06x05 - Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Blanche, would you mind coming over and actually doing something?

Well, Dorothy Zbornak, are you implying I'm not pullin' my weight?

That's between you and the laws of physics.

Come on, honey.

These are your father's things.

You should be helping.

The auction's less than a week away.

There's a lot to do.

It's just so hard for me.

Big Daddy's only been gone for a year.

Here I am, already selling off his things.

Oh, honey, it has to be done.

I know it.

I just didn't realize how seeing these things would bring back so many memories.

Like Big Daddy's Bible.

Never went anywhere without this.

Whiskey.

That explains why every Sunday after services, he'd stand up and yell, "I can lick any man in this church."
Huh.

Oh, Pussycat.

Just the person I was looking for.

I have a question for you, strictly hypothetical.

Let's say a man wants to take you out on a date.

Why is that hypothetical?

Check your calendar, Pussycat.

Uh, now, would you rather this man had looks, personality or money?

Personality.

Looks?

Money?

Why did you ask me that?

No reason.

Just wanted to get your honest opinion.

Here are the answers to that questionnaire.

Aha.

If Dorothy finds out I hired a matchmaker for her, she'll k*ll me.

Oh, I understand.

By the way, I'd like to change the answer on number ten.

I think a prison record does matter.

OK, but you just cut her chances in half.

Never mind.

Whatever you got.

Sophia, are you sure you know what you're doing?

Of course.

What do you think of a woman who cries herself to sleep every Saturday night because she's bored and lonely?

Your daughter does that?

I do that.

If you can fix Dorothy up with somebody, maybe I can get out of the house once in a while.

Or at least stay in and walk around naked.

Look, you better be goin'.

OK.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You forgot to answer the questions on the back.

And I still need a picture.

Would you settle for a thousand words?

No.

All right.

I'll get you a picture.

Now move, move.

Hey, that sign says "No soliciting." Come back here and I'll blow your head off, capisce?

(telephone rings)

I'll get it.

Pussycat, I have another hypothetical question.

Let's say a man is interested in you.

This isn't gonna stop until one of us dies, is it?

No.

Which of the following characteristics could you live with?

Body odor.

Schizophrenia.

Extra toes.

Ma, I couldn't live with any of those.

Look, I am perfectly capable of attracting a man who is charming, good looking and interested in personal hygiene.

Are you gonna take this seriously or not?

Blanche, are you all right?

I'm stunned.

I'm just stunned.

Honey, what's wrong?

That call.

It was Viola Watkins.

She used to be my mammy.

Your what?

My mammy - the woman who took care of me when I was little.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't think I ever heard anyone called "Mammy" before.

What about Mrs. Eisenhower?

"Mammy" Eisenhower.

I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.

Anyway, Mammy says she's gonna be in town in a few days, and she wants to see me.

You don't sound very happy about it.

Didn't you like her?

Oh, I adored her.

She was like another mother to me.

In fact, she was the only friend I had.

I was a lonely child.

My sisters refused to play with me because I was so beautiful.

Do you know what that's like?

No, course you don't.

I loved her, and I thought she loved me.

And then one day, when I was ten years old, she left - no goodbyes, no explanation.

Just disappeared.

I was devastated.

We Southerners don't forget things like that.

It's true.

Possum is brain food.

You know, I had a nanny when I was a child.

She was my best friend.

I could tell her anything, and I'd know she'd keep it a secret.

Oh, we used to spend the days running and playing in the meadow.

Or playing hide-and-seek in the barn.

My nanny treated me just like I was her own kid.

Excuse me.

Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?

Hi, Pussycat.

Gee, you look nice tonight.

Thank you.

But lean over here and smile.

I think you have something on your teeth.

Oh, really?

Ma, why did you do that?

Playboy is running a spread on the substitute teachers of Miami.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I'll get it.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Blanche Devereaux.

Mammy?

Mammy Watkins?

Blanche?

I sure could use a hug.

Okey-dokey.

I was speakin' to Blanche.

Oh.

Dumplin'.

Um...

Mammy, I want you to meet my friends.

This is Dorothy Zbornak.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

And this is Rose Nylund.

We've met.

(laughs)

Won't you sit down?

Blanche, I wanted to tell you how sorry I was to hear of your father's passin'.

He was a wonderful, wonderful man.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact, that's really the reason I've come here.

Oh?

My friends in Atlanta read in the papers where you'd be sellin' off his things here in Miami, and before you did, there's something I'd like to ask you for.

The Bible?

No, thanks.

I don't drink.

There was a music box.

I gave it to your family, and I just can't bear the thought of a stranger buying it.

I'm afraid I'm in no position to bid for it myself, and I was hoping you could give it to me as a gift.

Let me get this right.

I don't hear from you for years and years, then out of the blue I get a phone call, and you come waltzing through that door and want me to give you a music box?

Oh, wait.

It's Mamie!

Just under the buzzer, Rose.

It was of great sentimental value, Blanche, I assure you.

It just so happens we haven't found any music box.

Yes, we have.

It's in that box - Shut up, Rose.

I'm sorry you wasted a whole trip out here, but we're not handin' out free gifts today.

Why don't you drop by again in another 30 years or so?

We'll see what we can do.

They grow up so quickly, don't they?

I had a wonderful time tonight, Jack.

Good.

So did I.

You know, I don't ever go out on blind dates, but Ma was so insistent, and you sounded so nice on the phone.

I am nice.

They don't call 'em "correctional facilities" for nothin'.

And a sense of humor, too.

OK.

Boy, I bet we're both relieved Mrs. Contini did such a great job matching us up, huh?

I'll have to thank her in the morning.

Wait.

Could we back that up a second?

Who is Mrs. Contini?

What do you mean "matching us up"?

You know, Mrs. Contini, the matchmaker who brought us together.

I realize the process is hopelessly old-fashioned, but it's a lot more personal than those video-dating services, don't you think?

I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake.

I think you'd better go.

W-Wait.

C-Can I see you again?

Probably not.

I will be at the Florida State Women's Prison.

The one in Jacksonville?

They used to come to our dances.

Why are you going there?

m*rder.

Oh, you're gonna meet some great gals.

Hi, Pussycat.

Say goodbye, old woman.

Have a good time?

Do I sound like I had a good time?

How the hell should I know?

You're always like this.

Your matchmaker set me up with a criminal!

White-collar.

Ma, will you stop meddling in my life?

I am sick of it.

I told you, if I want a date, I can find one for myself.

Oh, Dorothy.

Dear, sweet, delusional Dorothy.

Blanche, if you don't mind, I'm having a heart-to-heart with my mother.

Now listen up, you withered old Sicilian monkey...

I don't have to take this.

Keep it up, and I'll take you to Shady Pines.

That's where I take you.

Ouch.

Guess I backed into that one.

Blanche, what do you want me to do with Big Daddy's encyclopedias?

Oh, put 'em with the Bible in the liquor cabinet.

(doorbell rings)

What are you doin' here?

Blanche, I came here for more than just the music box.

It was wonderful to see you after all these years.

You are still my little dumplin'.

That's all very sweet, but you're not getting the music box.

Now, if you will please excuse me.

Blanche Marie Hollingsworth, sit down.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

You can't tell me - I said sit!

Now, Blanche, that music box is a lot more important to me than you can possibly know.

I didn't give it to your family.

I gave it to your father.

It was a special gift.

I don't understand.

Blanche, I loved your father.

Of course you did.

Everybody loved Big Daddy.

No, I mean I loved your father.

Get outta here.

We were lovers, Blanche.

That's impossible.

Big Daddy was a Republican.

These are letters he wrote me.

They're personal.

I wouldn't normally have another person read them, but they explain everything better than I ever could.

I'm sorry, Blanche.

I know this comes as a surprise.

(Rose)

Look, Blanche.

Oh, hi.

I found this picture of your mother and father.

What do you want me to do with it?

Mrs. Zbornak.

Mrs. Petrillo.

Oh, good.

You two are talking.

We're not talking.

I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.

That reminds me of a story about St.

Olaf's most famous matchmaker.

Oh, please, Rose, spare me the endless inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck.

And how their daughter was a bull duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.

Honey, what's the matter?

I just found out that Mammy Watkins and Big Daddy had an affair.

They were lovers.

For over 50 years.

And we can't even get anybody to do our windows.

Honey, are you sure?

Yes.

Mammy Watkins gave me these letters Big Daddy wrote to her.

"I'd swim across many oceans "for a glimpse of your face.

"I'd climb the tallest mountains "for the sound of your voice.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles." Seems authentic.

I just can't get over it.

Over what?

San Juan Hill, Rose.

Over the fact that her father had an affair with her mammy.

I don't know what to think.

This changes everything I ever thought about Big Daddy.

I always assumed that he and Mama had a wonderful sex life.

I walked in on 'em once when I was a little girl.

There was all this huffin' and puffin' and high-pitched sounds.

Then suddenly Big Daddy shouted "Glory!" and they both lit up cigarettes.

I vowed then and there I would never do anything so repulsive.

So what happened?

Oh, Bobby Joe Porter explained to me that the cigarette part was optional.

Remember that one time you walked in on me, Dorothy?

Oh, yeah.

I still remember what you said.

"Mommy's sick.

Get help." I would have d*ed if I'd ever caught my parents having sex.

You never walked in on them?

Once, but they were only playing leapfrog.

Have you seen Blanche?

I think she's in her room.

Why?

I really need to talk to her.

Every time you need to talk to somebody, you go to your mother or to Blanche.

Why doesn't anybody ever talk to me?

Your advice always comes with one of those damn St.

Olaf stories.

I can give advice without a damn St.

Olaf story.

Now, what's wrong?

Well, I just don't think it was right of Ma to hire that matchmaker behind my back.

Now, why does she always meddle in my life?

Dorothy, I recently read about a man in...

Paris, France...

named Frudensteufer - Rose...

Pierre Frudensteufer.

He worked in his father's herring - no, quiche factory, and his father Lars Fr- Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?

No.

But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.

Her name was Uma Van Hefflan.

No relation.

Although she, too, collected string.

Well, one day - Rose, stop yourself.

You're doing two of them at the same time.

I know, and I'd like to try to handle it.

I feel like Hans the Plate Spinner.

Funny thing about - Rose!

Oh, my God, Dorothy.

I need help.

Rose, you're headed for a meltdown.

Now make a point, any point.

The point of the story - actually, two of the stories - is that you let your pride get in the way too often.

The only reason your mother did what she did was she didn't want you to be lonely.

When you think about it, the idea of a matchmaker is kinda sweet.

Dorothy, can we talk?

I just want you to understand why I did what I did.

Pussycat, I realize I was wrong by not talking to you before hiring a matchmaker, but what you don't understand is where I come from, matchmaking is an age-old tradition.

For centuries, people have been happy being brought together by a third party.

Ma, I understand.

I-I really appreciate what you're trying to do.

Good.

And in keeping with that spirit, I sold you to the sultan of Fatah.

Ma.

What?

You're a substitute teacher.

It'll be just like The King and I.

Ma, why do you do this?

I want you to be happy.

I am happy.

Look, Ma, I know that you think there's something missing from my life, but there isn't.

If the right person comes along, great, but I don't need a man to be happy.

I didn't realize that about you.

On Mrs. Contini's questionnaire, there's a box about that.

Anybody for barbecued chicken?

Oh, I'm afraid we're out of charcoal, honey.

Who needs charcoal?

That's what these letters are for.

Now, if I can just find that music box, we'll have us a big ol' fire.

Blanche, what are you doing?

I certainly can't let Mammy Watkins have these things.

That'd be just like giving my consent to what happened.

For my sake and my mama's, I cannot do that.

Blanche, your father obviously loved this woman.

You loved this woman.

I think you'll feel a lot better if you talk to her.

All right, I'll talk to her, but I can't promise anything else.

I once wrote some letters to my nanny.

We know, Rose.

She ate them.

(doorbell rings)

Thank you for coming.

I'm glad you called.

Please, sit down.

Well, this has been very difficult for me, but I want you to know I forgive you.

I don't need your forgiveness.

I'm not ashamed of anything I've done.

Blanche, your father and I were in love.

We didn't mean for it to happen, but it did.

In another time and place, we would have been married, but at that time in the South, it wasn't an option.

And it wasn't only physical, either.

You just don't go through what Curtis and I went through just for sex.

Although that was reason enough.

Blanche, did I shock you?

Yes.

I've never heard anybody call Big Daddy by his first name before.

He was the only man I ever loved, and now he's gone.

I'd like to have the music box.

No.

Fine.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Walk out, just like the last time.

What are you talkin' about?

You didn't even say goodbye.

I woke up one morning, and you were gone.

I loved you.

I spent the next few years wondering what I'd done, what I'd said to make you leave me.

So that's what this is all about?

Honey, you didn't do anything wrong.

I had to leave that night because your mother found out about your father and me.

Well, you don't love a little girl for ten years and then just walk out of her life!

Aw, face it.

You didn't care.

Did you or did you not wear your very first formal - white with pink trim - to the junior prom?

And did you not come home wearin' a football jersey?

It was dark in that hay loft.

Your father and I spent many an hour trying to figure out what to do with you.

You drove that man to distraction.

Maybe you talked about me, but that's not the same thing as bein' there.

I know that.

I remember a wedding reception early one June when the most beautiful bride I'd ever seen danced with her equally handsome father.

You were there?

The song was "Tennessee Waltz," and you asked the band to play it twice so you could dance with your daddy as long as possible.

I stood in the back with the caterers so no one would notice.

You don't know how much I wanted to hug you.

I just had to see my dumplin' on her weddin' day.

Here.

I think Big Daddy would want you - I want you to have this.

Blanche, I don't know what to say.

This isn't the right music box.

That's the only music box there is.

The music box I gave your father was black enamel and played "Stardust."

(♪ "Bonanza" theme)

Theme from Bonanza.

Well, then, I guess we went through all this for nothin'.

I wouldn't say for nothin'.

Then who the hell gave him this music box?

Hmm.