04x14 - A Very English Scandal

[bunniefuu]

Alright, Viv, I'm ready to wrap this up.

How far have we gone?

[ Cellphone beeps ]

0.8 miles.

What?

But we have been walking for an hour!

It's been 11 minutes.

Ugh. Exercise messes with my internal clock.

You're on your own.

Oh, come on!

Ugh.

I'm tired of always being on my own.

[ Sighs ] But you have Violet.

She's 2.

Her legs are dimply like yours, but she does not have your wit.

I like the wit part, so I'm overlooking the rest.

You know, I am a strong, independent woman who's totally capable of raising a kid alone.

I'm just...

I just miss having someone to share my life with.

But I don't want another self-absorbed Westport banking guy.

I want a good guy.

You need to find someone like Greg. Ugh.

In fact, if he doesn't stop snoring, you can have my Greg.

I would love a Greg.

I just don't know how to spot one.

That is why I need you to come out with me and be my wingwoman.

I don't have that kind of time.

I'm raising kids. I run a business.

I just thought because you were the one that convinced me to reject my ex and stand on my own two feet that you might want to help.

I could see why you'd think that, but I do not. [ Car approaches ]

[ Car horn honks ]

Called a Lyft.

You can either keep your face or your ass, Viv.

I choose my face.

♪♪ Hey, Mom. How was your walk?

Stupid.

Walking is stupid, son. Remember that.

You need a hand?

I could skip school and make lasagna with you.

You're being helpful.

I demand an explanation.

I'm just...nervous about going to school today.

Why?

A kid from school came out to me on Teen Help Line.

But I think he was worried I was gonna out him, so he posted on Instagram that I was gay, and the whole school saw it.

Are you sure this isn't just an elaborate story you're making up to tell me something about yourself?

I'm not gay. Fine.

So, why don't you just tell everyone at school that it's just a lie?

If I do, I'll just be confirming all of this guy's worst fears, that being gay is something to be ashamed of.

I have to lead by example and show him that people thinking I'm gay is not a big deal.

So, you'll be gay for him, but not your own mother?

That is some takeaway.

♪♪ Viv: Oh, hey, Katie!

Gotta stay in shape if I'm gonna find a guy by myself!

I used to be able to count on you to be the worst one in the family.

But now you're running around helping people.

Seriously, Oliver, look at what you're making me do.

Viv, I'm in!

We'll find you a Greg!

Whoo! I love it!

I'm here for you, girl! [ Chuckles ]

This is who I am now. Hope you're happy.

♪♪ Ta!

Katie, good news.

My brother's flying in from England.

He's lecturing at Yale.

[ Gasps ] Let's set him up with Viv!

What? She's lonely, he's lonely.

She said she wanted a Greg. He's a Greg.

Katie, relationships aren't just math.

They move in ways beyond arbitrary connection --

You're stalling.

I don't want him to be with Viv.

I want him to be with me. He's mine!

Look, if I had a sister from my father's secret second family, I would pimp her out to your annoying friend.

There's no way to prove that.

That's why I feel confident throwing it out there.

My brother's going to stay with us for a few days.

I'm really excited to do all the typical brother stuff we missed out on -- antiquing, reciting soliloquies --

C'mon! Viv wants all my attention.

She's up my butt about this.

And she's really skinny right now.

She might accidentally slip up there.

I'm not setting up my brother with Viv, and I don't want to hear another word about it.

Great.

Now I'm frustrated, and I'll probably brush my teeth too aggressively.

If my gumline recedes, it's on you.

♪♪

[ Students whispering indistinctly ]

Young man: It's him.

Young woman: There he is.

They're walking together.

[ Whispering continues ]

People are staring.

It's either because they think you're gay, or I look stunning in paisley.

Having not done it many times before, doing the right thing is an incredible hassle.

Hello, Oliver. Oliver's boyfriend.

Oh, I'm not his --

None of my business. [ Chuckles ]

I heard your news.

You know that conversation we had the other day?

I want to clarify a few things.

♪♪ Principal Ablin, would you throw my name in the hat for Distinguished Pupil?

It'd look good on my college application.

You're Katie Otto's son.

Yes.

Then no.

I do not care for the people you associate with.

When I said "the people you associate with,"

I certainly hope that it was clear that I meant your mother, not other gay people.

I hadn't given it much thought.

Until now.

Now it's all I can think about.

Oh. [ Clears throat ]

Maybe being named Distinguished Pupil will take it off your mind, huh?

Does that come with a letter of recommendation perhaps?

It does.

I'll write one up tout de suite.

[ Scoffs ] You see that?

He's falling all over himself to keep me happy.

Huh. Turns out being gay is the same as being rich.

♪♪ What are you doing with your stuffed animals?

[ Sighs ] I was just at Penny's house.

She re-did her room.

All of her little kid stuff is gone.

She made The Jump, and all my friends have, too.

So, if I ever want to have anyone over, it's time I get rid of all this.

I get that.

I don't know if I can get rid of my ponies.

Especially Glittermane.

She was brought to life by a dark wizard.

It's not gonna be a clean k*ll.

When I was making The Jump, the one thing I couldn't get rid of was my Barbies.

Couldn't let 'em go.

So, what'd you do?

I went cold turkey.

I threw them in the trash and watched as the garbage truck took them away forever.

Then I guess that's what I'll do, too.

After feeding them and bathing them and taking in one last glorious sunset.

Don't judge my process.

♪♪ Otto bros in the house!

Katie! Greg!

It's so nice to see you again.

I've got Greg's office all set up for you.

Oh, do you have an adapter?

I need to plug in my rainforest noise machine.

Greg always travels with a rainforest noise machine.

Even though we were brought up on different continents, we have so much in common.

We're both academics.

We both like crustless sandwiches.

w*r reenactments. A cappella groups.

♪ Yes, we ♪

[ Harmonizing ] ♪ Do-ah ♪

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

On the way here, Greg wanted to try a real American donut, so we stopped off at the -- [ Shudders ]

It's too cold in my office for him.

I'm sure he's fine. No.

See, we have this cosmic connection where I can tell what he's feeling.

Okay, I'm just gonna head this off now.

You're not twins. You don't even have the same mother.

You're just two dorks who share the same horny dad.

Pip pip, Ottos! Viv is here!

[ Door closes ] Did you tell her about my brother?

What? No.

People say "Pip pip."

Hello. [ Gasps ] Oh!

I'm Greg's brother Greg.

I'm Viv.

I heard you were coming and I wanted to make you feel at home, so I made you some crumpets.

Crumpets? [ Giggles ]

You are so thoughtful.

Greg, who is this angel?

Come, sit, tell me everything about yourself.

Uh, were you a C-section? Were you a breach?

I want to know every detail, right from the start.

This Greg is so much better than yours.

I told her not to be her everyday awful self, and he's totally buying it.

I specifically told you not to set up my brother with Viv.

Yes, but when are you going to stop asking me not to do things that you know that I'm going to do anyway?

It puts me in a very uncomfortable position.

This is your fault.

Viv's eating up my time with my brother.

They were out late last night.

They got back early this morning.

At this rate, we're never gonna get to play chess.

I'll play chess with you.

Yeah, okay.

Mm.

Hello, all.

Ah.

Viv and I had the most magical morning strolling through the park, talking about our lives, our dreams.

Did you know she wants to move into a cottage?

A cottage seems a little small for a woman with... a child.

Violet? I love that Viv has a kid.

It's like having a starter kit.

Starter kit for what?

What are you starting?

A family, I guess.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I feel like I'm in the middle of a romantic comedy, where you meet someone, and 90 minutes later, you're running through the airport as Liam Neeson cheers you on.

[ Chuckles ] It's "Love, Actually."

It's infatuation, at best.

I hope you don't mind, but I made Viv my plus-one to the lecture.

I mean, you were just coming to be nice, but Viv is genuinely interested in the lasting impact that the Norman Conquest had on the Flemish people.

She never shuts up about it.

So, I'm not going to the lecture?

I knew you'd understand.

Thanks, mate.

We need to put a stop to this.

Oh, honey. You know I never put your needs before mine.

♪♪ Goodbye, old friends.

How do you feel?

Older.

I think I might even start writing with pencils that don't smell like fruit.

Hmm.

♪♪ So, it's day dos.

What's life like out of the closet?

A few whispers.

My ex-girlfriend walked up to me and said, "That makes sense."

Didn't care for that.

But overall, pretty good.

Hello, boys.

Don't mean to interrupt your date, but, uh, I have a letter of recommendation.

One page?

This seems more like a "note" of recommendation.

Oh, this? [ Chuckles ]

This is just a rough draft.

I'm going to flesh it out, obviously.

Obviously.

And print it on 28-pound cream-linen paper.

Thanks, sport.

Hey, watch this.

Hey, Oliver!

My eyes are up here, not down here!

[ Chuckles ] Dude, don't be like that.

So not cool.

Yeah, what he did took real guts.

Besides, what does that have to do with you?

I...

♪♪ Greg's brother is really into Viv.

He's talking about delaying his flight back to England so he can spend more time with her.

What does your Greg have to say about that?

He's mad.

But he's not looking at the big picture.

Viv is off my hands.

No more walks, no more guilt --

I think it's you who's not seeing the big picture.

Yeah, she's right.

If they get serious, Viv could be your sister-in-law.

[ Gasps ]

Don't you ever say that.

Well, what did you think would happen when you set Viv up with your brother-in-law?

Well, I never think two moves in advance!

That's why I'm bad at Connect Four!

Sister-in-laws suck.

All the e-mails, who's making what for Thanksgiving, Christmas spending limits?

Ugh! And you just know she's gonna want to take that family jumping picture on the beach. Mm-hmm.

Ugh, where we're all barefoot in jeans, wearing white linen shirts.

I mean, don't worry, though.

I really only saw my sister-in-law a few times a year.

It's not like she lived in Westport.

Hmm. That-- That's a good point, Angela.

Mm-hmm. You know, Katie, hey, uh, remind us -- where does Viv live again?

Across the street.

[ Both laugh ]

This is your house. This is her house.

[ Laughs ]

They're so close! [ Laughs ]

Okay. Alright.

♪♪ Greg?!

[ Door slams ]

What? We have to break them up.

What is it going to take for you to make me listen to you?

Are you trying to make it my fault that you constantly ignore me?

Sorry! I'm very flustered right now!

And I'm hot!

Viv and Greg are walking up.

Time to destroy their love.

[ Both laugh ]

Hey! Come sit. We're gonna have some lunch.

Oh! Didn't you tell them?

Oh, sh**t.

Viv made plans for us.

I meant to text, but it's been pretty hard to focus lately.

Mm. A-At least we've worked out our couple name.

Right, Griv?

Ooh! [ Laughs ]

I want to show him my favorite place in town.

The waxer?

No, silly!

The cannons on Compo Beach.

It's where the British invaded and the Americans held them off.

Except this American's gonna let you right in.

Ooh! [ Chuckles ]

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

Viv, before you go, why don't you and I take a power walk?

Now? Right now.

[ Gasps ]

You finally caught the exercise bug?

I've been working on you for years!

Ohh!

Huh.

I wonder if you'll still have that big, beautiful head when you have that little, tiny body.

Okay.

I'll miss you.

The elements be kind to thee and make thy spirits all of comfort -- fare thee well.

Fare thee weller.

Not a proper comparative adverb form.

[ Sighs ]

Well, this gives me a chance to pack.

But I thought you changed your flight.

I did. I'm moving in to Viv's.

How did I not feel this coming?

♪♪ You can't go to Viv's.

Why ever not?

Listen, Greg, Viv is just looking for a sugar daddy.

What are you talking about? She has a huge house.

It's not hers. She's broke.

She's only with you for your money.

Really? Really.

Oh, wow.

It's no wonder things are moving so quickly.

And why she seems so into the Norman Conquest.

Nobody cares about it that much, British Greg.

I do.

I wasted so much time with her when I should have been hanging out with you.

Hey...

I just got so caught up in everything.

It sounds so silly now, but I think that was the first time I'd ever been in love.

Really?

I suppose life doesn't work like a romantic comedy

'cause it lasts a lot longer than an hour and a half and, it seems, has no happy ending.

Turns out I'm not Prime Minister Hugh Grant.

I'm just department store Mr. Bean.

Maybe a game of chess will cheer you up.

[ Sighs ]

I'll get started. You'll get into it.

♪♪ Ugh.

Viv, you're moving too fast.

I know it seems like it, but things just feel so right with Greg.

No, I'm talking about us. Walking.

Oh.

But also about British Greg.

You don't even know him.

I know all I need to know.

And his name is Greg Otto.

[ Gasps ]

Oh my God! Katie. Mm-hmm?

We could both be Mrs. Greg Ottos.

[ Gasps ] We could do one of those awesome family photos where we all wear matching outfits on the beach.

British Greg is only looking to marry someone so that he can get his green card, and then he's going to dump them after.

What?

Greg told me.

This is why you wanted to walk with me?

To tell me? It's not because you like walks?

Yes.

Wow.

Two betrayals at once.

It just felt so real with Greg.

How could it have been real?

You weren't even acting like yourself.

Well, that's the thing -- with him, I was being myself.

My old self.

The person I was before I came to this town and got so caught up in the culture of

"Who are you wearing?" "Who makes that bag?"

"Why are you friends with Katie?"

I'm so sorry.

If it helps, I didn't call a car to come pick me up.

You probably should.

I think I need to be alone right now. Oh.

Come on. Let's walk.

We'll talk!

Okay, well, I'm obviously not doing that.

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicks ] How do I look?

Like the school's newest Distinguished Pupil.

Being gay has really worked out well for you.

And me. What do you mean?

I can't even count the number of girls telling me how sensitive and evolved I am for having a gay best friend.

You're like walking a really cute dog.

You're so bad.

I think I can say stuff like that now.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, you guys need to see what Will just posted.

Hi, everyone!

I need to tell you something.

First, I owe Oliver Otto an apology for that post I made up about him.

Oliver, you're a good guy who went out of his way to show me I could live a happy life as my honest self.

Oliver's not gay.

I am.

Oh.

Look at that. He just came out.

And you just got in'd.

That's too bad.

You were so interesting for a while.

♪♪ Ugh. Where is your brother?

I have to talk to him.

The plan worked.

He's on his way to the train station so he can catch his original flight.

He was pretty upset, but it was the right thing to do.

It was the wrong thing to do.

What Viv and Greg had was real, and we ruined it.

Are you sure?

Wait.

You're right.

My brother's heart is broken. I can feel it.

Call him.

This is Greg. Straight to voicemail.

Alright. We're going to the train station.

What about Viv?

We have to find her.

We were running, and I lost her.

Okay, she was running, and I walked home.

I called an Uber, but I met it at the corner.

Alright, it met me at my exact location.

You broke me. You happy now?

♪♪ I hear the garbage truck.

This is really the end of --

What the hell is that?!

Oh, it's my last Barbie.

The only one who survived that day.

I watched from the window as the truck slowly crushed my dolls.

I can still hear their screams --

"You're k*lling me!"

"Why is this happening?"

"I had a house in Malibu!"

You made it sound like it was no big deal.

Turns out it was actually super traumatizing.

I ran downstairs as the truck drove away, and I found her by the curb next to the trash bin.

She must have jumped out at the last minute.

[ Chuckles ]

It's a good thing I dressed her in her high-tops.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Let's go get those ponies!

♪♪ Viv, let's go get your man.

In that car?

Shut up and get in.

[ Tires screech ]

You can't park here!

We have to! She's in love!

Oh! I didn't realize!

Announcer: Train 638 to Grand Central Station now arriving at Platform Two.

Oh, no. I don't see him! [ Groans ]

Greg, do you feel him?

I'm kidding. That whole thing is stupid.

♪♪

♪♪ You can't steal my childhood!

Do you live here? Yeah.

Tell your parents to start tipping at the holidays.

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Oh! There he is!

Greg! Greg!

Katie. Greg?!

What's going on?

You're not going anywhere.

Viv, Greg told me -- I was lying.

They can't be trusted.

Please stay.

[ Sighs ]

I would love to.

[ Squeals ]

♪♪ They seem genuinely happy together.

Even if it's not what's best for us, we did the right thing.

♪♪ Don't tell Viv, but I got the better Greg.

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Come play with me and Violet.

I'm watching her while Viv and Uncle Greg are with Mom and Dad.

Are those my ponies?

Violet found the box.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Hi, Violet.

You like these ponies?

They need a good home.

You can take them with you, if you'd like.

I want you to meet Sergeant Sparkles.

He's my favorite.

If you ever get scared or just need a friend...

I promise he'll always watch over you.

Because his eyes never close.

I'm really proud of you.

You just made The Jump.

I did. [ Chuckles ]

You should give her your Barbie.

Uh...

No.

♪♪ Well, well, well.

Look who's no longer a member of a protected class.

[ Chuckles ]

Obviously, Distinguished Pupil is out of the question.

Here's the recommendation I missed "NCIS" to write.

[ Spits ]

Here's the real one.

"Detention."

See you then, sport.

♪♪