08x08 - Bevy's Big m*rder Mystery Party

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, I loved a good mystery, whether it was UFOs or who sh*t J.R., the Bermuda Triangle, or what was in New Coke.

So it was no mystery that I loved the movie Clue.

I was so obsessed, I even took my own mom to go see it.

I loved it.

Was it the mystery?

The crime most foul?

The snooty butler?

It was the swanky party.

Wha?

All those people dressed to the nines and eating fancy foods and discussing nonsense.

That is my dream.

But I think the nonsense they were discussing was a m*rder of a colleague.

How fun would that be, solving the brutal stabbing of a good friend?

I guess you could throw your own m*rder-mystery party.

Yes!

And it'll be the social event of the year and every year after that until I die and my friends gather to solve that crime.

I'll script the whole thing!

It'll be a night full of danger, dialogue, and distrust!

Can you guys keep it down?

I'm watching Dukes of Hazzard.

Dad, we're planning a m*rder-mystery party.

It's gonna be fun.

Fun?

N-No thank you.

Look at me.

We're doing this.

Look at me.

Over my dead body.

Yes!

He can be the dead body.

Sounds like too much work.

This is the perfect amount of work for you.

You just have to exist.

'Cause movement of any kind is a deal breaker.

I'll m*rder you quick.

I promise.

Fine.

Yay!

Murray's kinda in.

A Goldbergs m*rder-mystery party.

How have we not done this?

Yay!

** I'm twisted up inside ** But nonetheless I feel the need to say ** I don't know the future ** But the past keeps getting clearer every day ** ADULT ADAM: It was January 13th, 1980-something, and Erica was about to get a major reality check.

Ms. Goldberg.

(SIGHS)

Any idea why I've called you into the dean's office?

You want to put me on your famous list?

Is there, like, a cash prize, or is it just something worthless like honor?

Weirdly, the Dean's List is not generated by the dean but a provost...

Can we just get to it?

I have a puppetry class in ten.

Well, that's why we're here.

It seems you haven't declared a major yet.

But I'm only a sophomore.

Can't I just keep sampling classes until something strikes my fancy?

That depends.

Are you a member of the well-heeled patrician class where money is no object?

My dad's had the same three pairs of pants since I've known him, so not so much.

Well, I think you should pick now.

Your major affects your internships, which turn into jobs, which turn into a good life.

(CHUCKLES)

Or not.

Some people are just unhappy.

Are you one of those people?

My depression is seasonal.

Okay, go.

(CHUCKLES)

Pick a major!

Hey, oceanography.

Bing, bang, boom.

My life path is settled!

But you hate the ocean.

You said it's God's toilet.

Fair.

Computer science.

Hello, future.

It's me, Erica.

Let's do this.

You're really gonna program computers?

Is that what that means?

Damn it!

Why is this so hard?

I mean, who actually knows what they want to do with their life at this age?

This handsome devil right here.

Barry, I don't wanna hear it.

So you are aware that I'm a bio major with a pre-med concentration...

Oh, you're gonna be a doctor?

I got worried because you hadn't said it in six seconds.

How dare you?

I have never mentioned my career in the life-saving arts.

I shall be a doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor.

Brain doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor Tasty's ready to save lives.

No one cares.

Dr. Milgrom does.

He gave me an internship this summer.

Well, have fun mopping up bodily fluids while Geoff and I hit the beach.

Uh, actually, I'm interning, too.

What?

But you're a freshman!

You seem upset.

I'll just cancel it.

Point is, "Undeclared-ica," you either know what you want to do with your life, me, or you float around like a turd in a toilet, you.

I'm not a turd.

(CHUCKLES)

Said the turd.

Don't listen to him, babe.

You're not a turd.

Turds can't talk.

When you defend me, it's worse.

It was a tough area.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica was spinning out, our m*rder-mystery party was revving up.

Places, everyone!

The suspects are arriving soon.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Is there anything better than opening night?

Yes, the end of the night, when we close the door.

Dad, where's the rest of your costume?

I came up with some new backstory for my character.

He doesn't care.

But I do.

Put some cloth between my eyes and that.

I don't take notes.

Murray, your m*rder kicks off the entire night.

Put these on now.

What I do for you people.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi.

We're here for the m*rder.

Ha!

That's not something people say.

Good evening.

Bitterfrost the Butler at your service, sir.

And so cute in your little-boy tuxedo, just like Fred Savage at the Emmys.

I know not of what you speak, ma'am.

I was born to a scullery maid.

Ooh!

He is not breaking character.

So fun!

And possibly annoying.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Madame Topaz, an elegant Parisian with impeccable class and dignity.

Murray, put your (BLEEP)

pants on!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

We're here.

I brought mushroom caps.

I'm Lady Alabaster.

And I'm Kitchen Helper Number One.

No name given.

Well, remember, Essie, it's better for the help to be seen and not heard.

You invited me.

Oh.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello, new friends.

I'm John Glascott.

I hate to come empty-handed, so please enjoy these homemade crab cakes.

Fun!

The secret is to only use claw.

(CHUCKLES)

You invited my guidance counselor?

I ran into him at the market.

He saw all the alcohol in my basket and asked if we were having a party.

So?

Tell him you're an alcoholic!

He'd believe it with kids like us!

Sorry to interrupt, Boy Butler, but I'm not familiar with m*rder-mystery parties.

What the hell is all this?

We would like all our guests to please refer to their dossiers.

"Captain Eggnog.

"A w*r profiteer with a monocle and pipe." I-I didn't have any of that stuff.

I'm Mr. Pistachio, "a career diplomat "who should wear a green blazer if you have it." (CHUCKLES)

Well, lucky for you, this is one of nine.

I'm Miss Cabernet, "a bombshell babe in a yowza dress." (CHUCKLES)

How flattering.

And accurate.

Wait.

Adam, did you write that?

Assigned randomly.

I'm Linda the housekeeper.

And that's my name.

And I am "foreign"?

That's it?

To the dining room!

ADULT ADAM: While our m*rder-mystery party was getting under way, Erica felt underwater picking a major.

I want to thank you for this lovely spread of loose jelly beans and sink water.

Hey, you're my number-one grandpa.

And I need your help choosing a college major.

Honey, I get it.

It's a big decision.

Maybe art history?

Damn it!

Why was that so easy for stupid Barry?

He gets to be a doctor who makes a crap-ton of money and drives a convertible with vanity plates that say "Dr.

Big Tasty." You shouldn't compare yourself to Barry.

You two are very different!

Yeah, he's gonna live in an apartment over the park while I'm stuck in an equally luxurious place because my husband's a doctor, but it's not the same.

Look, hon, you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.

Maybe art history?

You're right.

I could totally be a doctor, too.

But until this moment, you never once expressed an interest in medicine.

Oh, thank you, Pops.

It might be time to stop emotionally investing in my grandchildren.

ADULT ADAM: With that, my sister had made up her mind.

She was gonna be a doctor.

Which was news to Barry.

Goldberg?

Here.

Also here.

Erica?

Surprise, I'm gonna be a doctor, too.

What?

No, you're not.

There's only one Dr.

Goldberg in this class and on the planet.

Oh, you really don't have a grasp of who makes up the medical community.

But you should be happy.

We're going on this journey together!

You're not a doctor!

At best, you're one of those pharmaceutical reps who pushes allergy meds in a pencil skirt!

Whatever.

This isn't about you anyway.

It's about me helping gross, sick people and having a dope-ass beeper.

But what kind of doctor would you even be?

Obviously not the kind that deals with your downstairs or backside business.

And nothing with the mouth or ears.

And, of course, the middle is off the table.

That's the entire body.

I didn't rule out shins.

I'll be a "shin-ologist." Look at me go.

Welcome to human anatomy.

Look around.

Half of you will fail, a quarter will go on to med school, and one will k*ll a man through gross malpractice.

She's talking about you.

Hey, malpractice makes "malperfect." ADULT ADAM: It was game on between Erica and Barry.

Meanwhile, our m*rder-mystery party was taking off.

Oh, oh, oh.

That's crab, Billy.

You're highly allergic.

Blazes.

I love that sweet sea meat, but I love breathing more.

Good catch, babe.

One clam almost ruined our whole trip to Myrtle Beach.

That was a nasty rash.

Oh, I've been there.

(CHUCKLES)

Myrtle Beach, not the rash business.

I love poppin' off my top.

Oh.

Salty air on my flesh while I proudly strut down the boardwalk.

(CHUCKLES)

Again, I'm John.

Ooh, try my mushroom caps, Bill.

Try 'em.

No seafood.

And if you're allergic to flavor, you're still okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you aware of the bond you share tonight?

We're all open to new friendships?

Uh-uh.

You are all about to embark on a two-hour grand mystery full of scripted twists and turns, ending in...

m*rder!

(ALL GASPING, EXCLAIMING)

m*rder!

Your weapons are served.

Speaking of, did, uh, Bill k*ll me yet?

Murray!

I'm sorry.

Has Dr.

Prune k*lled me?

No, you just blew the ending!

Well, maybe nobody heard me.

I've heard every sound that's come out of your body tonight.

It's okay.

We still don't know where Dr.

Prune k*lled him or with what.

There ya go.

We'll just forget the basement and pick a new spot.

Stop talking!

Yeah, don't even need to use the ice skate.

Oh, my God!

So it was Dr.

Prune in the basement with the ice skate.

Well, that was a fun evening.

Can I drop anyone off?

Sure.

Damn it to hell, Murray!

All you had to do was lay there and play dead, but instead, you ruined the night!

All right, I-I'm sorry.

Wait.

I can fix it!

He can fix it.

ADULT ADAM: Yep.

All I had to do was rewrite my entire mystery from scratch.

Just got to boot this up.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Takes a few seconds.

Or minutes.

Yes!

Okay, just need to pop in the old diskette.

Yeah, this wasn't happening anytime soon.

Oop.

This one's full.

Let me find a fresh one!

(ALL GASP, SCREAM)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(GROANS)

No!

There's crab cake in this mushroom cap!

Stand back!

I'm an ophthalmologist!

Anybody else?

Preferably not a guy who sells Ray-Bans.

(GROANS)

Oh, it passed.

Now it's just mild discomfort, but what a ride.

You know what this means?

Someone in this house is a m*rder*r.

But I'm still alive.

Attempted m*rder*r.

It's just a scratchy throat.

Well, somebody's guilty of something.

The mystery's back on!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Great!

'Cause this thing is still warming up.

ADULT ADAM: Bill Lewis was crabbed!

My mom's big m*rder-mystery party had gotten something even better...

A real almost m*rder.

Can you believe it?

Someone tried to k*ll Bill.

This is the best!

Not for Bill!

He's still a little splotchy around the tummy and neck.

Only the woman that loves me would want to study my nooks and crannies.

Or maybe it's an act to throw us off her scent.

Clearly, Dolores crabbed you to collect on your ample life insurance.

Please.

She's the breadwinner.

If anything, I'd crab her.

Aw!

Not to rain on this strange parade, but maybe my good friend Bill grabbed a crab cake by mistake.

That makes sense, except for the friend part.

I haven't said two words to you.

Well, now you have.

Get on in here.

I'm a hugger.

Not so fast on that hug!

You're the one who brought the deadly shellfish.

But I wouldn't hurt a soul.

You did cr*ck open those crabs and rip their legs off.

Sure, but they're ugly bottom-feeders.

They don't have souls.

They don't feel love.

There is no crab heaven.

Well, I'm in crab heaven.

Was there a sauce that came with these?

What about Lou?

We all saw the way he ogled Dolores in her Miss Cabernet dress.

Lou?

Is that true?

She's a handsome lady.

I enjoy her shape.

This night has been great for my self-esteem.

But would someone really k*ll Mr. Lewis over his new bride's athletic frame?

Well, on that note, I'm leaving.

Why?

Are you running from something?

Perhaps a m*rder?

Please.

What reason would I have to gently crab Bill?

I don't know.

Perhaps you've had it out for him ever since he installed that hideous tile in your powder room.

(GASPS)

It's not hideous!

It's terracotta!

Everyone loves terracotta!

They really don't.

It's a trash tile.

You've gone too far.

Wait!

"U R NEX." An ominous and unfinished warning!

Well, it couldn't have been Ginzy.

She'd never ruin her own crappy coat.

Then who's the criminal mastermind?

(THUNDER CRASHES)

♪**♪ ADULT ADAM: While our plot thickened, Erica was in the thick of studying.

Why would anyone need to know all eleven bones in the human foot?

They wouldn't, dum-dum.

There's twenty-six.

Oh, really?

And you can name them?

Every metatarsal.

See, I write raps to help the material stick.

Please don't rap.

And he's rapping.

(RAPPING)

** Yo, the human foot, yeah It's full of bones ** You got the helix The tarsal And the hammer toe ** Ya stand on your foot And it don't give out ** The bones of the foot's What I'm all about ** Don't get a bunion, y'all!

Wow.

Both dumb and useless.

Okay, please, let's all just try to remember that we're friends and family and we should support each other.

Opposite.

I will dominate and embarrass her into not only not becoming a doctor but never seeking medical attention in her life.

Well, when I become a doc, I'll name a skin disease after you.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, you have Barry-tigo.

"It's hideous and incurable." When you fail, I will make you my nurse.

Why would she take a job as your nurse?

It's the only job in medicine she'll be able to get.

I'm off to rap-study.

That's not a thing.

We shall see when I use all twenty-six bones in my foot to defeat you.

Hi-yah!

Doctor kick.

Um, I'm not sure what a doctor kick is, but you should probably study harder.

Oh, believe me, I will.

I will.

C-plus?

Crappity, crap, crap, crap!

"A," baby!

(CHUCKLES)

Nice work, Mr.

Goldberg!

Thank you.

Your teaching literally saves lives.

Excuse me, Professor?

I think you messed up.

See, there was a bunch of stuff on the test I didn't know, so what are you gonna do to correct this?

I do have one idea.

For next week's lab, I'm gonna pair you with a stronger student.

Your brother.

What?

No.

Oh, yes, and I have so much to teach you.

There you go.

Lesson one.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Write that down.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica couldn't have felt smaller, the criminal mastermind remained at large.

Okay, here's what we know.

Bill was crabbed in the den, and Ginzy's beautiful coat...

(IMITATES BUZZER)

...was bedazzled in the foyer.

And every guest had the time of their life!

I did it!

I'm the Jackie O.

Of Jenkintown!

This fake m*rder thing still happening?

No thanks to you, but the evening has taken a welcome turn.

There's a monster among us.

Monster.

Wait a second.

That's it.

Beverly did it!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Essie, I swear to God, if we ever do this again, you're eating in the kitchen.

Think about it.

Who among us benefits the most from this evening continuing?

Beverly.

You were probably jealous that Dolores showed you up in that smokin' dress.

Okay, wait a minute.

You really think I did this?

You did desperately want the night to work out.

And when it didn't, you poisoned me?

And ruined my coat.

Bedazzling is one of your signature activities.

You all think I did it?

Definitely!

It makes sense.

Hey, after this, who wants to go to Dairy Queen for Blizzards and gossip?

Dad, they're turning on your wife.

Hey, just want to say thanks for coming, and this'll count as my goodbye so I don't have to say it individually.

To the DQ!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Murray, this is all your fault.

Me?

What did I do?

You gave away the entire fake mystery and didn't participate in the real one.

And for some reason, you took a bath and put a robe on.

What was I supposed to do?

Anything.

This night meant a lot to me.

We haven't had a dinner party in a long time, and I thought it would be a fun, new tradition, but shame on me for thinking that you would want to be a part of something.

As I leave, I should mention that your robe is ajar.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom's night was ruined, Erica was jumping in with both feet...

Or at least one.

In front of each station is a real human foot.

You and your partner will be dissecting it and identifying the bones, muscles, and tendons.

Good luck.

Okay.

Here's how this is gonna go.

You do nothing, and we both get the "A" I deserve.

No way.

I got this.

I'm ready.

(SIGHS)

Whoa.

That's, like, the real thing.

So lithe and elegant.

Probably a ballerina.

Don't make it a person.

(RETCHES)

Oh, God.

That's the inside of a foot.

Okay, just back off.

It's not my fault you don't know what you want to do with your life.

Of course I know.

I want to be (RETCHING)

a-a doc...

A doc...

Toes.

There's so many toes.

You can't even say "doctor"?

Pathetic.

That's because I don't say, I do!

Now gimme the foot!

No, stop!

You're making the foot dance!

It's hilarious, but not the time!

(GRUNTS)

Aah!

Aah!

The foot touched my foot!

No, don't kick it!

Just pick it up, pick it up!

I'll just cover it with this bucket.

No, it's not a spider!

It's a dead lady's kicker!

Okay.

There.

Step away from the foot.

Both of you leave my class now, and don't come back.

You did this.

It's one thing to be competitive, but it's another to ruin the one thing I always wanted.

Thanks a lot, Erica.

ADULT ADAM: My mom's m*rder-mystery party had gone bust, but every good m*rder mystery has a twist.

Everyone, stop!

I figured out who crabbed Bill and bedazzled Ginzy!

Adam, it's over.

Not yet.

You're all gonna want to see this.

Our criminal mastermind is...

Me?

What are you talking about?

I don't do things.

And yet you did.

(AS BUTLER)

In order to help you understand what happened, I shall need to take you through the events of the evening step by step.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

First, everyone showed up, and Mrs.

Schwartz was hurtful when she said, (IMITATING LINDA)

"You look like Fred Savage at the Emmys." I don't think I said it like that.

And Mr.

Lewis was all, (IMITATING BILL)

"Jimminy Criminy!

We're here for the m*rder!" Kid's a regular Rich Little.

Then Virginia arrived with her deadly mushroom cups.

They weren't deadly.

They were a hit.

Well, I think the whole evening was delicious.

Just to reiterate, my first name is John.

Then Dad ruined the game 'cause he wasn't paying attention.

No one could tell, but he felt bad!

Your father doesn't feel regret.

Or shame or modesty or common social decency.

Not typically, but tonight, he wanted to fix things and didn't know how.

He did know Bill had a mild allergy, so he k*lled the lights...

(ALL GASP, EXCLAIM)

...and smashed a light bulb for dramatic effect!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Under cover of darkness, he grabbed a crab cake and jammed it into a mushroom cap.

Bill took a bite and went down.

(GROANS)

I suppose that makes some sense, but what about my coat?

Simple.

While we were all busy bickering...

"Your tile's hideous." "There's no crab heaven." "I enjoy her shape"...

That gave Dad time to find the closest thing he could to a w*apon...

Mom's bedazzling g*n.

(GASPS)

Murray.

Is that true?

What gave me away?

(THUNDER CRASHES)

The mid-party bath.

You were so overheated by frolicking amok, committing heinous acts, you had to cool your body down.

Murray, you could've seriously hurt Bill.

Nah, I saw him accidentally eat some popcorn shrimp at a Sixers game.

I figured it was worth it.

For fun like that, you can play fast and loose with my life anytime.

Wait.

Y-You all had a good time?

Big time.

So much.

I need all your numbers.

My coat is still ruined.

But why?

Why did you do this?

I guess I just felt bad that I screwed up your big night.

That is the sweetest thing you have ever done for me.

Really?

(WRECKLESS ERIC'S WHOLE WIDE WORLD PLAYING)

ADULT ADAM: For the ones you love, you got to step out of your comfort zone, even when all you can do is own up to your mistakes.

You okay, kiddo?

No.

I screwed up college again.

I'm not pre-med.

I'm not pre-anything.

Mm.

That's okay.

You'll figure it out.

What if I don't?

I already went down one wrong path with music.

What if it happens again?

It might.

Well, that's not comforting at all.

Life's full of a million paths.

I'm still trying out new ones myself.

Really?

Sure.

Your major doesn't matter.

What matters is your passion, and that, you got tons of.

I guess.

I know.

And you should probably use some of it to fix what happened with your brother.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment, Erica realized what Pops had been trying to say all along.

There was one way only she could help Barry.

Please.

I need this class.

Mr.

Goldberg, I've made up my mind.

Reconsider.

I'm sorry?

Exhibit A, Barry's last test...

The highest grade in the entire class.

Exhibit B, a letter from Dr.

Milgrom certifying Barry's internship this summer.

And Exhibit C, Barry's time card from Abbington Memorial, where he volunteers.

What's your point?

My point is, Barry's always wanted to be a doctor, and he's gonna be a damn good one.

Are you really gonna take his future from him because of my screw-up?

Wow.

You advocated for your brother better than he could for himself.

I wrote an apology rap.

Yeah, which I don't want to hear again.

You're back in.

Now please leave.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out the best way to figure out what's right for you is by seeing strengths in others.

Erica, wait.

Thank you.

It's the least I could do, since I almost ruined your life over a severed foot.

Well, I appreciate it.

Did you ever consider being a lawyer?

Not really.

Well, you should, because you were really impressive back there.

I kind of was, wasn't I?

Truly.

And whatever it is you do decide to do, I-I know you'll be awesome at it.

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes, life can be one giant mystery, and it's not easy to solve, but you might be surprised where you end up, like being clued in to your loved one's favorite movie, or even pursuing a path in life you hadn't considered.

In the end, if you keep exploring your passion and following your gut, one thing becomes clear...

You'll find yourself exactly where you should be, ready to take on the whole, wide world.

** Yeah!

** (BELL DINGS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

GLASCOTT: There he is!

My m*rder-mystery buddy!

We fraternize outside these walls.

(LAUGHTER)

Please keep it down.

I already have a precarious social dynamic that doesn't need "teacher's friend" added to the mix.

So, did anyone ask about me?

Um, Ginzy?

Lou?

That sassy Bill?

I haven't spoken to my parents' friends about anything because I'm in high school and they're old.

Good times.

So, when is the next evening of merriment and laughter?

I'm just gonna write down Mrs. Kremp's phone number because it's the only one I know.

Finally.

(CHUCKLES)

867-5...

Eh, this is from a song!