07x10 - Three for the Road

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Enjoy your Buzzed Lightyear.

Wow. Is nothing sacred?

I'm here to give you
something no drug dealer

has ever had to deal with: taxes.

Not a drug dealer, but
let's not let the facts

get in the way of a good insult.

Listen, you got to give me
your quarterly tax returns,

all right? Somewhere, Scarface
is rolling over in his grave.

(Cuban accent): "Say hello
to my little Schedule C."

Wow. That is a really good Pacino.

Hey, why don't you show
me what he would be like

leaving a pot store?

(Normal voice): Look at you,

giving one as good as you got one.

Well, kind of... you're
not very good at this.

Uh, anything else, Mike?

Well, actually, there is
something very important.

I wanted to get my wife a
gift that says I love her,

something very special.

I'm thinking roach clip.

- Roach clip?
- Yeah.

Might want to, uh, try the museum.

Actually, I was hoping I could get you

to let me have Boyd for the weekend.

Oh, I was thinking of
doing something with Boyd

- for the weekend.
- Oh, come on.

I think he needs a little grandpa time.

I want to take him fishing.

Okay. Yeah. He loves fishing.

But only because I
have yet to convince him

that fish feel pain.

Hey, if you don't want to get caught,

you shouldn't live in a river.

That's... (Laughs)

Yeah. Boy, this is clever.

"Yes We Can-nabis."

I-I got to get out of this joint.

- Hey, Dad. Got a minute?
- Not right now.

I'm picking out waders for
my fishing trip with Boyd.

Now, watch this. I think
these are slimming, right?

But I think these bring out my eyes.

Hmm. Uh, that one.

I think Rihanna wore those
to Kennedy Center Honors.

That's where I saw them.

Uh, and about that fishing
trip, Ryan had plans

- with Boyd this weekend.
- No, I talked to him.

He said he was "thinking
about doing something."

And for a liberal,

when they say they're
thinking about doing something,

- that's usually the end of it.
- Hmm.

Yeah, no, he has the
whole thing planned,

and he's been looking
forward to it for weeks.

Well, why didn't he just say that?

I know this may sound crazy to you, Dad,

but maybe he's just being a nice guy.

Really? So, him not
letting me be a nice guy

is him being a nice guy?

That's like Obama logic.

Well, I'm giving you the chance
to be a nice guy right now.

Let Ryan spend the weekend with his son.

Fine, I'll let him be with his son.

Uh, great. Thank you. Uh, Boyd's
upstairs. I'll go tell him.

That's all right, I'll tell Boyd.

You know, I can hog
that nice guy spotlight

just as well as Ryan can.

Where does he want to
take him this weekend?

He's taking him to an
arts and crafts festival

- in Steamboat Springs.
- Hmm.

They're gonna learn how to hook a rug.

Give a man a rug and he
has something to walk on.

Teach a man to hook a rug,
and you've wasted a weekend.

Woman (Over speaker): It's been
years since the five bodies

were found in shallow graves

near the sleepy town
of Leadville, Colorado.

Authorities finally agree the identity

of the Leadville k*ller is...

This is so exciting. I still
think it was the football coach.

He left the high school at
: and went to the bank.

The second victim was found
on a riverbank. Coincidence?

You know, I-I think it
was the town butcher.

I mean, for one thing,
he was the town butcher.

What about those four John Does?

Clearly, they're related.

All right, here we go.

And the identity of the
Leadville k*ller is...

Woman: ...unknown to this day.

- Boo.
- Are you kidding?

Woman: His identity is lost,
like the lives of those he took.

The Leadville m*rder
Chronicles are brought to you

by Flom Flom. Flom
Flom... get connected.

What? We spent weeks on
this, and it's unsolved?

They should tell us that
in the first episode.

It's like, no one
would watch Scooby-Doo

if they didn't tell you who
the bad guy was at the end.

Who am I kidding? I'd still watch.

That dog is a genius.

Mandy, excuse me. Guys,
uh, can't do lunch today.

Got to do something with Boyd. Sorry.

That's okay, Dad. Kyle
and I are solving a m*rder.

Really? Thought this was Personnel.

I didn't realize we
had a homicide division.

No. We are listening to a podcast

- about the Leadville murders.
- Mm-hmm.

I think we can cr*ck it.

You may remember that
summer at the cabin

when I won two games of Clue.

Very impressive.

That's how Comey got his job.

This is weird. Wow.

This one here kind of looks
like Ed if he had hair.

I'll see you at home, guys.

Kyle, get back to work.

(Scoffs) Ed with hair.

(Chuckles) Ed never had hair.

Wait.

In , Ed would have had hair.

Do you think...?

Wait, no, no. The-the
profiler said the k*ller

was an experienced hunter
with excellent survival skills.

But that could be a ton
of people in Colorado.

They also said he was
a short-tempered man

with a dancer's body.

Zoinks.

Hey, kid, only my grandson
can touch stuff on my desk.

(Laughs) Hi, Grandpa.

Oh, it's you.

Listen, don't touch stuff on my desk.

Hey, can we go downstairs and
get a new rod for this weekend?

Uh, we're not going fishing
this weekend, and you're not

gonna want to after you
find out where your dad

is planning to take you.

I thought he was working.

No. He wants to spend time with you.

He wants to take you to
a special arts festival

in Steamboat.

What about our fishing trip?

We can do that any
time. I can reschedule.

I'll just call the fish.

- Hey.
- Hey, I was just telling him

about that little arts festival
you want to take him to.

Sounds like fun, Dad.

Uh, yeah, it is fun. But, you know,

so is fishing with your grandpa.

So we'll go to the
festival another time.

Oh, no, no. No, we're
not gonna go fishing.

You know, you're gonna witness
the birth of a rug. Come on.

So, so, wait, are we,
are we fishing or not?

- No. No... no.
- Yes.

Your kid wants to go with you.
I'm gonna let you take him.

But he's looking forward to
the fishing trip with you,

so I'm letting you take him.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

This is a weird fight.

- We're not fighting.
- No, no.

I'm just trying to do something nice,

and you're not gonna let me?

I'm trying to do something nice,
and you're not gonna let me?

Actually, I have a better idea.

We should all do something together.

(Both laugh)

Oh, really?

Yeah, seriously. Fishing or art?

There's a balloon race
this weekend in Grand Lake.

We should all drive
up there and watch it.

Oh. Did I mention it's arts and crafts?

Is that what you
really want to do, Boyd?

It is. I think it would be great

if we could all just
hang out and have fun.

Uh... you up
for that, Mike?

Hmm.

Yeah.

Balloon race? Come on,
NASCAR of the sky, as they...

I'm all in.

All packed up for my
delightful road trip with Ryan.

I think I got everything
except my cyanide tablets.

Oh, come on, Mike, it'll be fun.

Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun.

People on blankets staring
at people in baskets.

Sounds like a real hootenanny.

Well, I'm sure Ryan's
looking forward to it.

This is gonna be the
worst weekend of my life.

It's two days.

I was in labor for two days.

In a car? With your dad?

Just visualize something positive,

like a kitten playing
with a ball of yarn. Meow.

Or a lion playing with your dad's head.

Whatever works for you.

- And remember, my dad respects you.
- Oh, please,

I'm your dad's punching bag.

It's gonna be two
hours of stand-up comedy

about my slow driving, my music,

my bumper sticker that
says, "Arms Are for Hugging."

I know mine are.

Mwah. Don't worry.

I bet my dad is glad that
he doesn't have to drive.

And Ryan'll be driving, which
means I got to deal with a lot

of people with their thumbs up
because they like whales, too.

Why are you getting so
worked up about this?

You've taken trips with Ryan before.

Yeah, but the last time
I took a trip with him

was with he and his dad,
the only person on Earth

that makes me feel sorry for Ryan.

You know what? The trip might be easier

if you didn't criticize him so much.

Didn't criticize him?
We, we have to talk.

(Laughs)

- Okay, what?
- I don't know,

I just, I think it's so funny

that-that the one time you
guys try to do something nice

for each other, it bites you in the ass.

He was not trying to do something nice.

He was trying to do
something nicer than me.

And if he thinks he can out-nice
me, I will squash that turd.

(Phone ringing)

Oh. Hey, hon.

Tell me this isn't gonna
be as bad as I think it is.

Well, your dad and Ryan trapped
in a car for a two-hour drive?

I hope you have a black dress.

We know Mr. Alzate. There's no
way he's the Leadville k*ller.

Honey, we are amateur
professional detectives.

We need to pursue every lead.

And once we talk to Ed, we
can cross him off our list.

Yeah, w-we're not accusing him,
we're-we're exonerating him.

You know, we're just doing
our Scooby-Doo diligence.

Exactly. And once Ed is cleared,

we can move onto our other
unidentified suspects,

Cowboy Hat and Scowl Face.

I got my eyes on Scowl Face.

You know, I mean, just the
name sounds like a criminal.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Mandy, how nice of
you to bring us lunch.

Uh, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, it's just been so
long since we've got to talk.

Yeah, uh, you know, we just
thought it'd be fun to catch up.

- Oh.
- Like, uh, Mandy and I,

we were just talking about
this podcast we're listening to.

Podcast. And what's that?

Oh, it's like the
radio, but on your phone.

It sounds unnecessary.

Well, the one we're listening
to takes place in Leadville.

Leadville?

Now, why do you bring up Leadville?

Oh, that's just where the
case took place, back in .

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Now, why would I care

about Leadville in ?

Well, we saw this picture,

and the guy kind of
looked like a young you.

Crazy, right?

(Both chuckle)

Whatever picture you found

is none of your business.

All right?

You really shouldn't be snooping around.

Someone could get hurt.

Hey, you're making it sound
like you have something to hide.

Anyone who's interesting
has something to hide.

Thanks for the lunch.

What does all this mean?

It means Scowl Face is off the hook.

This is nice.

Really? Surprised to hear you say that.

Yeah.

It reminds me of driving
with my grandmother

- on long road trips.
- (Makes smacking sound)

Right down to the mouth noises.

My mouth is dry.

Do you want a hard
candy out of your purse?

- I like the way you drive, Dad.
- Thank you, Boyd.

Well, the good thing
about driving this slow is

it won't hurt when I fling
myself out of the car.

And there's a meadow coming
up in three, two, one, liar.

Why don't we listen to the radio?

No, we're not listening to the radio.

No more NPR. Please, God!

What is your problem with
listening to public radio

and, I don't know,
maybe learning something?

I have learned something...
don't listen to NPR.

How about that?

Right there is the
problem with conservatives.

You stick your fingers in your ears

so you don't have to hear the truth.

A liberal sticks a finger in his ear,

it'll poke out the other side.

Can we not argue the whole time?

Yes. Sorry.

Why don't we just not
talk for a little bit?

(Engine rattles)

- What is that?
- I don't know.

It makes that noise
every once in a while,

and then that stupid light comes on.

What's the light say?

"Check Engine."

- What do you suppose that means?
- I don't know.

How about check engine?

Not just to look and see if it's there.

We're never gonna make it up the pass.

It's fine, okay. Old cars make noises.

Part of their charm.

(Engine sputters, dies)

Uh-oh.

(Whispers): Charming.

Hey, do you have any tools in here?

Uh, I have my woodworking tools.

Well, perfect. We can chop a tree down

and whittle ourselves a socket set.

You know what my mistake was?

Well, asking me that question

wasn't the brightest
thing you've ever done.

I should've just told Boyd that
he was going fishing with you.

Well, then you wouldn't have
been able to look like the hero

and make me out to be the bad guy.

That's not what I was doing.

If anything, I was trying
to make you look good.

Oh, that's impossible.

Me just standing next
to you, I look good.

Please. I dance circles
around you when we argue.

Oh, I think your "Check
Ego" light just popped on.

Look, when you take
Boyd for the weekend,

it takes me an entire
week to deprogram out

all the fascist ideas you teach him.

Well, then, why did you want
me to go fishing with him?

Because you also teach him
things that I can't, okay?

And he thinks you're the greatest.

And it drives me crazy.

I love every single thing you just said.

You remember my dad, right?

Met him twice.

- First and last time.
- Exactly.

But I love my grandpa
like Boyd loves you.

And my dad hated it.

And eventually he said, "That's it.

No more time with Grandpa."

And I was all like,
"But I love Grandpa."

And he was like, "Oh,
what, are you gonna cry now,

you little baby?"

Should we interrupt
him? I don't think so.

You talk to him. I'm
not gonna talk to him.

My dad stopped letting me
hang out with my grandpa.

When he got sick...

my dad wouldn't even let me see him.

Now all I have left are those
stupid woodworking tools.

All right, this is very
hard for me to say...

but could you move a little,
'cause you're in the light.

Yeah, why would you get it, right?

I get it, okay? I get it. I'm sorry.

You just don't want to turn out and make

the same mistakes your
dad did, all right?

But you don't have to worry
about that sort of thing.

First off, there's no
way you could keep me

- from seeing my grandson.
- (Scoffs) I could.

No, you couldn't.

Okay, I couldn't.

We're not our dads, all
right. You're not your dad.

Yeah, I know that, all right.

But when it comes to being a father,

the only thing I know for
certain is what not to do.

I get it. Well, you
should do what I did.

You know, you... just
go with your instincts.

Follow your instincts.

You know, and as far as
being a parent's concerned...

and that's about it...

you're-you're
pretty spot-on.

Wow. Rare compliment.

I thought it would feel better.

But I actually feel like
I drank a Slurpee too fast.

Okay, here's what we know.

The Leadville k*ller was never found,

and Mr. Alzate is the Leadville k*ller.

Whoa, we don't know that.

He fits the profile, we
can place him in the area

of the killings, and he won't
talk about his time there.

That evidence is not
just "circumcisional."

So, what are you saying?

I'm saying...

it may be time to go to the police.

Oh, no, no, I would drop
dead twice before I rat out

Mr. A to Johnny Law.

And that is detective
speak for "no way."

Wait, so you wouldn't turn Ed in,

even if he k*lled all those people?

He's been like a father to me.

Although I did turn my father in.

But he was like a stranger to me, so...

I can't believe you'd protect Ed

just because you like him.

- Enough!
- (Mandy gasps)

Mr. Alzate, why are you
coming through the backdoor?

I didn't want anyone to know I was here.

- It's time to end this.
- (Gasps)

Yeah, I know you've been
snooping around in my life.

I wanted you to hear the truth from me.

It's a bunch of naked hippies,

and they're alive.

(Chuckles)

We were never more alive.

Skinny-dipping in Copper
Creek, all hopped up

on Boone's Farm and peyote buttons...

But why'd you need
to keep this a secret?

Look at the naked woman on my shoulders.

Why was everyone naked in the ' s?

Were clothes that expensive?

Hey, is that Barbra Streisand?

That's right, that's right.

She performed for presidents and kings,

the biggest star in the world;
she couldn't let that get out.

That's all?

We thought you were
the Leadville k*ller.

What? Are you nuts?

Well, you were acting all strange

about being there in .

Well, I had a lot to hide.

Look, I was... I was buck
naked in the woods with Babs.

You wouldn't want the world
to see Fanny Brice's fanny.

Well, now, what the hell?

Now it's-it's all over now, so...

The carbon paper's
out of the mimeograph,

so share it with the world.

- Fine.
- Yeah.

That's okay, Mr. Alzate. You take it.

We'll never tell anyone.

In fact, we wish we could unsee it.

Thank you.

Thank you... let's just
hope no one sees the tape

of me and Madeleine Albright.

Can't believe you fixed
that with a pair of pliers.

Well, we all have our skills, right?

For instance, you'll be able to save us

if we're ever stuck on the side
of the road and we need a rug.

All right, listen. Hey, Boyd.

Boyd. Boyd, take those out for a second.

- Yeah, Grandpa?
- Listen.

Does it bother you when
your dad and I argue?

- I-I don't know. Kind of.
- Well, you know we're just

doing it because we have
difference of opinion.

- That's all this is about.
- Ryan: Yeah.

Right, like Grandpa lives in a world

where the Earth won't die

if the corporations could
just make more money.

And your dad lives in
a world where he thinks

everything would be better if we
just held hands a little longer.

So, just because you fight doesn't mean

- we won't do stuff together?
- No, no, no, no.

We like to fight. Right, Bozo?

Yeah, we do, Mike.

That's your father taking the high road.

The important thing is,

I will always want to see you.

And I will make sure
that he always does.

So, are we going home?

No, we're not going home.
We're gonna go to the hotel

and the balloon race tomorrow.

We'll get there quicker
if I drive, so get out.

I want to see how this old crate drives.

Uh, Ruth.

Ruth?

Ruth.

I call my car Ruth Motor Ginsburg.

I'm sure you do.

You know, I think I have a picture

in my office of Ed with her.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man,

where we say, "Give your kid
a fish, he'll eat for a day.

"Teach your kid how to
fish, he'll have an excuse

to flee the house for a lifetime."

You see, we have a pole
model to help you be

a good role model.

Listen, of course, in life,
no matter how fine of example

you set, there's no guarantee
your kid's gonna follow it.

Even the great Ronald Reagan had one kid

that turned out to be a little "wonky."

On the other hand, some people have

lousy role models and turn out fine.

Gerald Ford's biological
father was a terrible parent,

but Jerry became president
and, more importantly,

led Michigan football
to two national titles.

Go Blue! Yeah.

Everyone reacts to their role models.

My old man used to blow
Pall Mall in your face

to let you know he was done listening.

(Sharp inhale, heavy exhale)

"We're done here, kid."

(Blows)

Made me hate cigarettes.

Made my brother Jimmy a
Pall Mall man for life.

Kids are tough and resilient.

And the more time they spend outdoors,

the tougher and more
resilient they'll be.

That's the real deal. (Chuckles)

Speaking of "reel deals,"

you don't want to send them
out there with bad equipment.

And where would you get good equipment?

Outdoor Man.

We got all the "reel
deals" your family needs.

Baxter out.