04x19 - Quiz Show

[bunniefuu]

What do you mean, forfeit?

My team doesn't know the meaning of the word forfeit.

Look, High School Quiz Show has been on the air for years.

We are an institution.

We've always had three players per team.

We're not about to change that now.

But the bus broke down.

It's not their fault that the bus broke down.

Well, then how did she get here if the bus broke down?

Well, she was driven over by...

Hey, Mr. Feeny.

Look, we're smart.

Okay, we forfeit.

Boys, where do you go to high school?

Forfeit!

I said we forfeit!

We go to, um...

Hey, Cory, who's that guy?

What, the head in the hallway?

Yeah.

That's John Adams' head.

We go to John Adamshead High School.

Which is why we forfeit, you see.

(BUZZING)

Let's get them into makeup.

(BUZZING)

Oh, no.

For the love of God, no.

And now back to High School Quiz Show with your host Arthur Kandib. Thank you, Mr. Prong.

All right, teams, for one point, "The region known as the Fertile Crescent lies between which two rivers?" Yes, Ms. Lawrence for John Adams.

He said "fertile."

(BOTH SNICKERING)

The answer is the Tigris and the Euphrates.

Yeah, nice try, Topanga.

Idiot.

That is correct.

All right!

Yeah.

You suck!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And with the score.

Hamilton High, , and John Adams High, ...

We will not be denied!

We mercifully take a break for these few kind words from our good sponsors at the world of knowledge.

And we're off. Will you look at that?

If you'll allow me to go on camera, I will apologize to your audience.

What are you, kidding?

I've never seen the audience into the show like this as long as I've worked here.

I don't understand.

Oh, I think I do.

See, for the past years, the teams have been composed of bookish academic types.

See, but your team...

They have a certain...

Educational deficiency?

No, but I was going to say they're cute.

They're fun to watch.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Brett McInerny with Oahu Beach Face Saver Pads.

Oh, hi, I think you're in the wrong studio.

Uh, no.

I think I am in the right studio.

John Adams rocks!

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

You know, I like what you are doing with your show.

If you're going to keep it this way, I think that Oahu Beach Face Savers may spend some advertising money.

Got it.

Excuse me.

Thirty seconds. Okay, look, I have worked very hard to be on this team, you two just happen to be here.

So I would really appreciate it if you would stop pushing the buzzer just because you like the sound.

Okay, fine, Miss Smarty-Pants, if you feel that you can do better than us, then the buzzer is yours.

(BUZZING)

Sorry.

Last time.

Ten seconds. Here are the questions.

No, I already have them.

No, the new questions.

In three, two, one. And we're back with my favorite part of the program, "The fast-paced, electrically-charged, lightning round "where the questions are worth..."

(FANFARE)

"Two points." "And the category...

"Whazzup?" (INAUDIBLE)

"What does the 'X' in X-Men stand for?"

(TIMER BEEPING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(WHISTLING)

Oh, go ahead.

The "X' in X-Men stands for the mysterious gene factor, which manifests itself as a mutant ability, such as the healing factor of Wolverine or the ability to manipulate the weather in Storm.

Dr. Matthews.

My esteemed colleague is correct.

Although he overlooks the amusing coincidence of the "X" in X-Men also standing for Professor Charles Xavier, the founder of the X-Men and the most powerful mutant mind on the planet.

"Most powerful mutant mind on the planet." Yes, that's exactly what I have.

Mom, Dad, you are now looking at the new champion of High School Quiz.

I thought you and Shawn just went down to support Topanga?

We did, but we made it on the team.

I hope you guys will come down next time we're on.

Finally someone understands my particular genius.

No, whoa, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean you're champion of the High School Quiz?

Don't they ask really tough questions?

Ha, maybe for you.

Alan, I used to watch High School Quiz Show when I was a kid.

I remember all the contestants were really smart.

Are you asking me why Cory's on this show?

Yeah.

George?

We live in a random and chaotic universe.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

MILTON: It's Knowledge Fever with the Knowledge Fever Brain Cell dancers, your humble announcer, Milton Prong and your host, Sweet Artie "K."

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Okay, then.

Welcome to the show that makes learning hip, hot, and happening.

Oahu Beach Face Savers presents Knowledge Fever. Our returning champions are in the house, so let's give it up for John Adams High School.

(CROWD CHEERING)

And the challengers, three smart kids from some other school.

(CROWD BOOING)

(SHOUTING)

And now, let's get down with the first round, and the category...

Oh, what a surprise!

"The lifeguards of Baywatch."

(BUZZING)

I haven't...

Pamela Anderson plays sexy lifeguard C.J. Parker.

(ALARM RINGING)

Sexy lifeguard C.J. Parker is correct for one million points.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And with the score John Adams High School, one million.

And their future employers zero.

Let's pause for a few words from our sponsor because that's the way the world works.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

* Covered with spots, you're lookin' real bad

* You've tried some creams, but you think you've been had

* Girls only kiss you Life is the pits

* You could be the mac If you didn't have zits

* Oahu And my mom said I watch too much television.

Yeah, well, we're showing them.

Hey, guys, what are we showing them?

I mean, we're answering questions about TV and comic book trivia.

Does it really make us feel intelligent?

It is why we are the returning champions.

Yeah.

Let's get our priorities straight.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

And we're back with round two.

So, between me and you, these John Adams kids, they're never going to lose, right?

(BUZZER BUZZING)

Ren's the dog, Stimpy's the cat, Rocko's a wallaby.

And for the bonus points, Honker Burger.

Is correct for three million points and the game.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And we'll be right back after this word from the man.

I don't understand what kind of audience they're trying to impress with this show.

Rocko's a wallaby.

It's the stuff I don't know.

Now I get it.

Cory.

Cory, just to add a little drama, before you answer, do you think you could mop your brow and scrunch up your face like you're not sure of the answer?

Yes.

Like this?

Perfect.

Okay.

Shawn, how about you flashing some of those thoughtful, pouty, sexy lips?

Thoughtful, pouty, sexy lips?

What sense does that make?

I understand exactly.

She means this.

Yeah.

Okay.

And, Topanga, let's see, let me see you tousle your hair and just flirt with that camera a little.

May I just say that I'm not really comfortable with all of this.

I mean, before we had questions that required real knowledge, and, sure, they were tough, but they made us think.

And I thought that was the whole point of the show.

Well, the point of the show is to attract an audience.

I suggest you look at your audience.

It's good to be queen.

So, Gutenberg invented the printing press making the written word available to the masses.

For the first time in history, the common man had access to the same information that used to be available only to the privileged few.

And who would you like me to make this out to, my darling?

Gentlemen!

Might I interrupt your press junket?

There's some learning going on here.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Maybe you feel it's important to learn that Gutenberg invented the printing press, but pop culture and these pouty lips have made me a star.

I'm going to try and put this as kindly as possible.

The show has turned into a circus, and you three are driving the tiny car.

Look, Mr. Feeny, I mean, I'm proud that I knew that Krusty the Clown was the son of a rabbi.

I answered a real question, Mr. Feeny, about the Tigris and the Euphrates.

Miss Lawrence, I would never deny you your moment in the sun, but Knowledge Fever no longer has much to do with the kind of knowledge I would want you to absorb.

Mr. Feeny, look, the show's proving that we're absorbing the right type of knowledge, right?

I mean, that's why we're the champions.

Hold it, hold it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Champions of what, Mr. Matthews?

Of a generation whose verbal and mathematical skills have sunk so low, when you have the highest level of technology at your fingertips?

Gutenberg's generation thirsted for a new book every six months.

Your generation gets a new web page every six seconds.

And how do you use this technology?

To b*at King Koopa and save the Princess.

Shame on you.

You deserve what you get.

(BELL RINGS)

Sit down!

Stay where you are.

For the first time, I choose to walk out on you.

MILTON: Oahu Beach Face Saver Pads presents, Huh!

That's Cool!

With the Oahu Beach dancers, yours truly Milton Prong and your stern but groovy mistress Kiki. Let's hear it for Kiki.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Aloha!

First, our challengers.

Straight-A averages, but not much of a tan.

Let them know how you feel about them from right here in Philly, it's Einstein Academy.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

And now our returning champions.

Let's have an Oahu Beach welcome for Lips, Hair, and Brainiac- .

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Here are the questions for round one.

Oh, thank you, big kahuna. Johnny Adams, "The Earth has one natural satellite.

"It's called the moon.

"A single lunar phase takes days to complete "and involves phases such as the waning gibbous and the waxing gibbous." For million points, the moon, where is it?

(INAUDIBLE)

Yeah!

(LAUGHS)

Is right for million points.

Albert Einstein, that same moon, which John John Adams so precisely located as to its exact position in the universe,

(LAUGHS)

that same moon, what does it weigh?

(INAUDIBLE)

The exact weight of the moon is quintillion tons.

I'm sure it is.

However, it's not exactly the answer we're looking for.

John Adams?

It doesn't weigh anything 'cause, well, if it did, it would fall on us.

Is right!

Yeah!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

They were right, and you were wrong, which can only mean one thing...

Audience?

ALL: Samoans!

(SAMOANS HOOTING)

* Huh! Huh!

Huh! That's Cool! *

Huh! That's Cool!

will be right back.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

* Huh! Huh!

Huh! That's Cool!

* Huh! Huh!

Huh! That's Cool!

* Huh! Huh!

Huh! That's Cool!

* Huh! Huh!

Huh! That's Cool! *

And we're out.

Hey, kids, this is Brett McInerny.

He's our sponsor.

He has some great news.

You know, because of your commitment to education, this show now reaches four times as many kids as it used to.

That's right, which means that Huh! That's Cool! is going to need even more of a commitment from you.

Oh, well, that's great.

What do we have to do?

Just miss a couple days of school.

How many days?

Six weeks.

Huh, that's cool.

Yeah, we're going to go on location in Oahu.

Columbus, Oahu?

No.

I don't think I can go.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, excuse me?

Six weeks from school?

We have finals coming up.

My grades have been suffering as it is.

Yeah, Miss Kellybacker.

You know, we're having fun and everything, but do you think we could think about it if that's okay?

Oh, yeah, you should definitely think about it.

But I also want you to think about how you have become scholastic role models for millions of kids out there.

So, let's get in the bathing suits, and let's get ready for round two, huh?

(SOFTLY)

Okay.

Mr. Feeny.

Mr. Brainiac.

I suppose it's too much to hope that you've prepared for tomorrow's class.

Gutenberg invented his printing press in and made knowledge available to the mass culture who could now communicate about shared literary experiences.

Hmm.

Please don't tell anyone I know that.

And Cory and Shawn and I have discussed it, and we think you should ask us some intelligent questions, too.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, why?

Whatever for?

So there could be some educational value on the show.

Like there used to be.

Okay.

Darling, here's some educational value.

See, no one watched the show when we asked intelligent questions.

Now they watch the show, so I think we're doing the right thing, okay?

Yeah, but don't you think we should do a smart show if so many kids watch?

This is an outrageous star demand.

Is this the thanks I get for making you famous?

Actually, nobody recognizes me without my brain head.

So, all three of you feel like this?

Shawn?

Shawn, come on.

You're a good-looking guy.

Who cares what kind of questions we ask or what you know as long as you come off looking cute, popular, and you win?

I'll have to think about that.

Okay.

You do that.

In any case, we were prepared for this.

What do you think she meant by that?

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. It's hot. It's steamy. It's Oahu Beach. And now, here's the woman that put the "O" in Oahu. Here's Kiki!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Whoo!

Alo-ha!

Let's have a Kiki- wiki welcome for our returning champions, Hair, Lips, and Brainiac- .

They're not going to be any trouble, are they?

I've already taken care of it.

And now, some very special challengers from Malibu, California.

What?

Here's Viper Jones, Surfer Girl, and Moondoggie.

(SURF MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh-oh.

Well, this is too, too dramatic.

Here we are with one final question and the score is tied at one million trillion points each.

And the question goes to Lips.

You care who wins?

(SCOFFS)

Good-looking kids versus good-looking kids.

This is good TV.

Okay, Lips, answer correctly and you win again.

Blow it and Malibu becomes the new champions and get a trillion million points.

So, for the whole enchilada.

Who invented the printing press and made the written word available to the masses for the first time in history?

(DRUMS b*ating)

We need an answer, Lips.

(BELL RINGS)

Time's up, lips.

So what's it going to be?

I don't know.

I don't really know anything.

I'm just cute and fun to watch.

Miss Lawrence.

Mr. Matthews, Mr. Hunter, you're early for my class.

Why are you early for my class?

Mr. Hunter.

Johann Gutenberg.

Gutenberg invented the printing press in .

Yes, I believe I taught you that.

Mr. Matthews.

Can you teach us something else?

It's too bad we lost.

Hey, at least we got this lovely home version of the show.

Wait a second.

Where are the dancers?

Oh, they couldn't get them into the box, honey.

Okay, I'll be Kiki.

Alo-ha!

Okay, for a zillion points, Milk, where does it come from?

(WHISPERING)

Cows?

Is right!

But not the answer we were looking for.

Boys.

A carton.

More specific.

A milk carton.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

Yeah, kids win, parents lose.

You know what that means.

ALL: Samoans!

Samoans.

(SAMOANS CHANTING)

* Boy, Boy, Boy Meets World

* Boy, Boy, Boy Meets World

* Boy, Boy, Boy Meets World,

Boy... *