16x06 - I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining

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Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.

I can't take it!

Somebody help us!

Trapped in a unforgiving mountain wilderness with no way out.

The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.

We were stuck, completely stuck.

Hurry!

You got to wake up!

For four elementary schoolboys, an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness, on tonight's episode of... I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining.

Oh, God!

Got to get out of here!

All over the small mountain town of South Park, students are trying to have as much fun as possible.

For 10-year-old Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric and Kenny, the last day has come too soon.

We spent the whole spring break watching TV and playing Xbox, so we wanted to go out and do something adventurous.

We can go to the city pool. They have a water slide.

I'm not getting into a pool with Kenny. He has herpes.

Look at his lips. You got herpes.

Cold sore is what girls call it. It's actually herpes.

The day's wasting away. What would be something cool to do?

And then, out of nowhere, somebody came up with ziplining.

Ziplining, that could be really cool! We've definitely not done that before.

There's a place just outside of town. My uncle Jimbo will drop us off.

Cool! Ziplining.

Ziplining, hell yeah!

Within 30 minutes, the boys are getting a ride with Stan's uncle Jimbo.

We were in a good mood, joking around, mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes.

Sick, Kenny! You have herpes!

I almost touched it.

Sick, Kenny!

You sound like a chick. You got that shit until you die.

It's the idyllic spring break getaway with friends and laughter.

You guys here for the two o'clock zipline tour?

Let me get you some helmets and some gear, and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar.

They put us in harnesses and helmets.

That's when we started realizing... this is actually pretty dangerous.

You guys look ready to zipline.

All right!

Follow me to the waiting room and take a seat with the others.

We were like, we have to do this with other people?

Hi, there. Hello.

The boys have just made a sobering discovery.

For 10-year-old Stan Marsh, the realization that he will be with a tour group has caused his adrenal glands to slow down.

The average human acts a certain way around friends and family.

But, in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime, acting nice and pretending to care about people on the tour.

How are you?

Good, how are you?

So then, we sit there for like 30 minutes.

We had to wait for this couple running late.

Our last zipliners are here.

Sorry we made you wait.

Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, "Dude, f*ck you."

We don't mind.

We thought things would start getting fun, but... that's when we had to watch the safety video.

Welcome to Backcountry Adventures. Hey, there, Michael.

Hey, there, Michael.

It was 10, maybe 15 minutes of pure hell.

And don't forget to take in the nar.

Back to you, Michael.

Thanks, Michael. Anybody have any questions?

I have a question.

Could we review the best ways to hold the rope again?

You're gonna make us listen to it again, because you couldn't understand?

Let's get out there and get zipping.

Jesus Christ! Finally!

The boys think their ordeal is over.

But what they don't realize is that things are about to go from bad to worse.

Here we go, ziplining!

Everyone step on in the shuttle.

Shuttle?

How long do we have to take the shuttle?

It's about 45 minutes.

It's a devastating blow.

For Kyle, it's almost too much to bare.

His brain is lacking excitement.

And now, just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons that bring up memories of how lame shuttles can be.

Come on, we have no choice.

Should be about 45 minutes to the freshest nar nar.

Why don't we go around the van to get to know each other?

That's OK.

My name's Pete Knickels, and this is my wife Donna.

Make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live in Moab.

They've lived in there about 20 years now.

And long story short, they told us that while we're in the Rockies, we should try ziplining.

We looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet, on billboards and... you know...

Make a long story short, we found this company and gave her a try.

We called and made a reservation, and that's when...

Long story short, we just...

It's almost three o'clock and the boys are still on the shuttle.

We're getting close. You're psyched?

But what the boys don't realize, is that a massive storm is brewing.

Last night, Eric had Kung Pao spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen.

Inside Eric's stomach, the Kung Pao has met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast.

It has started to tear down the layers of a barbecue BK Toppers that have been building up for months.

And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew.

The caffeine and sugar turn the soupy fast-food liquid into a toxic gas.

When the gas is released, it caries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter.

Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage.

Did you fart?

All right, we're here.

Thank God.

Here we are!

We've got some good nar to zipline through today.

Before we climb up and start ziplining, does anyone care to know about these trees' biology?

The trees' biology?

We're running late, but if anyone wants to know, we can take a few minutes.

We're good.

I'd like to know about the biology of the trees.

This is a ponderosa pine.

It covers a more extensive area than other...

After assh*le gets his biology lesson, we finally get to go ziplining.

Remember to keep your hands clear of the cable and let your equipment do the work.

When you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera will take your picture.

When I call out "shaka bra," look up and give the camera a nice shaka bra.

You're ready?

Ready to do some zipping?

Let's hear you say "zipline!"

Shaka bra!

All right, nice zip!

How was it?

Totally f*cking stupid!

Really?

It's f*cking boring as shit.

All right, give me a "zipline!"

Shaka bra!

It was like having the life sucked out of you.

That's all it is, sliding down a cable.

Maybe without a tour group, it'd be kind of fun.

Maybe.

But this was just a complete disaster.

After a grueling 20 minutes waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline, the boys realize they have wasted hours of their time.

And that is when the unthinkable happens.

Let's get moving.

Only ten minutes to our next ziplines.

The next ziplines? What are you talking about?

Excuse me.

We aren't going back? Are we done?

This is a zipline tour. We've got 16 more to go.

It was like...

Everyone back in the shuttle.

The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare has only just begun.

Any questions about the creek we're about to cross?

Let her rip!

Zipline!

Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.

Zipline up here, we call it the Terminator.

Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with a tour group.

To make a long story short, I woke up this morning, and...

Could you get another picture of us?

The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.

I'm so f*cking bored!

Nice zip!

You're going next, Ricky.

Help!

Somebody! We're trapped!

Somebody help us!

It's no use. There's nobody around for miles.

There could be a helicopter.

Face it, nobody's coming for us.

Zipline!

We should have never listened to you.

Me? Yeah, you!

This morning, "Let's all go ziplining. We never done that before."

Don't try to pin this on me. You're the one who brought it up.

Because you already brought it up.

That's when I realized nobody remembered.

Nobody remembered it was me who came up with the idea of ziplining.

Me.

You fat piece of shit! f*ck you!

Guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?

We can make it. We can't panic.

If the four of us don't zipline, the tour will move faster.

We are gonna make it out of here.

But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is shutting down from stage four diarrhea.

Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged in Arby's Ultimate Angus.

In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea.

But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine.

His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste.

The diarrhea sh**t out of his anus and into his underwear.

Eric Cartman is a ticking time b*mb.

Did you just shit your pants?

I tried to keep the tour group moving as fast as possible.

This is where we're gonna break for lunch.

Come in by the waterfall, g*ng.

Could we skip lunch and keep going?

Skip a free lunch? Not me!

Who wants sandwiches?

We got turkey.

Ham.

Turkey ham.

Long story short...

You guys, seriously, something's wrong in my tummy.

Then stop drinking Double Dew, fatass.

This is Diet Double Dew.

It has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew.

I got to get to a bathroom fast.

You're in a forest. Go take a crap.

If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers!

We have an emergency. Our friend is really, really sick.

The little kid with the herpes?

That's not herpes, it's a cold sore. Right, sorry.

His cold sore is really bad, and he's losing blood.

Sorry, but we're at the summit. Our only way down is to zip down.

Zipline!

What about the stables? The stables!

There's a ranch past that hill that rents horses.

I bet they can get you back.

Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables.

It seemed too good to be true.

Let me get this straight.

You want four horses, one for each of you?

I think we can set you up.

Thank God! This is gonna be sweet, after all.

Step out here. We'll get you going.

Got four more for you, Duncan.

Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.

Trapped in a tour group on horseback that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour.

Can we please go faster?

We got some lunch set up for you up ahead.

Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew.

So, long story short, I was born in 1953 at 6:00 in the morning...

An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness, on...

I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining.

This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls.

Would you all like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls?

I certainly would!

Wake up.

Just go, go without me.

We're not leaving you here. I can't take it anymore.

Why do people say "long story short"? They're not making it short.

I just sat there, watching Kyle die...

I wanted to tell him the truth, right then and there.

But then, this fire rose up inside of me...

I thought I can find us a way out.

I ran off and went searching for... I don't know how long, 12 minutes.

That's when I found it.

You guys, get up!

Listen, there's a lake 100 yards down that way.

They've got a marina with boats.

A marina? We can take a boat.

We can take it all the way back to Fairplay.

What's the point?

A boat all to ourselves. It will be fun!

What could possibly go wrong?

The following program contains graphic re-enactments that may be disturbing to some audience members.

Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.

Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat, which is only allowed to go 5 miles an hour.

Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea.

Not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you f*cking Jew!

Ziplining was your idea, fatass.

The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.

Whose idea was it to go ziplining, mine... or Kyle's?

I don't know, I don't give a shit.

For four elementary schoolboys, an already tragic day becomes a descent into madness, on...

I Should Have Never Got on a g*dd*mn Boat.

You're not sinking up the entire boat.

Take a crap off the side into the water.

the boys have made a terrifying discovery, that boating is just as boring as ziplining.

The boat went really slow, and it just went round and round.

If the boys fall asleep now from the lack of excitement, they could die.

Here, everyone drink some Mountain Dew.

I thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew, the caffeine and sugar would help us stay awake.

I told Cartman he had to share it.

I'm not sharing with Kenny. He has herpes.

f*ck you, Cartman.

Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.

And just when it seems it can't get any worse...

Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.

My God, they k*lled Kenny.

You bastards! Not they, you!

Look what your ziplining has done. You're the bastard!

It was your idea. You k*lled Kenny, you bastard!

Finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I said, stop it!

Stop it.

It was me.

My idea.

You?

Four days ago, I came across a brochure for ziplining.

I thought it would be fun.

I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together.

So, you intended for us to go ziplining all along?

Why, Stan?

If you sign up three friends, you get a free iPod Nano.

You sold us out for an iPod Nano?

I had no idea ziplining would be so boring.

You... you k*lled Kenny.

You bastard, Stan!

How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth?

I guess one.

The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back.

I mean, it was a fifth generation Nano, so I can't trade it in anywhere.

But then, miraculously, the boys prayers are finally answered.

It was a miracle.

He came to save us and take us home.

You came for us. Mr. Hankey.

Howdy-ho, boys. Let's get you back home.

We were saved. It was over.

After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home.

From the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's Helicrapter.

In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far, that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his 7 Turdy 7.

From there, it was only an hour ride back home, on the Pooh-Choo Express.

Four friends, torn apart by tragedy, would now start the long journey back to forgiveness.

Kenny McCormick's remains were brought home to his parents, and the boys received treatment for their herpes.

I didn't get herpes. I had a cold sore.

Kyle Broflovski spent 27 days in a hospital, having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages.

Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining.

His awareness videos became so popular that Stan, once again, ended up jacking it in San Diego.

As for Eric Cartman, he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most.

In just two weeks, he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew, defiant to dew the math.

It's diet. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea.