04x07 - Dudley Moore

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, Arthur. Arthur Godfrey.

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Godfrey.

Arthur Godfrey?

You better check with your boss.
I'm Arlo. Arlo Guthrie.

Oh, yeah, Arlo Guthrie.
Of course. I'm sorry, Arlo.

Gee, I wish Kermit would learn
how to type. His handwriting's terrible.

It's The Muppet Show, with our very
special guest star, Arlo Guthrie! Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

What's this fish doing in our box?

The same as us. Suffering!

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[YELLS]

[BELLOWS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Good evening, good evening.

I am the Frog, you are the audience,
and this is The Muppet Show.

It works out kind of nice that way.

Another thing that's nice
is that our special guest star

is that great singer of folk songs,
Mr. Arlo Guthrie.

So we're just going to lay back, relax,
and spend a quiet family evening.

Welcome to our house.

♪ Deedle-ee dum, deedle-ee dum
Deedle-ee dum, dee, dum, dum ♪

Yeah, yeah. You can see everybody's
gathered around the old homestead here.

Uh, the family's here.
Granny and the baby,

and the bear, and the band, and over
at the piano, Mr. Arlo Guthrie! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ I went down to the grocery store
Forgetting I had to pay a dime or more ♪

♪ I hadn't yet begun to start ♪

♪ When I had to pay the rent
On the shopping cart ♪

♪ Deedle-ee dum, deedle-ee dum
Deedle-ee dum, dee, dum, dum ♪

♪ Well, I left the kids loose
On the floor ♪

♪ And they ran around
For a while or more ♪

♪ When the manager
With the broken smile said ♪

♪ "It's a dollar down
and a quarter an aisle" ♪

♪ Deedle-ee dum, deedle-ee dum
Deedle-ee dum, dee, dum, dum ♪

Hmm, hmm. Off to the grocery store.

♪ I was down in the freezer
Upon my knees ♪

♪ Somebody was yelling that
The price got freezed ♪

♪ There was a rioting mob
A strangling hold ♪

♪ And I received the bill
For the escaping cold ♪

♪ Deedle-ee dum, deedle-ee dum
Deedle-ee dum, dee, dum, dum ♪

[GOBBLING]

♪ It was about this time
That I was going insane ♪

♪ I went and picked the kids up
In the other lane ♪

♪ Put back the food
And ran out of the store ♪

♪ I ain't going back to that place
No more ♪

♪ Deedle-ee dum, deedle-ee dum
Deedle-ee dum, dee, dum, dum ♪

♪ Well, I'm telling the truth
Now, I don't fib ♪

♪ I don't mind no woman's lib ♪

♪ But if my woman don't want
To go down to the store ♪

♪ The family isn't gonna eat no more ♪

♪ Deedle-ee dum, deedle-ee dum
Deedle-ee dum, dee, dum, dum ♪

♪ I mean ♪

♪ Deedle-ee dum, deedle-ee dum
Deedle-ee dum, dee, dum, dum ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well, I wonder why
they didn't just let Arlo do a solo.

They were afraid if they left him alone,
he'd make a run for it.

Okay, very nice, guys.
Very folksy, very friendly, very homely.

Who you calling homely?

Home-like, home-like.

Whoo. Don't be so touchy.

Whoo!

Winny, what's the Chef doing up there
with all those dishes?

Oh, well, when Chef and I heard you were
having a big family gathering on the show,

we decided you should have a proper meal.

Well, that's true.

So we got out the crockery,
and now Chef can start cooking.

Yeah, but-- Oh.
Oh, Chef? Chef, we're having it catered.

It's just I thought the Chef would like
a day off, and I know this great caterer.

[CHEF SOBBING]

Uh, Chef. Chef, wait a minute. On the
other hand, Chef, hold it. Wait a second.

I've changed my mind. You can cook dinner.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

But, Chef?
Be careful with those glass dishes.

[WINNY LAUGHS]

What a sense of humor.

Yeah, we call him the Swedish Noel Coward.

And now, direct from
the Chicago Livestock Board,

here are the gestation periods.

BABY:
"Gestation."

Yes. Anyhow, gestation periods.

Pigs, 113 days. Cows, 284 days.

Horses, 337 days. And elephants, 645 days.

Elsewhere on the agricultural news front,
the recent bumper crop

has been causing problems for farmers.

Widespread dumping of produce
has resulted from this bumper crop.

Bumper crop.

I've come out here in the pasture
to prove a point.

The point is that there's
as much sophistication and style

out here in the country
as there is on Broadway.

Presenting Aunt Melba's Guernsey Cotillion
with a little "Elegance."

[MOOING]

♪ All who are well-bred agree
That us girls got pedigree ♪

♪ Exercise your wildest whims tonight
We are out with Diamond Jim tonight ♪

♪ Could they be misleading us?
Silver spoons were used for feeding us ♪

♪ We got elegance
If you ain't got elegance ♪

♪ You can never ever carry it off ♪

♪ Middle class, don't speak of it ♪

♪ Savoir faire, we reek of it ♪

♪ Some are born with rags and patches
But we use dollar bills for matches and ♪

♪ Vanderbilts kowtow to us
J.P. Morgans scrape and bow to us ♪

♪ We got elegance ♪

[TAPPING]

♪ You can never ever carry it off ♪

♪ We got elegance
We were born with elegance ♪

♪ Have you noticed when I hold my cup
The saucer never moves? ♪

♪ And the way I keep my pinky up
Indubitably proves that ♪

♪ We got elegance
We got built-in elegance ♪

-♪ And with elegance ♪
-♪ Elegance ♪

-♪ Elegance ♪
-♪ Elegance ♪

♪ Elegance ♪

♪ We'll carry it off ♪

[MOOING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[CLUCKING]

Hey, those heifers
are pretty good hoofers.

Yeah, just hope
it doesn't curdle the milk.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

Excuse me.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Roast turkey.

Here we have the turkey.
Here, turkey, turkey.

[GOBBLING]

Oh, sweet turkey.
Nice mwah-mwah-mwah, turkey.

Okay. We roast the turkey. Here we go.

Okay, turkey. Here we go.

Now we skewer the turkey.

Okay, ready? Here we go.

Ready? Here I go. One, two, three.

Hey, Arlo, hey. I was wondering
if you could help me tune my guitar.

Oh, sure. Come in, Gonzo.
You know, I love guitars.

Oh, yeah. Well, this one's a beauty.

It's a custom job
I had shipped in from Miami.

-Wow. A real flamingo guitar.
-Yeah.

[PLAYS SPANISH MATADOR TUNE]

Olé!

GRAMPS:
And it's time for the square dance.

♪ One for the money
Two for the show ♪

♪ Grab your partner
Here we go ♪

♪ Now turn to the left
Turn to the right ♪

♪ Hold your honey
And hold her tight ♪

♪ Prettiest tune that's ever been played ♪

♪ Swing your partner, promenade ♪

♪ A kitten's a cat
A doe's a deer ♪

♪ Take your finger
And stick it in your ear ♪

-Huh?
-Okay.

♪ Now allemande right with a do-si-do
Prance, little darlings, heel and toe ♪

♪ Cows can moo
And crows can caw ♪

♪ Ladies, make a fist
And punch him in the jaw ♪

♪ Men, to the center
Crying in pain ♪

♪ Turn to the ladies
Who do it again ♪

♪ Pins and needles
Needles and pins ♪

♪ Men get even
Kick them in the shins ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

♪ I had a horse and his name was Bill ♪

♪ When he ran he couldn't stand still
He ran away ♪

-When?
-♪ One day ♪

Oh!

♪ And also I ran with him ♪

Hey, sing one.

♪ He ran so fast he couldn't stop
He ran into a barber shop ♪

-♪ And fell exhaustionized ♪
-How?

-♪ With his eyeteeth ♪
-Oh yeah?

♪ In the barber's left shoulder ♪

♪ Well I went up in a balloon so big ♪

♪ The people on earth
They looked like a pig ♪

-♪ Like mice ♪
-They do?

-♪ Like a katydids ♪
-They don’t did?

♪ Like flyses and like fleases ♪

What's that?

♪ The balloon turned up
With its bottom side high ♪

♪ It fell on the wife of a country squire
She made a noise like a hound dog ♪

Like a steam whistle.

♪ And also, like dynamite ♪

Kaboom!

♪ Oh, what, could you do
In a case like that ♪

♪ What can you do
But stamp on your hat ♪

♪ Or a toothbrush ♪

♪ Or your grandmother ♪

-Or anything...
-Yeah Bubba?

...that's helpless. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, that was different.

I should say so.

So many of these songs
are long and boring.

Yes, they've finally managed
one short and boring!

Does that mean
they're getting better or worse?

[PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]

I'm happy to sing this song
to you dogies tonight.

You know, that's just what they
used to call you. It's not about dogs.

This is an old song, a cowboy song.
And it goes like this.

♪ As I was out riding
One morning for pleasure ♪

♪ I spied a cowpuncher here
Riding alone ♪

♪ His hat was throwed back
And his spurs was a-jingling ♪

♪ And as he approached me
He was singing this song ♪

♪ Whoopee ti yi yo ♪

♪ Get along ♪

♪ Little dogie ♪

♪ It's your misfortune ♪

♪ Ain't none of my own ♪

♪ Whoopee ti yi yo
Get along, little dogie ♪

♪ You know that Wyoming
Will be your new home ♪

Sounds like a nice song.

[COWS MOOING]

Until you know the truth of it.

You know, these songs were sung
by lying cowboys.

What does that mean?

"Whoopee ti yi yo.
Get along, little dogies"?

"It's your misfortune.
Ain't none of my own."

That means the cowboy, he's got a g*n.

And the dogies is unarmed.

Then he goes on to say,

"Whoopee ti yi yo.
Get along, little dogies.

You know that Wyoming
will be your new home."

And a lot of bull that is.

Wyoming's not gonna be their new home.

They're gonna be inside a tin can
outside of Kansas City.

♪ Now some of the boys
Go on the trail for the pleasure ♪

♪ But that's where they get it
Most awfully wrong ♪

Nothing left of this song...

but the cowboy and his g*n.

♪ Whoopee ti yi yo ♪

♪ Get along ♪

♪ Little dogie ♪

♪ It's your misfortune ♪

♪ Ain't none of my own ♪

♪ Whoopee ti yi yo
Get along, little dogie ♪

♪ You know that Wyoming ♪

♪ Will be your new home ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

No roast turkey.

The roast piggy.

Piggy, piggy, piggy. Here, piggy.
Sooey! Piggy, piggy.

Sooey piggy, piggy, piggy.

[GROANING]

No roast piggy.

Uh...

Here. Beef. Roast beef.

Here, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy.

[MOOING]

Hey, Kermit. Kermit. I am ready to do
my Robert Frost poetry reading.

Fozzie, you can't do poetry on this show.

Kermit, uh, look at all these cows.

This show needs
every bit of class it can get.

Anyway, Kermit, my poetry's just as good
as my comedy.

It's that bad, huh?

Kermit, I memorized the whole poem.

-Okay, Fozzie.
-Please.

You can do your poetry,
but just make it snappy.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Okay, Kermit,
I'm ready for my tango number.

Uh, Gonzo, not on this show.
Maybe next week.

Kermit, Kermit,
perfection cannot be denied.

Yippee!

Halt.

"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"
by Robert Frost. Ahem.

Whose woods these are I think I know
His house is in the village though

He will not mind if I stay here
To watch his woods fill up with snow

My little horse must think it q*eer--

-Stop with that one--
-[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]

Olé!

-Kermit!
-Arriba!

-Kermit!
-Enchilada!

-Oh, no. Gonzo.
-Olé!

-Kermit.
-Fozzie, you said you'd make it fast.

Now hurry up.

But Gonzo just came in--

Oh, boy, where was I?

Who cares?

Get to the good part
where I shake my harness bell.

[BELLS JINGLE]

Oh. Uh, yeah, right, right.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake

Let's see. Uh, oh, yeah.

The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake

You-- Gonzo!

♪ I know a dark, secluded place
A place where no one knows your face ♪

♪ A glass of wine, a fast embrace ♪

♪ It's called Chez Gonzo's Hideaway, olé ♪

♪ The woods are lovely, dark and deep
And I have promises to keep ♪

♪ And miles to go before I sleep ♪

♪ And miles to go before I sleep, olé ♪

Ow! Will you get that whip...?

Will you stop with that whip?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Was that supposed to be poetry?

Yes, the bear has gone from bad to verse.

[GROANING AND SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

I come and make the stew.

[ANIMALS VOCALIZING]

No, no, no. No turkey stew,
no piggy stew, no beef stew.

The veggie weggie stew.

[YELLING]

Okay, well, while the Chef sends out
for a pizza or something...

[GROANS]

-Um...
-[MUSIC PLAYING NEARBY]

I think I hear music coming
from the living room.

The music of Mr. Arlo Guthrie.

[PLAYING "SAILING DOWN THIS GOLDEN RIVER"]

♪ Sailing down my golden river ♪

♪ Sun and water all my own ♪

♪ Yet I was never alone ♪

♪ Sun and water, old life givers ♪

♪ I'll have them where'er I roam ♪

♪ And I was not far from home ♪

♪ Sunlight glancing on the water ♪

♪ Life and death are all my own ♪

♪ Yet I was never alone ♪

♪ Life for all my sons and daughters ♪

♪ Golden sparkles in the foam ♪

♪ And I was not far from home ♪

♪ Sailing down this winding highway ♪

♪ Travelers from near and far ♪

♪ Yet I was never alone ♪

♪ Exploring all the little byways ♪

♪ Sighting all the distant stars ♪

♪ And I was not far from home ♪

♪ Sailing down my golden river ♪

♪ Sun and water all my own ♪

♪ Yet I was never alone ♪

♪ Sun and water, old life givers ♪

♪ I'll have them where'er I roam ♪

♪ And I was not far from home ♪

♪ Yet I was never alone ♪

♪ And I was not far from home ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

We've just about reached the end of
our day down here on the old homestead.

And as the sun sinks slowly in the West,

the entire family gathers around
the traditional table for a great feast.

We say thank you
to our very special guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Arlo Guthrie! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, thank you, Kermit.
You know, I've had a wonderful time.

But can we carve the turkey now?

GONZO:
Yeah, I'm starving.

[TURKEY GOBBLING]

Well, maybe no turkey,
but, uh, what are we gonna have?

Well, I'm certain that the Swedish Chef

has cooked up something for us.
Right, Chef?

[CHEF SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

MUPPET:
What? It's vitamin pills.

PIGGY:
Vitamin pills? Chef! Crazy Chef!

[ALL SHOUTING]

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Well, as they say in France, adios.

Uh, that's Spanish.

I know. I don't speak French.