04x03 - Shields & Yarnell

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Shields and Yarnell.

Fifteen seconds to curtain,
Shields and Yarnell.

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

[CLICKING]

Boy, Kermit's finally booked guest stars
weirder than we are.

It's The Muppet Show, with our very
special guest stars, Shields and Yarnell!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Hey, aren't we in the wrong place?

I wish we were, but there's the frog.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Hi-ho, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

Do we have a good one for you tonight.
Don't ask, of course we do.

Tonight's guest stars are those
phenomenal artists of mime,

Shields and Yarnell.

Boss, bad news about the guest stars

What is it, Scooter?

They're machines.
Shields and Yarnell are robots.

-They are not.
-They are so!

They were just moving like this.

[MIMICS MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

Scooter, watch out for the orchestra pit!

Whoa!

[CRASHING]

Oh, boy, right into the tuba.

Hey, Tiny, will you give a blast
on that thing?

[TUBA PLAYS]

Scooter, are you okay?

Fine, boss.

Just fine.

Okay, well, ladies and gentlemen,
our opening number, "Take a Chance."

I did, I did.

Okay. "Take a Chance."

♪ If you change your mind
I'm the first in line ♪

♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪

♪ If you need me let me know
Gonna be around ♪

♪ If you got no place to go
When you're feeling down ♪

♪ If you're all alone
When the pretty birds have flown ♪

♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Gonna do my very best
And it ain't no lie ♪

♪ If you put me to the test
If you let me try ♪

♪ Take a chance, take a chance
Take a chicka chance ♪

♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪

♪ If you need me let me know
Gonna be around ♪

♪ If you got no place to go
When you're feeling down ♪

♪ If you're all alone
When the pretty birds have flown ♪

♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Gonna do my very best
Baby, can't you see ♪

♪ Gonna put me to the test
Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Chance on me ♪

That's what you call a wire act.

-On this show, everything's a wire act.
-Oh?

Sure, you keep asking,
"Wire they doing that?"

Okay, nice number, birds, very nice.

Hey, Kermit. Do we get paid extra
for working on the high wire?

Uh, no.

Cheap, cheap.

-Kermit. Kermit.
-Yeah, Fozzie.

Shields and Yarnell have been teaching me
the subtle art of mime.

Mime? Uh-huh.

Watch this. Okay, tell me what it is.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Uh, bear walking up stairs.

Right. Okay, watch this.
Okay, tell what this is now.

Huh? What's that? What's that?

-Fozzie, I'm really kind of busy now.
-I'll do it again.

Uh, bear going up escalator.

You got it! Ah!

Okay, now here is my biggie.
Okay, watch this.

Oh. Ah.

Bear walking against the wind.

-You weren't even looking.
-I didn't have to.

All mimes do walking against the wind.
Fozzie, you gotta be more original.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

our guest stars tonight
are masters in the art of mime.

Here they are doing one of their
classic sketches: Robots Having Breakfast.

Ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell!

[CLANGING]

-Is that their act?
-Yup.

Well, how come they don't talk?

Because it's mime.

I thought you said it was theirs?

Hey, Floyd, what am I doing?
What am I doing? Okay.

Hey, man, I don't know
what kind of trip you're on,

but I hope you bought a return ticket.

What does it look like I'm doing?

Well, it looks like
you're feeding spaghetti to an elephant.

Yeah, right. Right! That's exactly right.

How many mimes
have you seen doing that, huh?

Only one.

And he got k*lled doing it.

Yeah?

Well, come to think of it,
he wasn't a mime.

He was just some guy who tried
to feed an elephant spaghetti.

They hate Italian food.

Great. That's a terrific idea
for my finish in this act.

Okay, here, I feed the spaghetti,

and the elephant takes my hand
with his trunk

and then wraps it around my neck
and he takes me down...

[YELLS]

The brain of the bear has gone bye-bye.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi, guys. Mind if I come in?

Boy, you look happy.

I'm not happy.

I'm miserable.

See, I gotta come up with an act
for next week's show.

You guys know the kind of acts I do?

That's it, that's exactly what I do.

Listen, if you were me,
what would you recommend?

He's gonna show me.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Mm-hm. Yes.

Yes, okay. I think I've got it.

Yes. This is...

That's fantastic!

How does he do it?
That's exactly my new act.

Fantastic, I can see it all now.
Gonzo massaging a snake!

Whoopee!

[DOOR CLOSES]

-Massaging a snake?
-Massaging a snake?

[GRUNTING]

♪ I've been around the world ♪

♪ Had my pick of every girl ♪

♪ You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not ♪

♪ Do, do-do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Everybody knows my name ♪

-Who's that?
-I don't know.

♪ But it's just a crazy game ♪

What's going on up there?

♪ Oh, it's lonely at the top ♪

♪ Do, do-do, do, do-do ♪

♪ Do, do-do, do, do-do ♪

♪ Listen to the band ♪

♪ They're playing just for me ♪

♪ Listen to the people ♪

♪ Praying just for me ♪

Oh, no!
Please get that monkey off my roof!

♪ All the applause ♪

♪ And all the parades ♪

♪ And all the money I have made ♪

♪ Oh, it's lonely at the top ♪

♪ Do, do-do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Listen to all you fools out there ♪

♪ Go on and love me ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ Oh, it's lonely at the top ♪

♪ Do, do-do, do, do-do ♪

♪ Oh, it's lonely at the top... ♪

[YELLS]

[HOOFBEATS]

-Whoa! Whoa, boy.
-[HORSE NEIGHS]

[g*nshots]

Howdy, pardner.

Well, I'll just see what
these two buckaroos want.

What's the matter?
Never seen anyone shuffle cards before?

Before, yes.

Now, no.

Bartender, get us two sarsaparillas.

Yes, sir.

Okay, let's play some poker.

All right.

[CARDS SHUFFLING]

[COINS JINGLING]

I call you.

That's four kings.

That's a pair of threes.

-Four kings.
-Pair of threes.

-That's four kings.
-Threes!

-Kings!
-Threes!

-Kings!
-Threes!

Oh, yeah?

He's always cheatin' me.

Say, we don't allow
no g*n fights in here, mister.

[SCOFFS]

[g*nsh*t]

Have a nice fight.

You know, he is right. It is four kings.

On three!

One, two, three.

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nshots]

Poor fella.
His finger went off accidentally.

[PLAYING MUSICAL NOTES]

Hey, Kermit.
I'm all ready with my mime act.

Oh, good, because you're on next.

Yeah. Hey, I've really got
some original ones, too.

My opening is dynamite. Watch this.

Bear watching a tennis match
between two turtles.

Uh... Uh, Fozzie, that's a little slow
for an opener.

You're right. I'll switch it to giraffes.

Uh, that's better.

Much better.

Well, it's better.

Hey, hey. Then there's this classic.

Uh-huh.

[SHOUTS]

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Frog is shaking his head?

Shaking his head at the classic bear
going to drive-in movie with porcupine?

-Uh, Fozzie?
-Yes, yes.

You see, Shields and Yarnell
have made a career out of mime.

They worked very hard to perfect it.
If you go out...

Oh, yeah, right.

They'll suffer by comparison.
I understand.

You do not want me to show up your guests.

Tell you what, I'll lay back a little.

No, no, no, don't do that.

You're right, I'll give it my best sh*t.

Kermit, it's a cruel business.

Uh, it certainly is.
I'll go introduce you.

Okay.

Bear walking on-stage.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight our own Fozzie Bear is making
his debut in the classic art of mime.

Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!

Heya, heya, heya.

Thank you, thank you,
and thank you, Mr. Frog.

All right, here is my first mime.

Picture if you will, a bear watching
a tennis match between two giraffes.

Um... Between two turtles? Huh?

You know, slow.

All right.

Uh, now, picture if you will, a bear
at a drive-in movie with a porcupine.

Hey, what's the name of the movie
playing at the drive-in?

Uh, I don't know. What's the point?

You'll find out
if you're there with a porcupine.

Uh, all right, moving right along.

As you all know, elephants hate spaghetti.

So with that in mind,
picture if you will...

Wait a minute, Italian elephants
don't hate spaghetti. They love it.

This is not an Italian elephant.
This one hates spaghetti.

Do you mind?

See? See?

Then he's got me by the throat! Aah!
And then he's trying to k*ll me...

He might as well.
You've been dying all night.

It'll put you out of your misery.

It'll put us out of ours, too.

See, he's got... He's... He's...

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

Wait, you don't... This is art. Please...

[BOOING CONTINUES]

Picture if you will,
a bear crawling off-stage.

I don't understand him.

Why doesn't he do something clever

like walking up stairs
or walking against the wind?

No way, the bear's got no imagination.

Okay, well,
so far we have certainly proved

that our very special guest stars
are masters of the art of mime.

Here they are now to show you
they do everything else good, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell!

[BAND PLAYING CIRCUS MUSIC]

♪ Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh ♪

♪ Don't you know
Everyone wants to laugh? ♪

♪ My dad said, "Be an actor, my son ♪

♪ But be a comical one" ♪

Okay, you want comedy? You got it!

It's animal impression time.

Do I hear any requests?

How about a gorilla?

A gorilla, terrific.

[LAUGHS]

That's magnificent.
Hey, the guy's a genius!

Do I hear another one?

Uh, yeah. A lizard.

A lizard.

Amazing, he looks just like Uncle Harry.

How about one more suggestion?

Would you consider a chicken?

Give this guy the Nobel Prize!

♪ Make 'em laugh, make 'em scream ♪

♪ Take a fall, butt a wall, split a seam ♪

♪ You start off by pretending
You're a dancer with grace ♪

♪ You wiggle till they're giggling
All over the place ♪

♪ And then you get a great big custard
Pie in the face ♪

♪ Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh ♪

[TAPPING]

♪ Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh
Make 'em... ♪

Wait a minute, one last mime.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Feeding Spaghetti to an Elephant.

Hold it, hold it. Police, hold it.
This man stole my biggie.

Oh, no, he didn't.

♪ Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh
Make 'em... ♪

That just about wraps up
another version of The Muppet Show.

But before we go,

let us have a warm thank-you
for our very special guest stars,

ladies and gentlemen,
the wonderful Shields and Yarnell! Yay!

Kermit, we had an incredible time tonight.

Yeah, we did.
And we want to thank Fozzie Bear

for giving us that classic sketch,
Feeding Spaghetti to an Elephant.

That's okay, I figured you needed
some quality material in your act.

We do, huh?

And thanks for showing me
that chicken trick. It really works.

Anytime.

-Come on, girls.
-What?

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

Hey, Gonzo. It looks like
you've been really busy.

Well, my coop runneth over.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Just when you think this show is terrible,
something wonderful happens.

-What?
-It ends.