Mom, I love that you're proud of me,
but I'm not a doctor yet.
You can't keep giving my number out
To women in your church group
and saying I'll help them.
I can't. Oh, hey. Tell your mom
the cookies she made are ridic!
Yes, that's him.
It means "ridiculous."
No. There's no reason
to shorten that word.
Look, I-I gotta go. Bye.
Your mom doesn't like me
very much, does she?
No, she's crazy about you. Aw, see
you're lying! You're chewing on your
hair.
Babe, I can read you
like the back of a DVD case.
A'ight, you chew on
your hair when you lie,
You adjust your bra when
you're gonna yell at me
And you get a far-off look
in your eyes when you narrate in your head
-(Lucy) even though cole and I were clicking--
-There it's!
Stop noticing things I do!
Even though cole and I [
i]were clicking,[/i]
There was another couple
That was even more in sync than
we were. q*eer.
Hey, before you go study,
I need your help.
I have a patient who had
to pee on a ski lift,
So she pulled her pants down
and her butt froze to the seat,
And when she got off, she lost most of
the skin on her ass-- what's the
question?
Can I laugh at that? That depends.
Is she within earshot?
No. Well, it's funny.
(laughs) no butt skin.
(laughs)
I lied. She's right behind you. What?
Ouch.
Well, chapter is down.
Only more pages to go
before the test tomorrow.
I've never had to work
this hard in my life.
School's always been
easy for me. Not to brag,
But I was my high school and
college valedictorian. Me, too.
Me, too. I was on the cover of
"time" magazine as a year old
Because I invented a new kind of laser.
Trang, you are so smart.
Babe, you're smothering me.
You can be a big fish at home,
And then you get to med school
and everybody's brilliant.
Man, you brainiacs think
you have it tough?
My 'rents made me go to med school
Because everyone on my
dad's side is a doctor.
Okay, on my mom's side,
everyone is a bounty hunter.
I don't know why I couldn't
go to school for that.
Everyone in my entire family
Is counting on me to become a doctor.
And just in case I forget that fact,
My mom calls me every eight minutes
to check in. I feel the pressure, too.
Not so much from my parents...
Mostly because they think I'm dead.
(inhales deeply) all right, movin' on.
The nervous system. (chuckles)
(scanner beeps)
Bar codes?
What the hell is this, a supermarket?
That's a human being, for god's sake.
Listen, old prospector,
I know that any new machine scares you,
But here's the well-held secret.
You know that box that records
your favorite television shows?
There isn't a demon inside of it.
Then how does it know what I like?
I miss the good old days,
When doctors and patients
actually got to know each other.
You know, back when
sexually harassing a nurse
Was just considered polite chitchat.
Yes, the good old days.
Back when a man of my color
couldn't be a doctor,
But could live out his lifelong dream
Of one day driving a white
woman to her hair appointments.
See? Turkleton gets it.
Happy test day. You know,
I'll be there, so don't mess it up.
Crap, I'm already late. Wait. Breakfast.
Strawberry frosting? Nice.
Hey, you got fruit, dairy,
enough sugar for a month.
What else you need? Spoon.
Use your fingers, queen elizabeth.
Mmm! Delicious. I'll see you later.
I love you.
Um... What was that? (chuckles)
That just sort of slipped out.
I'm gonna just assume that
was the frosting talking,
'cause, you know,
That's something I
don't ever want hear.
So would you like to take
that back? Yes, please.
(door creaks)
Whew.
Hello again.
Yeah, you know what?
I don't want to take it back,
'cause it's the truth.
Since the second I met you,
You've made everything
in my life better.
So, ha, yeah.
I love ya.
Perry, I thought we agreed you
wouldn't page me during lunch,
And I wouldn't make you do cool
hip-hop handshakes. Fine.
Then I owe you a fist
bump and a "peace out,"
But in the meantime, I need a
surgical consult on a patient
With ulcerative colitis.
She is a lesbian.
Hey, babe. You ever thought
about being with another chick?
(scoffs) no, cole. Ew!
(whispers) oh!
I only tell you this
So that I can remain
relatively guilt-free
For when you do inevitably stick
one of your size caveman feet
Firmly into your own mouth.
I can handle a lesbian.
I'm a professional doctor.
Give me what you owe me.
Yeah, yeah... Mm, solid.
Yeah!
All right, then, books down, murderers.
It is time to show off
Your useless regurgitation skills.
Dr. Mahoney will be your proctor.
There you go.
Try not to tell the test
that you're in love with it.
Sorry, dog. Already called
shotgun on the lesbian.
You can't call shotgun on a person.
All right, then. Dibs.
Damn it!
Dibs works.
Todd, I'll let you run point on this,
but you gotta be cool.
Hi.
I'm Dr. Lesbian, I'll be your lesbian.
I got it from here, todd.
(inhales deeply)
I said I've got it from here,
todd. Okay.
All right, then, gutter scum!
I just found this cheat sheet.
Any of you who left this
room during the test stays.
The rest of you, get out!
Out!
Now I-I gotta tell you that
I feel pretty confident
That I can maintain a
certain level of calm
If the owner of this
would simply admit to it.
Anyone?
(cell phone ringtone) charles in
charge... Go ahead and get
that.
(beep) hi, mom.
No, the test isn't over,
so I don't know my grade yet.
I'm so sorry.
It--it's really hard to
get her off the phone.
I get that. My mom's the
same way. Let me see.
(cell phone whooshes and crashes)
That works.
(waz) I can't do this all on my own
Just outside this hall,
So either we have a matt damon-type custodian
With an extensive knowledge
of the central nervous system,
Or one of you cheated.
And since just last week,
I saw one of our fine
janitors eat a piece of chalk,
I'm guessing the latter. Here's the deal--
You're all going to
be locked in this room
Till one of you comes forward
and takes responsibility.
I hope you all think long and hard
about what you've done. Oh, no, no, no,
no.
Butch, this happened on your[
/i] watch.
You're not going anywhere.
Would it make any difference
If I told you I have a personal issue
That makes staying in here
really horrible for me?
It would make me quite
a bit happier. Ha!
Beth, this is dr. Turk. How you doing?
She must be your lady friend, huh?
(whispers) your lover. (laughs)
(normal voice) I don't even
know why I whispered that.
I just don't know what you
guys call each other nowadays.
What is it? Are you
uncomfortable around lesbians?
What?! Me? Nah. (giggles and snorts)
Uh, nicole, I'm gonna run
a series of tests on you,
But it would help me out a
lot if you could tell me
What type of stomach pain you were
having. It's not that bad, really.
The truth is, beth wanted
me to get checked out.
We're going on vacation
next week to ibiza
With a bunch of ur girlfriends,
And all we do is dance, drink...
And, uh...
Swim.
Are--are--are you okay, dr. Turk?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just thinking about
my family vacation to ohio.
Yeah, we, uh...
We visited two science centers
and it was--it was a lot of fun.
My daughter got scared, though,
So we had to spend most
of the time in the car.
It was pretty awesome.
(cole) ... ... !
Damn, trang!
You are impervious to pain!
Pay up, bitch! Dr.
Cox has to let us out eventually.
I mean, he can't keep us here forever.
Can he?
♪♪♪
Shea butter and big floppy sun hats.
Oh, and I made a deal with a witch.
How come witches never offer me a deal?
I'm approachable.
Drew, come on. Just admit you cheated.
It's okay. You didn't
have time to study.
You were out in a meadow
Pressing wildflowers and
writing love sonnets.
Yes, me telling you I love you
makes me a th-century dandy.
Hey, maya. You and trang
both left during the test.
Wherwere you? Guys,
we all left at some point.
She's right. We have to
stop turning on each other.
Especially since it's so obvious
that cole's the one who cheated.
I'm sure cole has some
great explanation.
Cole, what were you doing in the
bathroom? Doing my test prep.
Okay, part one--dropping a "d."
Part two-- using the mnemonic skills
I picked up at a.D.D. Camp.
Okay, I remember the circulatory
system by singing nickelback.
this is how I remind me
of blood cells and their jobs
lymphocytes and "t" cells
crushing cancer on every level
Wow. That makes a kind
of horrible sense.
How'd that go for you? Awkward or,
uh, really awkward?
Neither.
(telephone rings) super awkward.
Oh! (laughs) look,
nicole's colitis is pretty advanced
And surgery is too risky
Due to her diabetes and
thrombocytopenia. Well, just treat it
with steroids then.
She must be in a lot of pain.
I wonder why she didn't tell me.
Maybe she did, but you
didn't hear her because
You were fantasizing about being
stranded on lesbian island. Is that a
real place?
Because I can leave tonight.
What? We're just hard-staring you away.
Ohh.
(gasps)
There's only one way to
prove your innocence.
It's a human lie detector test.
I take your pulse and I ask
you some basic questions.
You can't tell if I'm lying.
I play online poker.
You ever kissed a dude? No.
Lie. It was a lacrosse initiation.
I didn't even want to do it.
My god, your pulse is racing.
Hey, forget this, man! What about you?
I hope it was drew.
And I hope he gets his butt thrown
out of here. What did he do to you?
(whispers) did he smack you around?
Worse. He told me he loved me.
Who does that?
Don't you see? He's trying
to get me to trust him
So then he can just let me down. Crazy
idea--you could just say "I love you"
back.
Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out,
I'll have to k*ll him,
go to jail, escape,
Come back and k*ll you for giving me
that dvice. I love how our friendship is
based predominately on threats.
But as much as they do terrify me,
I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
You and drew are awesome together!
Quit being such a chicken
and just go for it.
Dude, you never told us why you were in
the bathroom. In the bathroom taking a
leak.
Didn't you stop using public toilets
After you lived in a gas station
bathroom for a month?
That's right.
It was your fun fact at orientation.
Maya's fact was she's colorblind,
And trang absorbed his
twin sister in the womb.
That's why he's so smart. My boy's got
two brains. (drew) that's not how it
works, genius.
Why are you lying,
drew? What are you covering up?
I was on the phone, alright?
You made a phone call in the middle
of a test? To who? It doesn't matter!
Um...
I can still feel you staring at me
Like a cheetah stares at a gazelle.
I'm thinking.
Fine. (sighs)
What the hell. I'll tell
the jackass I love him.
It was a personal call,
and it's nobody's business.
It is our business 'cause
you weren't on the phone,
You were cheating.
I wasn't cheating! I can prove it.
I was on the phone
with my divorce lawyer.
You're married? A little.
You always put yourself
at risk
When you decide to trust someone
else.
Listen, I can explain.
(sig)
The good news is that we
can manage your colitis
With steroids. There are
some side effects, however,
Including fatigue,
insomnia and weight gain.
Isn't there an operation I can have?
Yes, there is.
But with your preexisting condition,
Surgery could prove fatal. Whether
you're trusting a patient
To respond a certain way...
I don't care. I want the surgery.
Or counting on your peers to let
an awkward moment go by...
Hey, how come you never
introduced us to your wife?
Oh, I get it. Her face is busted,
right?
I'm sick of this crap!
Now we all know I didn't cheat,
So it's gotta be one of you!
Maya? Trang? Lucy?
It wasn't me!
But the hardest thing is when peop
le put their trust in you
And you're the one who's been lying all
along.
How'd that hair taste?
Like regret...
And coconut, because
of my new conditioner,
But mostly like regret. (sighs)
I never should've cheated.
What am I gonna do?
Hi, boys and girls.
(door closes) anybody
admit to anything yet?
Here's what I'm gonna do.
If someone doesn't tell me who did it,
I'm gonna make you all retake the test.
It's gonna be a new test.
It's gonna be ten times as hard.
It's not just gonna be on medicine.
It's going to be on everything--
Baseball statistics,
north dakota high schools,
The geography of a made-up fantasy world
I like to call coxatopia.
That's a magic land
Where the rivers run of
scotch and hordes of pigs
Feed on the bones of
cheating med students.
Where is mahoney? And drew?
Okay, yes, I have a wife.
Let's start there.
It was a drunken mistake.
I've been trying to get
out of it ever since.
What else haven't you told me?
I mean, do you have any kids?
Have you robbed a bank?
Were you in a cult? (laughs) no, no,
and... I wouldn't call it a cult.
It was more like a marketing opportunity
That ended with us all living on
a compound. Aw, what the hell?
Both of you get your asses
back in that room! No.
I'm gonna go ahead and give you a pass
Because you have m*rder eyes,
but you... (whistles) go!
Bye-bye.
I just think choosing
surgery could k*ll you.
Talk to your lady sidekick.
What's the word I'm looking for?
I don't want beth knowing
anything about this.
I want the surgery,
And there's nothing you can
say that'll change my mind.
Please tell me you've got
some good news for me
On this godforsaken day.
She's still refusing steroids.
I don't get it. What are we missing?
As usual, you are missing the point.
She walked in off the street,
and you didn't take the time
To find out anything about her.
She could be anybody-
a princess or a t*rror1st
Or a hot lesbian.
Bob, she is a hot lesbian.
I knew one day that example would
make sense. And we did talk to her.
About her condition,
But not about what makes her tick.
(chuckles) you see, in the old days,
When we knew everything about a patient,
Their decisions never surprised you.
You find out more about that young lady,
I bet you'll find the answer.
(superhero fanfare plays)
(lowers voice) if only there was
a way to learn more about her.
(normal voice) to the internet!
I'm not like your girlfriend dorian.
I don't roll like that.
All right. I'm just trying
to make it through the day.
As you please.
(denise) this is denise.
Leave a message after the stupid
beep.
(beep)
Denise, it's drew.
Look, if you're not into
me anymore, that's fine,
Because there are a lot of women who
get hot for married guys.
Ha ha ha.
Too soon, probably.
Look, um, I'm a jerk
And I'm a mess,
And... Please call me back.
(beep)
I can't take this anymore.
I have to turn myself in.
Oh, babe, babe.
You don't have to do that.
I do. It's not right. Hey, guys.
I'm really sorry I didn't
say this hours ago,
But the truth is-- that I cheated.
All right, I told lucy earlier,
and she's been protecting me.
Boom. Twist.
Wow, the cheating cheater who
everybody thought cheated
Is the one who cheated.
You're right. Sweet twist.
Dr. Cox, check this out.
My god. Is that nicole?
Yes.
Is this why you don't
want to take steroids?
'cause you're worried about how much
weight you're gonna gain? That was eight
years ago.
Beth has never known me like this, and
I don't want her to. We're talking
about your health here.
Beth is going to understand.
Before you make any decisions,
do yourself a favor
And talk it over with your partner.
Partner. (snaps fingers)
thank you! "partner."
That's the word I was looking for.
Partner! You guys are lesbian
partners... Together.
I'm-a just, uh, back out,
but think about it.
(lowers voice) cole, what are you doing?
(lowers voice) baby,
I'm untouchable at this school.
I'll take the fall for you. (sighs)
And because this is so noble,
I'm gonna walk out in dramatic slo-mo.
(fanfare playing)
(lucy) you can't let him do this.
Just tell them.
I am the one who cheated!
No, out loud. Tell them out
loud.
It was me.
I was the one who cheated.
Are you sure?
Because we're all signed off
on cole taking the blame.
Yes, I did it. I hate myself for it.
I'm so sorry.
It's just that I am drowning here.
Ever since I got to med school,
everything's been a struggle.
I wanted a win,
Something I could tell my mom about
Without being full of crap.
I'm really sorry, truly,
For putting you all through this, and...
I'll go tell dr. Cox I cheated.
Come on, what would carla
say if she found out
That you'd already been married once
before? Yo, whoa! Whoa! Don't even joke
like that.
If that gets back to carla,
I'm a dead man.
(laughs) talking about me
being married before carla.
Dr. Turk, you were married before?
We're talking here.
That's one of carla's girlfriends.
I can't have that. This is just as bad
As if I were to call carla bitchy.
You think carla's bitchy?
No! I didn't say-- sheila!
Just take your butt to where
it needs to be and stay there!
I just feel like I've finally
found someone I can trust,
And then he goes and does this.
I mean, what am I supposed to do now?
Look at those two right there.
I hear ya. Everyone thinks
I'm a little butch anyway.
I mean, I might as well dive in.
(laughs) no. Denise, no, uh,
Nicole is one of my patients,
and she was willing
To risk death to keep her
past from her partner.
I just learned that word, by the
way--"partner." I'm proud of you.
Sometimes when you
reacare about someone,
I just learned that word, by the
way--"partner." you want them to know
you I'm pjust as you are right now--
The best version of yourself.
You ally gonna blame drew for that?
Hey, guys, have you seen dr. Cox?
He went back to the lecture hall
Mumbling something about
feeding med students to pigs.
Great.
Deep breath.
I can do this.
Please tell me
Exactly what part of
"don't leave this room"
Is lost on you.
Look, dr. Cox-- go sit down.
Now since you all claim
That you have no idea
who the cheater is,
The re-exam will be tomorrow
morning at : A.M...
Outside...
Rain or shine.
Although, if I were you,
I'd plan for rain,
'cause I'm gonna bring a hose.
(makes spraying sounds)
(door opens)
What the fraggle rock just happened?
You guys didn't turn me in?
The truth is, I'm drowning here, too,
And the only reason I'm
surviving is because of you.
I mean, this place is
straight up chuck norris--
Tough as balls.
We're all having trouble.
Even you, drew?
Nah, but, uh, I've had, like,
second chances in my life.
You deserve at least one, right?
Just... Don't do it again.
They say the truth will set you
free,
But sometimes you need a litt
le push.
She's gonna go with the steroids.
Should we tell kelso he was right?
I'll just send him an e-mail.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know
How to turn his computer on. Mm.
Telling the truth's just the beginning.
Owning it's the hard part.
Hey, mom. School's great.
(alexi murdoch) what's been in my mind
Actually, uh...
It's a lot harder than I thought, and...
I'm having a really tough time.
Because the one thing you can never run
from
Is how you really feel.
Hey-- don't talk.
I have something to say,
And if i ? say it ,i don't want you to say
anything back and i don't want you to look
at me
And I don't want it acowledged at all.
find
I love you.
what's been in my mind
Now don't talk to me for a couple days.
as the days keep turning into night
Carla, calm down.
Okay, I don't care what sheila said.
I was never married and I
didn't call you bitchy.
I know she's a good friend of yours,
But that woman is crazy, baby.
She's crazy!
No, I... What are you...
What the...
I'm-a...
Don't you hang up on me!
Don't--
(slams phone receiver)
Damn, my wife is annoying!
What do you say--
bucks a head,
you keep your mouth shut?
All right, follow me to the A.T.M.
Come on.