05x03 - The Accurate Conception

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Morning.

Oh, you've already got breakfast ready.

Becky and I were up till all hours talking.

You know, my daughter and I haven't had a talk like that since...

...ever.

It must've been fun.

Oh, yeah.

We did each other's hair and laughed and laughed.

I can see why.

Ma, why are you still here?

You were supposed to have your checkup with Dr. Siegel this morning.

Oh, you didn't hear about Dr. Siegel.

Hear what?

I'm not going.

Ma, you are impossible.

Now, this is the third appointment you've missed.

At my age, checkups can be dangerous to your health.

You know Sam down the block, the one who thinks he's hiding his stomach by wearing Hawaiian shirts?

Yeah, Sam is fine.

His brother went for a checkup seven years ago.

The doctor said he was great.

Three days after the exam, he was dead.

Ma, he owed money to a guy named Face and got thrown off a pier.

That was one of the causes.

I'm not going.

You're going.

Rose, could you give me a hand?

Oh, sure.

If you will excuse me, Becky and I are having breakfast on the lanai.

We're still bonding.

Dorothy, how come we never bond?

We're from before bonding and quality time.

We're from when people stayed together because they had no choice.

Ma, would I be insisting on this checkup if I didn't care about you?

Why can't we just do each other's hair like Blanche and her daughter?

Oh, look, Ma.

I know you're scared.

I'll go with you.

Look, when I was little, didn't you make me go and get all my sh*ts?

I had to lie to you and tell you we were going on the pony rides, and you fell for it time after time.

Just like Pavlov's dog, only dumber.

OK, OK, Ma, if you don't wanna go to the doctor, you don't have to go to the doctor.

All right?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't we spend tomorrow afternoon together?

We'll work on our bonding.

I'll take you to Wolfie's for an egg cream.

A chocolate egg cream?

You betcha.

Oh, boy!

A chocolate egg cream!

Forget it, Dorothy.

I smell a pony ride.

Oh, you know, I think this is the best visit we've ever had.

I think it's because you've realized I'm a grown woman.

Well, I never thought the day would come, but we are finally the same age.

Why don't you stay longer?

Oh, Mama.

I can't stay because...

We're telling each other everything, right?

Everything.

No more secrets.

Oh, good.

Mama...

Mm-hmm?

I'm getting impregnated on Monday.

I've decided the best thing for me is to go to a sperm bank and get artificially inseminated.

Why would you do something like this?

Just to hurt me?

Mama, try to understand.

I can't pass a carriage without looking in.

I heard my biological clock ticking so loudly, it was keeping me up at night.

A baby should be doing that.

Well, why don't you wait till you get married?

I don't wanna get married.

Well, then at least wait until I'm dead.

You really mean that?

Yes, I do.

And wait until all my friends are dead, too.

The last thing I need is whispering at my funeral.

I can't believe you're reacting like this.

We got so close this past week, I thought I could tell you anything.

Anything but this.

Well, Mama, I'm gonna do this whether you like it or not.

Oh.

Oh, I see, missy.

So, this is the thanks I get for all those cold nights when you were a baby crying and I'd have to get up out of bed and grope around in the dark for my slippers and robe, make my way all the way downstairs and scream for the governess?

Hungry or suicidal?

It's not easy being the mother of a child with her own free will.

I knew I felt the refrigerator open.

What's wrong?

You've been upset all day.

It's Rebecca.

I just don't understand.

Why didn't somebody tell me it was dinnertime?

Ma, it's not dinner, it's the middle of the night.

Good, then I'm dressed for it.

Blanche is upset.

Well, you would be too, if your daughter...

Oh, I can't even say it.

What could have happened?

The two of you were getting so close.

My little girl is gonna have a baby by artificial insemination.

I just can't bear to think about it.

I'm just being silly, aren't I?

For God's sake, somebody say something!

Eww.

Big help.

Dorothy, what about you?

You're always the sensible one around here, the free, modern thinker who keeps up with the times.

Now, what do you think?

Eww.

No wonder I'm up in the middle of the night working my way through the cheese keeper.

Thank God I don't have the thighs of a normal woman.

I tried to talk her out of it.

She says she has thought it through and there is no changing her mind.

Well, it might not be so bad.

In fact, just last week I was reading that you can buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners.

Or was it Star Search winners?

Buy?

Well, sperm used to be free.

It was all over the place.

On the farm a lot of the animals got artificially inseminated.

Once Harry the bull went through a whole spring unaroused and the cows and my father were out of their minds with grief.

I mean, you haven't seen anything till you've seen a frustrated cow.

They can get this crazed look in their eye and you know they're thinking, "Where's mine?" "Where's mine?" Cows have feelings, too.

Anyway, when Harry really got lazy Dad had to bring in Mr. Hoffenheisen to spread the seed.

He did it in the most unusual way.

He'd put on this really long rubber glove.

Rose, that's a terrific story and surprisingly on-subject but I don't think that Blanche wants to hear about uncontented cows right now.

It's not that I mind becoming a young grandmother again.

Nobody believes it anyway.

Please.

It's just that it seems so unnatural.

No daddy for the baby.

And no fun trying.

I'm gonna have to agree with Blanche on this one.

Half the fun is in getting there.

And boy, did your father and I have fun trying for you.

Ma, I don't think I wanna hear this.

I wasn't gonna tell you until you're , but I think you can handle it now.

We lived in New York at the time and there was the San Genarro festival every year.

And your father, may he rest in peace until I get there, got so turned on by the festivities one year he couldn't wait till we got home.

Oh, Ma...

So he took me right there behind the sausage and pepper stand.

Hey, we were behind the garbage cans.

It's not like we were in front of everybody.

I can relate to the festivities part, Sophia.

All our children were conceived on special St. Olaf holidays.

Adam was conceived on the Day of the Princess Pig when they had the pig crowning, and Jeanella was conceived on Hay Day.

That's the day we St. Olafians celebrate hay.

Rose, do you think you could wrap this up before Rebecca goes into labor?

Then there was the Day of the Wheat when everybody came to town dressed as sandwiches.

Charlie and I forgot to put cheese between us and before I knew it, there was Kirsten.

Look, Blanche, what Rebecca is doing is really not so terrible.

I mean, look, among the four of us, each of us conceived our children in a different way.

I was totally unconscious.

When I came to, there was Stan, carving a notch in his dashboard.

I never bought that unconscious story.

I swear.

He must've slipped me something.

Apparently.

But at least what we all did was natural.

Well, not all the time.

There's some other stuff, but I probably shouldn't tell you till you're .

Hi.

Oh, hi, Becky.

Have you seen my mother?

She mentioned something about having a headache.

I think she's in her room.

Hanging herself.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Oh, how are you feeling?

Oh, much better.

Say, how about going out to dinner?

Have some fun.

Mama, can we talk for a minute?

I'll make the reservations.

Where would you like to eat?

I want you to be part of the process.

Oh, Becky.

Honey, I think you are headed for trouble, going off by yourself like this.

No man is gonna want to marry you with a baby.

Blanche, there are a lot of people who are single parents and they're doing just fine.

Yeah, look at me.

The right man could be just around the corner.

And he may not be.

I may turn around a dozen corners and not find anyone.

So, instead of trying, you're just gonna give up and do this crazy baby thing?

"Crazy baby thing"?

What I am doing, Mother, is taking control of my life and having the family I need.

Well, I would certainly never have a baby artificially and I do not approve of you doing it either!

Well, if that's the way you want it, Mama, then you're gonna lose me and your grandchild.

Ah, there you are.

Ma, I scheduled the appointment for your checkup.

Ma, you know you have to have a physical.

What do you want me to do?

Take you to court?

Have you declared incompetent?

I'm not incompetent.

Once when I laughed too hard, I had a little accident.

Can I fix you some breakfast, honey?

No, thanks.

Oh, I just feel terrible.

If I'm gonna spend the night tossing and turning at least I wanna wake up smelling like aftershave.

Morning.

Good morning, Rebecca.

I got up early and did some research.

There's a sperm bank not far from here.

How convenient.

No kidding.

Do they have a drive-up window?

I thought, Mama, that we could go down there and once you see these places are legitimate, you won't be so upset.

I don't want to go to a place like that.

It's too embarrassing.

What if one of the neighbors saw me going in?

What would they think?

That you're picking something up for a much younger person.

Mama, please.

It's really important to me.

Blanche, would it help if I were to go with you?

Well...

I'll come too.

I'll bring my camera.

It's never too soon to start a baby book.

Oh, boy, we're going to a sperm bank.

I can't think of a better way to pep up a slow day.

Ma, you're not going.

Why not?

I don't think you should be doing anything as strenuous as going to a sperm bank until you've had that checkup.

Too bad.

All right, I'll go to the doctor, but this better be a great sperm bank.

So, I guess we're going?

Oh, I guess.

What does one wear to a sperm bank?

Something attractive in rubber.

I have that.

Did you see the way those people on the elevator looked at us when you pushed " "?

I'm so embarrassed.

Mama, they didn't look at us at all.

They didn't want to make eye contact with anybody going to the fifth floor - the sperm floor.

I think you're overreacting.

Perverts looked at us like we were perverts.

I know that look.

I thought it'd be more bank-like.

What did you expect, Rose?

I hardly think they have a Christmas club.

Hi.

I'm Rebecca Devereaux.

We have an appointment with Dr. Manning.

Right.

He'll be with you in just a few minutes.

Why don't you have a seat and I'll call you when he's ready.

I'm not here for me.

It's for a friend.

How did things go at the doctor's, Sophia?

He said I have the body of a -year-old.

A dead -year-old.

The doctor's gonna be a little while.

I guess we oughta sit down.

I suppose it's safe.

Mama, you're acting silly.

Sperm can't live outside the human body.

Does your mother know you're doing this for a living?

You know, I'm not so sure sperm can't live outside the body.

Back during World w*r II, my best friend Claire Osterhaus's husband was in the army and stationed in France.

Well, five months after he left St. Olaf, she got pregnant.

A lot of people thought she was fooling around, but she told me that sperm must have swum from Normandy.

Across the Atlantic, up the St. Lawrence Seaway, into the Great Lakes and then over to Minnesota.

And what did you think, Rose?

Well, I know those little guys are supposed to be good swimmers...

but I think it had to come over by mail.

I bet this is more fun than giving blood.

I've waited long enough.

That doctor has wasted enough of my time.

Come on.

Miss Devereaux, the doctor will see you now.

Through that door, end of the hall.

Come on, Mama.

Eyes straight, ladies.

Ma, no opening doors.

And that's pretty much the procedure.

Rebecca will be taken care of by her own doctor after selecting a donor from thousands of acceptable possibilities.

Any questions?

Plenty.

Can just anybody walk in off the street and make my daughter pregnant?

We screen the applicants very carefully.

We know everything about them.

We know their body type, their IQ, their eye color...

Any more questions?

Yes, just one.

What in hell are we doing here?

I feel like I'm in the middle of some awful dream, yet I know it can't be a dream 'cause there are no boy dancers.

Mother!

I just cannot believe you are actually gonna give money to someone like this...

sperm pusher.

You are a Devereaux.

A Devereaux has never had to pay for it.

I certainly haven't.

She's always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Fine.

Fine.

Make jokes.

I'd just like to know how you-all would feel if you thought you were gonna have a test tube for a son-in-law.

Sorry, Doctor.

I thought my mother was open enough to understand.

Thank you for your time.

Ladies.

Just outta curiosity, you don't have any Tony Bennett socked away, do you?

Blanche, your daughter is about to leave for the airport.

What the hell are you doing out here?

Well, there's still some sun.

I thought I might get a little color.

Blanche, this has to be absolutely the dumbest thing you could possibly do.

Dorothy's right.

The sun's rays can be dangerous now there's a hole in the ozone layer.

If you-all are out here to try to get me to patch things up with Rebecca, you can forget it.

Blanche, there comes a time when you have to let your daughter make her own decisions.

I remember, Dorothy, when you were deciding what you wanted to be.

Ah, yeah.

I wanted to go to college and be a schoolteacher.

Pop wanted me to be a cosmetician in a funeral parlor.

He always liked looking at dead people.

Dead people and the Dodgers.

That was it for him in the good-time department.

Sometimes, just to make him happy, I used to lie in bed with a baseball hat on.

Blanche, the point is, she let me make my own choices.

Now, this argument that you're having with Rebecca is not about artificial insemination.

Like hell it isn't.

Well, part of it is, but the bigger part, Blanche, is about control.

You refuse to see your daughter as an adult with the right to make her own decisions.

Honey, you're gonna have to learn to let go.

Yes, and the more you try to make her see things the way you see things, the more she'll resist, and then you run the risk of never seeing her again.

And never seeing your grandchild.

Never.

Think about it, Blanche.

Oh, damn, I don't want that to happen.

Then I suggest you apologize.

I know Rebecca is a grown woman, but to me she's still just a little girl.

How do you say "I'm sorry" to your own child?

Especially after all those years of sending them to their room until they were ready to apologize to you.

Now all of a sudden everything's just all topsy-turvy.

I don't know if I can do it.

Maybe it'd help if I sent you to your room.

(Blanche) Oh.

Rebecca.

Uh, honey...

Oh...

I'm...

(clears throat) I'm...

I...

Oh, come on, Blanche.

Say it.

"I'm sorry." There.

What she just said.

Oh, there.

I knew you could do it.

Oh, I've just been so dumb about this whole thing.

I should've respected what you wanted to do.

You really mean that?

Yes, I do.

Let me drive you to the airport and we'll think up baby names on the way.

Great.

I'll go get rid of the cab.

Oh...

Blanche, Blanche, you did the right thing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You girls were right.

And, hey, listen.

If my daughter wants to get herself artificially inseminated, I guess that's not so bad.

Eww.