12x01 - Chlamydia

[bunniefuu]

This is a big night for me.

I finally did something on my own and it paid off.

That's why things got f*cked up in the past, 'cause of f*cking Julian and Bubbles.

I finally got myself learnt.

If you want something done right, you get it done by your own.

- Well, we helped a bit too, Ricky.

- Yeah man, we totally had your back, dude.

Will you shut the f*ck up?

Can't you see I'm talking here?

Anyway, I got this incredible backdoor deal with one of the dispensaries in Halifax.

Cash money.

I'm done, I finally f*cking did it.

Julian and Bubbles are probably going to be a little pissed off at first but...

I'm just gonna throw a massive party and that'll fix it.

Parties fix everything.

[rock music]

[Ricky]

Okay, boys.

Just up here past this treeline.

When we get there, no talking, no f*cking around.

We get the plants cut down as fast as we f*cking can and get out of here before that cock-sucking sun comes up, okay?

- [Cory]

Hells, yeah.

- [Jacob]

Don't worry.

We got this, Ricky.

Thanks for bringing us to the harvest, eh?

- [thud]

- What the f*ck was that?

- Is that the f*cking cops?

- [Jacob]

Cops?

[click, g*nsh*t]

- [man]

Surprise!

- [Ricky]

f*ck!

Jesus Christ!

f*ck!

It's just a shotgun, boys.

Get the f*ck up, you pussies!

- Come on!

- [Cory groaning]

- Oh, dude...

- [engine revving]

[Ricky]

What the f...

Get back here!

f*ck you!

What the f*ck you doing?

Oh, my f*ck!

No!

No!

Oh, my f*cking God!

Guess I shouldn't be f*cking surprised.

Hermit crab whore b*tches!

Why does God and the rest of the world keep fisting me up the f*cking ass?

- [g*nshots]

- f*ck!

f*ck!

[theme music]

Oh, hey, fellas.

What's going on?

Check out the new set-up.

Check this out, I sold my pizza sauce recipe to that f*cked guy with the weird accent.

Reinvested every penny into making beer.

Look at this.

[giggles]

Started off slow, but I'm making some...

f*cking decent money at it now.

Look at that.

Green Bastard IPA.

Selling a ton of that to people in the park.

Business is booming.

It's booming, but I am under some f*cking pressure today.

Ricky's making some kind of major announcement.

He's throwing a big party.

I've got to get this whole batch bottled up because he ordered two-fours.

So it must be big f*cking news.

I am pumped!

Hey, Bubs.

[Bubbles]

Hey, Julian.

How's the beer business treating you, buddy?

Oh, it's f*cking amazing.

It's f*cking amazing.

Lot less work than hauling shopping carts and all.

Here, bend over.

I'll take your temperature.

[laughter]

It's good that people are digging it, man.

- Yes, sir.

- You know what, I've been thinking.

Why don't you make a beer with my f*cking name on it, and face?

Yeah, I might be able to.

Might be able to.

Maybe make a protein beer.

- Call it Muscle Man.

- [sarcastic laugh]

- That's real funny.

- Get it?

So, what are your sales like, man?

Are you making a profit or what?

- My sales?

- Yeah.

My sales are f*cking great, actually, Julian.

I see where this is going.

- Where?

- I see where this is...

Well, Bubbles is making money now.

- Bubbles is making money...

- [Julian sighs]

So Julian's all of a sudden very interested in the beer business.

- Bubs, don't be an assh*le.

- Let me guess.

- What?

- You wanna be part of it now, too.

I just wanna make sure you're doing the right thing here and nobody's ripping you off, okay?

Do you know the valuation of your company?

Huh?

[sighs]

Do you know your profit margins on your sales each week?

Look, don't try to Michael Wekerle me, bud.

Okay?

I watch Dragon's Den too.

I know all these f*cking terms you're using.

[sighs]

Bubs, I'm f*cked.

I'm broke, man.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I-I'm trying to go legit here, man, but I'm finding it very, very hard.

I had movie night last night with a chick.

She had to buy the f*cking popcorn.

Do you know how embarrassing that is?

Well, I told you.

You shouldn't be going to the movies.

It's a f*cking rip-off.

Bubs, I was watching a movie in my trailer.

I couldn't afford f*cking microwave popcorn.

- Like, this is bad, man.

- Oh, my God.

- I don't know...

- Julian, that's...

Here.

Just take that.

That's pathetic.

- I don't want your charity.

- Well, you need my charity, obviously.

Can't afford f*cking popcorn.

You got another one of these?

- No, I got that one!

- [Ricky]

Bubs!

- And you should appreciate it.

- You got a Band-Aid, man?

I can't get this donkey slut whore of a cut to stop bleeding!

- It's driving me f*cking nuts.

- Ricky!

What in the f*ck did you do to your arm?

Uh...

well...

That f*cking girlfriend of yours.

Finally tried to do you in, did she?

[scoffs]

I've been dating this girl Susan for four or five months,

- it's been f*cking great.

- [treadmill squeaking]

I actually forgot how much I missed having someone to share everything with.

She is a bit hard to deal with at times, but...

the f*cking sex is the best I've ever had in my life.

Like, insane!

Like, it's so nuts that I've got to get back in shape.

I didn't realize how out of f*cking shape I was till I started banging her.

This f*cking thing is not f*cking helping me!

Come on...

[treadmill whirring erratically]

[grunt]

[powering down]

Part of me is really happy for Ricky.

I think it's good, and I think he needs a girlfriend in his life.

But, to be honest, she scares me a little bit.

And by a little bit, I mean massively.

And I don't like the way she controls his mind without him even realizing it.

MKUltra styles.

Jesus f*ck, Ricky, look at this thing!

That is a nasty cut!

- How in the f*ck did you do this?

- [exhales]

Well, me and Cory and Jacob were roller...

blade skating, actually.

It was a f*cking good time.

And we're flying along, and all a sudden, boom!

Hit this patch of ground, and we go down.

We went down f*cking hard.

Jacob got the worst of it.

It was...

f*ck.

They shouldn't be allowed to make gravel!

It's just not good for roller blade skating, let me tell you.

Yeah, "roller blade skating"?

That's what you were doing?

How and where would you guys even get f*cking roller blades, first of all?

Obviously, you stole them.

Ah!

No.

No, we didn't steal them.

We got them at the, uh...

What's that new store?

The I Rent Everything the guy opened up, or... f*cking great idea buddy had.

Holy sh*t.

- The I Rent Everything store?

- [Trinity]

Dad?

Why the f*ck are there ball bearings in Jacob's chest?

- What happened last night?

- [Bubbles]

What?

[Ricky]

Those aren't ball berries, they're f*cking pieces of gravel from the roller blade skating accident we had.

[Trinity]

Nice f*cking try.

Tell me the truth!

[Bubbles]

Those are from a f*cking shotgun shell.

Those are from a shotgun shell.

You got f*cking sh*t again, Ricky!

[Trinity]

Don't f*cking lie to me.

Okay, you know what?

Trin?

Boys?

I'm f*cking sorry, I've been keeping a secret from you guys the whole f*cking summer.

I wasn't upgrading my Small Engine Repair Certificanation and I wasn't taking that f*cking crane operator's course I told you about.

I was secretly growing dope by myself in the woods down by Billy Bastard's Bluff.

Dad...

Unbelievable, Ricky.

You f*cking promised me!

I know!

I'm sorry!

- But, I mean...

- [chuckle]

It was f*cking amazing.

I developed this new sativa strain with the head grower from that medical marijuana place in Moncton.

f*cking incredible!

- Yeah...

- Had irrigation, plants.

It was f*cking beautiful!

Some of them were eight feet high!

- It was amazing!

- Don't give a f*ck, Ricky.

I had a one sh*t, back door cash deal.

Was gonna happen today.

I would have been f*cking done for life.

Don't give a f*ck.

I don't give a f*ck.

Last night it all went to sh*t.

And yes, I did take Jacob and Cory with me.

That's on me.

But it wasn't supposed to go down like that.

When we got there to f*cking cut down the plants, there were these other guys and they f*cking stole all my weed and they sh*t us.

You are unbelievable!

How could you take my husband, your son-in-law, on a job like that?

Well, he did want to go.

He didn't have to.

He...

Oh yeah, it's his fault.

He wanted to go.

What if he wanted to f*cking shove a rutabaga up your arse, Ricky?

- Would you let him?

- I don't even know what that is.

Why would you do this, man?

And without us?

- You guys could have been f*cking k*lled.

- You know what, boys?

I was this f*cking close to being retired.

This f*cking close!

I'm gonna find out who stole the weed and f*cking k*ll them!

No, you're not!

It's over.

The weed is gone.

Leave it.

I should have f*cking known.

I should have known that the big announcement was gonna have something to do with illegal bullshit, Ricky.

Every f*cking time.

No, that's...

that's not what the big...

huge...

announcement's gonna be at all.

It's something totally different.

Bigger than a f*cking tiny little drug deal.

Okay.

Okay.

So there's still a big announcement, is there?

And you still need all that beer?

Yes, I do.

Big f*cking announcement coming down the pipe.

Huge.

It's...

You're gonna...

Big announcement still coming, everybody!

Big announcement!

- It better be a f*cking doozy, Ricky.

- It's gonna be a f*cking major doozy.

You're so full of sh*t, man.

[Jim]

We're finally getting out today.

You know, I hate this f*cking despicable sh*t hole!

Randy and I got nothing now.

We'll be starting over from scratch, but...

that's okay.

'Cause at least we won't be in here.

At least we'll have each other.

I love my Randy, my beautiful Randy.

The time in here has helped Mr.

Lahey and I get closer than we ever have been.

I don't think our love has ever been stronger.

I just hope he's okay in the head when we get out, that's all.

[door opening]

[Randy]

What do you want, Ted?

We're free men now?

[door shuts]

[Ted]

Rumour has it that you're going to try and make things difficult for me.

[Jim]

Well, the truth will set you free, Ted.

[Ted]

I'm gonna bet you won't.

In fact, I'm gonna bet you grand.

[soft thud]

That's for you screw-ups.

- Some "shut the hell up" money.

- [unzipping bag]

That $ K we busted you guys with was supposed to go to the Crown Attorney under the Proceeds of Crime Act.

And it would have been locked up in an evidence room forever.

That didn't make sense to me.

Now, I'm not George Green.

Our department needed computers and forensics equipment, and a new cruiser.

Let's just say I made sure that...

that money stayed with the police station.

So, that just leaves you two jackasses as loose ends.

So, are we good here?

Or am I gonna have to fake some charges and keep you two pea-brains in here a little longer?

Oh, thanks a lot, Ted.

We're more than good.

Right, Mr.

Lahey?

- Right, Randy.

- [zipping up bag]

[Ted]

You understand that this is hush money.

So not a g*dd*mn word.

Or I'm going to destroy your lives.

[electronic beep]

[man on PA]

Cell six.

No b*ating off.

Terry, this is your last...

[door closing]

Look at this f*cking thing!

I built this by my f*cking self.

Like, check it out.

I've got a wicked kitchen set-up.

I've got my bedroom here, a nice flat screen TV.

Like, get the f*ck in and check that out.

It's f*cking amazing!

All right, and come back here.

I got my downstairs bathroom here.

Got a bit of a bar in the trunk there.

And this is f*cking wicked.

I built this for Moe for when he wants to sleep over.

He f*cking loves it!

All right.

Now check this upstairs out.

This is f*cking badass.

Look at this f*cking patio!

I got a couple recliners here, blaster, TV...

f*cking nice lamp.

I made that myself.

A little stool for Jacob because he doesn't need much, he's f*cked.

And if you get too banged up up here, got a nice f*cking urinal.

You can piss right here, like this, and it runs right down the hose into the f*cking downstairs bathroom.

What do you think?

Like, I am living like a f*cking king!

[Cory]

Dude, this deck is awesome!

I love it up here.

It's so badass.

Yeah, Ricky, it really is incredible.

I know how f*cking great it is, okay?

I built the f*cking thing.

I know how awesome it is!

But back to the big announcement.

It's gotta be something huge or I'm going to come across like I'm a f*ck dummy.

Why don't you tell everyone you're dead?

That's big, man.

But Cory, there's a problem with that, see...

I'm not dead, right?

See where I'm going with this?

What if you were running for President?

There's nothing huger than that.

That's brilliant, Jacob.

Really believable, that I'm gonna run for f*cking President of Canada!

Okay, whatever it is, it has to be something huge and you gotta come in on... like, with something big.

- [coughing]

- You mean like a dump truck or something?

Because that would be cool.

Yeah, dude.

Why the f*ck did I even ask you two cock slingers to help?

- You're too f*cked!

- Oh, how about an animal?

Yeah, man.

Hey, something exotic.

Like a snow tiger.

You know what, an animal...

- [Jacob coughs]

- might f*cking do it.

But a f*cking snow tiger, seriously?

Where the f*ck am I gonna get a snow tiger around here?

It needs to be, like, an animal.

Something big.

But something we could get, like, locally.

Got it.

Steakmaker.

Yeah-h-h!

What the f*ck is a steakmaker?

He means a cow.

A lot of people are calling them that these days.

Who?

Who the f*ck calls them that?

People that are f*cked in the head, that's who.

Oh, my f*ck.

I've got it!

You were f*cking close, too!

Something with four legs, eats grass and lives on a farm.

Spider.

No, not a f*cking spider.

A spider has ten legs.

A f*cking hornse!

- Think about it, a hornse!

It's beautiful!

- Nice!

Where did you even come up with that?

Don't know.

Just popped in my f*cking head.

What if it was a gift for Susan?

That would make the announcement even bigger!

Dude, what if it was an engagement gift for Susan?

That makes the announcement even bigger-bigger!

But I'm not f*cking engaged to Susan, you f*cking ass hamsters, am I?

Yeah, but if you tell people you are, they'll believe you.

Imagine if you came in on an engagement horse.

Even better if you put a fake horn on that sh*t, it's an engagement unicorn horn.

Du-u-ude!

That's f*cking awesome!

You know what, boys?

It's f*cking perfect.

I mean, not the unicorn sh*t.

That is completely f*cked, Cory!

But that would be a big f*cking announcement.

A f*cking engagement hornse.

Holy sh*t!

This changes everything, Mr. Lahey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, Ran-Ran-Bodingo-Man!

Don't forget, when we go back to the park, Julian's gonna try to k*ll us.

Look, this money might be the answer to everything.

We could offer it to Julian.

Maybe he'd wipe the sh*t slate clean.

Seriously, sir?

Never forget it's Julian's fault our lives are so frigged up.

- That's true.

- They did this to us.

And they didn't have to go to jail.

We did.

That's a very good point, my sexy little Ran-Man.

Well... what if we offered him half the money?

Look, we'd still have enough money to live comfortably for a long, long time, Randers.

What do you think, bud?

You're right.

And then we'd have peace.

- Right.

- And a nest egg.

But we can never tell anybody about the money.

You promise?

- I promise.

- We'd never be safe, Mr. Lahey.

- That's a deal.

- [kiss]

We should stop at the King.

- [engine starting]

- [Ricky]

That's right, go pick some f*cking carrots.

Or whatever the f*ck it is you do.

You idiots ready?

Okay, go time, go time.

- Jesus Christ...

- [Cory]

Sorry, dude!

Get the f*ck in there.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh, yeah.

This f*cking thing right here.

Look at the f*cking paint job on this thing's fur!

It's beautiful!

It's awesome.

- All right.

- [latch clicking]

Let's get it the f*ck out of here.

[whistling softly, snapping fingers]

It's not moving, dude.

Well, f*cking make it move.

- How do we make it move?

- [whistling softly]

You get in behind it and push.

Cory, you pull.

Come on, let's get this going, boys!

We've got to get out of here!

- Are you...

- I'm not sure that's a good idea.

I heard you're not supposed to stand behind a horse.

Shut the f*ck up!

No talking, okay?

- Okay.

- Jacob, you push.

Cory, you pull.

- I'll help you, come on.

Jacob!

- [horse whinnying]

Push harder!

Punch it in the f*cking ass!

Show it who's boss!

- [high-pitched whinny]

- [loud thud]

- Ahh!

- f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

f*ck!

- f*ck, sh*t...

- It f*cking hurts, boys.

Okay.

I'm f*cking sorry, Jacob, but man, you're gonna have to get the f*ck up.

We've got to get out of here.

Are you okay?

I don't think I am.

Something's wrong with my neck.

It's f*cking k*lling me.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Sorry, man!

Cory, you help him.

I'll get the f*cking hornse.

But once again, boys, I'm wondering why the f*ck I brought you two cock lanterns on this!

f*ck's sakes!

[moaning]

[Cory]

Dude, man, that was just like the Kool-Aid man.

Except, like, way worse and sh*t because he knew what he was doing.

Oh my God...

[Jacob]

Oh my God, guys, I need to go to the hospital here.

My neck's really f*cking k*lling me.

Something's wrong.

Jacob, chill the f*ck out, okay?

It's probably just got a cank in it.

I'd be more worried about your ribs.

That horse kicked the f*ck out of you.

Those are probably broken for sure.

Nothing you can do for broken ribs, so f*ck going to the hospital.

You guys hungry?

I'm f*cking starving.

[moaning]

Got Ricky's beer all bottled and ready to go.

I've got time now to make a few deliveries for some extra cash.

Did you get a good sh*t of the truck?

Make sure you get a good sh*t of it.

Look, I've got the cape there.

Got the speakers, just like a little ice cream truck but for beer.

You know, the beersman.

Going awesome.

Donnie's been my number one customer.

Some people think this beer's a little bit strong, but...

f*ck, Donnie seems to...

- Oh, for f*ck's sakes!

- [Donnie screaming]

Jesus!

[Donnie]

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I just had that f*cking thing re-gravelled!

Donnie, calm down.

I'll give you a free case to make up for it.

Oh, you're f*cking right, you will!

And you tell f*cking Ricky I want those f*cking chicken fingers replaced

- he took last Friday...

- Donnie, f*cking relax.

- Are you coming to the party?

- I don't f*cking know yet!

Okay, bud.

Can you imagine, going around being that f*cking angry all the time?

He's gonna pop a blood vessel in his head.

f*ck's sakes!

Hey, guys.

Hey, can you give us a break?

We just got home.

We're trying to get our sh*t together here.

- Yeah, frig off, guys!

- All right.

[tires squealing]

[car door opening]

It's about f*cking time!

I've been waiting a long g*dd*mn time for this.

- Take it easy, Julian.

- Dreamin' of...

You take it easy!

Calm down, we just wanna talk.

No, I wanna talk to you two f*cking assholes!

- Listen, Julian...

- Randy, I'll handle it.

Julian, a lot of crazy, crazy sh*t went down there.

Yeah, because of you two drunken f*cking lunatics!

- Yeah, well...

- You ruined my f*cking life!

Randy and I are willing to take full responsibility, Julian.

Oh, you're taking full responsibility, all right.

Yeah, because we feel terrible.

But we think we have a plan to make it all up to you.

- [scoffing]

- Jim, shut the f*ck up.

I'm calling the sh*ts here.

- You took us for $ , !

- Right.

So this is what's gonna happen.

I'm taking half your wages for the rest of your f*cking life

- until you pay me back.

- Rest of our lives?

You're lucky I don't f*cking k*ll you right now, Randy!

Are we clear?

- Y... yeah.

- Good!

Wait a minute, Julian.

Calm down, it's just crazy talk, it's not fair.

f*ck you, Randy.

Just hear us out, we got a very generous offer...

Ra...

Ra...

Randy!

Julian's given us his terms.

Thank you, Julian!

Sorry, bud!

[car drives off]

[Tyrone]

Yo, what up, what up, what up, y'all?

Hope y'all having a good time.

Make some noise out there!

[cheering]

Yeah, y'all rocking with us, yo.

Hope y'all having a good time.

Yo, make some noise for my man, Ricky.

- [cheering]

- [Ricky]

Thanks, boys.

How the f*ck's everyone doing today?

- [cheering]

- Right on.

Well, today is a monument-alous occasion for me and that's why I wanted everybody here.

How's everybody f*cking doing?

[cheering]

You ready for the big f*cking announcement?

[cheering]

All right.

Cory, Jacob, you're on.

It's time.

Check out this f*cking thing.

Oh, my f*ck!

Are you joking, Ricky?

That's the big announcement?

You got a f*cking horse?

- [horse neighing]

- Well, it's not for me, Bubs.

Isn't she beautiful?

What a beautiful hornse.

Or is it a...

Does it have a cock, boys?

Yeah, dude, it's got a huge one.

[Ricky]

Actually, I guess it's a he, so...

Anyway, today, I want to give this beautiful hornse to the love of my life, Susan, and I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

So thanks again, everybody, for coming.

- [Bubbles]

What?

- What the f*ck is he doing?

Oh my f*ck, Julian, this is bad.

This is bad!

[Marguerite]

What's the matter with you?

You don't need a f*cking horse, you five-star dummy!

If she loves you and she wants to marry you, God help her, you don't need a f*cking horse or anything else.

[Bubbles]

Ricky, get the f*ck down here right now!

- Get down here.

- What's up, Bubs?

- Well, what are you f*cking doing?

- What do you mean?

You're getting enga...

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

You guys don't even f*cking like each other.

You can't get married.

Like, all you do is fight and f*cking bang.

And like, why would you even need this thing if you're getting engaged?

Great idea, boys.

A f*cking big animal.

Great one!

f*ck, you guys...

Take this f*cking thing back to the far...

the horse store.

Right the f*ck now.

Get going!

- [Cory]

Okay.

- Nice one!

Let's go, dude.

Watch out.

Watch out, dude.

It's a beautiful horse, but I mean, Ricky...

Jesus Murphy!

You know what, though, Bubs, like...

I really do think that I love her enough.

And you know what they say, you know, good, hard, heavy banging should cancel out hard heavy arguing and fighting, right?

Ricky, who in the f*ck says that?

Who says that?

Okay, you know what...

Maybe a hornse was a bit much, gifty-wise, whatever.

Just wanted to show my future wife how much I loved her so I wanted it to be big, but...

I guess the real big news here is the engagement.

Right?

[sighing]

I guess.

I guess it is, Ricky.

Congratulations, I don't know...

I just want you to be happy, but that's f*cked.

Yeah, me too, bud, but...

Here she is now, everyone!

Thanks again for coming!

- [Susan]

Where is he?

- [Ricky]

Hey babe!

[Susan]

Oh, there he is!

There's the whore hopping cock gobbler!

You dirty f*cking low-down lying bastard, f*cking prick!

You m*therf*cker!

Where did you catch it, huh?

From one of these rabie-p*ssy, f*cking trashy trailer sluts?

Well, who are you calling a trailer slut?

- Susan, Susan...

- You want to bring it?

Just calm the f*ck down, please.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Catch what?

Catch what?

Catch f*cking what?

- Chlamydia!

Is catch the f*ck what!

- [crowd gasping]

I'm kicked out of my f*cking house because of you!

You gave me an STD, you f*cking piece of sh*t, you cheating, rotten, f*cking sh*t-infused whore magnet.

We are f*cking done!

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

Susan, hold the f*ck on here.

You listen the f*ck to me right now.

I didn't bang anybody else.

Why would I?

I love banging you!

- Oh!

- And you're f*cking living with someone?

What are you, married?

No, not exactly but f*cking years, Ricky.

What the f*ck, Susan?

I thought we f*cking loved each other or some sh*t here.

I was actually gonna ask you to f*cking marry me today.

- That's why everyone's here.

- [laughing]

Marry you?

I'm f*cking...

Marry you?

Look at you!

We were having an affair, you dumb d*ck.

It was low-down, good, dirty f*cking sex and then you f*cked it all up and ruined my f*cking life, you dirty f*cking slut.

All right, that's e-f*cking-nough!

You don't have to f*cking hit Ricky

- just because you have an STD!

- Oh, right?

So was it you?

Yeah, it was f*cking me, you stupid whore!

[mixed screaming]

Susan, I didn't f*cking sleep with someone else.

So it is impossible that I gave it to you.

You must have banged someone else!

Oh, f*cking classic, Rick!

Turn it around on me like you always do.

You know what, you are so f*cked.

You're f*cking stupid.

You're f*cking overweight.

You dress like a f*cking idiot.

You wanna know why, Ricky?

- Why?

- Because you're a f*cking loser.

f*ck you, Ricky LaFleur.

You suck my f*cking cock!

[sobbing, indistinct yelling]

Ricky, just let her f*cking go.

- It's for the best, buddy.

- [Susan]

Oh, you f*cking suck it!

[Marguerite]

You're better off without her.

- You all right?

- Yep, I'm fine.

You all right?

Let's smoke a joint...

Smoke a joint, get drunk.

Come on, man.

Ricky...

[voice shaking]

No.

Uh, I'm good.

- [tires squealing]

- [Susan]

f*cking piece of sh*t!

- [music playing]

- [Bubbles]

Jesus, she is wild.

- She's f*cking crazy.

- [Ricky]

God f*cking damn it, I'll just bend over again, and you can f*cking decide what you want to shove in me this time!

- Let's get the party going again...

- [cheering]

- Everybody.

That was...

- [Ricky]

...God's little f*ck toy!

And what do you think, my sweet little goddess of liquor?

You know, you have no idea how much I've missed you.

What's that?

I totally agree!

Why'd you pansy out, Mr. Lahey?

You should never have accepted those terms.

Giving up half of our wages is way more than grand.

It's frigging ridiculous!

You're just not seeing it, my beautiful Ran-Ran-Thank-You-Man.

Sit down!

Look, me and the liquor, we've got it all figured out, bud!

It's gonna take a long time for Julian to rack up $ , from our wages, right?

So meanwhile, we can take the that we were going to give that beautiful bastard, and we can double or triple it.

We just treat it like play money.

What are you talking about?

How do we double or triple it?

Horse track, baby!

We just sit back and we let the liquor choose our horses!

They've got a great canteen at the track.

Haven't changed the grease in years.

[calculator clicking]

Well, as f*cked as today was, I actually didn't do too f*cking bad.

I'm surprised.

Just means I've got to sell more beer tomorrow, I guess.

- That's not too bad.

- [footsteps]

Hey, buddy.

Listen man, can I borrow a few beer off you?

I've got Skyler coming over.

She doesn't drink rum, she wants f*cking beer.

So that's my...

Skyler's my f*cking problem now?

That's a nice wholesome name, too, Julian.

Where'd you meet her, at the church rally?

Do you got any f*cking beer for me?

- Obviously I have beer!

- Okay, all right, thank you.

- But the sh*t's not free to f*cking make.

- No sh*t.

- It still costs money.

There's six.

- Bubs.

- Chill out, I'll get you the f*ck back.

- Chill out?

Well, how long do you plan on f*cking living like this?

It's just a few f*cking beer, man!

Oh, yeah, it's a few beer and then it's this...

Hey, boys.

I ran out of whisky.

Any chance you guys can lend me bucks for booze?

Need to get f*cked out of my head, I'm only about quarter of the way.

Sorry, bud.

I got nothing.

And I'd get drunk with you tonight, but I got a chick coming over.

So...

It's cool.

I kinda wanna be by myself right now anyway.

Bubs, could you help me out, please?

Jesus Christ's sweaty f*cking balls, you guys are f*cked!

Both of youse.

Look out, Ricky.

Look out.

Here.

I'll give you a little bit of whisky 'cause I do feel bad for what happened to you today.

That was f*cked.

But I think it's for the best.

I really do.

[exhaling]

Boys, I've got to f*cking...

get something off my chest here that's been building.

It's been building and I can't take it anymore.

Okay, listen.

I'll start off by saying I love you guys, okay?

I always have and I always will.

- Love you too, buddy.

- Yeah, me too.

What the f*ck's up?

Just shut the f*ck up!

Shut your big muscular lips and listen for once.

I've got the floor.

Now this might sting a bit, boys, but it needs to be said.

Have you guys looked in the f*cking mirror lately?

Have you really looked in the mirror, like, went right up close and looked at yourself in the mirror?

I haven't.

I don't like getting too close to mirrors.

They f*cking scare me.

Feel like they're going to suck me right in or something.

Well, you should do it, Ricky, because it's f*cking time to grow up.

Especially you two, 'cause we are getting f*cking old, boys.

We're getting old, and we're getting out of shape and we're getting shitty looking.

We're getting shitty looking and you're not getting any younger, but what are you doing?

You're breaking the law like you're f*cking years old.

Nothing's changing.

And who's benefiting from it?

Nobody.

Well, I almost benefited today.

I was almost f*cking retired,

- when you think about it.

- You shut up too, Ricky, because you're not retired.

That's the f*cking point I'm trying to make.

You're not retired, and you shouldn't have been f*cking...

lying to us about growing dope.

That is bullshit.

That was bullshit, man.

I know, I'm sorry, it was dumb.

I should have told you guys.

You should have f*cking told us!

This is a f*cking wake-up call right now, boys.

I'm telling you, because I'm already gone legit.

I've got legit things going on.

And you guys, I know how you f*cking operate.

You've got no money now.

You're broke, and I know what that turns into.

The next thing you know, you're gonna be in jail forever.

You're gonna wind up in there for the rest of your lives.

f*cking in there, all alone, dying, looking shitty.

And when you're in there taking your last f*cking breaths, Ricky, sucking in your last breath on earth, there's gonna be no family there and no Bubbles to hold your hand.

- Come on, Bubs.

- Don't f*cking "come on" me.

It's true.

Like, if you guys f*cking loved me as much as you say you do, then breaking the law is over for good.

That's it.

That's all I've got to say.

I want you guys to f*cking think about that tonight.

Here, Ricky, you can finish that off.

Consider it thinkin' liquor.

Do you got any ice or mixers?

Thanks, buddy.

Well, I hope you get banged, Julian.

Thanks.

[bottles clinking, ice rattling]

[theme music]

[seagulls squawking]

[fish]

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck off!

f*ck!...

f*ck off!

Jesus Christ!

f*ck.

- [light clicks off]

- [whispering]

f*ck off.