04x06 - Sophia's Wedding: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Girls!

Girls, it's here.

I am so excited.

It's my letter from the Elvis Presley Fan Club.

Oh, my hands are shaking.

Dorothy, you read it.

"Dear Rose Nylund, "Your application to start an unauthorized chapter "of the Elvis Presley Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club in your neighborhood and/or trailer park has been accepted." This is the happiest, most fulfilling day of my life!

Which makes you the most pathetic human being on this planet.

(phone rings)

Well, I love Elvis.

Blanche, I'd be honored if you'd be the first member of the Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club.

I graciously accept and promise to do a good job as president.

Why should you be president?

Well, because I saw Elvis in Harum Scarum over 50 times.

So did I.

I have every album he ever recorded.

So have I.

And every single.

I slept with him in a Motel 6 outside Chattanooga.

Congratulations, Madam President.

Blanche, why did you say that?

You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.

Back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with muttonchop sideburns named Elvis.

The light was bad in the bayou.

It could have happened.

Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.

Oh, all right, all right.

But I once did make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest, and in the middle of it, I cried out Elvis' name.

Technically, I think that counts.

Ma, what's the matter?

Esther Weinstock is dead.

We grew up together.

She was my best friend.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What happened?

She was fighting an oil-rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

She was 88!

Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

When is the funeral?

Wednesday.

I'll go back to Brooklyn with you.

I'm not going, and you know why.

I guess the body was lost at sea.

Ma doesn't want to go to the funeral because Esther's husband...

Max Weinstock will be there.

I will not stand under the same roof with that miserable bocciagalupe, and you know why.

See, years ago, Max and my father were business partners.

They ran a pizza-knish stand at Coney Island.

One day, Pop came home and said that Max had gambled away the profits.

Well, they went broke.

Ma never forgave him.

Years ago, Max and my Salvadore were business partners...

They already know, Ma.

Oh, that's what I figured.

I got my heel caught in the carpet.

Sophia, she was your best friend.

Are you sure you don't want to go to her funeral?

Of course I want to go.

But I swore a Sicilian oath I would never cast my eyes on Max Weinstock again.

And nothing you say or do will make me change my mind.

I'll pay for the tickets.

Book business class.

If I have to sit through the Three Amigos, I'll need champagne.

All right, Dorothy.

Let's get out of here.

Ma, we have to pay our respects to the family.

And listen, if you see Max, I don't want you making another scene like at the funeral.

Scene?

What scene?

It's not my fault the klutz tripped over my foot and nearly fell into an open grave.

You didn't have to yell, "Start shoveling, boys," as he tried to get up.

Sophia?

Dorothy, do you hear a dog howling?

Behave yourself.

Hello, Mr. Weinstock.

Oh, my goodness, as I live and breathe.

Unfortunately.

You're little Dorothy Petrillo.

That's right.

You haven't changed a bit.

Same gorgeous smile.

Pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair.

You have cataracts, don't you, Mr. Weinstock?

Since 1967.

Let's go.

Sophia...

Esther would have appreciated you being here.

I loved that woman.

She was the best.

Which why she deserved a better husband instead of a miserable, no-good, lowlife sleazeball.

Sophia, if you knew now what I knew then...

Ah, so what.

If you've got something to say, spit it out.

Don't push me, or I will.

There, I pushed.

Too bad you weren't on a flight of stairs.

Ma, Ma, you're creating a scene.

Look, that was a long time ago.

Forget about it.

I can't forget.

This man stole money from us.

Because of him, our family went hungry.

Ma, we never went hungry.

Some nights, I felt like dessert.

Sophia, I kept this secret for 40 years because I didn't want to break your heart.

But now that I know it's made of stone, you might as well know the truth.

Brooklyn, 1949.

We were sitting at this table playing a spirited game of...

Gin!

Four in a row.

Tonight's your lucky night.

I hope that'll continue once we get home.

Ha.

He buys a new T-shirt, trims the hair out of his ears, suddenly he's Charles Boyer.

So how was business today?

Terrific.

We didn't have a pizza or a knish left on the shelf.

I'd love a cup of coffee.

I'll get everybody some.

Here, let me help.

Max, there's something I have to tell you.

What's wrong?

The week's receipts - I lost 'em on a horse.

You what?

I got a tip.

It was supposed to be a sure thing.

I don't believe it!

That means we're out of business.

We're through.

So's my marriage.

When Sophia finds out, she'll put me out on the street.

Max, I'm sorry.

Coffee'll be ready in a minute.

Sophia, I have something to tell you.

Wait, wait.

Let me tell her.

Sophia, we're out of business.

I gambled the money away.

That's not true.

I wish it wasn't.

That's what happened.

I'm sorry, Sophia.

I don't believe it!

This is insane.

Calm down.

Calm down?

Calm down?

Did you hear what he just said?

Salvadore wanted to tell you, but I wouldn't let him.

I cared for you both too much to let your marriage break up.

And Sal felt so guilty, he never gambled again.

It was worth it.

That was a very lovely thing you did, Mr. Weinstock.

Wasn't it, Ma?

Wasn't it, Ma?

Ah, forget it.

It's ancient history.

Ma, say something to him.

I can't.

Sicilians have a hard time with apologies.

They also have a hard time passing wet cement without putting someone in it.

They manage.

Go on.

Max, there's something I gotta say to you.

What?

The knishes.

They're pretty good.

Apology accepted.

Well, that about concludes the first meeting of the Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club.

But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise.

A genuine Elvis artifact!

(oohs and aahs)

It's a partially-eaten pork chop.

He had beautiful teeth, didn't he?

It's wonderful.

This has to be a fake.

Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.

Dorothy, you're out of the club.

Meeting is adjourned.

Thank you, ladies.

See you next week.

Thank you for coming.

Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.

I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club.

I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life.

I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.

We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.

Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion.

Like what, Blanche?

The PLO?

Do you know what I hate doing most after a party?

Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?

Cleaning up the dirty dishes.

You twit.

Listen, why don't we just leave this mess and go out and get something to eat?

I'll ask Ma if she'd like to come.

It'll do her good to get out of the house.

Oh, she's been so depressed since that funeral.

I mean, she lost one of her oldest friends, and even though she made up with Max, she'll probably never see him again.

Well, you go and get her.

We will try to cheer her up.

We don't want that poor thing getting sick over this.

No.

(Dorothy)

Ma!

Oh, my God!

Dorothy, what is it?

What, honey?

Oh!

Good Lord.

Ma, what is going on here?

Afterglow.

Nice to see you again, Dorothy.

You too, Mr. Weinstock.

When did you get in?

Oh, you mean in town?

Yesterday.

You should have called.

I could have made you dinner.

Before you slept with my mother!

Dorothy!

Ma, this is the most upsetting thing you have ever done.

I am shocked.

I am disappointed.

I am speechless.

We're getting married.

I am very lightheaded.

Dorothy?

Dorothy?

Oh, good, I think she's waking up.

Oh, honey, come on, sweetie.

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine, Rose.

Oh, that was strange.

I...

I've never fainted before.

Me neither.

What does it feel like after you faint?

Like this, Rose.

Ma, I think it's time you explained all this nonsense about getting married.

It's not nonsense.

And we're gonna do it right away.

Look, Dorothy, I know that you'll probably find it hard to understand.

But when I saw your mother again after all these years, something happened.

We talked, we laughed, we held hands, we fell in love.

Actually, we got a hot dog before we fell in love.

But the point is, we're crazy about each other.

And if this turns out to be a mistake, what the hell, we'll probably be dead before we find out.

Kiss me, you poet.

Oh, they are so cute together!

Isn't it romantic?

No, it isn't.

It's ridiculous.

Ma, this is the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life.

Fine.

Don't come to the wedding.

Who wants you?

But just remember one thing.

If you want to send us a gift, we're registered at Jordan Marsh.

What are you doing?

Sending out invitations for Sofia's wedding.

Oh, well, forget about that.

Do you know what we need?

An Elvis impersonator.

That sounds great.

I thought we'd get a new dishwasher first, but this could probably come in just as handy.

I mean for our next club meeting, Rose.

Membership has been waning.

Maybe this will generate a little interest.

Oh, Blanche, that's a terrific idea.

What's a terrific idea?

Hiring an Elvis impersonator for our next club meeting.

If you were picking out an Elvis impersonator, how would you pick a good one?

I'd thump on his belly and see if he's ripe.

How the hell should I know?

Why the hell should I care?

You threw me out of your crummy club.

I'll start working on it as soon as I finish the invitations for...

you-know-who's wedding.

Look, Rose, I would rather not talk about Ma's wedding.

Dorothy, don't you think it's time you gave her your blessing?

We've hired a caterer, we've ordered flowers.

The invitations are being sent.

Blanche, how can I give her my blessing?

She has hated that man for 40 years.

Now, suddenly, after a three-day weekend, she decides to get married.

I cannot believe that someone can fall in love that quickly.

My Charlie asked me to marry him ten minutes after we met.

'Course, we were only seven at the time.

My mother was so cute when I told her.

She said, "Rose, honey, you're just a little girl.

"You have your entire life before you, and the whole world to see.

"Now, you wait until you grow up and get sophisticated, and marry at 15, like your sisters." But you didn't.

No.

I was always kind of the gypsy of the family.

The rebel.

I wanted to see the world.

After high school, I went to St.

Gustave University to study Latin.

I didn't know you studied Latin.

First in my class, Orothyday.

Well, what do you think?

Sophia, that looks beautiful.

It's absolutely gorgeous.

Don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?

Please!

The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow.

It doesn't matter.

No one's gonna see this.

What do you mean?

According to Sicilian custom, I can't marry unless I have you-know-who's blessing.

Who?

d*ck Clark!

Dorothy, you idiot.

Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.

Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily this morning to tell her about the wedding.

She told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I have the blessing of my eldest daughter or my child with the most facial hair.

Either way, all arrows point to you.

Ma, you know how I feel.

I cannot give you my blessing.

Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on Earth.

Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five foot seven!

You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.

Damn MCI.

(Blanche)

Sophia?

Sophia?

(Rose)

Sophia?

Ha-ha-ha.

Where'd she go?

The wedding's about to start.

(toilet flushes)

Is that you, Sophia?

No, it's Merlin Olsen.

I'm watering my forget-me-not bouquet.

Honey, we've come to help you get ready.

The wedding is off.

What's going on?

Where's Sophia?

She's locked herself in the bathroom.

She has pre-wedding jitters.

Sophia?

It's me, Max.

Now, what's all this nonsense about not wanting to get married?

Oh, Max, I love you with all my heart.

The time we've spent together has been some of the happiest of my life.

But my Dorothy might be right.

Maybe it's not possible to fall in love so quickly.

Maybe it's not possible at all at our age.

But it sure felt like it the other night when we were walking along the beach and you took me in your arms and said, "Sophia, look up at that beautiful moon.

"I wish I could throw a lasso around it and give it to you.

That's how much I love you." And then I said, "Darling - Ma, stop.

Stop.

Ma, listen, I have to talk to you.

Who's in charge here?

What's the problem?

I'm the caterer.

It's 2:00.

The guests are waiting.

Why isn't the show on the road?

Ma, I know you're in there.

The wedding is off.

She doesn't approve.

She doesn't approve?

Now look here, Stretch.

I have a hundred cheese puffs and a sensitive assistant both on the verge of collapse.

Whatever the problem is, overlook it.

My mother did with my marriage.

And if you say something smart, I'll slap you silly.

Listen, this is a private moment, so butt out, Rambo.

Ma, I have a confession to make.

I came here to beg you for the last time not to get married.

I didn't want you and Max together because it looked like you were cheating on Pop.

I know it doesn't make any sense, but I still think of the two of you as being married.

I didn't want Max taking Pop's place.

But now that I see the two of you so much in love, I realize I was just being selfish, Ma.

Ma, I want you to be happy.

And I know Pop would, too.

I love you, pussycat.

This is more moving than Susan Hayward's climactic speech in I Want To Live.

You're ready to fly right out of here, aren't you?

Well, excuse me for living, Anita Bryant.

Could we please get married already so I can get in on the hugging?

Places!

Oh, Sophia.

Honey, I want to wish you all the happiness in the world.

Oh, thank you, Blanche.

And, Sophia, I want to offer you a traditional Scandinavian wedding blessing.

Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen, potetaflingin kaflafen.

I'm really touched.

I'm also soaking wet.

All right!

One group hug, and let's hit the road.

Oh, Sophia, honey...

(organist plays "The Wedding March" by Wagner)

Uh-oh.

Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list, or everyone in Max's family appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Who cares already?

Let's just do it!

We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in matrimony...

I just love weddings.

Oh, me too, me too.

You think you'll ever get married again?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't think so.

Me, neither.

How about you, Blanche?

Oh, absolutely.

If the right man ever came along.

'Course, he'd have to have the body of Mr. Mel Gibson, the personality of Mr. Johnny Carson, and the financial resources of Mr. Donald Tr*mp.

I have a feeling the three of us are going to be together for a long time.

Do you, Max, take Sophia to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Then if no Elvis in this room has any objection to this union, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

♪ I do love you

♪ With all my heart

♪ Blue skies of Hawaii smile

♪ On this

♪ Our wedding day ♪

Uh-huh.