04x06 - Linda Lavin

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, Dudley, Dudley Moore.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Moore.

-Thanks, Scooter.
-[PIANO NOTES PLAYING]

I'm having trouble getting this piano
in tune. Can you give me an A?

Sure, easy.

It's The Muppet Show, with our very
special guest star, Dudley Moore!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Watch what you say tonight.

I think the place is bugged.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

Surprise!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

And a terrific show it is,
because our special guest

is one of England's brightest stars
of music and comedy, Mr. Dudley Moore.

But first, to get things started,

we have invited a talented group
of young unknowns.

So let's give them a big hand and make
them feel welcome. Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING "SHE LOVES YOU"]

♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Well, you think you've lost your love ♪

♪ Well, I saw her yesterday ♪

♪ It's you she's thinking of ♪

♪ And she told me what to say ♪

♪ She says she loves you ♪

♪ And you know that can't be bad ♪

♪ Yeah, she loves you ♪

♪ And you know you should be glad ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ With a love like that ♪

♪ You know you should be glad ♪

♪ Well, you know it's up to you ♪

♪ And I think it's only fair ♪

♪ Pride can hurt you, too ♪

♪ Apologize to her ♪

♪ Because she loves you ♪

♪ And you know that can't be bad ♪

♪ Yeah, she loves you ♪

♪ And you know you should be glad ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ With a love like that ♪

♪ You know you should be glad ♪

♪ With a love like that ♪

♪ You know you should be glad ♪

♪ With a love like that ♪

♪ You know you should be ♪

♪ Glad ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You know, seeing a number like that
always makes me nostalgic.

Yeah? Nostalgic for what?

DDT.

Okay, great sound, guys.
That might just catch on.

Oh, thanks, guv.

But you fellas should find a name
for your group.

We were thinking of something
like the Grateful Dead.

-The who?
-Nah, it's been done.

That's been done, too.

KERMIT:
Hey, it's Dudley Moore.

Hi, Kermit.
Uh, you ready for my number yet?

Well, not yet.
But matter of fact, the band was wondering

how to play your accompaniment
without any arrangements.

-Band? Arrangements?
-Mm-hm. Sure.

Uh, I don't need any arrangements.

Really? How come?

I've got M.A.M.M.A.

[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

Looks like a fugitive from Star Wars.

Its name is M.A.M.M.A., huh?

Yeah. Music and Mood Management Apparatus.

M.A.M.M.A.

-It plays anything you want?
-Exactly.

Gee, is it any good?

-"Is it any good"?
-Mm-hm.

This is the ultimate achievement.

This is man's synthesis
of science and art.

This is the Sistine Chapel of innovation.

It's good, huh?

It's not bad.

[CLICKING AND BEEPING]

[PLAYING MUPPET SHOW THEME SONG]

By fiddling with these thingamajigs here,

I can get, uh, classical.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Or jazz.

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

-Wow.
-Or disco.

[PLAYING DISCO MUSIC]

-Gee. Could we use it for our next number?
-Sure. What is it?

It's called "At the Dance."

My pleasure.

Okay, everybody on-stage
for "At the Disco Dance."

Oh, Kermit, I am gonna be so funny.

[DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES]

Oh, yeah!

Hey, hey, everybody! Hey, listen. Hey!

What is green, waves its arms,
and is found in Chinese restaurants, huh?

I don't know.

What is green, waves its arms,
and is found in Chinese restaurants?

Kermit the Eggroll! Ah!

ALL:
Oh!

Yeah! Yeah! I knew you'd love it.

Hey, hey, hey, look. It's a dancing cow.

This must be a dis-cow-theque.

-Moo!
-Boo!

Yes, yes, yes, more, yes. Yes.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Why did the duck cross the road?

[SHOUTING] I don't know!
Why did the duck cross the road?

[FOZZIE GROANS]

Because he was tied to the chicken. Ah!

-Boo!
-Thank you, thank you.

Yes. Oh, look. Look. It's a dancing shark.

This must be a fish-cotheque. Ah!

Boo!

Yes, more. I know you want more.

Hey, hey, hey. Okay. Last one. Listen.

Yeah, what?

Hey, guys? Ahem.

What do you call
a light-brown billiard stick? Huh?

A tan cue?

You're welcome. Ah!

Get away from me, please.
I loved it. I'm glad you did.

Okay, well, uh, so much for disco dancing.

Uh, and now for all you fans
of the roaring twenties,

we have one of the top hits of 1929,

written by Charles "Cow Cow" Davenport,
called "Mama Don't Allow."

Oh, good.

Cow-Cow's songs are so mooooo-ving.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, okay, and it's played for you with his
Music and Mood Management Apparatus

by the fabulously talented
Mr. Dudley Moore.

Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, guys, take five.

[BAND PLAYING]

Hold it. Hold it.

What's wrong?

No, I meant, uh, lay out.

I won't be needing you.

-Wha...?
-How come?

I'll be doing this with M.A.M.M.A.

[M.A.M.M.A. PLAYING MUSIC]

♪ M.A.M.M.A. don't allow
No guitar players in here ♪

What?

♪ M.A.M.M.A. don't allow
No guitar players in here ♪

♪ It don't matter
If you're flat or sharp ♪

♪ You're gonna wake up a-playing a harp ♪

♪ 'Cause M.A.M.M.A. don't allow
No guitar players in here ♪

Take it, M.A.M.M.A.

Would you believe this?
It's a musical garbage can.

Playing musical garbage.

Yeah. It ain't got that swing
when it's played by a thing.

Still, you will note,
that it is being played.

And nobody being paid.

True. True.

Jive.

♪ M.A.M.M.A. don't allow
No drummer man in here ♪

♪ M.A.M.M.A. don't allow
No drummer man in here ♪

♪ M.A.M.M.A. said she gonna lower the boom
If she hear drumming in this room ♪

♪ 'Cause M.A.M.M.A. don't allow
No drummin' in here ♪

[YELLING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

FLOYD:
We gotta talk to him.

Yeah.

Hey, cricket-breath.

Oh, uh, hi, guys.

Yeah, what's this electric no-man's band
you're using?

Yeah.

Oh. That's just an experiment,
that's all, Floyd.

Listen, turtle-bait. Just because
it can play for Dudley Moore

don't mean it can play
the rest of the show.

Right. Right.

"The rest of the show"?

Why, Floyd, that's a wonderful idea.

I'll just plug in
the background music button here.

[M.A.M.M.A. PLAYS DRAMATIC STING]

Hey, Rowlf, where you going?
Wait a minute, man.

Hey, we gotta present
a solid front on this.

Uh, you do the solid front bit.

I'm gonna call this monkey I know
who's looking for an organ grinder.

Uh... Uh... Well, um...

Everybody on-stage for Pigs in Space.

Well, it's a sad day for musicians.

Yeah. I can almost hear Beethoven
turning over in his grave.

[M.A.M.M.A. PLAYS BEETHOVEN]

NARRATOR:
And now, Pigs in Space.

When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek,

it was being followed
by a mysterious object.

HOGTHROB:
Oh!

It looks like one of those things
that scientists send up from Earth.

-What do you call them?
-Satellite.

Of course it's a light.

Looks like a lot of lights.
But what do you call it?

Mon capitan is off to a great start. Ahem.

STRANGEPORK: Link, I've just found out
what that object is.

What is it, Dr. Strangepork?

-I'll tell you when I make my entrance.
-Huh?

[TRIUMPHANT BRASS FANFARE PLAYS]

That machine was sent up here
to underscore this sketch.

-Huh?
-Yeah.That music was for my entrance.

Pretty big fanfare for a mere
passenger-hyphen-scientist.

Imagine what it would be for a captain.

Think I'll try it, hm?

Here I go.

Your captain is here.

[HUMILIATING JINGLE PLAYS]

What the hey?

Look, Strangepork, you mean we're
stuck with that all through the sketch?

[DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS]

I'm afraid so.

[HIGHER CHORD PLAYS]

Isn't there anything we can do?

[HIGHER CHORD PLAYS]

Nothing.

[HIGHER CHORD PLAYS]

Get ready.

This is a catastrophe.

[HUMILIATING JINGLE PLAYS]

How come it always plays
dumb music when I talk?

I can't take any more of this.
I'm walking.

You can't.

Ha. Watch me.

[STRUTTING BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYS]

[LINK & STRANGEPORK CATCALLING]

Hubba-hubba.

What do you think you're doing?

Just what you told us to.

Yeah, you said "Watch me."

[HUMILIATING JINGLE PLAYS]

Hey.

Yeah? Yeah? Well, watch this. Hi-yah!

NARRATOR:
Tune in next week,

when serious charges are brought
against this week's Pigs in Space.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Entrez-toi.

-Did you want to see me, Miss Piggy?
-Oh, yes, Kermie, come in.

Oh, Kermie.

-Yes, Piggy?
-I have something...

very important to tell vous.

Uh... Yes, Piggy?

There is something you could do
that would make moi very, very happy.

Well, tell me what it is.

You know what it is.

I...

I do?

Of course you do. You must. Oh!

Piggy, are you trying to say...?

Yes, Kermit.

My dressing room sink is stopped up again.

-I'll send Scooter up with a plunger.
-Good.

No, wait. Kermie, Kermie, don't.

Not this door.

-Don't go out this door.
-Why not?

Because, Kermie,

I have this feeling there is something
terrible outside, waiting.

Piggy, don't be silly. There's nothing
outside that door to worry about.

Yes, there is.
There's something out there.

There's something evil. And monstrous.

I can feel it,
lurking and waiting to pounce.

Piggy. That's just the door
to the corridor.

-Now get out of my way, Piggy.
-No. I won't let you.

Get back from the door. Piggy. Listen.
Piggy. You're going to stand back.

No! No! No!

-You see, Piggy? There's nothing out here.
-Don't!

There's nothing out here at all.

[PIGGY SCREAMS]

That's Dudley's music machine.

[PLAYS FANFARE]

It's that stupid music machine.
What are you doing in my dressing room?

I said, what are you doing
in my dressing room?

I am getting out of here.

[STRUTTING BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYS]

LINK:
Whoo-hoo!

Oh, boy. Mm-hm.

Hubba-hubba.

[PIGGY SCREAMS]

Hey, chicky baby.

Sooey, sooey.

[SCATTING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

-Hey, Dudley.
-Hey, Floyd.

Yeah, is it okay
if me and my friend come in?

-Yeah. Sure.
-Oh, good.

[ANIMAL PANTING]

If this is your friend,
I'd hate to meet your enemies.

Yeah, well, listen.
As members of the band...

Band.

...we come here to have it out with you
about this music machine you got.

Right. Yeah, uh, I know we have
differing opinions on the subject,

so it's probably best to talk about it.

-Yeah, I'm glad you feel that way.
-Yeah. Well, uh...

Why don't we openly and freely
express our feelings on the subject?

-Good.
-Yeah, yeah.

I feel that that cheap jive jukebox

is gonna put an end to the gig
for the band, man.

I mean, we haven't worked all night,
and it's your fault.

ANIMAL:
Your fault, Dudley.

Dudley.

-Well--
-Comes pay packet time,

old man frog gonna wonder why
he's paying legal tender on us.

On us.

Dudley.

Well...

Well-stated. Um...

I think it's a very succinct
and valid uh, expression

of your opinion.

I, on the other hand, feel that, uh...

technological advances should not be...

[ANIMAL PANTING]

...viewed, uh, as an enemy.

I mean, after all, uh...

great triumphs of science, um...

Uh, are also true advances
of the human spirit.

And I don't feel that we should--

Ahem.

um, let temporary or personal
considerations stand in the way.

How do you feel about that, Animal?

k*ll!

k*ll!

k*ll!

All right! Anything you like!
Anything you say! Please. Anything.

-Hey. Sit.
-Sit.

-Heel.
-Heel.

Well, I didn't realize he was president
of your debating society.

[ANIMAL YELLING]

Okay, now I have a real treat
for all you fear and culture lovers.

It's time once again for Gonzo the Great.

Gonzo apparently has
a real crazy act tonight.

He won't even tell me what it is,
but I do have this message:

We have to ask for complete
and total silence from everyone.

[M.A.M.M.A. BEEPING]

Shh.

[BEEPS]

And now, Gonzo the Great.

[QUIET DRUM ROLL]

Thank you, thank you.

I must have complete silence
for this act, please.

Ahem. Thank you.

I shall now recite from the works
of Percy Bysshe Shelley while,

and at the same time,

defusing this high expl*sive b*mb.

[SIGHS]

Hail to thee, blithe Spirit

Bird thou--

[TICKING]

Bird thou never wert

[TICKING CONTINUES AND M.A.M.M.A. WHIRS]

That from Heaven or near it
Pourest thy full heart

In profuse strains of unpremeditated art

[M.A.M.M.A PLAYS LOUD CHORD,
GONZO SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

What a finish.

[LAUGHS]

FLOYD:
Ha! Look at this.

[ANIMAL LAUGHS]

Hey, guys? Uh, guys?

Uh, listen, would you all do me
a big favor and, uh, finish the show?

Whoa!

Why? Is anything wrong,
little swamp brother?

Yeah, well, see, Dudley's music machine
seems to be on the sick list, and...

"Seems to be."

Well, maybe it'll still work.

[PLAYING KABUKI MUSIC]

Japanese Kabuki music?

Listen, guys,
if you all will finish up the show,

I promise I will never even think
of using another band.

Let us deliberate.

ANIMAL:
No. No.

No. No, no, no.

Pretty please with cream and sugar on top?

Okay. You got it.

Okay.

Oh, good, good. Thank you so much.

Ha, ha. Let's show him
what a band sounds like.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

appearing next is
our own wonderful Muppet band

with Mr. Dudley Moore.

Yay!

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[ANIMAL DRUMMING HEAVILY]

Animal, keep it low. Animal!

Hey! Animal!

Animal. Hey.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
it has been a splendid evening,

marred only by the fact
that we blew up half the theater.

But before we go, let us have
one last round of applause

for our very special guest star,
Mr. Dudley Moore!

Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you. Thank you very much, Kermit.

It's been a real pleasure playing
the remains of the Muppet Theatre.

Uh, yeah, and I'm sorry to say
that we broke your machine.

Oh, no trouble.
I'm happy to say I fixed it again.

Oh. I'm sorry to say I liked it better
when it was broken.

Oh.

Uh, I'll just program it
for the, uh, closing theme.

Well, there's nothing left for me to say,

but we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

[M.A.M.M.A PLAYING STRUTTING
BROADWAY MUSIC]

[PLAYING DISCO MUSIC]

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[PLAYING STRUTTING BROADWAY MUSIC]

[PLAYING MEDLEY OF MUSICAL STYLES]

So they blew up half the theater.

At least they blew up the right half.

[IN UNISON] Theirs.