01x24 - Mummenschanz

[bunniefuu]

It's The Muppet Show,

with our special guest stars,
the Mummenschanz.

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey. 30 days has September,
April, June and my cousin Fred,

who'll be out on Wednesday.

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you...

The Mummenschanz.

♪ But now
let's get things started

♪ on the most sensational
inspirational,

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

(blows)

(applause)

Thank you, thank you,

and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

And a rather unusual one
we have planned,

because our
special guest stars

are the unique masked
theater group from Switzerland

known as the Mummenschanz.

But right now
let's get things started

with Floyd, Scooter and the g*ng
and "Mr. Bass Man."

(♪ "Mr. Bass Man"
by Johnny Cymbal)

♪ ...ba ba-ba ba
ba-ba ba-ba ba

♪ Ba ba-ba ba
ba-ba ba-ba ba

♪ Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba-ba ba
boom boom boom boom...

♪ Hey, Mr. Bass Man

♪ You've got
that certain something

♪ Hey, Mr. Bass Man

♪ You set that music
thumping

♪ To you it's easy

♪ When you go, "1, 2, 3,
ba-ba ba-ba ba"?

♪ You mean, ba-ba ba
ba-ba ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba

♪ Yeah! Hey, Mr. Bass Man

♪ You're on all the songs
with a ba-ba ba-ba boom boom

♪ And a ba-ba ba-ba
boom-boom bom-bom

♪ Hey, Mr. Bass Man

♪ You're the hidden king
of rock 'n' roll

♪ Ba-ba ba-ba ba?
♪ No, no, ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba

♪ Oh... Well, it don't
mean a thing when the leader's singing

♪ Or when he goes,
"Ai yi yi yi-yi-yi-yi"

♪ Hey, Mr. Bass Man

♪ I'm askin'
just one thing

♪ Will you
please teach me

♪ Yeah, the way you sing?
'Cause, Mr. Bass Man

♪ I wanna be a bass man, too,
ba-ba ba-ba ba? ♪ Like this

♪ Ba-ba ba ba ba
ba ba-ba ba ba ba

♪ Boom boom boom boom
ba-ba-ba-boom boom boom boom

♪ Now you
♪ Boom-boom-boom boom ba-boom

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom
boom boom ba-ba-boom

♪ With me
♪ Boom boom boom

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom
boom boom boom

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom
ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom

♪ Ba-ba-boom boom
boom boom boom boom boom boom

♪ Well, it don't
mean a thing when the leader's singing

♪ Or when he goes,
"Ai yi yi yi-yi-yi-yi"

♪ Hey, Mr. Bass Man

♪ I think
I'm really with it

♪ Hey,
Mr. Boom Ba-Boom Ba-Boom

♪ With a dit-dit da-dit
da-dit dit-dit

♪ Come on, Mr. Bass Man

♪ Now I'm a bass man, too,
de-de de-de ba ba ba?

♪ Ba-ba ba ba-ba a
ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba

♪ Boom boom boom boom

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom
boom boom

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom
boom boom ♪ You got it

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom
boom boom

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom
boom boom

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom
boom boom

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom
ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom

♪ Ba-ba-boom-boom-
boom-boom boom ♪ Cha ♪

Genius! Genius!
Author! Author!

A work of art!
Brilliant.

What was that about?
It was about... minute and a half.

Hello?
Is this Dial-A-Joke?

♪ Fish got to swim
Wha...?

♪ Bird got to fly

♪ I've got to love
one frog till I die ♪

Hmm.

What is this?

"My dearest Piggy,

"You must know
how much I love you.

"I cannot pretend
any longer.

"I will wait for you
in the dressing room, mon cher."

(gasps) It has happened.

Oh, my Kermit has admitted
his love for me at last,

and now he waits within.

Oh, come to my arms,
my passionflower.

I'm here, my love.

Kissy-kissy.

Aah!

Our special guest,
the Mummenschanz,

is a group of performers who...

well, they're kind of
distant cousins to the Muppets.

They use a unique mixture
of pantomime and masks

that's about as difficult
to describe as to pronounce.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Mummenschanz.

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

Fantastic. Incredible.
They remind me of puppets.

Puppets. I've always
hated puppets.

You're a traitor
to your class.

What class?
I never even graduated.

♪ She kissed me

♪ She put her arms
around me and she kissed me ♪

It was a case
of mistaken identity.

Hug me, Miss Piggy.
Hold me!

I will not hug you,
you twit turkey!

Hold my hand,
pig of my dreams.

Will you b*at it, twerp?

Just touch me,
oh hog of my heart!

Here's a touch for you,
wimp buzzard.

I'm ready!

Hiyah!

♪ She touched me

♪ She swung her porky pinkies
and she touched me ♪

Ohh!

Ah-choo!

(tapping)

Shh!
Shh!

(coughs)

(rustles)

(chewing gum)

(tapping)

Ah-choo!

(Piggy coughing
and sneezing)

(Fozzie tapping faster)

(noises stop)

(chews)

(rustles)

(tap tap)

(chews)

(cough cough)

(blows twice)

(chews)

(tap tap)

(rustles)

(chews)

(blows twice)

(cough cough)
(tapping)

(♪ "Blue Danube Waltz"
by Johann Strauss Jr)

(all) Shh!

The Mummenschanz do some
very strange-looking things,

things that look like this.

And then there's something
that goes like this.

And how about this one?

(♪ tea dance music)

(sighs) How long we been
goin' together, anyway?

Oh, about ten years.
Well, it's time we got married.

Oh, gee, it's so sudden.

There is
such riffraff here.

Wouldn't you rather
be associated with a better class of people?

Yeah, but you were
the only one not dancing.

(laughing)

Animal,
my watch won't run.

Ah. Here.
I run it for you.

Aah!
Aah! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey, you are one cute tomato,
my little dumpling,

my little cupcake,
my little lamb chop.

Oh, that makes me feel
so... so...

Amorous? Let's kiss.
No, hungry. Let's eat.

Yeah, you know, these jokes
they give us each week,

you know, they make me so mad
I could blow my top.

Me too.
Ladies first.

(echoes) Ahh.
I feel better now.

(♪ "When I'm Not Near
the Fish I Love")

♪ Oh, my heart
is b*ating wildly

♪ And it's because you're here

♪ When I'm not near
the fish I love

♪ I love the fish I'm near

♪ Every fin
that flutters by me

♪ Is a flame
that must be fanned

♪ When I can't fondle
the fin that I'm fond of

♪ I fondle the fin at hand

♪ I love every flipper

♪ Of each little kipper

♪ For each one is hipper,
my dear

♪ When I'm not near
the fish I love

♪ I love the fish I'm near

Hello there.

Hey. Boopa doopa do.

♪ For herring I'm caring

♪ For tuna I swoon-a

♪ I'm faithful
to whoever's here

♪ When I'm not near
the fish I love

♪ I love the fish I'm near

Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-choo!

Statler.
Oh, OK.

(blows)

Thank you.
All right.

Well, this is
the part of the show

where I usually spend
a few moments talking to the guest stars,

but in this case,
the Mummenschanz don't talk, do you?

Yeah? Oh, well, in that case,
say something.

I mean, say anything.
It doesn't have to be important.

You can say something silly.

Ask for silly, you get silly.

Does anybody have anything
important to say?

Yeah?

And with that thought,

we bid goodbye to the talk spot
for another week.

Bravo! Bravo!
What are you "bravo-ing" about?

That performance -
it was first rate.

Yes, it was good,

but only one act
I've ever seen deserved a "Bravo."

Really? Who was that?

Lady Beth Macintosh
and her singing parakeets.

I'll never forget
her closing night at the Palace.

What happened?

Well, she fell into
a box of birdseed

just before going onstage,

and she was pecked to death
by the parakeets.

That's a hard act to follow.

Yeah, well, I was there
and I cried.

Really? What did you cry?
Bravo! Bravo!

Here she comes.
Get down. Get down.

Hiya, Piggy my dear.

Did you call me
"my dear," Kermit? Indeed I did.

I was just wondering if
you'd like to go to dinner after the show.

What?

Yeah, you know,
a quiet candlelit meal

with soft music,
perhaps some wine... Ohh. Ohh.

...and then go dancing
and walk by the river in the moonlight.

Ohh! I would love
those things, my dear.

Good. So would Gonzo here,

and I hope the two of you
have a great evening.

Kissy-kissy?

I'm gonna cut you in half
for this, frog!

It is my distinct pleasure
at this time

to present Wayne and Wanda,

of whom noted
composer and conductor Leonard Bernstein wrote -

"These two are a manifestation
of the musical mediocrity

that passes for talent
in our troubled times."

Hmm. Nice review.
I like that.

(♪ "It's Only a Paper Moon" by
EY Harburg and Harold Arlen)

♪ Say, it's only a paper moon

♪ Hanging over a... ♪
Whoa! Aah!

(groans)

(mumbles)

Hello.
I am Vendaface.

Simply insert coin
in slot,

step up to machine

and I will rearrange
your looks.

Well, all right.

Phase one.

(creaking noises)

(mumbles)
Is this good?

Oh, Kermit, that was
a low and dirty trick,

setting up a date
with me and Gonzo, wasn't it?

Well, Piggy,
I suppose it was, yeah.

I'm sorry.
Oh, really?

How sweet of you
to apologize so abjectly

to your lover pig.

Well, it wasn't exactly
an abject apology.

Get away from me,
you jive geek!

Kermit, now that you've
begged for my forgiveness...

Don't touch me, freak!

...why don't we just
kissy-poo and make up, my darling?

You're breathing on me!

Kissy-kissy?
Well, Piggy,

while I appreciate
this offer of affection,

I hope you'll understand
when I tell you, as usual,

that I do not want you.

Then, can I have her?

Hiyah!

That is known as
"getting two turkeys with one chop."

Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline - Moscow.

Sergei Lenovsky,
whom the Russians claim

is the world's
oldest living human,

celebrated his 196th birthday
yesterday

by taking a deep breath.

Sergei has 96 children,
150 grandchildren

and 228 great-grandchildren,

none of whom visit him.

Said his youngest son Leonid,

"He smells funny."

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Mummenschanz.

Well, that's about
all the time we have.

Oh, Kermit, my love,

I am so sorry about
my little temper tantrum.

Old buzzard beak
was driving me crazy.

You drive me crazy,
Miss Piggy.

You know something,
nasty nose?

I'm going to send you
on a one-way trip to the geek farm!

Send me!

(crash)

Pig power!

Well, the course of true love
never runs smooth,

but right now
let's have a warm thank-you to our special guest stars

Andres Bossard,
Floriana Frassetto and Bernie Schurch,

better known
as the Mummenschanz.

(both) Thank you, Kermit.
Thanks, Kermit.

(all) It's been great.

Say, you guys really do
work as a team.

We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show!

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

That was a funny show.
Yes, it was.

I wonder
if they meant it that way.

(bum note)