04x13 - Dizzy Gillespie

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

DYAN:
Come in.

Dyan Cannon.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Dyan.

Oh, hi, Scooter.

Thank you. Warn me
when it's time to go on-stage, will you?

Oh, well, that's not for a long time.

First you gotta worry about the curtain.

Oh, no, I don't.

[SCREAMS]

Yes, you do.

It's The Muppet Show,
with our very special guest star,

Dyan Cannon. Whoo!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

[DOG BARKS]

Who let that dog loose in here?

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

He's not home.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We've got a wonderful show for you tonight

because our very special guest star
is Miss Dyan Cannon.

But first, to get things started--

[BARKING]

What is this?

A dog? Uh, Piggy! Piggy!
Will you come take your dog off the stage?

Get down.

Isn't that adorable?

It is not adorable.
The dog is on the stage.

Is the funny, furry Foo-Foo
on Dada's stage?

I am not this dog's dada, Piggy!

Oh, pardonez us, everyone.

"Pardonez us, everyone"? What's that?

That is French.

Pardonez us, everyone.

All vous knows is swamp talk.

Will you just get this dog off the stage?

Kermie, Kermie, Foo-Foo only wants
to say hello to Dada.

He wants to rip off my flipper.

Oh, make friends, make friends.

Say "ooh-dee-boo."
Say "ooh-dee-boo-boo-boo."

Say what?

Say "ooh-dee-boo-boo-boo-boo"?

Ooh-dee-boo-boo-boo.
Now will you get off the stage?

-Oh, come here, Foo-Foo.
-Off, off!

Oh, let's leave old, bad-tempered froggy
alone now.

-Ooh-dee-boo-boo-boo.
-Ooh-dee--

Dumb dog.

Anyhow, as an opening number, you know,
there are a lot of complaints today

about wild-eyed youths
playing mindless rock.

Well, to counteract that

here are some wild-eyed old people
playing mindless rock.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Geri and the Atrics! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING "HOUND DOG"]

♪ You ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪

♪ Crying all the time ♪

♪ You ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪

♪ Crying all the time ♪

♪ Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit
And you ain't no friend of mine ♪

♪ When they said you was high-classed ♪

♪ Well, that was just a lie ♪

♪ When they said you was high-classed ♪

♪ Well, that was just a lie ♪

♪ Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit
And you ain't no friend of... ♪

♪ You ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪

♪ Crying all the time ♪

♪ You ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪

♪ Crying all the time ♪

♪ You have never caught a rabbit ♪

♪ And you're certainly
Not a friend of mine ♪

[BARKING]

Come on, girls.

♪ You ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪

♪ Crying all the time ♪

♪ You ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪

♪ Crying all the time ♪

♪ Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit
And you ain't no friend of mine ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Bravo, bravo! Oh, they were terrific.

Well, they should be.

They've been practicing since 1908.

Okay. Good work, Geri.
Nicely wheezed, Atrics.

Why, don't that song just break
your heart?

No, but it slows down my pacemaker.

-Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie.
-Hm?

I have to go rehearse
Veterinarian's Hospital.

Would you please watch Foo-Foo
for a while?

Thank you. Stay.

[STAMMERING]

Yeah, but, Piggy, you can't just--

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, good grief.

Hey, let's go see this jungle number.

Wait a second.
I have to go introduce Dyan Cannon.

Would you take care of Foo-Foo, Scooter?

I have to tell Dyan she's on.
Take care of Foo-Foo, Fozzie.

Uh, listen...
uh, I've got a date with a polar bear.

Take care of Foo-Foo, Gonzo.

Oh, I've got an anvil in the oven.

Take care of Foo-Foo, Floyd.

I think I got the whooping cough.

Take care of Foo-Foo, will you, uh...?

Oh, no.

[BARKS]

[MIMICS FANFARE]

[FANFARE PLAYS]

That's what I said.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight
is one of Hollywood's nicest ladies.

She's a wonderful actress,
a terrific director,

and a doer of goofy stuff,
like the following.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Dyan Cannon!

Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[DRUMS b*ating AND BIRDS SINGING]

[YELLING]

♪ Oh, bongo, bongo, bongo
I don't want to leave the Congo ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Isn't that right, darling? ♪

♪ Oh, bingle, bangle, bungle
We're so happy in this jungle ♪

♪ We refuse to go ♪

[SCREAMS]

♪ Don't want no bright lights ♪

♪ False teeth, doorbells, landlords
We make it clear ♪

♪ That no matter how they coax us ♪

♪ We'll stay right here ♪

[MONKEYS GIBBERING]

♪ They hurry like savages
To get aboard a subway train ♪

♪ And though it's smoky and it's crowded
They are too civilized to complain ♪

♪ At the movies they have got
To pay many coconuts to see ♪

♪ Uncivilized pictures
That the camera takes of me ♪

♪ Oh, bongo, bongo, bongo
We don't want to leave the Congo ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Oh, bingle, bangle, bungle
We're so happy in the jungle ♪

♪ We refuse to go ♪

♪ Don't want no penthouse
Bathtub, discos, taxis ♪

♪ Noise in our ear ♪

♪ So no matter how they coax us
We'll stay right here ♪

[ANIMALS VOCALIZING]

♪ Oh, bongo, bongo, bongo
We don't want to leave the Congo ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Bingle, bangle, bungle
We're so happy in the jungle ♪

♪ We refuse to go ♪

♪ Don't want no shotgun, jailhouse ♪

-♪ Junk food ♪
-♪ Punk rock ♪

-♪ Sitcoms ♪
-♪ Liquor bottle ♪

-♪ Smokestacks ♪
-♪ White wine ♪

-♪ Freeways ♪
-♪ Beer cans ♪

♪ Muppet shows ♪

♪ We'll make it clear ♪

♪ That no matter how they coax us ♪

♪ We'll stay right here ♪

♪ Civilization ♪

♪ We'll stay right here ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Was that Dyan?

Sure it was. Didn't you recognize her?

I thought she wore a black patch
over one eye.

No, that's her sister, Marsha Dyan.

Okay, Dyan is in good form tonight.

-Ah, drum lady. Drum lady.
-Yes.

-Hubba-hubba!
-Mm.

Drum lady, drum lady.

Floyd and Gonzo, on-stage
for the doggie in the window number.

[DOGS BARKING AND GONZO WHISTLES]

-What?
-Hold it! Hold it!

Cancel the number. Floyd can't perform.

Okay, cancel the doggie number.

[DOGS HOWLING]

Out, out, out. Come on, back, dog.
Back, back, back to the kennels.

What's wrong with Floyd, Gonzo?

Nothing. He's promised
to take care of Miss Piggy's puppy dog.

Oh, good grief. That dog is a pain.

Well, Kermit, can't you do something?
I mean, you're the dog's dada.

[GROANS]

I am not that dog's dada!

That's it, Foo-Foo, come to Momma.
All the way down.

[PIGGY BABY-TALKS]

Yes, here, I'll help you up.

[GRUNTS]

There. Now, Floyd, you only have
to watch over Foo-Foo for a little while.

Just until I've done
Veterinarian's Hospital.

Well, make it fast, okay?

Mm-hm. Okay, now just remember,

all of Foo-Foo's things
are right here on the table.

There's her brush,
and there's her angora sweater.

[GROWLS THEN BARKS]

-Ha! Isn't that cute?
-Heh. Yeah.

Oh, and there is her little bowl
and her little spoon.

You want I should spoon feed her?

Oh, oh, oh, Floyd,
don't forget her dental floss right there.

-What?
-Mm-hm.

Especially around her back teeth.

Little bits of lamb chops get stuck there.

I don't believe this.

-[BARKING]
-Hey!

-Floyd?
-Yes, yes.

Now, you two have a wonderful time.

Kissy kissy, Foo-Foo.

Don't worry your head, mama.
We're gonna have a swell time,

me and little puppy Foo-Foo here.

Yeah, I got the brush to brush her,
the coat to keep her warm,

the spoon to feed her, and a nice,
safe place to keep the little puppy dog.

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, indeed.

[GROWLING]

Breathe through the keyhole, turkey dog.

NARRATOR:
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

You know, this patient looks
like my last patient.

I know she does, but it isn't.

This one's still breathing.

Does that mean I still have a chance?

Well, you did till you came in here.

-Dr. Bob, this is an elderly patient.
-Hm?

I hope you don't do any jokes
about her age.

If I can't do old jokes,
you're taking away my best sh*ts.

Your only sh*ts.

Lady, how old are you?

Young man, I am an octogenarian.

I asked your age, not your religion.

-Dr. Bob.
-I just wanted to make a little joke.

Did you want to make it that little?

Young man, young man,
do you know what an octogenarian is?

Sure. You're like a vegetarian,
only you eat octopuses.

Dr. Bob, please. This patient is dying.

She's dying? We're all dying.

We need a little help
from the man upstairs.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Thank you.

Tune in next week
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

Oh, Dr. Bob,
the patient is at death's door.

Don't worry. I'll pull her through.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-Mm-hm. Come in.
-Hey, Dyan. Is everything okay?

Hi, Kermit. Sure, everything's fine.

Uh, is the wig all right?

I was going to ask you about that.
I'm not wearing a wig in the show.

Oh, no, it's not to wear.

It's a, uh, pet wig.

[GROWLING]

Uh, it belongs to Smiling Jim Sepulveda
and his Tap-Dancing Toupees.

I've never seen a pet wig.
What do you feed them?

Oh, anything. Uh, table scraps mostly.

-Really? Table scraps?
-Mm-hm.

You mean, uh...

[DISHES BREAKING]

Like this?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING MELANCHOLY MELODY]

Now, here's a lovely song

that's about an old dog friend of mine

who's no longer with us.

His name was...

Well, his name was Trey.

And it goes like this.

♪ What gentler eye ♪

♪ What nobler heart ♪

♪ Doth warm the winter's day ♪

♪ Than the true blue orb ♪

♪ And the oaken core ♪

♪ Of beloved Old Dog Trey ♪

[DOGS HOWLING TO MELODY]

Modulate!

♪ What gentler eye ♪

♪ What nobler heart ♪

♪ Doth warm the winter's day ♪

♪ Than the true blue orb ♪

♪ And the oaken core ♪

♪ Of beloved ♪

♪ Old Dog Trey ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

...hotty doggy.

...hotty potty. Woo-woo-woo.

Doggy into the potty.

VOICE:
Psst. Psst. Psst.

-Hello? Huh?
-Psst. Psst. Psst.

Chef, Chef, Chef.

Have you seen Foo-Foo?

-Foo-Foo?
-Foo-Foo, my dog, you twit.

-Dog?
-Yes.

Oh! The dog is in the potty.

-What?
-Yeah. Eat doggy, yeah?

What--? Foo-Foo! Why...?!

Hi-yah!

[CHEF CHUCKLES]

Piggy eatie hot doggy?

I don't understand him.

Why doesn't he go back to what he
was doing before he became a chef?

-What was that?
-Nothing.

-Foo-Foo!
DYAN: Piggy, Miss Piggy.

Foo-Foo.

Oh, Miss Piggy, did you see
the fantastic dance set Kermit did?

-What's the matter, darling?
-Foo-Foo.

Foo-Foo, yes, your dog.
I hear she's absolutely adorable.

-Gone!
-What do you mean, gone?

I can't find Foo-Foo anywhere.

Wait a minute,
she's bound to show up, isn't she?

No, you mustn't cry now.
Come on, calm down.

Oh, help me.

-Where are your tissues?
-They're in the drawer.

-Over here? Piggy, come on now, calm down.
-[WHIMPERING]

Here, sweetheart.

Let me dry your eyes. Give me a blow now.

Good, darling. You dry off.
You must contain yourself.

Uh, Piggy, Dyan, on-stage
for your big production number, please.

-All right. Now, come on.
-Oh, I can't.

Oh, Dyan, I must find Foo-Foo first.

-Piggy, it's time to do the number.
-I can't.

-No.
-Now, listen to me.

Do you know where you are?
I think you've forgotten where you are.

Piggy, this is the theater,
and you are a star.

Now, you must go on, Piggy.

I mean, the whole world expects it of you,
don't they?

Your loyal fans expect it of you, Piggy.
Your frog expects it of you.

[PIGGY HUMMING]

Yes, yes, you must look away
from the tragedy.

You must fight back the tears
and you must look to the footlights.

Yes, Piggy. Yes, this is your legend
and this is your life.

-Yes, Dyan.
-Yes.

-Hand me my wrap.
-Yes, your wrap.

I shall go on as a superstar.

Yes, yes. Here you are.

Thank you, Dyan. Thank you, Foo-Foo.

Foo-Foo!

-Oh, Foo-Foo. Foo-Foo, she's come back.
-Oh, Foo-Foo.

She's come back to you.

Uh, excuse me.
Uh, listen, you guys took so long,

so we had to cancel the number.

BOTH:
Cancel the number?

Why, you!

Piggy, wait a second. I can explain-- Aah!

[CRASHING]

Do you think this show constitutes
cruelty to animals?

Not unless they're watching it.

Drums! My drums, my drums!

Uh, no, no, no, Animal.
Those are practice drums.

They're Dyan Cannon's.

-Cannons?
-Mm-hm.

My cannons! My cannons!

No, no, no, they are drums.

My drums! My drums!

I give up.

Frog give up.

Will you get out of here?

Floyd, aren't you in the band
for the closing number?

Mm-mm. Can't, man. I promised I'd go
have a chat with the pork princess.

Oh, boy. If I were Floyd,
I wouldn't do that,

because maybe Miss Piggy has realized

that he's the one that stuffed Foo-Foo
into the drawer.

PIGGY:
Hi-yah!

Uh, strike the "maybe."

[FANFARE PLAYS]

Uh, well, folks, I suppose you've noticed

that there have been a lot of canines
on tonight's show.

Uh, in fact, I suppose you could say
that the whole show has gone to the dogs.

Uh, you could say that,
but I certainly wouldn't.

Why not say it?

Some folks think going to the dogs
is a very good thing.

Indeed, indeed. Uh, my feelings exactly.

-Uh, thank you. sir.
-Hm.

Uh, that's why we've sent our guest star
down to the pet shop,

and here she is, ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Dyan Cannon! Yay!

[DOGS BARKING]

[BAND PLAYING "BIG SPENDER"]

♪ The minute I walked in the joint ♪

♪ We could see
You were a girl of distinction ♪

♪ A real big spender ♪

♪ Good looking, so refined ♪

♪ Say wouldn't you like to know
What's going on in my mind? ♪

♪ So let me get right to the point ♪

♪ I don't pop my cork
For every dog I see ♪

♪ Hey, big spender ♪

[HOWLING]

♪ Spend a little time with me ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to have
Fun, fun, fun? ♪

♪ How's about a few laughs, laughs? ♪

♪ I can show you a good time ♪

♪ Let us show you a good time ♪

Yes, you, too.

Hi, sweetheart.

You're so handsome here, aren't you?
Aren't you handsome?

♪ Wouldn't you like to be mine? ♪

♪ Yours? ♪

♪ Mine ♪

♪ We could have a good time ♪

♪ Fine ♪

♪ Time ♪

♪ I could get you a big bone ♪

♪ Would you take me to your home? ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ The minute you walked in the shop ♪

♪ I could see you were
A dog of distinction ♪

♪ A real class spaniel ♪

♪ Good looking, so refined ♪

♪ I'm sure you know by now
What's going on in my mind ♪

♪ So let me get right to the point ♪

♪ I don't wag my tail
For every girl I see ♪

♪ Hey, big spender ♪

♪ Hey, big spender ♪

♪ Hey, big spender ♪

♪ Spend ♪

♪ A little time with me ♪

♪ I'll take you home with me ♪

♪ We'll live so happily ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, well, it has been quite a show
and I have certainly had a good time.

Kermie, Kermie, Kermie.
Oh! Oh! Oh, I found Foo-Foo. Aw.

Uh, so much for good times.

Hey, guys, has anybody seen Floyd?

Oh, don't worry about Floyd.

He can breathe through the keyhole.

What?

It's time now
to thank our wonderful guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Dyan Cannon! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you very much.

And thank you, Kermit.

Oh, that's such a cute little dog.
You must be proud of him, Dada.

I am not that dog's dada.

JANICE:
You're his dada?

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

-Well, I think I'll go to the dentist.
-Now?

Sure. After this show, nothing hurts.