02x19 - Peter Sellers

[bunniefuu]

Peter Sellers, 1 5 seconds
to curtain, Mr Sellers, Gonzo?

Fifteen seconds? I
should live so long,

It's The Muppet Show, with our
speciaI guest star, Mr Peter Sellers,

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

It's time to get things started on
the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call The Muppet Show

Thief,

Welcome, welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, tonight's guest star is one of
the great film stars of the world,

He is the epitome of the
witty, urbane Englishman,

So, naturally, we've asked him to
play a demented gypsy violinist,

Listen, I run the show
and I don't understand it,

Anyhow, here he is now, ladies
and gentlemen, Mr Peter Sellers,

It is I, Boris,

With his sobbing violin,

We have got any requests?

Yes, but you gonna play anyway,

Such unkindness is
to break the heart?

A gypsy's heart is yearning

A gypsy's blood is churning

A gypsy's brain is learning

A gypsy's roast is burning

There are tears on the strings

Of a gypsy's violin

And tears fall on
the bow as he cries

Poor, poor gypsy

Now I cannot play

Until my violin dries

So

Play zigeuner Play, play, play

Leave all your sorrows be forgotten

Play zigeuner Play, play, play

Even though your
playing may be rotten

Who said that?
Something's rotten here,

Not me, not me, Boris,
- You say some rotten things here,

Oh, the gypsy's heart is aching

And the gypsy's heart is sad

As he dances to the
b*ating tambourines

Once his love gave
him golden earrings

And now his ears are turning green

So

Play zigeuner Play, play, play

Play with all your
delicate precision

Play zigeuner Play, play, play

Soon you'll be
replaced by television

Play, play, play, play

Play, gypsy, play
Play, play, play, play

Play, gypsy, play
Play, play, play, play

Play, gypsy, play
Play, play, play, play

Play, play, play

Listen, any more talk
like that and I will play,

Play, gypsy

Play

I love good gypsy music,

So?
- So, I wish they'd play some,

Quiet, quiet, quiet backstage!

Backstage is quiet!

Next time I think I'm going to
schedule a nice, quiet Gregorian chant,

Gangway! CanceI my
motorcycle act, Kermit!

Gonzo!

What a day this has been,

If this keeps up, I'm gonna
wind up talking to myself,

My, my, Another scientific
breakthrough for Muppet Labs,

Bunsen Honeydew, what do you
mean sneaking up on me like that?

Something's going on here,

I've been shouted at,
run down by a motorcycle,

and now I'm...
- Hey, Kermit?

You're talking to yourself,

Thank goodness we got
a quiet song coming up,

When the whippoorwill
is singing in the forest

That's a whippoorwill right there,

When the little brook
is murmuring a tune

When the mockingbird is
chirping in the wild wood

And a lonely wolf is
howling at the moon

When the leaves of the old
oak tree start a-rustling

And a waterfall makes
sounds like woman's tears

When the whole world is filled

With Mother Nature's noises

That's the time to
stuff cotton in your ears

You never know when something
funny is gonna happen on this show,

Did something funny happen?
- Yeah,

You'd never know it,

Rowlf, that was supposed
to be a nice, quiet number,

Beaker!

Beaker?! What is it with
you guys from the lab?

First Bunsen and now you! What
are you guys trying to do to us?!

Hey, Kermit?
- What is it?

Now you're shouting at yourself,

Tell John Brown we are
ready to receive him,

Peter, what is this?

It was to have been, my dear Kermit,

it was to have been
a grand impersonation

of her late Majesty, Queen Victoria,

whilst on vacation at Bognor
Regis in the year 1 888,

But what went wrong?

I couldn't remember
what she looked like,

I just love all your
wild characters, Peter,

But backstage here, you can
just relax and be yourself,

But that, you see, my dear Kermit,

would be altogether impossible,
I could never be myself,

Never yourself?
- No,

You see, there is no
me, I do not exist,

I beg your pardon?

Yes?
- There used to be a me,

But I had it surgically removed,

Can we change the subject?

Oh, certainly, certainly,

As a matter of fact,

you might just be interested in a
new act I have recently perfected,

Well, what is it?

Well, it's originaI, it's originaI,
- Yeah?

I recite the soliloquy from
Shakespeare's Richard the Third,

whilst, and at the same time,

playing tuned chickens,

So, you recite the soliloquy from
Shakespeare's Richard the Third,

whilst, and at the same
time, playing tuned chickens?

You have it, my dear,
Kermit, You have it,

Tuned chickens, once
more into the bridge,

And now, is the winter
of our discontent...

...made glorious summer...

...by this sun of York.

And all the clouds...

...that lour'd upon our house...

...in the deep bosom
of the ocean buried.

Thank you,

They did fine,

That is really...
- I enjoy a good ticking,

That act is really wonderfuI,

But you can't do that on our show,
- Why ever not?

Because Gonzo just
did it last month,

It d*ed, Peter,

It was terrible, I mean,
they've got no taste around here,

But you're absolutely
right, my dear Gonzo,

They have no taste at all,

Where did he go?

That's been happening all day
around here, I don't know why,

But if people or objects suddenly
appear or disappear, try to ignore them,

CanceI that last remark!

Run!
- I have a pressing appointment!

Oh, thank goodness
he got away in time,

Unlike some people around here,

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

...my foot is stuck,

And now, ladies and gentlemen...
Who chews gum around here?

The Great Gonzo also sings and...

Here he is to sing an old
favourite, Down Memory Lane.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo,

One,

Seventy-two,

Seventy-three,

Somebody call for a masseur?

Oh, yes, Doc, good,

Well, I'm just here to try to...

...loosen up your
knotty little body, yes?

Go ahead, Doc,
- I shall start here,

How does that feeI?

You like that?

Oh, yeah,
- Good,

Well, the next thing I must do

is to test out the elasticity
of the tendons in the leg areas,

By the use of the simple thing...

Yes,

I'm sure I didn't miss
you, I'm a very good sh*t,

Tell me, Link, if you can feeI that
the flab is moving, How is that?

How is that?

And again is on this one here,

Dr De Ericlever is
pleased, you know,

Very unusuaI feeling,

Link, I'm going to try
both of them in this,

How is that? FeeI that?
- Yeah,

Doing you good, Linky?

Yay, I caught it,

Link, let me see if it
has done what I need,

Oh, yes,

Yes, yes,

Yes, I think also...

Yes, this is necessary, Are you
prepared for a bit of manipulation here?

I'm going to easily
bring this leg around...

...up!

You did not feeI that, Link?
- Oh, no,

Your muscles are in good condition,
- Oh, yeah,

I can tell a good muscle
when I feeI one, Link,

And this one will have
to close our other side!

That is leaving your arms
free at the moment, you know,

Oh, yeah,

But, is necessary
when in this position,

for the vertebras and the
deltoids, you understand,

to bring this arm here
and the other arm there,

And putting this here like this,

Wait, Link, you've
got my arm in here,

Let go of me, Link,

Let go of my arm, Link,

Thank you, Link,

I can see you like to
keep it when you've got it,

Why don't I put that here?

Is that my foot?

Linky, how do you feeI?

Yes, well, very different, Doc,

All that blood is circulating
nicely on your body,

Good, I can see that you are in
reaI good condition now, Link,

Same time next week,

Doc?

Doc?

Help!

Help!

Help!
- Was that supposed to end that way?

I don't think so,

Go check the next act, please,
- Yes, sir,

Kermit, take it easy, Come on, now,

Kermit, that's the best
massage I've ever had,

That Peter O'Toole is good,

Hey! Peter O'Toole? Link!

What is this? I think
I'm going crazy today!

Kermit! Oh, Kermit!

Kermit! Oh, no! The
next act just cancelled,

What? But that was a terrific act,

It was Prunella and
her Prancing Poultry,

Yeah... Kermit, see,
about that poultry...

...yesterday duck
hunting season began,

I don't want to hear about it, I
will go and explain to the audience,

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't
know how to tell you this,

frankly, the next act can't make it,

They're otherwise engaged with a
lot of orange sauce, I'm afraid,

Anyhow, I don't have
anything to replace it,

Oh, boy,

You may have noticed that we're not
terribly well organised around here,

and tonight I'm just barely
making it, I don't know...

...sometimes it's very difficult,

It's not easy being green

Having to spend each day
the colour of the leaves

When I think it could be nicer

Being red or yellow or gold

Or something much more
colourful like that

It's not easy bein' green

It seems you blend in with
so many other ordinary things

And people tend to pass you over

'Cause you're not standing out
like flashy sparkles in the water

Or stars in the sky

But green's the colour of spring

And green can be
cool and friendly-like

And green can be big like a mountain

Or important like a river

Or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be

It could make you wonder why

But why wonder

Why wonder

I'm green and it'll do fine

It's beautifuI,

And I think it's what I want to be

Welcome again to Muppet Labs where
the future is being made today,

Well, I am just
bubbly with excitement,

We have just been testing
our new Muppet Labs teleporter

and it works perfectly,

You see, a teleporter is a device
which instantly transports people

from one place to another,

So that's what's
been happening here,

You have been zapping people
in and out of my theatre!

I'm in the midst of a very
important demonstration,

Yeah? Listen, I'm in the
midst of a nervous breakdown,

You cannot go zapping
people around...

As I was saying, our new
teleporter works perfectly,

A few minutes ago, I
sent my assistant, Beaker,

hurtling through space to
the deepest jungles of Africa,

And now we will bring him back,

Beaker, put that gorilla back!

You don't know where he's been,

There,

Back to Africa they go, And
now just Beaker will return,

This has got to stop, Dr Honeydew!

That's all today from Muppet Labs,

You bet that's all!

I am gonna make this introduction,

Ladies and gentlemen...
- Now is the winter of our discontent,

Peter! You're supposed to be in
your costume for your next number,

I beg your pardon,
- Wait, By the way...

Yes?
- The show is running a bit long,

So try to be short,
- Short? Yes,

How about this?

He takes things so literally,

Ladies and gentlemen, I
take pride in presenting

the incredible Peter Sellers!

A preachment, dear friends,
you're about to receive,

on John Barleycorn, nicotine
and the temptations of Eve,

Yay!
- Let's hear it,

You will, brother, you will,

Melodies, please,

I believe, I'll give it up!

Same temptation,
- Somebody get that bum outta here,

Hallelujah, brother,

OK, that's about it for
this show but, before we go,

let us have a warm thank you
for our speciaI guest star,

ladies and gentlemen,
Mr Peter Sellers!

Thank you very much, indeed,

Well, there you are,

Were,

Am,

This is too much for me, We'll see
you next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, what did you think?

Yeah, I know what you...