03x22 - Roy Rogers & Dale Evans

[bunniefuu]

[knock on door]

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans,

15 seconds to curtain,
Roy and Dale.

Thank you, Scooter.

Scooter, what's this
target doing here?

Oh, well, we thought you'd feel
more at home on the range.

[m*ssile approaching]

It's The Muppet Show

with our very special
guest stars,

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

Yeah!

[♪ Muppet Show theme]

♪ It's time to
play the music ♪

♪ It's time to
light the light ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to
put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to
dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to
get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you
get things started ♪

- Are these seats taken?
- No! Take 'em!

♪ It's time to get
things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational,
Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call
The Muppet Show ♪

[horse whinnies]

Yahoo and howdy.

And welcome
to the Muppet cowboy show,

with tonight's stars,
Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

It's not only my hat
that's a tribute to the wild wooly West.

There's also my
wild wooly vest.

- Those your jokes?
- Yes, sir.

Well, get 'em off my land
before you scare the horses.

Yes, sir. We're just about
to do the opening number.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the opening number.

♪ Blue sky smiling at me ♪

♪ Nothin' but blue skies
do I see ♪

- ♪ Bluebirds ♪
- ♪ Singing a song ♪

- ♪ Nothin' but bluebirds ♪
- ♪ All day long ♪

- ♪ Never saw the sun ♪
- ♪ Shinin' so bright ♪

- ♪ Never saw things ♪
- ♪ Going so right ♪

♪ Noticing the days
hurrying by ♪

♪ When you're in love,
my, how they fly ♪

- ♪ Blue ♪
- ♪ Days ♪

- ♪ All of them ♪
- ♪ Gone ♪

- ♪ Gone ♪
- ♪ Gone ♪

- ♪ Nothing but ♪
- ♪ Blue ♪

- ♪ Skies ♪
- ♪ From ♪

- ♪ Now ♪
- ♪ On ♪

[scatting to tune]

♪ Blue days ♪

♪ All of them gone ♪

♪ Nothin' but blue skies
from now on ♪

♪ And on and on
and blue skies ♪

♪ From now ♪

[scatting]

How'd you like that song
by those prairie dogs?

There's a number
I could go-fer.

- [laughing]
- Gopher!

Prairie dog!

OK, nice number, prairie dogs.
Nice number.

I liked what I saw
and I liked what I heard.

Speaking of herd, boss,
look what just showed up.

Hey, who's responsible
for these crummy cows?

Some fella by the name of Rogers
ordered 'em, shorty.

Well, Rogers, Roy.
Well, uh...

The little darlings
are always welcome.

Roy said he wanted
something special for the closing number.

Speaking of that, I have to
introduce his opening number.

Oh, yeah.

Kermit, what the...?

What are these cows here for?

Well, they're apparently
for Roy and Dale's closing number.

[laughing]

Say, what are they singing,
Catch a Falling Steer?

Or If Heifer
I Should Leave You?

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

I can take the cows
but not the cow jokes.

What about the Moooo River?

Ha ha!

It's not often that things
get any better around here.

So, brace yourselves
for thing to get grand

right now, because
ladies and gentlemen,

here he is, the king of
the cowboys, Roy Rogers!

This is a story about one
of the roughest, toughest,

meanest buckin' horses
that ever jumped out of a chute,

by the name of old
Skyball Paint.

♪ Now, old Skyball Paint
was the devil's saint ♪

♪ His eyes were a fiery red ♪

♪ Good men have tried
this horse to ride ♪

♪ But shucks,
all of them are dead ♪

♪ Now, I won't brag
but boy, I rode that nag ♪

♪ Till his blood
began to boil ♪

♪ Then I hit the ground ♪

♪ And ate three pound
of good old Texas soil ♪

♪ Singing hi-ho
whoopee ti yo ♪

♪ Ride him high and down you go
Sons of the western soil ♪

♪ Singing hi-ho
whoopee ti yo ♪

♪ Ride him high and down you go
Sons of the western soil ♪

[yodeling]

[continues yodeling]

[Muppets vocalizing]

♪ I swore by heck
I'd break his neck ♪

♪ For the jolt
he gave my pride ♪

♪ I threw my noose
on an old cayuse ♪

♪ And once more took a ride ♪

♪ He turned around
and soon I found ♪

♪ His head where his tail
should be ♪

♪ I says, said I,
perhaps he's shy ♪

♪ Or he just don't
care for me ♪

♪ Singing hi-ho
whoopee ti yo ♪

♪ Ride him high and down you go
Sons of the western soil ♪

♪ Singing hi-ho
whoopee ti yo ♪

♪ Ride him high and down you go
Sons of the western soil ♪

[Rogers yodeling]

[continues yodeling]

[Muppets vocalizing]

[yodeling]

♪ In town one day
I chanced to stray ♪

♪ Upon old Sheriff Jim ♪

♪ For a hoot and a holler
and a counterfeit dollar ♪

♪ I sold that nag to him ♪

♪ But when he plants
the seat of his pants ♪

♪ in Sky Ball s leather chair ♪

♪ I ll bet four bits
when Sky Ball quits ♪

♪ Old Jim will not be there ♪

♪ Singing hi-ho
whoopee ti yo ♪

♪ Ride him high and down you go
Sons of the western soil ♪

♪ Singing hi-ho
whoopee ti yo ♪

♪ Ride him high
and down you go ♪

♪ Sons of the western soil ♪

[yodeling]

[continues yodeling]

[lower tempo yodeling]

♪ Sons of the western soil ♪

That Roy Rogers
is one good singer.

Yep, but if he does any
of those rope tricks, I'm leaving.

Whoa!

- [crashing]
- Bye.

[laughing]

Move it out, Bossie,
move it out.

Hey, Link, what are you doing
hanging out backstage?

Those nasty cowboys threw me
out of my dressing room.

No kidding.

They just barged in.

Well, tell them
to move it out.

Get tough with them,
Linky, babe.

I tried.

Howdy, sports fans,

and welcome to the Wild World
of Muppet Sports.

And you're just in time
for the deciding throw

in the horseshoe pitch.

As usual, I'm here on the spot.

Ahh!

Oh! [laughs]

I forgot to take the horseshoes
off the horse.

[laughing]

[continues laughing]

Let's put this show
out of its misery.

[laughing]

Ladies and gentlemen,

not only is the king
of cowboys with us,

but his lady is with us, too.
Here she is, Miss Dale Evans.

Now, we're rehearsed,
aren't we?

OK, do you think
you can remember where to come in?

You can, of course you can.

Come in on the b*at of the music
clapping with me.

OK, let's begin.

All right.

♪ The stars at night
are big and bright ♪

♪ Deep in the heart
of Texas ♪

♪ The prairie sky
is wide and high ♪

♪ Deep in the heart
of Texas ♪

Well, you're not exactly
the sons of the pioneers,

but you get the rhythm.

♪ The sage in bloom
is like perfume ♪

♪ Deep in the heart
of Texas ♪

♪ It reminds me of
the one I love ♪

♪ Deep in the heart
of Texas ♪

You know, children,
that's just great.

Let's do this again,
but let's change it, OK?

Suppose instead of clapping,

we make a sound like
what I'm singing about.

You think you can do that?

We'll start first
with a coyote.

What's a coyote?

Well, kind of like a dog.

You'll hear it.
Now, listen real carefully.

♪ The coyote's wail
along the trail ♪

- [howling]
- ♪ Deep in the heart of Texas ♪

♪ The horses all neigh
and they munch their hay ♪

- [neighing]
- ♪ Deep in the heart of Texas ♪

Listen.

♪ The cowboys cry
ki-yipee-yipee-yi-yi! ♪

- Yip-yip-yeah!
- ♪ Deep in the heart of Texas ♪

♪ The doggies bawl
and bawl and bawl ♪

- [crying loudly]
- I didn't mean you to bawl, dear.

Oh, honey, no.
No, no, like this.

Ahh. Like that.

No, no, OK.
Aw, you're so cute.

Honestly, I'd just love
to adopt every one of you

and take you home with me
to Texas.

What's a Texas?

What's a Texas! Well!

- ♪ Deep in the heart ♪
- ♪ Deep in the heart ♪

- ♪ Deep in the heart ♪
- ♪ Deep in the heart ♪

♪ Deep in the heart
of Texas ♪

You know, Tex,
I love the life out here.

Oh, yes, I love the desert
and I love the mountains.

Mm. Yep. But most of all,
I love these horses.

[mooing]

♪ A four-legged friend
A four-legged friend ♪

♪ He'll never let you down
Let you down ♪

♪ He's honest and faithful
right up till the end ♪

♪ That wonderful
one, two, three, four-legged friend ♪

Whoa. Whoa, now.

Whoa, there.

You know, I thought
we'd be there by now.

Yeah, but remember we had
to stop and water these horses.

That's right.
Then we had to stop and milk 'em.

[mooing]

Something about this life
don't seem right.

Whoa, whoa, easy.

♪ A four-legged friend
A four-legged friend ♪

♪ He'll never let you down
Let you down ♪

♪ He's honest and faithful
Right up to the end ♪

♪ That wonderful
one, two, three, four-legged friend ♪

Hold up. Easy, boy.

Hey, look at this,
trick riding!

Yep, say, that's pretty good.

How about this?

Speak, Bossie.

[mooing]

- We'd be lost without
these horses. - Oh, I'll say, we would.

I wonder why they
call us cowboys.

♪ A four-legged friend
A four-legged friend ♪

♪ He'll never let you down
Let you down ♪

♪ He's honest and faithful
right up to the end ♪

♪ That wonderful
one, two, three, four-legged friend ♪

- Ho!
- Bossie, come on.

Hey!

[man] And now, ridding
the world of evil,

here comes Bear on Patrol.

[door opens]

Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff!

Oh, no!
Sheriff, Sheriff.

b*ll*ts Barker is back in town
and he is a-gunning for you.

- No!
- Yes!

You know, I have
some sick leave coming.

I think I might just...

[g*nshots]

Sheriff, this here's
b*ll*ts Barker.

I'm a-gonna count to three.

If you're not out by then,
I'm a-coming in to...

...get you.

- Oh, hide!
- One...

- In the closet. No, over here.
- ...two...

- Under the desk!
- ...three!

- Hi!
- All right.

- Where is he?
- Ahh.

Uh, outside.
Can't miss him.

I don't plan to...

...miss him.

Oh, that was
very, very good.

Very good. Terrific.

Oh, boy. Uh...

Well, look, I think
I'm just gonna sit down here

and wait till the sheriff
comes... back.

- Would you like some
tea, cookies... - Shut up.

Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir, yes.

Looks like he left
his g*n here.

Huh. He never goes anyplace
without his g*n.

- What?
- Ha! Oh!

I'm so sorry, sir, I...

What was that?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

So, he must still be...

...here.

Uh, no, no.

Uh, he is not here.

I should've knowed it.
Open that door.

Yes, sir.

I'm coming in to
get you, Sheriff.

Ah-ha!

I did it! I did it!
Sir, he's gone.

I did it. He's up there.
He's locked up and it's OK.

Ahh. Ohh.
Who cares about that?

If I can't use this hand anymore
my sheriff days are over.

- Hand me my piece.
- Yes, sir.

Not that one.

Ha. I haven't lost it.

I'm still the fastest stamp
in the west.

♪ Froggie went a-courtin'
and he did ride ♪

♪ A sword and a p*stol
by his side ♪

- ♪ Mm-hmm ♪
- ♪ Mm-hmm ♪

- ♪ Mm-hmm ♪
- ♪ Mm-hmm ♪

You know, it sure is nice
having you and Dale with us.

- We're having a great time.
- You don't think our show is weird?

It is a little weird, but we're
still having a great time.

Oh, good. There's something
I want to ask you,

'cause you've made
a lot of films.

A hundred and eighty-nine.

- I've only made one.
- One?

Yeah, 188 to go.

In any of those films,
did you ever play a bad guy?

No, never did.

Didn't think you'd look
good wearing a black hat?

No, the main reason is,
the bad guy never gets to sing.

That's right, they never do.

Can you imagine a bad guy
stopping a stagecoach,

tying up the passengers
taking all their money,

then sing,
♪ Happy trails to you ♪

You know something else,

I can't imagine
under any circumstances

a bad guy yodeling.

You do a lot of yodeling,
don't you, Roy?

Yes, I do.

In fact, I invented some of
the yodels I do in my songs.

- No kidding.
- Mm-hmm.

Somebody told me the
only reason you yodel

is because you
forgot the words.

How right they were.

- But who told you that?
- Some guy in a black hat.

But I agree, yodeling does
look like it's fun.

- Could you show me
how to do it? - Sure, it's easy.

Just repeat after me.

- [yodels]
- [repeats]

- [yodels]
- [repeats]

- [yodels]
- [repeats]

[yodeling very rapidly]

[continues yodeling]

Uh... Well, um,
I'll see you later, Roy.

- Where you going?
- I'm going to buy a black hat.

Ho, boy, ho.

Yeah. Ho, ho.

[man] And now, out of
chute number three...

Chute number three...

...Slim Wilson riding
old Skyball Paint.

- Ho, boy.
- Go get 'em, Slim.

Yee-hoo!

OK, partner.

- I want to see you dance.
Now, dance. - [g*nsh*t]

- Dance! Dance!
- [g*nshots]

Why, that's beautiful.

You think I can
dance like that?

- Well, of course.
- [g*nshots]

Oh! Oh, my foot!

Ow! Oh!

But seriously,
you cows are an udder delight.

Ahh!

I mean, you don't know
the hoof of it.

Ahh!

Hey, Kermit, Kermit!
This bunch of cows loves me.

- I'm a hit.
- Not bunch, herd.

Uh, heard of what?

- Herd of cows.
- Sure, I heard of cows.

Ahh!

No, I mean the cows' herd.

Of course, they heard.
I was talking right to them.

Ahh!

Oh, these are my people!

Right now they're needed for
the final production number.

- But, but...
- Round 'em up, move 'em out.

- [g*nshots]
- Whoa. Whoa!

Come on, doggies, move it.

- Move it out, move it.
- Wait a minute. I was having fun.

That's one of the things
you had to watch out for in the old West.

- What's that?
- Audience rustlers.

Once again,
ladies and gentlemen,

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

♪ There is something
about the west ♪

♪ Puts your heart
and your soul to rest ♪

♪ Makes you feel
you're really blessed ♪

♪ Hazy mountains ♪

♪ There's a ceiling
of blue above ♪

♪ And the trees
peaceful as a dove ♪

♪ It's no wonder
that people love ♪

♪ Hazy mountains ♪

♪ When evenin' chores
are over ♪

♪ At our ranch house
on the plain ♪

♪ And all I've got to do ♪

♪ Is lay around ♪

[harmonica]

♪ I saddle up my pony ♪

♪ And ride off
down the trail ♪

♪ To watch the desert sun ♪

♪ Go down ♪

♪ Ridin' down the canyon ♪

♪ To watch the sun go down ♪

♪ A picture ♪

♪ That no artist
e'er could paint ♪

[singing in Spanish]

[high-pitched laughter]

[howling]

Who do you think you are,
Gene Autry?

[singing in Spanish]

♪ See them tumbling down ♪

♪ Pledging their love
to the ground ♪

♪ Lonely but free
I'll be found ♪

♪ Drifting along with
the tumbling tumbleweed ♪

♪ Happy trails to you ♪

♪ Until we meet again ♪

♪ Happy trails to you ♪

♪ Keep smiling until then ♪

♪ Who cares about the clouds
if we're together ♪

♪ Just sing a song and
bring the sunny weather ♪

♪ Happy trails to you ♪

♪ Till we meet again ♪

OK, well, buckaroos,

we've come to the part where
we have to say good-bye.

I really hate to do it,

'cause sitting round
the campfire with us

have been two
of America's legends,

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

Yeah!

Kermit, we've had
a wonderful time.

Oh, I'm glad.
At this point

I usually say good night
to everybody,

but tonight I'd appreciate it
if you said it your way.

Well, I'd be glad to.

Until we meet again
on the screen or in person,

good-bye, good luck
and may the good Lord take a likin' to you.

That's it.

Moo.

No, boo!

Boo.

Hurrah.

- Hurrah.
- [laughing]