06x24 - Going Mobile

[bunniefuu]

Guys, I have to tell you about this dream I had.

No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams.

"Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly

"and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."

No. It was about Donna.

Okay, it was five years in the future.

Five years in the future? Hey, did you see Jackie?

How's she holding up? Do I need to get out now?

Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me.

And she was so miserable, she left me.

That's it?

I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?

Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back and she just doesn't realize it yet?

I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.

Eric, just relax, okay?

It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're getting married tomorrow.

Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling.

Okay, Donna was in a wet T-shirt contest...

No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.

So who's gonna be your best man?

Oh, you know what?

Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?

Whoa, you want us to choose?

Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what is.

All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me.

I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.

You don't get paid to be the best man.

You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid.

It's in the Bible.

Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringing Brooke.

Yeah, we're getting pretty serious.

Girls, man. You get them pregnant, they get all clingy.

Hey! On Earth, green means go!

Gosh, I didn't know they let brain-dead morons drive cars.

And I didn't know they let brain-dead morons into the police academy.

Oh, they do!

Brooke.

Hi, Michael. This is my mother.

Yeah, we met.

It didn't go very well.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Here she is.

Welcome, or as I like to say, Happy Trailers to you.

A trailer. Well, son, you finally made it.

Well, and just look at all the nature.

I mean, right in your front yard, you have a beautiful apple core.

Donna, don't take offense, but a trailer? I think you could do better.

Oh, that's funny. I was just thinking, so could my dad.

Hey, watch it, Donna. She's wrong, Pammy.

I can't do better than you. I've tried and failed on several occasions.

Oh, Bobby.

Oh, I think I hear a chicken. I'll be in the car.

I'll go with you.

We're in the honeymoon stage where she doesn't mind if I get handsy.

Well, I think this place is great.

You can... You can just... You can drive your car right up to it and then, then you have a walk-in closet.

And look at our teeny, tiny bathroom.

Eric, can I talk to you privately in the living room...

The dining...

The left front quadrant?

Son, living here is a real bad idea.

There's no privacy.

Where will you hide if Donna has a chore for you?

You'll have to dive under the trailer.

Honey, would you help me unload some groceries from the car?

See what I mean? I'm cornered, like an animal.

Coming, honey.

Your life is gonna be a living hell.

So, home, sweet home.

Yeah.

Hey, Donna... Hey.

Don't take this the wrong way, but...

Is this really what we want?

What? Of course it is. Why?

I don't know. I just... You know, it's such a big step.

And I just really want to make sure this is what we want, what you want.

Eric, the life I want is with you. I love you.

Yeah, I know, but... Wait a minute.

This isn't about this place. This is about me.

No. Are you having doubts about me?

Because if you are, tell me now. Don't wait, like, ten years from now when we're both too fat to get dates.

No, no, no, forget it. I'm happy. I'm happy, happy, happy, happy.

Okay, now you're saying "happy" way too much.

Because I'm very happy. If I were less happy, I'd say it less.

I think that's how language works, Donna.

Okay. I'm gonna go pump out the toilet.

So, Forman nixed our best man idea.

Apparently you wearing a giant trench coat and standing on my shoulders isn't classy.

Not classy? Did you tell him I'll be wearing a plastic flower that sprays water?

So, let's just do rock, paper, scissors, see who the best man is, all right?

No, no, no, no. I hate that game. I always lose.

'Cause you always pick rock.

That's because nothing beats rock.

Paper beats rock. Those are the rules.

Not buying it.

Fine. We'll play a new game.

How about cockroach, foot, nuclear b*mb?

Foot squashes cockroach.

Nuclear b*mb... Pow!

...blows up foot.

And cockroach survives nuclear b*mb.

Oh, that's great.

I'll be nuclear b*mb. Nothing beats nuclear b*mb.

I just told you, cockroach beats nuclear b*mb.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Laurie, it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in a wedding dress.

Make sure Eric doesn't come in.

What, you want Laurie to guard the door?

She's never kept a man out of anywhere in her entire life.

That is not true.

Jackie, watch the door.

So, Donna, rehearsal dinner tonight, wedding tomorrow, you excited?

Actually, I'm a little nervous.

Oh, that's just cold feet.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

Whenever anyone's nervous about marriage, everyone says it's just cold feet.

But half of all marriages end in divorce.

So half of those people getting married should have cold feet.

But by the time they realize their feet were right, it's too late.

Too late!

How do I know what to do?

There is no answer!

I can't breathe.

How you feel is totally normal.

A lot of the guys that I'm dating were nervous before their weddings, but now they're all happily married.

You do make a mother proud.

Ready? One, two, three.

Cockroach beats nuclear b*mb.

That is 38 wins in a row.

I think it's safe to say that I'm the best man.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I just noticed something.

Cockroach always wins.

One more time, for all the marbles.

Fine. One, two, three.

Foot, I forgot about foot.

So foot always wins.

One more time. Winner, best man, period.

One, two, three.

b*mb! Nuclear b*mb beats foot.

It's like everything in this game loses to something else!

Yes, it's exactly like that.

Wait, except...

Aha!

I was so blind.

Nuclear b*mb beats everything.

One more time, winner take all.

One, two, three.

I'm going home.

Boy, wish I had a dollar for every awkward lunch I've had with my mom and a strange guy that knocked me up.

Come on, guys, we have to get past this. The baby's coming in a month.

Oh, and Michael's willing to wait that long?

I'm surprised he doesn't just honk his horn and try to scare it out in a week.

Hey, if I wanted to scare a baby, I wouldn't honk.

I'd wear a mask and make ghost sounds.

You were still rude.

I think it's common courtesy to wait 30 seconds at a green light before honking.

Pass the rolls, please.

Pass the rolls, please.

I will, but I feel it's common courtesy to wait 30 seconds before passing the rolls.

Hey, I just remembered there's another room here.

So, Michael, I haven't told Brooke yet, but I'm here to take her home to Chicago to have the baby and live with me.

What? No, but I'm not in Chicago.

That's its major attraction.

Oh, yeah? Well, what about the lake?

Jackie, do you think Eric and I are making a mistake?

You are.

But Eric's just praying this whole thing goes through before you notice.

No, I'm serious.

Up until now, everything in our relationship has been really great.

Our first date, our first kiss. You know, even getting engaged.

But now, in the pit of my stomach, I feel really sick.

Look, come on, Donna, you and Eric are meant to be together.

You're like a fat girl and a cat. It just works, you know?

Oh, come on.

All right, look, I'm gonna go pick up my dress.

And I'm gonna try not to look prettier than you, but I can't promise!

Oh, God, I can't do this.

Okay, let's get a picture of the wedding party.

Oh, Mom, would you fix your top? This isn't Playboy.

She's fine. Don't fuss with her.

Kitty, correct me if I'm wrong, but at a wedding rehearsal, isn't it tradition for the bride and groom to, well, you know, show up?

Red, they will show up. Everything is just fine.

Eric better have a good reason for being late.

There's only two acceptable excuses for tardiness in a Pinciotti household.

One, traffic was terrible.

Two, I should have left earlier, but I was doing something.

Well, Donna's not here, either. Oh, maybe her new house ran out of gas.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, good! They're here.

I told you everything would be fine. Eric and Donna are here.

What? No, Eric's not with me.

He's not here?

Oh, maybe he's stuck in traffic.

What traffic?

90% of this town's population is in this room.

All right, look, you can't take Brooke to Chicago.

We're gonna raise our baby together here, okay?

We had it all figured out.

Oh, really?

So, where were you going to live?

Are you planning to get married?

And who's gonna stay home with the baby?

No...

We figured out other stuff.

Like she's gonna be the one that does the breast-feeding.

And then, if someone needs to go bowling, I'll do it.

Now, I appreciate your concern, but I'm gonna do what's best for my kid.

Well, then think, Michael.

You're going away to the police academy for the next six months.

You don't have the time to help Brooke raise a baby. I do.

And I have a house and a backyard and an extra bedroom.

And I love Brooke more than anything in the world.

How can that not be what's best for her?

So, how's the big argument going?

All right, Brooke...

Your mom and I thought that

maybe since I'm gonna be at police academy that you might wanna have the baby in Chicago.

You know, just so you have your mom there.

Just for now.

Oh, my God, Michael. Thank you so much.

I'll come visit and it'll be great.

What do you know?

You're a gentleman.

And your daughter's a lady.

Well, except for the bathroom sex that resulted in our child.

Kitty, Eric is over two hours late.

Let's go home.

He's not late, Mr. Forman.

He didn't show up because he doesn't want to marry me.

Hey, you don't know that.

Maybe he's just playing hard to get.

I'm gonna make him pay for this.

I'm not strong, but I know a lot of ways to destroy men emotionally.

I can vouch for that. Yeah.

Okay, okay. Let's just...

Let's turn those frowns upside down. I know!

We'll all go back to my house and enjoy the Mexican fiesta I prepared.

I probably won't serve the tiny wedding cakes, since nobody's getting married.

But there are three kinds of burritos.

Donna, in troubled times like this, I have a friend I like to turn to.

Gooseberry Gloss lipstick.

Nobody can feel sad with full, juicy, red lips.

Okay, no offense, but I don't think your lipstick is gonna help me, because I am not a superficial jerk!

Better.

How could Eric do this to me?

I mean, what kind of a horrible person skips out on someone they've known their whole life?

I mean, someone they're supposed to love?

Uh-huh. Um...

Donna, why is your suitcase in the backseat?

Oh, I was just... I don't know. I thought... Hey, I showed up, okay!

What the hell are we gonna do with all these bride and groom cookies?

Give me the groom.

Well? Did you find Eric?

No, and the Cruiser's gone.

I also noticed that he took his retainer.

So it's probably gonna be an overnighter.

I couldn't find him, either.

I followed a trail of candy wrappers and it just circled back around to me.

Donna, I know how difficult this is for you.

Now I've been with a lot of men in my life. Rich men, poor men.

Well, not poor. Upper middle class.

My point is, none of them ever loved me the way I know Eric loves you.

Well, thanks, Pamela, but if Eric loved me, he'd be here right now.

Oh, hey, Kitty.

Listen, I think I'm just gonna take Donna home and call it a night.

Oh, don't you dare.

We need to act like everything is normal.

Keep the party going. Keep Donna happy.

Didn't you have a speech to give?

Kitty, I don't think it's still appropriate...

Okay, Bob's got a speech. Everybody, listen to Bob's speech.

Speech! Speech!

I guess I could change a few things as I go along.

"To the lovely bride and the handsome... bride.

"I know the... one of you will make... yourself very happy.

"Your life will surely be enriched by all the time you spend with...

"alone.

"You are truly one soul becoming one joined...

"alone forever.

"So I don't look at this as the day I lose a daughter.

"I look at this as the day I gain...

"nobody."

Salute.

Hello.

Yeah, we kinda figured.

Uh-huh.

Well, do you wanna talk to her? She's sitting right here.

Okay.

Wrong number.

Hyde, what did he say?

He said he's really sorry. He's sorry?

He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What...

What does that mean?

It means he's not coming.

Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.

Man, I am glad to be here.

I have had a rough day.

Being around all this love and happiness oughta cheer me right up.

I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love.

Wait, hey, where's Eric?

I can't believe Forman took off, man. That's not like him at all.

Usually he ruins things by staying.

So, Steven, you know, since the church is booked already, you that think maybe we... No!

Oh, come on!

Look, Eric jilts Donna and all you guys can talk about is yourselves?

Well, there are bigger issues here, people.

Donna is single. Whoo-hoo!

Wait a minute. I get it now. Cockroach beats everything.

Let's play, and I warn you, I'm going to be cockroach.