06x09 - Mrs. George Devereaux

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Blanche, look at all these flowers!

Oh, my God.

Who d*ed?

Did one of us die?

They're mine, Sophia.

They're from a secret admirer.

Ma, look.

I got flowers.

Two bouquets of lousy, stinking flowers.

They're from my secret admirer, Dorothy.

Do you like 'em?

Every single one of 'em?

Oh, it just figures.

Oh, Dorothy, you mustn't feel so bad.

Why, this is a big day for you, too.

A girl always remembers the first time she gets flowers.

Rose, I am a woman in my 50s.

I mean, common sense says that I have gotten flowers before.

So, Dorothy, tell me.

Are those flowers from men?

Are they?

Huh?

Are they?

It doesn't matter.

It's not important that men find your daughter attractive and send her gifts as a token of their affection.

What is important is that you know it.

Write it down, all of you.

Dorothy, these are from celebrities!

Oh, Rose, that's private.

Lyle Waggoner and Sonny Bono!

Dorothy.

My poor, sweet, dead-end Dorothy.

You're sending flowers to yourself again, aren't you?

Why is it so hard to believe that I am being chased by two men?

Shut up, Blanche.

Last week, I didn't have anything to do one night - shut up, Ma.

So I went to the dinner theater and I saw Lyle and Sonny in a production of Equus.

Uh.

Our six eyes met, Sonny fell into the orchestra pit, Lyle forgot his lines and went into Under the Yum Yum Tree.

Except for the reviews, it was a magical night.

Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner!

Dorothy, this is an embarrassment of riches!

I wanted to tell you sooner, but, well, I was afraid that you might not believe me.

And why should we, Miss Junior Prom 1946?

Ma, you promised.

"Dating the quarterback," she says.

Buys her own corsage, spends the evening hiding in the basement, slow-dancing with a rake.

Would've gotten away with it, too, but while giving herself hickeys with a vacuum cleaner, she stepped into a puddle.

To most mothers, that would be a cry for affection.

To you, it's just a*mo.

Let's just change the subject, OK?

If we're done with our journey to the land of make-believe, my secret admirer wants me to meet him for lunch.

Oh, Blanche, I can't believe you're gonna do it.

I mean, sure, the flowers are nice, but are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?

Oh, come on, Dorothy, how much trouble can I get into in a public place?

How soon we forget the Greyhound terminal incident.

Here's a good idea, Blanche.

If you really want to be safe, why don't you let us come with you?

OK, you can all come.

But you have to promise me you won't do anything to embarrass me.

I promise.

Oh, I promise.

I'll try, but if they serve me cauliflower, it's in God's hands.

Oh, girls, there are just shivers up my spine.

His eyes could be on me right now.

The tension's unbearable.

Can you feel it?

Yes, I can.

It's unbelievable.

Where's the damn waiter?

Dorothy?

Lyle!

I hope I'm not intruding.

Not at all.

What're you doing here?

Well, it's just that we did so many restaurant sketches on (loudly)

The Carol Burnett Show.

I was waxing sentimental.

Oh, by the way, I'd like you to meet my mother Sophia, Blanche, and this is Rose.

Yes, it's me.

Lyle Waggoner.

No autographs.

No problem.

Ma!

If this is true, I'm rooting for Sonny - you know, the paisan.

Besides, there's something about this guy that just honks me off.

So, Dorothy, can I see you later tonight?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lyle.

I'm busy.

Busy?

It's Sonny, isn't it?

No.

I'm just confused.

I need time to think.

You take all the time you need.

But before I go, I want you to know something: ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song...

Yes, it's me.

Hey!

♪ Seems we just get started, and before you know it...

Oh, go ahead, finish your meals.

♪ Comes the time we have to say, "So long" ♪ I hate it when he does that.

Mrs. Devereaux?

There's someone in the bar for you.

Oh, God.

Oh, girls, this is it.

Can you see him, Rose?

Yes, I think I can.

He's coming this way.

Oh!

He's very handsome.

OK, here I go.

Hello...

Oh, my God!

No!

All right, so he's not a ten.

Blanche, honey, please.

Oh, my God.

What in hell?

Why do you look like that?

I don't believe this!

What?

Blanche, Blanche, who is this?

If I didn't know better, I would say my dead husband, George.

Well, George.

We've heard so much about you.

Blanche, George followed you all the way home.

You have to talk to him.

He's alive, all right.

I poked him with a stick.

Blanche, Blanche, I know this is crazy.

But I talked to him and I really think it is George.

And I think you should talk to him, too.

I'm scared.

If you need us, we'll be on the lanai.

And miss this?

Like hell we will.

Shady Pines, Ma.

You're bluffing.

The west wing.

Right behind you.

Shady Pines, Rose.

This really shouldn't work on me.

George, is that really you?

It's me, Blanche.

But you're dead.

At least you're supposed to be.

I buried you nine years ago.

What in hell is going on?

Well, I guess the best thing to do is just give it to you plain and simple.

Blanche, I staged my death.

(Sophia)

He stained his desk?!

But, George, I arranged your funeral.

The eulogy, the flowers.

I even watched 'em put you in the family mausoleum.

Well, what can I say, Blanche?

Thanks.

What a day.

I don't know if I can take much more.

(knocking)

Hi-ho, everybody.

It's me, Sonny.

(Blanche)

Oh, God!

Is Dorothy around?

She's out on the lanai.

I suppose you're wondering why a man like Sonny Bono...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

On the lanai.

Blanche, that is Sonny Bono.

He's a major television star.

Boy, you have been gone a long time.

I know you're shocked and that this has caused you incredible pain.

Yeah, you might say that.

I didn't do it to be cruel.

It may seem cowardly, but I didn't know how to tell you that I just couldn't be married to you anymore.

How could you say that?!

It's Lyle, isn't it?

I'm just confused.

I need time to think.

What's there to think about?

Sonny has the eyes of a poet, the soul of a poet.

Hey, you're through with those furry vests, aren't you?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Take her.

Blanche!

Are you OK?

No, I'm not OK!

I feel like I'm goin' insane.

My life's been turned upside down.

Just so we're in sync, it's this husband-back-from-the-grave thing, right?

Yes, you twit!

My husband who abandoned me nine years ago, and shows up now just to tell me he couldn't stand being married to me.

Blanche.

(Sonny)

Excuse me.

I've had some experience in marital discord myself.

Sonny Bono, get off my lanai.

Dorothy, before I go, can I make just one more plea for your heart?

Oh, all right, Sonny.

Go ahead.

That was it.

Goodbye, Sonny.

Blanche, you didn't hear me out.

I've heard all I have to hear.

I know this is rough for you, but it's been rough for me, too.

Now you're gonna listen!

Nine years ago, I found out that my partner was embezzling from the family company.

He was a clever man.

All the signs pointed to me.

My business was collapsing.

I was facing disgrace, Blanche.

I could've stayed and faced the music, but it's just this damn Southern pride.

It's the same Southern pride that kept me from being a dancer.

George, please, I've had enough surprises for one day.

Blanche, faking my death was a mistake.

For the last nine years, every day without you has seemed longer than the one before.

Now you just say the word and I'll go back where I came from, but I guess what I'm really trying to say is...

Blanche, will you be my wife again?

No, Sonny, I haven't made a decision yet.

Besides, Blanche needs me now.

Look, I have to go.

No, Sonny.

No.

All right, if I do it, will you hang up?

♪ I got you, babe ♪ I got you, babe ♪ Babe Blanche, can I get you something?

No, thanks.

Oh, damn.

I just can't believe how much my life has changed these past six hours.

George is back.

He wants to get together.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, pick Lyle!

Pick Lyle!

Oh, that's Dorothy's problem, isn't it?

I just feel so horrible.

Why do men do this?

Why do they deceive us?

Picture it - Germany, 1922.

Germany?

Were you on vacation, Sophia?

Spy.

Eh, it was a summer job.

Anyway, while in Heidelberg, XQ-37 - that's me - meets a man of science.

He gives me classified documents, I give him, well, a peek at the hinterland.

It's an epic love till it falls to shambles in utter deception.

He wasn't a man of science?

He wasn't a man.

You're making this up, XQ!

I can't believe that you were ever a spy.

I can't believe I told you.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to k*ll you.

Someone was actually able to deceive me once.

Do tell, Rose.

St.

Olaf's most famous OB/MAG.

What's that?

Obstetrician/magician.

The Amazing Shapiro.

He delivered Bridget.

But it was so confusing.

"It's a girl!

Now it's a dove!

Now it's a glass of milk!" I don't know how he got her in that deck of cards, but there she was, right after the King of Hearts.

"Is this your baby?" You know, ever since the funeral I've had this dream where it's all a mistake...

and George is really alive.

And I just feel so happy.

We see each other, we run to embrace, but just before we hug - always just before we hug - I wake up.

And I lie there for a split second thinking George is asleep beside me.

Until it dawns on me one more time that he's really gone, and I grieve again.

I grieved for that man nine years!

How can I forgive that?

Blanche, honey, you need to get ahold of yourself.

What I need is for things to be like they were this morning, before any of this ever happened.

You know, as far as I'm concerned, George Devereaux is better off dead.

(doorbell rings)

Sonny!

Sweetheart!

My little cannoli!

Sophia!

Honey!

My Mama Celeste!

Of course you remember me, Lyle Waggoner.

Nah, I don't think I do.

Sophia, you must remember Lyle.

Sonny, Lyle.

What're you doing here?

Dorothy, we need a decision now.

So, who's it gonna be?

Me or pizza man?

Oh, insults from Lyle Waggoner, huh?

How many gold records do you have?

None.

I was never married.

Put 'em up!

Oh, now, this is ridiculous.

I do not want two grown men fighting over me.

Pussycat, how many chances are you gonna get?

Proceed.

Lyle Waggoner?

You're under arrest.

Arrest?

What's the charge?

I don't have time to list all of them, but he's a prime suspect in a major crime spree.

Where?

Palm Springs, California.

It's good to be mayor.

Let's go.

No, wait.

Dorothy, have you made a decision?

Yes, I have made a decision.

Sonny, I think that Lyle is the sweetest, kindest man I have ever met.

What you have done here is a totally underhanded, inexcusable abuse of power.

Oh, Sonny, the power.

But, Dorothy!

Gumba!

Ma!

All right, now, you kids go out, have fun.

I won't wait up.

Do anything you want to her.

Will do.

Well, Mel Bushman is picking me up in 15 minutes.

Blanche, George called again.

I told you, when he calls, take the message and throw it out.

I'm back to my old self.

Blanche Devereaux has returned!

Oh, boy, strike up the gland!

How rude.

You think she'd feel sorry for me.

To tell you the truth, I don't feel sorry for you, either.

I mean, why should I?

My Charlie is dead and nobody's giving me a second chance.

Listen, Blanche.

I know what it's like to have a husband suddenly taken.

I never had a chance to say all those things I would've wanted to say.

Well, you must know how that feels.

Yes.

But after what he did to me...

Blanche, this isn't about getting even.

For nine years you've been missing George.

Well, he's here and I'm jealous of you.

Tell him you love him, tell him you hate him, I don't care.

But just see him before he leaves.

Do it for yourself.

Do it for all of us who wish we had the chance.

(knocking)

Hi.

Hi.

Dorothy said you wanted to talk to me back here.

Well, Sonny and Rose and Dorothy are making so much noise in the living room.

So, did you make a decision?

Before I can even think about that, there's something I gotta do for me.

I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I need to ask for your forgiveness.

What?

I'm the one who should be down on my knees after what I did.

George, the day you d*ed - or didn't die - I was home alone when the phone rang.

I ran to answer it and I tripped over your damn shoes, and I said, "Oh, George, I hate you." It was the police telling me you'd been in an accident.

Never thought I'd have the chance, but I'm so sorry my last thoughts of you were "I hate you." Well, honey, you always were fiery.

I love that about you.

There's more.

Since the funeral, I've been with other men.

Many, many men.

I always felt like I was cheating on ya.

Oh, Blanche, every day I was gone, I always wished you'd find somebody who could make you happy.

How-how many men?

Two.

Oh, honey, you don't have to ask my forgiveness for anything.

I love you.

Good God, you're as pretty now as the day we met.

Remember that first day we met?

The University Club Cotillion.

Our eyes met and I knew you were the only man for me.

So when it was ladies' choice, I sent my fiancé off for some punch, and I strutted up to you and I said, "May I have this dance?" And I said, "The pleasure would be all mine." And I said, "I know it." Oh, those damn eyes.

I still haven't seen in anyone else's what I see in yours.

Oh!

Oh.

(chuckles)

(knocking)

Blanche?

You OK?

Oh, yeah.

Fine.

I was just checking.

Would you sit with me for a minute?

Well, sure, Blanche.

Boy, you were doing a lot of talking in your sleep.

Oh.

You had that dream again, didn't you?

I told you, I heard voices in here, and...

Oh, God, it's Dorothy!

I tell you, she takes one tennis lesson...

Ma, Blanche had her dream.

Are you all right?

I think so.

Usually I feel empty when I realize George isn't here, but this time, it's different.

How?

I don't know, the dream was diff...

Oh, wait.

I got to hug him.

You know how always wake up before I get to hug George.

This time I didn't.

Oh, Blanche, that's wonderful.

It was wonderful, Rose.

When he d*ed, I thought, "Oh, the worst part is I'll never get to hold him again." Tonight I did.

I could actually feel him.

Still can.

And you're gonna be all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Good night.

Get yourself a good night's sleep.

Good night.

Oh, Blanche, just out of curiosity, were "they" in the dream?

As crazy about you as ever.

I'm sorry I'm laughing, but the idea of me with one of those two is just so silly.

You picked Sonny this time.

Yes!

Well, good night.

Good night, Dorothy.

Good night, George.