03x04 - Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die

[bunniefuu]

And now back to the Hitchcock Halloween Movie Marathon.

Boo!

Damn it, Fez!

Oh! Damn, Fez!

What the hell are you doing?

I don't know if you know this, but you're dressed like a girl...

And not a nice girl.

Kelso, you spilled juice all over your shirt.

You look stupid.

Yeah, hey, Kelso, while you're over there, would you please, please toss Fez a pair of pants?

Or at least a skirt.

No, I am Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

You know, my Bible-thumping host parents were really upset about my rock-hard ass.

Fez, put it away or take it outside.

So, Eric, do you want to get out of here, do something fun for Halloween?

I do!

I've got to go to this stupid Halloween party with Laurie's stupid friends.

Not only do I have to wear a suit, but all of her guy friends act like they've done it with her before.

Uh, Kelso...

Leave it. Okay.

Whatever. There's nothing to do.

It's like we're too old to trick or treat, and too young to die.

Oh, hey, we could take Fez to Chicago and peddle his ass for beer.

I'm game.

Eric, I meant maybe there's something, you know, we could do... Together.

I doubt it.

Oh!

That is a burn!

Wait. What?

No. I... No, I didn't mean it like that.

Nope. Sorry, Eric. That was a burn.

And what's burnt is burnt.

And what's burnt is Donna.

Oh, so we're out of fun things to do?

You're already bored of your girlfriend?

No. I meant this town, not you, pretty lady.

You know what would be fun?

Is if we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn't know it, and then someone told us, and we were like, "Oh, man, I'm in a movie!"

Yeah, okay. I'm out of here.

Wait. But I thought we were...

Get bent! Okay, I'll do that.

You know what will cheer you up?

A little trick-or-treating.

Hello? Stop bouncing that damn ball and let's do something.

Yeah, you know, I can't, Fez, 'cause I can't even look at you.

I don't know whether to throw you out or throw you down and make sweet love to you.

You know, that says more about you than it does him.

Well, I'm not the one dressed like a damn girl.

But the damn girl has your ball.

Like I care about a...

Man, that's my ball.

Oh, these heels are k*lling me.

Okay, Fez, that's it.

Give the ball back, and no one gets hurt.

Hey, you guys, you want to go outside and watch Eric and Fez run around?

Someone might get hurt.

It's funny when people get hurt.

Especially when they're in their underwear.

That's great.

The only person dumb enough to get hurt around here is you.

Okay, Jackie, I'm really starting to get sick... Ow!

I'll give you the ball, Eric.

Just don't fall.

I don't want anyone to fall. No falling.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, Fez.

Well, you got a bad sprain here, and not to mention a run in your stocking.

So, you were running around, chasing him on the roof because he took your little rubber ball.

That wasn't a ball.

It was a Super Ball.

Yeah, you should see that thing bounce.

It's pretty super.

Dumb asses.

Um, get Fez a blanket.

He needs to cover his... His...

He just... He needs to cover up.

Get off me, you girl.

What...

What happened?

Honey, you just had a little touch of vertigo there, so just stay away from heights for a while, and you'll be fine.

Oh, see?

You see that, Jackie? Fez hurt himself.

There is someone stupider than me.

Look, it's not his fault he's stupid.

He's foreign.

What's your excuse, stupid?

Well, I know one thing's for sure.

There's definitely someone bitchier than me.

Oh, you better not mean me.

Oh, I so mean you!

Nice burn. Top shelf.

Thanks.

Well, now, that's strange.

Midge's car is right there.

Bob said she wasn't home.

In fact, I haven't seen her for days.

Maybe she went to the store and forgot where she lived.

Oh, that's... That's wrong.

Okay, Fez. This'll cheer you up.

With these, you can look into the Pinciotti's house and frequently enjoy a naked Midge, up close and personal.

That's exactly how I like my naked Midges.

Oh, but, Fez, be warned.

If Bob approaches naked Midge, look away.

Oh, for the love of God, look away.

Okay, let's practice.

Naked Midge, naked Midge, naked Midge, naked Midge, Bob!

I think you're gonna be okay.

No. Okay. Sure.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Red, I need you to take this soup up to Fez.

No, Kitty.

He's wearing ladies' underwear, so, uh, no.

Well, crazy bird lady from next door called me.

Her bingo cruise got stuck out on Lake Michigan, so she asked me to feed her birds.

So you have a choice, feed the birds or feed the Fez.

Give me panty boy's damn soup.

Hello, pretty birds.

Hello, pretty damn big birds.

It's your Aunt Kitty.

Okay.

Hey.

Oh, I've seen this one.

See, those guys think that Cary Grant's a secret agent, but he's not.

It's a case of mistaken identity.

Like you've mistaken me for someone who wants you here.

Right.

Wait.

Oh, kick back. I'll get it.

No, it's the paperboy.

Well, Mr. Forman, you have to answer the door.

Look. I forgot to pay him for the last couple of weeks, and I didn't pick up any cash, so just ignore it.

Red, I don't think you understand, okay?

I can't let a doorbell go unanswered.

Don't answer the damn door!

I gotta! Don't!

But I gotta! All right. Fine!

You pay him, kettlehead.

Hey, Forman, I want my money.

Oh, uh... Oh, there's no Formans here.

See for yourself.

Then why does it say "Forman" on your shirt?

Oh, I borrowed the shirt.

That's a bunch of bullcorn, Forman!

Now give me my money.

I'm not Forman, okay?

Look, don't you think you're taking this paperboy thing a little too serious?

I'm a very serious paperboy.

Okay, you know what this is?

This is a case of mistaken identity.

See, you are mistaken about my identity.

Fork it over, Forman!

Look, someone's stealing your bike.

All right. There's two guys stupider than me.

Hey. Hey.

Any sign of naked Midge yet?

No. Just Bob dragging in big, heavy garbage bags.

What do you suppose is in them?

Oh, I don't know.

Guessing garbage.

Or... You know how Mrs. Kitty said she hasn't seen Midge in a few days?

What if naked Midge is in the bags?

Red. Red, I k*lled a bird.

Aw.

And then... And then the rest of them, they just...

They glared at me with this...

This birdie hate look.

I can't go back there.

I have got to find somebody else to feed those birds, somebody who won't flinch in the face of evil.

Oh, and there's Mommy's girl.

Laurie, have I got a job for you.

Not interested.

It pays 10 bucks.

All right. I'll do anything for 10 bucks.

And... And for once, that's a good thing.

Donna, what's wrong?

You look sad.

I think Eric thinks I'm boring.

Do you think I'm boring?

Yeah, a little.

But it's not like it's a bad thing.

The world needs people like you.

You're the gray that makes the color, me, pop!

Jackie, I'm not boring.

Eric and I do lots of fun stuff together.

We go to movies...

Every Friday, early show.

What? I get sleepy.

Oh, no.

Boring, boring, boring!

Boring, boring, boring!

Hey, it's the hot blonde.

That's not a hot blonde. It's Donna.

Where is she going?

Maybe she's going trolling for men who don't piss her off.

Oh. That's so funny, Hyde.

I don't know where she's going.

But I'm gonna follow her.

Would you stop doing that?

Hey, I don't know how this fits in your m*rder theory, but Bob's wearing an apron with guts all over it and holding a big carving knife.

He did k*ll Midge.

And I never got to see her naked!

That's $2.50, plus 50 cent tip, 'cause I'm good!

See you next week, Forman.

I'm not Forman!

First of all, Mrs. Forman, I'm using your shower.

And second of all, you have to pay your paperboy!

So how'd it go? Did you feed the birds?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, I think I did.

Well, either you did or you didn't.

Well, you didn't, either, and you didn't even get pooped on!

Now go feed your own stupid birds!

Oh, Hyde, please be careful.

I want you to catch some clues.

I don't want you stuck in the garbage bag with dead, naked Midge.

Cold beers.

Hyde is so funny.

Oh, what is he going to do? Is he going to moon me?

Oh, run, Hyde, run!

Don't forget the beers.

Please.

Why are you in my bathroom? Get out, out, out!

I need the shower! I got pooped on!

All right, stop it. Cut it out!

That's really hot!

Oh, my God, you spilled my shampoo, you idiot!

Help.

You can't k*ll me like you k*lled Midge, you big doofy.

Midge? I didn't k*ll Midge.

She's in Chicago visiting her sister.

Oh, really? Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?

Garbage, you idiot.

Oh, well, I guess that explains the giant knife, guts all over your apron.

Oh, wait. No, it doesn't.

Explain that, k*ller.

They were pumpkin guts.

I was making jack-o'-lanterns.

So, you're hiding Midge's body in a jack-o'-lantern.

Clever plan.

Look, there's Midge now, not dead or nothing.

Oh, goody. You can go now. Thanks.

Midgie, no! Cover yourself!

Ow.

Give it, give it!

Donna, Donna!

Why would she go up the water tower?

Why does she wanna be up there?

And why am I talking to myself?

I have to...

...climb.

Donna.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I guess you've caught me.

And if you must know the truth, I'm not boring, you ass.

I never said you were boring.

How'd you know I'd follow you here?

I saw you spying on me.

I wasn't... No, I wasn't spying on you.

I was teaching Fez how to spy on your naked...

Yeah, you know what? I was spying on you.

Weird night.

Please, Donna, tell me there's not a head in that basket.

No, no. It's just a picnic.

So...

So we're okay?

Ow, you're on my wig.

Oh, God! I'm gonna die!

Eric, hold on. I'm gonna pull you up.

No, Donna, you can't do it. You're just a girl.

Okay, whoa. Okay.

Okay. It's okay, you got it. That's...

You know, it was never really...

Ow.

Oh, my goodness. A phone booth.

That's lucky.

Oh, thank God. It was just a dream.

Well, I can't go back there. I just can't.

So, you know, Donna, even though my ankle's sprained, I can still probably make it up that water tower.

You know, finish what we started.

I would, but I don't know if I can.

I mean, something happened to me up there, too.

Oh, I know. Vertigo, right? Fear of heights.

No, Eric. Fear of sex!