06x01 - Help Wanted?

[bunniefuu]

♪ United States vs.

China in the World Cup Final.

I'm going to forget all about this in 24 hours, but right now, this is my world.

We're team USA, right, Tina Pham?

Sure she was born in China, but this is the only home she's known.

It would be dope if the U.S. won.

You know, finally stick it to another country for once.

Hey, don't discount China.

The way that pitcher used her head to bounce the ball over the cage?

Resourceful and unexpected.

That's China.

Did you say "pitcher"?

I really don't care who wins this game.

MARVIN: You call this a game?

Where's the hitting?

Where's all the blood, little Liza?

That's why I voted to watch "Cops." Can you guys keep it down?

All this commotion is distracting Maria from eating.

[Giggles]

Cool.

Just add yams to the list of things you won't eat, which so far is everything but strawberries and crayons.

Honey, pipe down, we can't hear the game.

If this is a game, then "The English Patient" is a w*r movie.

It's been 90 minutes and no one has scored!

Oh, come on, let the gals use their hands!

Relax, Marvin.

We're in overtime.

This'll be over any second.

ANNOUNCER: And we're going to penalty kicks.

If Brandi Chastain makes this penalty kick, the U.S. wins.

Chastain places the ball.

It all comes down to this kick.

[Dramatic music plays]

[Snoring]

♪ Goal!

[Cheering]

USA wins!

And Chastain falls to her knees in celebration!

What a picture-perfect moment.

♪ Ooh, baby ♪ Rushing off to do his homework.

He may root for team USA, but his blood runs red.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪ ♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪ ♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪ ♪ Fresh off the boat ♪ ♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪ ♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪ ♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪ ♪ Hmm, proofreading your dad's poetry again?

If only.

I'm trying to pick an elective for 9th grade.

There's just so many great options...

Photography, Yearbook, Drama...

Ugh.

Drama?

Woodshop?

Ceramics?

Welding?

Are you starting high school or prison?

Let me help you narrow it down.

Thanks!

Good morning!

I was wondering if you have any tips for getting pureed carrots out of linen?

Maybe finish chewing before you talk?

[Scoffs]

They're from Maria.

When it comes to food, she's more of a thrower than an eater.

Mm, like a soccer pitcher.

Eddie, you were supposed to be up 30 minutes ago.

Did you sleep through your alarm again?

Oh, I threw that garbage in the river.

It's so loud.

Anyways, I'm starving.

Where those breakfast dogs at?

[Sighs]

I wish Maria would eat like Eddie.

Mealtime is always a battle.

I mean, especially now that I have two kids to wrangle.

I wouldn't know.

Because I have three.

Why don't you trick her with a treat?

Tempt Maria with something she likes, like strawberries, and then while she's chewing, shove in a spoonful of beef.

Hmm...

I don't know...

Trust me, it works.

I do it all the time with Eddie, except in reverse.

Watch this.

Thanks, Ma.

See?

Now he eats fruit.

Guess who made the front page of the paper?

Our girl Brandi!

♪ Ooh...

♪ Nope!

What's up with Evan?

He just ran off without checking the DOW.

EDDIE: Ohh, I know.

[Door closes]

Brandi Chastain in a sports bra?

The way he acted at last night's game?

Evan's got his first case of "the tingles".

"The tingles"?

You know, Little Evan is finally talking to Big Evan.

- Ohh.

- Ohh.

Ohh.

Yeah...

I...

I have gotta...

I have...

Okay...

Well, it's sooner than we thought, but I guess it's time to give Evan my patented talk, "The Talk".

Good.

Have fun.

Everything waist-down is your territory.

I made that very clear in our vows.

♪ Hey.

Do you still have that "Flowers and Watering Cans" book lying around somewhere?

You mean the "Birds and the Bees" book that Principal Hunter gave me?

Yeah, it's for Evan's "tingle talk".

I'm going to pretend like I'm going to read from it, then discard it in dramatic fashion.

You know, open with a "wow".

Wait.

You're going to give him the exact same talk you gave me?

Do you remember that talk?

Half the reason I came to this country is so you could have lots of sex.

Stay away from Arkansas, they outlawed all the fun stuff...

If you pretend like you have a bad back, you don't have to do so much work.

You can't give Evan that talk.

Why?

It was a great talk.

Oh, it was the best talk.

You k*lled it.

But Evan's not chill like me.

He's an innocent little dove.

If you come at him like that, his head might explode.

Hmm.

Okay, point taken.

I'll make some adjustments.

You know, Evan it up.

I don't know.

You're going to make it weird for him.

Maybe I should do it.

Evan looks up to me.

I'm kinda like his father figure.

What?

No.

I'm his father figure.

You're barely a son figure.

Oh, God, I didn't mean that.

You're a great son.

It's just...

it's my job, stay out of it.

♪ Really.

You're great.

Solid son.

♪ [Door closes]

Notice anything?

Yes.

Everything.

What?

No stains!

I tricked Maria using a treat, and I got her to eat a few bites of chicken.

Your advice was great!

Well, water is wet.

I am beautiful.

Are we just playing a game in which we say things we already know?

Well, thank you.

I owe you one.

[Grandma Huang speaks indistinctly]

Is that your mother-in-law?

What did she say?

[Sighs]

Who knows.

She always yells across the house at me and then gets annoyed when I can't understand her, and yells again.

It makes it so hard to ignore her twice.

[Grandma Huang speaks indistinctly]

Two more yells until the stray dogs start barking back.

Still better than my father-in-law, the gesticulator.

He's like one of those, like, inflatable tube men at the car wash.

Except a tube man wouldn't punch through the last self-portrait your Nana ever painted.

Should I take Yearbook or Drama or German?

[Liquid shaking]

"Ask again later"?!

Uh...

is Emery okay?

He's still trying to choose an elective.

I hope he figures it out soon because I can't study with all these interruptions.

_ [Sighs]

MAN: Hot dog!

Now your favorite food is your favorite toy!

EDDIE: Where you going, nerd?!

Sorry, it just rolls off the tongue at this point.

These are my props for "The Talk".

I thought about what you said and realized that Evan's more of a visual learner.

- Is that a...

- A conch shell I painted hair on?

You bet your ass it is.

Okay, I really think all this is just gonna confuse Evan.

Come on, Eddie.

I thought you were supposed to be chill.

Relax, I got this.

[Sighs]

[Television turns on]

Evan?

Yes, Papa?

[Dreamy music plays]

[Tink! Tink!]

Aww...

[Ting! Ting!]

[Dreamy music continues, stops]

Oh.

Nothing.

♪ I couldn't do it.

I don't know what happened!

I choked!

[Sighs]

Don't worry, Pops.

Eddie's got this.

Yo, Evan.

Listen up.

Yes, Brother?

[Dreamy music plays]

[Tink! Tink!]

[Dreamy music continues]

[Ting! Ting!]

[Dreamy music continues]

[Music stops]

♪ Has he always been this adorable?

He had one bad Saturday a couple years ago.

Other than that, yup.

[Sighs]

♪ Afternoon, Mother!

Well, you're in a better mood today.

That I am!

Why are you shouting?

I'm "projecting".

It's a technique actors use to be heard across the room.

I'm not following.

I talked to Honey, and she helped me pick an elective...

Drama!

She did what?!!

Now you're projecting!

Did you take Drama, too?

♪ [Door opens, slams shut]

You!

What did you say to him?!

Wh...

Emery said that after he talked to you, he signed up for Drama!

Oh, good!

I'm glad he finally picked something.

No.

Drama is a garbage elective.

I...

I thought you just wanted him to choose?

Well, I didn't think he would choose something so useless.

That's right up there with Spanish or CPR Training.

Jessica, I know how you feel about the arts, but there are aspects of Drama I think really could help Emery...

What exactly did you say to him?

That it would be "fun"?

Help him utilize his "imagination"?

Get in touch with his "feelings"?

Why are you using air quotes?

Those are real words.

Are they, "Honey"?

Look, Emery was stressed about his electives, and it was obviously stressing you out, too.

And you had been so helpful with Maria, I just wanted to repay the favor.

Well, if you want to do me a favor, just stay in your lane.

Really?

Because you never stay in your lane.

Name one time I haven't.

How about the time you threw out all of my Shania CDs because you said country-pop wasn't a real thing?

Or the time you tried to have my first name changed?

Or the time you casually suggested I would be happier with a younger man?

Casually?

I gave you Eddie's basketball coach's number.

Look, as misguided as that was, I knew you were just looking out for me.

That's what good friends do.

You see a chance to help and you do it.

You don't ask for permission.

Oh, so we don't have to ask for permission to help each other?

Good, because there have been so many times I wanted to help you, but I held back.

This has been you holding back?

Well, I can't help you with everything, Honey.

Oh.

[Scoffs]

Okay.

Okay, well, if you think I need help, then by all means, don't hold back.

You shouldn't.

Neither should you.

- No more lanes.

- Mm.

Because we're such good friends.

The best.

Mm.

This headband is wrong for you...

friend.

It draws attention to your weird hairline.

Thank you...

friend.

And now let me help you.

This necklace is ugly, and it highlights your oversized clavicles.

♪ [Insects chirping]

You were right.

Evan is an innocent little dove.

I can't see him as anything but the little boy who plays with Beanie Babies.

And where did that cute puppy night-light come from?

Innocent Boys 'R' Us?

Billion-dollar idea but try to stay focused.

"The Talk" is going to be harder than I thought.

I don't think I can go back in by myself.

Maybe we could team up.

Two heads are always better than one.

K-Ci is nothing without JoJo.

No idea who they are, but based on context, yes, good plan.

We flank Evan from both sides, and we turn the last Huang boy into a Huang man.

So weird, but okay.

♪ Evan, we need to talk to you about something.

Oh no.

There's a hole in the foot of my jammies.

Hello, Ernie The Toe!

[Ting! Ting!]

We can't talk to him on an empty stomach.

Hmm.

What are we?

People who don't need to eat?

Thank you.

We just need to get the exact words down on paper.

After that, we talk to Evan.

Yeah.

We're not scared!

[Chuckles]

But...

maybe we should clear our heads first with an 8:20 showing of "The Sixth Sense." Yes, smart.

We follow that up with "Notting Hill" at 10:15, then we buckle down.

[Chuckles]

♪ [Sighs]

Okay...

[Liza crying]

Okay, little Liza, your bottle is almost ready...

Gosh, Honey, juggling two kids looks hard.

As your friend, I thought keeping one occupied with a fun toy might help...

[Rattling, crashing]

...to stimulate her mind.

Since she's not walking yet.

[Crying]

♪ [Bugle plays]

[Gasps]

Oh, good, you're up.

Since you're having a hard time with Eddie oversleeping, as a friend, I thought I'd lend a helping hand in the form of a m*llitary wake up.

Anybody in the mood for some "Hello Dolly"?

[Bugle playing]

Ow!

[Bleep]

[Bleep]

[bleep]

hurt like a [bleep]

I know.

Your house, it's a mess.

You've been so preoccupied with the kids that you've let everything slide.

That's why I thought I would help by inviting your in-laws to stay.

Can't hurt to have an extra set of gesticulating hands.

What?

You...

You invited Mervin and Candy?

Yes.

I love what you've done with the place.

It's so open and...

[Vase shatters]

It fell.

Ohh.

Honey, that is not childproof.

Thanks, Candy.

♪ [Sighs]

My hairline is gorgeous.

♪ Where's Dad's pomade?

I'm playing Danny Zuko in "Grease"!

It's electrifying!

♪ GRANDMA: We have the house surrounded!

Come out with your hands up!

[Sighs]

I got your mother-in-law a megaphone.

Now you don't have to worry about Jenny yelling and not understanding her.

GRANDMA: Did you like my joke?

It was me.

I was the police.

In conclusion, there are religious, social, and cultural reasons for the procedure, but as far as how it affects sensitivity, the jury's still out on that one.

Okay, so, getting to first base means kissing.

Second base...

You don't want to know what second base was like in the Navy.

Ours was based on naval bases, not baseball bases.

You know, I almost got to Pearl Harbor with the Captain's daughter.

I sorta get the conch shell, but why the tongs?

Oh, I was just returning those to the restaurant.

You know, guys, the problem with your talk is there's too much talk.

You're gonna lose Evan.

Now, when my old man did it, he just used hand gestures.

Boom.

Facts of life.

[Chuckles]

Why do you and your dad look like brothers?

Oh, well, that's the way it works in the Ellis family.

You know, by the time we're 25, we look like we're old men, and then we just coast the next 70 years.

It's the curse that keeps on blessing.

I've had crow's feet since I was in college.

[Both chuckling]

I'm just thankful my sisters gave me the talk because I'm not following any of this.

Trent, you beautiful red beast!

That's brilliant!

Maybe what we need is a woman's perspective.

And that's how you pleasure a woman.

Emotionally and sexually.

I don't feel comfortable saying any of that to Evan.

I should have taken notes.

I'm just trying to erase the visuals.

And the sound effects were totally unnecessary.

We're worse off than when we started.

Maybe we have to rethink the talk altogether.

Yeah, and why are we rushing into things?

Evan's still young.

[Chuckles]

So young.

Just a lamb, really.

Yeah, we've got plenty of time.

Grandma, do you mind if I store my Beanie Babies in here?

I'm reaching an age where I need some privacy.

- You do it!

- No, you do it!

- I'll do it!

- No!

No!

Evan, your dad and Eddie need to have a little talk with you.

Not here, though.

This is already too much family time for today.

And they say you can't reuse your maternity clothes.

I'm Sandy from "Grease." I came over to help Emery run lines.

Why do you look like a low-rent "Pretty Woman"?

Oh, I just bought a few dozen turtlenecks to help you with your clavicle problem.

♪ What do you think of my costume?

I just need help sewing the Rydell "R" on my sweater.

I'll help you.

No, I'll help you.

♪ [Grunts]

[Gasps]

My Danny Zuko letterman sweater!

[Sighs]

Thanks, Honey.

You wanted some drama in his life, now you have it!

[Megaphone squeals]

Hello!

I have a megaphone!

Can you hear me?

Look at what you did!

Me?

Look at what you did!

I came over here to help.

As a friend.

Well, maybe we're the type of friends who work best when we don't help each other with anything!

That is not what friends do.

- Well, then maybe we're not friends!

- Maybe we're not!

[Scoffs]

Here.

I'd lend you my sewing machine to fix Emery's sweater, but, sadly, that's a thing only friends do.

That's fine.

I already have two sewing machines of my own.

♪ [Door closes]

♪ So, um...

that's it...

[Chuckles]

That's how it all works.

Do you...

have any questions?

Not really, I actually know all of that already.

You do?

Then why'd you let Dad take out the shell?

I was confused of what was going on inside of me, so I went to the library and microfiched like a fool.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Okay, good, but, um, if you ever need to talk, you could always come to me.

- Or me.

- Or...

both of us.

And if you guys ever need to talk, I'm here, too.

At the library, I learned Dad's at the age where his man parts start failing and Eddie's a year away from his sexual peak.

♪ Yeah ♪ Apparently, it's all downhill from there.

♪ No ♪ Okay, off you go.

♪ [Sighs]

[Dimmer switch clicking]

♪ Hola, mi amor.

Why?

Do I and my perfectly functional man parts need an excuse to spend some alone time with my wife?

Can we table whatever it is you're going through right now?

Honey is trying to turn Emery into a homeless.

By encouraging him to take Drama?

That's how it starts.

She says she's helping me as a friend, but all she's doing is overstepping.

Do you know how it feels to be around somebody so pushy?

Mm...

I just don't see how Honey thinks that she can help me.

Well, maybe you're just underestimating her.

You're used to your relationship being one way and now it's changing.

It's like that time I gave Evan "The Talk".

- You mean just now?

- Yes.

- Did he already know everything?

- Yes.

- Did he teach you stuff, too?

- Yes.

[Sighs]

You know, I always figured that being his father automatically made me the teacher.

But I'm realizing that he'll teach me things, too, because he's going through big life changes.

And so is Honey.

It only makes sense that your relationship would evolve.

So, back to my man parts, which I said are fully functional.

And have a can-do attitude.

♪ [As Jessica]

Great, Louis.

See you in the bedroom.

[Knock on door]

Honey, I need your sewing machine.

♪ Hey, let me help you.

It's okay.

Please.

Here.

You know, I have to say, the blocks you brought over did keep Maria distracted while I fed Liza.

And Marvin's bugle worked.

Eddie's so afraid of hearing it again, now he gets up even earlier.

Well, what about Jenny's megaphone?

I threw that garbage in the river.

[Laughs]

Honey, this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm not very good at accepting help.

Mostly because I never need it.

Never?

I'm just so used to being able to give you advice and you just taking it.

But now that you have two kids of your own...

Which is still one less than three...

I guess you'll have advice to give me, too, sometimes.

So...

can we be friends again?

- Yes.

- [Chuckles]

Just know that 98% of the time, I won't need any help.

Oh.

Well, I'll be there for that 2%.

[Chuckles]

Okay.

Good as new.

Thank you, Honey.

Emery's been a lot happier since he started Drama-ing.

You know who else took high school drama?

Bill Clinton.

- No.

- Yeah.

And Richard Nixon.

[Gasps]

Well, if it's good enough for Tricky d*ck, it's good enough for Emery.

♪ [Both chuckle]

I owe you guys an apology.

I shut you out because I was avoiding having a conversation I wasn't mature enough to have yet.

But if I'm really going to be a man, I'm gonna have to start acting like one.

So, let's talk.

When a Beanie Baby reaches a certain age...

[Ting! Ting!]

[Sighs]

Oh, god, have you guys always been this cute?

I can't do this.

Grandma, you're up.

Evan, you're gonna want to take a walk.

I'm sorry, Brandi.

[Sighs]

All right, first base...

[Sultry music plays]