[theme music]
♪ What ever happened to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to livin' here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird that knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
[thunder crashing]
‐ Aah! ‐ Aah!
(Danny) 'Joey!'
What's going on down here?
What's with all the screaming?
Danny, this psycho was about to mash my potato.
I was not. I heard a noise down here.
‐ I thought it was a prowler. ‐ Liar.
Shh!
Follow me. It's over here.
‐ Hello? ‐ Oh!
Don't ever say hello to your father like that again.
Do you guys play baseball every night after we go to sleep?
Well, actually, girls, um..
...your Uncle Jesse's holding a bat because he's a wee bit miffed at me.
A wee bit miffed?
I'm miffed off.
When I think about what you did to me tonight‐‐ Come on, Jesse, let's let bygones be bygones.
Alright. Bye. You're gone.
I don't know what's going on here but why don't you guys just stop this and..
...give each other a hug?
A high five?
I'm not in the mood.
You know why? I'll tell you why.
It's all because of a little story entitled
"Mean Mr. Joey stabs sweet, innocent Uncle Jesse in the back."
‐ Story time. ‐ Yeah.
Girls, you don't want to hear "Mean Mr. Joey stabs sweet, innocent Uncle Jesse in the back," do you?
Yeah. It's got a great title.
Alright, one quick story.
But don't even think about staying up to watch "Letterman."
This better be PG.
It all started last week.
The exterminator business was slow so I decided to start teaching guitar.
I was waiting for my new student to show up.
[guitar music]
♪ She's a lady ♪ Alright, she's not.
♪ She's a woman ♪
♪ She's a muchacha ♪
Maybe she's a man.
Uncle Jesse.. there's a girl here to see you.
This one's great.
Oh. That must be my new guitar student.
Yeah, right.
Come on in!
Hi.
[strums]
I'm Corinna Spicer.
I'm Jesse Cochran.
I'm outta here.
Corinna?
That's‐that's a real pretty name.
So, welcome to the, uh, Jesse Cochran school of music.
‐ I'll take this, please. ‐ Thanks.
Interesting decor.
I don't meet a lot of men with little pink bunnies on their walls.
I'm also a mouseketeer.
I like that in a man.
Good, because today is "anything can happen" day.
Here, take a seat.
Why? Because we like you.
‐ I k*ll myself. ‐ Uh.
But, Jesse, I have to warn you.
I have absolutely no musical experience.
I teach second grade and I wanna accompany my kids on sing‐alongs.
That's wonderful!
You get to work with children.
I love youngsters.
‐ Uncle Jesse‐‐ ‐ Not now.
Aww.
Aww!
Poor Mr. Teddy.
I'll tell you what, as soon as we're done I'll help you sew Mr. Teddy's head right back on to Mr. Teddy's body.
Okay, honeybunch, sugar pie?
Honeybunch? Sugar pie?
This is weird.
[laughing]
You're pretty.
Watch him.
[chuckles] My little niece.
I could just..
Okay..
Back to music.
Alright, now.
I'm gonna teach you two simple chords.
And in no time you're gonna be playing a song. Alright?
First chord, it's an A chord.
[chuckles]
A chord!
You're real pretty when you smile like that.
Sorry. B‐back to music.
[clears throat] Anyway, the next chord would be a D chord.
Which is this note, this note, and that note.
Try that.
Um..
[guitar strums]
Perfect. Good.
You now have more musical knowledge than Twisted Sister.
With those two chords, you can play 374 tunes including such campfire favorites as..
♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪
♪ Hang down your head ♪
♪ Wise men say ♪
♪ Only fools rush in ♪
♪ But I ♪
♪ I just can't help ♪
♪ Falling in love ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪ Everybody sing along.
♪ Poor boy you're bound to die ♪ There's that chord again. Very nice.
Let's try the strum.
This one, that one, this one, that one. Good.
(Jesse) After the lesson, I invited Corinna out for a little ride on my motorcycle.
Seven hours later..
‐ Wa! ‐ Wa!
That's the power laugh. That's good.
You wanna stay and have a drink?
Oh, I really can't. I have other plans.
But thank you for a great day.
A guitar lesson, a picnic by the bay.
Candlelight dinner in the wine country.
You do this for all your students?
Well, that was the deluxe lesson.
That will be $475.
‐ The check's in the mail. ‐ Alright.
I'll see you next lesson, Wednesday night?
Okay.
Corinna.
I had a really nice time today.
‐ Ew! ‐ Ew!
Those are my nieces.
‐ Bye, Jesse. ‐ Bye, Corinna.
Have mercy.
Don't ever "Ew" when your uncle's kissing.
[giggling]
Joey, this was actually cleaner when food was cooking in it.
Jesse, we saved you some chili.
Not hungry.
Oh, brother, not again.
Okay..
What's her name?
Corinna.
Corinna?
Don't you ever meet a Debbie or a Susie?
Okay, fine. You guys crack all the jokes you want.
But I'm telling you..
...when our eyes met, there was magic.
With you there's always magic because you wear a top hat and pull white doves out of your pants.
Fine. That's fine.
In Jesse's defense..
...when it comes to love..
...I think anything is possible.
I felt the same instant magic when I met Pam.
She walked into my 10th grade geometry class sat down right next to me, and I said..
[high‐pitched] "Hi. Can I borrow your slide rule?"
You didn't reach puberty by the 10th grade?
Not till I met Pam.
The next morning I woke up with a mustache.
I'm sorry. No sale, boys.
Love just does not happen that fast.
Hey, guys, you know how I know it's real?
I can't stop smiling.
I'm just smiling away like I'm Nancy Reagan.
I just can't stop smiling.
I stopped, thanks to him.
But Corinna and me were madly in love.
We did see him kissing.
‐ Ew! ‐ Ew!
Jesse, please stop making out in front of my kids.
Mr. Back‐stabber..
...why don't you tell everybody what you did today?
Well, I woke up, turned off the alarm did that stretching thing‐‐ Not the stretching thing, the back‐stabbing thing!
Hey, could you pick up the pace a little bit?
I'd like to get the girls to bed before "Good morning, America."
Well, it was stormy, and..
...me and Danny and the girls were getting ready to watch "The Wizard of Oz."
Here we go. Popcorn du jour.
All in honor of Stephanie's first viewing of "The Wizard of Oz."
I'm psyched.
You should be, honey. It's the sweetest little movie.
There's this pretty girl Dorothy and she's got this adorable dog Toto who gets kidnapped by this horrible witch.
But she gets her dog back and her house flies through the air and then it‐it lands on this other horrible witch whose feet curl up like party favors.
[doorbell rings]
Trust me, honey. It's the sweetest little movie.
Hi. I'm, uh, Joey. Can I help you, please?
‐ I'm here to see Jesse. ‐ Aren't they all?
I'm Corinna Spencer. I have a guitar lesson.
Oh, Jesse called to say he's running a little bit late.
Uh, would you like to watch "The Wizard of Oz" with us?
Oh, that's my favorite movie. Yeah.
Uh, it's mine, too. Come on in.
Uh, Corinna, this is Danny, Stephanie, DJ, and Michelle.
‐ Corinna. ‐ Hi.
‐ Hi. ‐ Hi.
[thunder rumbling]
Oh, dad, something happened to the TV.
It's snowing in Kansas.
The cable goes out every time there's a storm.
Fix it.
Steph, this is not something I can fix.
Fix it.
Steph, I'm gonna call the cable company.
You'll get a busy signal.
Fix it.
Why wasn't I born a cable repairman?
Hey, no problem. I do that "Wizard of Oz" bit in my act.
Somebody do something. I'm very upset.
Okay, everybody gather around for "The Wizard of Oz."
Grab a seat right in front. Here we go.
[imitating wind]
[high‐pitched] Dorothy, Dorothy!
[higher‐pitched] Aunty Em, Aunty Em!
A twister! A twister! A twister!
[cackling]
[imitating wind]
[imitating owl hooting]
Oh, it sure is scary around these parts.
There's probably lions and tigers and bears.
Oh, my. Come on, you guys.
(both) Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my!
Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my!
Rruuff! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Put 'em up. Put 'em up.
♪ If I were king of the forest ♪ Ha ha ha.
I am the great and powerful Oz!
Ssss! I'm melting! Melting!
I feel like...butter.
You've always had the power to get back to Kansas.
Just click your heels together three times and say..
"There's no place like home. There's no place like home.
'There's no place like home."'
[imitating wind]
Ah! Dorothy, wake up.
Your teeth are finished.
[clapping]
Well, what did you think?
Fix it!
Oh, Joey, I loved it.
Yeah. That was an incredible simulation.
I hope you don't feel bad when I rent the tape tomorrow.
Okay, girls, come on.
It's time to get you into your pajamas and ready for bed.
‐ Aww. ‐ Aww.
This should only take five or six hours.
‐ 'Goodnight, Joey.' ‐ 'Goodnight, Joey.'
‐ 'Goodnight.' ‐ 'Goodnight.'
[chuckles] Oh, great kids.
Yeah, they're the greatest kids in the history of kids.
I love how children are so open and natural.
I think that's why I went into teaching.
That's why I refuse to grow up.
Oh, you seem pretty grown up to me.
[chuckles] Who? Me?
The guy who keeps Abe Lincoln on a stick in his bedroom?
Joey, you are so funny.
I‐I think that a sense of, uh, humor is a very sexy quality in a man.
Your girlfriend must adore you.
Oh, I don't‐I don't have a girlfriend.
‐ You're not seeing anybody? ‐ Well, sort of.
I'm seeing the dentist next Wednesday.
Well, if things don't work out between you and the dentist..
...maybe you and I could get together.
Well, Dr. Hoffman's pretty cute but he is married.
So, uh, pick a time.
How about right after my guitar lesson with Jesse?
Jesse. Corinna.
Jesse...yeah.
Uh, yeah. Excuse me.
I'm gonna go check on something in the kitchen.
‐ Can I give you a hand? ‐ Uh, no. I'm doing fine.
Okay. Okay.
What exactly are you checking on?
Oh, I'm just doing some, uh, random checking.
There's salt, pepper.
Duck.
Stove.
Sink. Faucet.
Jesse's girl.
Well, everything checks out.
You know, he's really crazy about you.
Yeah, well, Jesse's really a terrific guy and we had a really nice day together.
But to be honest, there was nothing really special between us.
That's not exactly how Jesse puts it.
And if there's one thing in life that's sacred..
...you never mess with a buddy's girl.
But I'm not his girl.
All Jesse and I had between us was one little innocent kiss goodbye.
It was nothing, really.
It was one of these.
Oh, that right there, that was‐that was nothing.
It's how I kiss my grandmother.
You must be very close.
It was like four lips shaking hands.
Look, I know. We can try it again.
[thunder crashing]
Oh, good. You're home.
[thunder rumbling]
(Joey) So where was I?
I came in and found you kissing the woman of my dreams.
Oh, yeah.
Good memory.
'So there we were.'
Jesse had walked in to find me kissing the woman of his dreams.
Oh, good. You're home.
What the hell's going on here?
Well, Jesse, actually, it's‐it's very simple.
Um, Corinna was choking on some bad cheese so I initiated a Heimlich maneuver.
And when that didn't work I tried to suck out the cheese..
...using the hoover maneuver.
So you weren't kissing?
You were searching for cheese?
You look upset.
Oh, why would I be upset?
You saving the life of someone who's very special to me.
‐ Jesse‐‐ ‐ Oh, Corinna, please.
Now, I'm not really in the mood to give a guitar lesson tonight.
Besides, you're probably still reeling from that near death by cheese.
Why don't you go home and practice?
Jesse, wait a minute.
There's something I have to say.
Corinna really wasn't choking on any bad cheese.
No!
We were kissing.
No!
Corinna, Joey and I should probably, uh.. have a word together alone.
Look, I'm‐I'm really sorry if there's any misunderstanding.
I didn't mean to cause any trouble.
Oh, there won't be any trouble.
Jesse and I are very close friends.
We'll have a heart to heart and work this thing out in a very calm, rational, adult manner.
Come here! Come here, you!
Freeze!
I have a baby and I know how to use it.
‐ Joey‐‐ ‐ I'm warning you, she's loaded.
Put the baby down.
Not a chance.
Good.
Okay, fine. I'll wait.
You've got to put the kid down sometime.
Two or three days, that diaper's gonna weigh five to six hundred pounds.
Jesse, I'm really sorry.
I should have stopped everything cold before anything happened.
I should have talked to you.
‐ Really? ‐ Yeah, you‐you were right.
I‐I felt this instant magic and I fell in love with her.
You fell in love with her?
You can't fall in love with her, man.
I fell in love with her first!
I'm sorry, but she likes me more.
How can she like you more than she likes me?
Boys, stop this.
Michelle has enough love for all of us.
Don't make her choose.
Now, both of you, give her a kiss.
Go ahead. Give her a kiss.
[Michelle cooing]
So now a second woman had come between us.
I wanted to talk things out but Jesse said he couldn't stand to look at me.
Apparently, a Louisville slugger puts him in the mood for a conversation.
I told you I heard a noise. I wasn't gonna bat you.
Alright, girls, it's time to go to sleep.
Your Uncle Jesse and Joey have told you a wonderful bedtime story.
I'm sure you'll have visions of jealous little sugarplums dancing in your heads.
Wait a minute. How does the story end?
Well, Joey's guilt drives him totally insane.
But no one knows the difference.
I don't think so.
Wake us up and tell us who gets the girl.
There's a whole different world that starts the second we go to sleep.
‐ Goodnight. ‐ Goodnight.
Guys, come here.
What do you want now?
Before you guys duel to the death let's have one more conversation to work this out.
Not with this scum.
Okay, then, just talk to me.
Let me ask you boys a question or two about your beloved Corinna.
What are the things she cares about most in the world?
What does she look for in a relationship with a man?
Let's try this one. What color are her eyes?
‐ Hazel. ‐ Green.
Green‐hazel, hazel‐green.
They have white around the edge, I think.
Anybody know her last name?
‐ Spicer. ‐ Spicer.
Pat Sajak knows more about his contestants.
You know, I don't think..
...you fell in love with Corinna.
That takes time.
I think maybe you fell in love with being in love.
Am I right, Jesse?
I do seem to fall in love a lot.
But it's just because I'm always hoping that this is the one.
I just want to meet one nice, special girl I can spend my life with.
Aw, Jesse.
Everybody wants that.
But you don't have to try so hard.
When the right woman comes along..
...you really will know it.
I could have sworn Corinna was it.
[sighs] Maybe I did go a little overboard.
I guess I was just shocked that she liked me as much as I liked her.
Why are you shocked?
Have a little faith in yourself.
You're a good guy.
As much as I hate to admit it..
...it seems like Corinna likes you more than she likes me.
God, I hate to admit it.
Alright, you're not scum.
I know that comes from your heart, Jess.
That was almost semi‐touching.
[Corinna sneezes]
You hear that noise? I told you someone's out here.
‐ Hi. ‐ Corinna?
What are you doing here? Come in.
I‐I really felt terrible about tonight and I came back to apologize.
'But then I heard shouting, so I decided to go home.'
Then I felt even worse, so I decided to come back.
Look...you both are great guys and I would hate to do anything to mess up your friendship.
I'm really sorry.
Okay, now I'm going to go home again. Goodbye.
Hold on a second.
I may have met you first but I...think we all know who belongs together here.
Why don't you take some time and..
...get to know Joey.
He's a good guy.
He's got pajama problems, but..
I love this guy.
Hug her, not me.
‐ Sorry. ‐ Big dummy.
Come on, Jesse, let's leave these two alone.
[exhales heavily]
By the way..
...what were you really gonna do with the bat?
I was gonna k*ll him.
That's what I would have done.
‐ Ew! ‐ Ew!
‐ Goodnight. ‐ Goodnight.
‐ 'Goodnight.' ‐ Goodnight.
[theme music]