[knocking on door]
Pearl Bailey! Pearl Bailey!
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Bailey!
I'll be there, honey, as soon
as somebody calls off these oysters.
- Pearl!
- Come back to us, Pearl!
- Back! Back! Heel! Heel!
- [groaning]
Oh, clam up!
Oh, this
is a strange place...
[drum roll]
It's The Muppet Show with our
very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.
Yay!
♪ It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right ♪
♪ It's time
to get things started ♪
♪ Why don't you
get things started? ♪
Everybody on stage!
Everybody is on stage.
♪ It's time
to get things started ♪
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show! ♪
I'm not even gonna try it.
[clear note sounds]
- [applause]
- Thank you, thank you.
Welcome, again, to The Muppet
Show. I can't tell you what a kick I get
when I think of all of you
out there watching us.
You know, it sends a chill
right up my spine.
Whoo!
Uh... There it was,
right there.
As a matter of fact,
here comes another one.
Whoo! [chuckles]
Uh, uh, uh... That one is for
our very special guest star.
She is one of the most wonderful
stars of the whole entertainment world,
and she told me just before
the show that her Papa was a preacher,
which is a wonderful reason
for doing the following number.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Pearl Bailey!
[♪ My Soul is a Witness]
♪ My soul is a witness ♪
♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ My soul is a witness ♪
♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ Yes, it is ♪
[chorus humming]
♪ God's love will do for you ♪
♪ He will always
see you through ♪
♪ 'Cause my soul is a witness ♪
♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ Yes, it is ♪
[up-tempo b*at plays]
♪ My life is a testimony ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ My life is a testimony ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ Someone needs to hear ♪
♪ God's love is always near ♪
♪ And my life is a testimony ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Oh, my life is an example ♪
- [chorus clapping]
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ My life is an example ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
♪ Someone
Someone should see ♪
♪ What God's love
has done for me ♪
♪ 'Cause my life
is an example ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Yes, it is ♪
- ♪ Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord ♪
- ♪ A... ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ ...men ♪
- Well, how'd you like that?
- I don't know, I'll ask the avocado.
- Well, what'd you think?
- Ooh, loved it, loved it, loved it.
That's amazing!
No, it's not. He's been
a Pearl Bailey fan for years.
OK, nice number,
nice number.
- Get on stage Bunsen...
- Oh, wow, Kermit.
Like I really don't believe this
weird trip you're putting us on.
What's that, Janice?
The band tonight just flashed
on the closing number.
- The band just flashed?
- Hmm-mmm.
I mean,
you know, Kermit...
Sometimes I just don't know
what space you're coming from.
Well, it's just a sort of
a regular, backstage space.
Oh, really, Kermit.
You don't expect us to do that
jousting number from Camelot?
Um, well,
in a word... Yes!
Eww.
Oh, Kermit, Floyd has something
to say on that. Honey, you tell him.
[groaning]
- Oh, my little green friend.
- Huh?
You have much indeed
to learn about today's slang.
How do you mean, Floyd?
Well, when I said I wanted
to get into something heavy for the final number...
- Mmm-hmm...
- ...Sir knight of the Iron wasn't it.
[wailing] Look out!
- [clattering]
- [moaning]
Fractured flipper.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Tinker, tinker, fiddle...
Oh! [clears throat]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,
where the future
is being made, today.
Well, I've got some news here
to tickle your fancy.
Because here they are friends,
the answer to your prayers.
Muppets All-New
Edible Paper Clips.
Now, the honor of tasting this
first batch of delicious paper clips goes,
of course, to my helpful
and eager assistant, Beaker.
- Uh-huh. Uh...
- Oh, Beaker, what is the matter?
Oh, that's very naughty, Beaker.
Now you eat these clips this minute!
- Go on, eat.
- [sighs]
They're not so bad,
go ahead.
- Hmm!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm!
- Yes!
Good. Yes, friends,
Muppets Edible Paper Clips
are delicious, nutritious
and nickel-plated.
They're handy around the office,
and they're wonderful as a TV snack.
Furthermore, they are
absolutely harmless.
[shrieking]
Or nearly so.
Poor fellow lost his nose.
- Hmm. How will he smell
without it? - Same as always...
[both] Terrible!
Dr. Honeydew,
is Beaker all right?
Oh, he'll be fine. I'll just
go invent some nose glue.
- Come on, Beaker.
- [moaning]
Yeah, but, hey, I'm talking
about serious, Kermit.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I mean, why cast me?
This knight business
is a actor's gig.
- Yeah.
- I am a musician, remember?
Well, Floyd, I wanted you
to play the knight because you fit the part.
You're the only one of us
with real gallantry.
The only one of us
with real honor.
The only one of us
who'd fit in that iron suit.
[stuttering] Scooter, I needed
that like I need a broken leg!
Oh, you need a broken leg?
I'll fall on you again.
No, no, no.
Floyd, no, no. Now, listen,
this is a great chance for you.
Besides, in the same jousting
scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.
- Who is the Black Knight?
- Well, that 's part of the fun.
You see,
no one will know!
It's kept a complete
and absolute mystery.
Hmm...
The world will forever wonder
who I am.
Though some
may harbor suspicions.
- [crashing]
- [squawking]
Here is a Muppet news flash.
An expl*si*n has just taken
place at the Smithfield hat factory.
Reports say that hats
are falling all over the... Oh!
- All right.
- Listen, Floyd,
I sure am glad you
got out of that iron suit, man.
Oh, yeah.
That was a stone drag.
Oh, it had to be,
but I'm telling you,
you're lookin' good now
with the purple threads.
Oh, yeah.
My main squeeze gave me this.
Oh, you are clever.
- Listen, come here a minute.
- Hmm?
- I wanna ask you a question.
- Yeah?
Do the rest of the musicians,
do they know you in here?
- Hmm... No, uh-huh.
- Well, crazy, listen.
What if you and me, see,
or you and I, either one.
What if we did
a little number together?
And then, if we went over,
who knows, we could take over the whole thing.
- Pearlie May...
- Huh?
- Nothing would please me more.
- I thought it would!
[♪ In the Good Old Summertime]
- [scatting]
- You jump right into it, man!
Let me jump in there
with you.
- ♪ In the good old
summertime ♪ - All right!
- ♪ In the good old
summertime ♪ - [humming]
♪ Strolling down
that shady lane ♪
- ♪ With my baby mine ♪
- All right.
Listen...
♪ I'll take his hand
then he'll take mine ♪
- ♪ And, Floyd,
that's a good, good sign ♪ - Yeah.
♪ Then, naturally,
I will be his tootsie-wootsie ♪
♪ In the good old summertime ♪
Go by yourself, man!
- [humming along]
- Yeah!
Heat it up!
Watch this.
♪ Strollin' down
that shady lane, yeah! ♪
♪ With my baby mine, yeah! ♪
♪ Darlin',
you are growing old ♪
Oh, now, hold that, baby.
- Just kidding, only kidding.
- Ha, ha, ha.
♪ But I will be
the toot tootsie-wootsie ♪
♪ In the good old sun ♪
♪ Come on, let's go together
in the good old summertime ♪
- ♪ Summertime ♪
- ♪ In the good old summertime ♪
♪ Let me tell you a story ♪
♪ Strolling down
the shady lane with my ♪
♪ Walking, talking,
grooving with my baby ♪
♪ I'm gonna take his hand
he'll take mine ♪
♪ Watch it, honey Let me get
this whole thing together ♪
♪ I will be the tootsie
tootsie-wootsie ♪
- ♪ In the good... ♪
- ♪ In the good old summertime ♪
♪ In the good old summertime ♪
♪ I'll be your tootsie-wootsie
in the good old summer, summertime ♪
♪ Summertime ♪
Yeah! Whoo!
[indistinct chattering]
[♪ Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee
(An Actor's Life for Me)]
♪ Hi-diddle-dee-dee
An actor's life for me ♪
♪ A high silk hat
and a silver cane ♪
♪ A watch of gold
with a diamond chain ♪
♪ Hi-diddle-dee-doo
You sleep till after two ♪
♪ You promenade
with a big cigar ♪
♪ You tour the world
in a private car ♪
♪ You dine on chicken
and caviar ♪
♪ An actor's life for me! ♪
- Aah...
- OK, what happens now?
Oh, now
comes the funny part.
Well, leaving the stage is
funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
OK, OK. Now, now, ask me what
I'm carrying the fish for.
Oh, Fozzie. What are you
carrying the fish for?
Oh, just for the halibut.
You were better off
leaving the stage.
Aah!
♪ Hi-diddle-dee-dee
An actor's life for me ♪
♪ A high silk hat
and a silver cane ♪
♪ A watch of gold
with a diamond chain ♪
♪ Hi-diddle-dee-doo
You sleep till after two ♪
Hey, Fozzie,
this number needs help.
No, it doesn't,
it needs scenery!
Oh, wonderful scenery,
but is it funny?
OK, now. Now ask me
what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Oh, Fozzie, what are you
carrying the hoop for?
Ah, because Statler and Waldorf
are always saying the show is hoopless.
- Just for the halibut.
- Keep trying.
♪ Hi-diddle-dee-dee
An actor's life for me ♪
♪ A high silk hat
and a silver cane ♪
♪ A watch of gold
with a diamond chain ♪
♪ Hi-diddle-dee-doo
You sleep till after two ♪
♪ You promenade
with a big cigar ♪
♪ You tour the world
in a private car ♪
♪ You dine on chicken
and caviar ♪
♪ An actor's life for me! ♪
[both] ♪ An actor's life for ♪
♪ Me! ♪
[applause and cheering]
[announcer]
And now, Pigs in Space.
When we last left the
Swinetrek, it was hopelessly lost in outer space.
[Link] Hmmm...
If the timeless endlessness
of eternal
space is about that big.
And then our spaceship
is down here...
...possibly or...
[Miss Piggy] Excuse me, Link,
what's in the corner there?
Uh, that's a duckie.
We need to go
in this direction up here,
or possibly over...
Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, we're lost!
Lost in space.
Why won't he admit it?
- Just give me time.
- Oh!
I got lost once before
and I found my way out.
Lost in the outer galaxies,
Link?
No, in a phone booth.
Hmm...
This pencil is delicious.
There is no time
for that now.
We must either find out
our position, or we will perish.
Oh! Oh,
which is it to be, Link?
Prunes.
Prunes?
- Hmm...
- Prunes was not a choice!
This is
a pencil-shaped prune.
[computer printer rattling]
Wait.
I see by the readout here,
that we are passing through
a field of deadly Snacka Waves.
[all gasp]
- [both] Snacka Waves?
- Ya, ya.
At this very moment, they are
tuning everything aboard this ship into food.
My prune pencil.
Ridiculous.
Including this readout,
which is now a frozen chicken dinner for two.
[moaning in pleasure]
Oh, it's delicious.
- Aah!
- [gasps]
- Oh, what happened?
- What does it look like?
Chocolate layer cake.
Aha! Dessert!
Desert? Don't you dare desert!
[chuckles]
[laughs]
Look at old cabbage head.
It's a cauliflower.
- [slurping noises]
- Shh. Listen.
The crew have started
to eat the ship.
I find that a bit hard
to swallow.
The crew is eating the ship?
Are you going bananas?
No...
...scallions.
Oh, what are we going to do
with a half-eaten spacecraft?
Have it cold
for sandwiches tomorrow?
[announcer] Be sure to tune in
next week for Pigs on Toast.
OK, stagies, you can
strike that spaceship.
Oh, Kermie! Kermie!
Why, Piggy,
you've never looked better.
You're skatin'
on thin ice, frog.
- Yeah.
- Makeup! Makeup!
OK.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief,
are we in trouble.
- What now?
- You know how you're planning
to do the jousting scene
from Camelot?
Of course.
That's the show's big finale.
Well, the people that published
the music from Camelot
just called and they
won't let you do it.
What?! I was
willing to give them credit.
I would've given them
a big build up.
I would have given anything
to do the jousting scene.
They want money.
Cancel the jousting scene!
Gee whiz, chief, I thought
you said we had 14.95 in the cash box.
Yeah, well I spent 13.50
on the suits of armor.
- What are we going to do?
- What can we do?
- There's only one thing to do!
- What's that?
- Whatever comes next.
- Oh.
[downtempo jazz plays]
Are you a real professor?
Of course.
I hold the Chair of Philosophy.
- Oh? Where's that?
- Right here.
You seem to have
a lot on your mind.
Oh, yeah. I've got a wife
and child to support.
Say... Are we poisonous?
- I don't know. Why?
- Oh, nothing, really. I...
I just bit my tongue.
[armor clanking]
Oh,wow. They're not too light
on their feet.
Ow! Not to light on mine,
either.
- Ah!
- Whoa!
[clattering]
Ooh, terrific!
terrific, wonderful!
Say, is your friend, the Avocado
here, some kind of professional critic?
- Nah. He's just unemployed.
- You should go to work.
- Try to make something
of yourself. - Oh, like what?
Guacamole!
Men,
this is a command decision.
We're going to have
to cancel the joust.
- Bummer.
- What?!
- It'll be fun! It'll be snazzy!
- It'll be dumb.
- Oh, really?
- Hey, no, dig on it.
For once old Green Stuff
speaketh the truth.
- No, Kermit.
- I am sorry to have to do this...
- What?
- ...but my career is at stake,
- now you move.
- Ow!
Yes, yes, move, I'll take care
of it. Move, Kermit, yes, move!
Hey, tell me,
just between the two of us,
do you really think
this will work?
No. Isn't it terrific?
- Come on,
just introduce us, OK? - OK, OK, OK, OK.
- OK.
- OK.
Ladies and gentlemen, we were
planning to do the jousting scene
from Camelot, but I do think
we should cancel this, but...
[stammering] But there's been
a very pointed argument against canceling.
Good work, Gonzo.
So, anyhow,
wish us luck, folks,
because here is our special
guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey
and the Muppet Players in what
almost might, sort of, kind of
be considered the
jousting scene from Camelot.
[applause and cheering]
[fanfare playing]
[♪ Ascot Gavotte]
♪ Every duke and earl
and peer is here ♪
♪ Everyone who should be here
is here ♪
♪ What a smashing
positively dashing spectacle ♪
♪ We're here to see today ♪
And now, may I present Her Royal
Majesty, Queen Guinevere,
who will welcome you,
officially, to our annual joust.
[♪ Hello, Dolly]
♪ Hello, fellas ♪
♪ Well, hello, fellas ♪
♪ It's so nice to be
back home where I belong ♪
♪ You're looking swell,
fellas ♪
♪ I can tell, fellas ♪
♪ You're still crowin'
You're still growin' ♪
♪ You're still going strong ♪
- ♪ I feel this room swayin' ♪
- [harmonizing]
♪ While the band's playin' ♪
♪ One of my old favorite songs
from way back when ♪
♪ Oooh! ♪
♪ Golly gee, fellas ♪
♪ Find me a vacant knee,
fellas ♪
♪ Pearlie will never go away ♪
♪ Pearlie will never go away ♪
♪ Pearlie will never go away
again ♪
[applause and cheering]
Thank you, Your Majesty.
And now to introduce
the contestants for this year's joust!
[fanfare]
[♪ Fugue for Tin Horns]
♪ I got the horse right here
His name is Paul Revere ♪
♪ And here's a guy who says
if the weather's clear ♪
♪ Can do, can do ♪
♪ This guy says
the horse can do ♪
♪ I got a horse right here
Belongs to Guinevere ♪
♪ And I say this horse can do ♪
♪ Can do, can do? ♪
[♪ Anything You Can Do]
♪ Anything you can do,
I can do better ♪
♪ I can do anything
better than you ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, he can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, he can, yes, he can! ♪
♪ Anything you can be
I can be greater ♪
♪ I can be anything
greater than you ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, he can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, he can, yes, he can! ♪
[♪ A Boy Like That]
♪ A boy like that
who'd k*ll your brother ♪
♪ Forget that boy
and find another ♪
♪ One of your own kind
Stick to your own kind ♪
You know, Rowlf, this don't make
any sense at all.
I know, Pearl,
but we're stuck with it.
Let the joust begin!
[fanfare playing]
Thank you! [laughs]
[indistinct chattering]
[all shouting]
- Whoa!
- [chattering excitedly]
Hey, you guys
all right down there?
Oh, oh... I'm not sure.
How do we look?
[♪ Everything's
Coming Up Roses]
♪ You look swell
You look great ♪
♪ Gonna have the whole world
on the plate! ♪
♪ Starting here,
starting now, honey ♪
♪ Everything's coming up
roses and daffodils ♪
♪ Everything's coming up ♪
♪ Sunshine and Santa Claus ♪
♪ Everything's
coming up roses for me ♪
♪ And for you ♪
[cheering]
OK. Well,
there went another Muppet Show,
this one a little more
mixed-up than usual.
Mixed-up is not the word.
No, twisted is the word.
Listen, guys, I'll get you
a pair of tin snips in a minute.
As soon as I say,
let us have a warm thank you
to our very special guest star,
Miss Pearl Bailey. Yey!
[applause]
- You know something?
- Hmm?
I can get those guys out
of that suit of armor. I'm an expert at it.
Really? Did you used
to be a costumer?
No. I was a welder.
[screaming]
Not sure I want to watch this.
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Will you move?
Let the crew work, will you?
The lady's trying to work.
- I didn't like it.
- What'd the avocado think?
It's the pits!
03x05 - Pearl Bailey
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.