01x05 - Cricket

[bunniefuu]

This is Roscoe, the guy I was telling you about.

So you're a private detective?

[Julian] That sweet, innocent little girl you got up there, she stole the identity of a dead kid.

How is that possible?

[Sean] I can show you what she's doing if you want to see it.

She eats canned soup, she prays, she goes to sleep.

Then it gets a little weird. [Julian] What do you mean "weird"?

It's okay now.

- Why us? I knew I'd be happy here.

[Dorothy] Was that your first time being on television too, Leanne?

Yes, Dorothy.

[Dorothy on TV] What's your name? Leanne.

[MAIN TITLE]

[Sean] Dorothy!

Good morning, Mr. Turner. Kick her in the ass for me, would ya?

Dorothy?

[whispers] Dorothy.

Hi. Oh.

Leanne.

Mr. Turner's waiting for you.

Yes, he needs the car.

So, he's driving me all week.

He's been acting so strange lately.

Have you noticed anything?

Strange. How?

I don't know.

Oh. Nice.

Sean's not nice to anyone.

It's not in him.

Unless he wants something... or if he's done something he shouldn't have.

I bet that's it.

You're with him all week.

If you knew something, you'd let me know, right?

I really don't think that Mr. Turner's having an affair, Dorothy.

"An affair"?

Who said anything about an affair?

It was the furthest thing from my mind until you put it there.

[Sean] Ready when you are.

Oh.

Two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Well... Sean's pitching restaurants this week.

Hence the jacket he thinks makes him look 25.

Still, uh, oiling yourself into that skirt, I see.

Oh! There's the Sean we all know and love. [sighs]

I'm not gonna be around much this week, but you'll be all right on your own?

I won't be by myself. I'll have Jericho for company.

Are you warm? You're warm.

Okay, let's go.

Okay, ready?

Whee!

[gasps] So much fun, right?

[girl cackles] I won.

That's how it done, son.

Hi, sweetie. Hi. There you go.

There you go. Hey.

[clattering]

[pounding]

[pounding continues]

[door creaks]

[man grunting]

[grunting]

Oh, hey.

You left the front door open.

I came in through the side entrance. Sean gave me the access code.

There's a key under the grill if you ever get locked out.

Did I scare you?

No.

Bet I know something that will.

What is it?

Open it and see.

[chirping]

[Tobe] Crickets.

Sean asked me to drop them off and do a few hours of prep work.

You must get a lot of them back home.

I used to hear them at night.

Now I only hear cars.

What do they taste like?

Chicken. [knocking on door]

[doorbell rings]

Are you serious?

You can't leave this on the sidewalk.

Not around here.

Some of them won't even check if it's empty.

Thank you.

I was distracted.

You're with the Turners? Sean and Dorothy?

I'm the nanny, Leanne.

I'm Wanda. This is Olivia. Say hi.

I've seen you both in the neighborhood.

Yeah, we've been locked out all morning.

I'm always forgetting my keys.

[inhales, exhales]

Nice place.

They keep it warm too.

Would you like to stay for a drink?

[camera phone shutter clicks]

Where you from, Leanne?

Wisconsin.

Big family?

Just me.

How much did they pay for this house?

I don't know.

We can look it up.

Move over.

You were telling me about home. Wyoming?

Wisconsin.

But I always wanted to travel more.

Somewhere like Asia, maybe?

My aunt, she had this book on Japan.

Did you know that a whole city was wiped out by a b*mb?

Yeah, no sh*t.

Hey, I gotta run.

Um...

Hi.

Um...

Is everything okay here?

Everything's fine. You can go.

Okay then.

[Wanda typing]

[scoffs] See? They doubled their f*cking money.

[door closes]

f*ck! [cell phone ringing]

[groans, speaking in foreign language]

[ringing stops]

I have to take this.

[Wanda speaking foreign language]

So, how old are you, Olivia?

Six.

How old do you think I am?

Mmm... Thirty?

Man, f*ck that guy.

Is everything okay?

[sighs] I have to go into town, pay a fine or your f*cking country is gonna deport my boyfriend.

Can you do me a favor?

Yeah, of course.

Watch her for an hour? She's scared of the subways.

She can stay here.

Okay. Um, change of clothes, favorite toy, everything she cries for is in there.

Oh, and don't feed her. She's f*cking allergic to everything.

I'll just be one hour, no more.

[door opens]

[door closes]

If we don't wake Jericho, we can play a game.

Okay.

Ninety-seven, 98, 99, 100.

Ready or not, here I come.

[door creaks]

[rustling]

[squeaking]

[footsteps running]

[door slams]

Olivia? What happened? Did you see somebody?

A man. He ran outside.

[Jericho crying] [Leanne] Shh.

I'm sorry. My boyfriend and I got in a fight.

It's okay.

We had fun, didn't we?

I can take her home now. Okay.

I owe you one.

You can come back anytime. Both of you.

What do we say to our new friend?

Thank you, Leanne.

Bye.

[Jericho fussing]

Okay.

HYGIENE A PRIORITY We all love a free touch-up at the mall, but if hygiene fanatics get their way, what you're seeing now may soon be considered a criminal act.

[knocking on door] - I spoke with some shoppers this morning and asked them how they felt about the proposed ban.

[woman] It doesn't really affect me as I'm allergic to most...

[TV clicks]

Oh, do you like cake? Cake?

Carlo's on Fisher and Third, they do the most incredible coffee sponge.

Would you like a slice?

Yes, please.

Well, so, it's about 40 minutes there and back if you get the 15.

But it's so worth it.

And you keep the change for yourself.

[thunder rumbling]

Hello?

[creaking]

[Dorothy moaning]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

[clattering]

[moaning continues]

DOROTHY

[whispering]

PHILLY - WIDE

[brakes hiss]

[sighs]

Look at this thing!

I've got Moon base Alpha planted on my face!

I don't get cold sores. I thought I was one of the immune people.

I'm gonna be trending by tonight, just you wait and see.

Hashtag Dorothy Turner has herpes.

You didn't eat your cake.

My what?

Oh.

Sean and I had an early night.

That was so sweet of you to go all that way to get it, though.

Anytime, Dorothy.

[beeping]

[alarm beeping]

Yes. Hi, I'm Leanne from down the street.

Is, um, Wanda home?

Wanda?

Yeah, I met her and Olivia yesterday. Your daughter is very sweet.

I think you've made a mistake. We don't have children.

Where did you say you were from?

I'm sorry, I...

[door closes]

[chirping]

[door opens]

DISARMED READY TO ARM

[Jericho fusses]

[clattering]

[footsteps]

BOUNCE TO BURN Take it from a woman who's tried every diet from Atkins to Zone, nothing burns those inches off like trampolining.

With heart disease amongst young adults on a steep increase, residents of Philadelphia are being encouraged to get up, get active...

[beeping]

[alarm beeping]

[alarm beeps]

[Jericho fusses]

THIS LITTLE PIGGY...

[crickets chirping]

Yes, yes.

Where did you get this? The cellar.

What were you doing down there? I didn't touch any of the wine.

What?

So, Greek or Indian?

Oh!

How's our boy today? Hi.

He's good.

I can't taste either of it, so...

Leanne. Will you eat with us?

I was just going to have soup.

You do love that soup, don't you?

Well, I'm ordering, so let me know if you change your mind.

Okay.

Hi. It's okay. It's okay. [Jericho fussing]

[cricket chirping]

[chirping]

[Sean whispering]

[Sean] Look, I know. [Julian] She's never gonna know.

[Sean] I ain't doing it.

Is it completely necessary?

[Julian] You need to stop making everything so comfortable for this freak.

Let her know she's not welcome.

That's your answer? Practical jokes?

If it was left to me, I'd shut the heating off in her room.

Drive her out of the f*cking house.

[Dorothy] Sean?

Sean?

Dorothy's calling for you, Mr. Turner.

[Dorothy] Sean.

Run to her, bitch.

I can't wait till you get married. Yeah, you're really selling it.

See yourself out.

Call me tomorrow. Yeah.

SEAN

[whispering]

[chirping]

[crickets hopping, tapping]

[Sean] Ow.

[Dorothy] Oh, Leanne. Can you help me, please?

Here. Can you just squeeze right here?

I'm replacing that headboard today.

Well, I sleep in the same bed as you, God help me, and I don't have any splinters.

That's 'cause your skin's so thick. You're, like, two-thirds rhinoceros.

Do you want me to help you or not?

[Sean] I retract my previous statement.

[Sean winces, groans]

Ow. Oh!

Got it.

Wow.

[Dorothy] Don't touch it.

[chirping]

[chirping]

CAMPBELL'S TOMATO SOUP

[burner clicking] [gas hisses]

[slurps]

[sniffing]

[coughs]

TOBY DOG DOG FOOD

[ragged breathing]

[knocking on door]

Hi. Hello.

Is this okay?

f*ck, I don't care.

How long do you think you'll be with them?

These Turners.

'Cause, if you're interested, I have a family in Fairmount, they'll pay you 600 a week, cash.

That's more than you make here, no?

I couldn't leave Jericho.

The really young ones like you, the mothers don't worry so much.

That's why they'll pay more.

Make it while you still can. That's my advice.

I said no.

I'm just looking out for you.

I didn't know there was anything wrong with the onesie.

What?

And I didn't have to go all that way to get her a stupid cake.

If she wanted me out of the house, she could've just asked.

What are you talking about?

[Olivia coughing] Put your hand in front of your mouth.

And he cries more when she's in the house.

He doesn't cry for me.

Not once, not ever.

[coughing continues]

Olivia?

Olivia? [gasping]

Wait... Okay.

[Wanda gasps]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, she can't breathe.

She's in anaphylactic shock.

f*cking allergies.

I need her pen.

[Wanda gasping]

Where's her f*cking pen?

You don't live on this street, do you, Wanda?

What?

Who sent you? Who told you to be my friend?

It wasn't like that. He was... Who?

Julian! His name is Julian, okay?

[crying] He works with my family.

He gave me $300.

Ask a few questions, encourage you to leave.

That's all.

Please. Please help me!

[Wanda crying]

[Olivia gasps, coughs]

[Wanda sobbing] [Olivia coughing]

[sniffles]

[knocking on door] [sniffles]

Can I borrow you for five minutes?

When you deep-fry these little critters, their innards shrink, and the shell hardens, creating little pockets in the abdomen and thorax, allowing me to inject a reduction of katemfe fruit, which is 2,000 times sweeter than sugar.

So, just a few drops is like putting an entire sugar cube into each insect, which, obviously, I could not do.

Now, I know they're gross, so if you don't want to...

My aunt used to say that when a cricket came into your home...

something bad was coming.

What's coming, Leanne?

[sighs]

Sticky.

[sniffles]

It's like caramel popcorn.

[Sean sighs]

[Sean clears throat]

[rustling]

I could drizzle them in beurre suzette, serve 'em like this.

[Sean chuckles]

Couldn't do this without you.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[cries]

[crying]

[sobbing]

[groans]

[crying] [chirping]

[shouts]

[yelps]

[whip snaps] [Leanne gasps]

[TRANSLATOR CREDIT]