01x21 - The Club

[bunniefuu]

Katie: The Westport Town & Country Club.

Upside... it's completely free
if you live in the city limits.

Downside... no mom in this town

has the decency to let herself go.

Women over who actually want
to be seen in a bathing suit.

It's unnatural.

God. It's so nice here.

Said those kids the first time
they saw Neverland Ranch.

- What's that?
- Nothing. Mama's just being silly.

Just don't befriend pop stars.

Maybe Adele.

Okay, this is where I leave you, g*ng.

Mom, please make Dad change
before you go.

That shirt was out of style
when he bought it years ago.

Joke's on you. I didn't buy this shirt.

It's a hand-me-down from my uncle.

Ugh. There's Emma Conway.

She's gonna make me
play doubles with her.

She's terrible.

Just tell her you don't want to.

Yeah.

Or I could hide in the bathroom all day.

Honey, you have got to start
saying "no" to people.

It's not so hard.

Excuse me. Could you tell me
where the towels are?

No!

Actually, it's just right over there.

I'm in the middle of a life lesson.

I'll be in the clubhouse

schmoozing with the Wall Street guys

so one day I can buy this place
and turn it private

so people like us can't get in.

Okay. Have fun. I'll miss you.

You don't have to miss me.
I'm coming with you.

Don't you want to go swimming?

I'll live.

Ah, but, honey, I was
gonna go home and watch shows

that are inappropriate
for a girl your age.

Ah, screw it. You're an old soul.

You can watch TV-MA. Come on.

♪

♪

Guess I don't need
my pool shoes anymore.

Whoa! Honey!

Your feet stink.

[Sniffing] Whoa!

Are you showering?

Yeah, with soap and everything.

By any chance, would
"everything" be a dead seal?

Hey! Are you guys just getting here?

No, we're on our way out.

Oh, that's too bad, 'cause
Marigold and Anna-Kat could...

What is that smell?

It's, um...

No, no, no. You know
I like finding the smell.

[Sniffing]

[Sniffing]

- Oh, my.
- Mm-hmm.

I know. Now I'm gonna
have to tell everybody

I gave a goat a ride.

Hi, Marigold.

Hi, Mrs. Otto.

Just call me Katie.

Can't.

So, is Taylor inside the club?
Marigold loves Taylor.

Doris, you cannot force Taylor
to babysit for you.

I need a break.
I've been with her all day.

It is : .

She's so boring.

Doris! Don't you have a nanny?

Two, but they're taking care
of my other children.

How many nannies
do you want me to have?!

Fine. I'll take care of her by myself.

♪

[Water running]

How's it going in there?

Anna-Kat: Great.
No need to come in and check!

Now I have to come in and check.

That's how I got caught
with pot in my flashlight.

"No need to check if it works, Mom!"

What are you doing?

You weren't supposed to come in.

Why aren't you in the shower?

I'm scared.

- Of a shower?
- Of the water.

Since when are you scared of water?

- They sunk the unsinkable Slocum.
- [Water stops]

A fire started in the Lamp Room.

The lucky passengers drowned.
The rest b*rned to death.

Anna-Kat...

less reading, more video games.

Titanic, the Lusitania...

Water kills.

Is that why you wanted
to leave the club?

So you didn't have to go to the pool?

Yes. And I'm not showering, either.

Oh, baby. Don't be scared.

We'll figure it out.

[Sniffs]

Ohh! Soon.

Real...

real soon.

♪

Dad, a word?

In the clubhouse, I was talking
with Cooper, Tripp, and Weston.

Man, do your friends sound white.

Some of the guys were discussing
the best college golf programs.

Your school came up.
I mentioned you taught there.

And the guys were really impressed.

So you're coming to say you weren't
embarrassed by me for the first time ever?

No. Don't misread the situation.

It's about your jalapeño rating.

My jalapeño rating? What's that?

It's a website students use to rank

how attractive their professors are.

Oh, okay.

. . Is that out of ?

No, it's out of .

When is anything ever out of ?

Siskel and Ebert.

Who's that?

Two guys. Both dead. Forget it.

. jalapeños, huh?

Yeah, but who's really
gonna see this thing?

It's only limited to everyone
who has the Internet.

All you had to say was "lots of people."

There you are, Taylor.
I need you to watch Marigold.

What? No. I'm supposed to play tennis.

Are you back-talking me?

What?! N-No. I-I just...

Great. Then we're agreed.
See you at : .

Don't forget to feed her.

I'm allergic to lots of stuff,
but I don't remember what.

[Sighs]

"Professor Otto looks like
a beige sweater came to life

and then threw up
another beige sweater."

Ouch.

I just spoke to Dr. Ellie.

- Oh.
- She said exposure therapy

is the best way to get Anna-Kat
over her fear of water.

What if we just pour
a splash of water on her face

over and over until
she's not scared anymore?

That's called waterboarding, so no.

Why don't you just take her to the pool?

She's always loved it there.

Just take her hand
and slowly walk her in.

Or your hands. You have hands.

She's not gonna do it with me.
You're her favorite.

Ah, I've always known it,

but it feels so good
to hear someone else say it.

Well, I'm glad someone is feeling good.

Do you want to hear what my
students are writing about me?

"What is with his sweaters?

Does he herd sheep
during his office hours?"

Oh, Greg, get over
your jalapeño thing already.

Get over it?

That's not what you're
supposed to tell me.

Whenever you're feeling
insecure, I always boost you up.

But you like doing that.

For me, it is a lot of work
and it doesn't come naturally.

Fine.

But will you please just
take our daughter to the pool

and help her get over her fear of water?

[Sighs]

I can't.

Why not?

Don't get me wrong.

I am comfortable with who I am.

I am comfortable
with the way that I look.

Except...

Except what?

[Sighs]

Except when I am in that bathing suit

around those stupid women
at that stupid pool.

Oh, honey.

You have nothing to be
self-conscious about.

You're more beautiful
than any of those women.

Incidentally, this is
how you buck someone up.

And you can't let them get in your head.

You're right. I'm being silly.

For you and for our smelly
child, I'll get over it.

[Exhales deeply]

♪

♪ Do you really want to hurt me? ♪

♪ Do you really want to make me cry? ♪

Are you ready to make water
your friend again?

You sure this is the right thing
to do? Dr. Ellie's divorced.

She doesn't get everything right.

Mommy's gonna be with you
every step of the way.

There you are, Taylor.

Marigold has not stopped talking

about how much fun she had
with you yesterday.

Yeah? Did she tell you that
as a knock-knock joke?

Guess how many I heard yesterday.

Knock-knock! , .

That sounds like Marigold.

- So, I was thinking...
- I gotta go.

Marigold, look.
Taylor's playing tag with you.

And you're it. Go get her.

I never thought I would say this,

but I love how you're taking
advantage of my daughter.

Taylor really needs to learn
to stand up for herself.

I know. She's a bully's dream.

- Mm-hmm.
- And pretty, too.

It always feel better
to break the hot ones.

♪

Tommy Bahama is never the answer, Dad.

It's % silk.

And it's sweet you think
that's a good thing.

I have a plan to help you
with your jalapeño rating.

It's vests.

It's not vests.

Come on.

[Sighs] Here we are.

The water won't k*ll you.
I won't let it.

That's what they said about
the passengers on the Slocum

right before they found out

their life jackets
were filled with sawdust.

They filled them with sawdust?

And metal. To save money.

Oh, God. Why couldn't you just
read Berenstain Bears?

All right.

Just a toe. Here we go.

See? Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Now just a little bit more.

[Splashing]

[Gasps] Still not dead!

One more step.

I think I can go all the way in,
if you come with me.

All right.

Dear, sweet, forgiving cover-up,

I'm afraid this is where
we say "goodbye."

Katie? Katie Otto?

We never see you in the pool.

[Laughs]

Oh, God. Look at them.

They've never eaten a
French-toast stick in their life.

Why don't you go in first
and show me how fun it is?

No! I'm only doing it with you.

Come on, Katie.

Why are you letting these
skinny idiots psych you out?

Just take the stupid cover-up off

and get your well-rounded ass
in the pool!

[Watch chimes]

Nope! Maybe tomorrow.

Katie: My cover-up
got right to the point

where my thighs meet,
and then I chickened out.

I'm mad at myself for
letting Anna-Kat down

but even madder for letting those
clavicle moms get in my head.

Clavicle moms?

This... is supposed to
be covered in meat!

Okay.

Well, getting into your head
is what those women do.

They hate being in their own heads.

It's all Botox and daddy issues.

Mm. They convinced me to use
organic makeup last summer. Dumb.

And I want to get in the pool.
I love being in the pool.

But it's the unveiling.

- Ugh.
- Ugh. It's the worst!

Totally.

Mnh-mnh. Don't try to get in on this.

You two weigh less than my left boob.

[Both laugh]

And it's the walk to the pool
that I hate.

You're in nothing but a swimsuit,

and everyone is watching
every jiggle and shake.

- Hmm.
- [Smacks lips]

I don't know.
Maybe I'm just being crazy.

Uh, you're not being crazy.
They're totally judging you.

- [Groans]
- It makes them feel better

- about their meaningless life choices.
- Mm-hmm.

The point is, you just got
to sack up and get past it

because Anna-Kat's stink is
starting to become your stink.

Oh, yeah.

That's what that is.

[Hangers rattling]

Anything?

It's worse than I expected. Total loss.

Everything is too conservative
and out-of-date.

What about the turtlenecks?

Oh, Dad.

Under a suit coat, they look sharp.

Do you want . jalapeños for
the rest of your life? Do you?!

[Softly] No.

Okay. Good.

Sorry I had to raise my voice.

Look at my outfit. Nice, right?

Keep in mind we're working
with the same budget.

That's true. How do you do it?

All you need is one piece
of good clothing

to build an outfit around.

You mean like...

...this?

Stop!

Listen.

If you have a Picasso
hanging on your wall,

everyone just assumes the rest
of the art is equally priceless.

- Huh.
- See?

I got this expensive shirt,

which offsets these outlet pants
and discount-bin sneakers.

You're right. That shirt
makes the whole outfit sing.

I took the liberty of using
a generous gift card

from a birthday-party swag bag

and bought you...

- [Unzips]
- ...this.

Oh, Oliver, thank you,

but I really can't pull that off.

Uh, I think you're gonna
have to return it.

- No.
- No?

No. You are wearing this jacket.

You are going to turn around
your jalapeño rating...

or else I am going to the kitchen

to eat your good almonds.

No!

♪

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- No.

- How do you do that?
- What?

Say "no" to people like that.

Doris is totally gonna stick me
with Marigold again.

Teach me how to be a jerk like you.

First of all, I'm not a jerk.

I'm more like a lovable scamp.

Second, see this thing right here?

Yeah. Talk to that.

It appears you're looking in
their eyes, but you're not,

so you can't tell if they're
hurt or mad or anything.

You just say whatever you want.

And that works?

[Sighs] With everyone but Mom.

She's the only person in the world

who cares less about
people's feelings than I do.

♪

Ooh! Garment bag. Fancy.

Yeah. Oliver used some gift card
to buy me a jacket.

I think he's trying to
improve my jalapeño score.

- Let me see it.
- Yeah, here.

[Unzips]

[Gasps] Whoa!

It's like Ryan Gosling, but a jacket.

I know, right?

But... I can't wear it.
It's really not my style.

What do you mean?

Because it's not the color
and texture of twigs?

- Hey!
- Get over yourself and put it on.

- Hmm.
- Mom! We have a problem.

I tried to comb Anna-Kat's hair,
and the brush got stuck.

Her hair is all matted.

You didn't take her to the pool.

I'm going to.

She's growing dreadlocks!

People will think
we're neglectful parents

or, worse, that we want our kids
to have dreadlocks!

Tomorrow, I'll take her to
the community pool in Norwalk.

For bucks, you can
use the pool all day.

Yeah, and they throw in
pinkeye for free.

Why are you being like that?

Because I'm supposed to get over
wearing this jacket,

but you can't get over
wearing a bathing suit

to help our daughter de-stank?

[Scoffs] She's not that dirty.

I don't even remember eating rice.

Oliver: Look at this.

Look at what this family has become.

You're all going to the pool tomorrow.

You're wearing that jacket.

You're wearing that bathing suit
so she gets in that pool!

And you want me to
stand up to Doris, right?

I don't care what you do.
But the rest of you,

I'm trying to make connections,
secure internships,

and you're pulling me down
like three crazy anchors.

Just like Lena Ackerman
was pulled down with the Slocum

when the water of the East River
claimed her as its own.

Okay. Enough of that.
Tomorrow, we go in the pool.

And, by the way,
you're not so normal, either.

When you were years old,

you were obsessed with seeing me naked.

♪

Today, we are showing this club
what the Ottos are made of.

♪

Whenever we're walking
as a group like this,

I like to imagine
we're doing it in slo-mo.

I think we look really cool,

but other people probably just think,

"Man, they sure bring
a lot of crap to the pool."

Okay, we'll see you at the pool.

All right, Taylor.
Looks like you're up first.

There will be people like Doris
out there your entire life.

- Don't worry, Mom. I got this down.
- Hey, guys!

Hi, Doris. Marigold.

So, Marigold had such
a great time with you,

we were thinking a sleepover
may be in order for you gals!

Uh-huh.

Uh, you can gossip,
she can braid your hair.

But don't braid her hair.

[Muffled] And apply
her ointment at : .

And here's her overnight bag...

No.

[Normal voice] Excuse me?

You can't keep bullying me
into babysitting your kid!

But you're best friends.

No, we're not. She's like
years younger than me.

- Technically, I could be her mother.
- That's just not true.

- But you said...
- No buts!

You birthed her, you play with her!

And a lip wax wouldn't k*ll you.

- [Gasps]
- All right. All right.

Let's just go ahead and break it up.

Marigold, you come with me.

I don't want you hanging around
with her anymore.

Wow! Honey! You did it!

And you also just made
a very powerful enemy.

I don't care. I love the new me.

I'm gonna tell Emma's under-nose
that she sucks at tennis.

I don't think I can do this.

Come on.

The only jackets I've ever worn
have been part of a suit

or a classic blue blazer.

Without matching slacks,
this feels... unsafe.

Let me tell you a story.

You remember when we first moved
to Westport,

and I was going through that...

[Whispers] ...Harry Potter phase?

I remember a lot of robes
getting caught in car doors.

Then Mom bought me
that pair of red pants.

I felt like a complete idiot
wearing them.

And yet you had no problem wearing
the Sorting Hat to school.

The point is, look at me now.
The pants worked.

Now you go make that jacket work.

Thanks, Dad.

♪ I wanna see your peacock ♪

♪ Are you brave enough
to let me see your peacock? ♪

♪ What you waiting for? ♪

♪ It's time for you to show it off ♪

♪ Don't be a shy kinda guy,
I'll bet it's beautiful ♪

♪ Come on, baby, let me see
what you hidin' underneath ♪

♪ Peacock, eh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh-eh-oh ♪

Did you see me?! I crushed it!

I went out there, and heads turned.

You did great. Place is abuzz.

[Beeping]

Don't look back. Play it cool.

Crushed it.

Here's the plan.

We are going to get in
and get over ourselves.

Okay.

[Indistinct conversations]

Coast is clear.

♪

[Whistle blows]

Everyone's got to shower!

What?!

Everyone has to shower
before getting in the pool.

Well, that's stupid!

[Dramatic music plays]

If Taylor can stand up to Doris

and Greg can wear that ridiculous jacket

that I'm pretending he can pull off,

then I can do this.

I've got nothing to be ashamed of.

But if I'm being totally honest,

I'm a little ashamed
of Greg in that jacket.

Okay, honey, we're gonna
do this together.

Together.

♪

I don't think I can do it.

Baby, we've come all this way.
We're not giving up now.

If I don't jump in right now,
I don't think I ever will.

[Sighs] Screw it.

One, two, three!

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

Hey!

- We did it!
- We did it!

[Laughing]

You're a rock star!

[Whistle blows]

- [Both laughing]
- Why was I avoiding this?

It feels so good, swimming
with my favorite child,

laughing, not worried
about what anyone thinks.

I got worked up for nothing.

[Whistle blows]

You are banned from the pool!

You are years old! Shut up!

♪

I mean, who are they to judge me?

Nobody should judge anyone.

Plus, my face is
so much better than theirs.

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

Honey, I am so proud of you
for getting in the water!

Thanks, Mama. I'm glad I did it.

I was really starting
to stink this morning.

Yeah. We went from B.O. to petting zoo.

I'm going to go take a shower.

Great. But first,
run these down to the wash.

You mean in the basement?

Yeah. That's where
the washing machine is.

I can't down there!
The basement is underground!

I could end up buried alive
like those Chilean miners!

men trapped for over months.

They barely escaped with their lives!

How do you know about that?

I read it in my new book,

"Trapped Below: Death in the Darkness."

Greg!

I handled the water issue.
This one's all you!

Okay. Let's say goodbye to that . .

Show me what you got!

Give me pouty.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Give me strong.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Give me sexy.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Back to strong! Back to strong!

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Beep]

All right! I'm back!

Shh!

- I g...
- Shh!