05x14 - Great Expectations

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Oh, Dorothy, by any chance, did you borrow my pearl-handled six-sh**t?

Blanche, you look ridiculous.

Well, I do not.

I'm a cowgirl.

Yippee-aye-oh K-Y.

Ki-yay.

Oh, well, whatever.

Have you seen my g*n?

No.

Damn!

Why wear this if I've got nothing to put in it?

I say the same thing every morning when I put on my bra.

Blanche, why are you dressed like that?

Because I am going to an authentic Texas-style barbecue, and my date is a real-life cowboy.

Morty Fishbein...

is a real-life cowboy?

He's from Amarillo, Texas.

He was the grand marshal of the B'nai B'rith rodeo for three years straight.

Who better to go with to a barbecue?

(phone rings)

Hello.

Morty.

Threw your back out putting your boots on?

You're in traction?

Oh, I guess this means you're gonna be a little late?

Oh, all right.

Well, can you believe that?

Because of one little slipped disc, Morty is not taking me to the barbecue.

What a shame.

You'll miss the foot-stomping version of "Sunrise, Sunset." You know, this kind of thing has been happening to me a lot lately.

I think it's because I'm going out with men who are too old for me.

In the last year my average date has been over 60, bald, covered in liver spots and wears a truss.

Sounds good to me.

I used to attract men who were young and active and virile, but now they just want to date girls in their 20s and 30s.

What's a great-looking gal in her 40s to do?

Perhaps we should find one and ask her.

Oh, come on, Blanche.

This is all your own fault.

I mean, take Steven.

You'd been dating him for six weeks.

The moment it looked like you were making a commitment, you dumped him.

It's like six weeks is your cutoff point.

It is not.

It is too.

You were getting along great, you liked each other, you had a wonderful time together.

I don't want to talk about it.

Besides, Steven didn't have all the qualities I look for in a man.

Hi, girls.

What a great day.

I feel so terrific.

It's like life is a giant weenie roast and I'm the biggest weenie.

No argument from this corner.

Rose, you're even more relentlessly cheerful than usual.

Thank you.

It's because I've joined this group.

They teach you positive thinking to bring health, success and love into your life.

There's a meeting tonight.

Wanna come?

Oh, Rose, come on.

Forget it.

This is just a fad.

This is for gullible people who believe in magic.

Dorothy, you're not very open-minded.

I am so.

Now shut up.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

You should listen to yourself sometime.

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

Why don't you come to the meeting?

Maybe you'll find something to make your life better.

Oh, all right.

Rose, if it'll make you happy, I'll go.

Rose, me too.

You won't regret it.

How about you, Sophia?

Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Terrific.

If I'm lucky, I may live to be seven.

Oh, girls.

You're just in time.

Where's Blanche?

She said to save her a seat.

She saw a man smiling at her out in the hall.

Everybody's smiling here.

I haven't seen so many goofy smiles since the great denture swap at Shady Pines.

Welcome to Create Your Own Miracles.

My name is Mary Ellen.

(all)

Hi, Mary Ellen.

You're special.

You're special too, and do you know why?

Because you're you, and there is nobody else like you in the whole world.

Do you understand that?

Only an idiot wouldn't understand that.

Mary Ellen, I'm completely lost.

Could you run that by me again?

After the lecture, Rose.

Just like last week.

Now, are there any newcomers here tonight?

Right over here.

Rose, no.

Oh, please, stand up and introduce yourself.

I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

I'm Melanie Griffith.

Hi, Dorothy.

Hi, Melanie.

(all)

You're special.

You're nuts.

Actually, we're not newcomers.

We're just observing.

You must have a fear of committing.

She had no problem committing me.

Look, joining a group, particularly a group like this, just isn't my thing.

I see.

So, your thing is sitting on the sidelines and playing the cynic, bursting a child's balloon so he'll learn about the harshness of life early, pointing out what's wrong with the world rather than what's right about it.

That sounds good.

Where can we sign up for that group?

Dorothy, you're a very negative person.

People are given these messages very early in life, usually by their parents.

In your case, my guess is the mother.

Guess again, oh, special one.

Is it my fault she got knocked up at 19, married a loser...

Look, to me, this is all a big show.

I am sure that under all these smiles, you people have to be aware that life can be pretty miserable sometimes.

Come on, Melanie.

I am sorry you feel that way, but at least be open enough to hear what we have to say.

Fine.

I think everybody really likes you, Dorothy.

(Mary Ellen)

Everyone is beautiful on the inside...

I cannot believe this.

I have a great guy like Steven just crazy about me, and I'm wasting my time here with these grinning idiots.

Let's go home.

We said we'd stay till after the meeting.

Just a word of caution - don't doze off.

I think that's when the pods take over your body.

Ma, I hate to admit it, but there may be something to Rose's positive-thinking course.

Last night I decided to write down all the negative thoughts that come into my head, and Ma, I cannot believe how many there are.

I mean, just listen to this, right here on page 187: "The faucet is dripping.

"I know it's gonna keep me up all night.

"Then I'll be tired for my crummy job tomorrow.

Life is a swirling eddy of despair." I mean, I can't believe that something as insignificant as a leaky faucet could bring all these bad thoughts about myself.

It's a very serious thing, Dorothy.

Ma, what can I do about it?

Try changing the washer.

Ma, I'm talking about my negative thinking.

I know what you're talking about.

Remember what your cousin Frederico used to say: "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full.

Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass." Ma, Cousin Frederico was a hopeless alcoholic who played boccie ball with an imaginary friend named Little Luigi.

Kind of puts that dripping faucet in perspective, doesn't it?

Hi.

Hi, Sophia.

Steven, nice to see you again.

Dorothy, it's nice to see you.

Do you mind if I get a drink?

I must have sweat off ten pounds today.

You played a lot of tennis?

Tennis, yeah.

Yeah, right.

Just help yourself to whatever's in the fridge.

It's nice that you two have worked out your differences.

I think the problem with him before was that he was on the rebound from Karen, but now that he's gotten over her, he's all mine, and I think we appreciate each other more.

Everything old and familiar has become new and exciting.

That's nice.

Maybe I should look up one of my old flames.

Yeah, but not Stan.

The other one.

I have some incredible news!

You've been traded to the Rams?

Do you know that nasty butcher down at the deli?

The little guy with four fingers?

That's him.

I don't know, but every time I order roast beef, he cheats me.

I don't know how he does it.

I stand and watch as he slices a big, juicy roast beef, but when I get home, I find these crummy, little, hard pieces, you know, from the end?

Anyway, today I went in with a positive attitude.

I told myself, "This man is my friend and I know he is going to give me a good cut of meat." Look.

It's a miracle!

Oh, great.

Pilgrims are gonna be showing up to kiss Dorothy's luncheon meat.

Ma, I know it doesn't mean much to you, but I acted positively and things are improving in my life.

I don't know, now I feel that I have the power to make anything happen.

Boy, is it beautiful out there today.

Thank you.

Dorothy, do you think I'm dressed OK for the dog races?

That depends.

Are you competing?

Sophia, nothing you can say is gonna bother me, and you know why?

'Cause when I'm with Steven, I don't know, I get goose bumps, I feel all tingly.

Oh, I understand what you're talking about.

I feel the same way when I hear the words, "And filling in for Doc, Tommy Newsom." (phone rings)

This is terrific!

Terrific!

Blanche took a positive step and positive things are happening in her life.

Maybe it'll work for me.

You know what I'll try to get?

A man who is open, caring, honest, who has eyes only for me.

Pussycat, you got your roast beef.

Don't push it.

That was the hospital.

Steven's had a heart att*ck.

You want me to drive you to the hospital?

No.

I'm not sure that it's a good idea for you to drive yourself.

I'm not sure that I'm gonna go.

What do you mean, you're not sure you're going?

Oh, I just have some other things I have to do.

If something bad happened to somebody I care about, I'd be over in a sh*t.

Well, I do care about him.

I just have some things I have to do.

Like what?

Look.

I'm trying to keep this relationship casual.

If I go to that hospital, I'm in and there's no getting out.

Don't be silly.

All you do is follow the orange line down the middle of the hallways.

They lead right to the elevators.

I mean, I don't think it's a good idea to hook up with a 60-year-old man with a bad heart.

What guarantee do I have we'll have any kind of future together?

Blanche, in life there are no guarantees.

There are choices.

Well, then, my choice is either to play it safe or to take a risk.

I wish I knew what to do.

All right, all right.

I can pick up a cue.

Picture it.

Sicily, 1912.

A beautiful, young peasant girl with clear, olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist.

There's an instant attraction.

They laugh, they sing.

They slam down a few boilermakers.

Shortly afterwards, he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his palette...

without using his hands.

But I digress.

He paints her portrait and they make passionate love.

She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge, scrubbing his fingerprints off her body.

She sees the portrait and is insulted.

It looks nothing like her.

And she storms out of his life forever.

That peasant girl was me...

and that painter was Pablo Picasso.

Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.

Be positive, Dorothy.

OK, I'm positive you're lying.

It doesn't make any difference, Dorothy.

I know what I have to do.

In this case, I'm gonna put me first.

Ooh, now, there's a radical shift in priorities.

Look, I just don't feel like making this kind of emotional investment.

Blanche...

You don't understand.

I lost one man I loved when George d*ed.

I just won't do it again.

Hi, Rose.

Hi, Dorothy.

How was your day?

Rose, I tried to be positive, but it was lousy.

Dorothy, in times like these, you have to hold onto your faith, just like Hans Gluckenflunken, St. Olaf's greatest explorer.

Rose, please, let me have a little recovery time before you start a St. Olaf story.

You see, Hans Gluckenflunken set out for Florida to find the Fountain of Intelligence.

Unfortunately, when he got to Duluth, he took a left instead of a right and he wound up back in St. Olaf.

That's how he got his nickname, Wrong Way Gluckenflunken.

Rose, how is this a story about faith?

Well, when he got back, it was the dead of winter.

Tired and hungry and...

but still clinging to his belief that he would find the Fountain of Intelligence, he saw the miracle water trickling out of the ground, and he fell to his knees and tasted it.

Unfortunately, it was a broken sewer main.

Two days later, he d*ed of cholera.

What is the point, Rose?

He was positive he had found the Fountain of Intelligence.

In fact, his dying words were, "I think I've learned something from this." Girls...

Am I interrupting?

I sincerely hope so.

I thought you had a date.

Oh, I cancelled.

He was just a nice man with a big boat who wanted to go to Bimini.

That sounds like hell.

I don't know, I'm just not ready to start up something with someone new.

I think it's because you miss Steven.

Uh-huh, a lot.

Why don't you go to the hospital?

Because when he got sick it scared the hell out of me.

And you did what you always do - you ran.

Blanche, it's time to stop running.

You really think so?

Absolutely.

You're right.

I will.

Oh, Dorothy, you always give me the best advice about men.

Who says wisdom comes from experience?

Oh, my God, what's happened?

Is he all right?

He'll be OK.

I just hate seeing him like this.

Oh.

Are you a relative?

I'm his wife.

His wife?

He told me his wife d*ed years ago.

Oh!

Oh, he did, did he?

You louse!

You crumb!

This is who you're cheating with now?

A woman in her 60s?

We're through.

You'll be hearing from my attorney.

He's all yours.

Enjoy.

You're not Steven!

(Steven)

I'm over here, Blanche.

Oh!

(laughs)

Sorry about that.

(heart monitor beeps)

Hi!

Hi, Blanche.

How are you?

Oh, never mind me.

How about you?

Coming along.

The doctor told me to keep my life nice and dull.

No more excitement for a while.

By the way, thanks for the flowers.

It was the least I could do.

I thought so too.

Oh, Steven, I'm sorry.

There's no excuse for my not being here, but the important thing is I'm back.

Blanche...

Wait, honey, let me finish.

I know how much we care for each other, I know how good we are for each other, and, let's face it, nobody has more fun with each other than we do.

You remember that night on the beach, when I pretended my hand was a big old sand crab crawling up your thigh?

We wrapped ourselves up in that blanket, and you about jumped out of your skin when I showed you that Savannah twister.

(laughing)

You remember that?

(heart monitor beeps faster)

Are you all right, Mr. Gordon?

Yes, I'm fine.

Sorry.

It won't happen again.

At least not until you're out of here.

Blanche...

Karen and I are back together.

Karen?

Well, I thought you said it was all over between you two.

I thought it was, but she came to the hospital as soon as she heard.

Oh.

So you're gonna let one little gesture of goodwill end our relationship?

Well, she was here when I needed someone the most.

And I realized how much we still mean to each other.

I'm very happy for you.

No, I'm not.

I'm mad at me.

Damn!

Ever since my husband d*ed I think, "If I don't leave, I'm gonna get left." It looks like either way, I end up alone.

I'm sorry.

Not half as sorry as I am.

Do I feel stupid.

You shouldn't.

You're a terrific lady.

I'm gonna miss you.

Don't you forget me, now.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll always have this printout to remember you by.

You want me to drive tonight, Dorothy?

Oh, Rose, listen.

I'm not going to the meeting tonight.

How come?

I'm not comfortable there.

I'm not comfortable with the people.

I'm not comfortable with the whole thing.

But you need the group's support, Dorothy.

It's not a good idea to go it alone.

Did I ever tell you about my cousin Vigdor Fricken?

He tried to go it alone in a three-legged race.

Well, you know what happened to him?

Please, Rose.

I don't want to hear about your frickin' cousin.

Well, fine.

Then if you're not gonna go, I'm gonna stay home too.

How come?

I've seen you at those meetings, Dorothy.

You tried to change, but you couldn't.

If I keep going there, I'm gonna drive you crazy.

Well, Rose, I don't want you to stop doing something you believe in.

I've gotten all I'm gonna get out of it.

Besides, I'd rather be part of this group than that one.

I hate to say this, but Rose, you're special.

Thank you, Dorothy.

I could never get them to say that to me at those meetings.

Oh, Blanche, is everything all right?

Steven's back with his old girlfriend.

Oh.

Are you OK?

Oh, yeah.

I'm fine.

I guess I learned a little bit about missed opportunities and how sometimes you have to take chances.

But all is not lost.

I met a new man in the next bed.

He's recently broken up with his wife, and the good news is he has the heart of a 25-year-old.

Hey, that's great.

Yeah.

As long as his body doesn't reject it.