[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy evening TV ♪
♪ How did I get to living it here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean as you've ever seen ♪
♪ There ain't a bird who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪ ♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie do bah bah dah ♪
[instrumental music]
Alright, now let's try the A‐minor‐seventh chord which is the first finger.
Okay. First fret. Relax, relax.
First fret, third string. There you go.
This finger goes there. That finger..
I almost have it.
If I only had one more finger.
Alright. Give it a try. Let's hear it.
[discordant music]
That was very good.
That was very close to music.
Not close enough.
Kimmy, I swear, I'm gonna learn how to play this thing.
Now, don't forget, starting The Bracelets was my idea.
That's why it would be so tragic to have to replace you.
Kimmy, do me a favor. Don't help.
Alright, let's uh, let's do the song "Venus", alright?
Let's do the tune, okay? You start it.
Go ahead, D. J., go ahead.
[discordant music]
Good. That's good. That's very good.
["Venus" music]
Sing it, kid.
♪ The goddess on a mountaintop ♪ Oh, lay it down, child.
♪ Is burnin' like a silver flame ♪
(Jesse) 'Burn it down to the ground.'
♪ Summit of beauty and love ♪ Love.
♪ And Venus was her name ♪
♪ Ow she's got it ♪
♪ Yeah baby she's got it ♪
This side is so much easier to play.
Um, let me try again.
Alright.
[discordant music]
That was beautiful.
'Look, I'm sorry to cut this short' but tonight is Joey's big night. Let's go.
D.J., maybe you should stay home tonight and practice.
In fact, you may have to drop out of school.
Kimmy, lighten up.
It's that kind of attitude that broke up The Go‐Go's.
Alright, Danny, listen to this. I got a new bit.
[imitates Ed Meese] Hello, Wilbur.
I'm gonna visit all my friends in prison.
Mr. Ed?
Close. Mr. Ed Meese.
[laughter on recorder]
Joey, you are gonna be hot tonight.
It's finally gonna happen, Danny.
I can feel it. Tonight is my night.
Oh, did I tell you there's gonna be a talent scout there from HBO‐‐ Who's looking for talented young comics for a big special.
Yeah, you might have mentioned it once or twice or several hundred thousand times.
[laughter on recorder]
Got the kid packed up.
She can either spend the night over at grandma's or six months in Europe.
‐ Here. ‐ Thank you.
I'm sorry you're gonna miss this, Michelle.
Okay, give me a kiss for good luck.
[laughter on recorder]
Alright.
Well, this kills me but I think I'll be supportive for a moment.
Joseph, you're a real funny guy and you're gonna do great tonight. Time's up.
[chuckles]
Well, thanks. I'll be touched for a moment.
Time's up. Alright.
Wish me luck, everybody.
‐ Good luck! ‐ Good luck!
Tonight is my night. Yes!
Well, we better get going too.
No, no, no, no. We can't go yet.
My date hasn't showed up yet.
I'm so nervous.
Good evening, Jess.
Hello, dear.
Sorry I kept you waiting.
May I say you look quite lovely this evening?
And may I say you look quite lovely yourself too, also?
Here you are.
What are you lugging around a purse for?
Because I have woman things I need on a date.
Money for a phone call..
...keys to someplace..
...and of course, an orange.
‐ 'Shall we?' ‐ Let's.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Thank you.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Ah, thank you.
Thank you.
They do make a lovely couple.
I'll get the panda.
[instrumental music]
The fire goes in the pan just like that.. and then, voila!
A duck! Ha ha!
‐ This guy's great. ‐ Eh.
And now the duck goes into the magic box right over here.
No, no, no. It's not a microwave.
[laughs]
Th‐thank you.
Then..
[audience cheers]
Now, that's entertainment.
What happened to the duck?
Thank you very much! Goodnight!
Let's hear it for the amazing Ed Alonzo.
Come on!
We're gonna be right back after a short break with our very own Joey Gladstone.
‐ Whoo! ‐ Yay!
[applause]
This is every comic's dream following a magician.
The audience is dying to laugh.
Don't look now but the guy from HBO is sitting right behind you.
My bodyguards.
Joey, break a leg.
Break a leg?
Honey, that means good luck.
Oh. Poke an eye out, Joey.
That's my date, huh?
Thanks, guys.
‐ Good luck. ‐ Good luck.
Alright, we're back and it's time for Mr. Fun.
He's wacky, he's zany as a matter of fact we consider him part of the family..
...'cause he expects to get fed for free.
[laughing]
Wait a minute. I know that laugh.
Is Phyllis?
Is that Phyllis Diller?
Oh, I love you, Brucie.
Why don't you stand up and take a bow?
Oh, thank you.
[applause]
I had no trouble getting up.
I've had things lifted so many times I just rise automatically.
[laughter]
Hey, you think we might be able to get her up here to tell a few jokes?
I can't. I can't.
No, you can't, you can't.
This is my night.
Please.
Oh, what the heck.
I hate to see a grown man beg.
I take that back. I love it.
Let's hear it. Phyllis Diller!
[cheering]
Well, number one, I should never have married Fang.
I found that out at the wedding.
He got down to the altar and asked for a blindfold and cigarette.
Then he paid the organist 20 bucks to play "What Kind Of Fool Am I?"
Then he tried to get my garter off over my head.
And he did.
'You wouldn't have believed the engagement ring.'
He said it was a square‐cut emerald.
It was a Chiclet.
[instrumental music]
So I told Fang, "I did not lose the bumper.
It's in the back seat."
I can't believe I've been up here for an hour.
Hour and a half.
I've got to go. I've got dinner reservations.
And my date is getting cold.
You've been absolutely great.
(Bruce) 'Phyllis Diller! Come on! What a treat!'
'Phyllis Diller, ladies and gentlemen.'
'No, no! Wait, wait! There's plenty more laughs! I‐‐'
Anyway, you guys know what ticks me off more than anything else in the world?
Have you guys seen the stuff they're giving away in cereal boxes? Jeez.
Well, let's hear it for our own Joey Gladstone!
‐ Yay! ‐ Yay!
(Joey) 'Thank you.'
Thank you. Aren't we lucky?
Of all the nights out of the year Phyllis Diller picked tonight to be at this club.
Hey, remember when you were younger how whenever your mom got mad at you she always had the final word?
And she could always change any word she wanted into a verb.
'So it was kind of like'
"Hey, mom, could I have a cookie?"
"Oh, I'll cookie you."
Thanks a lot.
Hope your tractor starts.
I see some people are here on dates tonight.
Why is it that when someone gives your date a compliment you always take credit for it as if you had something to do with it?
So it's kinda like, uh
"Hey, you know your girlfriend's really a doll."
"Well, thanks, I made her at home with my chemistry set."
Wait, would you like to hear some impressions?
Uh, some current events?
Would you like to see my bridgework?
[instrumental music]
Joey, are you down here?
(Joey) 'I'm here.'
We were worried. We didn't hear you come in last night.
Good morning, all.
Is that you inside that suit?
Indeed it is.
He's been moussing.
Joey, you've never moussed.
Please, call me Joe.
It's more sophisticated, more grown‐uppy.
Uh, excuse me, Joe.
Is there a punch line to this?
Oh, there's no punch line.
You see, last night was a revelation.
That big break is not coming.
I am going to venture into the business world.
I'm going to get a real job and make some real money.
I'm starting a whole new way of life.
But what about your comedy?
D.J., there comes a point in your life where you just have to say to yourself
"I tried and I failed."
I'm just glad I found this out now and not when I'm 46 years old.
Whew!
I am quitting comedy.
Lee Iacocca?
My man.
[instrumental music]
Boy, I'm glad I took off work today.
Otherwise, I would've missed a fascinating tour of every day care center in the northern bay area.
I know, but once Joey finds a job we're gonna lose a baby‐sitter.
We've got to find a great place for Michelle.
We've narrowed it down to your favorite 803. Here.
Okay, let's switch.
‐ Here you go. ‐ Come here, Michelle.
Okay. I liked this place.
"Piggly Wiggly's Fitness And Day‐care Center specializing in toddlerobics."
Oh, look at this, a complimentary sweatband.
Let's see how she likes it. I'll crank some music.
Alright. Here we go, Michelle.
Let's try on a sweatband.
Ooh, Arnold Schwarzen‐baby.
[upbeat music]
Okay. Alright. Here we go, Michelle.
Let's work it out. Work it out.
And go, and up.
'Now go. Now breathe.'
‐ 'Now in.' ‐ 'Now go.'
Now go! Now go!
Now go for the burn!
'Now go! Now go! Now go!'
'Now go! Now up! Now go!'
Obviously you feel pretty secure about those chubby little legs of yours.
Why don't we just go with the center with the nicest people?
‐ Good thinking. ‐ Okay.
Come here.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Afternoon, Joe. How'd it go today?
Two more job offers.
Bank teller and a stockbroker trainee.
Great. Which one are you gonna take?
Neither.
The bank job, the bank was way up on this big hill.
You've got to go all the way up the hill back down the hill.
Not my style.
Stockbroker job, they served me instant coffee.
Enough said?
Excuse me, Mr. Businessman, but do you realize you've been offered eight jobs and you found something wrong with all eight of them?
Hey, I know what I'm doing.
I don't wanna rush into anything.
I'm not gonna make the same mistake I did when I got into comedy.
Hi, daddy. Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Stephanie.
Want to watch "Rocky and Bullwinkle"?
[laughs]
No cartoons for me, Steph.
I am going to read the Wall Street Journal.
Cartoons. I'm a businessman.
[scoffs]
I miss the old Joey.
So do I.
He's not happy about giving up comedy.
That's why he keeps turning down all those jobs.
Joey's really starting to worry me.
Joey's always worried me.
Here we go, it goes like this.
♪ Do re mi fa so la ti do ♪ Try that.
♪ Do re mi fa ♪
♪ No no wrong wrong ♪ I stink!
My hands are too small. My fingers cramp up.
It's just too hard.
Yes, D. J., it is hard at first, but..
How would you like to hear a story about a little boy?
I have a feeling I'm gonna hear it no matter what I say.
Once there was a little boy who heard an Elvis Presley record.
The King.
Wonderful story.
It gets better. It gets better.
This little boy, he was so inspired that he hopped on his bike he pedaled down to that pawnshop traded his bike in for a guitar.
And that boy..
...he sat in his room, he practiced day and night night and day.
Where else could he go? He had no bike.
Anyway, finally, one magical day the music surged through his body into his fingertips, and he could do this.
[guitar solo]
And you know what?
That little boy..
...was me.
Big surprise ending.
So...what do you think?
I think I'll take the guitar down to the pawn shop and get myself a new bike.
I'll never be a Bracelet. I quit.
D.J., you put The Bracelets together. You can't quit.
I tried and I failed.
I'm just glad I figured this out now and not when I'm 46.
Joey.
Danny!
What's the matter?
We've gotta come up with an idea to get Joey back into comedy.
Alright. I like that attitude.
What caused the sudden change of heart?
Daniel, Joseph is our friend.
He needs us.
Besides, I hate that moussy hair of his. Come on.
It's nice of you guys to come down and watch me try out some new tunes this evening.
Kind of strange being here at the old club.
This place has barely changed.
Joe, you were here three days ago.
Right.
Well, welcome to amateur night.
[applause]
We got magicians, we got singers we got comics and by popular demand, no mimes.
Let's start things off with the music of Jesse Cochran.
Let's hear it! Go, Jess! Yeah!
Thank you. Thanks very much, but, uh..
Actually, there's been a change in plans.
You see, this evening I'm going to begin my career as a stand‐up comedian.
Oh, he's gotta be kidding.
I'd like to start off with a fast impression.
It goes like this..
Uh, hello, Wilbur.
Uh, let's go down and visit some of my friends in prison.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Moose!
That's Mr. Ed Meese!
He's stealing my material.
What do you care? You quit doing comedy.
That's right. I'm just a businessman enjoying the show.
Why is it, you know, when you have, like a pretty date you know, and you say, "Hey, thank you, man.
I got a chemistry set"?
Hey, if you're gonna steal my jokes steal them right, you yahoo bird.
Do you realize you're the first comic in history to heckle his own act?
And what's really strange is, you know you know how your mom, she can change any, uh Sorry, your mother, your mother.
She can change anything into, like, an adjective uh, um, a pronoun..
...a syllable.
‐ A verb! ‐ A verb!
She can change, your mom, your mothers can change anything into a verb.
It's like, you know, it's like, she comes, no, wait.
I come, no, she comes home and she says to me‐‐ No, I ask her I say, "Hey, hey, mo‐mother, hey, mother I say, "Hey, mom‐mother
"Can I, uh..
You know, "hey, can I have a cookie?" and she says, "Ooh, you want some milk with that?"
Then it's, "I'll cookie you!"
You're k*lling my jokes! This is comedy m*rder!
Oh, what? You think you could do better?
This napkin could do better.
Be my guest, pal.
Alright, fine. Ladies and gentlemen what he's trying to say is that when your mom..
I fell right into your little trap, didn't I?
Break your legs, buddy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy styling of Joseph Gladstone.
Alright. Get out of here.
Jesse Cochran!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
See, what Jesse was talking about was, you know, moms and when you were younger.
My mom used to, used to chase me around all the time but she didn't really chase me with her legs.
She kind of chased me with her arms.
So it was two propellers coming at me all the time.
It was like, "You get back here. You get back here."
I'm just going, "Mom, you're gonna take off and I don't think you have clearance from the tower."
I couldn't outrun my dad. My dad would start chasing me.
He would start pulling his belt.
It like he was starting his hips.
It was, Vrrrr! "You come back here."
[imitates engine] "You come back here."
Oh, gosh.
Every time my dad pulled his belt, he ran faster.
I thought for years, well, maybe my dad's a riding lawn mower.
I didn't know.
Hey, did you guys ever wake up first thing in the morning and you answer the phone and you sound just like Elmer Fudd?
So you're like, "Heh‐woe."
And you never admit to the other person that you just woke up.
We always lie, and it's like, "Oh, no I've been up for hours and hours."
Then you go and you look in the mirror and you look like Elmer Fudd and you're like
"This is worse than I ever dreamed."
[imitates Elmer]
Oh, come on. Quit it. Get out of here.
Thanks for all your help, guys.
‐ Alright. ‐ Yeah.
That's where you belong, up on stage bringing joy to total strangers.
Yeah, you're right.
I just get so tired of waiting for that big break and the paycheck that goes with it.
Take one of those jobs.
Why do you think I work as an exterminator?
You think I play rock 'n' roll music to support my bug‐k*lling habit?
You're right, Jess.
I'm gonna find something that I could do at home.
That way, I could still watch the girls make a few bucks, and still do my act at night.
Ah, tonight...ha‐ha!
Tonight was my night.
Everything worked out great and we all lived happily ever after.
Thank you and goodnight, guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, hold it. Whoa.
Not so fast.
You want a hug, don't you?
Not unless I'm choking on a chicken bone.
No. It seems we have a problem with one of my little nieces.
We do?
Jesse told me when you quit comedy D.J. quit playing the guitar.
She did?
Apparently the kid looks up to you for some strange reason.
She does?
And you know what to do about it.
I do?
‐ You do. ‐ You do.
I do.
You see? He did.
Didn't he?
[knock on door]
D.J.?
D.J.
Joey, this isn't what it looks like.
It looks like you're watching David Letterman.
Okay. It is what it looks like.
What's up?
Well, Deej..
I just wanted to tell you what happened tonight.
Should we go someplace else so we don't wake Steph?
Are you kidding? The kid slept through Johnny Carson.
Not that I was watching it.
Oh, no.
Well, D. J., guess what?
I got back up on stage tonight I did my stand‐up, and I was great.
But I thought you quit.
Well, I did but I think I was just frustrated and looking for the easy way out.
Oh, I get it.
Jesse told you I quit the guitar and now you're here to talk me out of it.
So I guess I can skip the Tortoise and the Hare story?
I'd appreciate it.
I didn't quit just because of you.
I quit because I stink.
D.J., how do you know you stink?
You've only been playing a week.
But if you keep practicing you might get really good at it.
But if you quit now, you may never know.
He's right, D. J. Oops.
What are you doing up?
I'm not up. I'm talking in my sleep.
D.J., one more thing.
Giving up isn't your style.
You put The Bracelets together.
I mean, you picked the name of the group.
D.J., you get things done.
'The D. J. I know wouldn't give up' just 'cause it's the easy way out.
Goodnight, girls.
Goodnight, Joe.
Call me Joey.
Really? You're Joey again?
[imitates Bullwinkle] That's correct, my little friends.
So nightie night night. Hmm.
He's back. Joey's back.
[sighs]
♪ The goddess on the mountaintop ♪
♪ Burnin' like a silver flame ♪ Very nice, D. J., very nice.
♪ Ow she's got it ♪
♪ Baby she's got it ♪
[theme music]