02x09 - Fear Strikes Out

[bunniefuu]

Seven minutes in heaven?

Yeah. They pick a boy.
They pick a girl.

Then they send you two
into a dark closet.

- Well, how do you find the girl?
- With your lips.

I'm gonna like this game!

Yeah, if that's what you're eatin' for
lunch, I don't think the girl's gonna like it.

- Nobody's talkin' to you!
- Just tryin' to help!

OK, look.
Closet strategy is the key.

You've only got seven minutes,
and you have to make every second...

- What are you doing?
- Lip-ups.

I want to be in shape.
I want to go the distance.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.

- What?
- Time b*mb.

Just ignore him.

Please. He's just playin' some game.

But, doesn't work.
Never has, never will.

- George, George, George!
- What?

Who dat?
Don't look, don't look!

Now look.

Mr. Turner, we are not in high school!

Well, yes, we are, but...
we are teachers, you fool.

Teach me about her.

Oh, that's Miss Tompkins.

She replaced Edwina Munsey in our
social studies department... mercifully.

- Did you hire her, George?
- Yes, I did.

Attaboy!

Take a shower, son.

You said "Miss."
You didn't say "Ms." or "Mrs."

That was an "iss," as in
"Iss must be my lucky day.

She is, indeed, single.
She is also highly intelligent.

That's OK.

Mr. Turner, I frown upon faculty
becoming involved with faculty.

Then it's not a policy.
It's just a facial expression.

Go ahead. Skip blindly into the minefield
of extracurricular romance.

Thanks.
I'm just goin' over to say "hi."

Welcome her to our school.
How's my hair?

Long.

- Cory.
- What?

What Eric said,
it's not bothering you, is it?

No, not at all. In fact,
I'm going over there right now

and tell him how much
it's not bothering me.

- Hi.
- Cory! What a surprise.

What time b*mb, Eric?
You can't just walk by me and go,

"Tick, tick, tick."
What's that supposed to mean?

Look, I'm just concerned you're not
prepared for the make out party tonight.

- I know how to kiss.
- You think it's that simple?

I mean, what happened if she has
braces? What happens if your noses hit?

What if a hanger hooks you
like a large-mouthed bass?

Do you even know
what to do with your hands?

No!

I-I-Is that important?

Look. Some things you can learn, but
some things, it's... it's already too late.

- I've got time!
- No, you don't.

You ate the beanie weenie
casserole, right? Tick... tick...

Oh, my gosh!
Why is that bad?

Cor, deep down, does the thought of
kissing somebody make you tense up?

- Absolutely not!
- OK, then.

All right, all right.
I wouldn't say "tense up,"

but I would say I become very... alert.

OK. So you'll be there
at the make out party, very alert,

you intestines full of beanie weenie,

you lean in for a kiss,

and you fly across the room.

(hissing sound)

This is great.
All the girls brought their lips.

Shawn, there's a girl with braces.
What if I get her?

She could cut my tongue
and I'll bleed all over my shirt.

Oh, no. Sally's wearing wool.

I'm allergic. What if I sneeze
in her mouth and pop her lungs?

Relax, man.
Have a snack.

Carbo load for the big race.

With bean dip?
Are you out of your mind?

What are you worried about,
your breath?

My breath!
I didn't even think about that!

Oh, man! I'm gonna k*ll 'em
comin' and going!

I'll blow us both out of the closet!
I'm gettin' out of here.

- Hi, Cory.
- Hi, Topanga.

Boy, what a great party, huh?
I was great.

I was in the closet minutes.

I'm gonna go home and ice my lips.

Cory!

Eric was right.
Too much can go wrong.

Cory, chill.
You're gonna be fine.

And you know why? 'Cause right up until
the second you go into that closet,

I'm right here with you,
no matter what.

'Cause it's Cory and Shawn,
Shawn and Cory.

- Shawn and Melanie.
- See ya.

All right, kids.
Now, time's up.

Come on, come on.
No overtime, no extra innings.

Is that the shirt you went in with?

(laughs) No.

Cory, the closet is your friend.

No, it's your friend, Shawn.
I'm gonna choke.

Who will be next?
Could it be Cory and...

Oh, no. That's me.
Maybe he'll pick me twice

- and I can go into the closet with myself.
- ...Topanga!

- (Topanga) Cory?
- (Cory) Huh?

(Topanga) Are you OK?
It's been a couple of minutes

- and you haven't said anything.
- This is stupid. It's pitch black.

How am I supposed to kiss you
if I can't even see you?

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, this is crazy.
How am I supposed to kiss you

with this blinding light in my eyes?

We don't have to do anything
you don't want to do.

I wanna do...
what everyone else is doing.

So, you're just doing this
so you won't be different.

I'm just trying to survive this.

Oh.

No, it's not you, Topanga. It's me.

I just can't perform
under all this pressure.

It's OK. Relax.
This happens to lots of guys.

How do you know?

Well, you know, girls talk.

Oh, man.

Listen, when you talk to girls,

this did not happen to me.
Nothing happened.

I mean, something happened, but...

Whatever was supposed to happen, did.

- Cory, do you wanna just talk?
- Could we?

So, what would you like to talk about?

Well, we could talk about what we're
gonna tell them when we get out of here.

- We could tell them we made out.
- They'd know.

I could mess up my hair
and you could change your shirt.

You'd have to smile a lot.

And you'd have to get
that real sleepy, stupid look.

You could change your shirt, too.

Don't push it.

How come you're being
so cool about this?

I don't know.
Because you're nice.

- Great. Twist the Kn*fe.
- I meant it as a compliment!

Guys don't wanna be nice.
We wanna be...

...you know, tough,
and good with appliances,

and good kissers.

Well, there's really only
one way to be a good kisser.

- You have to practice.
- You think?

Yeah. So either we can start
messing up our clothes

and trying to look stupid, or...

Or...

You could just relax and kiss me.

- Or, I could practice an hour a day on...
- Shh.

Time's up!
Let's take a look at 'em.

So... did you kiss anybody tonight?

- Mom...
- Amy, whoa.

Step away from your son, please.

- Why?
- You can't do that to a guy.

Oh, he's not a guy.
He's my baby.

Oh, please, please, please.
Have mercy on the boy, will ya?

How do I put this?
Do you want grandchildren? Huh?

Well, then, don't talk
like that to your son.

Go on, get out of here. Give the boy
some privacy, will ya?

Later, you and me, details.

So, studly, what happened?
Tell me.

- You got a minute?
- Yeah.

You won't need it.

- Nothin'?
- Less than.

Were you the only guy
at the party who didn't make out?

Well, Alvin had a rousing asthma
att*ck and had to leave early.

But other than him,
the cheese stood alone.

Cor, I want to say that in this,
the darkest hour of your youth,

I'm trying very hard not to laugh.

Nope, can't do it.

Eric, it was a huge party.
There was a lot going on.

- I-I'm sure no one even noticed.
- Uh-huh.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Amazing Lipless.

I'm OK.
Life goes on.

Here, drive this through my brain.

It's OK, Cor. I think it's only
a few guys that know,

and it's not like
they're gonna tell everybody.

Yeah. Yeah, nobody else will know.

Hey, Cory, listen, uh... if you ever
need to talk about, you know, anything,

I'm always available, OK?

OK?

I've sunk so low that even
teachers feel sorry for me.

Look, in situations like this,
it's like my uncle Ralph always says,

"It's not what you did.
It's what they can pin on you."

- So you're saying I should...
- Deny.

Deny everything.
Hey, you were in a closet.

Who else knows what
actually went on in there?

Just because he didn't kiss me
doesn't mean he's some kind of freak.

No. No!
Make her stop!

Look, all of you. Any guy can just
crawl in a closet and kiss a girl,

but Cory's different,
because he is a really nice boy.

(Cory) Well, I'm a nice boy, Shawn,
and now everybody knows it.

Hey, baboon.

I'll just be over here.

Over here.

There's an inspirational thought
I'd like to share with you.

"I cried because I had no shoes,

until I met a boy who had no lips."

That's a good one, Harley. That's a great
one. I'll be laughin' at that one for years.

I'll be tellin' my grandkids
about it years from now.

Unless I don't have grandkids.
Then I'll tell some kids in the park,

- and the cops will come and say...
- Shut up!

Look, Cory's obviously depressed,
so why don't you just leave him alone?

Over here.

W-Why do you even
care about nothings like us?

'Cause you seventh-graders
are my little ant farm.

I watch you work and play
and run through your tiny tunnels,

and when I hear that one of my
little ants is gettin' his legs ripped off...

...well, I can't miss that.

And here I thought
my life had no meaning.

Glad we could brighten your day.

So, Miss Tompkins, everyone making
you feel welcome here your first week?

Some more than others.

This Jonathan Turner guy--
what's the deal with him?

It's really not my place to comment
on one teacher to another.

Oh, come on.
He asked me out.

I just wanna know if he's an a* m*rder*r.

It wasn't on his resume.

I was just wondering,
is he the safe and sane type,

or is he more of a dangerous,
rebel loner?

If pressed, I'd be forced to say
he's more of the latter.

Excellent!

As much of a rebel loner as one can be

living with seven maiden aunts
above a lace and linen shop.

Come on.
He's a wild thing.

No, no, no, no.
He is extremely cautious.

He always wears his helmet
when he's on his motorcycle.

Oh, is that his Harley out
in the faculty parking lot?

No, it's mine.

Thank you, Mr. Feeny.
You have been so helpful.

- Believe me, it was unintentional.
- Don't worry.

We're just having dinner.
And if it works out, I owe it all to you.

I'm never going back to school again,
OK? I've made up my mind.

- I don't want to discuss it.
- All right.

So Noah had his paste cup,
and he reached over

- and took your paste cup?
- And he ate it.

And Mrs. Brookholder wouldn't
give you another paste cup?

No. She's a witch.

- Sweetheart, I think in the future--
- It's paste!

My entire high school career
crashed and b*rned today,

and you would rather talk about paste.

Would you like to discuss it now?

I choked at a make out party, OK?
Eric told me I'd choke.

He warned me I'd choke, but like an idiot,
I went to the party anyway.

Oh, Cory. Your first parties with girls
are always a little awkward.

Awkward? Mom, this wasn't awkward.

Losing your gym shorts while
climbing the rope-- that is awkward.

And it burns! This was beyond
humiliation... way beyond.

This was... this was... agubois.

Agubois?

It was so bad, I had to
invent a word for it.

Eric said I'd choke, but did I listen? No!

Aside from agubois, the key word
in all of this seems to be "Eric."

Oh, so you noticed that, too?

(laughing) What's with Cor?
I think he snapped.

I'm gonna go now.

What did you say to Cory
before this party?

I probably said, "Have a good time.
Thank your hostess."

Eric, look. You're not in any trouble here.
We want to know what you said

so we know what to say to him
to make him feel better.

Oh, OK. Told him how scary
it was gonna be to kiss a girl.

- And he bought it?
- Oh, he totally freaked out.

I was just playin' with his head.
I mean, you know.

Oh, man. You are in such trouble.

B-But you said before
that I wasn't gonna--

I was just playing with your head.
Sit down.

You know, Eric, Cory sounds so upset.

He isn't gonna feel like going out
with girls for a long time,

and I think you should
stay home with him.

No, you can't do that.
I'm just coming into my dating prime.

And yet, if I were you,
I'd be looking for other interests.

Homebound activities, my friend.

Because, until Cory feels like going out,
I don't see you going out at all, either.

I'm too cute to stay home!

Hey, Cor, how you doin'?

Just dandy. Sitting here, planning out
the rest of my life as a nice boy.

Look, Cor. I may have slightly
exaggerated the dangers in kissing a girl.

Forget it, Eric.
I'm never gonna date again.

No, no. See, you have to date again.
You have to date again real soon.

What's it to you?

You're my little brother.

Your pain is my pain. If you're
sitting at home on a Saturday night,

it's like I'm sitting at home
on a Saturday night.

- You gotta get back out there, man.
- I'm not ready.

Did you feel ready when Dad took
the training wheels off your bike?

No, and I wasn't. I lost six baby teeth
and scraped off half my face.

Exactly my point. See, you just needed
your training wheels on a little bit longer.

You need a no-pressure date
to get your confidence back.

No, there's no such thing
as a "no-pressure date."

I will take you and a girl
someplace so unromantic,

nobody will want to kiss anybody.

- You're gonna take me?
- Mm-hmm.

- Why?
- You're my little brother, remember?

Your pain, my pain...

OK, fine, but who do I take?

I mean, no one's talking to me
but Shawn and Topanga.

- Take Shawn.
- No, Topanga.

You animal.

- So, what do you do at this place?
- They drink coffee and they read poetry.

You can't possibly get into
any trouble here. Good luck.

Hey, look. Uh, they've got, uh,
cap-noo-see-no.

I'd love a double decaf latte
with skim milk.

Clearly you have knowledge
of other worlds.

I'll go find us someplace to sit.

(scattered applause)

This is for all my friends

who choose to remain anonymous.

"Poem of the fierce and bloodthirsty
samurai warrior.

"Cherry trees are blooming.

On the third evening,
the last flower dies and falls."

Thank you.

Hey, Frankie, that was really good.

I mean, you started slow,
but you got 'em at the end.

All right, you got that
out of your system? Let's go.

Hey, Frankie, I got a lot out of that,
'cause you put a lot into it.

I mean, everybody here liked it.

Hey, didn't you like it?

- See, you got a fan.
- I don't do it for the fame.

Well, that's not what
poetry's about, you know?

Poetry's about complex human emotion,
like, you know, whatever.

Harley, you go to poetry readings?

What, you don't think I'm a sensitive guy?
I should slap you around for that.

Cory, over here.

- You know, I like this place.
- Why?

It's friendly. It's homey.
There's just something about it.

- It's not a closet.
- You noticed that, too.

You know, Cory, you weren't the only
nervous person in that closet.

- No way.
- No, really.

All those people outside,
listening, waiting...

Yeah, but you girls have it so easy.

You just have to stand there
and wait to be kissed.

- Oh, please.
- What do you mean, "Oh, please"?

Speaking as a girl, we don't know
what we're doing, either.

Does anybody else know about this?

You're the first person I've told.

So, in the closet, if I had kissed you...

I wouldn't have known. I was worried
about where my hands would go.

Oh, I could have helped you with that.

Well, too bad we missed our chance.

(man over PA) Let's welcome
our next word painter, Donovan.

(scattered applause)

I call this one "The Photo Session."

Lights.

(bongos)

Peaches...

...ripened in the sun...

...hot and sweet.

Juice... wetting your lips...

- (bongos)
- ...and you,

nibbling the soft flesh.

(bongos)

- Nibble.
- (bongos)

- Nibble.
- (bongos)

Nibble.

Mr. Turner, over here.

There's a place right here.

You want me to sit here?

I just assumed you
were looking for a seat.

Oh, no, no.
That's fine, thanks.

So, Mr. Turner-- Jonathan--

Johnny... how goes it?

Fine.

You know, I had dinner
with Katherine last night.

- Did you?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
man, what happened?

Did you like her?
Did she like you?

Are you gonna see each other again?
Give me the skinny!

Curious, George?

- I set you up, now give.
- No.

- Hi, guy.
- Hi, Kat.

See you tonight.

I like her.

I'm telling you, it's a new breakthrough
in dating technology.

You made out at a poetry reading.

Oh, I love poetry now. In fact,
I'm thinkin' of becoming a poet.

There once was a boy named Cory...

...who now has an interesting story.

- He learned about kissing...
- ...and all he was missing...

...when he and Topanga made out!

Shawn, can you say "summer school"?

- Hi, Cory.
- Hi, Topanga.

- Well, see ya.
- See ya.

Ah, when are they
gonna leave me alone?

I call this one...

..."Canned Food Aisle." Lights.

(bongos)

Cling peaches in heavy syrup...

....syrup that drips from your tongue.

(bongos)

Drips... drips...

(bongos)

...drips from your tongue.

(bongos)

Fills your mouth with sweetness...

...and makes you want more.

(bongos)

- More...
- (bongos)