08x05 - Dee-vorced

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Ah, the phones of the ' s; kitschy, colorful and enormous.

And my dad hated all of them.

Especially when he couldn't get through to the house.

A busy signal?!

Oh, what kind of Chatty Charlie is hogging the line?!

Piece of crap garbage children!

If you met them, you'd know!

But then we got the cutting-edge tech

that would end the busy signal forever...

call waiting.

I love you more than the Cookie Monster loves cookies.

Whoa, [Chuckles] that's a lot.

- [Line beeps]

- Is that your call waiting?

Let me get rid of them.

Goldbergs.

And if this is for Barry, he's instructed me to say "Wassup, girl." I've been calling for ten minutes!

- Didn't you hear the beep?

- Oh, sorry, Dad.

Put your mom on.

Who knew there was more than one kind of onion?

Mom, Dad's calling, but make it fast 'cause I'm talking to Brea!

Just a sec, Schmoopie Poops.

I'm adding some flavor to my Swedish meatballs.

Dad, it's gonna be a while.

Let me get back to Brea.

No, no, no, don't you do the click over.

Ooh, my finger's already in motion.

Sorry, my love.

My dumb dad was on the line.

It's still me, moron!

Whoops.

- Brea?

- Hey.

- Where'd he go?!

- [Beeping]

RECORDING: Please deposit ten cents.

Fine!

I'm gonna get every onion there is!

I will take away everything and everyone you love forever!

Too much club, sweetie.

Well, then, fine!

I'll throw your bedroom into the ocean!

Moving closer, but still a miss.

All right, I will remove all of your precious phones!

Mom, talk to your husband.

We need phones.

What if there's a medical emergency?

There will be if you don't move out of my way!

Dad!

Okay, Murray, there's too much slack.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was November th, -something,

and the Jenkintown Posse was back in action.

Your lives may begin again!

Your magnetic and voluptuous leader has returned!

- JTP!

- TOGETHER: JTP!

Hmm, the place seems different.

Where's all the sadness and stench of a litter box even though there's no cat?

Oh, Erica's been helping them spruce the place up.

Mostly, it's just cleaning.

Did you know that there was a fireplace behind the gum wall?

Okay, emergency JTP announcements.

One, I am now single and free to hang around the clock.

Two, turn this place back into the filthy hell I love.

Dude, they can't live in a dump.

They have girlfriends now.

Oh, please!

These loveless, unlovable dummies don't have love in their love-deprived lives.

But we do.

I met Beth when she came in The Gap looking for a fitted cable knit sweater, and she left with my heart.

Dear Penthouse letters, I have a story you'll never use.

My special lady is Gwen.

Her purity ring says no, but her anger at her father says yes.

Gwen sounds like a poor man's Beth.

I've recently begun a dalliance with Laura.

She embraces my nudist lifestyle but asks that I put a towel down on her couch.

Sounds like you guys got a pretty good poker hand: three fives.

Now let's go to the Wawa and play some classic JTP smash ball.

Is that where you smash fruit with swords and tennis racquets, and the guy who works there spends hours hosing it down?

Erica knows her sports.

Ah, we're gonna need a rain check, man.

We have a quadruple date at Bennigan's.

Our ladies like to day drink in a funky atmosphere.

But article nine of the JTP bylaws states that all members must heed the wishes of its most jacked leader.

Me.

I don't remember signing off on that one.

That's because it was just added.

The JTP Constitution is a living document.

Yeah, these rules seem to change based on your arbitrary whims.

Naked Rob gets it.

Now let's grab a w*apon and smash some stuff.

I call whatever this is!

Ooh, that's our decorative river cane.

Let's...

Let's leave that be.

Now I'm angrier than Gwen at her father.

Damn it!

I learned her name.

Let's move!

While Barry forced the JTP to hang,

I was without a phone

and forced to connect with Brea the old-fashioned way...

pen and paper.

"Brea, my light, my heart..." "...is laid bare before you.

I give you all of me, and in return I require nothing but to see your smile...

more glorious than any sunrise." Okay, Shakespeare we were not,

but these were sweet nothings

shared between just the two of us.

"My dearest sweet Adam..." "...you are my sun and my moon." And apparently my mom.

"Until our lips meet again, I am lost.

I can't wait until we are eternally bonded in marriage.

Man and wife." Oh, no!

[Bleep]

no!

Murray, turn off your best friend!

We got a problem!

Is that the electric bill?

Because I told those kids, "Hey, you don't open that refrigerator until you know what you want!" It's Adam and Brea's love letters.

They're discussing marriage!

They've only known each other like a week.

They've been dating for over a year.

She came to Miami with us.

Ah!

I know who you're talking about.

Big girl, like feet, blonde hair, pounds, big wine-stain birthmark on her face.

No!

And who is that?

They're already tossing around names for their children.

They want to name their son Cameron.

My first instinct is to do nothing.

I'm gonna go with that.

You're not shocked by any of this?

Nah.

My first girlfriend?

I told her I would die for her.

We broke up a week later.

Just found out she d*ed.

Nobody cares about your old, dead trollops.

I'm worried about Adam.

My point is, young couples say all sorts of dumb stuff.

Well, what if this isn't just stuff?

This girl could be our future daughter-in-law.

- We barely know her.

- We know her...

big girl with the Gorbachev thing on her face.

That's very specific.

- Who are you thinking of?

- I don't know.

But why are we on the hook for all this?

Call up her parents and let them destroy young hearts.

That's a great idea, Murray.

Except we don't have a phone to call them!

So go down the street and use the pay phone like I do to order calzones.

Why am I the only one with good ideas?

As my mom thought of ways to reach out to Brea's parents,

the JTP were returning to their roots.

[Cheering]

They sliced stuff.

Piña colada!

They crushed stuff.

- ALL: Ohh!

- Told ya!

Then they blew stuff up.

Whoo!

[Laughs]

That was bananas!

Firecrackers and wordplay!

This is the best!

This seems like a natural stopping point.

I gotta boogie.

You know how Erica gets when I'm tardy.

Yeah, I should go too.

- Same.

- Me too.

But I have a long list of other fun things to destroy.

We love you, bud, but our lovely ladies are waiting for us.

Well, I'm afraid you've given me no choice but to order you to break up with your girlfriends.

[Chuckles]

You can't do that.

Oh, but I can.

Tell Linda, Essie and Ginzy it's over.

Those aren't their names, and we're not gonna do that.

We like them a lot.

More than me, your best friend?

- Well...

- It's not the same.

Their hugs are different.

Oh, get over here!

There's not a lady alive I can't out-hug.

Bar, if anyone should understand why we wanna spend time with our girlfriends, it's you.

Yeah, you totally disappeared when you were dating Ren and Lainey.

Hmm.

This all makes sense now.

As long as you have love in your life, you won't ever have time for me.

Awesome.

Your tone is ominous, but I'm glad we could figure this out.

Oh, it's figured.

It's figured but good.

Hey, get back here and clean this up!

While Barry cooked up a surprise for the JTP,

I got a surprise visit from my girlfriend's mom.

- Hey, Adam.

- Mrs. Bee?!

What are you doing here in my home where my dubious family resides?

You okay?

You seem a little startled to see me.

Oh, not too startled, I hope.

[Chuckles]

Adam tends to get a leaky fuel line under the smallest amount of pressure.

- What?

- We're talking oil and gas.

Mom!

It was one Fourth of July!

I see.

Uh, your mom invited me over to get to know each other, and I already feel like I know too much.

Excuse us for a sec.

Why is my girlfriend's mom here?

Well, you've been dating a long time, and you are her sun and moon.

You read my letters!

Those are private!

You should know that nothing in this house is private.

That's why I took the doors off the bathrooms.

You said the handyman was painting them.

And to be clear: no grandson of mine is gonna be named Cameron.

We're also considering Joshua.

I've already got your kids' names picked out.

The boys will be Eli, Jacob and Samuel.

And the twins will be named Sasha and Lily.

- Five kids?

- Don't worry.

I'll be there the whole time to help out.

MURRAY: I'm home!

Doesn't mean it's the start of a conversation.

Dad!

Put your pants back on!

Vicki Bee is here!

- The principal?

- No, Murray, I'm Brea's mom.

It's nice to finally meet you.

I'm sorry.

I wish somebody would've called and let me know I'd be uncomfortable in my own home.

We would have except Murray got rid of all the phones.

Because this moron was constantly tying up the line, talking to his moron girlfriend!

Whose mom is right here!

Great, we're practically family.

Off they go.

Yeah, Mrs. Bee in my house was bound to be bad.

But then the craziest thing happened.

She and my mom became fast friends.

I probably shouldn't admit this but...

I took a teeny peek at one of Adam and Brea's love letters.

- I read 'em all.

- Me too.

It was a little upsetting.

So tell me, how do we pull the reins on their stupid, misguided, teenage love?

Maybe we talk to them as adults?

Ooh, I got one.

We trick them into thinking that marriage is a faulty, loveless institution that yields no permanent joy or happiness.

Oh, I've already done that.

Oh?

Brea's dad and I went through a nasty split.

- Wasdatnow?

- Yeah, we're divorced.

Yep, back in the day,

people were uncomfortable with the "D" word.

- Oh.

- My mom was definitely one of them.

- Wow.

- Truthfully, it ended up being the best thing for everyone.

With that, my mom realized

Mrs. Bee's past might affect my future.

So she did this.

Murray, we've got to break up Adam and Brea!

Damn right!

That lady's way too old for him.

My mom was upset over the news of Vicki's divorce,

- and my dad wasn't helping.

- So this doesn't bother you?

She's divorced, big deal.

So you don't care about Adam splitting with Brea and only seeing his children half the time?

So help me, if she takes those little munchkins out of state, I will kidnap them!

So you think Brea will divorce Adam just because her mom is divorced?

Yes.

Children repeat the mistakes of their parents.

- We have to stop Adam.

- [Door opens, closes]

Stop me from doing what?

Oh, baby, sit down.

We have some upsetting news about Brea.

Brea's mother, Vicki...

[Whispering]

...is divorced.

What are you saying?

[Whispering]

Divorced.

Still can't hear you.

- Dee.

Vorced.

- The Force?

- Dee.

Vorced.

- From "Star Wars"?

- [Whispering]

Divorced.

- What are you saying?

Divorced!

The woman is divorced!

Oh.

Yeah, I know.

That harpy told you about her broken marriage?

No, I kinda figured it out when her dad lived in a different house.

Without his family?

Is he ever not smiling?

Adam, let me tell you a story.

No.

I don't wanna hear how your aunt's handyman's mom got divorced and now she's living in a giant soup can.

It was my manicurist's roof guy who lost so much in his split that they turned his water off and he had to bathe in a lake.

Snapping turtles took his toes, lips and a nice chunk of one buttock, and now he's got to sit crotch down.

None of that happened to any person.

I only bring this up because you and Brea have been discussing your futures, and I don't think that she has the best role models.

And what do I have?

No boundaries and no bottoms.

The kid's pretty clever.

When's he gonna get a girlfriend?

Adam, you need to listen to me!

Divorce is no laughing matter!

I don't want you to be one of those sad sacks who has to go on dates in his thirties!

In his thirties!

Stop!

Divorce isn't some horrible thing!

Just because Brea's mom is doesn't mean it's inevitable for us.

Okay, so you're not gonna listen to me.

Maybe you'll listen to one of your esteemed heroes.

You think these bozos are my heroes?

It's the best I could do.

Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

We didn't agree.

This is a hostage situation.

Well, while we're waiting for help, let's find out more about you people.

I'd prefer to keep my private life private.

Oh, not me.

I talked about my gout on a sports call-in show this morning.

- What do you want to know?

- Dale, are you currently married?

Nope, split as the pea soup I eat alone in my bachelors-only building.

Your divorce must have been difficult.

Actually, it was the best.

- What?

- Yup.

I was finally free from the lies about why our carpenter was always wearing my bathrobe or coming with me and Gretchen on vacation.

Ignore him.

Ball, you're a tragic divorcé, right?

Happily married for thirty glorious years.

But you always seem so bald and miserable.

This going how you thought it was gonna go?

Fine.

Surely you have tragic tales of dating.

Au contraire.

The pool of unattached older gals is deep.

Desperate, widowed bitties want attention.

And I'm just the young buck to give it to 'em.

Enough.

No one cares if Brea's mom is divorced.

Brea Bee's hot mom is on the market?

Tell her I have most of my original teeth.

Well, excuse me for wanting to protect you.

Protect him from what?!

He's never gonna do better than Brea Bee.

Ever.

I mean, ever.

PRINCIPAL BALL: It's true.

We spend hours in the teachers' lounge trying to figure out how he landed her in the first place.

My guess is she got hit on the head and it damaged the part of her brain that processes odd shapes.

This is starting to feel personal.

It is.

Ha!

While my mom's plan

to break up me and Brea broke down,

Barry was planning a few breakups of his own,

one JTP member at a time.

Good afternoon, it's Matt Bradley.

[High-pitched voice]

Hi, Matt Bradley, it's your girlfriend.

Beth?

You sound weird.

You sound weird!

Which is one of the reasons why I'm breaking up with you.

Don't look for answers.

Byeeee!

[Dial tone]

One down...

[Normal voice]

three to go.

Yep, he used every trick in the breakup book,

like the Dear John letter.

"Dear Rob, it's over.

Sincerely, Naked Rob's girlfriend.

Don't look for answers." - [Knock on door]

- The intimidating home-wrecker.

- Andy Cogan?

- Yeah?

I'm your romantic rival, and I have easily claimed your girlfriend.

What?

But you're a turtlenecked child!

A turtlenecked child with a fresh twenty in his pocket!

- What?

- Don't look for answers.

And for Geoff, he straight-up lied.

- Oh, hey, Barry.

What's up?

- Terrible news.

I just talked to my sister.

She said she doesn't want to see you again.

- Oh, my God!

What?!

- Don't look for answers.

While Barry's lies stunned the JTP,

my mom was about to face a very angry Mrs. Bee.

Vicki!

To what do I owe this...

Cut the crap, Beverly.

Did you tell Dale Woodburn that I was single and ready to swingle?

[Scoffs]

Not in those words.

He just called and asked me to be his date to his cousin's sobriety anniversary.

Meeting the family!

Wow, you move fast!

I'm not going anywhere with him!

Only one side of his body sweats.

That's called Harlequin syndrome.

It's a real nervous disorder.

And I would think you'd be more sympathetic given your situation.

My situation?

Meaning I'm divorced?

Something you're clearly not comfortable with.

I have no issue, zero, with the fact that you are [Whispering]

divorced.

Then why can't you say it?

Please!

[Chuckles]

Give me a soap box and a megaphone!

You are [Whispering]

divorced.

Here's something I have no problem saying: you're crazy.

Your whole family is crazy!

How dare you?!

That is something that you whisper!

Why?

The whole world should know.

Your husband doesn't wear pants.

- And?

- And he threw out all your phones.

- And?

- And you dragged your son to school to scare him with the marital woes of the faculty!

- That's a good one.

- [Door opens]

- Mom?

- What's going on?

Uh, what's going on is we're leaving.

- But...

But...

- Let's go!

[Sighs]

What.

Did.

You.

Do?

Nothing!

[Scoffs]

She called our family crazy for some reason.

For all the reasons!

It's well established you're a mentally deranged crackpot!

Schmoo, don't be upset.

I'm just looking out for your best interests.

Best interests?

I thought you read my letters.

Brea is my everything.

No one who really cared about me would try to take that away.

While my mom was divorced from reality,

Barry was ready to hang with the newly single JTP.

There they are.

I heard the news about all four of your lovers leaving you simultaneously.

But fear not, I've come bearing gifts.

Yeah, Bar, how exactly did you hear about our girlfriends dumping us?

You know, the campus grapevine.

General scuttlebutt.

While I do like to gab, I think of myself as a listener.

Check it.

Used road flares, huh?

Dude, our ladies didn't actually break up with us.

Denial. People don't want to hear the truth, but it's best to accept it and move on.

Cheggit: "Look Who's Talking." It's a baby who's talking, that's who.

Nice try, dumbass.

This is low even for you.

Geoff, you took this strumpet back after what she did?!

Barry, I didn't cheat on him!

Oh, don't play her games!

She knows what she did!

Barry, we know you're behind this and we can prove it.

Sorry, Barry.

Even though this guy wears sandals, he's quick like a rabbit.

I want my dollars back.

Long gone, muchacho.

Like me.

Enjoy whatever this is.

Fine!

You got me.

Another Barry prank for the ages.

First we laugh, now we make up over Hawaiian pizza.

No, thanks.

This time you went too far, man.

Only because I wanted to hang out with you guys.

And watch the romantic ups and downs of a new mom as seen through the cynical eye of a talking baby.

Why would we want to hang out with someone - who'd try to hurt us?

- [Scoffs]

We're gonna go be with our ladies.

See ya around, Big Tasty.

Come on.

Geoff, come on.

Wait!

Barry's attempts to free the JTP

from the bonds of their girlfriends had been fruitless.

The same could not be said about the Wawa parking lot.

Uch.

That tastes nothing like Sprite.

Thought I'd find ya here.

You playin' some smash ball?

I tried, but I have no one to play with, so I'm just eating the fruit.

Yeah, I see you munching on that lime there.

- How's that treating you?

- Not so good.

Neither are the three grapefruits, basket of blackberries, six mushy plums, half a mango, and something called a jackfruit.

I'm starting to think the seeds weren't edible.

Oh, no!

Barry, that is way too much fruit!

No, I deserve the terrible gas, bloating, and pins-and-needles feeling in my feet.

I'm a terrible friend.

I mean, it wasn't great.

Why can't you just be happy for them?

I am.

I love those guys.

It's just they've always been there when I needed them.

And for the first time they're not.

That's not true.

Bar, haven't I always been there for you?

- Yeah.

- Look, you can still be a good friend while being in a relationship.

- What's the secret?

- No secret.

You just got to work hard at both.

And always make sure no one forgets how much they mean to you.

Are you saying I should go to them?

They're on a group date right now at the mini golf course.

- So maybe it can wait till...

- I will go to them!

Thank you, Geoff.

And so Barry ran to his friends.

But my mom couldn't run

from how I really felt about my girlfriend.

Whatcha doing?

Torturing myself.

Adam writes that he will never love anyone as much as he loves Brea.

You think he means it?

Yeah, right now he does, sure.

Well, if he and Brea are in it for the long haul, we've got some awkward holidays ahead.

I offended Vicki Bee.

Well, just call her and apologize.

How?

We have no phone.

I missed having something to slam.

- Thanks.

- ["Head Over Heels" by The Go-Go's plays]

But this is probably something I should do in person.

Sometimes we get so caught up in what's best

for the people we love,

we do crazy things.

Listen!

I need to say something, but not to you guys.

To them, the girlfriends.

Yeah, Bar...

You three may not know it, but you are the luckiest ladies on the planet.

All right?

Let me give you some advice.

Cherish these men and all that make them unique.

Like how irate Andy gets when you use his tiny back scrubber.

Do you mean my toothbrush?

Accept them as they are.

Because if you don't...

you'll lose them.

And that's a terrible feeling.

Um, Barry, these girls aren't their girlfriends.

What do you mean?

Okay.

Who remembers what I just said?

NAKED ROB: We all do.

[Laughs]

JTP.

ALL: JTP!

Yeah, there's lots of different ways

to say you're sorry.

But when it comes from the heart, that's all that matters.

- Looking for Adam?

- You, actually.

I want to apologize for everything.

I have no right to judge you.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Look, I have a lot of big, sometimes-stupid ideas about what a traditional family is supposed to be.

But you're a great mom.

You couldn't raise a girl as amazing as Brea if you weren't.

Well, Adam's not too bad himself.

My body made his body.

That's something someone says to another person.

It's just, if our kids are gonna be in each other's lives, it would be nice if we could make it work, too.

For our kids, we'd both do anything.

Come on in.

That's the thing. No family is perfect.

But it's our differences that make us unique.

This makes me nervous.

I'm terrified.

And when you combine those differences

with a whole lot of love,

it goes a long way.

[Cheering]

In the end, that's what strengthens

all the relationships in our lives,

no matter what,

'cause when you got people who love

and care and celebrate you,

it's a hole in one.

So, I'm here with the real Brea, who you saw playing her own mother.

Is it just weird to play your own mother?

It's super weird.

You and Adam really did date in high school.

Did you guys actually write those letters?

It is true.

We did date during high school and we wrote a lot of letters to each other.

Now, I happen to have an actual letter right here.

- Oh, no.

- "I feel like your soul and my soul have become one.

When I'm not with you, I feel like I'm dying.

It's almost like I need you to live." I mean, that's normal, right?

[Laughter]