09x08 - Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" I.

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Puh-pew! Puh-pew-pew-pew-pew!

Dude, you were right, Cartman.

Your Uncle Roy has a sweet boat.

Yeah. Isn't this fun?

Just you and me hanging out, Stan.

No stupid Kyle around.

Man, I wish I could really drive this thing.

You know how? Sure, I do.

Well, here.

Roy keeps the keys in the glove box.

Dude, I don't think your uncle would want us driving it.

Nobody's gonna know if we drive it around the marina real quick.

If anything happens, I'll take full responsibility.

Okay. Turn on the ignition.

Awesome.

Okay.

We're not moving.

Maybe you have the parking brake on!

Boats don't have parking brakes, dumb-ass.

They only have...

Oh, wait, wait. Neutral button.

Other way! Other way!

BI-bl-bl-bl! Bl-bl-bl-bl!

Jesus Christ!

Stan! Beaver dam!

Very large beaver dam, Stan!

Oh, dude. Oh, Jesus!

Dude. Stan. You are in serious trouble.

You said you'd take responsibility to your Uncle Roy.

I don't even have an Uncle Roy!

That was just some guy's boat I knew about.

What?! Look. It's okay.

We weren't here. This didn't happen, okay?

We were both at my house all afternoon long playing tea party, okay?

Now, come on! We got to bail!

Oh, God.

I hope I didn't hurt any beavers.

Dude, come on! We got to get out of here!

With an eye on America and all of today's events, it's "South Park Evening News," with Tom Pusslicker.

Peril, crisis, and fear tonight as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton, Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam.

Earlier today a break in the beaver dam which protected the town broke open, trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives.

Oh, my gosh. Those poor people.

Tom, I'm currently 10 miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper.

We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions.

Beaverton has only a population of about 8,000, Tom, so this would be quite devastating.

Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing?

W-We're not sure what exactly is going on inside the town of Beaverton, uh, Tom, but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and, yes, even acts of cannibalism.

My God. You've... You've actually seen people looting, raping, and eating each other?

No. No, we haven't actually seen it, Tom.

We're just reporting it.

You all done with your fish sticks, Stan?

I'll help you, Sharon.

Boy, that's just awful.

In the nearby town of South Park, the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated.

That's right. We know whose fault this is.

It's George Bush's fault!

Yeah!

George Bush doesn't care about beavers!

George Bush didn't break that beaver dam.

It was t*rrorists and al-Qaeda!

They've been secretly building beaver-dam WMDs for years now!

Yeah! That's right! Beaver dam WMDs!

Mom? Dad?

T-They're gonna go help those people, right?

I don't know.

You know, to me, it seems like the mayor of Beaverton should have done something about that dam years ago.

Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA?

I think this whole thing is really their fault.

Yeah, but, uh, s-somebody's gonna help the people off their... Their rooftops, right?

That's not important right now, son.

What's important is figuring out whose fault this is.

Dude... Dude, did you see the news last night?

Yeah.

You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?

Yeah. That was pretty funny.

Pretty funny?! Dude, we did that!

That was our fault!

Hey, hey. No, dog.

We aren't the ones who built a town beneath a giant beaver dam, okay?

That's their fault!

But they're trapped now, and nobody's helping them.

Well, they should have gotten out of there.

Maybe they couldn't get out.

We did.

Dude, I-I just... I don't know what to do here.

I-I know what you're thinking, Stan.

You're thinking you're gonna go tell Kyle.

Look, I know you think he's your best friend, but Kyle is a Jew rat.

He has his Jew ethics, while he hoards his greedy Jew gold, and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this!

Hey, dudes. Oh. Hey, Kyle.

Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday.

What did you guys do?

Nothing.

Totally.

Hey, everybody, they just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton!

Aw, crap!

Quiet, children. Quiet. We need to hear.

At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break.

But now shocking new evidence has indicated that the flood in Beaverton was caused by... global warming!

It now appears that all rumors of global warming were true.

We were warned this would happen, and... we didn't listen.

We didn't listen!

All the top Colorado geologists have gathered at the governor's office for an emergency meeting.

Ladies and gentlemen, if global warming has, in fact, already caused the Beaverton flood, then this is only the beginning.

The effects are going to spread.

What we are looking at is a global-warming catastrophe the likes of which we've never seen.

Oh, peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!

Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!

Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!

E-Excuse me, sir, but when?

When is this going to happen?

My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests, but we believe it may happen... the day after tomorrow.

Peas and carrots!

Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!

Uh, excuse me.

I'm sure we're all very impressed with your wild theories, Dr., uh, Marsh.

But the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists.

Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?

With all due respect, cliché dissenting Republican, the economy isn't going to matter the day after tomorrow.

Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!

Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!

Listen! Listen!

We finished running the tests.

Global warming is going to strike two days before the day after tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

That's today!

We didn't listen!

Stan! Get in the car! We have to evacuate!

We didn't listen!

Come on. Come on!

It's useless. This traffic isn't moving.

Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming?

I-I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam, after all.

No, Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down.

We didn't take care of our earth, and now you've inherited our problems!

We didn't listen!

We... We didn't listen!

Come on!

Everyone grab what you can. We have to walk.

Oh, Jesus! Here it comes!

Global warming!

It's coming! Here comes global warming!

We didn't listen!

Bl-bl-bl-bl!

Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!

Come on! Hurry!

It's right behind us!

It's coming the other way!

Go back! Go back!

Everyone into the community center! Hurry! Go!

Get inside! We have to close these doors!

Come on. We've got to board up that last window!

Seal up all the doorways!

We must try to protect ourselves from the global warming!

Mr. Garrison, are you all right?

I'm in pretty bad shape.

My leg is broken, and my left boob is leaking.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton are still trapped in the flood.

I know.

But I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie.

We have to try and save ourselves now.

Shh! Shh! We've got the television working.

This is a Fox News update! Global Warming Disaster!

Global warming appears to have struck, as predicted, in the Colorado Rockies.

All around the country, panic and chaos are settling in.

Tom, I'm standing just outside of Chicago, where the panic of global warming has already caused countless deaths.

Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago is over 600 billion people.

Oh, God.

This is all your fault, Jimbo!

Me? Yeah!

You drive that damn S.U.V. around!

You didn't even think about global warming, did you?!

Can you believe it, Stan?

I never thought global warming could happen so fast.

I guess... I didn't listen.

Kyle, it... it isn't global warming.

Global warming isn't happening right now.

It's... It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.

How do you know that?

Because I know what did cause the flood.

George Bush? No.

t*rrorists? No.

Communists? No.

Chinese radicals? No.

Cartman?

Sort of.

Cartman flooded Beaverton?!

Not... Not exactly.

We were messing around on this guy's new boat, and Cartman egged me on, and...

And I crashed it into the Beaverton dam.

Dude, you have to tell everyone right now!

Hey, Stan.

Oh, God damn it! You told Kyle, didn't you?!

Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on their roofs.

Nobody's helping because they think they can't go outside.

Oh, here we go. See? I told you.

If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?

Look, maybe... Maybe we can help those people in Beaverton ourselves.

How? Why?

We can sneak out of here, get a boat, and go help them off their roofs.

That way I can do the right thing, but still lie about it.

Listen! Listen, everyone!

Nobody can leave this building.

But we need supplies... Food, silicone.

You go outside, and you'll die.

By now the global warming has shifted the climate, bringing on a new ice age.

Within the hour, the temperature outside will fall to over 70 million degrees below zero.

Jesus.

All we can do is try to wait it out as long as we can.

And... the rest of the country?

Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the South.

Everyone above this line is already dead.

People like us, in the middle states, have to ride it out.

The balmy Southwestern states might have a chance, but New York will have tidal waves that envelop all of the Northeast.

What, Frank?

Oh! Oh, God damn it.

Hello?

Anybody?

We'd like to be rescued, please!

Any day now.

Why haven't they come for us?!

I-I don't know.

Wait! Look! Here comes a boat!

Really? Oh, it's about time!

Oh, Kevin! We're saved!

It looks like three little boys.

Hey, we'll take it! Over here! Yes!

Thank you! Thank you!

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

That's a lot better.

We can't get out! The flames are too big!

Oh, great. You see, Stan?

This is what you get for listening to Kyle.

"Oh, you got to help those people.

It's your responsibility.” Stan, it's over.

You have to admit what you did so our parents can help us.

Stan?

Stan?!

Randy, we've looked everywhere! Kyle's missing, too!

Oh, my God! Where would they go?

Randy! Randy! Your son's on the phone.

Stan?

Uh, hey, Dad.

Stan, you're alive!

Dad, we're... We're trapped in Beaverton.

We... We were trying to save everyone.

Stan, listen to me. You must stay indoors.

Do not try to go out.

Global warming has brought in a new ice age!

No. Dad, listen. I need to tell you something.

What is it, son?

Nothing.

Can you just come get us, please?

You just stay put, son! I'm coming for you!

Do you hear me?! I'm coming for you!

Randy, w-where are you going?

I'm going to Beaverton.

You can't go out there. You'll freeze to death!

My son is counting on me.

I'm going with you.

You can't go out there. You'll freeze to death!

You can't do this alone!

Let me go, too.

You can't go out there. You'll freeze to death.

All right. Come on, both of you.

We've got to pull together every warm piece of clothing we can find.

Steven!

Steven, you have to keep moving!

I can't go on.

Feel so... hot!

Feeling warmth is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia!

Oh, Jesus!

I feel warm, too!

Yeah, me too.

Steven! We've got to keep moving!

We're in deep hypothermia, all of us!

We've got to keep the blood flowing!

Maybe we should strip these jackets off a-and warm our bodies next to each other!

Don't be a f*g!

Come on! We can make it!

We have to try!

Come on, people. We're running out of time.

We need all Army helicopters to the Southern states for evacuation now!

Sir, more people in Beaverton are calling.

They say they're trapped in floods and fire now.

Tell them that the government can't help them, but that we're very sorry.

You know the plan, people.

We can only evacuate citizens below this line.

E-Excuse me, General. What?!

We've just compiled some new information.

The flood in Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all.

What?

We know the truth now. We know what caused it.

Oh, my God.

Quick! Radio the helicopters!

Help! Help!

Dude, this whole building is going to collapse!

We have to find a way out!

Don't worry, everyone.

The government is here to save you.

Oh, wow. Thank you so much.

What a swift and speedy rescue.

Come on! We got to get to the roof!

Oh, Jesus! We have to hurry!

I-It's helicopters!

They finally came to help everyone!

Not so fast, Kyle.

What are you doing?

Hand over the gold.

What gold?!

You know what I'm talking about!

No, Cartman, I have no idea what you're talking about.

All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks.

Hand it over! Guys, come on!

Jews do not carry gold in a little bag around their necks, Cartman.

Stop playing around!

I'm not playing around, Kyle.

If we survive this, I don't intend to live in poverty.

Give me your Jew gold now!

Dude, we don't have time for your stupid jokes.

We're gonna die!

Yes, but you can live if you give me your Jew gold.

The decision is yours, Kyle.

God damn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman!

What do you want from me?!

I want your Jew gold.

Okay. Fine. Herel.

Now let's go!

Do you think I'm stupid?

I know all Jews carry fake bags of gold around their necks to keep the real bags of gold around their necks safe.

Hand over the real Jew gold, Kyle!

Nol! No-o-o!

Hey! Wait up, you assholes!

God!

Hey! Look, everybody! Helicopters!

T-They've got the boys!

Global warming must be over.

We made it!

Stanley!

Kyle!

Stan?

We found Stan!

So does... does this mean the storm has passed?

Global warming's over?

Global warming didn't cause the Beaverton flood.

We know now whose fault it is.

It was... crab people.

Crab people, crab people.

Tastes like... Stop it! Stop it!

First it was t*rrorists, then George Bush and global warming, and now you're all blaming crab people for something that's very simple.

It's my fault. I broke the dam.

Aw, man.

Stanley, you?

No.

Don't you see what this child is saying?

We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens.

He's saying we all broke the dam.

No. I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

No, I broke the dam.

And I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I ran a boat into the dam, and I broke it.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

No! I broke the f*cking dam!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I literally broke the dam!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

On a boat that wasn't mine!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

I kept it secret for two days!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

The boat caught on fire, and it exploded!

I broke the dam.

I broke the dam.

Oh f*ck it!