OPEN
J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
All 3 are sat on the sofa, J.D. in the middle, Turk & Carla are left & right respectively.
J.D.'s Narration: Let me explain, Turk & Carla's marriage was in trouble because of some dumb stuff Turk had done. So last night I took Carla out to smooth things over.
*Flashback*
J.D. & Carla are lying on the floor of Elliot's apartment and they lean in to one-another to kiss.
J.D.'s Narration: Long story short, we smooched.
J.D.: Sorry, drunken accident.
*End Flashback*
J.D.'s Narration: It was barely more than a friend kiss, so we decided not to tell Turk... or so I thought.
*Flashback* - With subtitles "8 Seconds Earlier"
Carla: J.D. & I kissed.
*End Flashback*
J.D.'s Narration: Was it a comfortable silence? No. And I'm going to be the one who breaks it. Unfortunately I have one of Rowdy's hairs in my mouth... uh-oh!
J.D. is uncomfortably trying to swallow & produces a feint choking sound.
Both Turk & Carla spin their heads to stare at him. J.D. chooses to look at Turk & points towards Carla to hide his guilt.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess there's a lot of things that can knock you on your ass...
CUT TO - DR. COX'S APARTMENT DOOR (FACING TOWARDS THE HALL)
A young Latino man walks into sh*t carrying a basketball & heads towards the door across the hall.
J.D.'s Narration continues: Like, for instance, when your 17-year-old neighbour doesn't see you as a smoking hottie anymore...
Camera angle changes to reveal Jordan in the doorway wearing white silk lingerie & a thin nightgown. Seductive music is playing in the background.
Jordan: Oh, Pedro (he turns round) I can't seem to find my pencil. Do you have any idea where it might be?
Camera zooms in to show a pencil placed between Jordan's breasts.
The music suddenly stops, as if the needle has been scratched off a record player.
Pedro: Oh it's right there between your bosoms, ma'am.
Jordan: Ma'am??? You just ma'amed your way out of me ever buying you beer again!
Pedro raises his eyebrows, as if to say "so what" and closes the door of his apartment.
Jordan: Ma'am?
Dejected, she slowly closes the door to her apartment.
CUT TO - HALLWAY
Dr Kelso is walking out of the lift reading a file full of papers.
J.D.'s Narration continues: And of course, the one thing you can always count on to knock you on your ass...
Dr. Kelso: AARRGGHH!
He slips on the floor & flies backwards, sending the files into the air & lands with a thud.
J.D.'s Narration continues: Floor Wax.
The Janitor walks up carrying a "Caution - Slippery" sign and he notices that the position of the outlined body on the sign is similar to the position in which Dr. Kelso has landed.
Janitor: Uncanny. (He leans over Kelso's body and speaks) Dr. Kelso, while I got you here, I need to discuss a hospital matter of grave importance.
Dr. Kelso: What is it?
Janitor: I'm not happy with my uniform.
As the Janitor helps him up, Kelso speaks.
Dr. Kelso: Ahh new Janitor uniforms, top priority. Right up there with silk jammies for the patients and a cat door for the ICU.
Janitor: I made some sketches.
He hands a nearby sketch pad to Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: This one has a cape!
Janitor: That gives me the option of fighting crime.
Kelso looks up at the Janitor questioningly.
Janitor: After work, of course. (He flips the page) Now this one, got sort of a medieval thing going.
Dr. Kelso: Is he on a horse?
Janitor: It's his steed, sir.
Puzzled, Kelso looks up again.
Janitor: That's for clean-ups in outer space. (Flips page) This one's outer space, evening wear. (Flips Page) This one's just a kangaroo... sometimes I draw kangaroos.
Dr. Kelso: You know I could look at the demented crayon scratchings of a madman all day, but I got a hospital to run. (He looks right) Did you wax over there yet?
Janitor: (Down) No sir.
Kelso walks off towards the nurse's station & again slips back onto his ass with another scream.
The Janitor walks up & leans over Kelso's body again. From Kelso's point of view we see the Janitor upside down.
Janitor: I'll get a new uniform or I'll wax everything in your WORLD!
He places the sketch pad over Kelso's face / the camera.
CUT TO - HOSPITAL ENTERANCE
Jordan walks into sh*t towards the main desk while we hear Dr. Cox talking.
Dr. Cox: Oh hey there wait 'til you get a load of this, they're giving me a teaching award tonight so I'm gonna need you to go ahead and holster up 'the twins' (he motions to lifting Jordan's breasts) as you'll be playing the role of "arm-candy".
Barely moving her lips, Jordan speaks.
Jordan: Yeah, I'm not going. If I wanna hear someone go on & on about how great you are, I'll just listen to you during sex.
Dr. Cox: I'm hearing the hate but I'm not seeing the hate. You...
Cox looks over Jordan's face for a few seconds & then realizes what's happened.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God! Did you Botox you face into an expressionless mask?
Jordan: Pedro called me ma'am.
Dr. Cox: Ah damn it Jordan, come on. Now you know I'm generally OK with you putting any poison you want into your body, but this is the first time I've ever won anything!
Jordan: It's not that bad.
Dr. Cox: Reeeaaaly? Show me happy...
Jordan's face is motion-less.
Dr. Cox: Sad...
Again, Jordan's face doesn't move.
Dr. Cox: Silly...
Same result.
Dr. Cox: Amused, bemused, c-mused...
Still nothing.
Dr. Cox: Show me angry.
Jordan grabs hold of Cox's collar & proceeds to deliver a swift knee to his testicles.
Dr. Cox: AARRGGHH!!
Jordan watches Cox slump to the floor & then uses him as a stepping stone on her way out.
Dr. Cox: (From the floor & with a much higher pitched voice) Got angry down.
***OPENING CREDITS***
CUT TO - STAFF ROOM
Camera pans round to reveal Turk sat on the couch with J.D. & Carla stood behind.
J.D.'s Narration: When we got to work, not a whole lot had changed. The silence was k*lling me...
Turk: You kissed my wife.
J.D.'s Narration continues: I miss the silence.
Turk: Did you like it?
J.D.: Well that's kind of a trick question, Turk. I mean if I say yes, it's like I'm saying "damn dude, your wife is hot & I'd like to get me some of that". But if I say no then I'm all like "yo, I know she's your wife but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty".
Turk stands & turns to face them both.
Turk: What about you Carla, did you like it?
Carla: NO! His lips are chappy.
J.D.: I can't use lip-balm; I always end up eating it. When I was little I used to spread it on crackers.
Elliot: (Walking into sh*t) Ah, well if it isn't the happy couple. Oh and Turk's here too.
Turk stares at Elliot, unimpressed.
Elliot: Ooo-K are we not laughing about this yet?
Carla: Turk, look, I'm so sorry but you have to believe me. It was barely anything.
J.D.: It was barely even a kiss dude; it was like an accidental lip bump, like oops.
J.D. leans towards Carla to prove his point but Turk doesn't like this.
Turk: WHOOAAA! Don't even look at her. Sit on the floor.
J.D.: Sitting (he does so).
Carla: Fine, I'll show you with Elliot.
Elliot & Carla lean in towards each other to demonstrate but the camera cuts to J.D. on the floor between the two ladies looking upwards with a dropped jaw, in utter disbelief of what he is seeing.
CUT TO - CAFETERIA
Todd is sat, about to eat a hot-dog but he stops to sniff the air & suddenly realizes.
Todd: Something wonderful is happening.
CUT TO - ICU
Dr. Cox & Elliot are walking through and arguing.
Elliot: I don't understand why you're butting in on my patients, you know outside of your usual arrogance & God complex.
They approach the desk where a doctor is filling out a form.
Dr. Cox: I don't know what you're talking about. Kiss my ring.
Cox puts out his right arm to show the ring on his finger. The doctor bends over & promptly kisses Cox's ring and then leaves as Cox & Elliot head for a patient's room.
Dr. Cox: However, if you'd like to know about why I'm butting in, it's because your young patient Lindsay here, when she was 10 years old, I'm the one who diagnosed her with epilepsy and now that her medication is no longer controlling her seizures, I'd like to know what's going on. Besides, over the years, Lindsay and I have developed quite a rapport.
Elliot smiles in disbelief as the pair enter the room, where we see the teenage Lindsay and her parents.
Dr. Cox: Hey Lindsay, what's up girlfriend?
Lindsay looks at Cox & then looks away with sheer embarrassment.
Dr. Cox: See, rapport.
CUT TO - NURSE'S STATION
Dr. Kelso approaches with a large box in hand. He goes to places the box on the desk but sees it sh**t over & off the other side.
Dr. Kelso: That damned Janitor waxed the counter. Gimme that phone.
Kelso tries to pick the phone receiver up but finds it slippery and it pops out of his hand & straight to the waiting Janitor, who seems to clutch it with considerable ease.
Janitor: It doesn't have to be like this.
Dr. Kelso: (Nodding in acceptance) I know, here.
Kelso grabs the box and places it on the counter in front of the Janitor. Heavenly music plays and light emerges from the box as the Janitor opens it & the excitement grows on his face. He takes the clothes from the box & before he runs off, proclaims.
Janitor: It's beautiful.
Dr. Kelso: (Shouting after him) Now you don't have to put it on today, but...
CUT TO - STAFF ROOM
The Janitor runs in, with new uniform in hand & interrupts the J.D., Turk & Carla argument.
J.D.: (Still sat on the floor) Hey we're kind of in the middle of something here!
Janitor: This'll just take a second.
He begins unbuttoning his top & we hear various zip sounds as we see J.D., Turk & Carla tilt their heads from left to right & then their jaws drop. The camera switches back to show the Janitor in a new, bright blue jumpsuit.
Janitor: Nice, huh?
He puffs out his chest & confidently strides back out into the hall. However, something else came to the trio's attention.
J.D.: Who gets a tattoo of a mop? Can I get up, my butt is asleep.
Turk: NO!
Carla: Turk, you know how I was so upset because you started calling your ex-girlfriend? I just couldn't understand how a married person could slip up like that, now I do. I'm so sorry.
J.D.: (Looking up & behind him) Me too buddy.
Turk: (Smiling) Guys, as insane as this may sound I'm actually gonna be OK with this. Just do me a favor, no more apologies and no more explanations and for the love of God, honey, no more girl-on-girl kissing demonstrations.
CUT TO - CAFETERIA
Todd is now sat about to eat a doughnut but again he stops to sniff the air & realizes.
Todd: Something horrible has happened.
CUT TO - ICU
Dr. Cox is exiting a patient's room & bumps into Elliot coming from the other direction.
Elliot: Tell you why Lindsay's seizures are back, her blood work shows her Dilantin is at zero. She's not been taking her medicine.
Elliot hands the chart she has been carrying to Cox.
Dr. Cox: What!?! I'm gonna give that girl a serious talking to.
Elliot: (Stopping him in his tracks) With all due respect, Dr. Cox, maybe I should talk to her.
Dr. Cox: With no due respect whatsoever, why?
Elliot: Well she's a teenage girl, that's an awkward time. You know, your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically. Um, you like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home, you think something's gonna happen but it doesn't and that just makes it official that you're a lop-sided freak. Happy ending though; lefty caught up in college, ha, ha.
She points to confirm but Cox is uninterested.
Dr. Cox: Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on Ice... (whistles) gone!
Meanwhile Elliot circles her pen near her head in a motion that suggests that Cox is insane.
Dr. Cox: Listen to me carefully, I know all about what it's like to be a teenage girl, wah wah wah. Course, I never had to try to convince my mother that I sure would have liked a navel ring.
Elliot: Oh well we were all going to Jamaica and my friend Susan...
Cox interrupts another of Elliot's short stories with several whistle / droning noises as his hands imitate an item shrinking in size until it can be held between his finger & thumb, at which point he shakes it around to prove his point.
Dr. Cox: Brain space.
Cox barges past Elliot & off screen.
CUT TO - SURGERY WASH ROOM
Turk is stood inside scrubbing his hands & arms in preparation for an operation when J.D. & Carla walk in.
Carla: Turk, you've been so awesome but we still need you to know how innocent that kiss was.
Turk: Guys, it's cool, don't even worry about it.
J.D. & Carla both hold out one hand, motioning Turk to stay still & be quiet.
J.D.: Just watch buddy.
J.D. & Carla lean in towards each other & peck their lips together.
Carla: See?
Suddenly, seductive music begins playing and J.D. & Carla are going back for another kiss. This time they also wrap their arms around each other as J.D. picks Carla up, sweeps everything off a nearby table and places Carla on top. He then lifts one of her legs up over his shoulder while we see Turk's face, totally mortified.
*End Fantasy Sequence*
We now see Turk in the hallway, he snaps out of the daydream with a shout.
Turk: Argh! Get your hands off my woman! (To no-one in particular)
He walks off down the hall with his head bowed & bumps into Jordan, hurting her. She turns round & still has a motionless face.
Jordan: Owwww! I think you separated my shoulder, the pain is excruciating.
Turk: (Turning to walk away) What?
As Turk walks off he passes the Janitor who is mopping the floors and in doing so, approaches a nurse.
Nurse: Looking good Janitor.
Janitor: (As she walks off) Well thank you, petite-lady.
Next Todd walks up to pay him a compliment too.
Todd: Wow, that colour really brings out your package.
Janitor: (Confused) Thank you, supposedly-straight-surgeon. It's a good day.
Now Ted the Lawyer approaches.
Ted: Hey buddy, that's a great suit.
While playfully punching the Janitor in the stomach, both men laugh. The Janitor's laugh is more out of toleration though.
Janitor: Don't punch the new uni.
Ignoring this advice, Ted continues his punching.
Ted: Ha, ha, ha, little boy blue, blow your horn.
As Ted walks off, the Janitor reassesses the situation as J.D. approaches.
Janitor: He didn't stop. Stop! This hallway is closed; you have to find another way around.
J.D.: Whatever. You got something here though.
J.D. points towards the Janitors chest. When the Janitor looks down, J.D. runs his finger up into his face with a playful sound, schoolboy trick.
Janitor: What's that?
J.D.: (Shrugging his shoulders) Well I don't know, you just look so cute in your little blue outfit; I wanted to give you a tickle.
Again J.D. makes the playful sound, but this time he jokingly tweaks the Janitor's nipples & then walks off. The Janitor turns round, trying to make sense of what just happened.
Janitor: Alright, what the hell is going on?
With that, the Janitor heads into a nearby room.
CUT TO - PATIENT'S ROOM
Dr. Cox is talking to Elliot as they enter Lindsay's room & approach the end of her bed.
Dr. Cox: Feel free to take notes. Alright there Blossom, here's the hot gossip. You're having seizures again because you're not taking your medication. If this continues, you will be dead... and I'm not talking about the "oh my God, if I don't get invited to the prom I'm going to die" type of dead I'm talking, dead dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not I could of course text you on my Blackberry, or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry, although technically Chuck Berry is a black berry. The point is you gotta to stop wasting everybody's time and grow up, is that clear to you sweetheart?
Lindsay: (Softly) Yes doctor Cox.
Dr. Cox: Atta girl.
Cox leaves the room & beckons Elliot to follow him.
Dr. Cox: Barbie! Feel free to kiss my ring.
CUT TO - CAFETERIA
The camera pans from the self-service counter to a table where J.D. & Turk are happily eating.
J.D.'s Narration: It's nice when things get back to normal.
Carla enters the sh*t, & sits down next to J.D.
Carla: Hey guys.
J.D. & Turk: Hey.
J.D.: Carla, you gotta try these sweet potato fries, they're amazing!
Carla: Put some ketchup on it.
J.D.: You got it.
As J.D. dips the fry into his little bowl of ketchup, the familiar seductive music begins to play again. He then moves the fry towards Carla's mouth while she is intensely staring at J.D. We then see Turk looking on in horror and then see Carla with J.D.'s index & middle fingers in her mouth and as the camera pans round we see J.D. in an ecstatic state, with his eyes rolled back & licking his lips.
*End Fantasy Sequence*
Turk: (High-pitched) AAAHHHHHHH!!!
J.D. & Carla stare at Turk, not quite realizing what exactly his shriek is in aid of.
J.D.'s Narration: Like I said before, small things can knock you on your ass...
CUT TO - OUTSIDE
The Janitor is sat on a bench, still in his new suit.
J.D.'s Narration continues: Whether it's realizing that no-one's afraid of you anymore...
A small bird proceeds to land on the Janitor's head & chirp away.
Janitor: (Tuts) Good lord!
CUT TO - PATIENT'S ROOM
Lindsay is lying in her bed crying profusely.
J.D.'s Narration continues: Or finding out that you have no idea how to deal with a teenage girl...
Camera zooms out to reveal Elliot & Dr. Cox stood just outside the doorway.
Elliot: (Turning to Cox) Nice work.
CUT TO - CAFETERIA
J.D. is neatly arranging his food, Carla next to him & Turk infront, with his back to camera.
J.D.'s Narration continues: The important thing is to not make a scene in the cafeteria.
J.D.: Want another one?
J.D. moves another fry towards Carla but has his hand slapped down by Turk.
J.D.: AARRGGHH!
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? What! Were you gonna eat that? How about this, let's all have fries, huh, let's all have fries! You want fries!?!
Turk has exploded and thrown his plate of fries up in the air, grabbed spare ones off the table and proceeded to hurl them at anybody in sight.
Carla: Turk, you said you were OK!
J.D.: My fries!
Turk: Well apparently I'm not OK, am I Carla? Apparently I'm not! You know why? Because kisses just don't happen, they don't! Now this is somebody's fault and I wanna know who's? HUH!
Turk points a finger side to side, between the guilty pair, with a sinister look on his face. J.D. & Carla look at each other and then forwards again. J.D. begins to eat one of his own fries, but it is again batted away by Turk.
Turk: Don't eat that fry!
***COMMERCIALS***
OPEN
CAFETERIA - DAY
J.D. & Carla are sat next to each other, Turk is stood opposite. The cafeteria tables & chair have been flipped over & a straggling cafeteria worker runs to the exit.
Turk: I may have lost my cool here.
The camera changes to show J.D. & Carla quite startled, while a slice of tomato now adorns J.D.'s forehead.
Carla: No.
J.D.: No Turk, it's understandable.
Turk: I'm sorry. The only way I'm gonna have closure here is if I can blame one of you guys. (Deeper) I just gotta figure out who.
As Turk walks off, J.D. removes his lovely new headgear & Carla's head sinks into her hands.
J.D.: (Turning to Carla) Don't worry, this'll all be fine. You know Turk, I mean, whomever he blames will get the silent treatment for a couple of days, then he'll make snarky comments for a few months and then, sooner or later, he'll be laughing about the whole thing. It's just like the time I slept with his family's cleaning lady.
Carla: (Gasps) You slept with Tuni?
J.D.: I was staying in their guest-room & she was buffing the nightstand and she just kept on buffing. But hey, (taps her shoulder) thanks for taking the hit on this one.
Carla: Me? Na-a na-a, you're his best friend, all you have to do is say "I'm sorry", high-five him & go "DAAAAHHHHH!"
J.D.: Oh but all you have to do is have sex with him & he'll forgive you. If I have sex with him he'll probably end up madder.
Carla: You know what; let's not play into his blame game.
J.D.: Agreed.
The pair shakes hands in agreement, but quite obviously this won't be the end of things.
CUT TO - HALL
J.D. & Turk are walking down the hallway together. J.D. is drinking a can of soda & Turk is looking sad.
J.D.: Dude she was pouring drinks into me & she knows I put out when I'm drunk.
J.D. has finished his drink & tosses the can off screen.
CUT TO - NURSE'S STATION
Turk & Carla are stood by the desk as the can (now in the form of a large roll of toilet paper) flies onto the screen & is caught by Carla, Turk is now looking depressed.
Carla: He took me to a bar.
Turk eyes widen as he hands a file to Carla who, in turn, passes it off screen.
CUT TO - HALL
J.D. & Turk are walking down as J.D. is handed the file and then turns to Turk with a hand in the air, ready for a high-five. Turk, however, has a slightly angry look on his face.
J.D.: DAAAAHHHHH!
Realizing this isn't going to work, he slowly brings his arm back down & hands the file on again.
CUT TO - ICU
Turk is storming through, looking very angry, with Carla in tow as she picks up the file (now it is a silver toilet bowl / pan).
Carla: I didn't ask him to walk me home.
She places the bowl onto a desk & carries on.
CUT TO - HALL
J.D. walks past a desk & picks up another can.
J.D.: I'm telling you dude, she was all over me. Like ants on candy.
As he takes a sip from the can, the camera pans out to show it is actually Carla walking beside him.
Carla: You think you're talking to Turk, don't you?
Realizing he has been caught, J.D. peels off into a nearby room & as Carla carries on her way, she gets the last word.
Carla: Idiot.
CUT TO - PATIENT'S ROOM
We see Cox at the end of Lindsay's bed, trying to apologize. Lindsay, however, is reading a magazine.
Dr. Cox: Look Lindsay, I'm real sorry if I upset you before, I truly am. I probably should have asked you why you stopped taking your medication and to be honest with you I was, I was hoping you'd be able to give me the answer to that one right about now.
Lindsay is more interested in flicking from page to page in her magazine, much to Cox's annoyance. In an attempt to make contact, Cox raises the pitch of his voice, as if mimicking a teenage girl.
Dr. Cox: Sooooo Linz-o, ha h-it must be kind of cool having the same name as that Lindsay Lohan. Gosh, she's super-cool. Just between you, me and the I.V. I guess I've probably seen "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" oh, I don't know, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8-9 times ha h- what a film. Whew!
Again there is no response, Lindsay is only interested in is her magazine.
CUT TO - ICU
We see Dr. Cox exiting Lindsay's room, wiping his forehead as though his work has been strenuous. He walks up to Elliot who is by the desk, filling out a form.
Dr. Cox: That girl, that girl is a robot. I spent 3 hours in there and got goose-egg.
Elliot: (Mocking) That's so odd that she didn't respond to you, because you know sooooo much about teenage girls.
Dr. Cox: Alright, look, Barbie I'm about to say 4 words that I've never said to you before, that I'll never say again.
As Elliot looks on expectantly, Cox takes a deep breath and surveys the people around him. At which point he decides to get rid of them.
Dr. Cox: (Whistles sharply) Go on, get out of here!
Elliot looks round amazed as all nearby staff have disappeared, then Cox turns to her.
Dr. Cox: I need your help.
Elliot: (Smugly) Fine, but I have 3 rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule 1 or 2, I get to boing your curls.
Dr. Cox: What the hell does "boing" mean?
Elliot leans forward, grabs a strand of Cox's hair, pulls & releases it, adding her own sound effects.
Elliot: (Off screen) Boinnng!
Walking off, Elliot laughs at Cox as he realizes the grim truth.
Dr. Cox: Oh God this is gonna k*ll me.
CUT TO - HOSPITAL ENTERANCE
The Janitor steps into view wearing his bright blue overalls.
Janitor's Thoughts: Alright, just put on your mean face and order shall be restored.
The Janitor puts on his "mean face" and walks on through the waiting area. Accompanied by cheery, happy music, he is greeted by random people waving & smiling at him and muttering kind words, although we can't hear them. The camera then switches, looking up at the Janitor's face & moving, seemingly attached to his waist.
Janitor: (To random person, off screen) Yeah hi, nut!
We then see a couple of doctors at the Pharmacy and a patient, all giving him the thumbs-up.
Janitor: (Low camera angle again) What? I don't even know you.
Next the Janitor goes towards a hallway with a doctor & nurse smiling at him; he turns to see another nurse give him a great big smile. Then he turns again and sees Jordan and the music slows down to a stop, her face is still motionless. The Janitor shrugs his shoulders & moves on, as the music starts up again; he turns to see two more doctors smiling at him.
Janitor: (Low angle) Yeah, yeah, happy birthday.
He continues walking past more random, smiling people and approaches Dr. Kelso as the music fades out.
Janitor: (Normal camera angle) You gave me a cursed uniform!
Dr. Kelso: Ha, ha, ha, it's not cursed, its simple psychology. I chose Robin's-Egg blue because it has a calming effect on people & I knew it would be the thorn in your paw. Other colours evoke different reactions, for example bright orange has been found to provoke hostility.
Ted the Lawyer has entered the area from the hallway, inspecting his new tie, which happens to be bright orange. Noticing Kelso, he walks up to the pair.
Ted: Doctor Kelso, I wanna thank you again for the tie.
Suddenly, Ted is thumped in the arm by Todd who emerges from nowhere.
Todd: Fist Five!
Todd clicks his fingers & points at his victim; as standard after any kind of high-five style connection. He then carries on down the hall, leaving Ted in pain.
Ted: OWW! It's the third time today.
Feeling the "bright orange effect" the Janitor coils his right arm back and lunges towards Ted, socking him straight on. Although we don't see this, Ted lands on the floor with an almighty thud.
CUT TO - NURSE'S STATION
The camera pans up over Cox's right shoulder to show Jordan, still unable to move a muscle in her face, pleading with her husband.
Jordan : Aw, please don't make me go to this banquet tonight.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, this award came from my interns. So the least you can do is show up & support me.
Jordan proceeds to wave her arms around & make annoyed groaning noises before walking off. Cox does likewise, in the opposite direction. As they have walked out the way, we see Carla & J.D. behind the desk just standing around.
J.D.'s Narration: And just like that it was time for the moment of truth...
The camera quickly catches the back of Dr. Cox as he goes through a doorway and picks up Turk coming the other way as he walks past the Nurse's Station. Carla & J.D. approach the desk together.
J.D. & Carla: (In unison) Hey Turk!
Turk: 'Sup J.D.
J.D. begins to laugh as Carla bows her head.
Carla: The silent treatment.
J.D.'s Narration: Be gracious.
J.D.: I got 3 words for you; sucks to be, adding a fourth, you (points at her for extra validation).
As J.D. confidently struts away, Carla keels over onto the desk in defeat.
CUT TO - ICU
J.D. and another doctor are bizarrely gyrating about, without much rhythm in J.D.'s case.
J.D.'s Narration: After sharing a quick victory dance with Roland, the heavy-set orderly who, coincidentally, was my victory dance coach...
Roland: Pop the hips, pop the hips J.D.
J.D.: OK, there it is. Thanks Roland, one day I'll get it.
Roland: (Walking off) I doubt it.
J.D.'s Narration continues: I got to thinking about relationships, about how people fall in love...
Behind J.D. in one of the patient rooms, a young couple is sharing a passionate kiss. J.D. walks on down the corridor, as the film is speeded up, until he reaches another room's doorway where a proud father is holding his new-born baby while the mother looks on from her bed.
J.D.'s Narration continues: Have kids...
Again the film is speeded up as J.D. moves on down the hall to the next doorway, inside which an older couple is happily dancing away.
J.D.'s Narration continues: Grow old together...
As the film speeds up again, he moves into a curtained area where a nurse and an elderly lady are covering a body with the bed sheets.
J.D.'s Narration continues: And say goodbye...
As a nurse hands J.D. a chart to sign, he moves on to the next curtained area, where we see a juggling clown.
J.D.'s Narration continues: And then for some reason I thought about the circus... but then I was back on relationships...
The older, dancing couple have come out of their room & followed J.D. through the ICU; he spots them and decides to put an end to their shenanigans.
J.D.: Back to your room Mr. Johnson, you've got one ventricle!
Shaking his head, J.D. walks off towards the door & he pats the upper frame as he goes through.
J.D.'s Narration continues: And I couldn't help thinking that maybe it wasn't luck that made relationships last. Maybe it was just a matter of who takes fewer hits...
CUT TO - HALL
J.D. looks on as Carla calls down the hallway.
Carla: You don't have to talk to me, just wave if you're gonna give me a ride home.
Down the hallway, Turk is moping off and he puts his hand in the air & angrily waves it out to the side, without looking back.
J.D.'s Narration continues: And I realized I should have been the one to take that hit, not Carla.
As J.D. is about to say something, Carla turns & walks through another doorway, heading off screen, clearly disappointed.
CUT TO - PATIENT'S ROOM
Through the window we can see Elliot confidently walking in, while Dr. Cox drags behind.
Elliot: Hey Lindsay.
Lindsay puts down her magazine & removes the headphones from her ears, but looks straight at Dr. Cox.
Elliot: (Reassuringly) Oh, don't worry. He's not allowed to talk.
Lindsay: Is that true?
Dr. Cox looks towards Elliot for permission to speak.
Elliot: You may nod.
Cox nods, as instructed, but also adds a moaning noise. Not quite what Elliot had in mind; she puts her finger to her lips & makes noises, informing Cox not to make a sound.
Elliot: Ah, ah. Bup, bup.
Elliot then moves & perches herself on the end of Lindsay's bed.
Elliot: You know Lindsay when I was 15 I cut my own bangs. (Turning to Dr. Cox) Oh that's right Percival; it's a high-school hair story.
Dr. Cox is clearly agitated, given that he rubs the bridge of his nose, folds his arms & emits a small grunt. As she turns back to Lindsay, Elliot flicks the aforementioned hair with her finger.
Elliot: Anyway, Judy Keenan told me that she would also cut her hair off; it was like a su1c1de-pact, only with bangs. I cut off my hair and, of course, she backed out. But even though my bangs looked horrible, I kept them that way. Mostly because those stupid bangs were the only thing in my life that I felt I had control over, you know?
Lindsay: I'm so tired of everyone telling me what to do; when to be home, what to wear, when to take my medicine. I mean, I'm the one who's sick, right? I can handle my own life.
Elliot: How 'bout I tell your parents that from now on the prescriptions for your medicine will be given directly to you? You'll be in charge of getting your Dilantin, taking it, everything.
Lindsay: (Happily) Thank you.
Elliot: Great.
As she gets up off the bed, Elliot walks past Cox on her way out.
Elliot: (Quietly) I don't have a ring, but you can kiss my ass.
CUT TO - CAFETERIA
The Janitor is sat in his blue suit, talking to himself, reviewing his options.
Janitor: Feared in grey? Beautiful in blue? (Holding up his other suit) Feared in grey? Beautiful in blue?
Ted the Lawyer walks up in his bright orange tie.
Ted: I'm gonna grab a fry, some ketchup. (Takes a bite) Ah, it's cold.
As Ted drops the fry back onto the Janitor's plate & walks off, the Janitor makes a decision.
Janitor: That's it.
He gets up and begins unbuttoning his top as we see several lunch-goers looking on, we also hear those zip sounds in the background again. The camera then switches back to the Janitor, fully dressed again, complete with "mean face".
Janitor: I'm back!
As he walks off, the camera pans round to show Turk & Todd stood watching, Todd is drinking from a cup with a straw.
Turk: That was weird, ha, ha.
As Todd nods in confirmation, we see J.D. coming through the doors behind them. As the film slows down, J.D. walks up to Turk, spins him round by his shoulders & plants a kiss right on his lips. The camera shows Todd strangely raise his eyebrows at this sight.
Todd: No, that was weird.
Todd pushes his jaw forwards, showing slight discomfort at the situation. The camera then backs out to show all three.
Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: That was all it was! And if you still need someone to blame, why don't you try blaming yourself?
Utterly disgusted, Turk walks away and J.D. decides to follow him.
CUT TO - HALL
We see Turk & J.D. burst out from the cafeteria doors.
Turk: (Sarcastically) You're absolutely right. It's my fault you kissed my wife.
They approach Ted the Lawyer, still wearing that tie & so Turk does the honors and punches Ted in the arm. He follows this up with a karate-style yell & stance.
Turk: HI-YAH!
Ted: Aw man, I'm going home.
As Ted sulks away in the background, we follow Turk & J.D. round the corner & down the hallway towards the exit.
J.D.: Dude, who do you think you're talking to, you think you've been the World's greatest husband? Please, I was there when you were flirting with your ex-girlfriend & neglected to tell her you were married. I was there when you tried to hook up with that waitress, the day before you got engaged. And I was definitely there when you hooked up with that nasty ass stripper at "Boobies, Boobies, Boobies".
Turk: That wasn't me that was you!
J.D.: I know but I told her my name was Turk. Look the point is, think of the millions of times you chose to not to (4*) hang out with your wife, 'cause you were trying to hang out with me. You know, maybe it's time you started acting like a real husband, instead of acting like some sort of crazy... cowboy.
Turk: A cowboy?
J.D.: I don't know, it just came to me.
The pair has now walked out of the rear entrance to the hospital, followed, right on cue, by a cowboy.
J.D.: You know I'm right Turk.
He pats Turk on the chest & heads back inside the hospital, leaving his pal to ponder his next move as the camera zooms right out to reveal the rear hospital entrance.
J.D.'s Narration: When your pride's at stake, you can't help but have questions...
CUT TO - LIFT
Dr. Cox & Elliot are stood inside, Cox slightly disgruntled & Elliot much happier.
Dr. Cox: Just tell me, how did you know what was bothering her? Tell me now so that we don't have to talk anymore, ever.
Elliot: (Exhales sharply) How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's 16 or 60, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?
The lift door opens & Elliot quickly exits as Cox looks on in realization.
J.D.'s Narration continues: A lot of times, the answer is about sacrifice...
CUT TO - DR. COX'S APPARTMENT
Cox comes bursting through the door with a pizza box in hand & 2 DVD cases on top.
Dr. Cox: Hey!
Camera pans round to show Jordan sat on the couch in full evening-wear, still not being able to move her face.
Dr. Cox: Look here, I was thinking maybe, maybe you'd rather just stay in tonight. You know have some pizza watch, watch some movies, what do you say?
Jordan looks at Cox & there is a slight twitch on the right side of her mouth.
Dr. Cox: Are you trying to smile?
Jordan gently nods.
Dr. Cox: You're so damned cute.
CUT TO - PARK
The Janitor is sat on a bench in a park somewhere with his blue suit on and many birds on his head & shoulders while kids play behind him.
J.D.'s Narration continues: Sometimes sacrifice is only wearing your new uni when you're not at work...
Janitor: OK how about this one? Three blue-jays fly into a bar & they say, "we just want to wet out beaks". Ha, ha, ha... no? (Looking at the birds) Sorry Dan, you tell one.
CUT TO - J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT
J.D. & Turk are sat at the bar in the foreground; Carla & Elliot are sat at a table in the background. All 4 are eating a meal & drinking red wine, but no-one seems too happy.
J.D.'s Narration continues: Other times, it's about swallowing that damn pride...
Carla: J.D., would you hand me the wine please? Turk's not talking to me.
As J.D. goes to pick up the wine, Turk grabs it first & gets up, tapping J.D. on the shoulder. He then walks over & sits down next to Carla & fills her glass. The two seem to have settled their differences, as they passionately kiss the cameras pans across past Elliot to J.D.
J.D.'s Narration continues: But ultimately, big or small, sacrifice is about doing something you don't really wanna do.
J.D. smiles to himself & then tilts his head, in recognition of what he has to do.
J.D.: Hey guys, I know we talked about this before but, I'm moving out.
Turk & Carla look back at him, slightly shocked.
Carla: Really?
J.D.: Man, you guys need your space.
Turk: Wow, thanks man.
J.D.: (Smugly) You're gonna miss me though.
Elliot: Hey, you could turn his room into a gym.
J.D. looks on, worried by this idea.
Turk: We ain't putting no gym in my media room.
Carla: Who's media room?
Turk: Our media room.
Carla: Yeah
Turk & Carla: Yeah!
J.D. turns his head away as the scene ends & fades to black.
CLOSE