04x04 - It's a Plastic Pumpkin Louis Huang

[bunniefuu]

Mmm, it's a lot of mileage on it.

It's got a few dings.

Best I can do is sticker price.

Mmm. I'll just try
Joe's Pumpkins instead.

Joe gives you a bag of dead
leaves with every purchase.

Wait! I'll throw in a cut-out

of a black cat to hang in your window.

Wearing a witch's hat?

I can make that happen.

We both knew we'd get here,
but we had to dance.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Great news. I found us a family costume.

We can all be characters from
"Seinfeld."

I'll obviously be Jerry,
Jessica, you can be Elaine.

I already have a costume.

I'm Jennifer Hong.

From the novel I'm writing.

"A Case of a Kn*fe to the Brain."

Oh! Right. I knew it.

Well, I'm happy you're at least
participating in Halloween.

It's a sub-par holiday.
We all know that.

But, while you're out doing your thing,

I will enjoy a distraction-free
night to write.

I need a big surprise for chapter two,
but I'm stuck.

Well, what if you tried...

If I need civilian
help I'll let you know.

Huh. All right.

Here you go, boys.

You want me to be Newman?

I'm out, too.

It's my bad luck year,
and I can't mix that

with a superstitious holiday.

Really?

I'll wear my costume in my room, though.

Maybe you can come visit.

I'll put out some ham.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey!

I got you an amazing
George Costanza costume

and found an incredible pumpkin.

Check it out.

Ooh, I already picked up a pumpkin.

The house is low on mouthwash,

so I stopped by the grocery store

and grabbed this guy while I was there.

A plastic pumpkin?

It's more efficient.

Now you don't have to haggle every year.

Plus...

[MC HAMMER'S "ADDAMS GROOVE" PLAYS]

You rang?

♪ They do what they wanna to do ♪

♪ Say what they wanna to say ♪

♪ Live how they wanna live ♪

♪ Play how they wanna play ♪

♪ Dance how they wanna dance ♪

♪ Kick and they slap a friend ♪

- ♪ Addams Family ♪
- A perfect song.

♪ They do what the wanna do ♪

♪ Say what they wanna say ♪

S E
It's a Plastic Pumpkin Louis Huang

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Addams! ♪
♪ Too legit ♪

♪ Addams! ♪
♪ Too legit ♪

♪ Go! Go!
♪
♪ The Addams Family ♪

♪ Yo, take me to... ♪

That's enough squash music.

Eddie and Emery are
outgrowing Halloween,

but I thought I had a few
more years left with Evan.

"Efficient"... he said he bought
this because it was "efficient."

Oh, he gets that from me.

Efficiency, beauty, speedy gait.

What child says that?

Also, what child buys mouthwash
"for the house"?

Louis, don't worry.

If Evan had outgrown Halloween,

he wouldn't have bought a
pumpkin in the first place.

I guess you're right.

Hey, Evan.

Yes? Um, to be "efficient,"

we should probably go over what candy

we're handing out this year.

Now, I know what you're going to say,

but I want to include Almond Joy.

It is a good candy.

Sorry, I can't hand out candy with you.

I already have plans.

Wh...?

You know what else he gets
from me is porcelain skin.

Put it on the list.

Thank you for coming.

We need to discuss the
Sally Nelson situation.

Who's Sally Nelson?

Good God, Dave.

She's a senior on the dance team,

and she's throwing the
social event of the year.

A Halloween party?

Oh, we should totally go to this.

We weren't invited, Dave.

Our only crime? Being freshmen.

I understand discrimination, now.

Why can't they just let us live?

[SIGHS]

Guys, I know how to get us in.

- For real?
- Yes! Lead us.

All we have to do is hang out

on the stoop across from her house

wearing badass costumes, looking hard.

Sally will think we're
cool and invite us in.

Yes, my plan sucks,
but does anybody have a better one?

I guess this half-baked
garbage is our only option.

Great. We're all in.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yep.

Microwaves have come a long way,
let me tell you.

Yeah.

So, um, what plans do you have
for Halloween night, exactly?

I'm going to that adults'
party at Deidre's house.

Seriously?

Well, since Emery's sitting it out

and we're not doing our
regular couples costume,

- I figured why not?
- But if Deidre's party's for adults,

why were you invited?

The HOA.
I helped Deidre with the guest list.

Sometimes,
I think she throws these parties

just to leave Lisa out.

But the thing is,
I could really use your help

- on Halloween night.
- But I'll just get in the way.

But fun-size candy should be
handed out by fun-size hands.

But you're so good at it.

But I'm a bad
costume-guesser and I need your help.

But I already RSVP'd,
and I would feel so bad.

But adult parties are so boring.

Everyone just talks
about how tired they are

or what diet they're on,
and all you want to say

is "You should be on the 'Shut Up Diet'

where you only shut up."

You get trapped in these conversations

you don't want to be in.

Is that really how you want
to spend your Halloween night?

Carol-Joan does always ask me

for financial advice
and she never takes it.

Oh, that is just so
disrespectful of your time.

It is. It really is.

Okay, I'll hand out candy with you.

[SNAPS FINGER] Fantastic.

By the way, I heard Carol-Joan
is upside-down on her mortgage.

Mm. I know.

I mean, I didn't, but... I did.

Mm.

"You may cut my funding, Mayor Badford,"

Jennifer Hong said as
she lit her cigarillo,

"But I will not sleep until I find out

who used that Kn*fe to s*ab that brain."

Chapter one still holds up.

♪ Bow buh-bow bow bang bow-bowww ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da-da ♪

What's the deal with
impressing your wife?

You look like an ugly woman.

Happy Halloween.

Hope you get a lot of writing done.

Hope is for amateurs.

And now, the story continues.

Damn it. Why is writing so hard?

There's a...
weird sound coming from Grandma's room.

If it's a low moan that turns

into a rapid gurgle, that's normal.

I don't hear anything.

SPOOKY MALE VOICE:
I invite you to come inside.

_

Did you hear that voice?

_

That man's voice.

_

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

You heard the voice though, right?

It was probably just her yawning.

She has a very mannish yawn.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, MUSIC BLARING]

Dave... Juggalo. Badass.

Trent... death-row inmate. Badass.

Me and Walter...

Craig and Smokey from "Friday."

Badass.

Explain yourself.

I'm Prince,
and this is the one time of year

I can wear a plunging neckline.

[SIGHS] Just sit behind us, Brian.

This fool's gonna mess up
our sh*t at getting in.

[GASPS] Oh, my God! So cute!

What? Baby girl was Ariel.

I was just sharing my joy.

Don't react.

On the inside, you can be like, "Ooh,"

but on the outside, be like...

Okay. I promise I won't...

[GASPS] Oh, no!

It's a Pikachu!

Screw this. We're never gonna
get into this party anyway.

I'm gonna enjoy my Halloween.

Hey, little man. You touched my heart.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Evan, first customers!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Evan? [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, their costumes... I have no idea.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Trick or treat!

[LAUGHING] Ohh.

Oh, what a lovely, uh...

pimp and hoe?

My son is Willy Wonka
and I'm not in costume.

I'm sorry.

Happy Halloween.

[SIGHS]

He hasn't even opened
his Costanza costume.

Where is he?

He went to Deidre's.

[MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ah! Louis!

Get in here, you slut. [LAUGHS]

Hey, Deidre. Uh, have you seen...

What are you doing?
Why are you behind the bar?

It's my costume.
I'm Tom Cruise from "Cocktail."

There's a guy here dressed as
Tom Cruise from "Risky Business"

who hates the attention I'm getting.

I thought we were supposed
to hand out candy together.

Well, I thought I...

You shouldn't even be here.

This party is not age-appropriate.

Now, let's go before I get
trapped in a conversation.

Louis, hey.
Just got back from Trinidad and Tobago.

Well, that's nice. Gotta go.

Unfortunately, a vacation doesn't solve

all your problems, you know.

Sarah and I are still having issues...

We're working at being
better at communication...

Just love them both so much.

Leaving so soon?

I don't know what you're so happy about,

'cause "Days of Thunder"
Tom Cruise just walked in.

Hey

[MUSIC BLARING]

Hey, guys. You going to that party?

Eventually.

You didn't get invited.

- Hell no.
- Well, good luck.

I'm heading to my own party.

The girls' softball team is throwing it.

Girls' soccer will be there,
girls' volleyball,

the Junior Business Women League...

Can I come?

Uh...

- Sure.
- How far is this party?

It's hard to walk in these heels.

You know what's harder than that? Me.

You know what's harder than you? Me.

Don't forget about me.
I'm also still hard.

[SIGHS]

You make it look so easy,
you beautiful jerk.

I have a theory about the weird voice

we heard in Grandma's room.

Me, too. Your grandma is weird.

What?
She keeps hard-boiled eggs in her purse.

This is way more strange.

And it's Halloween night,

so there can only be one explanation.

Grandma's possessed.

See, this is why I hate Halloween.

Everyone's imagination runs wild.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] I'm serious.

My bad luck year has invited
evil into this house.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Why isn't Louis answering the
door for those candy-beggars?

Louis!

Grandma probably did something to him.

I bet he's stuck in the TV!

How could he fit in the TV?

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[OMINOUS MUSIC CHIMES]

What in the world?

Bring us Jenny.

We must have Jenny.

_

Who are these people?

_

We should follow her.

Yes, we should.

It might help me with my novel.

Mom. I need a plot twist,

and a possessed grandma
character would be perfect.

I don't feel bad.

[LAUGHS] Oh, wait.
Do it again for Louis.

Am I making you pregnant, baby?

Ha-haa. Fun. Well, goodnight.

Hey, settle a small dispute
for us about baby names.

So, my ancestors are Celtic,

and Marvin's people are from Latvia...

It's smart, it's funny,
it's scary, it's surprising...

and they k*lled off Drew Barrymore

in the first five minutes.

She was in all the commercials!

After that,
I didn't know what to expect.

I already had the yellow jumpsuit

from a "Miata Queens of Orlando" event.

Well, it was nice catching up with you.

Want to know who your
friends really are?

Start a car club with them.

All right, Evan, we finally made it.

Why are we holding hands?

I thought you wanted to
tell me a secret outside.

Get your non-alcoholic daiquiris here!

Louis! Have you heard of this
dumb new thing called Netflix?

They mail DVDs. I don't like it.

I mean, in the first five minutes.

How they gonna do Drew like that?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, snap.
It's the varsity football team.

Their costumes are their jerseys.

Damn, that's hard.

We can't look intimidated.

Stay strong, boys.

Hey, keep your chin up, man.

- It gets better.
- Yeah, kid. It's okay.

- Take it day by day, man.
- It's all right.

Come on, boys.

Are you crying?

No, man, I'm sweating.

It's hot as balls out here.

Those guys thought you were crying.

You look like you're crying.

Dave's face is undermining our hardness.

You know what? Fine. I'm out of here.

I ate too much watermelon during lunch,

so my stomach hurts anyway.

And then there were two.

I can stay here all night.

And, no, you can't have some.

Find your own energy.

[CRUNCH]

Mmm.

Here you are.

Mm. Ooh. This isn't a Manhattan.

It's a non-alcoholic Rob Roy.

Have a safe and responsible Halloween.

Boo!

I.D., please.

Hey! We're going to hand out

Halloween candy together
like we said we would.

But my shift isn't over yet!

My tips!

Why is Brian Boitano
stealing our bartender?

[LAUGHING] Oh.

You see?

Isn't this so much more
fun than that adult party?

George is getting upset!

Happy Halloween!

[AS SEINFELD] Ya heard of Pop Rocks?

Tell ya what,
if I'm the inventor of Nerds candy,

I'm pretty upset!

[AS COSTANZA] Same concept,
just added noise.

Pop Rocks are loudmouth Nerds, Jerry.

Anyway, here you go, uh...

Uh...

[WHISPERS]

Mouse Boy!

I'm The Brain,
from "Pinky and The Brain."

Oh.

[NORMAL VOICE] You purposely gave me

the wrong information
about that costume.

[NORMAL VOICE] Now you
know what it feels like

to be embarrassed in front of people.

Like when you dragged
me out of Deidre's.

Why did you even go to Deidre's?

We made a plan to hand
out candy together.

I never said I wasn't going to Deidre's.

I was just going to do a quick lap

to show my face and lost track of time.

What child does a "quick lap"
to "show his face"?

Act your age.

I could say the same thing to you.

What's that supposed to mean?

You always behave like
a child on Halloween.

If you acted more like an adult,

we could have had a
conversation about this

instead of making a scene at the party.

How was that party even fun for you?

I know I'm just ,

but I like the stock market,
classic literature, debate.

But you're just a kid.

Yes, I'm a kid,

just not the type of
kid you want me to be.

I'm putting my bar back on
and heading over to Deidre's.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

What is this place?

An old church, but before that,

a strip club.

Everything in Orlando
used to be a strip club.

[CHANTING "AAAAEEEEIIIIOOOOUUUU"]

Death.

Butcher.

Graveyard.

What is this darkness?

We saw this in "The Craft."

It's a coven.

I invite you to come inside.

That's the same voice we
heard in Grandma's room.

He must be their leader.

Let's grab Grandma and get out of here.

Sounds good. I'm right behind you.

[EXHALES] This is all gold.

Grandma.

_

Release my grandma from your coven.

_

What does that stand for?

"Evil Sorcery League"?
"Evil Spellmaking Lab"?

"English as a Second Language."

What?

But, the weird voice in your bedroom...

_

And the people at the door?

_

_

_

_

_

I don't get it.

Why didn't you tell us you
were taking this class?

_

_

_

_

[WHISPERING FAST] Damn it,
Emery, what do we do? She knows.

I do.

Is everything okay?

_

Uh, uh, uh.

In English, please.

[GIGGLES] Sorry, teacher.

Would you like to have
a hard-boiled egg?

I have some little salts!

Oh, my God. She's into him.

She is sprung.

[NORMAL VOICE] This is a love story?

There's nothing scary
about old-person love.

It's just so beautiful.

Well, goodnight.

You were right.

I act like a big goofball
around this holiday.

I didn't get to have Halloween as a kid,

so I guess I'm just
making up for lost time.

And, because you're the youngest,

I thought you'd be with
me for another few years,

but that's not who you are.

A wise pumpkin once said,

"Do what you wanna do,
say what you wanna say."

"Live how you wanna live."

"Play how you wanna play."

Thanks, Dad.

Cheers, "Bartender" Tom Cruise.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

[RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Actually, it's kind of dark outside.

Could you walk me over there?

I'd love to.

[AS COSTANZA] Hey, Jerry.
I wasn't gonna say anything,

but I noticed you, uh,

double-dropped that candy earlier.

[AS SEINFELD]
What are you talking about?

You gave that mouse kid two Almond Joys.

You double-dropped.

I like a double-drop.
What's wrong with a double-drop?

[MUSIC BLARING]

I'm surprised you lasted this long.

I thought I was gonna be
the last man standing.

Honestly, this is easy for me.

How's that?

This is who I am normally.

Most of the time I'm faking emotion.

Halloween isn't hard for me.

It's the other days of the year.

That's when I wear my mask.

I try to pick up social
cues from movies and TV,

but it's so tough for
me to fake my reactions

to you guys like I'm a normal person.

Like, you know you you see
frogs in a creek sometimes,

and you just want to hit
them with a baseball bat

to see if they'll pop?

Sucker. Frogs are my favorite.

Hey, I'm Sally. I've been watching you.

You're pretty hard.

Get in here, Red.