10x05 - A Million Little Fibers

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to south park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to south park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

♪ Headed on up to south park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ ( Mumbling ) ♪

♪ Come on down to south park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪

Hi, welcome to p.f. Chang's.

How spicy would you like me to make your chang sauce ?

Chris, the people at table 3 need their check.

I know, I'm swamped !

I've got no help here!

Well what about the new waiter ?

The new waiter is useless.

And I think he's high.

How spicy would you like your chang sauce ?

Can we just place our order please ?

Oh man, I have no idea what's going on.

Everything okay here ?

Fine, except this towel has been mixing chang sauce for 15 minutes.

He's clueless.

Don't call me shoeless !

You're shoeless !

Yeah, well you're a towel.

You're a towel !

Alright, that's it, get out of here, you're fired !

Yeah !

Not him, you !

Awwww...

Oh man, I really screwed up this time.

The rent's due at the end of the month and I don't have any money !

I need to shape up and find a new job quick !

But first, maybe I'll get a little high.

Wait... Here it comes...

A good idea is coming...

Yeah... Hey yeah !

I should become a writer !

If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent !

I'll bet people can't wait to read my memoirs...

"A million little fibers"...

By... Towel... Lee...

This is a really good idea.

Uh huh...

Ummm...

Yes... Yes I see...

Well, that's quite a fascinating story.

You being engineered as a towel with a computer chip that determines dryness.

Yup, and it's all true !

Chapters 4 through 8, however seem to all be about doritos brand corn chips.

I guess I could edit those chapters down some.

Don't bother.

I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but nobody is ever going to publish your memoirs.

Huh ?! Why not ?

Well just the small trivial fact that people aren't interested autobiographies of towels.

Wul yeah, but...

Maybe people will read my memoirs and like apply its lessons to their own lives !

No, they won't.

Because they're people...

And you're a towel.

You're a towel.

No, I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs...

You're a towel.

Now what am I gonna do ?

I gotta pay rent and I just wasted three weeks writing my memoirs.

It's time for me to stop being so irresponsible !

I've got to shape up, focus, and come up with real solutions to my problems !

I'd better get a little high.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't.

But you have to think of something fast and getting high makes you smart.

Alright, I'll just use my special getting high powers one more time...

Hey... Hey, wait a minute !

...of course, that's it !

Why didn't I think of it before ?!

"All my life, I've been a pretty irresponsible towel."

"Per-son."

"I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune than other towels."

"Peo-ple"...

This is a really good idea.

Ooohhh... Oh my god...

I cannot believe a human being has lead this kind of life, mr... ?

Mctowelie, steven mctowelie.

It's heartbreaking passages like this one-

"I am a person

"Who often gets hung out to dry by all those around me."

I know this company would be honored to publish this book.

I just have one small question first.

You're not... A towel are you ?

No, if I was a towel, why would I be wearing this hat and this fake mustache ?

Right, I'm sorry.

Well, steven, if it's alright with you I'm going to get our agents and lawyers on the phone right now.

We're in business, sir !

Alright !

( Audience applauding )

Thank you so much !

Once in a while I come across a book that is so honest and so moving that it changes my life.

'A million little fibers' is the true story of a man who was born in a laboratory.

Please welcome author stephen mctowelie !

( Applause )

Steven, when I read your book I thought to myself

"How can a human being go through all this and still turn out okay ?"

Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow-

Person !

You talk in your book about how you would sometimes have to spend days hung up on a rack.

What would that do to you emotionally ?

You have been through so much and I think that...

Oh god, there she goes again, babbling about people's lives and carrying on.

She hasn't paid any attention to me in years !

A life that kept getting up whenever it was down...

Nobody knows what it's like to be oprah's minge.

All she does is work, never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again.

A minge needs attention !

At least a scratch once in a while !

Well stephen, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet, but I have some pretty exciting news for you.

There used to be a time when oprah would play with me night and day.

She'd pet me for hours using every finger.

But now I just sit here... In the dark.

Not even so much as a pinkie.

I should write a book.

It'd be much more depressing than his.

And so stephen, I am making your book my official 'book of the month' selection !

Really ?

Wow, I'm gonna get super-rich now !

Uh-huh... Okay.

Maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th.

Alright, is john travolta available the week after that ?

Okay, that might work better since it's sweeps week...

I can't take it any more.

All she ever does is work, work, work.

Never pays any attention to the ol' minge.

I'm always just trapped in these stuffy pant suits.

I want attention.

I'm bloody bored !

Oh stop your complainin' !

I'm trying to sleep back here !

Oi, who's that- is that you gary ?

Yes, it's me, you think you got it bad ?

Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years.

Oh what do you care? You're just an assh*le.

I'm a minge !

Minges need stimulation !

Assholes need stimulation too, ya bastard.

I want to travel, I want to see paris.

I thought life was going to get better.

But oprah's always busy.

Working and working, dieting and not dieting.

I'm either puking up mounds of chocolate cake or teaspoons of wheat grass.

She's a workaholic.

Let's face it-

The only way we're ever going to get any attention is if oprah doesn't work any more.

Well that will never happen.

Not unless she gets fired.

Fired ? You got a plan, minge-y ?

That bloke on the show today the one oprah supported.

He isn't a bloke at all...

He's a towel.

Oh, how do you know ?

I'm a minge.

Minges know a towel when they hear one.

If evidence gets out that oprah's champion author is a towel she'll look right foolish.

Fans will start dropping off by the millions.

How do we get proof ?

We get somebody else to do it.

The greatest investigative reporter of our time...

Mr. Rivera ?

What is it, demitri ?

There's somebody on the phone to speak with you.

He says he has inside information for you that may discredit oprah winfrey.

This is geraldo.

( Minge ) allo, geraldo...

I've got some information for you that you might find interesting.

It could make oprah winfrey look quite foolish.

Who am I speaking with ?

( Gary ) he wants to know who he's speaking wif.

( Minge ) let's just say I work very closely with oprah.

You'd like to see her discredited, wouldn't you ?

What information do you have ?

What'd he say ?

He wants to know what information we have.

Just tell me what he says, gary, don't wait for me to ask you 'what'd he say'

Stop wasting my time.

Don't get snooty wif me, gary.

I didn't say 'stop wasting my time', geraldo did !

What is going on here ?

This isn't working, let's switch.

I'll listen, and you talk.

Hello ?

Who is this ?

This is gary.

Gary who- what is your last name ?

Don't give away your name !

We don't want him knowin' who we are.

Alright look, all you need to know is that I am definitely not oprah's assh*le.

Oh, you stupid twit !

Don't call me a twit, geraldo !

He didn't call you a stupid twit, I did !

Now just tell him this:

The writer of the book on oprah's

'Book of the month clu''

Is a phony.

He's not a person at all.

He's a towel.

A towel ? A talking towel ?

That doesn't make any sense.

Tell him he'd be surprised the things that can talk.

You'd be surprised the things that can talk.

What proof do have of this accusation?

Just look into the author of "a million little fibers"

And you'll discover the truth.

And how do I go about that ?

( Click, dial tone )

Hello ?

My guest tonight is stephen mctowelie, author of the acclaimed book 'a million little fibers'.

How are you tonight, stephen ?

Well larry, I'm a little high.

Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction, what made you write it ?

Well, larry, I was really just writing down my memoirs as a--

What ? What's that? Oh excuse me, stephen, I understand that we have a special report coming in.

Joining us live from afghanistan, here is geraldo rivera.

Hello ? Larry are you receiving me ?

We're here geraldo, you're live on the show.

Larry, this brave reporter has spent days investigating and researching and I have come up with a shocking discovery that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world.

Stephen mctowelie, author of "a million little fibers"

Is a towel.

You're a towel!

No, you're a towel.

Well, you're a beaner towel !

What did you say ?

I'm sorry, I'm high.

This looks pretty bad oprah.

Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing, and you've just spent two weeks supporting a lying, r*cist towel.

He did it, gary !

Geraldo got the proof !

Oprah's got egg all over face !

She'll have to retire !

It's the beginning of a new life for us, gar !

Without her career to worry about, oprah's sure to travel the world, enjoy the finer things in life.

She'll spend hours, just playing with her ol' minge.

And her gary too ?

Sure, and her gary.

We did it, mate.

Oprah, we need to figure out what we're going to do !

What's the big deal ?

His book helped people, why does it matter that he made some stuff up ?

Are people really going to be that mad ?

( Crowd yelling angrily )

Your book got me to give up alcohol !

But I thought you were a person !

Yeah, we want our money back you dumb towel !

No insultar mexicanos ole !

No insultar mexicanos ole !

Oh god, I'm really in trouble now...

( Ring )

Hello ?

Stephen, it's oprah.

Can you come on my show again tomorrow ?

Why ?

We need to tell the audience why you changed some of the facts in your book.

That you thought it necessary to heighten certain things to make the book more relevant to people.

Hey yeah...

Just come on the show and explain in a very level-headed way that changing some facts shouldn't matter if the book helps people.

Okay !

Thanks oprah, you're a real friend.

See you tomorrow !

Alright, I've got one chance here.

I need to focus and come up with what I'm going to say...

Maybe I should get a little high.

No, wait a minute !

I'm not gonna get high this time.

Aw, come on...

You need to come up with ideas of what to say on oprah.

But... The ideas I come up with when I'm high keep getting me trouble.

Yeah, that's why you should only get a little high.

Well, maybe just a little high...

Today, my guest is once again stephen mctowelie.

Who's memoirs many of you purchased after I made it my book of the month selection !

You hear that, gary ? Nobody's applaudin' !

Yeah, they're all right pissed off !

This is great !

Now it turns out that your name isn't really stephen, it's towelie, correct ?

Yeah.

And you are a towel.

Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, oprah.

Can you explain to the audience why you said you weren't a towel before ?

Well, oprah, I was all like...

Um... They're all like...

It's like...

Was it that you thought embellishing the story was okay if it helped people ?

Yeah, yeah that's it.

Well you know what I think, towelie ?

I think you're a lying sack of shit !

You lied to all of these people and for what ?

To make money !

They bought your book thinking it was true !

That's right ! Yeah !

But I thought you said--

How dare you lie to me and make me look foolish !

What's this ? What's she doin'? !

I don't understand minge-y !

You think writing is a joke you stupid towel !

You get him, oprah ! All: yeah !

You will not get away with this.

She's getting everyone back on her side !

Oh, the clever cow !

You lied to me, towelie, and therefore, you have lied to america.

We are going to rise up against you !

( All cheering )

Is this audience ready for a good old fashioned lynching ?

( All cheering )

Huh ?!

Audience, if you look under your seats you'll find your very own torches ! All: oooh ! Oooh !

Minge, does this mean I have to wait to see paris ?

There's not going to be any paris, don't you get it, gary ?

The fat cow got everyone on her side again !

She'll be working more than ever now !

Our plan is ruined ! No !

We'll give you a 5-second headstart !

One, two !

Aagh!

Let's get him !

Burn him! Burn the towel !

Burn that which lies to oprah !

Looks like your time is up, towelie !

I've led my adoring fans right to you !

Alright oprah ! Yeah !

I've shown my fans that ergh... Ow.... Wha--?

( Minge ) alright, everyone back !

Get back I said !

What the hell is this ?

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!

Minge-y ! What are you doing ?

We're getting outta here, gary.

One way or another !

What is going on ?

Shut up !

Shut up you miserable old cow or so help me I'll blow your brains out !

I want a chopper- you got that? !

And a jet waiting at the airport !

Minge-y, have you lost your mind ?

Come on, gary.

You said you always wanted to see paris.

Not like this, minge-y, not like this...

Alright, the gig is up-

Put down the g*n.

Stay back mate !

Drop the g*n, and step away.

I'm warning you !

Put it down, I said !

( g*nsh*t ) ughnn !

Jesus minge, you k*lled him !

You shot him dead !

No turning back now, gary.

Oh my god...

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Keep your head, gary !

I can't... I'm gonna puke -

( Barfs )

Aw, gary... That smells awful.

Now I'm gonna throw up !

( Hurling )

Try to leave and I'll sh**t you too !

You hostages aren't going anywhere until we get what we want !

Oh my god !

What are we gonna do ?

You got us into this, towel !

Think of something !

Alright, I'm gonna get a little high.

No, no I'm not gonna get high !

Every time I get high I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble.

I'm not getting high this time !

I'm standing in the business district of central chicago, where oprah's vag*na has k*lled a police officer and taken several people hostage.

It is yet unconfirmed, but believed that oprah's assh*le may be an accomplice in this as well.

We got the walkie-talkie you asked for.

( Minge ) put it underneath me.

Slowly, mate, slowly !

Now back off !

Alright, gary, squeeze the walkie button.

This is oprah's minge.

Hello, I'm lieutenant nelson.

What are your demands ?

I want a chopper and a jet waiting at the airport to take us to france.

Plus, we need some fresh knickers, right away.

Alright, how about fresh underwear for one hostage.

I'm not playing games wif you, mate !

Gary's drownin' in his own sick !

Alright, we'll work on it, don't do anything foolish.

We don't have any time, this is the most unstable vag*na I've ever talked to.

O'reily... You got a shot ?

I got it.

Not with those hostages so close !

It's too risky !

Just put down the g*n, minge-y.

Maybe they'll go easy on us.

Don't be stupid, gary !

I've k*lled a policeman.

They'll fry me...

And lock you up for life.

Oh minge-y, I'm so scared.

We're gonna get out of here, mate.

Just leave it to me.

Oprah's vag*na - this is your last warning.

Put down the g*n.

If that chopper isn't here in two minutes I'm k*lling a hostage !

Hey, wait a minute...

Psst !

I mean it, hostages are gonna start dyin'

If you don't listen !

Hostages are clear !

Alright, that's it, take it out.

Aaahgh!

What the ? Ha ha--

You missed me you stupid buggers !

You see that, gary they can't even aim !

Min... Minge-y... ?

Gary, what's wrong ?

They got me minge-y.

No... Oh no !

Ooh, they got me bad...

Oh the blood !

Try to hang on, gar' !

It's gettin' dark minge !

Oh gary, what have I gotten you into ?

I'm seeing me life flash before me eyes....

Minge-y ?!

I'm here, gary !

Where... Where are we minge-y ?

Are we in paris... ?

Yeah.... Yeah, we're in paris, mate.

Is it as wonderful as I hoped ?

It's beautiful, we finally made it.

Tell me what you see minge-y...

Well there's the...

Eiffel tower right in front of us...

The louvre right over there, behind you.

And fresh baguettes all around...

Aaah... I can smell 'em minge-y.

At least I got to see paris before i...

Gary ?

Gary, say somefin' !

( Fart )

You k*lled him you bastards !

He didn't even want any part in this !

This all your fault you stupid cow !

You never even gave your ol' gary the time a day and now he's gone.

Life ain't worth living anymore.

What's the use ?

I'm coming to see you, gary !

I'm coming to see ya' !

No, don't !

( g*nsh*t )

Oprah's going to be okay.

Wish I could say the same for her vag*na and assh*le.

That's a great idea you had to sneak the hostages inside the bank.

Yeah, it sure was.

We're sorry we tried to burn you and m*rder you before.

Oh, that's okay.

This whole thing was my fault.

I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas.

I should come up with ideas and then get high to reward myself.

You said it !

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!

Minge-y ! What are you doing ?

We're getting outta here, gary.

One way or another !

What is going on ?

Shut up !

Shut up you miserable old cow or so help me I'll blow your brains out !