01x04 - The Nuchshlep

[bunniefuu]

INT. KITCHEN


NILES, WASHING FRUIT, FEELS A SNEEZE COMING ON AND STEPS INTO THE PANTRY,
CLOSING THE DOOR. WE HEAR HIM SNEEZE. FRAN ENTERS.


FRAN: Niles?

SHE HEARS HIS NEXT SNEEZE, AND OPENS THE PANTRY DOOR.


FRAN: (CONT.) Niles, what’s the matter?

NILES: I’m afraid I’m feeling a bit q*eer.

FRAN: Honey, don’t ask, don’t tell. But for God’s sake come out of the closet!

NILES: Ill, Miss Fine. I’m beginning to feel a bit ill.

FRAN: Oh, well speak English. Here, let me take your temperature. Bend over.

NILES: I beg your pardon.

FRAN: Relax, I wanna feel your forehead.

SHE KISSES HIS FOREHEAD.


FRAN (CONT’D): It’s a low-grade. Ninety-nine point three, maybe four. You’ll
live.

NILES: I must say, you have very skillful lips.

FRAN: You don’t know the half of it. Now go lie down, rub on some Vicks. I’ll
let you know when dinner’s ready.

NILES: You?

FRAN: Niles, believe it or not, I ate before I met you. I’m perfectly capable of
putting dinner on the table. Now go, go.


A SKEPTICAL NILES EXITS. FRAN PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS.

FRAN (CONT’D): Don’t start with me, Niles.


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

INT. LIVING ROOM


FRAN IS ON THE PHONE, HOLDING A TAKE-OUT MENU. MAGGIE, BRIGHTON AND GRACE ARE
GATHERED NEARBY.


FRAN: What are you telling me, on the g*ng of Four dinner, one of the four can’t
be shrimp? Hold on, (TO CHILDREN) Kids, we got a crisis here. We gotta
completely re-think column A.

MAGGIE: Oh, I’ve never been good at multiple choice.

FRAN: Honey, it’s just food, you can’t fail.

BRIGHTON: Unless you order the Mao Tse Tongue.


BRIGHTON STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE.


MAGGIE: Grow up, Brighton.

FRAN: How about you, Gracie, what do you feel like?

GRACIE: Actually, I’m a little down, but it could be my blood sugar.

FRAN: So we’ll do the Dysfunctional Family Dinner. With that you get the shrimp.


MAGGIE: We’re sorry, we never did this before.

FRAN: You never ordered in Chinese food?!?!

MAGGIE: We’ve never ordered in anything. Niles always makes dinner.

BRIGHTON: Except when Dad drags us to some stupid, four-star restaurant.

FRAN: You poor deprived kids. Okay, I’ll pick. (INTO PHONE) Hello? You still
there? Yeah. We’ll have the mu shu… with beef… and cold Szechuan noodles…

GRACIE: Yuck.

FRAN: (TO KIDS) You’re gonna love ‘em. It’s just like spaghetti with peanut
butter. (OFF THEIR BLANK STARES) You have had peanut butter?


MAXWELL IS SEEN COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.


FRAN (CONT’D): (INTO PHONE) Oh! Hold on. The father may be joining us! This
could mean an upgrade to the Imperial Feast.

MAXWELL: What’s going on? Where’s Niles?

FRAN: He’s q*eer.

GRACIE: So we’re doing take-out.

MAXWELL: Take-out?! Miss Fine, I will not have my children eating like… like
actors!

FRAN: I’m just trying to expose them to other cultures. They order Chinese food,
they learn how Jewish people eat.

MAXWELL: I was going to suggest The Four Seasons.


THE KIDS GROAN.


FRAN: Now kids, let’s not be hasty…

MAXWELL: No, no, have your fun, order Chinese. But keep the chop sticks away
from Brighton.


THE KIDS CHEER. MEANWHILE, GRACIE INDICATES PHONE IN FRAN’S HAND.


GRACIE: Fran, the man’s yelling!

FRAN: What? (THEN INTO PHONE) Oh, are you still holding? Never mind.


FRAN HANGS UP THE PHONE. THEY ALL LOOK AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.


FRAN (CONT’D): If they’ve got the time to hold that long, they’re not moving the
mu-shu.


AS SHE LEAFS THROUGH THE PHONE BOOK, WE:


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. KITCHEN - A WHILE LATER


THE KIDS ARE AT THE TABLE. FRAN IS ON THE PHONE.


FRAN: Look, I don’t care if you’re down to one wok. I’ve been waiting an hour
and a half for this food. I should be hungry again already.

SFX: SERVICE DOORBELL RINGS.

NOBODY MOVES.

FRAN (CONT’D): Ling, this better be you!

FRAN HANGS UP, AND THEY ALL SIT THERE.

SFX: SERVICE DOORBELL RINGS.

STILL NOBODY GOES TO ANSWER IT.

FRAN (CONT’D): Oh, look at us. We’re so used to having a butler! (b*at, THEN TO
MAGGIE) You get it.

MAGGIE OPENS THE DOOR. HER JAW DROPS AT THE SIGHT OF THE CUTE BOY HOLDING THE
BAGS OF TAKE-OUT.

MAGGIE: Eddie?!

EDDIE: Maggie! Oh God, I thought this house looked familiar.

GRACIE: Are you that waiter that kissed Maggie at Daddy’s party?

MAGGIE: Good night, Gracie.

SHE PUSHES GRACIE AWAY.

BRIGHTON: You know, Maggie never stops talking about you. sometimes in the
middle of the night… Ow! Fran, Maggie kicked me.

FRAN: It wasn’t Maggie.

FRAN TAKES THE BAGS AND HANDS THEM TO THE KIDS.

GRACE: (YUCKY FACE) This bag is greasy!

FRAN: (DELIGHTED) Mmmmmm! Extra flavor!

GRACE: (DELIGHTED) Mmmmmm!

FRAN: Now take this food into the dining room, and Brighton keep the chop sticks
out of your nose.

BRIGHTON: Extra flavor.

FRAN: Oy, next time I’m just having girls.

BRIGHTON AND GRACE EXIT TO DINING ROOM. MAGGIE AND EDDIE STAND AT THE DOOR,
GRINNING AND NODDING AWKWARDLY. FRAN COMES OVER AND GRINS AND NODS FOR AWHILE,
THEN:

FRAN (CONT’D): (LOSING PATIENCE) Alright, c’mon in, already.

EDDIE: I can’t, I’ve got another order to deliver…

FRAN: Meanwhile, I waited an hour and a half. What’s their rush?

SHE PULLS HIM IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

FRAN (CONT’D): Sit, talk.

EDDIE AND MAGGIE CONTINUE TO GAZE AT EACH OTHER.

FRAN (CONT’D): Okay, I’ll talk. So Eddie, you branched out, you’re a delivery
boy now.

EDDIE: I’m in all aspects of the food service industry.

FRAN: Oh you’re an actor.

EDDIE: Uh-huh.

HE CONTINUES TO STARE AT MAGGIE.

FRAN: I could tell, ‘cause you’re brilliant with dialogue.

THERE IS ANOTHER MOMENT OF SILENCE.

EDDIE: (STILL NERVOUS) So, does your father still want to k*ll me for kissing
you at the party?

MAGGIE: (GIGGLING) Yeah.

FRAN: Don’t worry about him. He knows it was just a kiss.

EDDIE: (FIXED ON MAGGIE) It wasn’t just a kiss for me.

MAGGIE AND FRAN MELT. FRAN THEN PULLS MAGGIE ASIDE.

FRAN: (GIVING MONEY TO MAGGIE) Here, I’ll leave you two alone. Talk. If you
can’t talk, tip. But not too much. We don’t want him to think we’re desperate.

FRAN EXITS TO DINING ROOM.


INT. DINING - CONTINUOUS

BRIGHTON AND GRACE ARE LISTENING AT THE DOOR. FRAN COMES THROUGH THE SWING DOOR
AND CATCHES THEM EAVESDROPPING.

FRAN: What are you doing? Go eat. Would you like somebody listening to your
privacy?

FRAN GOES TO PEEK INTO THE KITCHEN. NILES ENTERS.

NILES: Stuck to the door again, Miss Fine?

FRAN: Niles, I have to watch the kids. It’s my job. I’m the nanny. Why aren’t
you sleeping?

NILES: I was, but I put on so much eucalyptus rub, I dreamt I was att*cked by a
giant Koala.

GRACE: You know, I have that same dream.

FRAN: You’re both scaring me. Here, sit. Have some won-ton.


NILES SITS, FRAN DISTRIBUTES FOOD.


FRAN: (CONT'D) Now, when Maggie comes in, I don’t want you all to make a big
deal about this. Make like nothing happened. Mind your own B I business.


MAGGIE ENTERS, CALMLY TAKING HER SEAT. IT’S FRAN WHO BURSTS LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.


FRAN (CONT’D): What’d he say? What’d you say? Did he ask you out???

MAGGIE: (BURSTING TOO, JOYOUSLY) Yes!

NOW THEY’RE BOTH SCHOOLGIRLS, SQUEALING AND EMBRACING.

FRAN: Where are you gonna go?! What are you gonna wear?!

BRIGHTON: (SQUEALING WITH THEM) What are you going to tell dad?

FRAN AND MAGGIE IMMEDIATELY DEFLATE.

FRAN: Oh, him.

GRACE: Sometimes short-term relationships are the best.

FRAN: (TO MAGGIE) Don’t worry. I’ll tell him for you.

NILES: And where shall we send your things?

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. FOYER/LIVING ROOM - AFTER MIDNIGHT
DARK, EXCEPT FOR ONE LITTLE FOYER LAMP. MAXWELL AND C.C. ENTER THROUGH FRONT
DOOR.

MAXWELL: God, I hate these self serving tributes to Broadway. And why weren’t
any of our plays included?

C.C.: Well, Chita was marvelous.

MAXWELL: That was Rita.

C.C.: Singing from “Evita”? The more tucks those two have, the more they look
alike.

SHE LAUGHS, HE LAUGHS. FRAN OBSERVES THIS FROM THE SOFA.

MAXWELL: Well…

C.C.: Well…

THEY SMILE. THEY NOD.

FRAN: Oy, it’s hereditary.

MAXWELL TURNS ON THE LIVING ROOM LIGHTS. FRAN, IN ROBE, IS CURLED UP ON THE
SOFA, EATING CHINESE FOOD AND WATCHING A TINY PORTABLE TV. SHE CALLS OUT A
LITTLE TOO LOUDLY, DUE TO THE EARPHONE IN HER EAR.

FRAN: Anyone in the mood for some sweet and sour?

C.C.: What is she doing here?

FRAN: I live here.

C.C.: Maxwell, explain the difference between a “live-in” and a “live-all-over”!


THEY COME INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

MAXWELL: (SQUINTING INTO THE TINY SCREEN) How on earth can you watch a movie on
that little TV?

FRAN: It’s about a small town. I only waited up ‘cause I need to talk to you.

C.C.: Isn’t there a more appropriate time and place for this?

FRAN: You’re right. (TO MAXWELL) I’ll see you upstairs. Your room or mine?

C.C.: On second thought, there’s no time like the present.

FRAN: She’s so understanding. (HANDS C.C. HER COAT) Now don’t be a stranger.

C.C.: Maxwell?

MAXWELL: It is getting late. Thank you for a lovely evening, C.C. Careful going
home.

FRAN: In fact, let the phone ring once so we know you got there safe.

C.C. TURNS TO SAY GOOD NIGHT, BUT UNSEEING, FRAN CLOSES THE DOOR IN HER FACE.

FRAN: (CONT’D) I don’t know how people who live alone do it.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine? What’s the problem?

FRAN: Well, it’s not really a problem so much as a dilemma. No, that has a
negative connotation. Let’s call it a situation.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, what is it?!

FRAN: I’m trying to tell you. Maggie’s been asked out on a date.

MAXWELL: Well, that’s not a problem. Just tell her no.

FRAN: Hence the dilemma. ‘Cause maybe I said yes.

MAXWELL: How could you do that? Who is the boy? Do I know him?

FRAN: Does anyone really know anyone?

MAXWELL: You’re trying my patience.

FRAN: It’s Eddie. From the party.

MAXWELL: The Kissing Waiter?!

FRAN: It was fate, really! Kismet! He delivered the take-out!

MAXWELL: My daughter is not dating a waiter.

FRAN: Not just a waiter. (REALLY SELLING) He’s also a delivery boy.

MAXWELL: Ooh, a hyphenate.

FRAN: So k*ll the kid for working two jobs, saving his pennies, hoping and
dreaming someday he can go to Yale.

MAXWELL: (SURPRISED) Really? Yale?

FRAN: Uh huh!

MAXWELL: What does he plan to study?

FRAN: (GARBLED) Drama.

MAXWELL: Llamas?

FRAN: (SIMPLY) Drama.

MAXWELL: An actor?! My daughter’s dating an actor?

FRAN: If you could have only seen the way those two kids looked at each other.
(OFF HIS LOOK) Ah, maybe it’s better you didn’t.

MAXWELL: You see the position you’ve put me in? Now I’m the ogre who won’t let
his daughter out of the tower to go to the ball.

FRAN: No one thinks of it like that. I mean , the word “ogre” may have been
mentioned…

MAXWELL: Miss Fine -

FRAN: You can’t put off this dating thing forever! Boys will come knocking and
if you don’t open the door she’ll start sneaking out the window. I’ve seen it a
hundred times! Take Teresa Pallelli - everyone else has!

MAXWELL: Teresa Pallelli the casting director?

FRAN: You know her?

MAXWELL: I’ve used her.

FRAN: And the legend lives on.

MAXWELL: Tell me, do I have a chance of winning this argument?

FRAN: (PAUSE) No.

MAXWELL: Fine. Maggie may go on her date. (HE STARTS FOR THE STAIRS)Good night,
Miss Fine.

FRAN: Good night, Mr. Sheffiled.

MAXWELL: Enjoy the movie tomorrow.

FRAN: What?! I’m not going!

MAXWELL: (SING-SONG) Oh, yes you are! You’re going to chaperone.

FRAN: Chaperone?! Is that even still a word?

MAXWELL: Ogres still use it.

FRAN: But I can’t be the chaperone! Chaperones are old, shlubby, spinsters
living on the cusp of other people’s lives -

MAXWELL: I’m sure you’ll catch on quickly.

FRAN: But everyone hates the chaperone! Why do I gotta be the nuchshlep?!

MAXWELL: The whatshlep??

FRAN: The nuchshlep. The tag along. Third shoe. Fifth wheel. Your basic loser
without a life.

MAXWELL: Goodnight, Miss Fine.

FRAN: Goodnight, Mr. Ogre. I’ll lock up the tower.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

INT. MOVIE THEATER

FRAN AND MAGGIE ENTER THE FAIRLY CROWDED THEATER. FRAN LEADS THE WAY TO A ROW
WITH TWO SEATS ON THE AISLE NEXT TO AN ELDERLY COUPLE.

FRAN: Excuse me? Would you mind moving down?

WIFE: There’s two seats there!

FRAN: But we need three. (CONFIDENTIALLY, RE: MAGGIE) Her date is getting our
refreshments.

HUSBAND: If she’s on a date, who are you?

FRAN: (WEAKLY) I’m the chaperone.

WIFE: Oh. (LOUDLY, TO HER HUSBAND) Move down for the nuchshlep!

THE COUPLE MOVE DOWN.

HUSBAND: She looks too young to be a nuchshlep.

WIFE: You don’t have to be old, you just have to be a loser.

FRAN: Are you two gonna talk through the whole movie?

SHE sh**t THEM A LOOK AND TURNS TO MAGGIE.

MAGGIE: (ANXIOUSLY) How do you think it’s going?

FRAN: (DELICATELY) Nice. I think it’s going very nice.

MAGGIE: So you don’t think I’m being too quiet?

FRAN: Well, maybe I could make just one little suggestion. Remember when Eddie
came to the door and you said "Hello"?

MAGGIE: Yeah.

MAXWELL: Her voice.

FRAN: Well, that was good. Elaborate on that.

MAGGIE: (b*at) How?

FRAN: Maggie, it’s your first date. Try to relax and enjoy it. I remember my
first date. Robby Ortoff. The Flamingo Beach Club. The moon was full, the pool
was heated, and so was Robby Ortoff.

HUSBAND: What’s she saying?

WIFE: She’s talking about the old days when she had a life.

FRAN: Excuse me, I’m telling a story, here.

WIFE: Now the nuchshlep’s getting annoyed.

FRAN GLARES AT THEM, THEN RETURNS TO HER STORY.

FRAN: It was a magical night. Wolfman Jack was making a personal appearance…

MAGGIE: (HOPEFULLY) And the point of this is… you didn’t know what to say on
your first date either?

FRAN: Oh no, honey, but I’ve got the gift for gab. And you gotta be yourself,
too. Only louder.

EDDIE ENTERS TRYING TO BALANCE THREE SODAS AND A POPCORN. EDDIE JOINS THEM,
PASSING DOWN THE DRINKS AND THE POPCORN.

EDDIE: Hi, I got popcorn.

FRAN ELBOWS MAGGIE.

MAGGIE: (LOUDLY) Hello…

FRAN NUDGES HER AGAIN.

MAGGIE: (CONT’D) (DESPERATE TO ELABORATE, LOUDLY) I love popcorn!

FRAN ROLLS HER EYES AND TAKES THE SODA FROM EDDIE.

EDDIE: Here’s your soda.

FRAN: Oy, look at the size of this thing, it should come with a lifeguard.

EDDIE: I think mine has an undertow.

FRAN AND EDDIE SHARE A LAUGH.

MAGGIE: (TRYING TO JOIN IN) My soda’s so big… (THEN, COMPLETELY BLANK) I don’t
think I could drink it all.

FRAN AND EDDIE STARE AT HER.

MAGGIE: (CONT’D) It’s really big.

THE LIGHTS GO OUT.

FRAN: There is a God.

FADE OUT.

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DINING ROOM - SUNDAY MORNING

MAXWELL AND THE CHILDREN ARE BEING SERVED BY A RECOVERED NILES.

MAXWELL: Niles, I can’t tell you how good it is to see you back on your feet!

NILES: Thank you, sir. I’ve prepared your favorite. Belgian Waffles.

MAXWELL: I don’t recall them being my favorite.

NILES: Oh, then they must be mine. (b*at) It was my Great Grandfather’s recipe,
served at the coronation breakfast of Edward The Eighth.

FRAN ENTERS.

FRAN: Oh, look! Eggos!

NILES: Belgian Waffles, Miss Fine.

FRAN: Oh. (TASTING THEM) Very close. You got any Log Cabin?

MAXWELL: So, Maggie, you haven’t told us about your date last night.

MAGGIE IS HUNCHED OVER HER PLATE LISTLESSLY PUSHING THE WAFFLE AROUND.

MAXWELL: (CONT’D) Maggie dear, your hair is in the syrup.

FRAN: Oh, we had a wonderful time.

MAGGIE: It was terrible. I didn’t have anything to say. I sat there like a lump.


BRIGHTON: So do mash potatoes, and everybody likes them.

FRAN SMACKS HIM

BRIGHTON: (CONT’D) What? I’m trying to help.

FRAN: Maggie, you were great. You were so funny when the air conditioner dripped
on you and you opened your umbrella like you thought it was raining.

MAGGIE: I did think it was raining.

FRAN: See, you’re funny when you’re not even trying. I’m telling you, you’re a
riot. I’m telling you, you’re a riot. How about the thing you said about the
Milk Duds?

MAGGIE: That was you.

FRAN: The egg cream?

MAGGIE: That was you, too.

FRAN: The cabby’s toupee?

MAGGIE: You, you, you, you.

FRAN: Boy, was I on last night, or what?

MAXWELL: Well, I’m sure it’ll go better next time.

MAGGIE: There won’t be a next time. I’m never going to see him again, ‘cause I’m
never going to leave the house. I’m a worthless, pathetic, unlovable nothing.

GRACE: (TO MAGGIE) Can I have your waffle?

SFX: PHONE RINGS.

NILES GOES TO ANSWER IT.

MAXWELL: Sweetheart, don’t be so down on yourself.

BRIGHTON: Yeah, that’s my job.

FRAN: That could be Eddie calling right now.

MAGGIE: Yeah, right.

NILES APPROACHES WITH THE PHONE.

NILES: It’s Master Eddie.

FRAN: Heh?

NILES: I'm afraid it's not for Maggie. (TO FRAN) It's for you.

FRAN: Me???

NILES: Yes. You, you, you, you, you.

FRAN TAKES THE PHONE.

FRAN: Hello… Yeah… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Okay… Bye, Eddie.

SHE HANDS THE PHONE BACK TO NILES. EVERYONE STARES.

FRAN: (CONT’D) (TO MAGGIE) Eddie says “hello”… and he wants to see me Friday
night. I’m sure it’s about nothing. I’m sure it’s about you. Not that you’re
nothing. (THEN, RE: THE WAFFLES) These look delicious. Could you please pass the
syrup?

MAGGIE: Why don’t you just take it, like you take everything else?

MAXWELL: Margaret!

BRIGHTON: Is this sarcasm??? From Margaret??

FRAN: Maggie, let’s go where we can talk.

MAGGIE: You mean where you talk and I just get to listen.

BRIGHTON: (INTO THE FORK, LIKE A SPORTSCASTER) Yes, folks! It’s definitely
sarcasm! And Maggie scores again!

MAXWELL: Let’s everyone just calm down.

BRIGHTON: The ref jumps in!

FRAN: (TO MAXWELL) No, let her talk. (THEN TO MAGGIE) If you’re mad at me,
Maggie, say so! You’ll feel better, I’ll feel better, we’ll all feel better!!!

MAGGIE: (RISING) You stole my boyfriend! I hate you!

MAGGIE RUNS OUT, LEAVING EVERYONE IN A STUNNED SILENCE, FEELING VERY
UNCOMFORTABLE. ESPECIALLY FRAN.

FRAN: There, now. It’s out in the open. Doesn’t everyone feel better? (NEAR
TEARS) I know I do.

MAXWELL: See, and that’s what happens when you order Chinese food.

MAXWELL RISES, AND TAKES OFF AFTER MAGGIE.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. LIVING ROOM

FRAN IS LYING ON A COUCH, NILES PUTS A PILLOW UNDER HER FEET.

FRAN: I don’t believe this is happening. Poor Maggie. (RE: PILLOW) Could you
fluff a little? I never should have gone on that date.

NILES HANDS HER A COLD COMPRESS FOR HER HEAD.

FRAN: (CONT’D) It’s still a little drippy.

NILES: Allow me.

HE WRINGS OUT THE CLOTH INTO A PLANT.

FRAN: I’ve got this charisma thing that just won’t quit. All the Fines’ have it.
We’re plagued with personality.

NILES: You do effervesce.

FRAN: It’s a curse.

MAXWELL IS DESCENDING THE STAIRS AS WE HEAR MAGGIE OFF STAGE.

MAGGIE: (O.S.) Why can’t everyone leave me alone! I just wanna die in peace!

SFX: DOOR SLAM

MAXWELL: I think she’s starting to come around.

FRAN: She threw you out too, huh? Well, don’t feel too bad.

MAXWELL: I don’t? It’s you she hates.

FRAN: And who can blame her? It’s all my fault. If only you hadn’t forced me to
go on that date.

MAXWELL: Me? If only you hadn’t pushed her into dating in the first place!

FRAN: I didn’t push her!

MAXWELL: Trust me, you pushed! Push, push, push!

FRAN: Wait. Are you implying that I push?

EXASPERATED, MAXWELL SINKS INTO THE COUCH AND PUTS FRAN’S COMPRESS ON HIS HEAD.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. MAGGIE’S BEDROOM

MAGGIE IS LYING ON HER BED, THERE’S A KNOCK AT HER DOOR.

MAGGIE: Go away!

FRAN POKES HER HEAD IN.

FRAN: Sorry, I couldn’t hear. Did you say come in?

MAGGIE SITS UP, GRABBING A MAGAZINE.

MAGGIE: Do what you want, you will anyway.

FRAN ENTERS CAUTIOUSLY, HOLDING A BOX OF YODELS.

FRAN: Here I brought yodels.

MAGGIE: I can’t eat. I’m too miserable.

FRAN: (TAKING A BITE) Gee, I wish misery had that effect on me.

MAGGIE: Do you know how humiliated I feel? Losing my boyfriend… to my Nanny!

FRAN: First of all, you’re too old to have a Nanny. I mean it’s one thing for
Brighton and Gracie, but you and I are more like friends.

MAGGIE: Some friend! Do friends steal their friends’ boyfriends?!

FRAN: No, never. Take me and Val -- Sure, there were times we met a guy, and Val
would fall in love with him but he would fall in love with me. Or I would fall
in love with him and he would fall in love with… Nah, that never happened. But
the point is we never let it ruin our friendship. And that is the Official
Girlfriend’s Code.

MAGGIE: (SUSPICIOUS) The what?

FRAN: You never heard of the Girlfriend’s Code?

MAGGIE SHAKES HER HEAD

FRAN: (CONT’D) What do they teach you at that private school, anyway? Okay,
first of all… if two girls go out, and one gets picked up and the other one
doesn’t, then she can’t desert her girlfriend and go off with him, unless of
course he’s got another friend for her that’s equally as cute. But that’s not
applicable here so we should move on to rule number two.

MAGGIE: Should I be taking notes?

FRAN: Don’t worry, we’ll review. Now, our situation… if one girl falls in love
with a guy, but the guy falls for her friend, then the friend has to dump him.

MAGGIE: You would do that for me?

FRAN: (NODDING SOLEMLY) It’s the code.

THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER.

MAGGIE: Maybe I’ll have that yodel now.

FRAN TURNS OVER BOX, IT’S EMPTY.

FRAN: Sorry, rule number three - when it comes to yodels, it’s every girl for
herself.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT

MAGGIE IS PACING, WHILE FRAN IS PUTTING THE FINAL TOUCHES ON HER LIPSTICK.

FRAN: Rule twenty-seven: Just because you’re dumping someone doesn’t mean you
shouldn’t look your best.

SFX: SERVICE DOORBELL RINGS.

MAGGIE: Oh God, that’s him. What are we going to do?

FRAN: Don’t worry, I’ll let him down gently.

MAGGIE: Destroy him.

FRAN: Alright.

MAGGIE: Can I listen?

FRAN: That’s what the butler’s pantry is for.

MAGGIE GOES TO OPEN THE PANTRY DOOR, REVEALING NILES EAVESDROPPING. HE
STRAIGHTENS, TRYING TO REGAIN HIS DIGNITY.

NILES: Just looking for a ladle. Ah, here it is.

HE EXITS UP THE STAIRS WITH THE LADLE, AS FRAN OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL EDDIE.

FRAN: (COOLLY) Hello, Ed.

EDDIE: Hi, I brought you some spare ribs.

FRAN: That’s a lovely sentiment, but my affections cannot be bought. Ya got any
duck sauce?

EDDIE: Sure, and hot mustard, too.

FRAN: Oh boy, you are some little operator, aren’t you? First you ask Maggie
out, you toy with her affections, and now you’re bringing me pork. What are you,
some kind of delivering Don Juan?

EDDIE: What are you talking about?

FRAN: It’s over between us. It’s not gonna happen.

EDDIE: What’s not gonna happen?

FRAN: Me. You. Us. I hate to break your heart at such a tender age, but trust me
you’ll get over it. Some day, I’ll be nothing but a fond memory like… did you
see “Summer of 42?”

EDDIE: You think that…? Miss Fine, you’re old enough to be my -

FRAN: Watch it!

EDDIE: -- sister. I mean, I really like you, as a friend…

FRAN: Wait a minute. Are you dumping me? These ribs are for dumping?

EDDIE: No, they’re more like a kind of bribe.

FRAN: For what?

EDDIE: For what I wanted to see you about. Would you give my picture and resume
to Mr. Sheffield?

FRAN: Your picture and resume?

EDDIE: Yeah, you know, for when he casts his next show.

FRAN: Why didn’t you just ask Maggie?

EDDIE: ‘Cause I really like her, and I didn’t want her to think I was using her.


FRAN: And you didn’t mind using me?

EDDIE: Yeah, I mean, no. I mean, I thought it would be easy for you, ‘cause
you’re, y’know not shy. You’re… you’re…

FRAN: Pushy???

EDDIE: Only in a nice way!

FRAN: So I’m old and pushy!

EDDIE: You’re not that old.

FRAN: Just give me the damn pictures.

HE HANDS THEM TO FRAN.

EDDIE: So is Maggie here? I thought maybe we could go for a walk.

FRAN: Just a minute, I’ll get her.

SHE BEGINS TO LEAVE, THEN:

FRAN: (CONT’D) Years from now when you speak of this, and you will, be kind.

FRAN CROSSES TO THE BUTLER’S PANTRY AND STEPS INSIDE T DISCOVER THE WHOLE FAMILY
STANDING THERE.

INT. BUTLER’S PANTRY - CONTINUOUS

FRAN: (CONT’D) You’ve got nineteen rooms and you all ended up here? (b*at) So, I
guess you heard.

BRIGHTON: Yeah, crash and burn.

GRACE: Come see me if you need help dealing with rejection.

MAGGIE: So, does this mean I have to dump him ‘cause he dumped you?

FRAN: Technically, yes. However, there’s a loophole. When the boy’s as cute as
Eddie, all bets are off.

MAGGIE HUGS FRAN.

FRAN: (CONT’D) Now go have fun with your boyfriend and let this pushy old broad
eat her ribs in peace.

MAGGIE: (TO MAXWELL) May I?

MAXWELL: (LOOKS AT HER A b*at. SMILES) Of course. Have a good time.

MAGGIE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN, AS BRIGHTON AND GRACE EXIT TO THE DINING ROOM. FRAN
REACHES FOR A PLATE.

FRAN: (TO MAXWELL) Well, you’re sure singing a different tune.

MAXWELL: Hey, if I don’t open the door, she’ll sneak out the window.

FRAN: That’s very wise.

MAXWELL: (SMILES) Yeah. some pushy old broad told me. Now put down your rib and
get your coat.

FRAN: Whaaa???

MAXWELL: We’re going nuchshlepping.

HE GRABS HER HAND AND LEADS HER OUT OF THE PANTRY.

DISSOLVE TO:

TAG

INT. FOYER - EVENING

FRAN IS STUDYING HERSELF IN THE MIRROR. NILES ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND HER.

FRAN: If you didn’t know how young I am, how old would you think I was?

NILES: I would think you were even younger than you say you are.

FRAN: Oh, Niles! You always know just what to say!

MAXWELL AND KIDS COME DOWN THE STAIRS.

MAXWELL: Niles! Miss Fine!

FRAN: (QUICKLY TO MAXWELL) If you didn’t know how old I told Niles I was, how
old would you think I am?

MAXWELL: Ageless.

FRAN: Very quick.

MAXWELL: I have a surprise! I’ve decided this household could use a “fun”
evening -

BRIGHTON: (BLURTING) So he ordered take-out! Greek!

MAXWELL: (DISAPPOINTED) Brighton, that was my surprise.

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS.

NILES OPENS THE DOOR - WIDE ENOUGH FOR ALL TO SEE THE TWENTY-SOMETHING GREEK GOD
OF A DELIVERY “BOY”.

FRAN: Stand back, girls. This one’s mine!

FRAN GOES TO THE DOOR, THE GOD SMILES, AND FRAN STEPS OVER THE THRESHOLD,
PULLING THE DOOR CLOSED.

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW