09x01 - Mr. Garrison's Fancy New vag*na

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" I.

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Hello, Mr. Garrison.

I'm Dr. Biber.

I'll be performing your surgery today.

God bless you, Doctor.

I know you'll make me well again.

Now, you're absolutely sure you want to have a vaginoplasty?

My whole life, I've been a woman trapped in a man's body.

A sex-change operation is my last chance at happiness.

All right. Then let's begin.

Just relax, Mr. Garrison.

I think if more people could just see a sex-change operation, they would know how perfectly natural it is.

The first thing I'm going to do is slice your balls.

With the scrotum open, I can now discard of your testicles.

So long, balls.

Now I'll just continue the incision up the shaft of the penis.

Oh, that stings.

Now I'll just turn your penis inside out.

Whoa. Oh, geez.

All we need to do now is stuff the unskinned penis inside your pelvis.

And now I'll use the skin from your penis to make the vaginal lips.

Do I look like a woman?

Pretty much.

Dude, don't be nervous.

How can I not be nervous?

Trying out for the all-state team has been my dream for years.

You're the best player at our school.

You'll make the team for sure.

This is ridiculous. Jews can't play basketball.

I b*at out your fat ass, Cartman!

All students trying out for the all-state team to center court!

Good luck.

Hi, boys.

Now, you're all here because you're the best of the best.

I know that you've all worked really hard to make it this far.

Now let's get out there and show me what you got!

Uh, excuse me. B-Broflovski, is it?

Yeah?

Can we talk to you for a minute?

You, uh, you're the best player in your school, are you?

Yep! I love basketball.

I want to play for the Denver Nuggets someday!

Yeah. Uh, look, kid.

You've got great skills and a great attitude, but you're just not physically built for the game.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just that... Jews can't play basketball.

All right, kids!

We got to work on that sh**ting! Come on!

Dude, you were awesome, Kyle.

Look, y-you gave it your best sh*t, right?

That's all you could do.

Na-na na-na na-na.

Yo-o-o-o-u lost.

Kyle, I'm totally ripping on you at a totally inappropriate time.

I know. I deserve it.

Yeah. You know why?

Because Jews can't play basketball!

You're right.

Jesus. That's no fun.

Hey, everybody, you're not gonna believe it!

Believe what?

It's Mr. Garrison! O-Only it isn't Mr. Garrison!

H-He's a woman now!

Hello, everybody!

Can you believe it, ladies? I'm one of you now!

Wow! Just look at all these tampons!

Regular, heavy flow.

Oh, boy! I can't wait till I get my first period!

Hi, gals!

Oh, boy. Can you believe the sales they're having out there?

Well, I'm about to pee out my vag*na for the first time.

Give us a hug! Girls club!

All right. Here it goes.

Oh, wow! This is great! Look at that!

I'm peeing sitting down like a dainty, dignified little woman!

Say, any of you ladies want to go see a sad movie together?

You guys try those new Wings tampons?

Do those work well?

Kyle, you have to cheer up, dude.

So you aren't built right for basketball.

But I feel like a basketball player.

It's all I want to do!

Hello, boys!

It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison!

You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.

I had a sex-change operation.

My penis is now a vag*na, and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life!

See you in class!

Mom, Dad, what's a sex-change operation?

What? Uh, n-nothing.

I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.

But our teacher, Mr. Garrison...

He just had his penis made into a vag*na.

How come? Penis!

Your teacher had a sex change?! Oh, my God!

Vaginal.

That does it. I'm taking you boys out of that school!

Gerald, that is very close-minded of you.

You shouldn't judge people who want to change.

He's a teacher!

How are we supposed to explain this to our children?

It's very simple.

You see, Kyle, sometimes a person's outside doesn't reflect who they are on the inside.

Yeah! That's right!

They feel like they're somebody trapped in another person's body.

And so they can have a surgery that makes them more into the person they see themselves as.

Do you understand?

Totally! I totally understand!

There. You see, Gerald? He totally understands.

So, I hear you're interested in reconstructive surgery.

Yeah, my schoolteacher wanted to be a woman, and you made him into one.

Oh, yes. Mr. Garrison.

Uh, yes. He had a vaginoplasty.

Well, do you also do other surgeries like that?

Sure. You see, sometimes a woman wants to be a man.

That procedure is called a peniplasty.

No, no. I want to be tall and black.

You what?

I hate being small and Jewish. I feel like a tall black man.

Oh, you want a negroplasty!

Yeah! A-A negroplasty?!

It's a fairly common procedure, really...

Just the reverse of a caucasioplasty just like Michael Jackson had.

Let's take a look here.

What we do is slice your face and peel it back.

So we can insert new pigment-producing cells inside.

We break the arm bones in several places and put bracers to make them longer.

Now, the knees we need to snap off and fill with small, round objects that can cause better movement.

And we finish it off with a nice peniplasty to enhance the genitalia.

Negroplasty takes about seven hours and costs roughly $3,000.

Uh, excuse me. Is this really a good idea?

Well, it's a good idea if you want to be tall and black.

Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend it.

Hello, Mr. sl*ve!

Boy, have I been busy. A woman's work is never done.

I got some tampons.

I should be getting my period really soon.

Hope I don't get too emotional and drive you crazy with my PMS.

Mr. sl*ve, I got something for us, too.

Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed?

No, thanks.

N-No, thanks?

Come on, Mr. sl*ve.

I want to try out my new snootch.

I can't believe you just went ahead and had that surgery without even asking me what I thought.

Well, I assumed you supported me.

It's still me. I just have a vag*na instead of a penis.

But I'm gay. I don't like vaginas.

Don't you even care that I was suffering?

I wasn't happy the way I was!

It's great that you feel better, but you never stopped to think about how the people around you would feel!

Look, we can still be together.

All you have to do is stop being gay.

How can you say that?! You're gay, too!

I'm not gay! I'm a woman!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, so is that it?! You're just gonna walk out?

You men are all alike!

Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vag*na, you f*g!

Mom! Dad! I have awesome news!

The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex change said he can make me tall and black!

What?!

Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted!

He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery!

Oh, just great. You see, Sheila?

This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you!

Now your son wants to be transracial.

Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?

Absolutely not, Kyle!

But why not?

You said sometimes people need surgery to feel better about themselves.

Yes, but, Kyle...

Well, all my life, I've felt that I was black.

I listen to hip-hop, I watch UPN, and I love playing basketball.

My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.

Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.

Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?

The answer is no, Kyle!

You're not going to have negroplasty!

But Jews can't play basketball!

Kyle, you better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!

I'm never speaking to either one of you ever again!

Oh, that does it! Where are you going?

That Dr. Biber is about to get his ass bitten off!

Who the hell do you think you are?!

Dr. Biber.

What kind of nut job would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!

Oh, you're Kyle's father.

That's right, and I also happen to be a lawyer!

And I'm gonna have you sued for malpractice and your clinic shut down!

What is that on your shirt?

What the... They're... They're dolphins. Why?

Ah. You like dolphins, hmm?

I love dolphins.

Ever since I was a child, I've dreamt of...

Uh, b-but that hardly has any bearing on what I'm here to...

I can make you one.

What?

Invert the back, move the esophagus to the top of the head.

Yes, a full dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively simply.

Make me a... dolphin?

If I could swim with the dolphins.

The soft and gentle dolphins.

Why can't I swim with the dolphins?

No. No, no. It's crazy.

There's nothing crazy about a person wanting to look on the outside the way they feel on the inside.

It's "Girls Gone Wild"!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

These girls will do anything!

Oh, gee! Should I do it?

Should I do it? Oh, what the hell?

Look. I'll giggle and make them bounce up and down!

Oh, boy.

Men will do just about anything to get a look at our tits, won't they?

Men are all the same.

My boyfriend walked out on me.

Turns out he was a f*g.

But I've been living it up ever since, having sex with all kinds of different guys!

Girl power!

You know, the strange thing is I haven't gotten my period yet.

Is there a reason a woman might miss her period?

Well, normally if a woman misses her period, it means she's pregnant.

Pregnant?

Oh, my God.

Of course.

I haven't gotten to experience a period because one of those truckers I slept with got me knocked up.

I'm pregnant, everybody!

Oh, boy! Now I can have an abortion!

Gerald! What happened to you?!

That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila!

I-I'm the happiest I've ever been!

Look, lke! Your daddy's a dolphin!

A dolphin?!

Sheila, I-it was wrong of us to be so judgmental of Kyle.

If he isn't happy with who he is, then who are we to deny him surgery that will make him feel better about himself?

Gerald, this is crazy.

I used to think I was crazy.

But Dr. Biber told me that there are a lot of other people out there who are trans-species.

All I did is change my appearance to look the way I felt here.

And I'm telling you now that if we don't let Kyle do the same, he may never be happy, ever.

We owe him more than that, Sheila.

We owe him understanding!

Fellas!

Hey, fellas, you got to come see!

-What? It's Kyle!

He's a n*gro!

Wow.

I can't believe it. Did it hurt?

Yeah, but it was totally worth it.

Jesus Christ, dude!

Look, Stan! I'm finally whole!

My dad is even gonna take me back down to the all-star game to see if I can try out for the team again!

Come on, Kyle! We should get going!

All right, Dad!

Dude, is Kyle's dad a dolphin?

He's a Jewish dolphin... A Jewphin.

You here for an abortion, too?

Yeah, I discovered a few days ago I wasn't bleeding out my cooze, so I guess I'm knocked up.

Is this doctor any good?

Mrs. Garrison?

Oh, that's me.

Hello, Doctor. It looks like I need an abortion.

An abortion?

Yeah. I've got one growing inside me.

Are you gonna scramble its brains or just vacuum it out?

If you want, you can just scramble it, and I'll queef it out myself.

Mr. Garrison... Mrs. Garrison.

Mrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion.

Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body!

A woman has a right to choose!

No. I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion because you can't get pregnant.

But I missed my period.

You can't have periods, either.

You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but you don't have ovaries or a womb.

You don't produce eggs.

You mean... I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out?

That's right.

But I paid $5,000 to be a woman.

This would mean I'm not really a woman.

It's... I'm just a... I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!

Basically, yes.

Oh, boy, do I feel like a jackass.

Hey, assh*le!

Excuse me. I'm performing an operation here.

You told me you were gonna make me into a woman!

I gave you a sex change. Yeah?!

Well, what kind of woman can't have abortions and bleed out her snatch once a month?!

You made me into a freak is what you did, and I want you to change me back!

Am I a man yet?

Mr. Garrison, I can't reattach your organs.

Why the hell not?!

Because I've already used your testicles to fashion new knees for a little boy who wanted to be tall and black.

You what?!

And your scrotum has been made into a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to look more like a dolphin.

Oh, you...

You're coming with me to find my balls and scrotum right now, Mr. Man!

Welcome to the all-state basketball playoffs between the best fourth-grade players from Colorado and the best fourth-grade players from Wyoming.

Coach! Coach! I'm all better. I'm ready to play!

Who are you?

I-It's me, Kyle Broflovski. I had a negroplasty.

Can I play on the all-state team now?

Well, you're tall and black enough.

All right, Broflovski. Suit up!

All right!

Dad, I can play!

All right, Kyle!

Excuse me. Where do you have special seating for dolphins?

Boys, have you seen Kyle? He's not at home!

Kyle went down to play in the basketball game, Mrs. Garrison.

He's going to play basketball?

Oh, my God. What?

Well, I only made him look like he could play basketball.

If he actually does it, the testicles in his knees will explode.

What?! But you made him into a basketball player!

No, I just made him look more like one.

We have to stop him from playing.

Those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls!

Oh, Jesus!

Come on, boys.

We've got to get to my balls before Kyle hurts himself!

And the home of the brave.

Broflovski, be ready to take over for Owens.

I'm 100% ready, Coach!

E-Excuse me. Where... Where is the bathroom for dolphins?

We don't have one.

Well, where the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom?!

I-I need a large t*nk with saltwater!

Uh... too bad?

Damn it, you people have to make special arrangements for trans-species people like me.

I may be a dolphin, but I'm also a lawyer!

You're a lawphin?

Tickets, please.

We don't have tickets!

Sorry, ma'am. No tickets, no entry.

Look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees, and he's in serious danger!

What?

My scrotum!

That dolphin has my scrotum! Now let us in!

You can't go in, ma'am!

We have unauthorized entry on level 1!

All right, Broflovski. You're going in next possession.

All right!

Gerald, where's Kyle?!

What? Why? My balls are in his knees.

If he jumps with them, they'll explode!

Oh, my God!

There they are, next to that dolphin!

Come on. We got to get to those balls!

Stop them!

They didn't pay the $2 entry fee!

Now substituting for Colorado, number 4, Kyle Broflovski.

Oh, Jesus! He's about to play!

Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle!

Which one is he?

Hey, what the hell?

Stop the game!

I got it! I got the ball!

Kyle, no!

Broflovski goes for the dunk!

No!

My balls!

So let me get this straight.

That woman over there was trying to get to her balls, which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin.

Yeah, that's basically it.

Sounds like an open-and-shut case.

All right. Let's head 'em out!

I'm sorry, Kyle.

I should've told you the surgery was cosmetic only.

So does this mean I'm not really a dolphin?

Let's get you two up to the clinic, and I'll change you back for a nominal fee.

But what about Mr. Garrison? He can't go back.

You know what? I'm okay.

Even though I'm not truly a woman, I think I still like the new me.

I'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a f*g.

Hey, guys! This girl is staying a woman!

Who wants to pound my vag?!

Girl power!