04x05 - Shallow Boy

[bunniefuu]

[COLD OPEN]

[SCENE: Outside the Matthew Family's wilderness store, a girl in her early twenties, named Corinna, sits outside on the step playing happy songs on her guitar as people drop money into her guitar case. An older man stands near Corinna with a look of disgust on his face. Eric approaches from the left.]

[FADE IN:]

CORINNA
(singing)
I dreamed a day like this, when children laugh and play like this, and the sun shine's just for me, and I feel good!

MAN
Make it stop.

CORINNA
(singing)
And the sunshine's just for me, and I feel good!
(Eric throws money into Corinna's guitar case and starts to enter the Matthews' wilderness store)
CORINNA
(singing)
A handsome passerby tosses, me a twenty dollar bill,

ERIC
Whoa.
(Eric, realizing his mistake, scrambles to get his money back)
CORINNA
(singing)
And the sun shine's just for me, and I feel good!
(Eric enters the store)
ALAN
Close the door will ya, will ya please close it?

ERIC
Aww, what's the matter dad, a little too perky for ya out there this morning?
(Corinna continues to sing as Eric closes the door behind him)

ALAN
Nobody's come in here. She's scaring all the customers away.

ERIC
Well, would you rather have the smelly old guy who use to spit on people?

ALAN
Yeah, yeah get him, get him and get rid of her.

ERIC
Me, why me?

ALAN
Because we're equal parteners in this business, and I'm your father, and you do what I tell you to do.

ERIC
Well, as long as I know the rules.
(Eric exits the store in order to talk to Corinna)
CORINNA
(singing)
Feel the warmth. Can you feel it? Can you feel it, it's warm? It's warm and I feel good!

ERIC
Excuse me, miss, I'm really sorry, could you just...
(Corinna looks up from her guitar at Eric, their eyes meet, and Eric suddenly becomes aware of her good looks)
CORINNA
(singing)
The sun shine's just for me...

ERIC, CORINNA
(singing)
...and I feel good!
(Eric drops more money into the guitar case and returns to the store with a dazed expression)
ALAN
So, it's done?

ERIC
Ahh, of course it's not done, I mean, don't you know me at all? Why would you send me to do something like that?

ALAN
She smiled at you?

ERIC
Ghey-Hea!

ALAN
All right, look. Take her to lunch and ask her to take her act further down the road. Can you handle that?

ERIC
Ha! Can I handle that? Yeah, I can handle that or fail to do so. But I'm gonna need some money, so, can you give me some, cause I gave her all of mine.
[SCENE: Inside Feeny's classroom, Cory, Shawn, Topanga, and the rest of the class sit as Mr. Feeny lectures on the importance of voting rights]
MR. FEENY
And as this will be the last presidential election in which you do not cast a ballot, I want this classroom to be an open forum to disscuss the issues, which most concern your life. Mr. Hunter, what issue most concerns your life?

SHAWN
The swimsuit issue. How am I doing?

MR. FEENY
Bravo, Mr. Hunter. Mr. Matthews?

CORY
Ahh, yes, actually there is a pressing social matter, which I feel equipped to disscuss with confidence and alacrity.

MR. FEENY
Ahh, well then, you have the floor Mr. Matthews.

CORY
Nah, that used me up.

MR. FEENY
Save us Miss Lawrence.

TOPANGA
Well, first of all, I'd just like to say that I think Cory's really cute for trying.

CORY
Oh thank you, sugar.

TOPANGA
And, that I think the biggest crisis facing this country is the breakdown of the American family.

SHAWN
Oh. You always gotta go after Shawn.

TOPANGA
Well I just think that lots of other issues, like crime and the decline in education...

SHAWN
Hey, hey, lay off me.

TOPANGA
...All have to do with how we're brought up in our homes.

MR. FEENY
Well now. I agree with you Miss Lawrence.

SHAWN
That's it.
(Shawn gets up and walks to the door of the classroom and turns to Mr. Feeny)
MR. FEENY
Mr. Hunter?
(Shawn points his hand up in the air just as the bell sounds)
MR. FEENY
Oh, that's it.
(The class gets up and leaves the room, as Cory and Topanga follow Shawn out to his locker)
CORY
Shawn, you're not really upset, are you?

SHAWN
What? That I'm personally responsible for the breakdown of American society? No, I got bigger problems.

CORY
I know. I got problems too. I mean, Topanga and I were supposed to go out tonight, but it's not happening.

SHAWN
Oh well that's good. Now we got ourselves a rare guys night out. You and me. Two guys catching up.

CORY
Allright, I'm in to that. The boys, together again. So, ah, it's a pretty lucky thing Topanga's babysitting tonight, huh?

SHAWN
Woa, woa, woa, woa, woa. You have a girlfriend who's babysitting?

CORY
Yeah, late into the night. So burgers or a movie?

SHAWN
Cory, there's no burgers. There's no movie. There's just you and your girlfriend in a stranger's house, no interuptions, alone, on a couch.

CORY
Ahhhh...

SHAWN
Ahhhh...

CORY
Cory Matthews, a parents worst nightmare. Lock up your daughters, the hormones will be a flyin tonight. You believe me?

SHAWN
No, but, you're very sweet.
[SCENE: At the resaurant, Chubbies, Eric and Corinna sit in a booth talking over a nice lunch, when Corinna starts talking about her music.]
CORINNA
(singing)
I got interested in music, when I saw my frst broadway show.

ERIC
Ahh, Corinna, Corinna, uh, talk. Use your words. It's ok just to talk.

CORINNA
Oh, ok. Well, I saw Annie, and when that little girl sang "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow", I felt, like she was talking to me.

ERIC
Ahh, did she maybe mention that you should write something with a little more, edge?

CORINNA
Uhh, you sound just like my uncle at the record company.

ERIC
Oh you have a record deal?

CORINNA
Not yet. Uncle David says I don't have enough edge. He seems to think I don't have enough life experience yet.

ERIC
Man, that must have really, ah, put you in a bad mood. Brought you down, put you in a, in a dark place.

CORINNA
(laughs)

ERIC
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

CORINNA
No. I mean, I just do what I always do. I put my feelings in a song.
(Corinna begins to play her guitar again)
CORINNA
(singing)
Thank you Uncle David, for listening to my song, and only taking two calls, and I'll try to be more edgy. But I can't right now, because I'm looking at a, dandalion, dandalion.
[SCENE: Topanga stands inside a boy named Billy Epperson's house, with his mother and father. Topanga is seeing Mr. and Mrs. Epperson to the door and preparing to babysit him for the remainder of the night.]
MRS. EPPERSON
Now Topanga, Billy's bedtime is?

TOPANGA
Nine o'clock sharp.

MRS. EPPERSON
And the emergency numbers are?

TOPANGA
Posted next to the telephone.

MRS. EPPERSON
And?

TOPANGA
No boys.

MRS. EPPERSON
And?

TOPANGA
No boys at all.
(Topanga walks to and opens the door for Mr. and Mrs. Epperson to find Cory standing in the doorway. Cory, realizing what's wrong, picks up an empty water jug and pretends to be a water guy.)
CORY
Water Guy.

TOPANGA
Don't worry he's not staying, I know your rules. No boys. (turns to Cory) What are you doing here?

MRS. EPPERSON
Oh, Topanga. When I said no boys, I didn't mean this kind of boy. This is Amy and Alan's little boy.

MR. EPPERSON
Uh-huh.

CORY
Amy and Alan's "dangerous" little boy.

MR. EPPERSON
We're all dangerous in the beginning.

MRS. EPPERSON
We'll be out late. If you two get dozy, just take a little nap on the couch.

MR. EPPERSON
Very comfortable couch. Lie down on it, you'll think you're dead. It's wonderful.

(Billy's mother and father exit the house, leaving Cory and Topanga alone in the front room)

TOPANGA
I'm glad you come over, "dangerous" boy. Why don't you get all dangerous on the couch, and I'll get us something to eat.
(Topanga leaves the front room and goes into the kitchen)
CORY
Ok. Allright, allright, cozy couch, empty house, dangerous guy. Everything is working out according to plan. What could possibly go wrong?
(Billy jumps up from behind the couch, bringing to Cory's attention that he was not alone)
CORY
Can I help you with something?

BILLY
Your Morgan's brother.

CORY
Uh-huh, and aren't you supposed to be in bed?

BILLY
I got a Nintendo 64-bit upstairs.

CORY
Well why are we down here.
(Topanga enters back into the room)

TOPANGA
Billy, what are you doing up?

CORY
Uh, he's got 64 bits.

TOPANGA
Well, he's got 9:00 bed.

CORY
Ahh, Topanga, let him have five minutes. I really want to play.
(Topanga sits down on the couch to talk to Billy as Cory mocks her from behind her back)
TOPANGA
Listen Billy. Your parents have entrusted me with your care and I am obligated to folow the rules that they have clearly laid out. (turns to Cory) What were you doing?

CORY
I love you.
(Topanga gives him a dirty look and turns back to Billy)
TOPANGA
Get to bed, right now.

BILLY
Can't I watch tv?

CORY
Sure.

TOPANGA
No, Cory?

CORY
No, Billy? What were you thinking?

BILLY
But it's the Friday Night Line-Up.

CORY
Oooh... the Fridy Night Line-Up.

TOPANGA
What does that have to do with anything?

CORY
The Friday Night Line-Up? It's only the best shows on tv. I mean, you walk into school Monday morning and you didn't see the Friday Night Line-Up. Forget it! You got nothing to say.

BILLY
Don't take that away from me.
(Topanga turns to talk to Cory as Billy mocks her from behind her back)
TOPANGA
I cannot believe you are undermining my authority. I am this child's babysitter, and I take my responsibility very seriously. (turns to Billy) What were you doing?

BILLY
I love you?

CORY
(laughs)

TOPANGA
What? You think this is funny?

CORY
No Miss-triss Topanga, I-I think it's the opposite of funny. I-I think it's... wood.

BILLY
Will you please let me watch my favorite show? It's on right now.

TOPANGA
But its 9:30, I know you don't stay up past 9:00.

BILLY
It use to be on at 8:30, but this year they moved it to 9:30. Those idiots.

CORY
Wait a minute. They moved that show to 9:30? Why?

BILLY
No one knows.

CORY
Well was it doing badly at 8:30?

BILLY
No.

CORY
Well why didn't they leave it alone.

BILLY
They're trying to k*ll it. They're trying to k*ll it.

CORY
Those are bad, bad people.

TOPANGA
Cory, we have to have a little talk.

CORY
Right after the show honey.

TOPANGA
There will be no show. (turns to Billy) Get to bed.
(Billy leaves the room)
CORY
Well that was nicley done. Now it's just you and dangerous me on a cozy couch.

TOPANGA
You're going home.

CORY
Well, then it's just you. What fun could that be?

TOPANGA
You have no idea what this is about, do you?

CORY
Yes, I do, and it happens to be a very important issue, not just to me and you, but to all men and women in relationships both here and abroad.

TOPANGA
You have no idea what this is about, do you?

CORY
Oh, do I ever?
(Billy comes racing back into the room)
BILLY
Hey, Cory, you're missing a real funny one. The curly headed kid just keeps on digging himself in deeper and deeper.
(Billy takes Cory and drags him out of the room)
CORY
I love that kid. He is such a doof.
[SCENE: Back at Chubbies with Corinna, who is still talking about her music carreer, and Eric, who has his head down on the table looking worn out and deeply annoyed.]
CORINNA
I mean, I don't know what Uncle David could have possibly meant by life experience. I'm 18 yers old. I've been to a sleep-away camp. I even got on the wrong bus once. I had a goldfish who d*ed.

ERIC
su1c1de, was it?

CORINNA
Oh, you. Hey.
(Corinna starts to play her guitar again)
CORINNA
(singing)
Oh you, oh you. I'm glad I know you, and I'm glad you know me too. I'll never get the flu, and go a-choo, choo, choo.

ERIC
Ok, ok, ok. Check... check!

CORINNA
Is there something wrong?

ERIC
No, no. No, nothing's wrong. I was just um, I was just looking around, and I noticed all these people were-were-were watching you and listening to your song and I was afraid they were gonna steal it, and-and I don't know, go-go sell it to Andrew Lloyd Webber, who'd then write a three hour musical about your dead goldfish.

CORINNA
Would he call it "Goldie"?

ERIC
No, he'd call it "Check". "Check", he would call it.

CORINNA
You know, when I got up this morning, I had no idea that before the day was over, I'd meet someone I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, and all our lives to come.

ERIC
Ok, Corinna. Um, I don't know how to say this, so I'm gonna choose my words very carefully. I think you're a pshyco. I wanna get as far away from you as I possibly can.

CORINNA
What?

ERIC
Well, I, I'm just not the guy for you. I mean, you need a guy who's-who's happy, and perky all the time. You know, maybe a guy who's had part of his brain removed, and he think's he's a bunny. And you guys can go out and be bunnies together. CHECK! (the waitress throws all of her papers in the air from the surprise of the scream) For the love of God, will someone please give me a check?

CORINNA
You don't wanna see me anymore, do you?

ERIC
Oh, see it's not just that. I wanna put you on a rocket ship and send you to planet Fla-Flu-Ga.

CORINNA
This has never happened to me before.
(Corinna starts to play her guitar, strumming a very dark sounding chord)
ERIC
That's a minor chord.

CORINNA
(singing)
I wanna give in to my heart, I wanna give it up, who I am, but you trammpled on my soul, cause you don't understand. Your, shadow. Your, shadow. Look at that shadow, boy.
(Eric sits waiting as he watches Corinna continue to sing and play her guitar)

[SCENE: Cory begins to talk to Topanga out in the hall at her locker during lunch, as everybody else goes to the cafeteria to eat tacos.]
CORY
Topanga, the lunch bell sounded and I thought maybe you and I could grab a biteskie at this charming little place I know called... the Cafeteria.

TOPANGA
What would be the point Cory?

CORY
Well, first I'm gonna take a step back and then I'm gonna tell you. There are three points. I'm hungry, you're my girlfriend, and it's Taco Bar Tuesday.

TOPANGA
You would feed tacos to our child?

CORY
Our wah? You-you and I are gonna have a child? Wait a minute. We've only kissed. I mean, I knew I was a good kisser, but, wow!

TOPANGA
Our future child. The one we'd have if we got married.

CORY
Oh, that kid? Would I feed him tacos? Yeah, four for 99 cents, he's gonna be taco crazy.

TOPANGA
You're not getting that I'm really upset with you.

CORY
Oh no, my precious peach, I had that rigt away.

TOPANGA
Do you know why I'm upset with you?

CORY
Yes, me, something I've done, or haven't done, or did do, but didn't do properly. Now with that said, (pointing to his mouth), taco!

TOPANGA
You let Bily stay up last Friday night. You'd rather be pals with our kid than a strong, responsible role-model.

CORY
Ummm-hmmm, ummm-hmmm, and yet, if I may at the risk of being argumentative, we don't have any kids!

TOPANGA
And we're not gonna, you know why?

CORY
Cause we're just kissin?

TOPANGA
Because I believe that a family falls apart if they are not strong, authoratative role-models at home.

CORY
Topanga, it wasn't our home. It wasn't our kid. Now, I'm sure what you're saying probably makes a lot of since, but right now my blood sugar level's dropping, and all I want's a little taco.

TOPANGA
Well if that taco is more important to you than our child, then this family has disfunction written all over it.
(Topanga exits to the right, while Shawn enters from the left with a taco in his hand)
SHAWN
Hey, Cor., taco?

CORY
I don't think I'm supposed to have one.

[SCENE: Cory and Shawn enter the Matthews' wilderness store, where Alan is standing behind the counter. Eric is in front of the counter keeping busy.]
CORY
Eric, you know how you got this great job with dad, and your life's finally beginning to come together?

ERIC
Yeah.

CORY
That's over.

ERIC
Why?

SHAWN
CD player, you got one?

ERIC
Yeah, under the counter here, let me just pull out "The Sounds of the Sleepin Sled Dogs".

SHAWN
We were walking by Varsity Records when we saw them putting these in the window.

ERIC
Hey. This looks just like Corinna.

SHAWN
Yeah, ain't that a hoot.

ERIC
Wait, she put out a record? How'd she do that so fast? ..."Uncle David's Records and Tapes", oh.

ALAN
Adult advisory, lyrics not suitabe for children?

ERIC
Wonder why?
(Eric puts in the CD and they all stand and listen to Corinna's #1 single, "Sahdow")
CORY
Wow! She sounds really angry.

SHAWN
That was the ballad.

ERIC
Come on, I mean, thare's two billion people in the world. She could be angry about anything. This could be about anybody.
(Shawn reaches out and takes the CD from Eric)
SHAWN
Track #2: "Eric Matthews, You're so Vain You Probably Didn't Know The Song Before This Was About You".

CORY
All signs point to you.

ERIC
All right, fine, but I mean, this was just a vanity CD, you know. This is somethin' her Uncle put together in a booth somewhere. It's not like anybody's ever gonna here this.
(Shawn reaches over the counter and turns on the radio)
RADIO ANNOUNCER
You're tuned in to FM 109. Well, if you thought Alantis held a grudge, you ain't heard nothin' yet. Her name is Corinna and she's real angry at some pitiful creep named Eric Matthews. This one oughta be on the charts for 20 years.
(The radio man cuts out and Corinna's hit, "Shadow", starts to play)
ERIC
I'm famous.
[SCENE: Inside the MAtthews' home, Cory is sitting on the couch, reading a book on parenting tips, when Amy enters the room from the right.]
AMY
It's so-so good to see you studying. "So you're gonna be a daddy"... Oh boy. Suddenly I have no legs.

CORY
No, no, it's not what's your thinking Miss Dirty Mind, it's research.

AMY
Research, why?

CORY
Well because, one day Topanga's gonna be a mother and I'm gonna be the father... or the uncle... or the way I'm going, the guy down the street with the binoculars, but, I just wanna be ready for what ever it is I'm gonna be.

AMY
Well that's good Cor. but, mostly you learn from experience. I mean, your dad and I weren't prepared in advance, but we did the best we could, and we ended up with three wonderful, well-adjusted children.
(Eric opens the door and walks in to the house)
ERIC
Hey, now I'm a mal-adjusted, woman hating, looser freak!

AMY
Ok, two.

CORY
Corinna came out with a new song huh?
(Eric walks over to the couch and sits down with Cory and Amy, at this moment Morgan comes down the stairs from her bedroom, with headphones on, singing to the music)
MORGAN
(singing)
He's a looser freak, looser freak, he's a mal-adjusted looser freak. He's a woman hating, mal-adjusted, looser freak.
(Morgan takes head phones off and leans closer to Eric)
MORGAN
I can't believe you're my brother. Ewwwwwww!
(Morgan puts headphones back on and prances to the kitchen)
MORGAN
(singing)
He's a looser freak, looser freak.

ERIC
This is a very difficult situation here. I mean, Corinna's a very sweet girl, with great artistic spirit. It'd just be wrong to crush that.
(Morgan burts back intothe room from the kitchen entry)
MORGAN
(singing)
And he doesn't like girls, cause he afraid of them, afraid of them. I think he likes boys if you know what I'm sayin'.
(Eric stands up, greatly annoyed)
ERIC
Ok, this chick is toast!
(Alan enters the house from outside)
ALAN
Ahh, Eric. Hey, remember that girl that was playing guitar in front of our store?

ERIC
No.

ALAN
Ah, well, ah, she's lookin' for you. She gave me this.

ERIC
Ahh, she wants to meet me later. I bet she wants to apologize.
[SCENE: At Chubbies Restaurant, Eric sits at a table, Corinna comes down the stairs and enters the resturant.]
CORINNA
I'm surprised you had the guts to show up.

ERIC
I'm surprised you're out when the sun is up.

CORINNA
(writing on a notepad)
Mysterious vampire references from a psuedo, angry man.

ERIC
Ah, what are you doin' there?

CORINNA
Oh, I just, ah, write things down from time to time. So, ah, why else don't you like me?

ERIC
Uh, cause you make my life miserable. I just want you to cut it out.

CORINNA
(writing on a notepad)
Hm, meow, meow, came the sound from the whining cat. What else you got?

ERIC
Nope, that's it. I've said my peace.

CORINNA
No, no, no, no, I-I, I know you've got lot's of anger. I mean, ah, go ahead. Yell at me, d-dump me, make me feel bad.

ERIC
Wait a minute.

CORINNA
What?

ERIC
You're out of material, aren't you?

CORINNA
I don't know what your talking about.

ERIC
Yeah, that's why you had to see me today.

CORINNA
No, it isn't.

ERIC
Yeah. Uncle Dave needs some more angry songs and you don't have 'em.

CORINNA
Uh. I have 'em. I have lots of 'em. I'm a very dark and edgy girl.

ERIC
Mm-hm. Maybe to the rest of the world. But you know what I see when I look at you? ...Dandalions.

CORINNA
What?

ERIC
Mm-hm. Pretty dandalions and flowers on a sunny day.

CORINNA
N-N-No, I-I-I-I-I-I don't wanna look at the d-dandalions. I-I-I-I-I-I'll loose my edge.

ERIC
Come on Corinna. I know your true self.

CORINNA
N-N-No, I-I'm a troubled, twisted soul. Y-Y-You know nothing about me.

ERIC
(singing)
The sun'll come out-

CORINNA
D-Don't do that.

ERIC
(singing)
Tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that... when?

CORINNA
(singing)
Tomorrow.

ERIC
(singing)
There'll be... what?

CORINNA
(singing)
Sun. Just, thinking about, Tomorrow, clears away the cob-webs, and the sta-
(Corinna notices Eric leaving)
CORINNA
Eric, a-a-are you leaving me?
(Eric rushes back over andgrabs her by the shoulder)
ERIC
(singing)
Tomorrow,

CORINNA, ERIC
(singing)
Tomorrow, I'll love ya, Tomorrow, your only, a day... (Eric sings drum part) ...away!
[SCENE: Back at the Matthews' house. Cory is on the couch with Morgan reading her a bedtime story.]
CORY
So that night, the purple duck taught all his little friends, to go to bed early, to eat our green vegetables,... (Topanga enters from the kitchen) ...and that there's no reason to be afraid of the poty. The end.

MORGAN
The little purple duck is quite the overahiever, isn't he?

CORY
Well, that's something for you to think about when you go to sleep. Now, go brush your teeth.

MORGAN
Billy Epperson said at his house, you let him stay up late and watch tv!

CORY
Morgan, have we learned nothing from the purple duck?

MORGAN
You're just making me go to bed because I'm your sister.

CORY
No, no, I'm making you go to bed because I'm your brother, and, I love you. So, go to bed.
(Morgan leans up and kisses Cory on the cheeck and goes off to bed, afterwards Cory gets up to leave and notices that Topanga has been standing in the kitchen entry)
CORY
How long have you been there?

TOPANGA
Just walked in.

CORY
Did you come over to yell at me some more?

TOPANGA
No, I heard you were babysitting, so I brought you some tacos.
(Topnanga holds up a taco bag)
CORY
Is this a trap?

TOPANGA
I just figured, empty house, cozy couch, dangerous me and maybe you.
CORY
Ok, ok, but before I lower my shields here, what exactly made you change your mind?

TOPANGA
I got to thinking about what you said about us being young and not having kids for awhile, and my guess is that by the time we do, you'll be a pretty good dad.
(Behind Cory's back Morgan comes down the stairs and quietly opens the door for a bunch of her friends, who all follow her upstairs and into her room)
CORY
You know, my guess is I will be too. You know why? Because, kids respect me. They do. They sort of think of me as Mister Discipline.
(Topanga shows Cory what Morgan is up to)
CORY
So we won't have kids.
[Action freezes]

[CLOSE CREDITS]

[TAG ENDING: At the Matthews' wilderness store, Eric stands behind the counter busy listening to the radio, while Alan sweeps and cleans in the back of the store.]
RADIO ANNOUNCER
And now we've got the latestsingle by that angry young lady, Corinna Collins, who's taking the country by storm. I haven't heard this one yet. It's called... (surprised) ..."Fuzzy Wuzzy Love".

CORINNA
(singing on the radio)
At the little house down from the dandalion puddle, is a cute, sweet boy I sure, wanna cuddle-

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Wow! That's bad! She's over!

ERIC
(gives an evil laugh)
[CLOSE SCENE]