04x10 - Season 4, Episode 10

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Affair:

[Noah] She seemed like the
loneliest girl in the world.

[Alison] You know,
some days, I-I'm proud

of the life that I've built.

And then, sometimes,
it just feels

like a giant charade,
and this is all a joke

I've been playing on myself,

this life that I
am trying to live.

Go home to your f*cking wife.

[grunting and groaning]

[James]
They found her body.

She drowned herself.

[Noah] I saw her,
and she was pretty b*at up.

-She had... her head was...
-[Jeffries] Lacerations.

Right, all consistent
with striking

-against these rocks.
-[Cole] What about Ben?

[Jeffries] He has an alibi.
It checks out.

-[Cole] What did you say to her?
-[Ben] I don't know

what the f*ck you're asking.

I'm asking you what you said

that made her want
to k*ll herself.

Why don't you take a look
in the f*cking mirror!

-Why didn't you do something?!
-Stop it!

You had her in your hands,

and you let her go. Why?

[Helen] I took a pregnancy
test this morning.

You're entering
menopause, Helen.

Don't you think I'm too young
to be in menopause?

Don't you think
I'm too young to die?

Where you going?

To my women's moon circle.

I invited you.

I just had this intuition

that you really
needed some guidance.

I f*cked a married man.

I really like his wife, so...
it was a stupid thing to do.

I wish I had your life.

I mean, you have a whole world

that literally couldn't
live without you.

I'm feeling like Vik
isn't listening to me.

I'm feeling like I want him
to get treatment.

What he needs you for,
the one thing

you can give him
that no one else

in the world can,
is your love.

Helen.

I don't want you to die.

I don't want to die, either.

♪ I was screaming
into the canyon ♪

♪ At the moment of my death ♪

♪ The echo I created ♪

♪ Outlasted my last breath ♪

♪ My voice it made
an avalanche ♪

♪ And buried a man
I never knew ♪

♪ And when he d*ed,
his widowed bride ♪

♪ Met your daddy
and they made you ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave
that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean,
sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back into the o... ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back into the o... ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back
into the ocean ♪

[a cappella group vocalizing
intro to "What Sarah Said"]

♪ And it came to me then ♪

♪ That every plan ♪

♪ Is a tiny prayer ♪

♪ To Father Time ♪

♪ As I stared at my shoes ♪

♪ In the ICU ♪

♪ That reeked of piss ♪

♪ And 409 ♪

♪ And I rationed my breaths ♪

♪ As I said to myself ♪

♪ That I'd already taken
too much today... ♪

Hey, Cole, uh...

do me a favor, man.

When-when you get this,
give me a call.

I'd really like to help
with the arrangements.

♪ Took you a little farther ♪

♪ Away from me ♪

Hey, man.

You look great.

-Surprised?
-[Noah chuckles]

-You ready?
-Yeah.

Let's do this.

-[indistinct chatter]
-[Ariel] Okay!

Good morning,
good morning.

[chatter quiets]

So... [clears throat]

in a move designed

to keep you all on
the very tips of your toes,

I read your stories
from last week

in an uncharacteristically
timely fashion.

Some were very,
very good,

while others...
well, all I can say is

I hope the rest of
your classes are going well.

-[light laughter]
-But before we commence,

let me call
your attention

to our special guest.

This gentlemen here is...

Noah f*cking Solloway.

[laughter]

[Ariel] Noah f*cking
Solloway, indeed.

The man wholly responsible
for the fact that I smoked

Parliament Lights
for nearly two decades

because in college he made it
look so tragically cool.

Mr. Solloway, can I just
fanboy out for a second?

I mean, you're the reason
why I became a writer.

I'm happy to hear it.

-I love the way you write women.
-You do?

Alana's my favorite, like,
contemporary character.

When she gives that speech
at the end of Descent

about feeling like a figment
of other people's imagination...

how'd you know that?

Yeah, seriously.

Uh, well, to be honest,
writing character

is all about
listening to people.

And, uh, the place
I really learned to listen

was in a seminar
like this one

a million years ago,

with Ariel
sitting next to me.

[chuckles]

Noah has with him today
a prospective student.

Uh, guys, this is Antony.

Anton.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

You can call me Antony
if you want.

[laughter]

[Ariel] Anton is
visiting from L.A.

Where else you looking, bro?

Um, just here, actually.

Couple state colleges
in California.

I'm from Chicago,
South Side.

We should talk
after class.

We shall, man.
That'd be cool.

[female student] Before he
entirely turns you off,

this place isn't so bad.

It's pretty woke.

-[laughter]
-My God, Gabby.

What?

We have a residential college
named for a segregationist.

And the School
of Public Policy.

Yeah, but we fought
like hell

-to get his name removed.
-We didn't win.

-We got the mural taken down.
-Oh, the mural. What a win.

Oh, hey. I didn't see you
at the protest, Zac.

I had rehearsal.

-[laughter]
-It's cool, guys.

I actually really like it here.

Okay, so then let's get going.

May our pens be our swords.

Today's prompt
is a quote from Whitman.

This one's for you.

"Do I contradict myself?

Very well, then.

I contradict myself.

I am large.

I contain multitudes."

Write a character sketch

of a person who has
a contradiction.

A paradox.

Show, don't tell.

You have 15 minutes.

Uh, can I borrow a couple

-pieces of paper?
-Mm-hmm.

-[paper tearing]
-[Anton] Thank you.

How you holding up?

How's Joanie?

Yeah.

I don't know what
you tell her, either.

Me?

Yeah. Sure.

No, I'd love to.

I don't know.
I'll think about it.

Maybe something
from a book she loved.

Yeah.

Okay, is there
anything else you need?

I'll be there tomorrow morning.

Uh, he's great.
He's, uh...

I think he likes it here.

[chuckles]
Yeah.

Will do. You, too.

Oh.

-Hey, stranger.
-Hey.

Damn, Hoffman.
Leaves of Grass.

Diving deep.

Thank you for this.

Stop. Are you kidding?

I was thrilled
to hear from you.

What's it been,
20 years?

No. Can't be.

I was at your last
book party.

-You were?
-Yeah.

Brooklyn Heights?

The one about the sisters,
Siamese twins?

That was three books ago.

What?

God, you were always
so prolific.

You say it as if
it's a bad thing.

It's not a bad thing.

It's just emasculating.

Uh, if I remember correctly,

you're hard to emasculate.

So, this is nice.

What you're doing for this kid.

Yeah, well, he's, you know...
he's... he's very talented.

He just needs a...
a way in.

-He's your student?
-Mm-hmm.

Where?

At a charter school
in South L.A.

I didn't realize
you moved to California.

When did that happen?

Well, Helen's boyfriend
got a fancy job in L.A., so I--

Wait. What?

You guys split?

-Yeah. You didn't know?
-When?

Years ago. I mean, well,
it was in the news.

You don't read the paper?

Not if I can help it.

I read novels mostly.

Memoir, if pressed.

You haven't changed at all.

Wow.

Noah and Helen.

Requiescat in pace.

Yeah. Thanks.

I thought you guys
were gonna last forever.

You were campus celebrities.

Yeah, well...

plans change.

They really do.

So, what happened?

Was it her dad?

You remember him?

I remember that she thought
she kind of thought

she was slumming it with you

and you thought you found
your golden goose.

Damn, Ariel.

You really were
paying attention.

Well, I had a crush.

I spent most of college
waiting for an opening,

but... it never came.

[chuckles]

I'd say you dodged a b*llet.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

Looking back,
I could have predicted that.

I think you had the world
a little bit too much

at your fingertips,
didn't you?

Yeah, I was a...

I was an assh*le
for a long time, but...

What about you?

I mean, chair of
the English department.

Multiple best sellers.

Things worked out
pretty well.

I had a cancer scare last year.

I'm fine--
they cut it out-- but...

I am feeling
pretty lucky these days.

I have this new boyfriend.

He's a composer,
Brazilian.

Hot.

Yeah, right? [chuckles]

Kids?

No.

Never had time.

Biggest regret.

You?

Yeah. I've got
four of them.

What?

Jesus, Helen, nice work.

Yeah, I don't see too much
of them, but I try.

Did you ever remarry?

Yeah, I did.

Oh?

Tell me about her.

Well, she's, uh...

She's dead.

She d*ed.

Just a few days ago.

Noah...

Wh-What are you even doing here?

Uh... what do you mean?

Uh... are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm...

I mean, I'm sad,
obviously, but, uh...

-I'm fine.
-[cell phone alarm ringing]

Shall we?

Okay, guys, that's time.

So...

Who wants
to start us off?

Anton, how about you?

You don't have to.

Hey, I'll read.

Yeah. [clears throat]

Okay.

Here goes.

[takes deep breath]

"You can tell
he used to be

kind of cool
when he was younger.

Something about the way
he wears his jeans.

Or maybe it's the way
he carries himself

with a certain swagger.

Most of the teachers,

they were there
because they had to be.

And we knew that.

But not him.

He was a
big-time author.

He was there because
he wanted to be.

Because he cared
so much about us.

Because he was
a good man.

He'd wave George Orwell around
like they were peers

and weep over Eliot.

I had never seen
anybody cry

over a poem before.

I wanted to be just like him
when I grew up.

So smart, so worldly.

Wanted to have
that kind of grace

resting on my shoulders.

To move through the world

like it was a woman
who belonged to me.

We took a trip
together.

He didn't have to do it,
but he offered.

Because he believes in me.

He believes in my future.

Also, he's f*cking my mother.

But that doesn't matter,
because he cares.

Look how he parts the seas

for a boy like me
to walk right into Canaan.

He's got kids
of his own, you know.

He never really
talks about them.

Makes you kind of
wonder why.

Nothing affects him.

Everything seems to roll
right off of his back.

Everything is hard for me.

I put on a good act,
but on the inside,

I'm checking every gesture,
every facial expression.

I stand in front
of the mirror at night,

and I practice how to smile.

Not too much;
just the right amount.

Do you have to be white

to move through
the world like that,

with that kind
of confidence,

or is it
something else?

Some kind of
sociopathy, maybe.

Is there really a difference?"

That's all I have.

[applause]

[cell phone buzzing]

[buzzing stops]

[Anton]
Yo.

Mr. Solloway.

You okay?

No, I'm not okay, Anton.

What the f*ck was that?

What? In class?

Yes, in class.

I'm busting my ass for you.
I've driven across

the entire f*cking country
to bring you here,

and all this time,
that's what you think of me?

I thought you'd be proud.

Are you insane?

I did well in there.

I kicked ass, actually.

I'm definitely getting back in.

-And that's all you care about?
-Look, I wrote that piece

because I knew
that's what they wanted.

And they ate that sh*t up.

-What are you talking about?
-I mean, they started the class

talking about
f*cking segregation.

Okay, I heard that,
and I was like, "Okay.

I understand the role
y'all want me to play."

Jesus Christ.

When in Rome, right?

You can't take
people's lives, Anton.

You can't f*cking use people
to get what you want.

That's... that-that is f*cking
sociopathic behavior.

I thought that was called
being a writer.

Well, you don't understand
the first thing

about being a writer.

Really?

So, Descent, Alana,

that wasn't about
your dead wife?

f*ck you.

Noah, what are you
even doing here?

I'm trying to help you.

That's what I'm
f*cking doing here.

Okay, but your wife,
she just d*ed.

Shouldn't you be there?

You shouldn't be here, okay?

This is... it's weird.

Wow, that's a hell of a way
to say thank you.

[a cappella group vocalizing]

Look, it's late.
We better get to the airport.

Actually thought I'd stick
around for a couple hours,

check out the campus some more.

Yeah, well, I promised
your mother I'd put you

-back on a plane, so let's go.
-Hey, look. See this?

It's called an iPhone.

Okay, it has maps
and a clock and this thing

called the Internet.

And I can call a cab
whenever I want.

I'm 19 years old.
I'll be fine.

You sure?

Sure.

You should take care
of yourself.

It's been a long week.

Yeah.

I need to buy a f*cking suit.

There's got to be
a Brooks Brothers

around here somewhere.

This place is like
a f*cking mall.

So, you gonna go?

I might.

Hey, Noah.

♪ quiet, atmospheric music ♪

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Seriously.

I had fun.

Sorry about Alison.

Yeah. Me, too.

Me, too.

♪ ♪ ♪

[quiet chatter, laughter]

-[knocking at door]
-[Luisa] Cole?

You okay?

Baby, we don't want
to be late.

[sighs]

[indistinct program
playing over TV]

[Luisa]
Hey, Cole.

Can you help me
with this, please?

Thank you.

Um, I put the candles
in the trunk.

The votives Athena asked for?

[TV stops playing]

I was watching that.

We should get you dressed.

[sighs]

Want me to unpack these for you?

No, I'll take care of it later.

But you've been back
two days.

Exactly.
It's only been two days.

But you're planning
to unpack, right?

I mean, eventually?

[takes deep breath]

Look, Cole, I...

don't want to have a big
conversation right now, but...

I need to know your plans,

what to tell Joanie.

I have no idea
what to tell Joanie.

That her mother
just k*lled herself?

Should I start with that?

I just need a second, please.

Please, I just need
to get dressed,

and I need to bury Alison,

and then we can talk
for as long as you like.

We can talk all night
if you want.

Okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

[sighs]

♪ This land is your land ♪

♪ This land is my land ♪

-♪ From California ♪
-[turn signal ticking]

[Joanie]
♪ To the New York island ♪

Wait, baby, where are you going?

To the church.

No, Athena moved
the service to the beach.

Why didn't you tell me?

I did.

[sighs]

[tires squeal, horn honks]

[horn honking]

♪ This land is your land ♪

♪ This land is my land ♪

[Joanie joins in]
♪ From California ♪

♪ To the New York island ♪

♪ From the Redwood Forest
to the Gulf Stream waters ♪

♪ quiet, atmospheric music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

[quiet, indistinct chatter]

Nice turnout, huh?

It's a f*cking
clown car.

[Athena] ...traditional
mourning color in China.

You know, purity, which I think
is more important than--

What the f*ck, Athena?

[sighs]

[both sigh]

[softly]
Cole.

Thank you for being here, Cole.

Where else would I be?

Alison's at peace now.

Don't you think?

What is that?

That's our Alison.

I told you I wanted to bury her.

I understand that's
what you wanted, Cole,

but this is what
she would have wanted.

A beaching ceremony.

After the service,

everyone will get
a little bit of Alison's ashes

to bury in the sand,
and then we meditate,

we sing, we celebrate,

as we wait for the tide to rise

and wash her back into the sea.

[sobbing]

Doesn't that sound like
something Alison would have
loved?

She would have hated this.

Alison hated the ocean.

And we agreed that she
was going to be buried

in my family's plot
next to Gabriel.

But, Cole, sweetheart,
why would we bury her

with your family?
She's my daughter.

She's my wife.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My darling, I'm sorry
for your loss.

Okay, we should get started.

Let's get started, everyone.

♪ quiet, ambient music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

Thank you all for coming.

Oh, my darlings.

I haven't prepared a eulogy.

I don't, um, believe

that memorials should be
dictatorships with one voice.

How can I speak
to the Alison you knew

when she was with you?

To you?

You all deserve

a chance to say good-bye
in your own way.

And so... [sighs]

before we, um, distribute ashes
for the beaching ceremony,

we'll pass her around

and hold her
one last time.

And when she comes to you...

...you hold her close
to your heart and say good-bye.

I'll begin.

If I can.
[chuckles]

Oh, my baby.

I remember...
[sniffs]

God, one time
when you were little,

you brought home a...
a lizard tail.

Just the tail.

You learned about
regeneration

in school,
and you were sure

that life
could work backwards.

That this tail
could regenerate the beast.

Oh, I wish I could
regenerate you now, my girl.

But...

I know that's selfish.

That... that would
stop my pain.

You, my darling,

who had so much pain
in your short life,

you're finally at peace.

Oh, Jesus,
this is difficult.

Alison, you were magic.

You were light.
You...

You made me believe
that anything

and everything
is possible.

You were wild.

You were brave. You...

You took nothing for granted.

[sniffs]

And you made me see
the world with new eyes.

With wonder.

Where does that spirit go now?

I don't understand.

How could you
of all people be gone?

You were, uh...

You were so empathetic,

so concerned with
the suffering of others,

including me.

♪ atmospheric music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

[woman]
Cole.

[quiet sigh]

♪ hypnotic, atmospheric music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

[panting]

[grunting, panting]

[coughs]

[footsteps approaching]

So, what's the plan here?

There is no plan.

[sighs] Funerals bring out
the worst in people.

Alison's gone, Cole.

It doesn't matter
where she's buried.

So, why not just let Athena
have her moment

as chief mourner
so we can all go home

to a more
private grief?

No.

You're not the only one
who loved her.

Don't I know it.

Look, Cole...

I know you're in pain.

And you may not want
to hear this right now,

but so are
the rest of us.

We're all reeling.

And that ceremony, it...

It meant a great deal to Athena,

who is her mother.

You know... [sighs]

if she was still my wife,

I would have got to choose
what happened to the body,

and nobody would've
questioned it.

I'm sorry.

Why'd you do it?

Why her?

I was unhappy.

Did she make you happy?

She made me happy.

♪ quiet, atmospheric music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

[sighs]

[breathing heavily]

How many times
you think we've had sex?

I have no f*cking idea.

Ten thousand?

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

♪ ♪ ♪

-What about you?
-[shushes]

Just hold my hand.

[gasps]

[Cherry]
Oh. Did I scare you?

[groans] No.

No.

[sighs]

[grunts]

Athena sent you?

She must really
be getting desperate.

Athena didn't send me.

I brought you
something to eat.

And I thought you might
be a little cold.

Yeah.

[takes deep breath]

Chicken salad
from the memorial.

I'm not hungry.

I know, but you have
to eat something.

[sighs]

How are you feeling?

I feel terrible.

I know, honey.

It takes time.

How did you do it?

When Dad d*ed,
how did you move on?

Did I?

I'm glad you think so.

I always hoped
for you and your brothers

that I was strong

and that you felt safe.

Because inside-- phew.

After he k*lled himself,
I broke five watch bands

in the span of two weeks.

I was always pulling at them.

Yanking at my wrists,

trying to figure out
what to do with all my anger.

It takes time.

I was coming back for her.

[takes deep breath]

I drove across
the entire country

to come and get her,
but I was too late.

I am always too late.

Oh, baby.

It isn't your fault.

None of this was.

I don't understand what
I'm supposed to do with this.

[takes deep breath]

I don't think I can carry it.

-You can.
-What if I can't?

-I know you can.
-But what if I can't?

Dad couldn't.

And I get it now.

Oh, I mean, to just go to sleep,

to... to never wake up
in pain again.

I know. Here's the thing.

You're not like your dad.

You're not a Lockhart.
You're a McGinty.

You're like me.

You're a survivor.
You're a fighter.

You told me I am
exactly like Dad.

Well, if I did,
then I was wrong.

-No, but--
-Sweetie, there are people

in the world
like your father.

Like Alison.

Magical, special people.

And we love them
for their sensitive souls,

and we love them
for burning so brightly.

But I think I always knew
your father was...

ephemeral,

even before he...

I mean, that's why
I sent him to California.

That's why
I let him have Nan.

'Cause I-I knew
somehow, deep inside,

I couldn't keep him forever.

He wasn't solid,
like you and me.

He was made of too much air.

So you knew about Nan.

Then you sent me out there
to... find her?

-Why?
-I don't know, Cole.

I think I wanted you
to see that life is...

God, I... it's messy, honey.

And you've had more mess,
more tragedy in your life

than most people.

And your answer,
like mine,

is to try
and take control,

and sometimes
you just can't.

And I want to tell you
that the worst of it

is just behind you
and that it's...

it's all gonna get better
from here on out.

And I hope it does.

Baby, it might not, and...

All I've ever wanted,

all that I wish for you,

is for you to know you're strong

and you can survive.

So you can be
the shelter for Joanie

the way I tried
to shelter you.

[Cole takes deep breath]

Oh, not everyone
gets to grow old, Cole,

but if I had to bet...

I would say
that you will.

And the sooner
that you understand that

as the great,
radical gift it is,

the sooner that you start
to think of what you have

instead of what
you've lost...

...the happier you and
your little girl are gonna be.

♪ droning, atmospheric music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

Is Joanie asleep?

Yep.

Thank you.

I love her.

I know you do.

Whatever happened
to those hardship papers?

I think we should
get 'em filed.

[sighs]

It's too late.

No, we're done.

Luisa, I'm sorry.

Cole, just listen
to me for once.

We're done.

I know we're done.

And I'm sorry for
everything that I said.

And I'm sorry for
the things that I've done.

You deserve
better than that.

We don't have
to split up.

We can stay married.

At least on paper.

And we'll make you
Joanie's legal guardian,

and we'll finally get you
your citizenship.

[takes deep breath]

[chuckles]

What are we gonna tell Joanie?

Right now I think I...

I'd just like to take her
on a little trip.

[takes deep breath]

Just the two of us, to...

get away from here
for a little while.

When she gets back,
she's gonna need

all the love she can get.

And she needs you, Luisa.

[speaking Spanish]

What does that mean?

[sighs]

You know what?
I think we should...

we should go to bed
tonight, and, uh...

I'll help Joanie pack tomorrow.

[sighs]

[Joanie] When we get
to our vacation,

will Mommy be there?

Nope. Just gonna be
you and me, kiddo.

Where is Mommy?

Some people think
that when you die

your soul goes up to Heaven.

And some people think

that you get to come back
as a different person

or even an animal.

But what about you?

Where do you think Mommy is?

[sighs]

I wish I knew, kiddo.

But I do know that she
will always be here.

And whenever you miss her,

all we have to do
is think about her

and remember her,
and that way,

she will always be with us.

♪ As I went walking ♪

♪ That ribbon of highway ♪

-[Joanie humming along]
-♪ I saw above me ♪

♪ That endless skyway ♪

♪ I saw below me ♪

♪ That golden valley ♪

♪ This land was made
for you and me ♪

[Joanie continues humming]

[continues humming]

♪ quiet, ambient music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

[birds chirping and squawking]

[medical monitor beeping]

[Vik grunts]

I'll send in Dr. Woo.

[Vik]
Thank you.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[sighs]

♪ quiet, atmospheric music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

Helen.

Hmm?

You're hurting me.

Oh.

Sorry.

This place is
kind of a mess, huh?

How do you feel?

I'm cold.

[mutters quietly]

I got you.

-How's that?
-Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

I love you.

[door opens]

Hey.

Good news, Vik.

-The cholecystitis has subsided.
-[Vik] Oh.

Morning, Doc.

Helen, can you, uh...?

Yeah.

[Dr. Woo] The ultrasound
of your right

confirms what the
lab results indicate.

Your leukocyte count
and your bilirubin levels

have come significantly down.

Your amylase
and your lipase levels

have normalized, too.

Oh. Wow.

What does that mean?

Well, it means he got lucky.

We caught the
cholecystitis quickly.

So I can go home.

I want to keep you here
for another day or two,

but if you're not febrile
in 24 hours,

I'll send you home on Friday.

Thanks, Doc.

[Dr. Woo]
Uh, but listen.

Now that this current
crisis is averted,

I want to talk to you again
about treatment.

If you continue
to go untreated,

I guarantee you

you will be back here
with something much worse.

Thrombophlebitis.

Perforated
stomach lining.

S-Something that you just
cannot bounce back from.

You're metastatic.

I know that.

Right, so you would also know

that we typically like
to treat metastatic patients

very aggressively.

I'm past surgery, Kristina.

That's not an option for me.

Chemo could shrink
this tumor.

And how much time
would that actually buy me?

Conservatively,
six to nine months.

And here's the thing.

Treatment will improve
your quality of life.

Look, Vik.

I have seen this before.

There's a reason
they say

that doctors make
the worst patients.

We all have
God complexes.

And when we get sick,

we're f*cking pissed.

I understand that.

But you know what?

You obviously have
someone in your life

that loves you
very much,

and they want you
to stick around,

so forgive me for what
I'm about to say,

but I've known you
for, what,

almost 20 years?

You're being an assh*le.

This is exactly why
we broke up, Kristina.

You've got a potty mouth.

[Dr. Woo] Why don't
you two talk it over?

It was nice to
see you again, Helen.

Nice to see you,
Kristina.

[door opens]

-[sighs]
-[door closes]

Why did you two break up?

She matched in L.A.

I matched in New York.

We were 26.

We thought we had
all the time in the world.

She was wonderful, though.

She still is.

I mean, I think she had to...

go out of her way to treat you.

She had to move
a lot of stuff around.

Yeah.

So, do you want to talk
about, uh... all that?

Can we do it later?

When I come home?

Sure.

That's fine.
No problem.

Your parents are
on their way over anyway.

I was gonna run home
and just, um,

take a shower,
change my clothes.

Yeah, you should.

-I'll be fine.
-Okay.

-Helen.
-Yeah.

I hate putting you through this.

I never wanted to be
a burden on anyone.

Stop.

[knocking at window]

-Hi.
-Hi. How is he?

He's better.
Uh, he's better.

Apparently, the infection
in his gallbladder's, um...

receding?
Is that the word?

His gallbladder?
I-I thought this was cancer

-of the pancreas.
-It is.

But apparently,
the tumor in the pancreas

is putting pressure
on the gallbladder,

and there's been some kind
of bi... bile buildup.

I don't really understand,
but you could ask, um,

his doctor when she gets here,
Kristina Woo.

I think you know her.

What?

Kristina is here
to take care of him?

-Who?
-Kristina, Abdul.

Little Kristina
from Stanford.

Oh, his girlfriend?

Well, ex-girlfriend, but yeah.

[Abdul]
Oh, praise Heaven.

Well, I've also
been taking care of him,

-you know--
-Kristina will help him.

Yes, she will get him
the medicine he needs.

[Abdul] She got a perfect score
on her medical boards.

Absolutely perfect.
Not one mistake.

Well, it was perfect.

Okay. Well, I have to go home
'cause I still have

some vomit on me from when...
Never mind.

I'm just gonna...
I'll see you this evening.

You should go and take care
of yourself, Helen.

You look tired.

Surprise!

Whitney. Whitney.

-Hi!
-Hi.

Hey there, Colin.

What are you doing here?

We came to surprise you.

Oh, that's nice.
What about school?

It's Thanksgiving.

Is it?

Oh, God.
Yeah, of course.

It's November.

-Right.
-So, where is everybody?

Um, your brother and sister
are with your dad,

and, uh, Martin went
to the Cape with Mariah.

No, he didn't.

They broke up.

-They did?
-Mm-hmm.

-When?
-Last week.

He's coming, too.

He'll be here
in a few days.

Hey, I'm so happy
that we get

to spend Thanksgiving together,
all four of us again.

And I was thinking,

what if we invited
Dad this year?

Do you think Vik would mind?

Mom, are you okay?

I'm just really happy
to have you home. That's all.

Oh, my God.

Mom, come on. Don't cry.

I told Colin you are
a total ball-buster

and that's why I'm so f*cked up.

Now he's gonna think I'm lying.

It's nice to see you again,
Mrs. Solloway.

[sighs]

It's nice
to see you, Colin.

[clears throat]
Are you guys hungry?

Do you want
something to eat?

I'll make you
an omelet or something.

Mom, we're vegans.

f*ck. Right.

I keep forgetting.

So, what does that mean?

I have to pick up
almond milk or...?

Yeah, don't worry.
We'll make our own.

You'll make your own
almond milk?

Totally. We stopped
at Whole Foods

and got some
stuff already.

Well, that's one less thing
to worry about.

Uh, you guys,
the place is yours.

Colin, there's a
really nice pool there

if you want
to take a swim.

This place is sick,
Mrs. Solloway.

Thanks. I like it, too.

So, uh, is it
just us tonight?

Are Trevor
and Stacey coming?

I was thinking of making
saag paneer for Vik.

I'm taking this
Indian cooking course,

and I'm kind of good.

No, she's really good.

Yeah, I am.

Hashtag "humble brag."
I'm really good.

Actually, Vik's not
gonna be here tonight.

He's in the hospital.

Come on, tell him
to beg off early.

I'm only here for a couple days.

Tell him, like,
punt the surgery.

Is Vik a surgeon?

You didn't
tell me that.

Yeah, he is.
He's, like, a super-surgeon.

Whit, actually,
he's not at the hospital.

He's in the hospital.

Uh, he's sick.

What? What do you mean?

I'm sorry.

I should have told you.
I meant to tell you.

You should have told me what?

Vik has cancer.

What?

It's stage four.

S-So... is he...

is he gonna...?

Yeah.

No.

-Yeah.
-No.

Look, I'm sorry.

I really didn't want you
to find out this way.

I-I-I wanted to
call you a while ago,

but you just seemed so happy,
and I didn't want to ruin that.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

-With me?
-This is why Trevor and Stacey

have been such zombies

when I've talked to them
on the phone.

God, Helen, you are
so f*cking irresponsible.

-Whitney.
-Just once,

one time, I'd like to come home

to some f*cking normalcy
for a change.

I have my sh*t
together.

Why can't you?

Can you please...

this time...

just not?

Not what?

Be a bitch.

I'm really sorry
that this

isn't the reality
that you thought

you were walking into
at this particular moment,

but that's...
this is what's going on.

This is what is going on.

Did you just call me a bitch?

-[sliding door opens]
-[Sierra] Hello.

-Oh...
-[Sierra] Anyone home?

Hi, Sierra.

-Hi.
-How are you?

I'm good.
Um, oh, my God.

Is this your
daughter?

Um, yes, this is my daughter
and her boyfriend,

and this is my friend, Sierra.

-Hey.
-[Sierra] Hi.

Oh, my God. It's so great
to finally meet you.

Mom, can we not
do this right now?

-Do what?
-Meet someone.

I-I need to talk to you.

Is this a bad time?
I can come back.

Why don't you just give me
a moment with my friend,

and you guys can go f*ck

in the spare guest room
or something.

[scoffs] God, this is
so f*cking typical, Helen.

Can you please stop
calling me Helen?

You never change,
do you?

Sorry about that,
Mrs. Solloway.

She's, um...

just started
a new birth control,

and it's making her,
you know, kind of mad.

It's fine, Colin.
I'm used to it.

Wow. She is a force.

Yeah. That she is.

I brought this for you.

It's called a white butterfly.

What's the occasion?

No occasion.

I've just been thinking about

how blessed I am
to have you in my life.

[clears throat]

Are you okay?
You look tired.

No, I'm fine.

I, um...

I-I can't stop thinking about

what happened
between us in the desert.

Yeah.

-Um...
-Have you been avoiding me?

No.

No, no, that's not it at all.

Okay.

Um, good, because I-I have
something to tell you.

Yeah, can it wait?

Uh, no, not...
not really.

It's just that, uh,
Vik is in the hospital.

Wh-Why?

Because he has cancer
and he's not treating it,

so the tumor won't stop growing,

and now it's pressing
against his gallbladder,

which, of course, is infected
because why can't anything

ever be just okay
for one f*cking minute?

Helen, I'm... I'm so sorry.

[cell phone ringing]

It's his mom.

[clears throat]

Hello, Priya.

What? I don't... No, you're
gonna have to slow down.

I don't understand
what you're saying.

Septic?

Are you sure?

Okay. Yes, all right,
I'm on my way.

Yes, no, I'm leaving now.

Now.

Is everything okay?

Uh, no.

I have to go.

Well, let me
drive you.

No, I'm okay.

Helen...

please let me help you.

I-I want to help you.

Sierra, you know
what happened in the desert,

that was a one-time thing
with us, right?

I'm with Vik.

-I-I can't just be--
-Yes.

I know.

Where are your keys?

I'm driving.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ tense, atmospheric music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

Hi. Can I help you?

Uh, there's already
two visitors, so you can't

-go in right now.
-What's going on in there?

-I'm sorry, who are you?
-I'm--

And where are
your visitor passes?

Mine is right...

f*ck, mine, it must
have slipped off.

[nurse]
You both need passes.

I need to go in there.

His mother just called me.

I'm sorry,
but if you're not

immediate family,
you cannot go in.

-I am. I'm his wife.
-Great.

So then go
to the front desk,

where your name is surely
on the list, and get a pass.

Maybe I can go to the desk
and get passes for both of us,

and then she can
go in right now.

-Who are you?
-I'm her friend.

[nurse]
You're not related to him?

-No, not exactly.
-Then you need to go.

Yeah, maybe you
should just go, okay?

Okay, but I...
I would just like...

-[retching]
-[nurse] Are you sick?

This guy's already septic.
Are you trying to k*ll him?

I was here an hour ago,
and he was fine. What happened?

His immune system
is hanging on by a thread.

If you have
the slightest cold--

-I'm not sick.
-Well, you shouldn't even

be in this hallway.
If you both don't leave,

I'm gonna have
to call security.

I'm not sick. I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Yes, that's what I was
trying to tell you.

Why are you trying to tell me?

I'm so sorry.

What?

It was an accident.

It was one time,

and it didn't
mean anything.

I don't, like,
love him or anything.

I mean, if there's anyone
I love, it's-it's you.

-Is this some kind of joke?
-I know this is a shock.

Is that why you bought me
that f*cking orchid?

It was a shock to me, too.

And I know that this
is such bad timing,

but, Helen, I-I...
I want to keep it.

I want to be a mother.

Everything you said
to me in the desert,

it resonated
so deeply with me.

And it's like you said
to me what I've

been waiting to hear
my whole life, and I...

♪ tense, atmospheric music ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

[footsteps approaching]

[groaning]
Oh, God.

You sound so old.

You didn't used to groan
when you sat down.

Why are we
sitting down here?

There's a perfectly good
bench over there.

I wanted to be
low to the ground.

Do you want one?

Got one for you.

No, thanks.

What happened?

Where are the kids?

I dropped them
at your place.

With Whitney
and the new boyfriend.

Oh, yeah.
He seems nice enough.

Yeah, he's okay.

She's exactly the same.

Yeah.

What did we do wrong there?

Helen, she's a kid.

We were already married
by the time we were her age.

Yeah, well, we were kids, too.

Vik okay?

No.

Vik is going to die.

I'm so sorry.

Yep.

Me, too.

I'm really, really sorry.

[sighs]

Did you ever meet
our neighbor, Sierra?

Don't think so, no.

-Well, she's pregnant.
-That's nice for her.

With Vik's baby.

What?

Oh, God.

Helen.

Look, Vik's not in
his right mind now, you know?

Look, it's already...
I don't care.

I really don't care.

Look, I f*cked her, too.

Really?

What, and I missed it?

[laughs]

Eh.

I just can't
go back up there.

I can't face him
like this.

Well, you're pissed
with him, right?

No, that's not
why I can't face him.

I don't know
if I love him.

I mean, the way
I'm supposed to.

You know...

I love him enough.

What does that mean?

Not the way I loved you.

Helen, we were...

We were young.

We hadn't f*cked up yet.

It's just so much easier
to feel deeply for someone

when there's no...

defenses or...

Baggage?

Well, yeah.

[sighs]
God, poor Alison.

How was her funeral?

Ah, it was awful.

Right.

No, they, uh...
her mother had her cremated,

so the ceremony
was on the beach,

and Cole grabbed the urn
and ran away with it.

Are you f*cking
kidding me?

No.

Oh, my God.

Everybody's
so f*cking crazy.

Yeah.

[sighs]

I miss her, you know. I...

Can't stop thinking
about how much I...

failed her and...

[sighs]

...how badly I f*cked up.

[sighs]

[taking deep breaths]

You know, what happened
to her wasn't your fault.

[scoffs]
You think?

No, I'm sure.

[grunts]

[sniffs]
How's Vik holding up?

He's not good.

I mean, it's like...

It's like the light
has gone out of his eyes.

Like somebody
just drew curtains.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Why doesn't he get
any treatment?

I don't know. I...

You know, he doesn't
think it'll work.

The doctors say
it might work.

Maybe I should have
tried harder.

I don't know. I don't know.

I just... I don't...
I don't know.

Can I tell you something awful?

What?

I used Vik...

to get over you.

I mean, I was
so afraid to be alone,

and he just breezed
into my life,

and it was so easy.

He didn't ask anything of me.

He took care of himself.

He helped me with the kids.

Everything was so much easier,

and I did not want
to let go of that,

and now I feel like I wasted
the last years of his life,

because he could have met
someone who loved him,

who really loved him,

who could have brought
her whole self to him,

not some kind
of f*cking broken--

Stop, okay? Seriously, stop.

That's enough.

You are a lot of things,
Helen. You are...

...neurotic
and-and overbearing,

and you're snobby,

and you're judgmental
and-and superior, but--

Are you gonna stop?

But you...
you are not broken.

I don't know anyone
who's tougher than you.

That might be the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Yeah, well, I mean it.

And I know you love Vik.

I-I've been watching you both
for however many years.

You love each other.

Maybe it's not the same
as it was with us,

but who gives a f*ck?

Where is it written that love

should be exactly
the same every time?

And now he's dying,

and there's nothing
you can do about it.

And I know that that
is terrifying.

I know that's the worst feeling
in the whole world.

But I gotta say, I...

if there's one person
I would want to be with

when I die,

if there's one person
who would make me feel,

no matter what,
that I was safe and...

that I was loved,

it'd be you.

Okay, that really is
the nicest thing

you've ever said to me.

Helen.

We are so f*cking lucky
to be alive.

I-I think about this
all the time these days.

We are just so f*cking
lucky to be alive.

[medical monitor
beeping quietly]

[sighs]

That was scary.

Yeah, it was.

I didn't realize
how painful it would get.

I have to say something to you.

I'm so sorry.

For what?

I should have listened to you.

I should have gotten treatment.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Stop.

We...

We did the best we could.

I've seen death.

I always knew
it was coming. I...

I thought I knew what it was.

But when it finally
happens to you, you...

you're not ready.

You're not dead.
You're still here.

I'm by myself now.

I'm on the other side.

Don't say that.

You're alive.

And I miss you.

I just...

I just want to be back,
where you are.

With you.

And the kids.

I don't want
to do this.

I don't want to go.

I want... more days.

I want more life.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Tell him now.

What?

He's awake. Tell him.

♪ "What Sarah Said"
by Death Cab for Cutie ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

[clears throat]

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ And it came to me then ♪

♪ That every plan ♪

♪ Is a tiny prayer ♪

♪ To Father Time ♪

♪ As I stared at my shoes ♪

♪ In the ICU ♪

♪ That reeked of piss ♪

♪ And 409 ♪

♪ And I rationed my breaths ♪

♪ As I said to myself ♪

♪ That I'd already
taken too much today ♪

♪ As each descending peak ♪

♪ On the LCD ♪

♪ Took you a little farther
away from me ♪

♪ Away from me ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause there's no comfort ♪

♪ In the waiting room ♪

♪ Just nervous paces ♪

♪ Bracing for bad news ♪

♪ And then the nurse
comes round ♪

♪ And everyone
lifts their head ♪

♪ But I'm thinking of ♪

♪ What Sarah said ♪

♪ That love is watching ♪

♪ Someone die ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ So who's gonna
watch you die? ♪

♪ So who's gonna
watch you die? ♪

♪ So who's gonna
watch you die? ♪