10x96 - Hall of Shame: Frank

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]



-- Are we just gonna leave him there?

Too cold and snowy to dump him out in the street.

I hope he doesn't steal anything.

- Kev and V'll k*ll us.

- [Tommy]

Are you kidding me?

Frank's ass will still be lying there when we come back in the morning.

[door closes]

[jingling]

[ghostly voice]

Frank.

You passed out again.

Uh-oh...

lullaby playing [ghostly voice]

Frank, it's me.

[Ian]

Should we move him?

[ghostly voice]

Come on, Frank.

I don't have a lot of time.

Oh...

Dad, wake up.

Get up.

- Frank?

- Frank?

- Frank!

- Frank.

- [Ian]

Hey.

Frank?

- Get up.

Come on, buddy.

Up and at 'em.

- [Sheila]

Frank!

- [Sammi]

Wake up!

[Fiona]

Get up!

[ghostly voice]

Rise and shine, you lazy f*ck!

Don't hurt me.

I thought the money on the bar was mine.

I didn't steal it.

I will pay you back...

next...

Dad?

Do I look like Princess Diana with a hog between my legs?

Uh, you're a ghost?

That's what happens when people die.

And a real rocket scientist you turned out to be.

[laughs]

[Ingrid]

Three, two, one, go!

[Jaunty music]

[Frank]

Give me the money.

Frank?

What?

No.

Frank!

What are you doing here?

Happy Thanksgiving.

[grunts]

I need whiskey.

We have to stay hydrated.

Wonder if I should've gotten the air-conditioned seats...

for my tushy.

[grunts]

Uh, Your Honor, all due respect, maybe it's time for you to be the change you wanna see in the world.

[car horns blaring]

[driver]

Hey, dipshit!

Nice panties.

[Frank]

Electroshock therapy.

I saw it on TV.

Plug that in.

- Really?

- What, did I stutter?

I said...

What are you doing here?

I'm the ghost of Gallaghers past...

or some sh*t like that.

I've been sent here to help you change your ways.

Why you?

Well, no one else wanted to do it, so he volunteered me.

Upstairs?

You're in heaven?

Upstairs is hell.

Downstairs is heaven.

People have been getting this wrong for years.

[Organ music]

[Bianca]

You believe in God, Frank?

I believe in a force that thinks it's greater than myself.

When you're living on the street, you start to question if there really is a god.

There is no God.

We're all gonna die.

I don't care how much they meditate.

When the time comes, those Hindus will be sh1tting their pants, just like the rest of us.

You know what they'll be thinking?

"f*ck, I wish I'd tried steak." [upbeat music]

Enlightenment is a waste of time.

Religion isn't a startup, Ian.

You want God to talk to you, you gotta stick with the classics: Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity.

Father Pete.

Just who I was looking for.

Silver's locked up, Frank.

[laughs]

All right, ten Hail Marys and light a candle.

Ten?

Really?

Just ten...

All right, .

What the hell do you want?

The Bible is the word of God...

How can it be the word of God...

passed down for generations!

If it was rewritten by King James?

There's not enough laughs in religion these days.

Too much fire and brimstone.

It turns the kids off.

And if you break the rules, you burn in hell for all eternity.

And there's your enlightenment.

Enlightenment.

Nirvana.

I loved their first album.

So that's it?

You're turning away sinners who are looking for forgiveness?

This is why white kids are flocking to Allah.

If a man can't find a little comfort from the Catholic Church, maybe it's time to admit Martin Luther had a point.

The human genitalia is like God's compass.

Our devices don't work if we try to point them in a direction they don't wanna go in.

♪ Gonna meet your maker ♪ ♪ Meet your maker ♪ ♪ Eventually ♪ ♪ You're gonna meet your maker ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

We have to deny the existence of a permanent entity.

All things are in a constant state of flux, and no permanent state exists by itself.

When I lose something, I like to say a little prayer.

Heavenly Father, sweet Mary, that donkey, little drummer boy...

Something's lost and cannot be found.

Please, Saint Anthony, look around.

Amen.

- Frank, great!

- [customer]

Thank you.

You didn't lose your job yet.

When you address me, I'd prefer you call me Francis.

Uh-huh.

I made a new tag this morning.

I'll also accept "saint." "Francis" refers to Saint Francis of Assisi, designated patron saint of animals.

I've always been a lover of animals.

Do I bless them?

Yes, I do.

[Debbie]

Oh, sh*t, she's walking to Frank!

"Suffer the little children to come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." sh*t, he really is Saint Francis.

[cheers and applause]

The Bible says...

Frank Gallagher!

This is the best place to shout at God.

Tell him how you feel.

Don't be shy.

Just scream your guts out.

That all you got?

That's it?

I'm still here!

Frank Gallagher!

You see me?

You fucker.

assh*le!

m*therf*cker!

[Frank's father]

Now, let's take a look at the order form.

Says here you've become a horrible person.

- That's not true...

- Shut the f*ck up!

- I'm trying to read this to you.

- I'm sorry, Daddy.

I'm supposed to show you all the times you've been nice.

There've been a lot of them.

I'm here to remind you of who you really are so you don't end up being f*ck-buddies with the Devil someday.

All right, let's do this thing.

Times you've been nice.

[Upbeat music]

Don't touch my cup, Frank.

I just came over to say hello, Benny.

Jesus.

That's a neat trick, you knowing it was me, though.

You're one bucket of KFC extra crispy away from giving Precious a run for her money.

You know I got a f*cking thyroid condition.

Look, I can do this.

[chuckles]

- They sent me home from school.

- [Frank]

Well, b*at it.

Your grandma and I are gonna get into some action.

- No cockblocking.

- Hey, wait.

What's going on here?

Yeah, buddy.

Who got you all snot-nosed?

[Queenie]

Oh, my gosh.

Who upset my little woodchuck?

Now close your mouth before someone considers it an invitation and pour me a g*dd*mn drink.

[Frank]

What's he doing in our bed?

Ow.

I forgive you for everything you've done: for not telling me when you cut that batch of coke with just a touch of Drano, for promising me to that drug dealer in exchange for crystal meth.

And you told everybody I was nothing but a good f*ck on the washing machine at the Laundromat.

Frank, I am miscarrying.

Right now?

Oh, God.

Will you come with me?

Frank!

Four sh*ts, or you're disqualified.

Come with me, Frank.

I will be back.

I love you.

I'm gonna win this.

I'll be back!

[Dax]

There he goes.

There he goes.

Okay!

[Frank]

If Sheils makes it down tomorrow, you promise to keep your mouth shut about me?

- No.

- [patron]

Yeah, right.

f*ck you.

[Frank]

It's dangerous out there, Sheils.

I don't want anything to happen to you

- because I love you.

- [screams]

It was just a car backfiring, sweetie.

You can't control what goes on in the world.

You can just choose to be a part of it.

- [Frank]

Ha.

- Very funny, assh*le.

Oh, come on.

I'm just messing with you.

Let me buy you a drink.

Oh, my God!

Thank God someone is home!

Please, help me!

- [gasps]

- What is happening?

- I want you.

- [sighs]

If we f*ck, I die.

She's gonna die soon.

What-what-what are you after,

- her home, her pension?

- I may love her.

- [Dottie]

What the hell's that?

- An engagement ring.

- You're not serious.

- Serious as a heart att*ck.

Uh, sorry.

That was in poor taste.

I'll be your wife.

[laughs]

[pager beeping]

[line trilling]

- Uh, yeah.

- [caller]

We've been informed there may be a heart available.

Um, she... she doesn't need it anymore.

I won't last another six months.

You gotta keep a positive outlook, Dottie.

I'm ready to go now, Frank.

Take me to the bedroom.

We're not married.

I know that you've been playing me.

My money's gonna go to my daughter.

- I'll give you two grand.

- Make it three?

- Two and the flat-screen.

- [both moaning]

Why didn't we do that a long time ago?

My girlfriend d*ed.

[Monica]

I forgive you for dragging me three blocks with the car.

Okay, sweetheart, that was an accident.

No, it wasn't, my love.

How was I supposed to know that your dress was caught in the door?

I-I-I can-I can explain.

I can explain.

Here's the thing.

That was a total misunderstanding.

Taken out of context.

Pharmaceutical entrapment.

I thought she was a he.

I was being a good father.

Kids come pre-wired.

It has nothing to do with your parenting.

It was a total accident.

I was told hamsters could swim.

I had been assured that those needles were almost good as new.

That's very unfortunate.

The ' s were a r*cist time.

Jesus!

I need it more than you.

- Help!

- No, no, no, no.

You just punched a little girl!

Okay, that-that was an accident.

I was going more for a soft tap.

Uh...

Those were the times I was nice?

[Frank's father]

Those were the best we could find.

Enjoy gargling Satan's sperm.

Bye-bye.

Oh, come on.

This is a mistake.

I'm a nice guy, really.

Ask anyone.

Frank Gallagher.

Nobody loves you, Frank.

Loving husband, devoted father.

You mean that deadbeat that consistently fails to take care of his family?

[Kev]

A truly respected and cherished member of this community.

You should just die now, Frank.

Save everyone a lot of trouble.

Glad you're walking again, Frank.

I was praying for permanent paralysis.

Kind of hoping you were dead.

Thought Frank was dead.

Yeah, unfortunately, he's still alive.

Frank had wronged this family ways since Tuesday.

I mean, he sued Addie for a loose handrail on the porch, opened credit cards in all our names, stole our Chevy Malibu, made meth in the bathroom upstairs.

You're the reason we had to install security cameras.

Everybody hates Frank.

We hate you, Frank.

We f*cking hate you, Frank.

Not a f*cking chance, Frank.

I still owe you a b*ating from last year.

Miss, excuse me.

Could you prescribe something for the pain?

Twenty of morphine would be more than enough.

You're Frank, right?

- Yes.

- No.

What could that woman possibly see in Frank?

[Veronica]

Maybe she's blind.

And has no sense of smell.

What about Frank?

We can't leave him here.

- [Fiona]

Of course we can.

- But it's getting cold.

His thick layer of bullshit will keep him warm.

We can't not have a bed for Frank anymore, can we?

- [Lip]

Of course we can.

- f*ck Frank.

Please stop worrying about Frank.

He is a black hole of endless need that will suck the life out of you.

Excuse me.

Do you know where I might be able to find Frank Gallagher?

Best bet?

Nearest jail or gutter.

What the hell's wrong with him?

Got a couple hours?

- You're a raging alcoholic.

- Who owes money to everyone.

Who's had sex with her daughter.

I'm impressed, in spite of my deep loathing for you personally.

We should get a dog.

[Karen laughs]

We have Frank.

[Frank]

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

You have sh*t on the carpet.

[Fiona]

You brought him home.

He's your puppy.

He makes a mess on the rug, you're cleaning it up.

[Sammi]

He's like an untrained dog who keeps sh1tting all over the house.

So we have three options... run the dog over, send the dog back to the pound to be gassed, or train the dog.

- Frank can change, right?

- No.

Same f*cking Frank.

Frank is a Frank, and his proper pronoun is "it." He's like a cat.

He'll be back.

Frank's like scabies.

You can't get rid of him, no matter how hard you try.

Frank's a cockroach.

You can stomp on him, spray him, try and drown him, but he always comes crawling back up out of the toilet bowl.

Only two things will be left roaming the Earth after the next apocalypse: cockroaches and Frank Gallagher.

[reporter]

One local hero has decided to take a stand.

[patron]

f*ck you, Frank!

[crowd yelling]

Screw them.

They don't know what they're talking about.

They're just jealous, trying to take me down, ruin my reputation.

I'm the nicest guy on the South Side.

[scoffs]

Sorry, son.

Wait, Daddy.

Please don't leave me again.

I need you here, really.

I'll be better.

I promise.

I'll see you in hell or wherever you end up.

Oh, and do me a favor.

Don't tell them you're my kid.

I don't want you spoiling things for me by you being Frank.

[breaks wind]

[upbeat music]

Whoa, that is bad.

[Sammi]

You get used to it.

It's like working at a landfill.

[bus rider]

You're a terrible homeless person.

I'm not homeless.

I have a home.

[bus rider]

Bullshit.

You look like a bum.

You smell like a bum.

[Abraham]

You also have dog sh*t on your face.

Oh, jeez.

[person]

Buy some deodorant, Frank.

- [Sean]

How about a cup?

- I'm good.

Not everyone wants your microbes in his food.

[Debbie]

Stop!

You're filthy.

[dogs yipping]

All right.

[Sammi]

You smell like kimchi and vomit.

I cut these too short.

My balls are hanging out.

Oh.

Oh, God, no.

Don't do that, Frank!

Oh, don't do it.

You have a toothbrush I can use, Frank?

They're communal.

Just grab one.

What the f*ck is that?

Did you use my toothbrush last night?

- Which one's yours?

- [Sean]

The light blue one.

No.

Don't use my toothbrush.

Don't wear my boots.

[Frank]

Hey, if it's under this roof, it's fair game.

Them's the rules.

Oh, my God.

Frank, you're filthy.

You're filthy!

Oh, you are ripe.

Oh, nothing a little Puerto Rican bath can't fix.

[Sheila]

Oh, oh, oh, honey...

Should we give him another bath?

Well, that's three already, and we're kind of running out of soap.

[crowd cheering]

- [clerk]

Francis Gallagher.

- Yeah.

Mm.

You're such a good dad.

[sniffs]

f*ck you.

I don't need you.

I don't need anyone.

I've been doing just fine on my own, doing it my way!

It's better to be on your own, anyway.

Everyone's just a big disappointment.

The only people I can count on are my two best friends, you... and you.

[Upbeat music]

Sobriety is a fool's game.

Set them up, barkeep.

Can you imagine...

Just said last call, Frank.

Having to live with impending death sober?

All right, one.

Ready to drink.

Drink!

Beer!

♪ I've seen endless wonders ♪ ♪ That I barely could believe... ♪

Hey!

♪ I've seen all the stars in Heaven... ♪ I need another beer.

Two vodka martinis.

A large boilermaker.

Double-double, heavy, heavy pour.

And keep them coming.

Liquid paradise.

Give me three sh*ts.

♪ Oh, whoa ♪ ♪ Let's dream out loud... ♪ And a round for all my friends from the UAW.

Wow.

Really?

f*ck, no.

♪ Upside down ♪ ♪ Yeah, everything is possible now... ♪

- Cheers.

- No...

You are not supposed to drink when you have a donor liver.

I've done extensive research.

This liver'll last me close to a decade if I pace myself correctly.

. Coming in hot.

In my career, I have never seen such a spectacular display of alcoholism.

Thank you.

[spluttering]

You see this bottle of vodka?

I'm gonna sip it!

Mimosa?

More Scotch.

♪ But time will waste me ♪ ♪ If I don't stop wasting time ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ Drinks on the house!

♪ Let's dream out loud ♪ ♪ 'Cause all we know ♪ ♪ Has been... ♪ Stop drinking before it kills you.

Last one.

♪ Yeah, everything is possible now ♪

[Frank]

No more alcohol.

- Just dr*gs.

- What do you want?

Pot, Percocet.

Morphine?

- Valium.

- Ativan?

- Vicodin.

- Sizzurp?

I always wanted to try that.

I know.

Let's take cr*ck.

[laughs]

Is that cr*ck?

It's crystal meth.

Would you like some?

Oh, it's gonna be a good winter, yard guy.

♪ I got a good, good, a good feeling ♪ [Carl]

Want me to sell any of that meth?

No need.

I smoked it.

♪ I got a good, good, a good feeling ♪ Nasty side effects, though.

♪ Yeah, I'm up on a cloud, ♪ ♪ ain't coming back down ♪ Wow.

There go a couple of billion brain cells.

f*ck, you have strong weed.

Uh-huh.

[coughs, laughs]

♪ Feel it in my bones, gotta shake it out ♪ [Frank]

All hail mighty Oxy, the Dom Pérignon of opiates.

Twenty-seven for me, one for you.

♪ I know you're feeling it now ♪ These are the last words that will pass between you and your father.

How do you feel?

I'm ready.

He said he's ready for the Lord's will.

I'm ready for more pills.

Oh.

More pills.

Bye, Frank.

♪ I got a good, good, a good feeling ♪ Here's your Oxys and your Percys.

Just like Mama used to make.

♪ Starting at the tip of my toes ♪ ♪ Feel it in my head and ♪ ♪ my clothes, oh, Lord ♪ ♪ I'm the talk of the town ♪

Oh!

♪ Come on, and move to the sounds ♪ He's stealing my dr*gs!

I could use something for the pain.

Percocet. Fentanyl.

- Vicodin.

Maybe a Quaalude.

- No.

A bottle of your finest pharmaceuticals should have me shipshape in no time.

It says here not to give you dr*gs.

Where's it say that?

Come here, mi amigo.

Show me a little love.

[groans]

Hey, Frank.

Mo?

Mo White!

Congressman Mo White!

Good to see you again, buddy.

Let's make Chicago White again!

[all cheer]

Mo White!

- I'm Mo White.

- [Frank]

Mo White.

Mo White... you're not gonna find him on the ballot.

- Mo White.

- Mo White is back!

- Oh!

- What happened?

Whenever I get within yards of a school, I get this little shock.

What?

Oh, f*ck.

Washington is a fascinating place.

You make sure to register the minute you hit puberty.

Okay?

Off you go.

Hello, kitty.

For the thousandth time, there was no way I could know that girl was only .

Okay, did Mo make a mistake?

Yes.

But before that, he was the best football coach that Robert E.

Lee High ever had.

And do you know what's even more American than football?

Second chances.

Mo White is that second chance.

Democracy never sleeps.

Unless it's with a -year-old.

[tires squealing]

[Terry]

Who are these m*therf*ckers?

f*ck you!

[reporter]

In a shocking development on the South Side, Maurice "Mo" White - is a surprise victor.

- You're a congressman again.

What are you gonna do?

[Mo]

That's the beauty of being in Congress.

You don't have to do a g*dd*mn thing.

- [laughter]

- [reporter]

We're waiting for reactions from the Wyman and Ruiz camps.

Oh, you're a ghost?

Yep.

You're supposed to be Gallagher present?

That's what they tell me.

[Frank]

Ah!

I didn't know you d*ed.

You're in hell now, being a pedophile and all?

No.

I went to the good place.

- Damn.

- [Mo]

Yeah, I was in a nursing home for the last few years of my life.

There was no kids around that place.

Forced me to change my ways.

I guess they'll let anyone into Heaven these days.

I'm here to show you how to get there, too.

Thanks, but, no, thanks.

I don't wanna hear any more bullshit from you ghosts.

None of what you say is true, anyway.

You can shove all that fake-news sh*t up your ass.

Speaking of which...

[upbeat music]

Jesus.

Okay.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, how am I supposed to swallow that?

Who said anything about swallowing?

Have mercy on me.

I can't handle anything up my ass without alcohol.

Alcohol goes in this bag, this goes up the poop chute, and voilà.

More than one way to get booze into a Gallagher.

Hold it up nice and high.

Okay, open the valve.

I play by the rules.

This is the part where you spread your cheeks and... cough?

You see?

You remember more than you give yourself credit for.

I gave my life, my blood, sweat, and tears to that job.

[coughs]

And where did it get me?

Up the ass.

That's where.

[coughs]

Right up the old poop chute.

The world's gonna f*ck you.

That feels fantastic.

All you can do is take it up the ass and soldier on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh!

I need money.

You got more takers!

- Come with me, Frank.

- Oh, hold on.

Sheila, Sheila.

[Sheila]

Come on!

[yells]

Shouldn't we have a safety word?

Sure, all right.

Let's have a safety word.

Uh, stop.

When I say stop, that'll be our...

- That'll do.

- Stop.

[screaming]

Stop!

I am literally taking it up the ass.

Do you know what this is?

- No, no, no.

- Freedom!

That won't fit!

Oh, Jesus.

Is that your fist?

No, it's my foot.

Does your ass ever stop hurting?

- No, no, no, no...

- This little piggy went to market.

[Frank]

Ah!

No.

This little piggy stayed home.

Advil's your best bet.

Helps with the inflammation.

This little piggy had roast beef.

- And this little piggy had none.

- [Frank]

Oh, God.

Take the Advil now if you wanna stay ahead of the pain.

- But this little piggy...

- [Frank]

No, no, no, no.

Not all the way home.

Not all the way home.

He went all the way home.

- Oh!

- [laughs]

Whoo!

I just did what I had to do to make a living and to survive.

There's still time to redeem yourself, Frank.

No.

- How?

- [Mo]

Could apologize to everyone you've ever wronged.

[Frank]

Hi.

I'm Frank Gallagher.

We spoke online.

May I start by saying thank you?

- What's the scam?

- I get migraines.

What kind of a man do you think I am?

Try proving I don't have them.

[laughs]

There's always a scam, Frank.

I'm Frank.

Frank Gallagher.

Frank Gallagher, cancer concierge.

I smooth the way for patients with serious diagnoses.

You gotta think of the kids.

It's a scam.

It's always some kind of a scam.

This could be your lucky day.

You are not gonna burn down that nice woman's house.

- Were you two trying to scam me?

- Not burn down.

When Frank's running a scam, ain't nobody better to trust.

She's got liability.

One big accident, and her insurance has to pay up.

Oh!

Gah!

Are you kidding me?

This is barely a sprain.

It's two grand, tops.

I need .

You better bring me a m*nled femur.

Partial paralysis...

or lose an eye.

Burns over at least percent of your body.

Lose both eyes.

You know, you walk in, empty sockets, we got us a winner.

[screams]

This?

This is a masterpiece.

This is like an aerial photo of Ground Zero.

Just tell me we can get grand.

Oh, I'd say Gs, easy.

Buenos días.

Frank Gallagher.

Frank Gallagher.

Frank Gallagher.

I'm afraid it's an honest day's work for you and me, mi amigo.

Any scams you wanna try?

How about the distract and grab?

Do the melon drop.

Old-fashioned pig in a poke?

I'm always down for a classic Ukrainian peekaboo.

What's my name?

Uh, Bethany?

That's us.

Could you put on a little classical music?

Yeah, sure thing.

Oh, sh*t!

Watch what you're doing, lady!

You just hit that man!

Are you okay?

[Frank]

I think you broke my leg.

- Oh, God.

- And my face is bleeding.

What are they hitting you for at the ER these days?

- Couple hundy.

- Oy.

I'm just gonna wait till my leg heals.

Unless... you wanted to make things right.

As soon as he starts his engine, we make our move.

Okay.

- What was that?

- Just hit that kid in the wheelchair.

I'm sorry.

I swear, I didn't see you.

You came out of nowhere!

Oh, my God.

Time to turn over that betting money, gals and guys.

Get the meds!

- What?

- The meds.

[all cry out]

[upbeat swing music]

Putting it into overdrive, pal.

[softly]

Yes, I have Frank Gallagher calling.

- Frank Gallagher.

- Never heard of him.

Andrew Feldman.

- I'd like to start my benefits.

- Mr. Westland, it says here you're already collecting your benefit.

Mr. Ramirez?

It says here you're dead.

[laughs]

He was the father of my baby.

You grieve.

Just tell me where the paperwork is.

Oh, Frank!

I just need his social security number.

Your last sponsor moved out.

What, did he, what, did he live with you?

- Yeah.

- In a house?

You lived in a house, an apartment, what?

- In a house.

- I'm sorry.

Let me introduce myself properly.

I cannot award you domestic-partnership status.

My partner has been working hard, k*lling dogs for this city for close to a decade.

You k*ll dogs?

Animal control.

Welcome.

I'm Frank Gallagher.

Frank Gallagher.

Frank Gallagher.

Me and my kids drink for free.

Do you remember Joe the plumber?

He's a personal hero of mine.

Well, you are gay Joe.

- Frank the plumber?

- No.

The face of the gay rights movement.

Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Gallagher.

Frank?

Right now it's a horrible time to be gay.

All they wanna do is stop us from having the sex that they wish they were having.

[laughs]

You saw what I did here.

I'm your new rainmaker.

I can get these rump swappers to cough up cash night and day.

The envelope, kind sir.

Thank you, thank you.

Now we gotta talk about upgrading my room.

Frank Gallagher.

Enchanté.

Frank Gallagher.

- You speak French.

- Oui.

Your challenge is to get seen by an ER doctor in one hour or less.

- [coughing]

- Excuse me.

[spits, coughs]

Um, my friend and I have this cough.

- It just won't...

- Code red, TB alert.

TB protocol!

Get them into quarantine!

Isn't there something else I could do, you know, to get in good with the big guy?

Or is she a big gal?

[chuckles]

Which, of course, I doubt.

I mean, God, a woman?

Please.

But we have to be politically correct now.

Am I right, or am I right?

Frank, don't you think that's exactly part of the problem here?

What?

[Patriotic march music]

Folks, let's face facts.

Doctors are crooks, especially the Korean ones.

Never trust a culture that makes sausages from dogs.

Is this a supportive friend party for a cop who sh*t some poor fucker wasn't even armed?

The cops can be forgiven for their mistake.

It was the ' s.

Black people really were drug dealers then.

Bullying is a vital part of every ecosystem.

It teaches kids resilience.

Why do you think Steve Jobs turned out so great?

Bullies.

Minimum wage?

Just a fancy term for industrialized sl*very.

How does Mr.

Osama Obama expect us to survive on that?

Ah, that's right.

Just walk on by, Osama.

We all have our phobias, and school is mine.

They're about the teachers asking you to validate them for the choice they made to waste their lives as educators.

I'll tell you this.

A teacher diddled you.

The truth will set you free!

The aristocracy doesn't want poor people getting laid because that means more poor people being born.

So they take our erections.

We're fighting for the underrepresented Caucasian male.

Some guy named Paco's jumping a fence and taking my job!

Accurate is not r*cist.

You look like a premenstrual Filipino!

Wakey-wakey, Jackie Chan.

You're Indian?

The feather, not the dot?

In the Indian reservation, you people drink yourselves unconscious, but I never hear of an Indian getting a liver transplant.

Why is that?

For all of their laziness and lack of motivation, Mexicans are a lovely people.

This is a human rights issue.

Why should our heterosexual proclivities prevent us from collecting our due?

That is heterophobia, and I won't stand for it.

And it is our duty...

to run the lesbians outta town.

When the good-looking gays start buying up our homes, the whole neighborhood is doomed.

Gentrification, my friend.

They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians are the Man, just like with the Jews.

Ten years from now, they'll claim it never happened, but it is happening.

Mel Gibson was right!

Stealing land from the Indians and then genociding them.

They wanna convert it into an L-T-G-B-E-I-E-I-O.

Then they start passing out the smallpox blankets.

Where's the justice?

We're in a w*r.

It's like they've declared w*r on testicles.

Well, I, for one... think...

m*llitary service is for losers.

You can join the Army, travel halfway around the world, and build roads and hospitals for people who want us dead.

Damn Palestinians, huh?

It's like they come out of the womb wearing a su1c1de vest, am I right?

Did you know that...

AIDS didn't come from the h*m*, but the gays may have helped us spread it with their bloody a**l passions.

Calling people by their name is not, nor should it ever be argued as, offensive.

f*ck off, lesbos!

Dykes.

Bull d*ke?

Pan-gender hermaphrodites.

Bunch of uppity queers.

I am not a f*gg*t, and I could sue you for the use of the word.

Men have always had men.

Da Vinci, Abe Lincoln...

Let people chow down on the nether region of their choice.

Male, female, consenting animals.

Because animals are more important in this country than homeless human beings!

It's not our fault.

Underage temptation.

You can look, but, oh, don't touch!

It's bullshit.

It's flat-out un-American.

Help a brother out.

When did your heart get as black as your skin?

Those people.

You people.

You people?

Spouting the same sh*t at me.

What can that mean?

You people?

This is America, and in America, we like democracy.

[off-key]

By the dawn's early light Give me liberty or give me meth.

Every assh*le is entitled to his beliefs.

It's the same freedom that allows you to teach wearing that silly beanie.

Don't know why you yids get such a bad rap for being greedy, controlling the media, making everyone get their dicks cut.

It doesn't matter anyway.

Pretty soon, there's not gonna be any Jew or Aryan or Hindu or Muslim or Mexican or Blacks.

There's just gonna be the rich and the f*cked.

Just like the great slaves of the South.

- Oh, don't do that.

- All right, Frank, you need to stop right there.

That's enough.

Decades of forced labor in the fields have left us Kunta Kinte strong.

- Frank.

- Swing low, sweet chariot.

Isn't this a great country?

This United States of America.

I'm an American.

And I invite you all to join me.

In this one big...

r*pe-y melting pot filled with...

Overweight minimum wage workers buying discount laundry detergent!

And the sooner we face it, the sooner we'll have a civilization worth celebrating.

[cheering]

L'chaim!

Praise Allah.

And that, my multicultural friends, is liberty and justice for all.

God bless America.

God bless America!

[laughs]

I was just having a little fun.

Wasn't trying to hurt anyone.

That's what's wrong with people these days.

Too damn sensitive.

Take everything so personally.

I don't know, Frank.

Seems like you have a chance to change your path here.

Why wouldn't you wanna do it?

To each his own, I guess.

I gotta go now.

See you.

Hey, don't you worry about me.

I've skirted death plenty of times so far.

I'm gonna live forever, so I won't have to worry about damnation.

Frank, your piss is brown.

[Frank]

That is brown.

[Easygoing music]

For f*ck's sake!

♪ It makes you feel so bad ♪ [doctor]

We are now ready to remove the catheter from the urethra.

- [yells]

- [doctor]

All done.

[Frank]

It's like a Fourth of July barbecue.

Ooh, sh*t.

Oh!

- Jeez.

- [Bianca yelling]

Frank!

♪ When you're all alone ♪ ♪ And you feel like you wanna die ♪ Oh, God.

♪ You can turn it all around ♪ Ooh.

Frank, if you die, I will be really disappointed.

[car horn blares]

[Frank screaming]

That's bone.

Dad?

[EMT]

He recently had a liver transplant.

- How recent?

- Like, minutes ago.

- I OD'd in ' .

- You know Frank's dying.

- And in ' .

- He's been dying for years.

' again.

You're still alive?

' .

Thought you were dead.

' .

I was in a coma.

I'm the only guy I know who's been given last rites three times.

Take more than that to k*ll this cockroach.

Yeah, let's k*ll him.

- Will you...

- You f*cked all of our wives, Gallagher.

Hey!

♪ It makes you feel ♪ If you happen to see Frank, tell him he's a dead man.

You f*cked the wrong guy's daughter, Gallagher!

- [Frank]

He gone?

- Yeah.

[whistles, chuckles]

[groaning]

Okay, whoa, hold...

What is this about again?

[Wade]

No!

[both straining]

Are you okay?

She tried to s*ab me.

Oh, sh...

[Lamar]

Get your ass over here!

[mob clamoring]

♪ Find yourself a friend ♪ ♪ And everything will be all right ♪ ♪ It's gonna be all right ♪ ♪ It's gonna be all right ♪

[Frank yelling]

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. ♪ Whoa!

[crying]

Oh, Jesus.

Can't a man get one f*cking minute of peace?

Just one minute?

♪ Find yourself a friend ♪ ♪ And bring him into your life ♪

That's the train.

Oh.

I'm gonna come.

Oh, we gotta go.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh, okay!

Danced with a gal with a hole in her stocking Knees kept knocking Feet kept a-rocking So, Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight And dance by the light of the Moon?

[gasps]

Jesus.

What the f*ck are you doing singing to some whiny cr*cker music?

You scared the sh*t out of me!

Why?

You knew there was another ghost coming, you jackass.

Gallagher future?

In the f*cking flesh.

Well, who the hell are you?

I'm your son, you dumb f*ck.

Lip?

assh*le.

I'm Black.

Guess again.

Uh, Liam.

That's right, bitch.

But you're-you're... so grown up, so professional, articulate.

Mm, yeah, well, I'm doing okay for myself.

We all are, more or less, no thanks to you.

Daddy's home!

Good morning, my wasted sperms.

A lesson in parenting, gentlemen.

Dad, what's this?

That's a pacifier for your anus.

A woman's sexuality is as fluid as the Mississippi.

Son, it's important to know the difference between a skank bitch and a deranged psychopath.

Daddy, I'm gonna get my period soon.

No time for that now, Debs.

And remember what my mother said.

A hole's a hole.

God doesn't really care who's attached to it.

Biologically speaking, you're in your prime childbearing years.

Actually, a little beyond them.

If Fiona waits much longer, she's gonna have babies that look like wombats.

I remember the first time I saw Fiona in Monica's gut.

I mean, we were on a lot of dr*gs, but that fetus looked unholy.

You're my dad?

I almost put you in my mouth.

I didn't ask you to do that.

You dry-humped my thigh for half an hour yesterday.

Carl, I remember when the nurse in the hospital handed you to me.

Carl was born in the back of the van.

You weren't there.

Where have you been?

Your daughter's made me read The Hungry goddamned Caterpillar, like, times.

Caterpillar's dead, honey.

Someone stepped on it and squished it.

- I got expelled.

- Why?

In the past few weeks, four people have tested positive for multiple STDs.

The thing these people had in common was this PTA group.

Frank gave them venereal diseases.

And they kicked you out?

[Faye]

What do you love most in the entire world, Frank?

My kids?

b*at it, brat.

What the f*ck am I saying?

Um, opioids.

You got any cash?

Sheila gave me $ for groceries.

Well, hand it over.

I need weed.

- There you go.

- Thank you, Mr. Gallagher.

Mr. Gallagher?

Is my dad here?

[chuckles]

Call me Liam.

He used our names to get the cards.

[crowd cheering and whistling]

[Lip]

$ , at the Windy Titty?

Cool.

I just got a subscription to Penthouse.

I think I broke my arm.

- Ow!

What the...

- Go get your bike.

[Jaunty music]

Now!

As a woman who's months from bringing a child into this world, you require a nest.

You need a father figure like you had with me, only with money.

[through voice box]

My second wife was a redhead.

- [laughs]

- Are you insane?

He's got terminal cancer and a two-bedroom apartment on rent control.

You take care of your man, he'll move you into the guest room in no time.

I know a little blonde who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

You buy her a pork taco and a sh*t of Smirnoff, and it's go time.

- Who?

- My daughter.

[Sammi]

Christ, you're fast.

I can keep this up for miles.

I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Fiona and Lip will be mad.

Treat me like a leper because I'm a bad father.

Yeah, right.

- Whoa!

- Jesus!

Hey!

Making me homeless in the dead of autumn after I got you through cancer?

The good news is, the cancer's in your brain, and you never were much of a thinker, so it probably won't affect you that much.

I didn't split like your mom did.

I could've!

Your mom just takes off.

You're all looking at me.

Food on the table.

Clothes for school.

Bills to pay.

Diapers.

Dentists.

Oh!

So you knock back a few.

That's what you need.

Anything so long as it's not six kids that you didn't want in the first place!

You think I can't support six kids?

You didn't support one of us.

If I didn't support you, how did you turn out so well?

- Bankrupt.

- Alcoholic.

- Teen mom.

- Psychopath.

Well, you're alive.

You know how many parents m*rder their children?

I must've done something right.

- Not at all.

- Really?

No, because you never changed your ways.

So I should get points for consistency, then, right?

- Wrong.

- Damn.

So many times, we all had hopes for you that you were finally gonna be a good person.

[Dramatic music]

f*ck, Frank.

I love you.

Debs, I love you.

Jesus.

Just, I want you to know that.

Go away, Frank.

I love you.

Ignore him.

I love you, my little brown banana.

Sure, Frank.

Call me Dad?

I just want you to know.

[cries]

I don't know how much more of that I can take before I s*ab him in the neck with a broken beer bottle.

Mother...

[rock music]

Hey, what needs doing around the house?

The upstairs toilet ever get fixed?

[Liam]

No.

You ever figure out that smell in your room?

- [Liam]

No.

- [Frank groans]

[laughs]

Well, sh*t.

Where's your book?

Take the day off.

I'll do your rounds today.

I'd like to offer my delivery services for a package you want Carl to handle this afternoon.

How do we know you'll deliver?

I give you my word.

sh*t is tight, Frank the cr*cker.

Thank you, Vince!

Does your father's disappearance make you sad?

[Carl]

I don't know.

[judge]

Were you glad when he came back?

He got me into camp.

I was able to get you these special pills.

They'll give you the energy to get through camp.

Will they cure my cancer?

Depends on your attitude.

What about you, Deborah?

I spent the summer at the pool.

Daddy helped me learn.

- How to swim.

- Sort of.

Stay down.

How long was that?

Not long enough.

City pools are filled with city kids.

Them savage little Cosby kids will drown your ass.

Go.

- Can I try?

- No, Carl.

You've got cancer.

I'm making amends to all the people I've harmed.

Is there anything that you can think of that I should apologize to you for?

Kind of a long list.

Should've called an ambulance, Dave.

I know that now.

Honestly, I thought you were just floating.

How can I ever really say I'm sorry?

sh*t.

Fair enough.

Can I make amends to you guys tomorrow?

- Uh, f*cking whatever.

- Yeah, it's fine.

Namaste.

I may not have been present for your first steps or your first lost tooth or your first blow job, but as patriarch, I'm entitled to my traditional place of honor next to you for your big day.

It's my traditional right to ask said patriarch to pay for it.

Done.

I'll pay.

- What?

- Where'd you get the money?

In an honorable, ethical fashion.

Frank told Derek's parents that he statutory r*ped me so he'd give him money.

Oh, f*ck, Frank.

They owe us.

[Sean]

Frank, you're not paying for our wedding with your crooked money.

Look at that... my son's going to private school.

You're a good dad.

Fella doesn't get too many chances to get it right.

What do your classmates' parents do for them?

Something called a trust fund.

Oh, I'm afraid I smoked that one up already.

And when dinnertime comes, you grab little free-range Lucky here by the neck, and you swing him around, you break his neck, and then you cut off his head and bleed him out.

It's the circle of life.

Okay, let me demonstrate.

[children scream]

[sighs]

Just one big, giant letdown.

I must have had some positive influence on you.

- Nope.

- But you're-you're so handsome, well dressed.

W-what do you do for a living?

What do you think I do with a father like you?

I'm a pimp and a drug dealer.

- Well, that makes sense.

- [Liam]

I'm f*cking with you!

I work in finance.

I manage rich people's money.

Ooh.

Wow.

Any chance you could skim a little off the top for your old man?

This is exactly why you're being visited by a bunch of f*cking ghosts.

We're giving you a chance to change.

Life isn't all about scamming the system.

It isn't?

I need you on the South Side looking after the-the business.

What business?

It's time you learn the family business, son.

I was afraid none of my sons were gonna follow me into the family business.

Finding easy, innovative ways to make money without working.

I built it from scratch.

I put in the hours, turned it into the thriving racket you see today.

Fourteen and already a convicted drug trafficker.

It warms my heart to know that at least one Gallagher has lived up to his genetic potential.

I'm giving you the benefit of my years of experience.

Hear me and heed me.

That's what I'm trying to tell you: my philosophy.

Charity is accepting help from others, not the other way around.

You get along a lot better with a w*apon and a kind word than a kind word alone.

Prison is no place for a man with naturally tight glutes.

You're young, white, female.

You're a cash cow on the corner.

Do you want me to be a prost*tute?

Don't be ridiculous.

The competition is way too steep.

One baby is worth $ a month, but twins will get you an extra $ .

Get joint checking, and whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.

If the baby has a clubfoot or a harelip, that's worth an extra hundred, so you might wanna lighten up on the prenatal vitamins.

It's a myth about the female libido declining with age.

- They get hornier.

- I'll keep that in mind.

Mental deficits are worth a lot, but they cost a lot, so don't cut out the folic acid completely.

I'm taking all my vitamins.

Suit yourself.

Women love a long-term project, especially when it involves the improvement of a man.

Go to Evergreen Assisted Living.

Plenty of men or older.

They'd write you into their will for a hand job.

Good afternoon, ma'am.

This is my dependent, and she's about to have a dependent of her own.

We'll need the proper forms.

We're missing the TANF forms.

We're not new at this.

See?

Free money.

It's like bring-your-daughter- to-work day.

- Gotta find a job.

- Typed up your résumé, Daddy.

Good girl, Debs.

"Francis Gallagher is a passionate professional who brings creative solutions from the idea phase to fruition." You know me so well.

[foreman]

Well, you know, the products that we're using aren't exactly the safest.

A lot of folks are getting sick around here.

He'll take it.

Tomorrow okay for him to start?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Okay.

Yeah.

[laughs]

[Frank]

When I was your age, my pop took me on my first heist.

Man, those were the days.

My foster gays have a lot of nice stuff.

Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

♪ Boom a lacka boom ♪ ♪ When you walk in the room ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Yum diddly yum dum dum, ♪ ♪ we gonna have some fun now ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪ Christ.

Don't you ever hose these things out?

Doing good in there, pumpkin?

Mm-hmm.

[clicks tongue]

A-okay, Daddy.

Thanks to your influence, Frank, Liam is no longer welcome at day care.

He punched a kid in the balls and called him a gringo.

Okay, son.

Glad to hear it.

Give them hell.

If I could've, I would've sold you.

That's problematic.

I resent the implication.

I'll have you know, I tried to sell Debbie, too, but nobody wanted a baby with colic.

So can I go on a cruise with Dylan's family or not?

After you get the code and pics of their valuables.

[Liam]

But they're taking me on their vacation and everything.

Bah, just to assuage their ruling-class guilt.

[rock music]

[phone ringing]

- You gonna get that?

- No.

[alarm blaring]

[sighs]

I give up.

Enjoy being alone with your tired old self for the rest of your miserable life.

No, no, no.

Come on, buddy.

Don't be like that.

You know, you were always my favorite.

You saying that because I have money now?

- Absolutely.

- Well, guess what.

We all have money in the Gallagher future, and we gave you none of it.

That's not fair.

After all that I did, everything I sacrificed, you owe me.

No, actually, we don't.

Hey, hey, smells good in here.

Oh, come on.

Oh, Jesus, come on!

- One...

- Hey, Liam.

- [Ian]

... two...

- [Frank]

Get me a blanket and some of that bacon.

Get me...

Ah, f*ck!

What happened to three?

You know how many times I've been kicked out of that house?

Yeah, I do.

I was the one doing the kicking.

Here's your sh*t.

I'm taking my room back, and I'm padlocking the house.

Aw, you made me toast.

Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Frank, get out.

Wait, my clothes are in the wash.

You have to the count of three, dressed or not, Frank.

- One...

- Let's take a vote.

- Two...

- You never say three!

♪ I'm living on the downside ♪ Pickaxe, sledgehammer.

Sledgehammer.

- Is he upstairs?

- Yeah.

We're getting rid of Frank.

Oh!

♪ Catch me, I'm falling ♪ ♪ On hard times ♪ No male energy in the maternity tent.

Open the damn...

Ay, sh*t!

The hell are you doing?

Sorry, Frank, but you can't come in.

Fine.

Enjoy your big, spacious vag*na tent.

- Get out, Frank.

- You put three words together.

I told the doctors the fetal alcohol syndrome wouldn't wreck your brain.

Go away.

[Lip]

Go away, Frank.

I said go away.

Get the f*ck out of here.

[Sheila]

Frank, you've got to find another place to stay.

Wait a second!

Yeah [yells]

Thanks.

Now get out.

- What?

- Deb!

Now.

You're evicting your tenants after they pay?

Stop pushing.

All right.

I'm warning you, Frank.

Get out.

This is my home.

You have no right to kick me out of it.

Go away, Frank.

- Bye, Frank.

- You know your way out.

Get out of my house.

Get the f*ck out my car, Frank.

- Get out.

- Out.

Get out!

- What are you yelling...

- Get...

out!

- What was that?

- [Carl]

Probably Frank.

Frank's back?

- [Frank]

Okay, don't...

- Now!

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Now!

Get out!

[Frank]

Okay.

Stop it!

All right!

Jeez!

[Sammi yelling]

[Frank]

f*cking...

What the f*ck is wrong with you people?

I will sh**t you.

You don't live here anymore.

Wait, what the f*ck?

No, you're not!

- Where should we put him?

- Where he belongs.

No way!

No!

Son!

No!

♪ On hard times again ♪ So...

you'd toss me aside, just like that?

Yep, just like that.

Oh, my God.

Kids, it's me, your dad!

I'm home!

I was visited by a couple of ghosts.

They showed me the error of my ways.

I've been a horrible person, a terrible father!

Kids!

I don't wanna be alone anymore.

I want you in my life.

I wanna be a family again, to grow old together.

[sniffles]

Sweet.

[Cage the Elephant's "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked"]

Sweeter.

Daddy's home.

♪ I was walking down the street ♪ ♪ When out the corner of my eye I saw... ♪ Good morning, my day-drinking brethren.

Greetings. Friends, chums.

Muchachos.

Presenting Frank.

Hear ye, hear ye.

The f*ck am I?

♪ You pay the right price, ♪ ♪ your evening will be nice ♪ ♪ And you can go and send me on my way ♪ ♪ I said, you're such a sweet young thing ♪ ♪ Why you do this to yourself? ♪ ♪ She looked at me, and this... ♪ Okay, no yelling.

You ready?

So good.

Oh, baby.

- You get on top.

- [groundskeeper]

Sick f*ck!

Get the hell out of my cemetery!

assh*le!

♪ I got mouths to feed ♪ ♪ There ain't nothing ♪ ♪ in this world for free ♪ My mother has cancer.

If anyone deserves cancer...

Don't p*ssy out on me.

Go into the light!

It's your mother.

Frank, your mother's passed.

♪ Close our eyes for good ♪ Not even minutes later, I'm still walking...

[Libby]

Oh, f*ck this.

I am a man of ample girth and length.

Well, hello, old friend.

I'm as good as again.

What if I suck your d*ck?

[pants unzip]

Give me your phone.

[gasps]

Finish it now!

♪ I told him, you can have my cash ♪ ♪ But first you know I gotta ask ♪ ♪ What makes you wanna ♪ ♪ live this kind of life? ♪ ♪ He said there ain't ♪ ♪ no rest for the wicked ♪ ♪ Money don't grow on trees ♪ ♪ We got bills to pay, ♪ ♪ we got mouths to feed ♪ ♪ There ain't nothing ♪ ♪ in this world for free ♪ ♪ Oh, no, we can't slow ♪ ♪ down, we can't hold back ♪ ♪ Though you know we wish we could ♪ ♪ Oh, no, there ain't ♪ ♪ no rest for the wicked ♪ ♪ Until we close our eyes for good ♪