05x18 - AN Illegitimate Concern

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Pussycat, when's the last time I told you you were beautiful?

June 1, 1949.

At my wedding.

Oh, well.

That's because pregnant women have that special glow.

It's time to tell you again.

You're a beautiful woman.

What do you want, Ma?

You're so suspicious.

I'm hurt.

This is why the compliments only come every 40 years.

I'm sorry, Ma.

Sorry enough to be in the Shady Pines mother-daughter beauty pageant?

Ma, you hate Shady Pines.

Why do you want to go back?

Two words - Gladys Goldfine.

Ma, just because you don't like the woman doesn't mean that we have to embarrass ourselves in public.

This contest is my chance to put that old witch in her place, once and for all.

Not only am I a looker, but I have a daughter twice as beautiful as hers.

Ma, that's very sweet, but I still...

And then I thought, "Wait." Your sister Gloria is in California.

So it's you or nothing.

Please, Dorothy.

If we win this thing, I can die a happy woman.

Ma, I refuse to be a part of your neurotic need to be number one.

Now, just let it go.

How many challenges do I have left in life?

Seeing if I can get halfway across the street before the "Don't Walk" sign comes on.

Trying to stay awake on the john.

Hoping it is the john.

Competition is the thing that keeps me going.

But, if you want me to let it go.

All right.

All right, Ma, I'll do it.

You've made me a happy woman.

Now, if you want to go the extra mile, I hear one of the judges has a fetish...

Dorothy's gonna be in the mother-daughter beauty pageant with me.

Oh, really?

Listen, I know one of the judges.

Just keep telling the little bald guy he's been naughty.

(doorbell)

Hello, my name is David Patten.

I'm looking for a Mr.

George Devereaux.

Yeah, I'll get him.

Oh, he's dead.

My husband passed away a few years ago.

Oh, I see.

What did you want George for?

I'm selling encyclopedias and his name was at the top of my list of leads.

I hope I haven't bothered you.

And I'm truly sorry about your husband.

Oh, now, that is really odd.

I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?

You know what else is so strange about it?

He didn't bring them in.

Rose.

No encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door-to-door.

Are you kidding?

In St.

Olaf they carry 52.

Why?

Balance.

Rose, why don't they just carry 13 in each hand?

Excuse me.

I have to make a phone call.

Dorothy, Rose.

The oddest thing just happened to me at the market.

I saw that same young man who was here the other day, looking for George.

What was his name?

David something or other?

What's so odd about that?

He was shopping.

He wasn't shopping, Dorothy.

He was undressing me with his eyes.

That handsome young man is obviously smitten.

I don't know about that.

If he had a crush on you, why did he ask about George?

Because he's been in love from afar, and that was his way of approaching.

But he... he lost his nerve at the door.

Look, if you are right, I think you're taking this too lightly.

Sure, he may be infatuated with you, but he also might be some kind of nut.

Oh, I tell you, the boy's in love.

Rose, what do you think?

A sex-crazed psycho with a granny complex.

Sorry, Blanche.

I gotta call 'em as I see 'em.

Look, pussycat.

I've found matching dresses we could order for the evening-gown competition.

Ma, those are totally inappropriate.

Don't worry.

They come with matching panties.

For when we do the cartwheels.

Ma, forget it.

Oh, come on.

Mine are gonna say "Hello" and yours are gonna say "America." Ma, why can't we wear something simple in basic black?

It's a bad idea, Dorothy.

You wear black at Shady Pines and they'll stop the show for a head count.

I knew I never should have gotten involved in this mother-daughter pageant.

I just wish I'd known how to say no to it.

I know what you mean.

I should have said no to the Miss St. Olaf beauty pageant.

It was 1951.

That was the first year they let humans enter too.

I was way ahead after the evening-gown and log-rolling competition.

People don't realize how hard it is to roll log when you're wearing an evening gown.

And the shocker is I lost out on the intelligence quiz.

Quelle surprise!

Don't I know it.

They asked me to name the seven dwarves, and I did.

But evidently I didn't name the seven they had in mind.

Rose, hand me that newspaper.

No.

You're gonna hit me with it.

No, I won't.

You promise?

I promise.

Guess who was waiting in a car outside our house.

David.

David, that's who.

I tell you, that car was there three hours ago when I left.

Blanche, the man is obviously obsessed with you.

I think he's a little nutty.

Now, look.

I've been involved in these fatal attractions before.

I can handle this.

I'll just go out there and tell him.

Hi, Mrs. Devereaux.

Do you remember me?

I was here the other day.

David, I want you to come in and sit down.

We have to have a talk.

I am tired of you lurking around outside my house and tailing me at the supermarket.

Now, enough is enough.

You have an unhealthy, obsessive love for me.

Honey, you need professional help.

Mrs. Devereaux, I don't have those feelings for you.

Oh.

I have been following you around, and I'm sorry.

But I have something to tell you, and...

well, this is just so difficult for me.

Oh.

Whenever I have something hard to say, I just say it fast.

In high school, when I wanted to break up with Carl Dugan, the captain of the football team.

Well, I was very nervous.

So I just spat it right out.

"Carl, I'm dumping you for Coach Wilkins." Afterwards, I felt much better.

You just go ahead and tell me.

Go ahead.

OK.

George Devereaux, your husband, was my father.

Get out.

What?

Get out of my house.

I did not hear what you just said.

She didn't hear what he said and she was this upset.

Can you imagine if...

Shut up, Rose.

David, why would you say a thing like that?

My mother passed away recently, and I found out that for years she had received child-support checks from a trust fund in Miami.

Well, I was always told my dad d*ed before I was born.

Then I found my birth certificate.

And there, listed as my father, was George Devereaux.

Maybe there was another George Devereaux in Miami.

This was the address in my mom's old book.

Who also lived in this house.

Believe me, Mrs. Devereaux, if I'd known he was dead, I never would have left Dallas.

Well, now you know.

Goodbye.

I know this is painful, but there's so much I need to know.

What did he do for a living?

Was he funny?

Did he have any hobbies?

He had at least one.

You're the only one who can help me.

After you've had some time, maybe I could call you.

I'm sorry about all this.

Really.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, how could George betray me this way?

Dammit, those wedding vows were sacred to me.

Well, they must have been.

I turned down hundreds - thousands of offers.

Teachers, doctors, astronauts.

I even said no to a journalist famous for his work on 60 Minutes.

Now, if that's not fidelity, I don't know what is.

Then I find out that the only man I ever loved cheated on me.

On me!

Oh, I could just die.

I'll bet it was Morley Safer.

(Rose)

I thought you were in bed.

I couldn't sleep.

It must be from living with old people.

I've been going through my diaries.

Just listen to this.

"March 3, 1967.

George just back from Dallas.

"Surprised me with the most beautiful diamond earrings.

"I love him so much it takes my breath away.

"Ours is a love so pure, so complete, "it'll outlast time itself.

I'll have the earrings appraised next week." See?

That proves it.

Am I missing something?

Proves what?

Dallas.

Diamond earrings.

George was obviously feeling guilty about cheating on me with David's mother.

David was telling the truth.

This is tough.

I know how you feel.

I hate to say it, but Sal almost cheated on me once.

Ma.

Really?

I was pregnant with your brother Phil.

Just because I put on 40lbs and was crying all the time, your father got the wandering eye.

Did you ever find out who it was?

I never actually met her, but I heard she was a short, scrawny, birdlike thing who never shut up.

I guess variety is the spice of life.

My Charlie never cheated on me.

I think it was because the divorce laws were so stringent in St.

Olaf.

The wife gets to keep everything that doesn't ferment.

Well, thank you, Rose, for rubbing my nose in the fact that you had a faithful husband Why did George cheat on me?

Why does any man cheat?

Well, there are two popular theories.

One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.

What's the other theory?

Men are scum.

OK, girls.

I'm ready.

Well, Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs?

Doug Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs?

Just play the music, Rose.

(♪ "I Got You Babe")

♪ They say we're young and we don't know

♪ We won't find out until we grow

♪ I don't know if all that's true

♪ But you got me and, baby, I got you

♪ Babe ♪ I got you, babe ♪ I got you, babe

♪ They say our love won't pay the rent

(stops playing)

Rose, what's wrong?

There's another verse.

I'm sorry.

But this song always takes me back to St.

Olaf in the '60s.

And the controversial issue that nearly tore the town apart.

What, Rose?

Vietnam?

Civil rights?

Campus unrest?

Opposite-side-of-the-street parking.

Nobody could understand the concept.

It doesn't matter which side you park on, there's always an opposite side.

What an injustice.

Hemingway ran out of stories to tell and sh*t himself.

She just keeps on going.

Oh, for goodness' sakes.

Why, you two could be celebrity look-alikes.

Blanche.

You really think so?

Well, absolutely.

So, which one's Cheech and which one's Chong?

I'm Sonny Bono, you idiot.

Gee, I wonder how many maître d's have heard that line.

Blanche, there's something I need to tell you.

I've told a lie and now I have a guilty conscience.

Really?

You know, I've heard that could happen.

I lied to you when I said Charlie never cheated on me.

You know, he was this traveling salesman, and one very dark night he ran out of gas in front of this farmhouse.

He knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer said, "There's only one place you can sleep.

That's with my daughter." The ironic thing was, if it had been light out, Charlie would have realized that he was just two blocks away from home.

It was really embarrassing.

That story really got around.

I must have heard it a hundred times.

Everybody thought it was a big joke.

That must have hurt.

Yeah, it hurt a lot.

It made me angry.

I was so mad, I refused to make strudel for a year.

That's not so bad.

"Strudel" was our little pet name for sex.

Wow.

You were mad.

You bet.

But I decided one mistake shouldn't erase the memories of all the good times, or how much we loved each other.

Don't throw George's memory away just 'cause he made a mistake.

Come on, guys.

We're gonna be late.

I'll get the car.

I'll meet you in front.

(Blanche)

Oh!

You all look beautiful.

Why, thank you.

(doorbell rings)

Well, David!

What are you doing here?

I'm going back to Dallas tonight.

But before I leave, there's something I have to know.

Oh, come on in.

Y'all go on.

I'll meet you there.

What is it?

Did my father ever go fishing?

What?

When I was a kid, I fantasized about the kinds of things my father and I would have done together.

Going fishing was always my favorite.

Did he?

No.

Oh.

Look, I know my coming here hurt you.

But this wasn't any picnic for me, either.

I'm angry too.

I grew up not knowing anything about my father - who he was, what he was.

I wish you could just tell me something about my father.

Whether you like it or not, I am his son.

He served in Korea.

Really?

Army captain.

Decorated for bravery.

But not before he graduated top of his class at Vanderbilt.

That's pretty good.

Well, let's see.

There's so much to remember.

Um...

Well, he was charming, and quite an athlete.

Intellectual.

He could match wits with anybody in town.

Very handsome.

The ladies loved him.

Apparently so.

I really appreciate all this.

Would you like to see pictures of him?

Very much.

There he is.

I've got his eyes.

I know.

And, uh, here he is in uniform.

Wait.

Is that him?

On the boat?

Well, I'll be..

I guess he did go fishing after all!

Say, would you like to have this?

Really?

You ought to have it.

After all, you're his son.

Make way for the winners of the Shady Pines mother-daughter beauty contest!

Ta-da!

(Blanche)

Oh!

You won!

Actually, we're just the runners-up.

But if the reigning winners for any reason can't fulfill their duties...

And I'm telling you, the winning mother and daughter are 98 and 77.

If either one of them forgets to take a nitroglycerin even once...

Dorothy and I are gonna be cutting ribbons at Piggly Wiggly.

But the big news is we b*at Gladys Goldfine.

Right, Ma?

Ah, it was a hollow victory.

Time has taken its toll on Gladys.

She's not the fierce competitor she once was.

For the talent section she was supposed to do a medley from The Fantasticks.

She started with "Try To Remember," and she couldn't.

But more important than that, what about David?

What happened?

Well, I talked to him, and he's really a very nice young man.

I think I was taking my anger at George out on David.

You're gonna have to find a way to forgive George.

I will forgive him.

It'll just take a little time.

A little cheesecake wouldn't hurt, either.

You know, Ma, I hate to admit it - I had fun this afternoon.

I'm glad to hear that, pussycat, because the Shady Pines circus is coming up.

You're not afraid of fire, are you?

You son of a...

You put me through all this and I could have had Andy Rooney.