04x01 - Back to School

[bunniefuu]

♪ Evening.

What can I get you?

Oh, just the usual.

Another long haul tonight?

Oh, roger that, little honey.

You know, talking on the CB, you know, pulling the little string to beep the horn.

You know, uh, you've been coming in here every night since I started here, so I just wanted to let you know that tonight is my last night.

Really?

Uh, where you going?

Back to my old job.

This was just temporary.

A few months ago, a coworker and I were suspended for...

I don't need to hear the details!

Thank you.

I've got this manager, great guy.

Aw.

I bet he misses you.

I bet he would have done anything to see you while you were gone.

He was allowed to see me if he wanted.

Yeah...

better safe than sorry.

You know, um...

Well, I better get back to the big rig.

You know, the road is calling.

Thanks for the company.

Yep, and, um...

thank you for always tipping 20 bucks on a $2 coffee that you never drink.

Yeah...

ten-four, good buddy.

Hope I get to see you around sometime.

Who knows?

Might be sooner than you think.

♪ Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers...

it's "back to school" time, so check out our discounts on notebooks, pencils, art supplies, rulers, dictionaries, weekly planners, and calculators.

Or you guys can just use your phones for all that stuff.

At least Black Friday's only a day.

This...

this is two weeks of watching ugly kids try on pants.

And I cannot wait for all the crap we're gonna get for our sex tape.

Was it a sex tape?

'Cause it wasn't on tape.

It was more like a sex stream.

Oh no, sex stream is something else.

That involves a stepladder and a tarp.

Everyone's gonna be like, "Oh, better keep these two out of the photo lab." Or like, "Uh, why aren't you guys together now?" Is that supposed to be me?

What?

No.

Oh, okay.

Why aren't you guys together now?

Like, if some dummy asks that question...

what would you say to her?

I don't know...

for starters, the fact that I'm extremely pregnant with my ex-husband's child is not a great time to start a new relationship.

I'm not letting my pregnancy slow me down.

I'm banging my way through my whole indoor-soccer team...

and the refs.

If you do decide to have sex again, just check for cameras.

We're not...

Or have sex on a green sheet.

That way, you can superimpose yourself doing it on a magic carpet or in outer space.

Bo did that for our anniversary.

The bed of my truck is always available.

I'm happy to drive around the whole time.

Less likely somebody will film you.

These are all excellent ideas, thank you.

So Amy and Jonah are back.

That's got to be a real kick in your crotch.

No, it's fine.

I mean, I thought that it would feel weird to see Jonah again, but I actually think that I'm over it.

You're over it.

That's boring.

Uh...

thanks for checking in, though!

♪ Okay.

So, Sara, I need you to keep cycling out the bins.

Mateo, if you could move salvage off the floor, you can just stick it in the...

in the p-photo lab.

Photo lab.

Okay, you got it.

Okay.

Um...

Carol and Justine, I'm moving you to school supplies.

We need to keep everything organized this year, or we're gonna get screwed.

Okay.

Sorry, that was a poor choice of words.

- School supplies!

Got it.

- Sure thing, Amy.

Okay...

Um...

let's just make sure that everything is restocked at all times.

We...

we don't want to get caught with our pants down.

- Mm.

- Mm.

Huh.

What's so funny?

No, nothing's funny.

Nothing's funny.

This is going so much better than I thought.

You're literally just reading words off a clipboard.

Oh, hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Have you met J-Bone?

Oh, we're calling you J-Bone now?

This makes me happy.

- This guy shreds ass.

- Mm-hmm.

You want to learn how to shred ass, you go see J-Bone.

I-I'm not...

there's...

better people.

Hey!

So give us the scoop, J-Bone.

Sex with Amy, was it awesome?

You know, I...

we don't really need to talk about this.

Why?

'Cause the sex sucked?

It did kind of look like it sucked.

No, it didn't suck.

It...

Yeah!

I knew it!

I knew it didn't suck!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, baby!

- You get it, girl.

- Yeah!

In and out!

Your body is a wonderland!

You're enjoying this sex, aren't you?

Mateo!

Ugh.

He's back.

Oh, he's such a thirsty bitch.

I know...

Hey, there he is!

At first, I was like, "Is that Mateo or the Rock?" Hi, Jeff.

What brings you to the store...

again?

Yeah, for someone who works at corporate, you're here a lot.

Well, I'm not gonna forget about my peeps just 'cause I got promoted.

I mean, I can still stop by now and then.

Isn't it, like, a five-hour drive from Chicago?

Not on a corporate jet.

Which I didn't take this time, but I have seen the corporate jet.

Really cool wings.

Anyway, uh, if you guys ever wanted to come visit me, I'd love to show you around Chi-Town.

They've got some great museums, I think, and, you know, if it's a fun night, I've got a big place, you could stay over...

Jeff, I've moved on.

Okay, I've moved on, too.

God, get over yourself.

I am doing very well.

So, anyways, let me give you guys my business card.

Just give me a call for...

any reason is fine, of course.

I'm always here to help.

Are you not gonna...

Only 'cause if...

I get a finite amount, and they eventually...

It starts to come out of my paycheck.

You know, I'm gonna go ahead and take it back now.

Okay.

Well, well, look at you, back at it, huh?

God, no one can stack things in a pile like my gal Amy.

You know, I thought it was going to be nonstop people talking about the...

incident.

But no one's even mentioning it.

Of course not.

There's no need for people to bring up something that you're already embarrassed about.

Yeah, but when we found out Gene was having sex on his lunch break, people called him Sex-Ma-Gene for a year.

I mean, it barely made sense, but it stuck.

Yeah.

I know, but come on, that's different, Sex-Ma-Gene's a guy.

It's less embarrassing for him.

Um...

that's...

that's sexist.

No.

No.

No, no, no, I-I did not mean that in a sexist way.

What you're saying is that no one is talking to me about the whole sex thing because they think, as a woman, I must be filled with shame about it.

Maybe...

or maybe I'm wrong!

I don't know.

I mean, things are changing.

I haven't really caught up with this whole MeToo thing.

All I know is that one day Charlie Rose was there, and the next day he wasn't.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Are people talking to you about the sex tape?

Oh, my God, it's nonstop.

No one has said anything to me.

Oh.

That's cool.

No.

It sucks.

But I thought you don't want people to talk about it.

I don't.

- And people aren't talking about it.

- Right...

So...

you win?

No!

It's messed up.

Why should I be ashamed of having sex with you?

- You shouldn't.

- I know!

- You should be proud!

- Yes!

No!

No.

Not because of this...

because it's a double standard.

So, for men, sex is, like, an accomplishment.

And for women, it's that I got taken advantage of?

Trust me, you do not want to have the day that I'm having.

They...

they keep, like, like, thrusting their pelvises and calling me J-Bone.

You have a nickname?

I didn't get a nickname.

I feel like you're missing the point.

If you're J-Bone, then I want to be A...

hole.

You...

you sure?

Obviously not.

See you around, A-hole.

Shut up!

I mean, it's like he's mad at me for no reason at all.

He's not mad at you for no reason.

He's mad at you because you sold out Myrtle for a corporate job.

But...

Well...

You guys don't hate me.

Oh, yeah, we do.

We all hate you.

Okay, fine.

Um, what can I do to make it up to you guys?

Give Myrtle her job back.

I don't have the power to do that.

I'm not even allowed to spend more than $12 on lunch without authorization.

There's got to be something I can do to make you guys love me the way you used to.

Um, we never loved you, so...

Wait!

Why...

why wouldn't...

why not?

We don't know what you're talking about.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Okay, I can't get you Myrtle, but I can get you something better.

Just get ready, okay?

For the surprise!

This afternoon!

I saw some kids getting high on the markers.

- Mm-hmm.

- Is it my job to stop them?

Nope, just recap the markers when they're done.

Hey guys!

Excuse me.

Um, could we just gather around for a quick sec?

Um...

I know that everyone is walking on eggshells around me.

And I just want you to know, that I am not embarrassed that I had sex.

Oh, Amy, sure you're not, sweetie.

- You don't have to say that.

- No, I mean it!

Guess what, people...

I have sex.

And I like having sex.

There's nothing wrong with someone liking and having sex.

Yeah!

Even a woman, believe it or not!

Take notes, young man, the future is female.

And I get it!

Okay!

Well, that's it.

That's all I wanted to say, so...

I'm gonna go back to work now, and I will be thinking about sex, if I want to.

Got sex on my mind, and my mind on my sex!

Aren't you a little child?

♪ And I don't want the world to see me ♪ ♪ 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand ♪ It doesn't matter what the surprise is, okay?

I'm not getting back together with him.

It's over.

I bet Jeff's getting us a taco truck.

Ooh, or maybe an ice cream truck.

Ooh, I hope it's a pizza truck.

Sorry, guys, kind of a pizza freak.

Everyone loves pizza, so it's not a personality trait.

Here's a crazy idea...

what if it's not a food truck?

Ooh, maybe he's gonna give us each, like, $50.

Maybe he's planning on murdering Mateo.

Think about it, big surprise, nobody's gonna see it coming.

I mean, If anybody was gonna snap, it'd be that guy.

Okay, so it's either a snack, an arbitrary amount of money, or Mateo dies.

I guess it's got to be one of those three things.

- Mm.

- It's got to be.

Shredder!

All right, okay.

Hey, man, this guy shreds ass!

Sorry, I...

Guys, stop, all right?

You know what?

It's...

it's demeaning.

You guys are acting like sex was something I did to Amy.

You know, like I conquered her.

- Oh!

- Yeah, you did!

All hail J-Bone, the conqueror!

I feel like you're grasping on to the wrong words here.

Uh, Amy was an equal participant, okay?

So all also hail Amy, the mutual intercourse partner!

- Uh...

- We'll handle the nicknames.

You just keep shredding, shredder.

Yeah.

Hey, is your favorite movie "Waking Shred Devine"?

That's what she shred.

Excuse me, Amy?

- Yeah?

- I just wanted to say...

I totally get what you were saying before about liking sex.

I think that's really cool.

Okay.

Thank you.

So...

do you want to, like, do it?

Excuse me?

I have a condom.

Oh, my God!

No!

No!

But you said you like sex.

Not with you.

No, no.

No.

Don't...

Um, Noam, don't cry.

I'm not crying.

I don't even like you!

Noam, it's okay, come out!

No.

Can someone call my mom or my stepdad's work number?

Your mom's at the dentist, and your stepdad said that he doesn't care.

Okay.

Noam?

Sweetie?

You're gonna come out of that tent, okay, hon?

Now, whether you're conscious or unconscious is up to you.

Are you really gonna throw a bug b*mb in there?

No!

Yeah, I am.

What happened?

Oh, Noam assaulted Amy, and now he won't come out of the tent.

- What?

- No...

it was not an as*ault, it was a...

misunderstanding.

Exactly!

And misunderstandings can't be as*ault.

Well...

they can.

Yes, they can, and they usually are.

Attention, employees...

make your way to the break room for a harassment meeting.

Shoppers, go about your business.

This is a private matter concerning our floor manager, Amy, and a 14-year-old boy.

Dina, please, can we just not?

I-I was hoping to get through my first day without a harassment meeting.

Oh, you should have started up last Friday.

We didn't need any harassment meetings last Friday.

Perfect swish.

Hey, guys, he's not coming out.

Well, then we can't do this meeting.

Bummer.

I got this.

Giuseppe!

Alex!

Giuseppe W.!

Everybody grab a corner.

We're taking this thing to the break room.

Hey, uh, Glenn, should we all really be leaving the floor during back to school?

I mean, come on, that's like...

that's like playing the Super Bowl with only...

uh, with fewer players than a football team would normally have.

Good point.

Okay, we'll leave a skeleton crew.

Kelly!

You're in charge.

Of...

the store?

♪ I'm only human ♪ ♪ Of flesh and blood I'm made ♪ We'll make this quick.

There was an incident relating to a sexual proposition between Amy and another employee.

No need to name names.

It was Noam.

- Who?

- Noam.

- Oh.

Hi, Noam.

- Hi.

Do you want me to get the harassment video?

Oh, no, the old videos don't apply anymore.

We are living in a brave, new, MeToo, Time's Up, "This Is Us" kind of world.

There are no rules anymore.

But also, there's nothing but rules.

Wait.

So Amy banged Noam, too?

No!

God, no, nothing happened.

Good, 'cause he's a child.

He can't consent.

They say consent is irrelevant.

I think you mean "intent is irrelevant." Consent is pretty much the whole point.

Also, she's a supervisor, so double illegal.

So was it illegal when Amy forced Jonah to have sex with her?

Nobody forced me to have sex with them.

But you might have felt like you couldn't say no because Amy was in the power position.

Nuh-uh, Jonah was on top.

Does it matter who's on top?

- It really doesn't.

- It really does.

I like reverse cowgirl because there's no eye contact.

Cool info.

Does anybody know what a "DCPI" is?

Or "Quadrant 12"?

Where is Quadrant 12?

Oh, Dan!

Dan, are you going to Quadrant 12?

Dan!

Is this a MeToo situation?

Because who MeToo'd who?

I mean, Jonah's the man, but Amy's the one in charge.

A woman can't take advantage of a man.

Hey!

Amy can force an underling to have sex just as easily as a man!

- Right!

- What?

I mean, I didn't, and I wouldn't, but I could.

- And she will.

- Yeah, that was not my point.

Hey, I'm trying really hard to defend you, but you're making it pretty tough.

This isn't harassment.

Jonah and Amy are meant for each other.

Then why aren't they together?

I know, right?

Maybe the sex was bad.

It looked bad.

Guys, we shouldn't be talking about this in front of Amy.

No!

That is...

Okay, you guys want to talk about what happened?

Let's talk about it.

What do you want to know?

Don't fall for it.

It's a trick.

No, no, no.

I'm serious!

Let's just get it all out there once and for all, and then we never have to talk about it ever again.

Bring it on!

Are you still in love with each other?

What a stupid waste of a first question.

Who cares?

Did you have an orgasm?

- Yeah, boy!

- Guys, come on!

No, it's fine, I don't want there to be any unanswered questions.

Technically, I did not have an orgasm.

But it still felt good.

Next question.

Did Jonah have an orgasm?

Yes, yes, I did.

"Noice"!

Yeah!

No!

I am not high-fiving one man over another man's orgasm.

Stop using me as a human shield!

Cease fire!

Cease fire!

Around the 14-minute mark in the video, Jonah appeared to whisper something to you.

What did he say?

Oh, I think it was something about the cord from the scanner was chafing his thigh.

- I knew it.

- Oh, really?

Wow.

Now, as a pregnant woman, was it weird having two people inside of you at once?

No, not really.

Follow up on Mateo's question...

Jonah, was it weird being one of two people inside Amy?

I didn't think about it.

Following up on Cheyenne, is it weird thinking about it now?

It's getting a little weird, yeah.

Okay, keep 'em coming, people!

We'll be here as long as it takes.

For my next question, I'm gonna need a church candle and a bagel.

For the first part, I would say I don't really believe in soul mates, more like different people for different phases of your life type of thing.

And for the second part, circumcised.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right, who's next?

Anybody?

Come on, guys, don't be shy.

Justine?

Anything?

No?

Okay.

Noam, anything you want to say in there?

- I think he's asleep.

- Yeah, he had a big day.

All right, guys, well, this is your last chance, 'cause after today, we are never talking about this again.

Anyone?

Okay!

Well, then we are done-zo.

Okay.

Let's get back to work.

Actually, the store closed, like, 15 minutes ago.

- Oh.

- Come on.

Good day, everyone.

Boom.

Good stuff out there, Miss Sue.

Hey, nice hustle, Dan!

So proud of us!

Love you guys!

Dina!

It went great!

Well, not at first.

At first, I got very overwhelmed, and I started to get this rash on my chest, but then I thought to myself, "Kelly, girl, you have been through Miss St.

Louis, you can handle this." And so I delegated, and I problem-solved, and I rallied the troops, and...

I did it.

Okay.

I am Myrtle, your Cloud 9 virtual greeter.

What do you think?

You said you wanted Myrtle, so I got you Myrtle.

Meet our new automated greeter.

Hello, Myrtle.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

This is the big surprise?

Cool, huh, right?

I mean, it's got over 50 programmable greetings, plus you can change the background.

She's flying.

Who would want this?

Um, you were mad at me about Myrtle, so this is, like, the next best thing to having her back.

I did this for you.

- It's not Myrtle.

- Bye-bye now.

Wait, don't go!

Look!

She's at the beach, guys!

And now a snowstorm!

And hang on, hang on, hang on, I can fix this, right, real quick.

Menu, function...

Guys!

I can fix this!

I did a good thing!

♪ Do you really want to hurt me?

♪ Hey.

Hey.

So you made it through your first day back.

And you only sexually harassed one teen.

Yep, took a lot of self-control.

Uh, quick question...

So many questions...

Mexican or Italian?

We had Italian last night.

Mexican.

Ohay, I'll pick it up.

I'll get the wine.

Hey!

What?

What if they see us?

Nobody's around!

Alright.

See ya soon J-Bone.

Looking forward to it A-Hole,