01x03 - The Affair of the Avalanche Bicycle & Tyre Co. Ltd.

[bunniefuu]

In late Victorian London
lived many detectives

who were the rivals
of Sherlock Homes.

[Hooves clopping]

[Man shouting indistinctly]

Parrot!

Mrs. Chalmers arrived yet?

PARROT:
No, sir.

Well, when she comes,
you're to show her in directly.

PARROT:
Yes, sir, at once.

Ah, you got one, I see.

Well, come in.

Come in, man.
Let's have a look.

[ Exhales ]

Are you thinking of
taking up the sport, sir?

DORRINGTON:
Whatever gave you that idea?

Well, I'm told the exercise
is very beneficial, sir.

Oh, to you, Farrish, that's just
a means of taking exercise.

Well, that's the difference
between us.

To me,
that ungainly-looking object

is something on which fortunes
are made every day of the week!

Look here.

This -- or something very like
it, even its components --

bought this man his yacht,

that man his villa
in the south of France,

made this young moron
a millionaire.

Bigger fools than you, Farrish,
if such a concept's possible,

have turned these things
into racehorses, titles,

wealth beyond
the dreams of avarice.

Prospectuses come thudding in
with every post.

Why, you can't pick up
a newspaper these days

without broken columns
screaming at you.

Tires, bicycles -- I tell you,
they're the new gold rush.

But caveat emptor, Farrish,
caveat emptor.

Oh, quite, sir.

I'm not your ordinary,
gullible member of the public.

I'll see the goods, thank you,
before I'll commit.

This, now -- to read about it,

you'd think it was Mercury's
chariot, wouldn't you?

"The Avalanche Bicycle & Tyre
Company Limited proudly present

a new machine, a new champion,

a brand-new opportunity
for you."

And what's the truth, eh?

A very mundane machine,
wouldn't you say?

Apart from that
rather gaudy transfer,

I can see nothing
to distinguish it.

-[ Knock on door]
-Well?

Mrs. Chalmers.

Ah, yes.

You're handling an inquiry

from the Indestructible
Bicycle Company, aren't you?

That's right, sir, yes.

Why have I not seen your report?

Well, it's very small beer, sir.

I just didn't think you'd
want to be bothered with it.

Not for the first time,
Farrish --

nor, I daresay, the last --
you're much mistaken.

Have you delivered it
to the company yet?

FARRISH:
Not yet, sir, no.

Good. You will bring it to me
when I've seen Mrs. Chalmers,

and I shall take it round
myself. Now, out, out.

Farrish.

Sir.

I don't want my office
cluttered up with your junk.

Kindly remove it!

- Mr. Dorrington.
-Dear lady.

- Have you been able to --
-Yes, yes.

But sit down, please.

[Sighs]

It is so dreadful.

Well, pray,
don't distress yourself.

I cannot imagine how that man
got hold of my letters.

He stole them.

It's a nightmare.

- Now happily...
-You mean --

DORRINGTON:
...over.

How can I ever thank you?

To see your smile restored
is thanks enough.

CHALMERS:
How did you manage it?

I'm afraid I had to part
with money for them.

Oh.

Well, what does money matter
against my reputation?

I hate to see
a blackmailer profit,

but in the circumstances --

if my husband had found out --

Quite.

How much?

He wouldn't take
less than guineas.

I'd have paid double gladly.

- You would?
-Gladly.

Then there's the matter
of my fee.

CHALMERS:
Of course.

So, shall we say guineas,
altogether?

Will you take a check?

I shall treasure it.

Make it out "cash."

To Dorrington & Hicks?

Just Dorrington, if you please.

In a matter of such delicacy,

I deemed it best not even
to consult my partner.

You're wonderfully discreet.

One does one's best.

- There.
-Thank you.

Thank you.

Without you,

I could never have held up
my head in society again.

Ah.

I shall be indebted to you
for the rest of my life.

Think nothing of it.

Thank you.

It has been a pleasure to deal
with you, Mr. Dorrington.

Dear lady, the pleasure's mine.

Believe me.

[Door closes]

Parrot!

Cash this, and rather quickly,
would you,

just in case she finds out

that I stole those letters
from her tormentor.

You mean you didn't
buy them back?!

You're pulling faces, Parrot.

The upshot is that I've rescued
a rather stupid woman

from the consequences
of her folly,

and we're both quite happy
about it.

-[ Sighs heavily]
-Parrot.

Ask Farrish to come in,
would you?

It may require
some explanation, sir,

if you're not familiar
with the background.

Oh, good, excellent.

Come in.

And be so good
as to close the door.

So, sit down.

Calm down.

Here, have a cigar!

Oh, thank you, sir.

- I think I should --
-Shh!

Yes, well,
that seems clear enough.

Now tell me
about the background.

Well, you see, sir,
the first development --

My dear fellow,
I'm not about to embark

upon the definitive history
of the wheel.

So keep it brief
and to the point, will you?

I merely need to know enough
not to appear a total ignoramus

when I present this wholly
excellent report of yours

to the chairman of the
Indestructible Bicycle Company,

Mr. Paul Mallows.

Well, this is first-rate.

Admirable, if I may say so.

It's clear, concise,

and tells us just exactly
what we want to know.

I'm only sorry

Mr. Mallows wasn't here
to thank you in person.

DORRINGTON:
Oh, don't say that.

No, I mean, after you taking
all the trouble

of coming round here personally.

Well,
if Mr. Mallows had been in,

I shouldn't have had
the pleasure of meeting you.

Well, that's uncommonly handsome
of you.

Do you?

Oh, thank you!

I say!

That's a handsome case.

Mm, yes, yes.

It's a present from a grateful
client -- Faberge, I believe.

Ooh, he must have been grateful.

Oh, he had reason to be,
I assure you.

I don't think I've seen
this brand before.

I'd be very vexed if you had.

They're exclusively imported,
specially rolled for me.

Well, if you're going to do
things, really indulge yourself,

there's no sense in doing it
by halves.

[ Coughs

Slightly fuller leaf
than the general run of Havanas.

To your liking?

Oh, yes, indeed.
Very good.

Good. A little ostentatious
for my taste.

There it is.

You know, it's one of
the anomalies of life

that you can't get a small cigar
which will draw well.

Ralph, I --
Oh, I beg your pardon.

I thought you were alone.

I've just ripped my finger

against the handle
of my brougham door.

The screw sticks out.

Have you a piece
of sticking plaster?

Well,
here is some court plaster.

I always carry some.

It's handier than ordinary
sticking plaster.

How much do you want?

Oh, thanks, just an inch or so.

Ah.
Oh, here you go.

- There.
-Ah.

- Oh, allow me.
-Oh.

Ah.

Oh, this is Mr. Dorrington of
Messrs. Dorrington and Hicks.

Mr. Dorrington, our chairman,
Mr. Paul Mallows.

Oh, sir, I -- uh --

How do you do?

I Laughter]

There.
Quite comfortable?

Thank you, thank you.

There's a moral in it, you know?

The bicycle's the safest thing,
after all.

Dangerous things,
these broughams.

Ah, you younger men,
you younger men --

you can afford to be active.

We elders --

Can afford a brougham, huh?

Just so.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, the bicycle does it all.
A wonderful thing, the bicycle.

[ Laughing ]
Yes.

You know, Mr. Dorrington's
been kind enough

to look into that patent
business for us himself.

Indeed?

And very thoroughly,
if I may say so.

Oh, that's very good of you.

Well, it's the least I could do.

After all, at the end of the
day, a truly personal service

is all we can offer that gives
us the edge over our rivals.

Oh, well, I wouldn't put it
so bluntly,

but there's something in that.

All the same, for the senior
partner of a firm such as yours

to have taken all this trouble

over what, to you, must be
a relatively trivial matter.

If the mountain doesn't come
to Muhammad sometimes,

well, Muhammad might stop
coming to the mountain,

and then where would we be?

Quite so, Mr. Dorrington.

Well, I am extremely obliged by
your careful personal attention

to this matter of the patent,

but we may leave it
with Mr. Stedman now, I think.

In good hands, I'm sure.

Oh!

No doubt you will let us have
a note of your firm's charges?

- In due course.
-Then good day to you, sir.

And I hope soon to have
the pleasure

of doing business
with you again.

DORRINGTON:
So do I, Mr. Mallows.

Take care of that finger,
won't you?

Be careful the plaster
doesn't fray,

when washing your hands,
for instance.

Ah.
[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ]

Well...

Yes, I must be off, too.

STEDMAN:
Oh, where are you going?

I mean, I thought perhaps

we could go part of the way
together.

Well, why not accompany me?

It'll do you nothing but good,
I assure you.

I wouldn't have thought
you went in for this.

Oh, yes, in my line of country,
one needs to keep in shape.

I expect you do most of the work
in that office of yours?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Well, you don't have to.

Mr. Mallows is very highly
regarded in the trade.

Oh, I don't doubt that.

After all, yours is a very
well-established company.

Oh, rather.

Yes, we've been in the
front rank now for, oh --

getting on for years,
I suppose.

- That's quite something.
-Oh, indeed, it is.

Especially with the competition
getting stiffer every year.

Oh, believe me, I didn't mean

to criticize your founder
and chairman.

No, I merely meant that
I imagine he must be content

to be something of a figurehead
these days,

putting a good deal of
the day-to-day responsibility

onto younger heads and
shoulders, I shouldn't wonder.

Well...

Oh, come, Mr. Stedman,
your loyalty does you credit.

I like you the better for it,

but I've knocked about a bit,
you know?

I flatter myself I'm a fair
judge of man, and well.

Well, I won't pretend
I'm not flattered.

But I owe a great deal
to Mr. Mallows.

Oh, I don't doubt it.

He gave me my first job,
you know.

Really?
What did you do before?

Well...

I used to race a bit.

Of course!
I knew the name was familiar.

Oh, do you follow it?

Yes, I was very keen.
As a matter of fact, I still am.

You made quite a name
for yourself, didn't you?

Oh, well, I was never really
in the top rank.

All the same, yes,
it's coming back to me now.

It was a long time ago.

Cycle racing's
a young man's sport.

Oh, come, you're not that long
in the tooth.

Well, perhaps not.

Might have been different

if I thought I was gonna be
a world-beater.

As it was, I chucked it in,
oh, three years ago,

which is when Mr. Mallows
took me on.

I used to ride for him, you see.

And now you're secretary
of the company.

Not such a bad judge of men,
am I, after all?

Oh.

Tell me, what do you know
about the Avalanche Company?

STEDMAN:
They're going public on Monday.

Yes, making quite a splash
about it, too.

I had a copy of their prospectus
in the post this morning.

You and everyone else in town.

You don't think it's all
it's cracked up to be, perhaps?

Well, I can't say.

And of course I don't like
to knock a competitor.

But they seem to have got
a business together in no time.

And that's bad?

They want a rare lot of capital.

[Grunts lightly]

And then that prospectus --

I can't say I was very impressed

with the noble lords
who had lent their names to it.

Yeah, well,
that's just window dressing.

Yes. You'll know more about this
than I would,

but I should imagine
the technical people there

know their job.

Oh, well, I've been
in this business a long time

one way and another,

and I've never heard
of any of them before.

Is that so?

I'll tell you the thing
that surprised me --

those works in Exeter
they advertise.

Well, it's a charming place,
the cathedral especially,

and splendid fishing, too,

but I'd never thought of it as
being a hub of the cycle trade,

if you'll forgive the pun.

[ Both laugh ]

Well,
it hasn't been up till now.

So you wouldn't recommend
your friends to plunge in, eh?

Just so.

Oh, they'll get their capital,
most of it.

Almost any cycle or tire company
can get subscribed just now,

and this Avalanche affair
is both.

And well-advertised.

Well, you know.

The lads pulled up a couple
of races on their machines,

and they've been booming it
for all they're worth.

If they could screw him up
to b*at our man Gillet

and win the -mile race
on Saturday,

that'd give them a boost.

And just at the right moment,
too.

Yeah, it won't happen, though,
barring accidents.

Gillet's never been beaten
over that distance.

Lant will give him a run
for his money.

It'll be a race worth watching,
I can tell you.

I should like to see it.

Oh, well, why don't you?

Be my guest.

- Work permitting.
-Oh, of course.

- But think about it, do.
-I shall.

In fact, perhaps you'd care
to run down to our track

after dinner this evening
and watch Gillet training.

Awfully interesting with all the
pacing machinery and everything.

What a delightful idea.
Look, I'll tell you what --

why don't you have dinner
with me

and then we can both run out
there together?

STEDMAN:
Oh, no.

As you please.

Oh, it's not that.

It's just -- Well, I didn't
mean to suggest imposing on you.

Well, you didn't, did you?

Shall we say the Garrick
at about : ?

STEDMAN:
Well, if you're sure.

There, that's settled.
I look forward to it.

I say, that really is
awfully decent of you.

My pleasure.

Hey, look, here -- you mustn't
overdo this, you know,

not if you're out of practice.

No.
[ Chuckles ]

I think I'll go
and have a shower.

Splendid dinner.

Yes, not bad, as club food goes.

I was mighty impressed.

It does smack of the mausoleum
at times,

but one can't help have
an affection for the place.

[ Chuckles ]

[Hooves clopping]

You know, I really think I could
develop a taste for these.

Well, why not?

Well, I can't afford it,
for one thing.

Well, you will be able to.
I'm confident of it.

I wish I were.

Meanwhile, you must allow me
to send you a box.

Oh, dear, you must think
I'm a fearful scrounger.

- Stuff and nonsense!
-I only meant --

No, I insist.
Now, there's an end to it.

Well, that's very kind of you.

So, you don't think
the Avalanche good business

as an investment, eh?

No, no, no,
don't -- don't touch it.

There are better things than
that coming along presently.

I should like to know them.

Oh, well, perhaps I can put you
in for something,

you know, a bit later.

That's very good of you.

But don't be in a hurry.
That's my advice.

What is it exactly you don't
like about this Avalanche issue?

[Sighs]

Well, there's too much booming
being done just now.

Booming.

Yeah, all sorts of rumors,
you know,

of their having something
up their sleeve.

Mysterious hints in the papers
and all that,

as to sensational
and revolutionary developments

which they have in hand.

And they're not true?

Oh, perhaps.
Perhaps not.

[Birds chirping]

[Hooves clopping]

Ah, here we are.

- Oh, after you.
-Oh, no, after you.

Here, cabby!

Oh, let me.

Oh, it's done now.

Keep the change!

[ Chuckles ]

Those are the pacers.

Five against one, eh?

Seems a trifle unfair
on your man.

Oh, it's not a race.

You'll see how it works
when they start.

Hello!

Gentlemen,
may I introduce my guest,

Mr. Horace Dorrington
of Dorrington & Hicks?

- Good evening.
-Evening.

STEDMAN: This is Johnny Fielder,
our groundsman and trainer...

Good evening to you.

Pleased to meet you, I'm sure.

...and Robin Sparks,

the sporting correspondent
on the Gazette.

Hello, old man.

Good evening, young man.

STEDMAN: And Arthur Barratt
of the Cyclists' Union.

How do you do?

Come to see fair play, eh?

Well, there are rules
and regulations, you know.

Ha! Don't be such
a stuffed shirt, Arthur.

"Arthur," indeed.
Young pup.

Yes, he does seem to be
the embodiment of the adage

that the fact
that they'll grow out of it

is all there is to say
in favor of some youths.

I Laughter]

Where is the great Gillet?

Demonstrating the fact
that he is the great Gillet.

Yes, keeping us hanging about
here half the night.

Well, he won't be
exercising tomorrow.

Thank God.

This will be his last real spin.

He'll be resting up tomorrow
for Saturday's race.

MALLOWS:
That'll do. That'll do!

Hello.
Here comes the governor.

He doesn't often come down here
these days.

- Ah, Fielder.
-Sir.

- Arthur.
-Paul.

Now, let me see.

Mr. Sparks, isn't it,
from the Gazette?

That's right.

Still keeping an eye
on the old firm, are you?

Well, I only asked.

- Hello, my boy.
-Evening, sir.

You remember Mr. Dorrington,
don't you, sir?

Yes, indeed.

Mr. Stedman was kind enough
to invite me down

to watch your man in training.

MALLOWS:
Good.

You don't object?

Well, no, why on earth should I?

On the contrary,
I hope you find it interesting.

DORRINGTON:
Thank you.

You don't need any more
court plaster, do you?

I Laughter]

Oh, no, thank you.

It seems to be standing up
remarkably well.

Well, what are we waiting for,
hmm?

Oh, it's the usual, sir.

Oh, dear me.

Well, the man is an artist
in his own field.

I suppose we have to bear

with these occasional displays
of temperament, hmm?

Occasional?

- That's all he knows.
-Now, then. Now, then.

- Well, if you want my opinion --
-We'll ask for it.

When it comes to bitching,

the sporting fraternity
leave actresses standing.

Only, in my experience,

outdistanced by the gentlemen
of the press.

-[ Laughter]
-Thanks very much.

I say.
That was telling him.

Ah. At last.

Let's have you on your marks,
then, lads.

Well, well,
if it isn't the governor.

We don't often see you
slumming these days.

Protecting your investment,
are you?

Or couldn't you sleep?

A simple gesture of solidarity.

I tell you one thing --
I'll be in to see you on Monday,

and we'll have a little chat
about upping my retainer

when I've broken
the -mile record.

No messing about.

- Hello, Sparkie.
-Cheers.

What are you doing down here?

Come to write your story of how
I won the big race in advance?

I'll do that when I've seen you
first past the post on Saturday.

What do you think I'm gonna do,
fall off?

I Laughter]

This is Mr. Horace Dorrington,
of Dorrington & Hicks, Frank.

- Is it, now?
-How do you do?

Well, I can't hang about here,
chatting, can I?

Here, catch.

Well, let's have it, then.

[Clears throat]

Bleeding prima donna.

- Are you right, then?
-Right.

[Whistle blows]

Speed him up on the tandem!

Right! Drop back now!

Take over the lead
on the second tandem!

Change! Faster!

Change again!

Come on! You're not paid
to sit there freewheeling!

Faster!
Faster, I said!

Look at that action.

You've got to hand it to him.

Not an ounce of power
wasted there.

Did you ever see
more regular ankle work?

Did anyone ever sit a machine
quite so well?

There's not a movement
anywhere above the hips.

Oh, it's a wonderful style,
a wonderful style, really!

You see that?

- By jingo!
-Hey, fantastic!

No one can get near him!

I hate the bastard!

But he does ride like an angel.
I've got to admit that.

You think he'll win on Saturday,
then?

- Win?
-He'll waltz it!

And God help us the airs and
graces he'll treat us to then,

the swine that he is.

Come on, now!
Let's see you race!

No more doodling about!

Race, I say!

[Spectators screaming]

That's torn it!

You all right, lads?

His arm's broken -- badly, too,
or I'm a Dutchman.

That's him
out of Saturday's race.

How did it happen?

If I knew who'd done this,
I'd pulp him to bits with it.

It couldn't be an accident,
I suppose.

Accident?
Use your wits!

A man doesn't put a chair
on a track in the dark

and leave it there by accident.

Here, Fielder, lock the gates.

Then run and fetch the surgeon
while we see who's about.

Good thinking, Ralph.

Now, look, I want every corner
of these grounds searched.

- Right.
-Come on.

MALLOWS: Well, Mr. Dorrington,
you're a detective.

I will give £ gladly --
more, £ --

to anyone who will find out who
put that chair on that track.

It might have ended in m*rder.

Some wretched bookmaker,
I shouldn't wonder,

who's taken too many bets
on Gillet.

As I've said a thousand times,

betting nowadays
is the curse of all sport.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Has he said it a thousand times?

At least.

He's got a bee in his bonnet
about betting and bookmakers.

What do you think?

Well, I'm damned sure,
between you and me,

that the Avalanche people
have had a hand in this.

It stands to reason.
: : , --] : : ,
I mean, there's precious little
betting done on cycle races.

There might be a bit on the day,

but I've never heard of anyone
making a heavy book first.

Whereas the Avalanche people
are playing for high stakes.

That's right.

The -mile record's due to go.
It's fairly low.

And with Gillet out of the way,

Lant will be set-fair to win
and break it.

Which won't do them any harm
on the very eve of going public.

Can't you just see it?

I mean, here's a man who's been
in the bottom rank till now,

and, suddenly,
on one of their machines,

he not only wins
the -mile race

but breaks the world record.

It'll be worth thousands
to them,

and not just
for the first issue, either.

I don't follow you.

Well, don't you see?

With Gillet out of the way
for the rest of the season,

Lant will have the field
to himself

on anything over miles,
at any rate.

Their shares will soar.

And someone will make a pretty
profit on trading in them.

Oh, I tell you -- to me, this
whole thing's bloody suspicious.

Could you find me a lantern?

Well, I should think so.
Why'?

I'd just like to check
the scene of the crime,

now there's no one about.

After the governor's £ ,
are you?

Oh, that's not important.

But if I can do you a good turn,
who knows?

One day you may be in a position
to do me one.

Hang on a moment.

Here.

Thanks.

Oh, that's the surgeon.

How is he?

Well, no change yet.
He's beginning to come round.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Yes, it's a...

[ indistinct conversations ]

Find anything?

Nothing to speak of.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

It must have been the work
of an outsider.

What makes you think so?

Well, Arthur Barratts
above suspicion.

And Sparks?

What would he get out of doing
a thing like that?

A story.

Well, I know he's ambitious,

but you don't seriously think
he'd go to those lengths?

It's my way, Ralph --
if I may call you that --

to proceed into the probable by
way of examining the possible.

Well, I must say it strikes me
as a bit improbable.

Mm?

But everyone else in this room

is directly interested
in Gillet's welfare.

Apparently.

Well, that's that.
Compound fracture.

Our man won't be riding again
this season.

Do you remember what I said

about rewarding anyone
who could discover

the perpetrator of this outrage,
Mr. Dorrington?

DORRINGTON:
Yes, sir.

Well, I was excited at the time,
but I quite hold to it.

This is a shameful business.

DORRINGTON:
Oh, indeed it is.

I hear you've been looking
about the grounds.

Did you perhaps find anything?

Nothing very much in the way
of clues, I'm afraid,

but I'll think about it.

Oh, please do.

Nothing would give me
greater pleasure

than to pay you that reward.

I beg you not to rest
until you've found the culprit.

My hand on it.

Well, now, if you'll excuse us,

Ralph here and I have to go
and see what we can do

to stave off the effects

this outrage is likely to have
on our business.

Naturally.

- Good night.
-Good night.

Oh, I'll send those cigars over
in the morning.

- Ohh.
-No question of it.

Well, thanks again for
the dinner and everything.

Farrish! Parrot!

Where do you think
you two are off to?

I was just about to escort
Miss Parrot home, sir.

Indeed? Well, I hate to stand
in the way of cupid's dart,

but she's not going home yet
awhile.

And as for you, you're taking
the next train to Exeter.

- Exeter, sir?
-Look it up.

- Have we any bill stamps about?
-Yes, sir.

Good, I want a bill stamped

and made out in the sum
of £ , pounds,

payable to me or to my order
six months after date.

Leave the date and the name
of the signatory blank.

Quick as you can!

But the only one's
in half an hour, sir.

Then you'd best run for it,
hadn't you?

Find out all you can
about these works --

length of lease, in whose name,
state of premises and business.

Telegraph your findings to me,
poste restante,

Birmingham, main post office,

not later than : a.m.
tomorrow morning.

But the train doesn't get in
to Exeter

till : in the morning, sir.

You won't get there at all
if you stand there arguing.

Ah, good.

I suppose I couldn't ask
what all this is about.

You suppose aright.

[ Chuckles ]

You can go home now, Parrot.

Thank you, sir.

And at : tomorrow morning,

you will be outside the house
of Mr. Paul Mallows,

Upper Sandown Place.

You will follow him,

and you will telegraph your
findings to me, poste restante,

to Birmingham, main post office,

what he does
between leaving home

and, as I think he will,

catching the :
to Birmingham.

Why Birmingham?

Because that's where
I shall be...

waiting for him.

[Hooves clopping]

[Man shouting indistinctly]

Euston, cabby,

and double fare if we make
the : to Birmingham!

- You again?
-Oh, the feeling's mutual.

I will say you look more human
than you did first thing.

Oh, dear lady, the knowledge
that I've gained your approval

gladdens my heart!

Oh, get on with you.

Here's that other telegram
you was expecting.

Ah.

Good news?

The best.

Oh, I am glad.

I should like to say, dear lady,

it's been a pleasure
to make your acquaintance.

Honesty, alas, forbids it.

[Footsteps approaching]

[whirring ]

Good afternoon!

Well, sir, and who are you?

L...

lam Mr. Paul Mallows.

You may have heard of me

in connection with the
Indestructible Bicycle Company.

And who are you?

I am Mr. Maurice Marsh,
the owner of this factory.

And what may be your business?

I did think of buying shares
in this company.

I suppose there'd be
no objection

to the chairman of another
company buying shares in it?

- No.
-Of course not.

I was sure
you wouldn't think so.

Oh, and by the way,

will you have another piece
of court plaster now?

See?
I have it here for you.

Oh, come, come,
don't be frightened.

I admire your cleverness,
Mr. Mallows,

and I shall arrange everything
pleasantly.

As for the court plaster,

if you'd rather not have any,
you needn't!

Ah! You have on another piece
now, in any case, I see.

What do you want?

Man alive,
I'm not gonna cut your throat!

But first I want my reward.

What reward?

The £ you promised

if I discovered who placed
that chair on the track.

Well, I have done!

But how?
I mean, who?

"Who"?
Oh, come!

Don't let's waste time.
Yourself, of course.

Damn it, sir, how dare you?

I can't abide bluster.
£ , please.

I'm not to be bounced like this!

What proof do you have?

Suppose I have none.

Suppose I merely publish abroad

that you, Mr. Paul Mallows,
alias Marsh --

Oh, and I like that, too.

Marsh, Mallows -- that's good!

I like a man
with a sense of humor.

Suppose I publish abroad

the fact that you are
the moving spirit

behind this shoddy adventure.

Well, if you put it like that --

Oh, as it happens,
I have ample proof.

The fact is, Mr. Mallows,

you are much too clumsy
with your fingers.

You tear your finger
opening your brougham door,

you borrow a piece
of court plaster from me,

and you're careless enough
to let a thread of it

get carried away
by a nut on that chair

which you pitched
onto the track!

Still, I suppose
you must have been nervous.

- See here.
-Hmm?

I found it last night.

Now will you give me that £ ?

Well, uh, then I must,
I suppose.

[ Laughs

Oh, so much for that.

Though I must say
you're not paying

with all the pleasure
and delight

which you spoke of at the time.

- But I'll forgive you.
-Here.

There, that little hors cf oeuvre
is disposed of.

Now let's proceed to business.

Oh, my dear chap, don't look
so ashamed of yourself.

You were merely disposed for
a side flutter, weren't you?

Well, that's nothing to be
ashamed of.

Everybody does that.

And there's a great deal
of money going.

Precisely,
and since everybody does it

and there's a great deal
of money going,

then you're entitled
to your share, aren't you?

Well...

Well, of course you are, and
I'm exactly of the same mind.

So we're evidently a pair

and naturally intended
for one another.

But I want you to understand

that I have gone every step
of the way by fair work.

First, the thread.

On the strength of that,

I sent my long-suffering
assistant, Farrish, to Exeter,

where, he tells me,

your works consist of
a deserted cloth mills

with nothing on it of yours
but a signboard

and only a deposit on rent paid.

Next, my other assistant
wires me a report

of your makeup adventure
this morning.

Clarkson does it
wonderfully well, doesn't he?

You see, the telegram
which brought you here

was not from your confederate
as perhaps you fancied.

I took the liberty
of summoning you here myself.

What for?

DORRINGTON: Well, business,
strictly business.

- What else?
-State it.

Oh, I shall.
I shall.

Never fear. You'll find me
frank to the last.

It would appear that you intend
to offer the public

the very rottenest bicycle
company that ever existed.

You hire a professional cyclist.

You go to really
rather extreme lengths

to ensure that he becomes
a champion on the machine,

which, no doubt, you had
specially made by another firm.

Ah!
The Indestructible, perhaps!

[ Chuckles ]

While for ordinary sales,
I imagine you buy in bulk --

so much a hundred --

and jolly them up with this
rather arresting transfer

and hope to sell them
at a fat profit when Lant,

on the very eve of going public,
wins the -mile race.

And by the time they fall
to bits, you've skipped,

leaving a few dummies

and the wretched shareholders
to stand the racket,

if there is one,

while you, greatly enriched,
remain unsuspected,

a man of account in the trade
all the time.

Isn't that about the size of it?

Well, yes, that was the notion,
since you speak so plainly.

And it shall be the notion.

Oh, everything shall be exactly
as you planned,

with one exception,

which is you'll now divide
your plunder with me.

You? But -- But I've only
just given you £ !

Oh, come, Mr. Mallows,
don't be vulgar.

We're not talking in hundreds
now, but thousands,

and not one, either,
but several.

This is blackmail!

There's a word I don't care for.

MALLOWS:
Well, isn't it?

You admit to having planned
a scandalous robbery.

Well, yes, more or less.

If I refrain from exposing it,

I shall be promoting it,
shall I not?

Well,
I suppose you could say that.

Very well, then.
I want paying for it.

Ohh, that's circular logic.

Have you no moral sense?

Can I shut my eyes and allow
your iniquity to go on unchecked

without getting anything in
the way of damages for myself?

Perish the thought!

How much?

We are to be respectable
brothers in rascality.

- Well, if you say so.
-Oh, I insist.

So, we shall divide as brothers
fairly.

- What do you call fairly?
-Half and half.

- What?
-I shall want a guarantee.

I have a bill at six months
for £ , .

All it requires
is your signature.

Over my dead body!

If necessary.

When a satisfactory division
has been reached,

you can have the bill back.

I won't even charge you
for the stamp.

Half is out of the question.

Oh, I do hope not...
for your sake.

But after all the trouble
and worry and risk I've had --

Look, I've only to raise
a finger for that

to put you in jail.

But, hang it, be reasonable!

I'm being extremely reasonable!

Ohh, you're a mighty clever man,

and you've got me on the hip,
as I admit!

Oh, my patience, while great,
is not inexhaustible.

Say %.

Oh, come, you're wasting time!

You can have half or nothing
and go to jail into the bargain.

Choose.

- Just consider --
-Choose.

Really, I want that money
more than you think!

For the last time, choose!

[ Grumbling ]

If I must, I must, I suppose.

But I warn you.
You may regret it.

Oh, you just sign there,

and I'll do my best
not to be pessimistic.

There. That's done.

You've won, fair and square.

Oh.

I won't grumble anymore.

Now, since we're brothers
in rascality, as you put it,

perhaps you'd care to make
a fraternal tour of the works.

Hmm?
[ Chuckles ]

There's not a lot to it.

And you've already worked out

the basic operation
for yourself.

Ah!
Yeah, but this does represent

quite a considerable
capital investment.

-It's an oven.
-Ah!

You see,
the frames and various parts

hang on those racks up there,
where the enamel is laid on.

And then all these gas jets --
Do you see? -- are lighted,

to harden it by heat.

Well, now it's half yours, you
might take a bit of interest.

Look, the gas jets, yeah?

Ohh! Let me out!

MALLOWS:
I warned you!

I warned you
you might regret it!

[Gas hissing]

Well, how long do you think
it'll be now

before I get that bill back, eh?

Between the gas
and the lack of oxygen,

I'd say a matter of minutes,
wouldn't you?

Unless, of course, you light
a match and blow yourself up.

That's your choice.

You're very quiet
all of a sudden.

Or are you reviewing
your past life,

as they say a drowning man does?

[ Chuckles ]

Or are you already unconscious?

[ Coughing

[ Gasping

Try to k*ll me, would you?

Try to drown me in gas,
would you?

Well, I'll tell you!

I've drowned men in water
for less, much less!

No, please!

There's no more honor
between thieves now!

- Mercy!
-"Mercy," is it?

I'll give you mercy!

You shall have
anything you want!

Oh, it's too late for that now.

By the time I've done with you,

I shall drag you out of here,
and I shall proclaim you!

And I'll present that bill!

You'll rue the day
you tried to best me!

You see if you don't!

Aah!

[Gas hissing]

Stop there, unless you
want to blow us both up!

Is this another one
of your tricks?

It's the gas, Dorrington.
Don't you see?

If -- If it reaches the --
the light from that lamp...

[Breathing heavily]

You have a point there.

And so...it's stalemate,
do you see?

LS it?

- Here, catch!
-Aah!

Why, Mr. Dorrington,
whatever happened to your face?!

If I told you,
you wouldn't believe me.

Well, what's the matter
with you two?

Haven't you got enough work?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, well,
we were just discussing

this Avalanche business, sir,
you see?

It's all over the papers.

The expl*si*n, sir.

The issue of shares withdrawn.

Their man, Lant,
booed off the track.

And poor Mr. Mallows...k*lled.

[Clicks tongue]

Still, it does mean a step up
for Mr. Stedman, doesn't it?

FARRISH:
So the rumor goes, sir, yes.

Which reminds me. I promised
I'd send him a box of my cigars.

Run it over to him, would you,
with my compliments.

In fact, on second thought,

perhaps two boxes
would be more appropriate.

At once, sir.

Oh, well,
if there's nothing else, sir.

Ah, yes.
File this, would you, Parrot?

- But Mr. Mallows --
-Just do as you're told.

Who knows?

We may think about presenting it

when we see
how Mr. Mallows' estate cuts up.

Yes, sir.

[Knock on door]

There's a Lady Jameson
to see you, sir.

Oh, she won't say
what it's about,

but apparently Mrs. Chalmers
recommended you to her.

Well, don't just stand there!

Show her in!
Show her in at once!

Mr. Dorrington.

Lady Jameson,
this is indeed a pleasure,

a privilege and a pleasure.

Thank you, Parrot.

Now...

Kitty Chalmers
spoke highly of you.

Another charming lady.

Allow me to have your cape.

Will you sit down?
Please.

Will you take
a glass of Madeira?

Yes.

Uh, no!

[ Sighs ]
I don't know.

A rare old Sercial,

recommended
by no less an authority

than Dr. Banting himself.

The merest thimbleful,
in that case.

Thank you.

How to begin?

Well, let's see
if I can help you.

Have we perhaps been
the least bit indiscreet.

It's all over and done with.

Oh, just so, yes,

and now some blackguard is
threatening to rake up the past.

Alas, yes, but how did you --

How very unfortunate for you.

But don't worry.

I have a good deal of experience
in these matters.

In fact, I think I can say,
with all due modesty,

you couldn't have put yourself
in better hands.