04x16 - Ride the Tiger

[bunniefuu]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?


[SIGHS] Wait. Who was on the phone?

Gah! [LAUGHS]


Screw it. I'm out.

I've been wanting someone
to pass me those dumplings

for half an hour,
but I don't know how to say,

"Gimme them dumps" in Mandarin.

S E
Ride the Tiger

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Happy Year of the Tiger, Dad!

Yeah, yeah, lots of luck and profits.

What the heck is this?

You know how much I love school dances.

Why didn't you tell me?

I'm sorry. I totally meant to tell you,
but I forgot.

So, this wasn't a deliberate
attempt to rob me of joy?

No. I'm happy you know,
and really excited to go.

Oh. Relief. [CHUCKLES]

So, who's your date to the dance?

I don't have one yet.

I've been waiting till Chinese New Year

to ask out this girl I
have a crush on... Celeste.

Why would you wait until New Year?

Because according to the Chinese zodiac,

it marks the official
end of my bad luck year.

This year has been brutal...
Zits on the first day of school,

girls ignoring me left and right,

rogue sprinklers attacking me outside.

I have noticed you've been wet a lot.

Plus,
my letters to the editor of TV Guide

in support of "Dharma & Greg"
didn't get printed.

I mean, it is a solid show. [CHUCKLES]

Anyway, now I can ask out Celeste

without fear of my bad
luck getting in the way.

Hey, before you do,
you want some spritzes of my CK One?

Not really.

[RINGING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

What are they doing?

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

That's me trying to call you.
Why aren't you picking up?

_

_

_

Uh... what?

[LOUIS SIGHS] [RINGING CONTINUES]

That's annoying.

[DIALING]

Hello?

Hey, Pizza Town!

I'd like to order an
extra-large Meat Lovers.

No, Marvin...

And some garlic knots and, uh...

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

Louis, why are Jessica and
Evan speaking Chinese to me?

They've challenged each other to see

who can speak Mandarin longest.

And as you know,
neither of them like to lose.

_

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[TELEPHONE RINGING]

You know what? I got to get to work.

You guys can handle this one.

[RINGING CONTINUES] Oh. Uh...

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

Hello?

Uh... yes, she is here.

Uh, y...
I'm gonna put you on speakerphone.

[TELEPHONE BEEPS] GUS: Hello, Jessica!

It's Gus and Mey-Mey,

The Gemini Award-winning co-hosts

of "Good Morning Orlando"!

[MEY-MEY GIGGLES]

Yay!

Well... "Yay" right back at ya!

[LAUGHS]

Listen, we know it's short notice,

but we would love to
have you on the show

to promote your upcoming book,

"A Case of a Kn*fe to the Brain."

Fun title!

s*ab! s*ab!

[LAUGHING] Oh, come on!

Now, we're gonna level with you, Jess.

We're also calling because
we're in serious hot water

for not doing a segment
about the Lunar New Year.

Yeah, Connie Chung called,
and she was... pissed.

Welp, it's Friday.

I gave you all week to do a
piece on the Lunar New Year,

but you didn't do it.

You failed me!

Both of you are so uninvited
to my Kentucky Derby bash.

I'm so disappointed.
I wanted you to meet Maury.

What?!

So, we cast out our diversity net,

and we found you.

[LAUGHS]

She'd be happy to do it.

- O...kay!
- Ohhhh, baby! That's wonderful!

Fantastic!

Have a lovely day!

Bye. Diversity checked.

[GASPS]

_

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_

What are you gonna do?

You can't promote your
book speaking Chinese.

_

I think you said something
about hamburgers.

[SIGHS]

Grandma,
with the red envelope you gave me,

I'm only $ shy of my goal!

_

I'm getting a subwoofer
for my future car.

Get the keys, throw out the spare tire,

and drop in a pair of s.

And this package from Big Auntie

holds the lucky money that's
gonna put me over the top.

"To Sweet Evan"...

"To Pretty Emery"...

That's weird. Mine's not in there.

Hi, Big Auntie. It's Eddie.

Uh, so, we got your New Year's package,

but you forgot to put
in my red envelope.

I didn't forget.

What?

I didn't give you one.

You and I have been in
a fight for over a year.

We have? Why?

You know what you did.

[DIAL TONE]

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

Whoa. Emery, you okay?

No.

I went to ask out Celeste.

Why didn't you talk to her?

Girls used to always approach me.

You're only supposed to have
bad luck every years,

but I guess mine's never gonna end.

You know, when I was ,

your grandma told me it was
my double-bad-luck year.

I was in a new country,
struggling with English,

earning pennies as a busboy.

I could've accepted my
destiny of bad luck,

but instead, I did something about it.

What'd you do?

I danced, son.

I entered a dance contest,
and I danced hard.

[RAPPING] ♪ I said a hip,
hop, hippie, the hippie ♪

♪ Hip hip a hop,
and you don't stop to rock it ♪

♪ Do the bang bang boogie,
say up jump the boogie ♪

♪ To the rhythm of the boogie,
the b*at ♪

♪ Now, what you hear is not a test ♪

♪ I'm rappin' to the b*at ♪

♪ And me, the groove,
and my friends ♪

♪ Are gonna try to move your feet ♪

I won that contest,

and that win snowballed into
more good things in my life.

Just like I did,
you can make your own luck.

And it starts with asking
Celeste to the dance.

That's a nice story, Dad.

I just... can't take another rejection.

[SIGHS]

♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop, ba duba dop ♪

_

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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[GASPS]

_

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_

♪ Ba du ♪

As a dentist, it's vital that
I test the New Year's candy

and take notes on what I'm up against.

Mmm. Interesting.

[CHUCKLES] EMERY: Dad!

The new TV Guide came,

and my letter to the editor was printed!

- Oh, that's amazing!
- So amazing.

I'd given up on it,
but maybe my luck is changing.

What's his secret, Lou?

I've sent letters to TV Guide for years.

Well, let's just say his
secret is having a dad

- who knows Kenny Rogers.
- What do you mean?

Emery was in need of a
dance-related confidence boost,

so I had Kenny pull some strings
and get his letter published.

I'm still not following.

I got Emery in TV Guide.

How so?

When you're done reading that rag...

The New York Times...

There's an amazing letter to the editor

about "Dharma & Greg" in this TV Guide.

"The writers of 'Dharma & Greg'
have done it again.

I can't believe Greg's
gonna run for Congress.

Emery Huang, Orlando."

LOUIS: Very insightful, Emery.

Remember what I said about
making your own luck?

This letter is just the beginning.

After breakfast,
I'm gonna go ask Celeste to the dance.

The Year of the Tiger is here,

and good things are coming my way.

Ride the tiger high and hard.

- To the moon!
- Sure.

Thank you, everyone,
for coming to tonight's meeting.

We will begin by taking a vote
on the new bylaw proposals.

And by the way...

_

Evan and Jessica.

_

_

Thank you for that
traditional Chinese response

to my well wishes.

So, Evan has introduced a bylaw
proposing that we recognize

Martin Luther King Jr.
Day as a neighborhood holiday.

_

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_

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All those in favor?

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

All those opposed?

[GROANS]

And the bylaw passes!

Oh, congratulations, everyone!

Especially all of our
African-American friends.

Who... couldn't make it today.

[SIGHS]

I can't figure out what I
did to offend Big Auntie.

Could you talk to her for me
and ask her what I did wrong?


You are? About what?


Were they?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE BEEPS] Hello?

Louis,
I need you to come down to the station.

We have Emery.

[SIGHS] Son, are you okay?
What happened?

I'm fine.

I just wanted a big
gesture to impress Celeste

before I asked her to the dance.

[DOVES COOING]

[SIREN WAILS]

But I guess Officer Killjoy over here

has never seen anyone dove-up on a lady.

I had no choice but to detain him

for having unpermitted doves.

Doves?

But walking in a mesh t*nk
top with fireworks is okay?

It's Florida.
That image was almost our state flag.

ANNOUNCER: This is "Jeopardy!"

Hey, hey, hey!

Thanks for the invite to
come by and watch "Jeopardy!"

We've never been invited over via a note

being slid under the door before.

[MARVIN CHUCKLES]

ALEX TREBEK: Used to mark a
major division in a sentence,

it shares its name

with a section of your large intestine.

What is, uh, uh...

col-col-colony?

Colon... right.

[LAUGHS] Yeah! I got it right!

Hey, hey, no cheating, you two.
[CHUCKLES]

The name of this extinct critter

comes from words meaning
"terrible lizard."

What is Godzilla?

Dinosaur... yes.

Oh, man! I'm on fire!

In ,
mainland China became a communist state

with this man as its leader.


- WOMAN: Who is Mao Zedong?
- You're right.

Unh-unh! Nope, nope. Sorry, Evan.

You have to answer in
the form of a question.

[MARVIN CHUCKLES]

[GROWLS]

Yeah. "Jeopardy!'s" a tough game, kid.

Hey, live a few years before
you take on the big boys!

[CHUCKLES]

Jessica,
are you really still doing this?

You're going on TV tomorrow.
What are you gonna do?

Emery, we need to have a serious talk...

Which is impossible while
you're wearing a mesh t*nk top.

Look, I know I encouraged you
to ride the tiger high and hard,

but this isn't what I had in mind.

I was just making my own luck,
like you told me to.

And if Bryson hadn't stopped me,

Celeste would already
be my date to the dance.

I'm happy that your confidence is back,

but you're acting like
a different person.

You're getting way too cocky.

How is Emery cocky?

You just said your name
in the third person!

[SIGHS]

Look, when I won that dance trophy,

my confidence was sky high.

I could've gotten a big
head and bragged about it

to everyone I knew, but I didn't.

I remained humble,
because that's who I am.

The Emery before your
bad-luck year was confident,

but humble, too.

I just want you to be you again.

It's been so long since
something good happened to me.

I guess I let it go to my head.

But you're right.

I can be happy with my
good luck and still be me.

Ride the tiger low and
with measured enthusiasm.

I just saw an episode of "Frasier."

They replaced Eddie the
dog with another dog.

What?

And I wrote this letter

to expose that little charade.

And you just got to use your connections

to get it into TV Guide.

Connections?

Dad,
you're the reason I got into TV Guide?

[SIGHS]

Relax your fist, Lou.

Receive my letter.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, Celeste? I'm Trent.

You don't know me,
but I'm here as an age-appropriate face

so you won't freak out.

Are you freaking out?

Uh... no?

Great.

Okay, Mr. Huang! All good!

Hi! I'm Emery's dad.

[CHUCKLES] Didn't want
you to open the door

and find a -year-old strange
man wanting to talk to you.

[CHUCKLES]

What's happening?

Relax, Celeste.

I'm your age,
so that makes all of this normal.

Uh, there's a big dance coming up.

Can you ask my son to go with you?

It would really boost his confidence.

[WHISPERING] Red alert. Red alert.

[WHISPERING] Hush.
I'm talking to Celeste.

Bogey on your six. Code blue!

Trent, please!

Dad?

What are you doing here?

I think your dad's asking
me to ask you to the dance.

What?!

I know this looks bad,
but I was just trying to help you.

I don't want your help

You're the one who said we
have to make our own luck.

But how can I do that when you're
trying to make my luck for me?

[SIGHS]

I know this didn't work out
how you hoped, Mr. Huang,

but I still expect the free
all-you-can-eat baked potato bar

you promised me.

[FAX MACHINE BEEPING]

Okay, I forged a customs form
to prove your package was denied

so Big Auntie will believe your
story about sending the seeds.

Then you'll help me figure out
why Big Auntie's mad at me?


Cool.


I'm .

Yeah, I'm loaded with cat hair.

I don't even know... I don't own a cat.

I can't believe your mom's
going through with this.

I mean, is she gonna do the
whole interview in Mandarin?

Okay, kid.
I'm just gonna mic you up real quick.

Wait. No, no, sir. I don't think
he needs to be wired for sound.

Lady, I'm just doing what I was told.

Okay. He's good to go.

Come with me.

[SIGHS] Well played.

You know who the real winner is here?

A child's love for his mother.

And the loser is you.

Okay, I don't need a translator anymore!

Let's get this kid out of here!

That looks like fun.
Buy tickets to that.

I thought you didn't speak English.

Must be a Lunar New Year miracle.

So, at the end of the interview,

I would like to address the camera

to speak directly to Connie Chung.

[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV]

I've been way out of
line the past few days.

Getting that win at the dance
contest changed my life,

and I badly wanted to
give you the same victory.

Doesn't make what you did okay.

I know.

I felt so good after the contest

because I made the choice to
go for it and make my own luck.

I should've encouraged
you to do the same thing,

instead of manipulating
things to make it happen.

I'm sorry.

This always brought me good luck.

Maybe it'll do the same for you.

_

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Guys!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

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You paid off the judge?

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I never thought of it that way.

I'm gonna tell Dad I forgive him.

_

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Hey, Celeste.

I'm sorry about yesterday with my dad.

That's okay.

Dads are weird.

Mine says "We needed it"
every time it rains.

I was wondering...

would you go to the
Spring Fling with me?

Yeah. I'd like that.

Dad!

Celeste said "yes"! The jacket worked!

Yes! I knew it! [CHUCKLES]

Ooh. Okay, now you need some
moves to go with that jacket.

Now, this is the Louis Special.

You start out like th...

No,
these aren't the right pants for this.


Boom!

So, did you ask why she
and I are in a fight?


So she blamed both of us
when the seeds didn't arrive.


Subwoofer, here I come!


What?! Why?!


[SIGHS]