05x13 - The Eskimo

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Opening Sequence

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Feeny is handing out papers]

Feeny: An interesting thing happened when I was grading this assignment, Mr. Hunter, yours wasn’t there.

Cory: Oh, I can explain that.

Feeny: I was speaking to Mr. Hunter.

Cory: Well, see… Shawn and I, we think so much alike, that we decided to write one paper.

Feeny: Really?

Cory: Yeah.

Feeny: Then you won’t mind sharing your grade.

Cory: No.

Shawn: Alright, so what do we get?

Feeny: (Scanning paper) Well, this was a well thought out paper, it deserves a B.

Shawn: Very fair.

Feeny: Divided by two… (Rips paper in half) That makes a D for you (puts one half on Cory’s desk) and a D for you. (Puts the other on Shawn’s)

Cory: (Upset) Hey!

Shawn: Still fair, still good…

Cory: But Mr. Feeny, come on, it’s the middle of our senior year, okay. Why are you being so tough on us with the assignments?

Feeny: You know, you’re right. Let’s forget about those D’s. Make it two F’s.

Topanga: No! Don’t fail them.

Feeny: Ah, the third musketeer chimes in!

Topanga: An F follows you around for the rest of your life.

Cory: Okay, we’ll take your D’s. Our college applications are already in.

Shawn: Yeah, well, yours are.

Cory: (Turns to Shawn) What, you haven’t sent your college applications in, Shawn, I filled them out for you!

Shawn: Cory, don’t start, okay, what’s the point? People like me don’t go to college.

Feeny: Do your assignments, Mr. Hunter, and you’ll go to college.

Shawn: And if I get in, how am I supposed to afford it, huh? There’s just so many things standing in the way… Besides, I mean, why are we doing all these assignments, they’re just busy work, what’s left to learn? (Feeny glares it Shawn evilly)

Cory: (Terror-stricken) Uh, Mr. Feeny, he just means that we’ve been here four years, and there’s nothing really left that you can teach us. (Feeny’s glare continues)

Shawn: Whoa, whoa, look at Feeny, man. Feeny, you okay? (The glare continues)

Cory: (whispering) Shawn, this is that moment that we talked about.

Shawn: Yeah, he definitely gonna blow.

Feeny: Stand up. (Cory & Shawn stand)

Cory: Okay, this is bad.

Feeny: The rest of the class please leave.

Shawn: Bad, bad…

Cory: (Waving feebly) Buh-bye… Buh-bye…

Topanga: (Meekly) Mr. Feeny, why don’t you just give them a make-up assignment? Don’t fail them.

Feeny: You better stay too, you little control freak. (Topanga is aghast) So, just because you sent in your college applications, nothing that I teach you from now on means anything, hm?

Topanga: I was just having this discussion with them the other day…

Feeny: (Angrily interrupting) Quiet!

Topanga: (Meagerly) You yelled at me… but I’m Topanga…

Feeny: Shawn? I want this assignment brought to my house by five ‘o’clock this afternoon.

Shawn: This afternoon today? That’s impossible. (Feeny glares evilly again, then walks to the chalkboard and begins to write the word “Impossible.”)

Cory: Oh, no. He’s keyed into something you said.

Shawn: This afternoon today, why doesn’t he just ask me to come up with tickets to the Superbowl?

Feeny: (Points) Mr. Hunter, here’s your new assignment. To come up with two tickets to the Superbowl by the end of the week.

Cory: Oh, come on Mr. Feeny, what makes you think you…

Feeny: (Angrily interrupting) Quiet!

Cory: (Meagerly) You yelled at me… but I’m Topanga…

Topanga: Mr. Feeny, what are you so upset about?

Feeny: Miss Lawrence, I have an assignment for you, as well. Butt out of other people’s lives for one week. Otherwise, you get an F.

Topanga: But I’ve never failed before.

Feeny: There’s a first time for everything.

Cory: That argument doesn’t get you anywhere with her.

Feeny: And as for you, Mr. Matthews, since you feel so responsible for your friends’ fate, I put their fate in your hands. Their success is your success. But if either of them fails, so do you. (Exits, pushing Shawn to the side as he does)

Shawn: (Incriminating) Thanks a lot, Topanga!

[SCENE – Jack & Eric’s balcony. Eric is sitting in a chair, reading, as Jack enters]

Jack: Hey. I didn’t hear you come in last night, must’ve had a pretty good time with your date, huh?

Eric: Evening began at seven. Started with some intimate pre-dinner conversation at a quaint little Mexican place I happen to know. Came back here and… let’s just say my clothes were off within five minutes. (Sips coffee)

Jack: You opened your big mouth, she walked out. You ate alone at Taco Bell, came home, took off all your clothes and were asleep by eight ‘o’clock.

Eric: How’d you do?

Jack: Not as good.

Eric: (Stands) Jack, what’re we gonna do?

Jack: I don’t know. It’s not us.

Eric: No, it is not us. (Starts to pour himself some coffee) You know who it is?

Jack: Them.

Eric: (Waves coffee pot) All of ‘em. (Sets pot down) We need to make a change.

Jack: Yeah, it’s time to be more choosy, my friend. Find a girl your more compatible.

Eric: You know something, you’re right. No more randomly just picking out women and hoping that they like us, I say we embark upon a mission. To find our perfect companions, our soul mates.

Jack: (Peering off the balcony) What about them?

Eric: (Yelling down) Hey, you two! No, not… Yeah, okay, you! (Smiles and waves down)

[SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Cory, Shawn, and Topanga are listening to the radio, trying to come up with ways to solve Feeny’s assignment.]

Radio announcer: …and today’s forecast is chilly in Philly as the record-breaking cold snap continues.

Cory: Okay. (To Shawn) Whaddya got?

Shawn: I got four can’t-miss ways on how to get Superbowl tickets.

Cory: Okay, give me the best one.

Shawn: I go back in time to the first Superbowl when tickets weren’t that hard to get.

Cory: (Deadpan, speechless) Good. Good. Very good, I don’t need to hear the other three. (Shawn writes on his notepad happily)

Topanga: (Singing) If you’re gonna go back in time, you could do the original assignment, and we wouldn’t be in this mess… Tra la la la la la la…

Cory: Topanga, butting in in musical form is still butting in.

Shawn: Oh! Ask Topanga, that was my next idea, we get advice from Topanga.

Topanga: If I give advice, I get an F.

Shawn: Oh, you can one stinking F in your life.

Topanga: No! I can’t! I’ve worked very hard to be perfect up till now!

Shawn: I am throwing up. I am throwing up all over you.

Radio announcer: Okay, are you ready to win some Superbowl tickets?

Shawn: Okay, if I was a pair of Superbowl tickets, how would I find me? (Topanga walks over to the radio)

Cory: It’s an interesting question, Shawn. Another interesting question, why would Feeny make such an impossible assignment?

Radio announcer: (Topanga is holding the radio close to Shawn & Cory ) We’ve got the last pair of Superbowl tickets available in the known universe! And we’re down to 10 more chances to win ‘em, so call. Me. Now! (A series of phone sounds play)

Cory: Topanga, will you turn down the radio? We’re trying to think, here. (Topanga mimics a football player) No jazzercise in the kitchen! (Topanga puts the radio down on the kitchen table)

Radio announcer: And we’re down to our five final callers, 555-WKZN, that’s 555-WKZN. (Topanga gets a can of soup and a bowl and knocks them on the table to get attention)

Cory: (To Shawn) I think she’s trying to tell us something. (Topanga nods)

Shawn: Well, you know her better than I do.

Cory: Okay, okay… (Topanga holds up the bowl) Bowl… (She holds up the soup) Can. There’s trouble in the Balkans? Is that was the radio said, girl? (Puts a cr*cker in her mouth, she immediately spit it into his face then holds the can right next to his head) Uh… soup. (She holds the bowl) Bowl. (She holds the can) Soup… (then the bowl) or… bowl… (Topanga looks desperately) Okay, soup. (Takes the can from her, stands)

Radio announcer: (Frustrated, Topanga hops on Cory’s back and forces his head right next to the radio) 555-WKZN. It’s 102.5 and were down to our last caller for a chance to go to the Superbowl!

Cory: (Leaps up, flinging Topanga backwards) Hey-hey! (To Shawn) They’re giving away tickets to the Superbowl!

Shawn: We almost missed it! (Accusatory) Thanks a lot, Topanga! (Grabs phone, dials) Hello? Yeah? I’m caller 20!

Cory: (Jumps in the air w/ Shawn) (Happily) AHH!

Shawn: YES! Oh… (listens to phone) What? What? I gotta do what?

[SCENE – Big billboard reading “Radio. Because you only have to use one of your senses. WKZN.” There are six people milling about on it, and many many more below.]

Radio announcer: If you’re wondering why everybody’s looking up at the sky, it’s because there are people on the billboard!

[Cut to broadcaster’s booth]

Radio announcer: Hey hey, this is Johnny Latte from the 102.5 WKZN morning zoo! (Plays sounds effect) And we’re coming to you live from our billboard in downtown Philadelphia, where it’s a crisp and clean no-caffeine sixteen degrees out here. Let’s check out our remaining four… (A guy in pulled by on a stretcher) Uh, remaining three freezing contestants. I’m here with a small but very loyal crowd of well-wishers…

Random guy: JUMP!

Johnny Latte: And the obligatory lunatic. We’ll be back with hour 32 of our Superbowl madness, right after this word from… The Bahamas… (Plays song)

Song: We are warm and you are cold…

[Cut to billboard above. Shawn is freezing.]

Song: We are warm and you are cold… We don’t need… (Shawn kicks the speaker, the song stops)

[Cory enters from the ladder carrying a thermos]

Cory: (Singing) We are warm and you are cold… We… (Talking) Hey. (Removes headphones) How are ya? I brought you some hot chocolate. (Hands him thermos)

Shawn: (Takes thermos swiftly) Ohh! Oh, thank you so much, Cory! (Unscrews lid, pours some) (Looks at the guys next to him, also freezing) Wait a minute… I can’t do this. This isn’t right. (Walks right up to the guy as though he’s going to offer it, then takes a big gulp) (Laughs meanly)

Man: That’s it. I don’t even like football, I like billboards. And you’ve ruined this for me. (Exits by ladder)

Cory: Well okay, one more guy down. Shawn, there’s only one more guy and we’re at the Superbowl.

Shawn: I can’t win this, Cory.

Cory: No, no! Of course you can win. You’ve made it down to one more guy. And I’m here to help you. What can I do for you?

Shawn: Cory, look at the other guy.

Cory: (Looks over. It is an Eskimo in a blue parka smiling happily while holding an ice cream cone) The other guy’s an Eskimo. And he’s eating an ice cream cone.

Shawn: (Closes thermos) He’s from the Inuit tribe. He comes to Philadelphia with his family every January for summer vacation.

Eskimo: (Singing happily) I am warm and you are cold, hey!

Shawn: You know, I really thought I had a chance to go to the Superbowl. But I guess I never really did, huh? There’s always gonna be an Eskimo standing in my way, isn’t there, Cory?

Cory: Come on, I’ll help you down.

Shawn: This whole thing was impossible. (Starts down ladder)

Cory: And Feeny knew that.

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. It is vacant, except for Feeny who is grading papers at his desk. Enter Cory, Shawn, and Topanga]

Cory: Alright, Mr. Feeny, we got this one figured out.

Feeny: You’ve got the Superbowl tickets?

Shawn: This was never about Superbowl tickets.

Feeny: It wasn’t?

Cory: You don’t think we know you, Mr. Feeny? You don’t think we know that when you’re teaching us something, we should look for the lesson behind the lesson? Well we looked, and we figured this one out all by ourselves.

Topanga: And I didn’t even help them, Mr. Feeny.

Shawn: Even though we think something’s impossible, we still should’ve tried. ‘Cause that’s all you’ve wanted. You wanted us to try. (Feeny looks unhappy)

Cory: And even though it’s not important to do work during our senior year, we should still make you think we’re trying.

Topanga: You see? You see how I haven’t given them any advice on what to say? (Points) I don’t fail, I don’t.

Cory: (The three of them interlock arms) Now aren’t you proud of us, Mr. Feeny? Huh?

Feeny: (Dead serious) Where are the Superbowl tickets?

Cory: (he, Topanga and Shawn look at each other then burst into laughter) “Where are the tickets?” Good one.

Shawn: You know we don’t have any tickets.

Topanga: Mr. Feeny, that…

Feeny: (Interrupting) No, Ms. Lawrence. All you had to do was stay out of it. (Turns to Cory) And you had to help them succeed. That was the assignment. Now, where are the tickets?

Shawn: (Looks to Cory, then back to Feeny) Mr. Feeny, I really tried.

Cory: We know that’s what you wanted.

Feeny: You have no idea what I want… (To Shawn) Get the tickets, or fail.

Topanga: Mr. Feeny, why…

Feeny: (Interrupting) Stay out of it, or fail.

Cory: Mr. Feeny, come on, how are we supposed…

Feeny: (Interrupting) Help them both, or fail. (Exits)

Shawn: (Accusatory) Thanks a lot, Topanga.

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. Jack is on the couch doing homework on his laptop. Eric enters from the bedrooms]

Eric: What’re you doing? They’ll be here any minute.

Jack: I have a psych test on Monday.

Eric: Now see, this is why you’ll never end up with any (snatches the laptop) woman worth having. (Closes laptop) We’ve finally met two girls that are different than any other girls we’ve dated before.

Jack: Why?

Eric: Because they’re coming back! You know why they’re coming back? Because they see in us what we see in them, compatibility, we’re perfect for each other. (Sits on couch arm) You’re putting your studies before your soul mate.

Jack: I’m studying so I can give my soul mate a nice life, some day.

Eric: Do like me, be a secret agent. I mean once you’re in the CIA they take care of you for life… or they k*ll you. (Doorbell buzzes) Soul mates…

Jack: Oh, please. What’re the chances that we just happen to find two girls who are anything like us?

Eric: Oh, what are the chances that we didn’t?! (Opens door)

Jill: Hi, Eric.

Carol: Hey, Jack.

Eric: Boy, do we have an evening planned for you.

Jack: Yeah, a wonderful little French restaurant with only four tables. Seven courses and we can linger for hours.

Eric: Hope you brought your fat pants, ladies. (Carol laughs)

Jill: I love French food, but I can’t stay to late because I have an exam on Monday.

Carol: Oh, hey! (Hits Jack’s stomach playfully) Give me a couple tacos and I am happy girl.

Jack: But, I… I got these reservations.

Carol: (Points to mouth) Taco!

Eric: I love tacos.

Jill: (Points to Jack) But he has reservations.

Jill & Jack: We can’t just not show up, man.

Carol & Eric: (Point to mouths) Taco!

Eric: (Quietly) Okay, you ready? Okay, great.

Jill: Yeah, let’s go. (They go into the hallway)

Eric: So, Jill, uh, tell me about yourself, do you have any brothers or sisters?

Jill: One sister. We were separated when my parents divorced, but I reconnected with her when I came to Pennbrooke. Pretty weird, huh?

Jack: (He & Eric look at each other) Unbelievable. So, Carol, what’re you studying?

Carol: You don’t need to study for what I’m gonna do. Once you’re in the CIA, they take care of you for life. (Elevator arrives)

Eric: Or they…

Carol: k*ll you.

(Jill & Carol enter the elevator. Eric pulls Jack aside)

Eric: I want Carol.

Jack: Jill’s perfect for me. Jack and Jill, why didn’t we see it before?

Eric: Eric and Carol… (They do a weird handshake-esque thingy, then enter the elevator)

[SCENE – Billboard. It now has a picture of the Eskimo and reads “I’m going to the Superbowl thanks to WKZN.” Shawn in sitting on the billboard. Cory & Topanga enter below]

Topanga: I told you he’d be here.

Cory: No you didn’t, you were waving a dollar and yawning at me.

Topanga: (Holds up dollar) Bill. (Puts hand to mouth) Bored. How much more simpler could it be?

Cory: (Starts climbing the ladder, Topanga follows) Well, you could’ve just said it.

Topanga: That would be butting in. So far, I’m the only one not getting an F. (Cory accidentally steps on her head) Foot on my head! Foot on my head!

Shawn: Hey, Lucy, Ricky, I’m up here trying to think.

Cory: (Gets to the top with Topanga in tow) What’re you thinking about? (Sits next to him)

Shawn: Whenever I’ve wanted anything in my life, there’s always been an Eskimo standing in my way.

Cory: (Turns to Topanga, who puts up one finger) One word… (She tugs her ear) Sounds like…

Topanga: Metaphor!

Cory: Oh!

Shawn: Remember when you went to summer camp and I couldn’t afford to? That was an Eskimo.

Cory: (Nods) Uh-huh.

Shawn: All the other kids grew up in real houses with real backyards, I grew up in a trailer park.

Cory: Eskimo.

Shawn: There’s just so many things standing in my way. (Long pause) (Stands) Well, I’m going to the Superbowl.

Cory: (Stands) Shawn, you don’t have any tickets.

Shawn: I don’t care.

Cory: You have no way of getting there. (Topanga stands)

Shawn: It doesn’t matter. Cory, people like me, we don’t go anywhere because we don’t believe that we can get there. I’m my own worst Eskimo.

Cory: Shawn, listen to me. I’m trying to help you, here. You don’t have to go anywhere.

Shawn: Yes, I do. I do have to go somewhere, because if I don’t, I’ll never go anywhere. Now be my best friend and get out of my way. (Cory steps aside, Shawn exits down the ladder)

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. Jack sits next to Jill on the couch while Eric sits next to Carol on the stools]

Carol: (To Eric) Oh, you’re sitting very close to me. And why are you sitting next to me, anyway? I think you’re confused.

Eric: (Takes Carol’s hand) You think I’m confused? You’re name is Carol, you wanna work in espionage, you love tacos, no have no idea color amber is. Now who’s confused?

Carol: (Pulls hand away) I am. (Eric leans in) And you’re sitting even closer to me, now.

[Cut over to Jack & Jill]

Jack: Your studies are important to you, you appreciate French cuisine, and you wanna read the Sunday Times book review section in an unfurnished apartment while you lie on the hardwood floor with your lover massaging your bare feet.

Jill: Yeah, so?

[Cut back to Eric & Carol. Eric is sitting across Carol]

Carol: Alright, now you’re sitting way too close. You’re hitting on me.

Eric: Am I?

Carol: Yes! (Shoves him away) What is going on here?

Eric: Listen to me, Carol. Don’t you see? We were meant for each other. I mean, the reason I want someone like you is because you’re someone like me. (Takes her hand)

Carol: (Hits the side of his head) Hey. I’m here to see Jack, I thought you two were friends.

Eric: Best friends. We support each other entirely.

[Cut back to Jack & Jill]

Jack: Eric’s a moron! I lay his clothes out in the morning! You and I belong together. We’re like peanut butter and jelly. We’re like jelly and jelly.

Carol: (Gets up) Jack. (Walks over to Jack as Jill goes to Eric) I am not comfortable here.

Jill: Eric, I’d like to leave.

Eric: I’m with Carol, how rude. (Walks to Jack & Carol)

Jack: (To Jill) At least let me walk you home. That way we can talk and you can see how right we are for each other.

Carol: What is going on here?

Eric: We were just switchin’ you around, what’s the big deal? (Jack & Eric receive simultaneous slaps)

Jack: Wait, wait, wait, we just wanted to establish serious meaningful relationships…

Eric: …with a couple of hotties who have the same interests we do. Don’t you want that too? (Points to Carol) I know you do. (Points to Jill) You, I don’t know what you…

Carol: Well, we just went out with you because you’re cute.

Jill: Besides, why would we want to be with someone exactly like ourselves? Nobody makes a sandwich out of jelly and jelly, that would be tedious and redundant.

Jack: (Mesmerized) We have the same vocabulary.

Eric: (To Jill, hopefully) We can look those words up together.

Carol: I don’t wanna look those words up with you. I want somebody who can tell me what they mean.

Jill: I spend all day with me. (To Eric) You seem like fun. And know I’ll never know. (Exits with Carol)

Eric: (Watches door, then turns to Jack) We learned an important lesson here today, Jack. Yeah, looks like finding soul mates isn’t gonna be as easy as we thought.

Jack: We can’t just find ‘em. Maybe the girls taught us we were too aggressive and we just have to sit back and let the universe bring our soul mates to us.

Eric: You’re a wise man, Jack Hunter.

[Cut to hallway. Jill & Carol are waiting]

Jill: I guess they’re actually not coming after us.

Carol: Those idiots. (They go into the elevator)

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom, empty except for Feeny. Cory & Topanga enter]

Cory: Mr. Feeny, I failed you. As we speak, our young Shawn is foolishly rolling westward to San Diego and certain disappointment.

Feeny: Did he get the tickets?

Cory: No. He said the tickets didn’t matter. He said that nothing mattered and he’d find a way in.

Feeny: That’s what he said, hm?

Cory: Yeah, I mean I was standing in front of him and he asked me to move out of the way so he could go.

Feeny: (Stands) And did you move out of the way, Mr. Matthews?

Cory: Well, yeah, I mean… I really felt like I should. I know the assignment was to help him succeed, but, Mr. Feeny, it was like he didn’t need my help on this one, y’know? He was gonna do this one on his own. No matter what. Guess I failed, huh?

Feeny: On the contrary, Mr. Matthews, you pass with flying colors and so does Mr. Hunter.

Cory: Of course we did. And clearly you’ve wasted all your time as I continue to comprehend nothing.

Feeny: Cory, Shawn isn’t going to go to college and succeed because you want him to. He has to want to. And believe that he can. And the only way he can do that is on his own, without your help.

Cory: Why did you want me to help him?

Feeny: You need to know you won’t always be able to.

Topanga: Yeah, like pretty soon we’re all gonna have to do things on our own without someone’s help. Right, Mr. Feeny? (Stands) I think I understand why you’ve been so upset. And I think I know why you’re gonna keep giving us assignments everyday till our last day with you.

Feeny: Ms. Lawrence, you’re butting in.

Topanga: Yeah, I am, so fail me. That’s life.

Feeny: You won’t be perfect anymore.

Topanga: Oh, no one should be perfect. Besides, you learn from failure. And I need to know that, right?

Feeny: You just yelled at me. But I’m Mr. Feeny.

Topanga: One day you’re going to have to let us go. One day you won’t be able to teach us anymore and you can’t be sure if we’re going to be alright.

Feeny: Life is a lot tougher than school, my dears.

Cory: But the right thing to do is just step aside and let us live it. I mean, we learned that because you taught it to us. (Feeny touches both their hands)

[TAG – Morgan, Alan, Cory, Feeny, Eric, Topanga, and Amy (plus extras) are all watching the Superbowl at Chubbie’s.]

Alan: Ooh, what a game!

Eric: Oh, this is the best Superbowl since Superbowl XX.

Alan: Yes!

Topanga: (To Amy) What makes them so happy?

Morgan: (Defeated) What else is on?

Amy: Well, Fox is counter-programming with “America’s Worst Family Atrocities”

Alan: Change that channel and you’re gonna be on the program. (Notices TV) Oh!

Eric: (Something happens on screen) Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! YES!! (High fives, chest bumps, then does a weird high five thingy with Alan)

Alan: Yes! Yes! (Sits, as does Eric)

Feeny: (Stands, points at TV) Look at that!

Alan: Look at what, George, the play is over.

Feeny: (Still pointing) I’m looking at the crowd. Look at the boy holding up the sign!

Alan: Which one?

Cory: The one that says, “Hey, Feeny. Nothing’s impossible.” (Feeny pats Cory’s back proudly)