05x06 - Sub Standard

[bunniefuu]

What do I do now that
my book has failed?

Who am I if not a literary genius?

Louis has his restaurant.

Evan and Emery are model students.

Oh, even Eddie is on
track to go to college.

But here I am... rudderless.

Mm-hmm. Uh, Mrs. Huang, again,

I am a school counselor for students,

students like your son Evan,

who happens to come here for therapy.

What does he have to do with this?

It is a conflict of interest for me.

I'm pretty sure the way it works is,

I tell you my problems,
not the other way around.

Okay. Uh...

you're putting a lot of
pressure on yourself.

Your next move will come.

Maybe take a break and focus
on your family for a while?

You're right.

Addressing their potential failures

will help me forget mine

and lead to my next great success.

- That is not at all what I s...
- Thank you, Mr. Tim.

You surprised me today.

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Heaven help whoever
she latches onto first.

Do I still have time
to talk about my dog?

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

If you use the term "Let me borrow... "

- [DOOR OPENS]
- "Montel" and Mentos...

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Fresh talk, fresh breath.

And a friend who's a good
friend might say, "Well... "

Hi, Louis. I feel like

you're falling behind on some things.

Uh-oh, like what?

The lawn, for starters.

I literally mowed it yesterday.

And fertilized. It's thriving.

Well, Cattleman's is a mess.

How do you figure that? We just posted

another month of profits.

We might even be able to
stop charging for bread.

- [REMOTE CLICKS]
- ... advice to borrowers...

[SIGHS] Well, you've let yourself go!

Alright, no idea what that means.

It means this belly-shelf
of yours troubles me.

♪

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

This has been nice.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Thanks for letting me stop by, Honey.

Little intense at my place.

[MARIA COOS]

Hi, Maria.

Can you wave to godfather Louis?

Eh?

No? Okay.

What an angel. [CHUCKLES]

- Marvin at work?
- Yep.

"Molar Mondays," as he's
been calling them...

often.

Can I get you anything?

A snack? Drink?

I wish I could, but it's
been brought to my attention

by the love of my life
that I've chunked out.

I totally get it.

I haven't been able to lose
the last of my baby weight,

no matter how hard I try.

How did Jessica deal with all this?

Well, she defied every
law of human physics

and snapped back to Peak
Jessica almost instantly.

- She truly is a unicorn.
- Hm.

A unicorn with a sharp
horn and lots of thoughts.

My three-month checkup is this week,

and I am dreading
stepping on that scale.

Those results go on my permanent record.

What we both need

is someone who could help get
us on a fitness routine.

Hey, we should be workout buddies.

There's this new Step Aerobics class...

I love it. I'm in. I heard
it's an amazing workout,

especially for people like
us who live in ranch houses

and don't often experience the
fat-burning power of stairs.

Mrs. Norwall's gotta be the
worst English teacher ever.

This reading syllabus of hers... awful.

I can't handle any more of
these "Canterbury Tales," man.

All my dreams take place
on horseback now.

Sometimes I'm the horse.

stories, , lines,

all in Middle English. It's too much.

Oh. What's Principal Mathis doing here?

Hello, students.

Mrs. Norwall won't be coming in today.

In fact, she will be
out for quite a while.

Did she bore herself to death
with her own reading list?

[LAUGHTER]

- She shattered her collarbone.
- Oh.

Apparently, her flag football league

plays for keeps near the goal line.

[SIGHS] Anyway, I wanted to introduce

your new substitute teacher, Mr. Grant.

This is awesome! Subs are the best.

- All they do is show movies.
- Perfect timing

'cause my mom just got us
banned from Blockbuster again.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- Everybody, listen up!
- [CONVERSATIONS STOP]

Let's get something out
of the way right now.

There will be no screwing
around in here whatsoever...

no movies, no naps, no
staring out the window

wishing you were running
through a field of barley.

This is a school.

And while I'm your teacher,
you are going to learn.

This is all very terrible.

So, everyone, please
take out your syllabus.

- [STUDENTS GRUMBLING]
- That's right.

And throw it in the trash.

Now get out of your chairs
and follow me outside

because today the world
is our classroom.

[CLAPS, CHUCKLES]

- Whoo!
- [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

♪

You think Mom saw us sneak in here?

I hope not. Without a
job to keep her busy,

- she's on us like a hawk.
- Mm.

_

_

_

[DOOR OPENS]

What are you two doing here?

- It looks like loitering...
- [SNORING]

... which is bad.

We were, uh, just about to...

refurbish Grandma's nightstand.

Is your homework done?

Our homework's always done.

[SIGHS] Perfect answer, Evan.

Carry on.

"Refurbish Grandma's nightstand"?

Why would you say that?
We're not woodworkers.

I panicked. But don't worry.

It's not like we actually have to do it.

_

_

Morning, Grandma.

Let's get this over with.

Ah! I got a splinter.

Grab some tweezers and pull it out.

No way. I can't operate on myself.

Fine. I'll do it.

Uh, I don't know.

Emery, I'm a future doctor-president,

so I'm gonna pull out that splinter.

And then years from now,

I'll pardon you for ever doubting me.

♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

I mean, I can see why
this class is so popular.

Everybody here is shredded.

One might say this is our first

big step in the right direction.

- [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
- DAX: Are you ready to push your bodies

- to the max?!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Let's step!

♪

March it out!

♪

Right foot! Touch!

Step! Touch!

Heel... digs... right... here.

Corner knee, single lunge!

Let's go now. Boom, boom, straddle.

Knees up! Knees up!

[RHYTHMIC STOMPING]

[BREATHLESS] I'm... fading.

What is this place?!

I think I'm gonna vomit. We need to go.

[GROANS]

Hey, there's no quitting in Step!

- We're sorry!
- Go to hell!

So, Jenny, I was going
over the phone bill.

- [SNORES]
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Whoa. Where are you rushing off to?

To write my English essay.

I've never seen you get home
and rush to do schoolwork.

I got a new substitute teacher today,

and I want to impress him.

[BITTERLY] Substitutes.

As if three months off isn't
enough vacation already.

He says if it's not clear you
care about your subject,

we have to write another one.

[NORMAL VOICE] Homework
and consequences?

Mr. Grant is the first teacher
who actually inspires me.

Wow!

Okay, well, what "Canterbury Tale"

did he assign you? The
one with the knight?

The British are always ramrodding
knights into everything.

That's the best part!

Mr. Grant lets us choose
our own essay topics.

- I'm doing mine on cereal.
- Cereal?

What about your syllabus?

Mr. Grant had us throw those away.

[GASPS]

[SNORING]

You can quit pretending
to be asleep, Jenny.

Your calls to the Nintendo Hotline

are no longer my concern.

_

_

[DOOR OPENS]

[SIGHS]

Excuse me, modern janitor.

Have you seen Mr. Grant?

Hi. I'm Mr. Grant.

[CHUCKLING] Oh. Oh, my mistake.

I-I didn't expect, uh...

Ha ha. I'm Eddie's mother.

- Oh.
- I know... "so young."

He's one of your students

who you're allowing to slack off.

I'm sorry, but I-I don't understand.

I know what you're up to.

All you teachers are the same.

You want the least amount of work

for the most amount of pay.

Letting the students
decide their essay topics?

You're gonna let them grade them, too?

Oh, no grades on the first draft.

- [DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS]
- No grades?

Not until they get a
sense of what I expect.

Well, I expect my son's
curriculum to be taken seriously.

That syllabus is preparing him
for his college-entry exams.

Mrs. Huang, I can assure you
Eddie is learning a lot.

You're more than welcome to stay

and absorb what we do in here.

I see your bluff...

- and I call.
- [BELL RINGS]

♪

Uh, usually observers sit in the back.

Okay.

Mom? What are you doing here?

I'm "absorbing."

Curveballs are a part of life, Eddie.

The sooner you learn to adjust to them,

the better off you'll be.

Speaking of which... curveball!

Lights out today.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "But, Mr. Grant,

oh, how are we supposed to
read and write in the dark?"

[NORMAL VOICE] By using the
original pen and paper...

your imagination.

Nope!

♪

And the curveballs continue.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GASPS] Louis,

I think I found our next fitness class.

[SIGHS] Good,

because that Step class
straight-up ruined me.

- Ugh.
- It's been a full day,

and I'm still dehydrated.

- Yeah.
- [GULPING LOUDLY]

Check this out.

It's a workout designed
specifically for new parents.

Honey, this is great. [CHUCKLES]

- Hmm.
- _

Not a lot of men in this photo.

Yes, about that... it's mostly moms.

It's... Mm, it's all moms,

but I see no reason you can't come.

I have always seen myself
as a bit of a trailblazer.

I don't wear socks to work.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[GULPING LOUDLY]

So, then he cuts the lights

and starts telling stories in the dark.

What's next? Earplugs in music class?

You started a petition last
year to cut our music program.

And now I am asking you
to cut Mr. Grant.

Kick that bum to the curb.

Mrs. Huang... [CHUCKLES]

normally when I walk
by a sub's classroom,

I hear one of two things...
screaming or snoring.

His students are actually
paying attention.

He is not going anywhere
until Mrs. Norwall returns.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Come on, Norwall!

I'm a concerned parent, and
you're needed at school!

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

[GROANS]

You've been knocking for so long.

We need you back at school
teaching your syllabus.

Your replacement isn't getting it done.

I have physical therapy twice a day,

and when I cough, I cry from pain.

Well, some people say work
is the best medicine.

Fine. I'll need a copy of your syllabus.

Printer's running low.

I'd have to drive to
the store for toner.

Thank you.

♪

Extraction time.

I need you to practice.

You can't be serious.

Once you break the skin,
there's no turning back.

You're a difficult patient.
You know that?

[SIGHS]

- [BUZZ]
- Come on.

You just basically lacerated my kidney.

- Give me those.
- [SIGHS]

There. I got it.

Oh, really?

Did you know this thing
is also a lie detector?

[BUZZING]

- How's Evan's old stroller feel, Louis?
- [CHUCKLES]

You getting that muscle memory back?

Feels good.

And thanks for agreeing to
stop at the grocery store.

This healthy cargo will
help trim my waistline

from both the outside and inside.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, everyone!

Thank you so much for
welcoming us to your group.

I'm Honey, and this is
my daughter, Maria.

- Aww!
- Aww!

I'm Louis, the godfather,

and this is my produce.

[LAUGHTER]

I am so excited to be here
and make this hour count.

God knows if I don't get Maria back home

in time for her nap...

- Oh. Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Are we gonna get started soon?

I really want to get
a sweat going today.

Of course!

We just need to sing
"The Hello Song" first.

It's a little tune to make sure

that everyone feels welcome and safe.

Ladies, time to sing "Hello"!

TOGETHER: ♪ Hello, Honey ♪

♪ Hello, Honey ♪

♪ Hello, Honey ♪

♪ It's nice to see you today ♪

Oh, well...

♪ Hello, Maria ♪

♪ Hello, Maria ♪

♪ Hello, Maria ♪

♪ It's nice to see you... ♪
♪ Hello, Bernadette ♪

- _
- ♪ Hello, Bernadette ♪

♪ It's nice to see you today ♪

Great! We have sung hello

to all the moms and their babies.

I'm... pretty sure

we sung hello to Debra
twice, but who's counting?

So, let's, uh... let's
get our exercise on!

Ooh, not so fast, Honey.

There's one guest left to go.

[CHUCKLES] I knew if I just
stayed patient, you'd sing me.

TOGETHER: ♪ Hello, Louis ♪

♪ Hello, Louis ♪

- S-S-Stop singing! Stop singing hello!
- [SINGING STOPS]

Class is half over. We haven't
taken a single strut.

This class stinks.

♪ It's nice to see me today ♪

♪

How do you have Mrs. Norwall's syllabus?

A magician never reveals her secrets.

I drove to her house.

I'm not reading any more
"Canterbury Tales," Mom.

I don't care about these boring stories.

You don't have to care.

You just need to learn them
for your college-entry exams.

Mr. Grant says the idea that

everyone must go to college
to lead a successful life

is a total myth.

Excuse me?

I'm just saying, maybe
I don't go to college.

[DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS]

Eddie, you are going to college!

Or maybe I'm not.

We don't have to decide today.

[SIGHS]

I knew it. You're sick.

I'm not sick. I feel awesome.

Oh, you're sick all right.

Sick with a case of "Mr. Grant Fever".

Symptoms include defying your mother

and talking about not going to college.

- You're staying home.
- What?

You can't keep me from going to school.

If Mr. Grant won't follow

the standard lesson plan, then I will.

You're gonna be my English teacher?

That's correct.

We'll take it one "Canterbury
Tale" at a time.

Looks like today you're
reading "The Friar's Tale."

For your essay,

maybe write about woolen cloaks.

All friars wore them, but why?

Fine, but I'm doing this in my room.

[DISH CLATTERS]

♪

You know what? This is fine.

I'll just write left-handed today.

- Oh, I see.
- [DOOR SLAMS]

You trust an oven mitt more than me.

Well, can't wait for it to help you

pick out a tux for your wedding.

_

Emery.

_

_

_

_

♪

Let's do this. I trust you.

Now we're talking. Scrubbin' in.

♪

Got it.

Thanks, Evan. I barely felt that.

Of course you didn't. I'm a pro.

♪

Eddie, open up.

It turns out I assigned
you the wrong story.

You should actually be reading
"The Franklin's Tale,"

not "The Friar's."

"Franklin's."

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Eddie?

[GASPS]

♪

A reverse-ditch!

♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey, Honey, just checking in.

Whoa.

That is a big cup of cola.

Yeah, well, I mean, what's the point?

I'll never get to exercise again.

I'm sorry Stroller
Strut didn't work out.

Oh, no, it's not even that.

I just miss all the little things

that have always made
me feel like myself.

Jogging, reading,

peeing without having a
baby staring back at me.

You just want to get
back to the old you.

- Exactly.
- Well, she's dead.

What I mean is, I've never been a mom,

but I remember how chaotic
it was after Eddie was born.

It caused a lot of my old priorities

to fall by the wayside,
but it also made room

for all sorts of great, new
ones I never expected.

- I am a way safer driver.
- [CHUCKLES]

I had to quit my Tuesday
night bowling league

because that's when Evan's
debate team competes,

and I didn't want to miss that.

That's probably how I
got this belly-shelf.

Well, bowling isn't really exercise.

It is the way we bowl.

So, yes, you might miss the "old you,"

but I think you'll find

the "new you" is awesome, too.

I guess I've spent so much time

focusing on what in my life is ending,

I really haven't thought about
everything that's beginning.

I did the same thing.

But trust me... what's
beginning is great.

- Thanks, Louis.
- You're welcome. [CHUCKLES]

Also, if I had to do it again,

I wouldn't have said you were dead.

I came in a little hot.
It was for effect.

♪

Um... yes?

Why are you trying to
destroy my son's future?

Mrs. Huang, I'm not sure
why you would say that.

- Eddie's doing great.
- Yes.

He's doing great at not
following his old lesson plan,

so when he arrives today,

I'm taking him home to teach it myself.

You know, I understand

why you want him to read those
stories and write those essays.

It's a necessary skill.

I actually was just
reading a student paper

on British culture earlier.

"It is that generational
focus on casual pleasantries

that has influenced the
way people interact

across a myriad of situations,

no matter what they may
confront in the day ahead."

See, now, that sounds pretty good.

As a former author, I would know.

Well, I'm glad you think so

because Eddie wrote this.

No. Eddie wrote his paper on cereal.

"And that concludes my theory

of how the British phrase 'Cheerio'

inspired the name of one
of my favorite cereals."

He did such a great job

because he wrote about something
he felt excited about.

And that's gonna give him
confidence come test time,

no matter the subject.

Okay, but that doesn't
explain class in the dark

or saying that college
might not be for everyone.

My goal is for students to
discover their true passion

so they don't find themselves
staring at the ceiling one day,

wondering what they're
gonna do with their lives.

You're right.

It is important to find your passion.

You're a good teacher, Mr. Grant.

I am glad Eddie is your student.

Well, I learn as much from
them as they do from me.

- Don't ruin this.
- Sorry.

[SCALE CREAKS]

So, Doc, about these few extra pounds

I can't seem to lose...

This is America. We have
a pill for this, right?

Maybe a little Fen-Phen?

You are pregnant.

Right. I was pregnant,

and now I'm asking for
a little Fen-Phen.

Is this an insurance issue?

'Cause if you don't accept my plan,

I think you'll find out
we're also covered by

"Green Shield."

Let's start over. You are pregnant.

Oh, my God. I'm pregnant.

I guess I'm gonna be the new
me for a little bit longer,

and then I'm gonna be a newer new me.

Marvin, we're having another baby!

[LAUGHING] Hot dog!

Irish twins!

As a child of Irish immigrants,

I'm not the biggest fan of that term.

Well, you should be

'cause it means your countrymen
are always having sex.

- [SQUEALS]
- [LAUGHS]

Crap. I ran too slow.

[SIGHS] You can't stop me.

I want to read my essay
to the class today.

_

You won't be needing that, Eddie.

I spoke with Mr. Grant.

I realized I'm quite
lucky he's your teacher.

I feel like this is a
trick... or a trap...

or a trick that leads me into a trap.

It's neither.

Really?

Whatever you choose to study,

I want you to be passionate about it.

No matter the subject.

And just so we're clear,

you will be going to
college, a good one.

Right, Mom. I know. Totally.

Maybe I'll major in
nutritional engineering.

- Oh, engineering!
- Yeah!

I'm thinking I could
be a cereal inventor.

And we'll keep thinking because

we don't have to decide today.

Okay. Go.

♪

So, I told Principal
Mathis that Mrs. Norwall

should keep her fragile
bones at home all year.

Her students are in great hands.

You know, it sounds like your passion

is your child's education.

In fact, maybe teaching is
something for you to explore.

Teacher? No.

I was already one of those.

- Long story.
- We can skip it.

Great, because what I want to focus on

is making sure all my kids' teachers

are up to snuff, like Mr. Grant,

which is why I have decided
to enter the world

of school administration.

Oh.

- You mean like a principal?
- Exactly.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Teacher-boss.