04x15 - Anne Murray

[bunniefuu]

[KNOCKING]

Lynda Carter. Lynda Carter?

I know, I know, Scoots.
It's 20 seconds to curtain.

You can read my mind.

I'm not reading your mind.
I'm reading my script.

Huh? What? Oh, no, no.

Kermit wouldn't allow a script
on this show.

-Everything we say on here is ad lib.
-Everything we say on here is ad lib.

It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star Lynda Carter.

Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

-Don't start.
-We haven't left yet.

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PLAYS HIGH NOTE]

[SLURPING]

What an embarrassment.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you.

Hello there, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

And we have a fantastic show
for you tonight

because our very special guest
is that lovely star

of television's Wonder Woman,
Miss Lynda Carter.

[CROWD WHOOPING]

Yes. But right now,
let's get the show started with--

Kermie, Kermie. Excusez-moi, excusez-moi.

Kermie, heh, you forgot to mention
the sketch I'm in. Ha.

I didn't forget.
I just didn't think it was important.

[LAUGHS]

You didn't.

-Important, but not that important.
-Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

I mean, it's not like
it was a matter of life and death.

-You sure about that?
-Uh, ladies and gentleman,

later on in the show, our own Miss Piggy
will be portraying a brand new character,

Wonder Pig.

Wonder Pig?

-Thank you, Kermie.
-Uh, you're welcome.

Isn't it great to be alive?

Uh, which reminds me of our opening
number, ladies and gentlemen.

How long has it been since you watched
a good old fashioned human sacrifice?

Hmm? Too long you say.

Well, watch this.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[DRUMMING AND CHANTING]

♪ What would you do
If I sang out of tune ♪

♪ Would you stand up and walk out on me? ♪

[ALL GRUNTING]

♪ Lend me your ears
And I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ And I'll try not to sing out of key ♪

♪ Oh, I get by with a little help
From my friends ♪

♪ I get high with a little help
From my friends ♪

♪ Gonna try with a little help
From my friends ♪

♪ Do you need anybody? ♪

♪ I need somebody to love ♪

♪ Could it be anybody? ♪

♪ I need a body to love ♪

Really.

♪ I get by with a little help
From my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna try with a little help
From my friends ♪

♪ Say goodbye with a little help
From my friends ♪

♪ Yes, I get by with a little help
From my ♪

♪ With a little help from my friends ♪

I think I just lost my lunch.

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You think the lobsters would share
their popcorn with us?

No chance. They're too shellfish.

You're too shellfish.

Okay, way to go pagans.

Nicely worshipped.

It's here, it's here.
My correspondence course.

Your correspondence course?

How to be a superhero.

[KERMIT GROANS]

Yeah, it comes complete with a helmet,

a cape, a red shirt,

and an instruction book called
Invincibility Made Easy.

I don't believe that.

I'm doing it because Wonder Woman
is on our show.

No, no. Lynda Carter is on our show.

She's not going to play
Wonder Woman tonight.

Well, that's just as well.

There'll be plenty of superheroes around.

What do you mean, "plenty"?

Well, everybody's taking the course.

Uh, let's see. "Lesson Two:

Deflecting b*ll*ts
with the magic gold bracelets."

Oh, hi, Kermit. What you doing?

Uh, just noticing that the season
has produced a bumper crop of nuts.

Sam, you know that human sacrifice
number at the top of the show?

Ugh, yes.

Well, is that kind of thing gonna be
going on throughout this entire show?

Oh, Miss Carter, I'm afraid so.

Good, because I loved it.

KERMIT:
Lynda, your number is next.

Thanks, Kermit.

-Congratulations.
-For what?

You're the next human to be sacrificed.

Uh, listen, Lynda, you know,
about this number you're about to do.

None of our band has rehearsed
this number.

Oh, that's okay. I brought my own band.

Oh, says the frog, feeling control
slipping through his fingers.

Don't worry about it, Kermit.
This is one terrific band.

What kind of band is it?

Oh, it's a rubber band.

[BAND PLAYING "THE RUBBERBAND MAN"]

♪ Hand me down my walking cane ♪

♪ Hand me down my hat ♪

♪ Hurry now and don't be late ♪

♪ 'Cause we ain't got time to chat ♪

♪ You and me we're goin' out
To catch the latest sound ♪

♪ Guaranteed to blow your mind
So high you won't come down ♪

♪ Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the rubber band ♪

-♪ Man ♪
-♪ You've never heard a sound ♪

♪ Like the rubber band ♪

-♪ Man ♪
-♪ You're bound to lose control ♪

♪ When the rubber band starts to jam ♪

Take it, Sam.

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen,
the Rubber Band Men.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Do-doop, doop, doop, doop, do-doop ♪

♪ Doop, doop, do-doop ♪

♪ Once I went to hear them play
At a club outside of town ♪

♪ I was so surprised
I was hypnotized ♪

♪ By the sound these cats put down ♪

♪ When I saw this short fat guy
Stretch a band between his toes ♪

♪ Hey, I laughed so hard
'Cause the man got down ♪

♪ When it finally reached his nose ♪

♪ Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the rubberband man ♪

♪ You've never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man ♪

-♪ You're bound to lose control ♪
-♪ Bound to lose control ♪

-♪ When the rubber band starts to jam ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Hit it, guys.

♪ Do-doop, doop, doop
Doop, doop, doop, do-doop ♪

♪ Rubberband, rubberband man ♪

♪ Do-doop, doop, doop, doop
Do-doop, do-doop ♪

♪ The rubberband, rubberband man ♪

♪ Do-doop, doop, doop, doop ♪
Do-doop, do-doop ♪

♪ Do-doop ♪

♪ Doop, doop, doop, do-doop ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

-Mm. What did you think of Lynda?
-Terrific.

Yeah, how about that Rubber Band?

Make them into a tire
and drive them to Pittsburgh.

Okay, hey, that was wonderful, Lynda.

Thank you very much.

Well, look at this, the apprentice
superheroes are still at it.

Boy, this Invincibility Made Easy
is some kind of crazy book.

"Chapter Four: Vanishing.

To vanish, it requires several minutes
of hard work to achieve."

Shazam. Shazam.

"Bending steel bars is simple

if you have a pure heart
and clean thoughts."

Uh, let's see.

"Swinging from building to building
on a rope should be practiced, uh,

perhaps by starting
swinging across a room."

Ah! Right.

Uh, then of course there's Lew Zeeland.

He's practicing x-ray vision.

"Pick a closed door." Yeah. Uh...

"Stare at it for several seconds

and suddenly the door will seem to vanish

and you'll see inside the room."
Oh, gotcha.

[FOZZIE YELLING]

I can see a room!

I have x-ray vision!

Here's a Muppet News Flash.

Dateline Egypt. Archaeologists today
discovered an ancient tomb

more than 5000 years old
in the Nile Valley.

An inscription over the tomb warned

that the crocodile god Rezal-Evad-Gib--

That's Rezal-Evad-Gib.

--would wreck a terrible vengeance
on anyone

who entered the tomb
or even pronounced his name aloud."

That's a ridiculous story. I don't know--

[ROARS]

[SCREAMING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Oh, Wonder Lynda,
I have to warn you about something.

Hi, there, Beau.

-How are you tonight?
-No, no time for the nicey niceys.

Something terrible just happened
to the Newsman downstairs.

You're kidding, what?

They sent me up here to tell you
not to say this very dangerous word.

Oh, okay. What's the word?

Well, it's, uh...

Oh, no, I forgot it.

But whatever you do, don't say it.

How can I not say a word
if you don't know what it is

and you can't remember it, huh?

I mean, it could be anything.
It could be "pencil."

Nope, I guess that wasn't it.

It could be, uh, "shoehorn," "hairbrush,"
"powder puff."

-Just about anything...
-Be careful, stop it.

You might say it by accident.

-Oh. Okay, now, listen, Beau.
-Yes?

Why don't you try to remember?
Try very, very, very hard, okay?

-You mean, think?
-Think. Right.

That's hard. Okay.

Okay. Come on.

[GRUNTING]

It's no use.
It's right on the tip of my tongue.

It is? Right on the tip of your tongue.

-It says-- Wait, hold still.
-Really?

It's "Rezal-Evad...

-Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
-Oh.

I bet you thought they were gonna say
"Rezal-Evad-Gib," didn't you?

-Oh, no!
-Well, after what I went through, I--

[SCREAMS]

Yuck. That could have been you.

[PLAYING "WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS"]

♪ I look at you all ♪

♪ See the love there that's sleeping ♪

♪ While my guitar gently weeps ♪

♪ I look at the floor ♪

♪ And I see it needs sweeping ♪

♪ While my guitar gently weeps ♪

♪ I look at the world ♪

♪ And I notice it's turning ♪

♪ While my guitar gently weeps ♪

♪ With every mistake ♪

♪ We must slowly be learning ♪

♪ While my guitar gently weeps ♪

Oh, there there, baby, now, don't cry.

Yeah. Floyd's gonna take care of you.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MEOWS]

Disgusting. Get away.

-Sam? Hey, Sam.
-Hmm? What?

-What are you doing?
-I am censoring this show.

Well, what are you writing down there?

Already, I have fourteen disgusting items
that have occurred on this show.

Well, like what?

Well, first of all, there's one here...

A possible romantic liaison
between a frog and a pig.

Well, I guess I'm not very happy
about that one myself.

But, but what do you do with this?

I send it to a very important person.

Who?

None of your business.

[BAWK]

That's what I mean. Look at that.
What is that?

-That was a chicken?
-That's a chicken.

And a penguin. And whoa, stop!
What is this, what-what-what is this?

Well, uh, that's a rat.

A rat. What is a rat doing
in the legitimate theatre?

Well, uh, I, I send him out to, uh,
buy me a chocolate milkshake, actually.

You let a rat touch your food?

Well, sure Sam.
That's the kind of place it is.

You know, the, uh, the chickens dance,
the, uh, pig sings,

and the, uh, rat goes out
and gets me some food.

Alright, alright, alright, alright! That's
it! I want this rat out of the theatre...

Wait, I'll do it. Rat! Rat!
I'm talking to you.

I'm making a citizen's rat arrest.

Out!

Yeah, but. Sam...

All it needed was a command decision.

But, but, Sam, you can't just
send those rats out.

I mean, they perform
a very useful function.

They gather all the trash
and garbage around the theatre

and take it out in the alley
and dump it.

-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
-Okay guys, do it!

What? Whoa! Wait, wait!
Wait, whoa! Put me down!

Listen, be gentle with him!
Hey, bring back the clipboard!

Uh, now, there's been a lot of talk
about superheroes on tonight's show.

So here is a story of sheer terror.

When civilization is threatened
by one of the most

frightening creatures
ever to roam the earth.

Who can save us?

Ladies and gentlemen, our own Miss Piggy,

starring as Wonder Pig.

Wonder Pig?

A word of caution.

There are scenes in this story
which may not be suitable for adults.

[WIND WHISTLING]

PIGGY:
Oh. Oh, oh, dear, dear.

Oh, oh, wake up, wake up,
it is I, your beautiful sister!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-Come in.
-Come in.

LINK:
Oh, doctor, at last you've come.

Yes, what seems to be the problem?

Oh, doctor, doctor, my husband and I--

Yes, dear?

We came home and found my sister
in trance-like state,

and all she does is make
strange sounds like, like...

[MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING]

It's almost as if she's
in a state of shock.

As if she'd been frightened by a chicken.

A chicken?

-But that's ridiculous.
-How can that be?

Well, I don't know.
Do you keep any chickens on the ranch?

No, I don't.

-My husband and I have no chickens.
-Has she had any cacciatore?

[MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING]

-He has it too.
-Oh, no. Husband.

I don't know if it's contagious,
or if it's something he saw.

-Oh, no. Oh, is it...? What...?
-Oh! Oh!

[MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Oh, no! What? Is it something you saw?

[RUMBLING]

Oh, no. An earthquake. Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, what is this dreaded, terrible thing?

[LINK & STRANGEPORK SCREAM]

[PIGGY SCREAMS]

Holy guacamole!

This is a job for Wonder Pig!

b*at it, you dumb cluck.

Eat your heart out, Lynda Carter.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Bravo.

How come chickens
are getting so big on this show?

Well, chickens thrive on corn.

[BOTH MIMICKING CHICKENS CLUCKING]

PIGGY:
Shoo. Shoo. Shoo.

Go on, go on. Shoo, shoo, shoo.

All right! Yes!

Yes, that's the way it's done, boys.

Ha, ha. Oh, Lynda.

Miss Piggy, I just want you to know
that you look

absolutely wonderful in that costume.

Ha. Merci.

Aren't you sorry
that, uh, you didn't bring your suit?

Well, uh, no.

Okay, next number.
The next number is next.

[PIGGY LAUGHING]

Okay, well, that last sketch must have
pleased you poultry lovers.

So here's something
for the sheep fanciers.

[BLEATING]

♪ We are poor little lambs ♪

♪ Who have lost our way ♪

♪ Baa, baa, baa ♪

♪ We're little lost sheep ♪

♪ Who have gone astray ♪

♪ Baa, baa, baa ♪

♪ Gentlemen songsters
Off on a spree ♪

[WOLF GROWLING]

♪ Doomed from here to eternity ♪

♪ Lord have mercy
On such as we ♪

♪ Baa, baa... ♪

[GROWLS]

This looks like a job for Super Sheep.

Wha...?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, here we go.

They're still at it.

-You superheroes ready up there?
FOZZIE: Yep. All set.

GONZO: You betcha.
LEW: Ready to go, boy.

LINK:
Stop pushing.

Okay. "Chapter 10: How to Fly."

Yeesh.

I can't watch this.

"Flying is a simple matter of belief.

Anyone can fly
as long as he believes that he can.

Stand at the very top of a tall ladder...

and say to yourself, 'I was born to fly.'"

ALL:
I was born to fly.

"The air is my home."

ALL:
The air is my home.

"Now that you believe that, step off
the ladder and float to the ceiling.

[ALL YELLING]

"Fortunately,
superheroes never feel pain."

[ALL GROANING]

Oh, Mommy!

Okay, here once again
is our special guest star,

who will be joined in song and silliness
by our own super goofs.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Lynda Carter!

[CHEERS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING "ORANGE COLORED SKY"]

♪ I was walking along
Minding my business ♪

♪ When out of an orange colored sky ♪

♪ Flash! Bam! ♪

♪ Alakazam ♪

[YELLS]

Scooter.

♪ Wonderful you came by ♪

♪ I was humming a tune ♪

♪ Drinkin' in sunshine ♪

♪ When out of that orange colored view ♪

♪ Flash! Bam! ♪

♪ Alakazam ♪

♪ I got a look at you ♪

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

♪ One look and I yelled "timber!" ♪

Timber! Aah!

♪ Watch out for flying glass ♪

[CRASHING]

♪ 'Cause the ceiling fell in
And the bottom fell out ♪

♪ And I went into spin
And I started to shout "this is it" ♪

♪ This is it, this is it ♪

[GROANING]

♪ We were walking along
Minding our business ♪

♪ When love came hit me in the eye ♪

♪ Don't you dare ♪

♪ Flash! Bam! ♪

♪ Alakazam ♪

♪ Flash! Bam! ♪

♪ Alakazam ♪

♪ Flash! Bam! Alakazam ♪

♪ Out of an orange colored
Purple striped ♪

♪ Pretty little polka dotted sky ♪

♪ Flash! Bam! Alakazam ♪

♪ And goodbye ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

That one almost got me.

Okay, well, we seem to have survived
another one.

Largely due to our
really terrific guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lynda Carter!

[CHEERS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You know, I just want to thank you
very much,

because, uh, this has definitely been
one of the worst experiences I have...

[KERMIT WHIMPERS]

No, I'm just kidding you.

I have had a fabulous time.

Great. As a matter of fact,
I think that we came through this

-with flying colors, don't you?
-Oh, more than that.

We got through it with flying Muppets.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Will you stop that dumb superhero
business?

Well, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

Aah! Piggy! Aah!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

-Piggy.
-Hey, Super Rat. How are you?

-Good grief, you've turned into...
-Money Man!