01x09 - Phase One, Complete

[bunniefuu]

[MAN AND WOMAN GIGGLING]

WOMAN: That tickles!

Uncle Charlie.

Not now, Jake.

I just heard the Fudge Nuggets song you wrote on TV.

Great.

♪ From her magic chocolate mountain ♪

♪ In the secret chocolate mine... ♪ Jake... ♪Comes Granny's big Fudge Nuggets with a taste ♪

♪ That's oh so fine! Jake, I'm not alone in here.

No way.

Way.

Who's in there?

A friend of mine.

Is it a girl?

Hold on.

Oh, yeah.

Is it Janet?

No.

It's my friend Wendy.

S... Say hi to Jake, Wendy.

Hi, Jake.

You sing really well.

I have to go.

This is embarrassing.

I like that you didn't lie to him.

Well, I-I try to be honest.

♪ Men... ♪

Do you want a cup of coffee before you go?

No, you've got work to do.

I should probably get going.

Charlie, there's, uh, there's French toast left.

Oh, no thanks. You met Wendy, right?

Uh, sure, um, French toast, Wendy?

Oh, no, thank you, I-I should really get going.

You know, I can sing all Uncle Charlie's jingles.

No kidding?

You're going to have to show me sometime.

♪ It's got oats and corn and wheat ♪

♪ It's the sweetest breakfast treat ♪

♪ It's maple, maple, ma... plalicious! ♪ That's wonderful.

Wendy's got to go, Jake.

♪ If your house is bug-infested ♪

♪ Filled with spiders...

Jake, Jake, Jake, take five buddy.

Copacetic.

That means okay.

When he moved in here, he was saying "swell".

Oh, yeah, I got to go to my office for a couple of hours.

Uh, are you okay to watch Jake?

No problem.

Swell.

Will you take me RollerBlading, Uncle Charlie?

I can't, buddy, I got work to do.

What am I going to do all day?

Well, it's really nice outside.

Why don't you wash my car?

No, I want to go RollerBlading.

You know, I could take him.

I've got my blades right in the car.

Really?

If it's okay with your father.

That sounds swell.

JAKE: I'll go get my blades.

Well, if you want, I can go pick up lunch and bring it back, and we can have a picnic.

Yeah.

Swell.

Nice girl.

Is it serious?

It is now, you dumb-ass.

Hey.

Finish your jingle?

How can I work?

First, Wendy took Jake RollerBlading, then she took him to the movies.

Now she's in the kitchen making us all... dinner.

That bitch.

Don't you get it?

She's using your kid to turn a nice, casual relationship into a "relationship."

Okay, okay, now I get where you're coming from.

Thank you.

You're paranoid and you're nuts.

Perfect timing. Dinner's ready.

[WHISPERING]: Did you see that?

She's wearing an apron...

...in my house.

Do you know what that means?

I'm going to stick with paranoid and nuts, Bob.

Are you sure you don't want me to stay and do the dishes?

Positive.

Alan will just rewash them anyway.

Uh... well, I guess, uh...

I should probably get going.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, good, you're still here.

Uh, Jake wants to say good night.

Oh, wow, he's such a sweetie.

Don't you just want to eat him up?

If that would stop him, yes.

I-I-I got to tell you, Charlie, I think that girl's a keeper.

You think so, huh?

Yeah. She's smart, she's pretty, and I-I think she really likes you.

Be honest, Alan.

You married the first girl who slipped you the tongue, didn't you?

No.

Trust me.

This woman has a plan, and it's diabolical in its Machiavellian scope.

I did not marry the first girl who slipped me the tongue.

I'm telling you, she's got her foot in the door, and she will never leave.

Okay, well, I'm out of here.

Ooh, diabolical.

Okay, so I'll, uh, give you a call.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.

Okay. Okay.

It's pretty dark out.

Maybe you should... go in the morning.

Yeah, I suppose I could.

Are you seeing this?

Howdy, neighbor.

Charlie's busy right now, Rose.

I know. White Toyota hasn't budged an inch two nights in a row.

I chalked her tires.

You do know there's a-a stairway right over there.

Of course.

Did you know there's a crawl space under the house that comes right up into your bedroom?

So, what are you doing?

I'm playing computer Scrabble.

All by yourself?

That's so sad.

Well, I, uh, I used to play with my wife every night, and I guess I miss it.

You and I have a lot in common don't we?

How so?

We're both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone's feet warm, but we don't match up with any other socks, so all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten... or a hand puppet.

That's, uh... that's very... insightful... and disturbing.

Um... you're not thinking... you and me, are you?

Oh, Alan, that's very flattering, but... eww.

Wendy?

"Dear Charlie, "thanks for a wonderful night.

Sweet. Special. See you soon."

♪ Free... dom

♪ I'm free

♪ Lots of free

♪ I'm free

♪ Lots of free

All right, you had sex last night.

You don't have to turn into Mr. Bojangles.

Oh, it's better than that.

I had sex, and I woke up alone.

If there were pancakes on my night table, it'd be the perfect morning.

What happened to Wendy's diabolical Machiavellian scheme to never leave?

I don't know.

I must have foiled it somehow.

Guess what? Grandma's here.

Let's see that little dance again.

When I was pregnant with Charlie, we thought he was going to be a girl.

The sonogram showed no discernible penis whatsoever.

Now do you believe me?

First she sucks in Jake, then you, now Mom.

She's like one of those pods from outer space... but, you know, with a cute ass.

Charlie, she wouldn't even be here now if you hadn't taken her upstairs last night.

That was not my fault.

You saw how she kissed me.

I had to take her upstairs.

EVELYN: Remember what I said: hook him on the milk; he'll buy the cow.

Charlie, where have you been hiding this girl?

She's an absolute delight.

Yeah, she's swell.

Good morning. I-I read somewhere you'd left.

Yeah, I was on my way out the door, and then I ran into your mom, and then we started talking, and you know.

Yeah. I know.

So, uh, what brings you here, Mom?

Do I need a reason?

I'd like one.

I'm showing a house in Malibu.

I thought I'd swing by and take my grandson out for pancakes.

Uh, Charlie wants his on his night table.

I'm ready. You coming, Dad?

Are you kidding? I-I-I want to hear more about that sonogram.

Good. Are you and Wendy joining us, Charlie?

Uh, gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do, right, Wendy?

Uh... I can always make time for pancakes.

Oh, wonderful, a family breakfast.

Go put on some pants, Charlie.

But Mom... Now.

You have to be firm with him.

By the way... your nose is adorable.

Thank you. I'm guessing Dr. Shapiro?

No, it's mine.

Oh.

Huh.

Well, sometimes God does good work, too.

Jake, get your stuff together.

We got to get you back to your Mom's.

Already? But we're playing.

Yeah, I got to get going, too, Jake.

Aw!

Okay, I pulled your car around.

If you leave now, I think you'll miss all the weekend traffic.

Don't you worry, Charlie. I'm leaving.

Oh, I'm not worried; I just moved your car so Alan can get out.

I can get out.

Yes, Alan, now you can.

Thank you for a great weekend.

No, thank you.

Jake.

Bye. Bye.

Alan, I'll see you soon.

Bye. Bye.

I got to tell you, Charlie, I-I-I think she's really...

Shh!

[CAR PULLS AWAY]

Okay.

What?

I'm just saying I-I-I think she's really great.

Me, too. When's she coming back?

Well, let's see, today's Sunday, so... never.

Why not?

Well, buddy, uh, she wants something different in a relationship than your Uncle Charlie does.

What does she want?

Uncle Charlie.

What do you want?

Uncle Charlie.

And we both can't have me.

I don't understand.

It's very simple, buddy.

Uncle Charlie... is nuts.

Yeah, nuts like a fox.

So then Wendy can't take me RollerBlading anymore?

Nope.

No more movies?

Afraid not.

Boy, you suck.

Suck?

How do I suck?

Like a fox.

♪ Men... ♪

There he is.

Let the party begin.

Shakin' Jake.

Notorious J-A-K-E.

Jake, he won't stop until you say "Hello."

Jakedy Jake Jake.

Hello.

So how was school this week?

We missed you around here.

It was just school.

Yeah. I heard that, just school.

Right on.

I don't believe it, he's still mad about the Wendy thing.

Charlie, it's only been a week, I'm still mad that you peed in my Boy Scout canteen in 1978.

Not much of a jamboree for you was it?

Okay, I'm sorry about the canteen.

Now will you please make your son like me again?

How would I do that, Charlie?

And by the way, was that so hard?

Explain to him that Wendy was working an angle, making friends with him to get to me.

Do you really want me to tell a ten-year-old boy that somebody he really cares about was pretending to like him?

What kind of lesson is that?

He lives in L.A., he might as well learn now.

Just give him some time, he'll get over it.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey. Can I come in?

It's your house.

Well, it's your house, too.

Then no.

You know what, it is my house.

Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me anymore.

I don't hate you.

Good.

I'm just very disappointed in you.

Hey...

I get enough of that crap from my mother.

So what's it going to take?

Cash, video games?

I don't want stuff, I got plenty of stuff when my mom and dad broke up.

Oh, dude, this isn't the same thing.

What's the difference?

You liked Wendy, then you didn't like her, and no one cares what I want.

Jake, buddy, come here.

Come here.

Sit down.

It's not that I don't care what you want, it's just that you're a kid.

What you want doesn't matter.

Wow.

I do suck.

H... A...

T.

"Hat."

That's it?

All this time for "Hat?"

Let me see your tiles.

Oh, see... you had "Hateful."

See, it would fit right here off the A in "Mychotidian."

How did you see that?

I have Scrabble eyes, it's a gift.

And sometimes a curse.

Alan?

Jake won't play with me.

Well, I can't play with you either Charlie, I am "Occupied."

You play "Pie" at your own peril, my friend.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Rose. Alan?

Come here.

Your move.

What?

What are you doing with Rose?

I'm teaching her to play Scrabble.

Oh, Alan, you are so naive.

"Naive," eight points.

What?

Uh, sorry, I'm in my game head.

Alan, Rose is using you to get to me.

Do you hear the rampant egotism?

"Rampant," eleven points, "Egotism," ten, coming out of your mouth?

I'm just saying...

Not everybody is trying to get to you Charlie.

The only thing that's going on here is two lonely people playing a game of Scrabble.

Oh. Alan.

Please tell me you're not thinking about you and Rose.

Uh, me and Rose?

Eww.

Let's see.

One Russian blonde.

One Scottish brunette.

And a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley.

Charlie's Angels.

Oh. Whoa.

Sorry.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm grocery shopping.

Here? In my super market?

So this is just a coincidence?

Well, it's not entirely, I eat food, and I live two blocks away.

Oh, come on Wendy, we both know that...

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

Uh, Dave, this is Charlie, Charlie, Dave.

Hey.

Hey.

Dave, we need a Duraflame log.

Okay.

Who's that? Your brother?

No, he's...

Look, Charlie, uh...

I know I probably should have given you a call, but I just thought that after last weekend it was pretty clear it wasn't going to work out between you and me.

What?

Well, I mean, I was happy to entertain your nephew for a while.

I mean he's a great kid, but who's got the energy?

And your mother, she's been calling me all week.

She wants to go to a spinning class with me...

What is up with that?

I thought you two hit it off.

I'm from the Midwest, I was being polite.

What did you think was a going on?

That.

Listen, no offense.

No, of course not.

So, so you and Dave, how serious is that?

Good-bye, Charlie.

You know, you're breaking a little boy's heart.

See, my relationships with women, they come and go.

But you and me, we're family and that's solid, that's forever.

Are you with me?

I think so.

I mean, maybe I shouldn't be laying this on you

'cause you're ten, but I'm beginning to realize I might not be the guy I thought everybody thought I was.

Hmm.

Yeah.

It's a mind blower isn't it?

You see, the problem isn't with who I go out with, the problem is with me.

Your Uncle Charlie has some major trust issues with women.

It might have something to do with my relationship with my mom.

I understand.

Do you?

No, I'm just tired; I don't care anymore.

So we're cool?

Yeah.

Good.

Good night.

Uncle Charlie?

Yeah?

Does this mean you don't have nuts like a fox?

Yeah.

That's what it means.

[MICROWAVE DINGS]

Don't look at my tiles, Alan.

Scrabbleized, my sweet petootie.

He's a tile peeker.

Rose, listen, uh...

I think I owe you an apology.

You mean for seducing me with your roguish charms and then dumping me like a bag of old doorknobs?

That, and, more recently, uh...

I told Alan that you were being nice to him just to get close to me.

And I've come to realize that's my own paranoia about women trying to manipulate me, and I'm sorry that I projected that on you.

Oh, come here you big silly.

I forgive you.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

[LOUD KNOCKING]

I got to go.

Your brother is out of control with that egg timer.

You think maybe I could play with you guys?

It's fine with me, go ask Mr. That's-Not-A-Word.

Thanks.

And again, I'm sorry.

I'll be right there.

Phase One, complete.