06x10 - A Legal Matter

[bunniefuu]

Guys, there are actual stewardesses out there, and one of them talked to me.

I made this joke about how they just flew in and their arms must be tired.

Yeah, great.

Kelso, their neckerchiefs are undone.

You can see their necks.

Look, I don't have time for stewardess neck.

I gotta study.

They're really riding me down at the Police Academy, and I don't know why.

I know why. It's fun.

They even chose me last to work on the CPR dummy, so everybody's spit was all over it.

Even Johnson's spit, and he's got a monster cold sore.

I know why they're doing that. I bet you're the stooge.

What?

Every year, the Police Academy lets one guy in they know will fail out.

They use him to scare the other cadets.

I know 'cause my brother was a stooge.

All right, fine, it was me.

Oh, man, I'm the stooge.

Hey, come on.

Kelso, if that were true, you'd have had to have been a screw-up your whole life.

I mean, sure, you've fallen off the water tower every year since junior high.

You broke your arm wrestling a dog.

And heck, no one's eaten more change than you.

All right, I gotta say you guys are making a pretty good case that I'm the stooge!

Well, if you're not, there's a guy who's about to step on a rake that I really wanna meet.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

I can't believe I'm the stooge.

Michael, it's just the way some people are. Okay?

Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.

You're lucky enough to be all three.

Kelso, keep in mind you're being called a stooge by a stooge while a third stooge sits idly by.

Compliment accepted.

Now, listen, you nincompoops, these pies are for some very important clients.

Nothing should happen to these pies, got that?

Sure thing, boss.

Well, nice going, you knucklehead. Now we gotta wash them.

Wanna give me a hand?

Bravo, bravo.

So, we got a wise guy, huh?

Oh, yeah? Take this.

How's it going with those...

Pies?

Ugh. The Three Stooges have such bad hair.

You know, I wish I can go back in time for just 10 minutes and hand out combs and brushes.

Guys, can we focus here?

I gotta figure out if I'm the stooge or not.

Well, why don't you just, like, ask your captain or something?

He won't tell me. That's the whole point!

I gotta get a look at my file, which means I gotta break into the Police Academy.

Okay. You see how you took something that made sense and then made it weird?

That's part of the problem.

That's what I like about you, Kelso.

You can make a mess out of anything.

I'm in.

Yeah, well, not me.

Breaking into a place where they train people to sh**t you if you break into a place, it's...

Come on, Eric. We're a team.

Yeah, Michael's the looks, Steven's the brain and you, your house has food.

Hey, remember when we shoplifted those baseball cards?

We were 12 years old, and I didn't shoplift anything.

That's right. You went home and told your mommy.

You mama's boy.

Well, did you want that on your permanent record?

Yeah, I didn't think so, mister.

Oh, God, I am a mama's boy. I'm in.

Now, the secret to really good fudge is a tiny bit of Kahlua.

You must make a lot of fudge, 'cause the bottle's almost empty.

No. Well, it's a tiny bit of Kahlua for the fudge, a tiny bit for the chef.

That's how you make cooking fun.

Apparently, it also works for sewing and laundry and sitting around watching TV.

Okay, the INS called.

I have to go in for a final review before I can pick up my green card.

I bet they give you a test on US history.

See, America is strict about who we let in here, 'cause we have stuff that people wanna steal.

Unlike your lesser countries like Canada and France.

See, this is when a bobby pin comes in handy.

Why do you have a bobby pin?

I'm training my hair, okay? I want more wave, less fluff.

Guys, this is serious. Let's just find my file and get out of here.

Hey, what's in here?

Oh, it's the canine training room.

It's where they keep all the samples to teach the police dogs what to sniff for.

Oh, man, these samples are way better than our samples.

Did you see how quickly I sniffed them out?

I could so be a police dog.

Cool, training collar.

You know, I still don't get how they could think I'm the stooge.

I'm, like, so on top of everything.

What's this thing do?

Give me that, Kelso.

Gonna hurt yourself.

Hyde, that really hurts.

Okay, do it one more time.

Okay, so, this is George Washington, the father of our country.

Well, George and I have one thing in common.

We both look good in a powder white wig.

Okay, so Fez, the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French.

The French? I didn't know that.

You didn't know that?

I really don't think it's common knowledge.

Okay, I painted my nails through two semesters of American history and even I knew that.

Well, don't I feel like the hillbilly who wandered into town.

Well, it's no big deal, Mrs. Forman.

Oh, I see. It's no big deal for you smart people who know everything, but for us hillbillies, well, we're lucky if we know how to tie our shoes and flush the toilet.

Okay, Mrs. Forman, please don't get upset.

Okay, here, drink some more fudge.

Okay, so...

The constitution was ratified... Oh, I know this. 1776.

Oh, you're thinking of the Declaration of Independence.

See, the constitution was... I know what the constitution is.

Can you make fudge? What?

Then can it.

Okay, what if they ask me about current events? Tell me about Vietnam.

Okay, so Vietnam was an illegal w*r, which we lost.

What the hell are you teaching him?

You come with me.

I'll teach you the real American history.

First of all, we didn't lose the w*r. It was a tie.

Besides, they're grateful. They have McDonald's now.

Here's my file. It doesn't say stooge anywhere.

Good picture, but that's no shocker.

But this is.

Ah!

I think the batteries are starting to go.

That one didn't hurt as much.

You better let me hold onto this file.

I won't leave any fingerprints thanks to my cool new black gloves.

Man, if only these sh*t webs.

Aren't those your mom's Isotoners?

All right, guys, I gotta figure out if I'm in trouble or not.

What the hell is going on in here?

I'm gonna go with "you're in trouble".

Cadet Kelso, do you know what the penalty is for breaking into the Academy office?

No, sir, Officer Kennedy, sir.

There are none, because nobody's been stupid enough to do it!

All right, you're first in your class.

Is that a dog training collar around your neck?

You're probably gonna want this.

It's the red button.

Look, sir, I think you should know that at the last police charity auction, my family bought one of your Christmas tree ornaments, Santa driving a cop car.

Funniest thing on the tree it was.

Anyway, please don't call my mom and dad. Thanks.

What's your name? They call me Fez.

Officer Kennedy, sir, I broke in to find out if I was the stooge or not, sir.

You're not the stooge. Johnson's the stooge.

Yes.

But you're the stooge now.

Okay, I think that we've been reviewing long enough.

Let's see what you've learnt. I'll start you off with an easy one.

Where do you live? Amedica.

It's pronounced America.

That's what I said, Amedica.

America. Amedica.

Why do we celebrate the Fourth of July?

Because we are damn glad not to be a bunch of British, tea-drinking nancy pants.

Nobody's gonna argue with that answer.

America!

Amedica!

America! Amedica!

What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?

He led the Allies to victory in World w*r II and sent those jackbooted n*zi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.

I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "n*zi bastards", and that's good enough for me.

America! Amedica!

Look, there is no damn "D" in America.

Say my son's name. Eric.

Great.

Now, America.

Amedica.

Just forget it. Just say, United States.

United States of Amedica.

Guys, I'm really screwed down at the Police Academy.

Officer Kennedy told me he's looking for any reason to kick me out.

Okay, but did he say anything about calling my parents?

I was so freaked out that I completely blew this exam this morning.

I'm sure you did fine.

Roy, the first question was, "Stop, in the name of the blank."

And I wrote "Love".

I don't care what they say, Kelso.

Love is always the right answer.

So you screwed up a test, man.

You know what you have to do.

Yeah, yeah. Study more next time.

What are you? Forman?

You gotta break in there and change the answers.

I can't break in there again.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

That's why they'll never expect it, man.

Look, they don't know you've got a friend like me to talk you into doing something so fundamentally moronic.

That's true.

You know what? I'm in, too. I know it's dangerous, but I just really like wearing that outfit.

Trust me, it'll work. How do you think I got through chemistry?

Hey, you told me you blackmailed the teacher because you caught him smoking up behind the gym.

Oh, yeah. How do you think I got through biology?

Fez, relax. You're gonna pass the test.

No, this could be my last day in the country.

We should probably make love.

What?

Don't worry. It'll be over before you know it.

So, on the way back from the bathroom, I got proposed to three times.

I must look more gorgeous than usual.

Jackie, the only reason they wanna marry you is so they can stay in the country.

Jealous.

Okay, here I go.

I'm here for my test. Where do I sign in?

Or should I say, "Where do I put my John Hancock?"

Actually, I would sign my name.

Just the common expression.

I know so much history, I just drop it into everyday conversation.

There is no test.

I just need to see that you are who you say you are and that you're in the country to be with your wife, Laurie Forman.

No test? So, that's it?

I'm truly really a citizen of this great country?

Just as soon as I stamp this paper.

Oh, this is great. You and I should go celebrate.

Let's start off with a couple of drinks and some lovemaking and see where it goes from there.

I don't date married men.

Well, let's just say that as soon as I get my green card, I will be single.

Then you can explore the country of Fez.

Hold on, are you telling me your marriage is a sham?

I'm telling you your eyes are like amber waves of green.

You do realize I haven't stamped this yet?

Actually, I had not.

Oh, he looks happy. Yeah, I bet he's doing great.

Yeah.

Shouldn't you stamp my paper now? I don't think so.

In a minute? Nope.

After lunch? Uh-uh.

Would you like me to stamp it?

Red, do you think I'm smart?

Oh, is that what we're gonna do today? We're gonna fight?

Great news, I got my green card.

I am now, officially, a Yankee Doodle Dandy.

So, you passed the test, huh? Oh, there was no test.

No test? Oh, we're just as bad as Canada.

So, what happened?

Well, you know how sometimes I come on a little strong to the ladies?

You can be a little handsy.

It was touch and go for a while, but, eventually, I won the INS lady over with my charm.

More like you cried until she felt bad and stamped your papers.

Hey, tomato, potato, it's all the same thing.

Bottom line is, I have chadisma.

Charisma. Yes, chadisma.

Man, I love these gloves.

I wish there was some diamond protected by lasers I could steal.

Okay, I'm almost done.

I just gotta think of one more misdemeanor.

Oh, breaking into the Police Academy.

All right, come on. Let's go.

How do you keep finding us?

I'm wearing all black.

I sleep right next door.

What's the problem? Trouble with the wife?

Shut up.

That's it, you're out of here!

Wait, I can explain.

Okay, this whole thing started because I just...

I can't be the stooge, okay?

I'm gonna be a dad soon, and no kid is gonna look up to his dad if his dad is the stooge.

Well, unless the kid's a stooge, in which case I wouldn't love him anyway.

You're gonna be a father?

Who would breed with you?

One night stand, both a little drunk.

Look, I know I messed up, but can't you just maybe...

Give me one more chance.

All right. Since you're gonna be a father, I'm gonna let what happened here slide.

But just so you don't do this again, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

There is no stooge.

What?

That's just a rumor we started to get the cadets to work harder.

Also, there's no alligator in the lake.

Wait. Wait, wait. If there's no stooge, then how come our friend Roy told us he got kicked out of the Academy for being a stooge?

Roy Keen?

He didn't get kicked out for being a stooge.

He got kicked out for sh**ting the police horse.

Look, Cadet, all you have to do is work hard and you'll be fine.

Now you clean up this mess and get out of here.

Well, I think we all learned an important lesson here.

If you're in trouble and your back's up against the wall, just tell them you got a kid.

People are suckers for a baby.

That is a valuable lesson.

I think we should all reflect on that in the canine training room.

I call shock collar. I call button.

Okay, Miss Smarty Pants, how about...

Oh.

Where was the famous tea party?

Boston. Nope.

What? Got it wrong. Sorry.

It's the Boston Tea Party.

No, it says right here, it's the Boston Tea Party.

Oh.

I'm gonna have a Long Island tea party.