02x05 - Halloween

[bunniefuu]

"A UNICEF contribution of 13 cents

"will feed a child for a month."

Man, living in Africa must be great.

Everything's so cheap.

If you ask me, man, UNICEF's a scam.

If we ask you, everything's a scam.

Everything is a scam.

Oh, lighten up.

Remember how much fun Halloween used to be?

Making costumes, trick-or-treating.

What is trick-or-treating?

Well, you put on a costume, you go door-to-door and say, "Trick or treat," and people give you candy.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

They just give you candy?

The best part of Halloween is getting the crap scared out of you.

One year I saw The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, I couldn't sleep for, like, a month.

They give you candy?

Just like that? No strings?

Yes, Fez. Get over it.

Hey, you guys, you know what?

My church is doing a haunted house.

I really don't think anyone's gonna be scared by a bunch of Episcopalians.

Unless they have chainsaws.

Let's go see The Texas Chainsaw m*ssacre.

Michael, I told you, I don't like Texans.

I know. We could go to Old Main.

Our old grammar school?

Yeah, sure, you know.

A dark, burnt-out, boarded-up school.

Very creepy.

We could... You know, we could tell ghost stories.

Free candy?

Even if you're not from this country?

Yes!

Hey, why'd they burn down the school, anyway?

Oh, they said it was arson.

What? I was out of town that week.

Hmm.

How convenient.

So you're telling me

that if I showed up at someone's house and say, "Trick or treat," they'll give me a free piece of candy?

Yes!

Oh, I don't believe you.

Trick or treat.

An apple?

Where's my candy, you son of a bitch?

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Ahhh!

Oh, she's very good.

I like her. I hope she lives.

Ahhh!

Huh.

Oh, well.

Why doesn't anyone just sh**t him?

I mean, it's Texas.

Everyone has a g*n.

Ahhh!

Yeah, yeah. This movie's so lame.

Man, she deserved it.

She had sex.

And like all movie sluts before her, she must die.

Ahhh!

No. She was about to take her shirt off.

Trick or treat!

Okay, here you go.

Mmm!

Raisins!

Ew!

No, raisins are good for you.

Raisins are nature's candy.

And eggs are nature's hand grenades.

Kitty, don't give 'em raisins.

It just pisses 'em off.

Jeez, I hate Halloween.

Well, you used to love Halloween.

Remember that party we had when we first moved in here?

Oh. Mother Forman.

I see that you let yourself in again.

Boy, that's an awful lot of food.

I can't imagine that you have that many friends, Kitty.

Oh.

Well, speaking of friends, how are your four cats?

Hey, Frank, uh, pull my finger.

No way.

You were killin' me in the car, man.

Oh, good, you're home.

Hey, Kitty.

I like your outfit.

You're a Kitty.

Yes, I am, Frank.

And what are you?

Bum. I'm a bum!

And I knew that.

Red, honey, um...

I could use some help here.

Gee, Kitty, I'd really like to help you out, but we gotta take these out to the garage and get plowed!

He is such a good boy.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Dr. Farrell.

Hmm.

Really?

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Oh! Thank you.

Thank you, Doctor.

Yeah. Thank you.

Wrong number.

Oh, God.

No!

You're pregnant.

Yes, I am.

Do you know who the father is?

You know what I hear is nice?

Florida.

Look at this dump.

No wonder Hyde tried to burn it down.

You know, Fez, a man died in that fire.

A gym teacher.

Coach...

Smith.

Some say his specter still roams the halls to this day.

Take a la-a-a-p...

Give me 20.

Walk it of-f-f-f...

All right, guys, let's just cut it out, okay?

You're scaring the women.

Out of my way!

Kelso, it was the window.

Yeah, I knew that.

Out of my way?

No, I didn't say that.

Yes, you did, just before you knocked her over.

No. I... I was protecting you.

Protecting me?

Yeah. I was trying to draw the ghosts away from you.

Ghosts are attracted to movement.

That's a scientific fact.

You know what? I don't care.

You're an idiot, and science is stupid!

Donna, let's go.

Gee, wonder what we're gonna talk about.

You're doomed!

God, I can't believe Michael pushed me out of the way like that.

Me neither. I figured he'd use you as a human shield.

Donna, the most noble thing a man can do is lay down his life for a woman he loves.

Ideally, while she's still young and can remarry.

Do you know who protected me there?

Fez.

Well, he had to. He's Batman.

And the man said, "Here's your daughter's sweater.

"She left it in my car last night."

And the woman said, "Why, that's impossible.

"My daughter died 10 years ago

"wearing that

"very

"sweater."

So?

So, she was dead.

And... He gave her a ride.

And she was dead!

When I was six, the mayor of our town was hung from a tree.

Your story was not scary.

Not scary?

The ghost of a dead girl gave him her sweater.

What does a ghost need with a sweater, man?

Maybe it's to keep her guts from falling out.

You can tell it was not scary because Michael-ina here did not run screaming for the door.

Hey. Where is it written that a guy has to protect his girl? Huh?

And I'll have you know that the feminine form of my name is Michelle.

Look, Michelle, I don't want to come out in favor of saving Jackie, but that's the price you pay for docking your love boat in Jackie-Vallarta.

Okay.

So Ichabod Crane lived in the village of Sleepy Hollow...

Wait, don't tell me.

He left his jacket somewhere.

Okay, that's it.

Halloween's over.

There's just... There's nothing that scares us anymore.

Hey, guys, we found something scary.

Yeah, it was in the principal's office.

Oh, my God.

Those look like...

Like...

They are.

Our permanent records.

Wow!

Our permanent records.

Uh, you know what?

They probably left these here after the school burned down.

Hey. Pinciotti, Donna.

Well...

Looks like someone we know had a real hard time keeping their clothes on in kindergarten.

What?

It was just a stupid phase.

I'm sure glad that's over.

Oh, listen to this.

"I fear that despite Steven's high IQ, "he's a born troublemaker

"and is destined to be the smartest man

"in his cell block."

What?

They couldn't have known that in second grade.

"Steven willfully and maliciously

"destroyed Christine del Bueno's

"shoe box diorama of the four food groups."

You're a monster.

A horrible, horrible monster.

Yeah, real funny, but I didn't do it.

You know what's really funny, Hyde?

What, Forman?

Heh, heh.

I broke the diorama.

You?

Hers was better than mine.

I had to smash it.

I left out dairy.

You know, that's when everybody turned against me.

They pegged me as a bad kid.

And once that happens, you're labeled forever.

You ruined my life, Forman.

No he didn't.

Hi. No offense, but with an alcoholic mom and an absent dad, you were bound to end up in jail sooner or later.

I said, "No offense."

Yeah, right.

Let's see what that file says about you, Jackie.

Go ahead. I have a perfect record.

Would anybody like to know what Jackie's middle name is?

Jackie's middle name is...

No!

I hate you!

Argh!

It's Beulah.

Trick or treat.

Oh, you look so cute in your little costumes.

Arrrr!

Damn, Frank, that's funny.

Look, he lost his candy.

Oh, that was not funny, Red.

Those were just little kids.

Well, that's what makes it funny.

Well, think about it, honey.

Would it be funny if it were your own kids?

But I don't have kids.

Well, you might.

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

I'm pregnant.

Oh, no!

No, I mean, uh...

Oh, crap.

Yeah.

All right, nobody move.

Somebody took my last box of Sugar Babies.

Oh, no, wait. I was sitting on them.

Gee, Fez, you didn't give Forman a chance to pin it on me.

I didn't pin anything on you.

No?

Well, when Mrs. Hodgkiss was yelling at me in front of the whole class, you didn't exactly step up and take responsibility.

What were you thinking?

Hmm. I guess I was thinking, "I'm seven!"

Hey. Hey, hey!

Let's not fight, all right?

It's Halloween, man.

It's time for peace on earth and good will towards men.

Let's read another file.

Yeah, 'cause that's working out great so far.

All right, fine. I'll read from my own, okay?

Oh. Okay.

Here's a secret you guys don't know about me

'cause it happened the year before I moved here.

When I was in first grade, I used to wear this red cape to school and pretend I was Superman.

You must have looked really stupid.

Wait, wait, wait. First grade?

Yeah.

No, no, no. When you moved here, you and I were in first grade. That's how we met.

No, we didn't.

Man, you had to repeat first grade?

Oh, my God!

Michael, say it's not true.

It was... It was cursive writing, all right?

All those stupid squiggles and bumps.

I wouldn't do it!

You mean you couldn't do it.

No! I wouldn't do it, and that's why they held me back!

Plus, I might have k*lled the class bunny.

Why?

That's okay, Kelso. Let it out.

I mean, it sucked, you know?

Living this lie, pretending to be a year younger than I really am.

Wait a minute. You're 18?

Yeah.

That's why I've always seemed more mature than you guys.

Are you telling me that all this time you could have been buying us beer?

You bastard.

What...

No!

It's not what you think.

You're dead to me.

But Eric ruined your life.

And if I had a beer, I could be getting over it right now.

Beer!

Beer! Beer!

All right, everybody, just leave him alone!

Okay? Because he may be a liar, but at least he's not a backstabber like Eric.

Stay out of this, Beulah.

Oh, don't call me that.

Oh, sorry...

Beulah.

Fine.

You know what?

Donna kissed Hyde last year.

What?

Don't mess with me.

That...

That's a lie. Hyde kissed me.

Well, that is just so much better.

How... How could you do this, man?

I guess I'm just a born troublemaker.

Or maybe you turned me into one.

You are so dead, Beulah.

Hey! Leave her alone, all right?

Okay. Yeah.

Jackie told me Fez was a better kisser than you, Kelso.

Ahhh!

Were you ever gonna tell me about Hyde?

It hurts when your friends s*ab you in the back, don't it?

How would I know?

I have no friends!

Let's go, pal!

Stop it!

Can't you see what is happening?

Those permanent records are tearing us apart.

Batman's right.

Look what we've become.

We're like animals.

Those files are evil, man.

We've got to destroy them.

But how, Jackie?

How?

Oh, my God.

Now my Sugar Babies really are gone.

Kitty.

I'm really sorry about what I said.

You mean, "Oh, no," and "crap"?

Right, that's it.

I'm sorry. I...

It's just...

It was a big shock, you know?

It was a really big shock for me, too, and I said, "Oh, good" and "Yay."

No, I... I feel like that, too.

It's just that I...

Well, I...

I needed a minute for it to sink in.

But once it sunk in, I realized I was really happy.

You really mean that?

Of course I do.

It's gonna be great.

I can't wait to be a father.

Hey, Red!

Great news! I found a way to drink beer faster! Come on!

Go home, Frank.

I'm busy.

Okay. Yeah.

Oh, wow.

I think you're maturing.

Well...

You know, the truth is...

Frank's getting on my nerves a little bit.

I mean, he's... He's kind of...

He's an ass.

And he's dumb.

He's a...

Dumb-ass.

Hey.

Come here.

And then you gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Uh-huh.

And then Eric.

Who is just wonderful.

And I've grown up a lot since then.

Oh, you're dead, kid!

Michael, I'm cold.

And this is stupid.

We should just burn the files.

Jackie, they've already been in a fire.

They can't be destroyed that way.

See you in hell, permanent records.

Now we have to swear we'll never speak of this ever again.

Except the part about Kelso buying us beer.

Yeah, naturally.

But otherwise it's like this night never happened, okay?

Beulah.

No!

No!

No!

Ahhh!

Mmm.

Stolen Sugar Babies.