09x12 - Trapped in the Closet

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" I.

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Oh, dude, check it out! I got a Jake Plummer.

Aw, man. I got a crappy A.J. Feeley again.

How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?

I can't spend any money.

I'm saving up for that bike I want.

Ha! Saving money! Duh!

So, what should we do now? It's Saturday.

We have to have as much fun as possible.

Hey, I know. Let's go play laser tag at Funplex.

Mrph rmh!

No. I don't want to spend any money, you guys.

Let's just do something fun that's free.

Stan, don't you know the first law of physics?

Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

Yeah, dude. Nothing fun is free.

Well, I can't spend any money.

Okay, be a Jew. We're gonna go play laser tag.

Yeah. See yal.

Hello. Would you like to take a personality test?

It's fun and it's free.

Excuse me?

We're doing free personality tests today.

What do I have to do?

Have you heard of Scientology?

It's all based on the book "Dianetics."

A lot of really cool people are Scientologists, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Why don't you come on in and we'll get your fun, free personality test started?

Let's just find an empty room here.

Lots of people getting free tests today.

Hey, Brian!

Hey, Kelly! How's it going?

Great. I want you to meet my new friend, Stan.

Hey there! How are you?

Fine.

Brian's gonna give you your personality test and then let you know some things about Scientology.

Good times. Good times.

Look, is this a religion?

Because my family is, like, Catholic or something.

Oh, that's not a problem at all.

Scientology is more of an alternative to psychology than a religion.

Then how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?

Oh, that's just this thing.

What's the Denver Broncos' record now, 6-27?

7-2.

Wow! That's great!

All right. Come on in and take a seat.

We're gonna have some fun.

All right. I'm just gonna ask you a few questions.

Just answer these as truthfully as you can, all right?

Okay. Number one...

Do you ever make remarks which you later regret?

Uh... sure?

Would you rather give orders than take them?

Yeah.

Do you ever whistle just for the fun of it?

Okay.

And, finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you?

Yes.

Okay, Stan. Well, that's it.

That's the end of the personality test.

So, how'd I do?

Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan, but... you are one messed-up kid.

Yeah.

I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.

I am? I didn't know that!

Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.

I think it can really make you happy again.

W-What do I do?

It's very simple.

We just need $240.

Stanley, you haven't touched your food.

What's the matter with you?

I'm totally depressed.

What? Why? I don't know.

Well, how long have you been feeling this way?

I'm not sure.

But... need $240.

$2407? What'd you do, break something?

No. I found a self-help program that can cure me.

Oh, Jesus. The answer is no, Stanley.

But I'm completely miserable, and these people can help.

Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable.

Neither did I!

Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all?

Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Don't you care that I'm depressed?

What if I become suicidal or...

Or become an alcoholic like Grandpa?

Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan, why don't you take what you have out of your bicycle savings?

Well, but... But that's my money.

Well, just like the rest of us, you have to make choices with your money.

You want a bike or do you want to not be depressed?

Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing.

Oh, good for you! You're gonna be so happy.

I hope so.

It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Stan.

See you afterwards.

Great. So, do you have the $240?

Perfect! We're on our way.

Come on over here, and I'll fill you in on how the Church of Scientology works.

You see, Stan, Scientology was founded by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard.

Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things called body thetans.

Reall y? Yes!

And being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans.

This is called an e-meter.

It's the main tool of Scientology.

You just grab hold of these handles as I talk you through past experiences in your life.

I'll be taking readings here, and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels.

Thetan levels.

Come on in the auditing room, and I'll show you how it works.

All these people are just like you, Stan, auditing with e-meters to get rid of their negative emotions.

All right, Stan.

I want you to just relax and take hold of the e-meter handles.

So, this is gonna make me happy?

Just take a few deep breaths, and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels.

That's... That's strange.

What?

Some... Something's wrong.

Brian, could you come over here a second?

Yeah. Oh, hey there, Greg!

Stan.

Will you look at his thetan levels?

Huh. Well... Well, get another e-meter.

This one's obviously broken.

Sorry about this, Greg.

And so we just try to analyze your personality.

And if it seems like you need some help, then you can have audit counseling for a nominal fee.

Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay.

Mike, I need to talk to you.

Excuse me, sir. I'll be right back.

Are you all right? You're sweating!

Take a look at this. What is it?

The e-meter results from the little boy in room D.

This... This can't be right.

We ran the test four times.

We used four different e-meters.

Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles.

The president has to see this right away.

Go! Now!

The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir.

Sir, how can it be that a first-timer scores that kind of thetan level?

He registered O.T. 9.

I'm only O.T. 7, and I've been in the church all my life!

I've waited 42 years for this day.

Sir?

Don't you all see what this means?

There's only one person who ever registered O.T. 9 in the history of our church.

L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives, that when he d*ed, his thetan would show itself again.

Our prophet has returned.

Uh, Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed.

I took out the garbage yesterday.

Right now, Stan.

Stupid, dumb garbage.

There he is!

Thank you for returning!

He's wonderful. He's wonderful.

Stan, what the hell did you do?

I don't know!

Hello, young man.

I'm the head of Scientology.

It is... a great honor to meet you.

All right. What the hell is going on here?

We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh.

He is the reincarnation of our church's most sacred prophet.

What?

Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing in his second coming.

Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay?

We're not asking him to join us.

We're asking him to lead us.

Oh, my God. It's John Travolta.

Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is?

Oh, my God!

Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists.

Do you believe me now?

Young man, I know you don't remember it, but your name was L. Ron Hubbard.

You revealed a secret which began the whole Church of Scientology.

Okay, Stan. It's late.

Go up to your room and get ready for bed.

Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.

Jesus Christ.

L. Ron?

L. Ron!

It really is you!

Oh, this is the greatest day of my life.

Aw, dude, I need to go to bed.

Don't you understand, L. Ron?

It's me... Tom Cruise!

Yeah, I know who you are.

Haven't I done well, L. Ron?

Haven't you enjoyed my acting?

Which film did you like best?

Well, I mean, you're not... you're not, like, as good as Leonardo DiCaprio, but you're okay, I guess.

What?

I mean, you're not Gene Hackman or that guy that played Napoleon Dynamite, but you're okay.

I'm nothing.

I'm a failure in the eyes of the prophet!

Hey! Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Go away!

Dude, this is my room!

Go away, I said!

Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

What?

Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet, and he won't come out.

Mr. Cruise?

Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.

No.

Come on, Mr. Cruise. This is ridiculous.

I'm never coming out!

What did you say to him?

I just told him I thought the "Napoleon Dynamite" guy is a better actor than he is. Oh, boy.

Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, all right?

You need to come out.

What's going on?

Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.

What? Just leave me alone!

Well, we can't leave you alone because you won't come out of the closet.

It's been four hours now, and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet.

Hundreds of onlookers have gathered here in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in.

Tom Cruise, this is Park County police.

Please come out of the closet.

Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom.

Nobody's gonna be mad. Everything's gonna be all right.

Just come out of the closet.

We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet, but I'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.

Well, I was just standing here.

And Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet.

And I ask myself.

"Why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?"

But nobody has no answers.

And so I pull out my g*n.

Tell me why Tom Cruise in the closet.

Or else I'm gonna sh**t someone.

Please understand we just want what is best for your son.

The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of.

He had many enemies.

Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?

Yes, but he was also a prophet who knew the secret truth about the nature of life.

This is just too much.

We want to reveal to Stan the great secret of life behind our church, the safely guarded Scientology doctrine.

Please. Your son deserves to be enlightened.

Stan, do you want to hear the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology?

Sure.

All right. Go ahead and tell him.

Would you excuse us, please?

This is highly classified Church information.

Aw, rats.

Usually, to hear the secret doctrine, you have to be in the church for several years, Stan.

Are you ready to hear the truth?

I-I guess.

You see, Stan, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed...

An alien reason.

It all began 75 million years ago.

Back then, there was a galactic federation of planets, which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu.

Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated, and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets and then had those aliens frozen.

The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines.

The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii.

The aliens were no longer frozen.

They were dead.

The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky.

But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.

Xenu didn't want their souls to return, and so he built giant soul catchers in the sky!

The souls were taken to a huge soul-brainwashing facility which Xenu had also built on Earth.

There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material, which tricked them into believing a false reality.

Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion.

At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they could grab on to.

They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems.

L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing, telling the world this incredible truth.

Now all we're asking you to do is pick up where he left off.

But I don't know any of this stuff.

Neither did L. Ron when he started.

He said he just closed his eyes and wrote down whatever came to mind.

You can do the same. Just let it flow.

Okay. I'll try.

I just wish I could write in my room, but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.

I know.

We've sent Nicole Kidman up to see if she can help.

Tom? Tom, it's Nicole.

H-Hi, Nicole.

Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough?

It's time for you to come out of the closet.

I'm not... I'm not in the closet.

Yes, you are, Tom.

And you need to just end this and come out.

I'm not gonna think any differently of you.

Katie's not gonna think any differently of you.

You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom.

I'm not in here, though.

Yes, you are.

I'm not... I'm not in a closet.

Then how am I talking to you, Tom?

Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting.

Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone.

But I'm not... I'm not in here.

Yeah. Yeah!

Hey, Stan. We're gonna go to the movies.

I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.

Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned about this cult you're getting into.

Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle!

I've read all this stuff, and it's based on fact.

Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was a science-fiction writer.

He lived on a boat with only young boys and got busted by the feds numerous times.

I did not!

Those are rumors put out by people who are afraid because they don't know the secret truth!

What secret truth?

I can't tell unless you pay for a few years of audit counseling.

All I know is I was depressed before, and now I've found meaning.

I didn't know you were depressed.

Neither did I.

But now if you guys can't accept this great thing I belong to, then I suppose we're no longer friends.

Stan, I just want you to know that I still hate Kyle more than you.

Tom! Hey, Tom. It's John Travolta.

Oh, hey, John.

Tom, you got to come out of the closet. Oh, my God.

L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.

M-Maybe you took what he said out of context.

Okay.

It's like, if you don't come out, can I at least come in and talk to you?

Well... okay. But no tricks.

No tricks.

Hey, it's really nice in here.

Yeah. See?

I feel really safe. Oh, my God.

Hello?

Hey, come out of there!

Tom, it now appears that John Travolta is also in the closet and he refuses to come out!

Here with more details once again is R. Kelly.

I was just standing here.

Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet.

Then John Travolta come.

And now John Travolta in the closet, too.

Please, Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Come out of the closet.

But then I calm myself down.

And I pull out my g*n.

Oh, Jesus! Here we go with the g*n again.

If Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Don't come out of the closet I'm gonna cap this bitch.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, this is great, Stan.

I wrote that, um... our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers.

Yes, of course. It's so wonderful.

And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu has recently broken out of galactic jail.

Yes. Of course!

And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong.

What?

I realized that to really be a church, we can't charge people for help.

What are you, stupid?

Then how do we make money from those people?

Well, it's not about the money.

It's about the message, right?

Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa!

You don't actually believe this crap, do you?

Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?!

E-meters and thetan levels?!

Those people out there buy that crap, but I thought you were smart enough to see what was really going on.

But you said that there was...

What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?

Having them pay you for it, stupid!

But then... why me?

Why do you need me to write something so badly?

Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, then they'll all buy your new writings, and you and I together will make $3 million!

$3 million?

That's how a scam works!

But this is a scam on a global scale.

Do you f*cking get me now?

Yeah. Yeah, I get you.

Then keep writing, L. Ron. Your people are waiting.

Breaking news here in South park.

Tom Cruise and John Travolta still will not come out of the closet.

Park County police have decided to try a new method.

Now, I've been asked to come up here.

And get you both out of the closet.

Man, this is some crazy sh*t.

Why won't you both just come out the closet?

And they said.

We're not coming out the closet.

So you can just go away.

But everyone wants you out the closet.

That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay.

Now I'm starting to get angry.

So I pull out my g*n I'm gonna give you count to three.

To open this closet door.

One, I'm gonna sh**t you both.

Two, I'm gonna cap some bitch.

Three...

Now I'm in the closet.

Now I'm in the closet, too.

My fellow Scientologists...

Our prophet has finished his new doctrine and will now read some passages before making it available to you all for a nominal fee.

I give you... the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard!

Uh, thanks.

So, first of all...

I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts are actually from a galaxy called Nubunon.

Nubunon!

And uh... uh...

I-I can't do this.

What?

Look, everybody.

We're all looking for answers, you know?

We all want to understand who we are and where we come from, but sometimes we want to know the answers so badly that we believe just about anything.

What?

I'm not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.

And... Scientology is just a big fat global scam.

We are gonna sue you!

What? Yeah!

You think you can say our religion is a lie?

We'll sue you, buddy!

You told me it was a lie!

Oh, now you're putting words in my mouth!

You are so sued!

You can't make fun of Scientology, kid.

We are gonna sue your ass and your balls.

Yeah! That's right!

How dare you mock our faith, you little punk?

You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow!

We've just had an incredible development here, Mitch.

Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly have all come out of the closet!

So, you're not the prophet, huh?

You made me look stupid. I'm gonna sue you, too!

Well, fine! Go ahead and sue mel!

I will! I'll sue you in England!

You are so sued, kid!

Well, go on, then! Sue me!

We're going to!

Okay! Good! Do it!

I'm not scared of you!

Sue mel!