So here's what you missed on Glee.
Sue framed Figgins so she could take his job so now she's principal and Becky's her Beckretary.
- Get out, bitch!
- Kurt started a cover band called Pamela Lansbury and Rachel's in it and so is Santana and so is Dani and so is Elliot, who they also call Star Child but his name's really Elliot.
Oh, my God, Star Child.
Jake used to be a man-slut but then he wasn't because he met Marley but then he cheated on Marley with Bree which was so super mean because Marley's so nice and Bree's so horrible and it's like, geez, I guess he's a man-slut again.
That's so sad.
My Aunt Felicia always says, "A tiger can't change his stripes." And that's what you missed on Glee.
Hey, um, guys!
Guys...
New Directions!
New Directions!
Guys!
Hey!
I just ran into Mr. Shue, and he's gonna be stuck in his classroom for the rest of the afternoon because of some school board inspection thing, but he still wanted us to meet so we can start working on ideas for nationals.
Beyoncé!
This is anarchy!
We can't...
we can't all just shout at the same time.
That's better.
I have some ideas already.
I'm thinking that the music needs to be really simple, so we can really highlight our voices.
No guitars, or nothing electronic.
We go with a simple piano arrangement.
Which I could play.
I'm assuming you're singing lead?
Well, I am a senior, and this is my last go at it.
We need to win this.
Well, feels like North Korea up in here.
Okay, forget the piano.
Forget all the music.
We could just do, um, a cappella, that always works.
Déjà Warblers.
Should we wear matching blazers, too?
Let's take it back...
What was wrong with the guitars?
Nothing, why can't you guys just stop resisting me for a second, and just go with me?
Okay, Blaine Jong-il.
- Yes!
Blaine Jong-il - I am not trying to be bossy.
I am trying to give the benefit of my experience.
I have won more show choir competitions than anyone in this room.
You suck.
A capella is worth a sh*t.
Let's do it.
Then you two can have fun in your little barbershop couplet while the rest of us discuss something good.
Fine.
You don't want my help...
...then I am not gonna give it.
Looks like somebody's man-struating.
I heard that.
Oh, good.
We're all here.
Thank you, Team Pamela Lansbury, for assembling on such short notice.
Okay, well, I rescheduled my dialect session, so what's up with this emergency text?
What's up is I just booked our band's debut gig!
Amazing.
Where?
When?
This Thursday, 7:30 p.m., at the Greenwich Village hot-spot Callbacks.
Ooh, NYADA's premier piano bar.
Hold on, isn't that a Broadway hangout?
Well, traditionally, but I talked to the manager, and he says that Thursdays are kind of their dead nights.
So we can go in and do whatever we want.
No way, we cannot debut there.
That is instant career su1c1de.
Yeah, Kurt, look, not to overstep, but I-I follow a lot of bands just starting out, and it's kind of all about the launch.
You know, getting music critics out to see you, and that's a lot easier with the right venue.
Oh, come on, Callbacks is a real funky place.
You know, they've got tons of history.
Yeah, but I can't think of a single band that started out there.
I mean, it's not like The Bitter End or the Mercury Lounge, or...
Yeah, and if people associate that place with show tunes, nobody's gonna come out for...
Our covers of Madonna's greatest hits?
I disagree, Dani.
Oh, so we're back to the whole Madonna thing?
Yes, it was my first impulse.
Okay, look, guys, I know it's untraditional, but you have to trust me.
I was there at Callbacks.
I saw it all, a vision of perfect clarity.
Every seat was occupied.
A quiet hush fell over the expectant crowd.
As Pamela Lansbury made their way to the stage, and the opening notes of Madonna's 1985 single hit "Into the Groove" begin.
♪ And you can dance ♪ ♪ For inspiration ♪ Get into the groove, boy ♪ ♪ You've got to prove your love to me ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ Get up on your feet, yeah, step to the b*at ♪ ♪ Boy, what will it be ♪ Music can be such a revelation ♪ ♪ Dancing around you feel the sweet sensation ♪ ♪ We might be lovers if the rhythm's right ♪ ♪ I hope this feeling never ends tonight ♪ ♪ Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free ♪ ♪ At night I lock the doors where no one else can see ♪ ♪ I'm tired of dancing here all by myself ♪ ♪ Tonight I want to dance with someone else ♪ ♪ Get into the groove, boy ♪ You've got to prove your love to me ♪ ♪ Yeah, get up on your feet ♪ ♪ Yeah, step to the b*at ♪ ♪ Boy, what can it be, yeah ♪ Live out your fantasy here with me ♪ ♪ Just let the music set you free ♪ ♪ Touch my body, move in time ♪ ♪ Now I know you're mine ♪ ♪ Now I know you're mine ♪ ♪ Now I know you're mine ♪ Now I know you're mine ♪ ♪ Now I know you're mine ♪ You've got to get into the groove, boy ♪ ♪ You've got to prove your love to me ♪ ♪ Yeah, get up on your feet ♪ Yeah, step to the b*at ♪ Boy, what will it be ♪ ♪ You have to get into the groove ♪ ♪ Boy, you got to prove your love to me ♪ ♪ Get up on your feet ♪ Yeah, step to the b*at ♪ Boy, what will it be ♪ ♪ You've got to get into the groove. ♪ Oh, it's my fiancé.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Hello?
Oh, can I just say Glee Club sucks!
Mr. Shue asked for ideas for nationals.
And when I gave some genius ones, everyone got all mad and started dissing me.
Maybe I came on too strong.
But since when is that a bad thing?
It's not, but you got to remember, at McKinley everyone has an equal vote.
And if you come on too aggressively, they might think you're a control-freak or a puppet master.
Anyway...
I was gonna call you.
Pamela Lansbury booked its first gig.
And I know you were just here, but I was hoping you could come cheer us on in the audience.
So, what do you say...
can I send you the deets?
And a JetBlue voucher?
Uh, of course, I wouldn't miss it.
Wow, I can't believe anyone would see me as controlling.
You missed a spot.
I'm doing the best I can, Sue.
You know, the way you clean these floors is a perfect metaphor for the way you ran this school.
You did your best, but your best just wasn't good enough.
Look, I know you're upset that the school board is coming today to evaluate McKinley, and to determine if I'm worthy to be instated as full-time principal.
And do you realize in my short time as acting principal, test scores have risen 42%.
And my new caning policy has dropped both absences and tardiness down to zero.
So, the truth is you should be cleaning floors and I should be running schools.
And if you would like to continue cleaning floors and feeding your family, I suggest you do everything you can to make sure this place looks just amazing for this evaluation.
They're in your office, Coach.
One last question before we come back for the official evaluation later in the week.
Why do you want to be a principal?
Now, I know everyone wants to wear the crown, but the fantasy of it can be quite different from the reality.
Well, more than anyone I have ever met, I was born to be in charge.
Test scores are up.
Kids are showing up.
Our sports teams are winning.
Heck, even the Glee Club is back competing for the national title of clubs no one really cares about.
And all of this is happening because I can finally manifest my vision without having to clear it with some fool.
You give me this school, and in one year it will be the top school in the state.
I guarantee it.
I'm a champion, gentlemen.
Let me be your champion.
We'll be back in a week.
But between you and me, barring a total catastrophe, you have my vote.
You certainly have a lot of trophies, Principal Sylvester.
Well, Superintendent Harris, you're new in town, you may not be aware, but I am the only seven-time national champion cheerleading coach in the country.
Hmm, my wife used to watch those competitions on television.
Mm-hmm.
Bugged the crap out of me if I'm gonna be totally honest.
Mmm.
- We're divorced.
- Oh.
Are you married?
No, no.
I married myself once, but I don't think it was legal.
Yeah.
We should go out for a beer sometime.
Oh, are you sure that's appropriate, Bob?
I don't think anyone would see a couple of guys going out for a beer as anything shady.
Besides I'm new in town.
I'd like to find some great dudes to hang out with.
I-I'll call your office, okay?
I'm lactose intolerant, and I may have to fart, Coach.
I don't look masculine, do I, Becky?
You have an allure that goes beyond gender.
That's what I always say.
I have to admit, while I find his hairline highly suspicious for a man his age, that Bob Harris thinks I could star in the sequel to Boys Don't Cry, honestly, it kind of bums me out.
Maybe it's your clothes.
You could try on a skirt every now and then.
No, you don't understand the era I grew up in.
I became a teacher almost 30 years ago.
It was 1986.
It was a different time.
I tried being girly.
But I found it hard to get the respect I felt I deserved.
Boys, no video games in school.
Who are you supposed to be?
I'm the new cheerleading coach.
Do you bop?
Get to class, mates.
I've been trying to sound like Crocodile Dundee.
Word of advice new Cheerios!
Coach, Sue Sylvester.
Try some pants.
Get to class!
That new cheerleading coach is one scary dude.
The moment I put that track suit on, the world bowed before me.
I had one made in every color.
Maybe it's time for a change, Coach.
Everybody is scared of you now.
It can't hurt to girl it up a bit.
You're early.
Geez!
Oh, Brad!
You scared the crap out of me!
Warn me before you talk!
I'm sorry, man.
I'm having a bad week.
Tell me about it.
I can't stop playing online blackjack.
I owe thousands of dollars to some very sketchy people.
Why doesn't anyone listen to me?
I'm in 23 clubs!
I probably would've been prom king if this school didn't have so many stoners.
And what's wrong with having a solid game plan?
My house is getting foreclosed on.
And get this, my fiancé called me a "Puppet Master!" Well, if "pulling strings" means that I encourage people to reach their fullest potential, then, hell yeah, guilty as charged!
Brad, if everyone just wants me to sit down and shut up...
that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna be right back here in the back corner.
Believe me, that'll send a message...
Blainey Days!
Blainey Days, wake up!
We're sorry we didn't listen to you earlier.
Yeah, dawg.
Our bad, yo!
I'd love to say something really bitchy or even downright cruel, but I can't, because you're clearly the most talented teenager at this school!
On this planet!
Yeah, that's why we're best friends, even though I'm straight and you're gay and I'm blond and you're gay.
May the Force be with you.
Kids, I've got an awesome idea!
This week's lesson is all about the most inspiring guy we know: Blaine!
Ooh, child, Unique's got the blues!
And the only way to cure 'em is to hear Blaine's smooth-as-a-baby's-butt voice!
Please, Blaine!
Please?
Please?
Yeah, Blaine!
Really?
Well, if you guys insist.
What should I sing?
Oh, I know.
Hit it!
♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪ Whatever this world can give to me ♪ ♪ It's you, you're all I see ♪ Ooh, you make me live now, honey ♪ ♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪ ♪ Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had ♪ ♪ I've been with you such a long time ♪ ♪ You're my sunshine, and I want you to know ♪ ♪ That my feelings are true ♪ I really love you ♪ Oh, you're my best friend. ♪ ♪ Ooh, you make me live! ♪ ♪ Ooh, I've been wandering around back to you ♪ ♪ He'll come back to you ♪ ♪ Rain or shine, you stood by me, girl ♪ ♪ And I'm happy at home ♪ ♪ You're my best friend ♪ ♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪ Whenever this world is cruel to me ♪ ♪ I've got you to help me forgive ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh, you make me live now, honey ♪ ♪ And I'm happy ♪ ♪ You're my best friend ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh, you're my best friend ♪ ♪ Ooh, you make me live, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh, you're my best friend ♪ Oh-oh ♪ Oh-oh! ♪ ♪ Oh-oh! You make me live! ♪ Blainey Days, Blainey Days, what's wrong with you?
Yeah, dude, you didn't say a word the entire class.
Didn't even sing.
You want us to call you a waaambulance?
'Cause your pity party is out of control.
Yeah, girl, check yourself before you wreck yourself!
And again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Go one, two... four.
Six, eight.
Sharper.
Two, three, here it comes.
Make sure we land.
Oh, God, okay, I've seen enough.
Everyone stop.
Look, I'm gonna do you guys a favor.
You suck, and I can't be bothered to keep wasting my time.
Hit the showers and get focused.
Please, tomorrow, we are doing 540s.
Oh, my God, her, too?
All of them, actually.
Jake, hey, uh, listen, I just wanted to say thanks for sticking up for me in Glee Club.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that cares about pushing us so we can nail it, you know?
Yeah, I know, I mean, I'm getting pretty sick of it, too.
Um, I don't know how else to say this, but...
there's something's going on in the choir room.
I don't know if it's haunted or like a space-time rift happening, but trust me, do yourself a favor, sit in the back corner.
It's crazy.
Dance has never been our strong suit, but I think with Jake's help, we can really kick it up a notch.
Jake?
What's the point?
I'm sorry?
Seriously, what is the point?
I could choreograph a sick dance, none of you can keep up.
I mean, half of you can't even do it and won't even try.
Why?
Because you're not dancers.
So let's not waste my time.
Let's just do another cut-and-paste dance routine that even Tina can pick up.
You are such a conceited jerk.
I'm not conceited, I'm bored.
Please, we've seen your dance moves.
They're fine, not epic.
Oh, you want to see epic?
Give me a b*at!
♪ Sittin' in the movie show thinking nasty thoughts ♪ ♪ Uh! Uh! ♪ ♪ Better be a gentleman or you'll turn me off, uh, huh ♪ ♪ That's right, and let me tell it ♪ ♪ Nasty, nasty boys don't mean a thing, uh, huh ♪ ♪ Oh, you nasty boys ♪ Nasty, nasty boys, don't ever change, huh ♪ ♪ Oh, you nasty boys ♪ I don't like no nasty girl ♪ ♪ I don't like nasty food, uh, huh ♪ ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ ♪ The only nasty thing I like is a nasty groove, uh! ♪ ♪ Will this one do? ♪ ♪ Uh-huh, I know, sing ♪ I'm not a prude, I just want some respect ♪ ♪ That's right ♪ So close the door if you want me to respond, ooh, yeah ♪ ♪ 'Cause privacy is my middle name ♪ ♪ My last name is control ♪ No, my first name ain't "baby" ♪ ♪ It's Janet... Ms. Jackson if you're nasty ♪ ♪ People of the world today ♪ Are we looking for a better way of life? ♪ ♪ Say! We are a part of the rhythm nation ♪ ♪ Rhythm! ♪ ♪ People of the world unite ♪ ♪ Strength in numbers, we can get it right, one time ♪ ♪ Sing on ♪ We are a part of the rhythm nation ♪ ♪ Everybody! ♪ ♪ Nasty, nasty boys ♪ ♪ Don't mean a thing ♪ ♪ We are a part of the rhythm nation ♪ ♪ Everybody sing it ♪ Nasty, nasty boys don't ever change ♪ ♪ We are a part of the rhythm nation ♪ ♪ Rhythm... ♪ We are a part of the rhythm nation ♪ ♪ Sing it ♪ ♪ It goes to hear the rhythm ♪ ♪ We are a part of the rhythm nation ♪ ♪ Oh, you nasty boys. ♪ Baby-faced mocha-teen boy, arise!
Where is everyone?
They left minutes ago, muttering hateful comments about your snide, nasty mouth and bad boy attitudes.
Now clear out!
Excuse me, Miss Alfano.
As much as I've really enjoyed learning about yarn these past three months, I was wondering, since Arts and Crafts is my senior elective, if maybe I could do my own thing and venture into felt and fabric and even yarn and make a puppet?
Your request surely begs the question, "Why on earth would an 18-year-old man want to make a puppet?" Well...
it's not just any puppet...
It's a puppet of my fiancé.
We're 600 miles apart, and even though I get to see him tomorrow night, I'd really like to see him right now, even though it might be only in my imagination.
Fine.
Make a puppet.
May I experiment with découpage?
No.
I forgave myself a long time ago.
I think it's time I forgive you now.
You are right.
Please forgive me.
In this argument, I don't have a leg to stand on.
Hey, Principal...
uh, Coach.
Um, geez, are you okay?
Oh, what's with the shoes?
Man, you have big feet.
Well, I'm sorry if my femininity threatens you.
What is that?
Did you just touch me with a puppet?
Oh, I made it in Crafts class.
Get that thing out of here!
I don't ever want to see that thing in my hallway again!
What?
You can't just ban puppets.
Are you saying that because of the shoes?
Are you less afraid of me?
In a few days' time I am going to be evaluated on my abilities to run this school.
If the school board comes here and sees schizophrenic students clearly off their meds talking to puppets, they are gonna think I don't have a handle on things.
Well...
Hey, hey!
Kurt puppet!
This is contraband.
And if I catch you with your hand up the butt of anything that isn't human, you're in a world of trouble.
But...
Be careful.
Damn it!
Sue, I...
look, I-I'm trying to work.
Do you mind coming back in, like, an hour to barge in here - without knocking and start insulting me for no reason?
- Oh, sure, sure, pal.
I just, uh, I want to ask you a question first.
Um...
you're an oddly feminine man.
What?
Oh, please, you just literally did a pirouette.
Sue, just because a guy can dance doesn't make him effeminate.
That's what I'm saying.
When you dance, somehow you're able to maintain your manliness.
Here's the thing: Um...
I happen to have a sizeable crush on the handsomest man in the universe, Superintendent Bob Harris.
I've had multiple conversations with him.
In fact, several days ago, I was quite certain he was flirting with me.
But it turns out all this time he thought I was a man.
I blame the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue." You know what they used to say about Ginger Rogers?
No.
That she could lead her partner while dancing backwards in high heels.
I have no idea how that is germane to this conversation.
Ginger Rogers was the pinnacle of femininity.
I mean, she was one of the most famous dancers in the world, and her partner was Fred Astaire, maybe the greatest dancer of all time.
Again, I don't know how this pertains to what I'm talking about.
The point is, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did...
only she did it backwards and in high heels.
I mean, she managed to find a way to be feminine and strong.
Half the time when it looked like Fred Astaire was leading her?
She was leading him.
Okay.
Tell you what.
Let's make a deal.
I'll teach you to lead while dancing backwards in high heels, and you give me the $600 I need for new costumes at nationals.
Nope.
Forget it.
I'm sorry, there's no way in hell I'm going to give the Glee Club more money for costumes until you can explain to me how you paid for that 18-cubic-foot inflatable Lady Gaga airbag that you strapped onto the back of the crippled kid's wheelchair.
That was at least $1,000 right there, William.
Fine.
Suit yourself.
Hey, doll.
What do you say you and I cut a rug?
♪ Heaven ♪ I'm in heaven ♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪ ♪ And I seem to find ♪ The happiness I seek ♪ When we're out together ♪ ♪ Dancing cheek to cheek ♪ ♪ Heaven ♪ I'm in heaven ♪ And the cares that hung around me through the week ♪ ♪ Seem to vanish ♪ Like a gambler's lucky streak ♪ ♪ When we're out together ♪ ♪ Dancing cheek to cheek ♪ ♪ Oh, I love to climb a mountain ♪ ♪ And to reach the highest peak ♪ ♪ But it doesn't thrill me half as much ♪ ♪ As dancing cheek to cheek ♪ ♪ Oh, I love to go out fishing ♪ ♪ Go out fishing ♪ ♪ In a river or a creek ♪ ♪ Or a creek ♪ ♪ But I don't enjoy it half as much ♪ ♪ As dancing cheek to cheek ♪ ♪ And I seem to find ♪ The happiness I seek ♪ When we're out together ♪ ♪ Dancing cheek to cheek. ♪ Come on, Coach!
Wake up!
I've got to shop for a mini-fridge for college!
Oh, God, let it go.
I don't want a girlfriend.
Shut up.
I don't want to be your girlfriend, either.
Then what?
I'm late for class.
I'm pregnant.
With your baby.
Bree, this is...
All I'm going to ask is that you come with me to the doctor, okay?
Wh-What are your parents going to say?
No...
parents.
This is staying between us.
Forever.
It's the right thing to do.
Right?
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Miss Sally Field in Not Without My Puppet.
Did you really think I was too stupid to suspect that you would come back here under the cloak of darkness to claim your monstrous puppet-bride, you strange, tiny, doe-eyed pervert?
Kindly remove your fist from Puppet Hummel's butt and place him gingerly on the desk.
And now report to detention for the rest of the week.
But I was supposed to fly to New York to see Kurt's first big show.
Well, then you're gonna have to cancel Wonder Woman's invisible jet, or whatever magic discount b*llet train you kids use for your weekly jaunts to New York.
Now, get out of here.
Go feel shame.
Hi.
Hey.
Did you get your ticket that I reserved for you, house-left?
Kurt, I was gonna call you.
Um, please don't be mad, but...
I'm not in New York, I'm in Lima.
A-Are you kidding?
What happened?
Did you miss your flight?
- A-Are you okay?
- I-I'm fine.
- I'm just, um...
- I'm just trying to explain.
Yes, why don't you explain...
and it better be a good explanation.
Well, Principal Sylvester gave me detention, and she said if I tried to skip it that she was gonna suspend me and put it on my permanent record.
Hang on.
Whoa, whoa, wait one second.
And you weren't going to call me?
I-I was trying my best not to hurt you.
All I did was steal back the Kurt puppet - that I made in crafts class.
- Excuse me?
The-the what puppet?
What the hell are you talking about?
Uh, I-I know, it's, uh, it's kind of...
a weird story.
But basically, I was missing you.
And is that how you see me?
As a thing of felt and cloth and button eyes that has no feelings, that you can play with and manipulate and then discard whenever you're bored?
- Oh, no.
- I'm a person, Blaine.
I am flesh and blood and bone, and this is a really big night for me, and I needed you to be here.
Kurt...
Hey.
We can release Blaine's seat.
I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
One person?
And he thinks Angela Lansbury's performing.
I told you so.
Let's be real for a second.
I've never been all that nice to you, and I don't really get whatever's...
going on with you, but I have to say, there's a part of me that really admires it.
When a woman of my stature needs a makeover, she rings up all her best gays, but unfortunately, Porcelain, the Sassy Toothless Elf, is in New York.
So...
God's most fabulous mistake, I turn to you.
I want to look more like a lady.
Girl, I have already pulled out my makeup kit...
I got you, boo.
Welcome, teen delinquents, to detention, AKA "The Beck-fast Club," named after Miss Becky Jackson, who has been here more than any other student.
Yeah, why is that?
'Cause I like saying bad words, bitch!
Jacob X.
Puckerman, you were caught red-handed starting another exciting yet forbidden fistfight in the William McKinley High School hallways.
Why are you such a mysterious musical bad boy?
It is now 4:01.
You have exactly eight hours to ponder the horrific error of your pubescent ways.
There will be no talking and no monkeyshines, is that clear?
Crystal.
You know, maybe we could use this time to get to know each other a little better.
We could sit in a circle on the floor and tell each other about our core wounds.
Or you shut your hole.
I'm going to college soon, I don't have time for your lame-ass bull crap.
I'm sorry, Blaine Warbler.
But that was totally inappropriate.
Please come sit with me.
Sometimes I fly off the handle.
Like yesterday, when I taped Dottie's buns together.
I did it for my old man.
I wanted him to think I was cool.
That's really heavy, Becky.
Thanks for sharing.
What's going on with you, Blaine?
Well, to tell the truth, guys, I feel really, really guilty about missing Kurt's show in New York.
Why?
It's a stupid cover band.
And, dude, you go to New York all the time...
you were just there last week.
True.
But Kurt needs me.
- We all need you, because you are so awesome.
- Yeah, you're America's gay sweetheart.
Thanks, guys.
You guys are, like, my only real friends.
But we're not real; we're puppets.
Maybe that's a bad thing.
Maybe the fact that I can only really feel like myself with friends I can totally control is keeping me from really feeling like I'm close to anyone.
Maybe it's indicative of a deeper intimacy issue.
Or maybe everyone should just wise up and start doing everything you se, because you are so right on all the time.
By the way, did you notice you're now having puppet fantasies outside the choir room?
That's not normal.
Seriously, you might want to get a CAT scan.
Hello, hello.
Wake up.
Hey.
Will you cover for me, please?
I've got to leave early.
Uh, y-yeah, sure.
Why?
It's not important.
Later.
Hey, so, are you ready to go?
No need.
The crimson tide is rolling again.
I got my period.
I'm not pregnant.
I guess I was just late...
this month.
Are you serious?
That's awesome news.
Oh, I am so relieved.
You're relieved?
Why?
I was the one who had to go to the doctor visit.
No, I just mean that I'm relieved that the whole thing is over, you know, for the both of us.
Let me hit you with the blunt instrument of reality, Puckerman.
You're still you, a douchey playboy who's gonna spend the rest of his life dealing with one mess after another as long as he lives.
One of these days, you are gonna knock someone up, and I feel bad for whoever has to have a child that shares your DNA.
Hey, I'm gonna make a great father one day.
To who?
Your seven kids by seven different women?
Not unless you change.
Bree, look, I'm sorry, okay?
I know this whole thing was really scary - and traumatic...
- Just do me a favor and stay away from me from now on.
You're toxic.
Little known fact?
McKinley saved a bundle on new lockers by using recycled metal.
These lockers are actually Kalashnikovs that were melted down during the w*r in Chechnya.
Uh, Principal Sylvester, Yes.
I owe you an apology.
I...
I get in "business mode," and I may not be that observant, so I...
Well, I...
might've overlooked your more...
feminine side.
Oh.
No worries, Superintendant.
No worries.
Please.
And this...
is the choir room of McKinley's pride and joy, our national championship glee club, the New Directions.
Attention, McKinley School Board, Sue Sylvester has put our children in grave danger.
There is a gas leak in this room that is a direct result of Sue Sylvester's failed leadership!
No, there was a gas leak in this room, but I fixed it.
I know a gas-induced fantasy dance sequence when I experience one.
And despite the fact that facilities management is under your jurisdiction, Janitor Figgins, I found the problem, I corrected it and now I'm cutting your pay in half.
Principal Sylvester, we've seen enough.
Yours is precisely the type of leadership this school needs.
The board would like to make you principal on a permanent basis.
Oh!
Congratulations, Sue.
Oh, thank you so much, Superintendant.
How about we go out and celebrate?
Excuse me?
Would you like to go out on a date with me?
Um...
no.
I don't want to do that.
Am I okay?
I mean, is this what it feels like to be losing your mind?
I'm unraveling.
I feel like Mel Gibson in The Beaver.
More like Mel Gibson in Mad Max, with your abs and your...
leather.
Wait, what leather?
The leather I was imagining you in when I was rubbing vapor cream all over your smooth...
hairless...
chest.
Tina, I'm engaged.
- Hey, what's going on?
- Uh...
nothing.
I'm-I'm just, um, cleaning my head out.
Just trying to figure some stuff out.
Is that supposed to be me?
What?!
That's...
that-that's crazy.
She has Asian eyes and my exact dress.
Total coincidence.
Not everything is about you, Tina.
What do you want?
I just wanted to let you know that everybody feels bad.
We spent pretty much the whole Glee session discussing how much pressure you're under with nationals, graduation...
The engagement.
You were just trying to exert some control.
And the truth is, you should have some.
You've earned it.
Sam suggested you should have the lead on one of the songs at nationals.
So we took a vote and it was unanimous.
Piano, a capella, whatever you think is right.
- Thanks, Tina.
- Of course.
So if you're done being a puppet master, do you think you could take your hand out from under my dress?
- Um...
- Yeah.
- Um...
- It's okay.
- Sorry about that.
Thanks.
I'm gonna miss having a Kurt puppet though.
He did anything I said.
Anything?
All right, settle down, Puppet Tina.
Okay.
I get it.
Blainey Days...
Marley.
Marley, Marley, please.
Please just listen.
Please.
30 seconds.
Go.
I miss you.
Every minute of every day.
And I know that I screwed things up really badly, and I'm sorry.
I know what I lost and I know that I can't be without you.
I need you.
I don't want to be this jerk anymore, and you are the only one who can make me a better person.
A good person.
I'm not here to fix you, Jake.
I know, I know, I know.
That's why I'm here.
To make it right, to make it better, to make me better.
I'm sorry, but we gave it a try and it...
just wasn't right.
So after all that...
you're saying you don't have any feelings for me?
I think that you're a good friend and teammate...
Marley... but I just don't feel the same as you.
Not anymore.
Marley, please.
I got to get to class.
I'll see you later in Glee Club.
Look, I know we don't know why Kurt called this meeting.
It's probably to retire the band, but we can't rub it in and say, "I told you so." That would be devastating.
Well, I wouldn't do that, and I'm not gonna let Kurt disband Pamela Lansbury.
Look, I might not agree with all of his decisions, but he is our leader and he's an artist, and artists should be allowed to fail.
Who says we failed?
Cronuts, anyone?
Hi.
Oh, this?
No big deal.
Just a little token from the booking agency of the Williamsburg Music Hall, which is the location of our second gig!
What?
Are you serious?
- How?
- Okay, true, we only had one audience member at our last show, but it happened to be the right audience member because, not only was he a devoted Angela Lansbury fan, but he also liked what he saw, made a secret bootleg and passed it along to his nephew, who works at the Williamsburg Music Hall.
The Williamsburg Music Hall, which also just happens to be...
One of the hottest venues in Brooklyn.
Good work, fearless leader.
Well, it wasn't just me.
It was...
also a lot of luck and-and you guys.
Because, you know, whether Pamela Lansbury implodes or explodes, I really have to thank you guys for sticking by me.
Uh, package for Kurt Hummel.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, it's from Blaine.
He sends a gift to say sorry for missing the performance the other night.
That's so nice!
Okay, that is creepy as hell.
Is there one for each of us?
Guys, I just wanted to apologize to all of you.
I've been a little bit controlling lately and it's not cool.
I've made some changes though and I've learned that sometimes you just need to let go.
Cut the strings, so to speak.
I bet you'll still be bossy as hell.
Actually, I hope to be more of a leader, as opposed to being just bossy, Kitty.
So to celebrate this new laissez-faire Blaine, I've made some felt peace offerings.
Voila.
- What?
- Whoa!
It has glasses!
I think we look alike.
♪ Dog goes woof ♪ Cat goes meow ♪ Bird goes tweet ♪ And mouse goes squeak ♪ ♪ Cow goes moo ♪ Frog goes croak ♪ And the elephant goes toot ♪ Ducks say quack ♪ ♪ And fish go blub ♪ And the seal goes ow ow ow ♪ But there's one sound ♪ ♪ That no one knows ♪ ♪ What does the fox say? ♪ ♪ Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding-ding-ding ♪ ♪ Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding-ding-ding ♪ ♪ Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding-ding-ding ♪ ♪ What the fox say? ♪ ♪ Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow ♪ ♪ Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow ♪ Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow ♪ ♪ What the fox say? ♪ ♪ Hee, hee, hee ♪ A-hee, hee, hee ♪ ♪ A-hee, hee, hee ♪ What the fox say? ♪ ♪ Ooh... ♪ Ooh... ♪ ♪ What does the fox say? ♪ The secret of the fox ♪ Ancient mystery ♪ Somewhere deep in the woods ♪ ♪ I know you're hiding ♪ ♪ What is your sound? ♪ ♪ Will we ever know? ♪ ♪ Will always be a mystery ♪ ♪ What do you say? ♪ ♪ You're my guardian angel ♪ Hiding in the woods ♪ What is your sound? ♪ ♪ Wa-wa-way-do ♪ ♪ Wub-wid-bid-dum-way-do ♪ ♪ Wa-wa-way-do ♪ ♪ Will we ever know? ♪ ♪ I want to ♪ Wa-wa-way-do ♪ ♪ Know, I want to know ♪ I want to know ♪ Wa-wa-way-do. ♪